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Taskmaster - S18E01 - The Faceless Facilitators [Full Movie] [Long Version]Full EP - Full
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00:00.
00:16I mean, you're used to say this.
00:30APPLAUSE
00:33Hello!
00:34Hello!
00:35Thank you!
00:36I'm Greg Davies.
00:37Welcome to Taskmaster.
00:39Daddy's back, and he's got five naughty children
00:42who need to sit on the naughty step.
00:44Let's hope they behave themselves and do well in the task,
00:47because...
00:48Papa has big slippers and a hair-trigger spanking arm.
00:51LAUGHTER
00:58Here we go.
00:59Please welcome our five formidable fighters.
01:01They are...
01:02Andy Zantzman!
01:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:05Baba Tunde Alashe!
01:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:09Emma Sidney!
01:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:12Jack Dee!
01:13And Rosie Dole!
01:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:18And sitting next to me, a man who secretly confessed to me
01:22that he finds all women's sport slow, boring and undignified.
01:27LAUGHTER
01:28It's a lovely car!
01:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:33Hi, Greg.
01:34Hi.
01:34Well, look, I thought we should go mad at the beginning
01:37and have a game of charades.
01:38Yeah?
01:39Yeah.
01:39You up for that?
01:40Yep.
01:40OK, here we go. This is the only one.
01:42Ooh, look.
01:43Hmm.
01:44OK.
01:45Can of beans, yeah.
01:46Ooh, look, there's Jack Dee.
01:48Ooh.
01:49But also, watch this, huh?
01:51Hello, Greggy!
01:51Ooh!
01:53What is it?
01:55LAUGHTER
01:57They can say anything at all.
01:58We can say anything!
02:00Anything.
02:01LAUGHTER
02:01Do you know what it is?
02:02What?
02:03Jack and the Beans talk.
02:04Jack and the Beans talk.
02:06LAUGHTER
02:08APPLAUSE
02:09Good one.
02:11Right, first price task of a series.
02:13What's the category, Alex?
02:14I was shocked when you told me it, Greg, because it's
02:17the best thing that has been inside you.
02:20LAUGHTER
02:21I know.
02:22Unbelievable.
02:23My mum's watching this and I've been inside her.
02:26Greg will give five points for the thing he thinks is best
02:29and at the end of the episode, the overall winner
02:31will take home something that has been inside each
02:33of the four people they've been sitting next to
02:35and themselves.
02:36Yummy in my tummy.
02:37Your turn.
02:38Andy Saltzman.
02:39Yes, yes, Greg.
02:40What have you brought that's been inside you?
02:43Well, the best thing that's been inside me, Greg,
02:45is my lung.
02:46It is Andy's lung.
02:49Oh!
02:50Mmm.
02:51Ah, God.
02:52The winner's going to take home.
02:53But that's not Andy's lung, is it?
02:55Because otherwise Andy would be dead.
02:57LAUGHTER
02:57Well, it just gives me a great incentive to win this show
03:00so I get them back at the end.
03:02LAUGHTER
03:03Have you had those lungs inside you?
03:05Yes, I have.
03:06You have not?
03:07I have.
03:08LAUGHTER
03:09You don't like it?
03:10I don't like them, no.
03:11They don't work within the limit of the task.
03:14Right.
03:14And they make me feel sick.
03:16LAUGHTER
03:16What thing have you brought in that I might like
03:20that you've had inside you?
03:21I brought something that you will definitely like.
03:24It is Jamaican oxtail.
03:26It's beautiful.
03:27I'm Nigerian, but I love Jamaican food,
03:29so that's what I brought.
03:30And this is some oxtail stew here.
03:33I'm not going to lie.
03:34That looks disgusting.
03:36LAUGHTER
03:38But I'm telling you, it tastes delicious.
03:40You know what I'm saying?
03:40Has that been inside you?
03:42Yes.
03:42Same batch?
03:43Same batch.
03:44I mean, the idea of this,
03:45that you bring slightly surprising things in, Baba,
03:47you've just brought in the thing that you like to eat.
03:49Yes!
03:50Yes!
03:52Baba, it looks delicious.
03:53Apart from the sticks that have been thrown on top of it.
03:58Ever.
03:58What have you brought in that you might have had inside yourself,
04:01or you have had inside?
04:02So, because it's the best thing that's been inside you, right?
04:06Yes.
04:07I have brought in my ex,
04:09as represented by a USB stick.
04:13LAUGHTER
04:15LAUGHTER
04:17I've uploaded a huge amount of material about his life.
04:22It's a bloke.
04:23And, er, he is just a legend.
04:27Is he an actual legend?
04:28Yeah.
04:28No, he's not an actual...
04:30Well, he's just...
04:30He's not King Arthur.
04:31Excuse me!
04:33LAUGHTER
04:35Well, the winner gets to plug it in and have a good look.
04:37And, as a boyfriend, what was his best quality?
04:40Just, like, nice to be around.
04:42He dumped me.
04:45LAUGHTER
04:45Do he eject you safely?
04:47LAUGHTER
04:54Hello, Jack.
04:55Hello.
04:55You all right?
04:56Yes, very well, thank you, Greg.
04:57OK.
04:59LAUGHTER
05:00What have you had inside you?
05:01I've brought in, er, my...
05:03Well, one of my favourite toothbrushes.
05:06Erm...
05:06Which I had, er...
05:08I used...
05:08I liked it so much, I used it for several years.
05:11And, erm...
05:12Thank you, yeah.
05:13LAUGHTER
05:13So I bought this one in 2012.
05:15And, er...
05:17I used it until 2022 or something.
05:19LAUGHTER
05:20Here it is!
05:21LAUGHTER
05:23Yeah, there it is.
05:24Jesus Christ, Jack!
05:26LAUGHTER
05:27It did discolour in the end.
05:29When we told Jack about the competition,
05:31you told him it was to bring in a good prize, right?
05:34Not...
05:34Not to just clear out the shit from his garage.
05:37LAUGHTER
05:37Well, Sir Jones, what have you had inside you
05:40that you deemed appropriate to bring on the show?
05:42It is a letter opener.
05:46LAUGHTER
05:46So I have recently started living on my own.
05:54And I love it.
05:56I am naked the whole time.
06:01LAUGHTER
06:02That means I get a lot of food on my body.
06:09LAUGHTER
06:10And I have recently found out that there's been a smell
06:22coming from my belly bucket.
06:27LAUGHTER
06:29So the finger won't get it.
06:35LAUGHTER
06:36That does!
06:37LAUGHTER
06:40I can't get in really deep.
06:45And I swear to God, last week,
06:51I got a little bit of umbilical...
06:56LAUGHTER
06:59LAUGHTER
07:00How deep's your belly bucket?
07:02That's my favourite Bee Gees song, that's...
07:10Who has brought in the worst thing?
07:11Well, it's Baba or Andy, isn't it?
07:13Let's face it.
07:14OK.
07:14So we're going to give Zaltzman and his horrible lungs one point.
07:17Baba, two.
07:18Two to Baba, well done.
07:20Incredibly, getting three points is a man who lazily
07:23grabbed an old toothbrush on his way to the show.
07:26LAUGHTER
07:26Three to Jack.
07:27You know, it's such an appalling image.
07:29We'll give Rosie Jones five points on this occasion.
07:31There we go.
07:32Four to Emma, five to Rosie!
07:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
07:35It's a very strong start.
07:37Right, task one.
07:38Let's get going.
07:38OK, here we go, bro.
07:39And hush your sweet, sweet mouth.
07:56LAUGHTER
07:59Andy.
08:05I'll sit here, shall I?
08:06Yeah, just in front of Greg.
08:09Look at the state of it.
08:14Am I lying, Greg?
08:15You're very serious for me.
08:17Just smile more.
08:18I'm not going to lie to you, bro.
08:25Do not say any of this outside.
08:28LAUGHTER
08:47LAUGHTER
08:53LAUGHTER
08:56LAUGHTER
08:58LAUGHTER
08:58LAUGHTER
09:01LAUGHTER
09:03LAUGHTER
09:04Oh!
09:06LAUGHTER
09:08Oh, my...
09:09APPLAUSE
09:14Do you want to explain this task a little bit?
09:16Not yet.
09:17Ooh!
09:19All right, who are we going to see first?
09:20We're going to start with the guy people are already calling Andy Zaltzman.
09:24LAUGHTER
09:26Are you all right, Andy?
09:29Andy?
09:45LAUGHTER
09:47LAUGHTER
09:48LAUGHTER
09:48LAUGHTER
09:50BUZZ
09:55Oh...
10:00BUZZ
10:02BUZZ
10:06BUZZER
10:07Query?
10:09I've stopped the clock.
10:10I could have gone with quesadilla.
10:12I thought it was an opportunity missed.
10:20At what point during the filming process for this show, Andy,
10:23did you regret wearing full cricket whites?
10:27I've never been in a situation in life where I haven't thought
10:29this would be better if I was in cricket whites.
10:33So, no regrets, no regrets.
10:35Oh, all right, good. That's encouraging.
10:37Do you have a regret sitting in a big throne like that?
10:40No.
10:40Does it not make the rest of your life seem mundane?
10:46I mean, I suppose now you've said it, yeah.
10:49Andy did very well. He managed to succeed in 7 minutes 54.
10:54Not bad, is it?
10:56Two more attempts now and a little bit more explanation
10:58from Bubba and Rosie.
11:00Let's see.
11:02Stare at camera number one
11:03for at least 30 seconds without smiling.
11:07BUZZER
11:08BUZZER
11:09BUZZER
11:11BUZZER
11:12BUZZER
11:13BUZZER
11:17BUZZER
11:20BUZZER
11:21BUZZER
11:22BUZZER
11:23BUZZER
11:23BUZZER
11:24BUZZER
11:24BUZZER
11:25BUZZER
11:26BUZZER
11:26BUZZER
11:32BUZZER
11:37BUZZER
11:38BUZZER
11:39BUZZER
11:40BUZZER
11:40BUZZER
11:41BUZZER
11:42BUZZER
11:42BUZZER
11:43BUZZER
11:43BUZZER
11:44BUZZER
11:44BUZZER
11:45BUZZER
11:45BUZZER
11:46LAUGHTER
11:52Look under the sixth...
11:54..fifty-sixth...
11:57..and ninety-first...
11:59..letters of this task.
12:05What letters have we got so far, Rosie?
12:07X-T-I
12:09The first one's right.
12:11What's the second one?
12:13E.
12:14A.
12:15Is it an N?
12:17Wait, OK.
12:20Seal.
12:21You haven't quite finished the task.
12:31Oh, not that seal.
12:35No, not that seal.
12:37Not that seal.
12:38Not that seal.
12:39You're a sneaky little bastard!
12:45Yeah!
12:51Say a word beginning with Q.
12:53Backstitch words.
12:55The time started when you stared at the camera.
12:59Quiet!
13:00Quiet.
13:00I've stopped the clock.
13:02That's it.
13:02That's it.
13:04The smiling one.
13:07Yeah.
13:07That's my Achilles heel.
13:11I'm so happy!
13:34I'm so happy!
13:41APPLAUSE
13:42Basically, I've always got to smile, cos when I don't smile, people think I'm dead.
13:54LAUGHTER
13:59Right, that's the end of part one.
14:01See you soon.
14:04APPLAUSE
14:13Welcome back to the first episode of this new series where we've begun with a silent task.
14:19Shh!
14:19Keep it down, big mouth!
14:21Yes.
14:22Some have been more silent than others, but there's two people left to see.
14:25Emma Ciddy and Jack Dee.
14:31Not tempted to smile at all, Jack.
14:55You're getting the fourth letter.
15:05I've lost my count now.
15:07Oh.
15:07And I think it's going to matter.
15:09It's going to matter.
15:10Yeah.
15:11Quick!
15:12I've stopped the clock.
15:14What have you come up with?
15:15I mean, the first one I thought, I came up with seal.
15:18Did you?
15:18And I thought, that's got a nautical feel to it.
15:21That does sound relevant.
15:22Yeah.
15:24Look under the letters.
15:25Well, yeah, or whatever they call it.
15:28It's not seal.
15:29Well, I think it might be seal.
15:30You think it might be seal?
15:31Yeah.
15:32So I look, ah, okay.
15:33So then I find a seal and look underneath it.
15:35Well, maybe.
15:36That's a walrus.
15:37It's a shark.
15:39There's a seal.
15:40Sea lion, really.
15:41Spitting hairs.
15:41Ah, okay.
15:43What about this seal?
15:46Okay.
15:47There was something written there.
15:49Did it still come off?
15:50Yeah, you ripped it quite hard there.
15:52I didn't rip it quite hard.
15:53What are you talking about?
15:54You were very rough with it.
15:56Don't blame me for shoddy props.
15:58I'll just go and see if we've got another one.
16:00Thanks.
16:06Ah, I'll set it on fire.
16:09I mean, that's pretty good.
16:11Faster.
16:13Fastest.
16:14Good as new.
16:15Is there another one coming this year?
16:17Yes.
16:17We're just really sticking it down so it doesn't slip.
16:21Well, what's the point of that?
16:22That's what's caused all this.
16:27I've got a task for you.
16:28Ah.
16:28Best of luck.
16:32This is me being patient?
16:33Yeah.
16:34Maybe this is how you should have done the first one, then.
16:36Oh.
16:37Quick.
16:44Well.
16:46I mean, first things first.
16:48Let's start with the positives.
16:49Emma.
16:50Sure.
16:50Pretty efficient.
16:51Well, yeah, I would argue boringly efficient.
16:54You looked under a seat.
16:55There was a bit of fun there.
16:57I really appreciate that.
16:57And I'll tell you something else.
16:58Yeah.
16:59No one winks anymore.
17:01Right.
17:01And you did a lovely bawdy wink after it.
17:03I didn't mean it to be bawdy.
17:05I more meant like, you know, we're all in this together.
17:07I didn't mean sexually bawdy.
17:10Fine.
17:10Sorry, yeah, yeah.
17:11I mean fun bawdy.
17:12Fine.
17:13What went wrong, Jack?
17:15Well, OK, full disclosure, within a couple of minutes,
17:19I could see what was going on here.
17:21I thought, oh, dear, they've come up with a tough task.
17:24Oh, yeah?
17:25And to get some mileage out of it, I'm going to have to find some stuff here.
17:31I should probably cross out what I wrote, then.
17:33What did you write?
17:34Well, I say this as a man of a similar vintage, but I wrote,
17:37this all feels a bit grandad's not settled into his home yet.
17:42LAUGHTER
17:45Emma said the word quick after 3 minutes 58.
17:47Jack said the word quick after 41 seconds and 30 minutes.
17:51Just over half an hour.
17:57Actually, I want to show you one more little extra bit of Jack.
17:59Would you mind?
18:00Yes, do, yeah.
18:01This tickled me.
18:01This is Jack earlier on in the task.
18:05I mean, it's not my fault.
18:06This is probably quite boring to watch.
18:09Oh, it's not boring.
18:10OK.
18:12APPLAUSE
18:12Here's the first word, beginning with cue, that anyone said.
18:15You said it after 3 minutes 32 seconds.
18:17So a bit quicker than Emma in the end.
18:19Oh!
18:20It's cruel.
18:21It's cruel.
18:22Even I say that's unfair, but I'll take it.
18:25LAUGHTER
18:27APPLAUSE
18:29Sometimes the game can be cruel, Emma.
18:31Yeah.
18:32Oh!
18:34LAUGHTER
18:35So, Baba was the slowest in the end, 17 minutes 59, one point.
18:39Aw, Baba.
18:39Then Rosie gets two points, and he was the third slowest, three points.
18:43Emma gets four points, but Jack D wins the task and five points!
18:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
18:48Wow.
18:50I'd love to see a scoreboard, please.
18:52All right, well, there are joint leaders at this stage.
18:55It is Jack and Emma on eight points.
18:57Here they are.
18:59APPLAUSE
19:01Another one, please.
19:03Yes, and we're off to a theme park.
19:05Oh, my God.
19:23Why are you standing like that, bro?
19:25It's quite windy.
19:26I've got a really bad feeling about this.
19:29Have you been on any of the rides?
19:31No, I haven't, because, er, it's closed.
19:34Yes.
19:36Yeah.
19:37Knock over exactly 100 cans.
19:43You must throw all five balls.
19:48And pull one rope nice and hard.
19:52You must stay on the spot at all times, and you may not move the spot.
19:58Closest to 100 cans wins.
20:02Your time starts now.
20:05APPLAUSE
20:09Let's have a look, then.
20:10All right, we're going to begin with one man.
20:12He's dressed as a sportsman.
20:13But can he, sportsman?
20:15It's Andy Zoltzman.
20:18Exactly 100 cans.
20:19How many cans are there?
20:20I reckon there's 200 cans.
20:21200 cans, right.
20:22I'll do that.
20:24I'll do that.
20:24OK.
20:32I think that's 70 cans down.
20:36So this is your sport?
20:38Pressure is on here.
20:40OK.
20:45Right, I was hoping to get all of them down in one go.
20:52I'd say that was unlucky.
21:00Oh, damn!
21:02What if I throw a tin?
21:10You've opened it.
21:12Right, I'm running out of balls.
21:14I'm running out of tins.
21:21Oh!
21:21Oh, God!
21:29I was doing very well there.
21:31I very nearly stopped.
21:33That's the most disappointed I've been in a long time.
21:36LAUGHTER
21:42APPLAUSE
21:45It was all very impressive initially.
21:47And then, well, what I think is the Zoltzman equivalent of anarchy happened.
21:51Yeah.
21:52That being, you angrily throwing a yoga ball to the left.
21:57You know, what else do you do with yoga balls?
21:58I've never really seen what they're for,
22:00apart from hurling in a fit of rage.
22:03So how many cancer have been knocked down?
22:05Yeah.
22:05There's some good news.
22:06You miscounted at the beginning.
22:07You thought there were 200 cans there.
22:09OK.
22:09There were actually 160 cans there.
22:11Oh, right.
22:12You knocked over 104 cans.
22:14Oh!
22:15In school, bro, man's a comedian, bro.
22:17Like, what do you think?
22:19LAUGHTER
22:24Oh, fuck!
22:28LAUGHTER
22:37Keep falling, just keep falling.
22:41Wait!
22:42I'm not done yet.
22:43I got this, innit?
22:49Yes, baby!
22:52Ah!
22:53If I keep going higher, let's go long.
22:56Oh, for goodness sake, man.
22:59All right, big up.
23:00Big up.
23:01Later.
23:03LAUGHTER
23:06What the hell?
23:13Neither of you thought to count the cans
23:16before you started throwing.
23:17Yeah, I'm just going to go for it.
23:19You want me to stand there and be like, one, two, three...
23:21I ain't doing all of that.
23:22LAUGHTER
23:23No.
23:23No, I understand that at school,
23:25you got out of most subjects
23:26by telling them you were a comedian, it seems.
23:28LAUGHTER
23:30I'm not doing maths.
23:31I'm a comedian.
23:32That's it.
23:33Right.
23:33He didn't learn throwing at school.
23:34He's a comedian.
23:36LAUGHTER
23:36Rosie, there's some awful heartbreaking moments for you.
23:39I've never seen the phrase,
23:40yeah, baby, so close to the phrase, oh, no.
23:44LAUGHTER
23:45I don't want to say that they were Leon in the series,
23:53but I've got cerebral palsy.
23:56Oh, come on.
23:59LAUGHTER
24:00Oh, Winky's not having that.
24:03LAUGHTER
24:04So, you knocked over 47 cans, Rosie.
24:07Oh.
24:07Compared to Bubba's, 32.
24:09APPLAUSE
24:12Right, we need to have another break.
24:13It's a chance for Alex to count all of his friends.
24:17Welcome back to Taskmaster.
24:30Oh, hello!
24:32You've joined us for the third part of the show
24:35and some more throwing at the theme park.
24:37Yes, these adults are trying to knock some cans over with some balls.
24:40And finally, uh-oh, it's Jack and Emma grouped together again.
24:45LAUGHTER
24:46OK, so, how many cans are there?
24:48Seventeen.
24:49Twenty-one.
24:51So, that's going to be...
24:53Yeah.
24:54LAUGHTER
24:55I can't be bothered.
24:58LAUGHTER
24:5840.
25:0040.
25:0240 times four...
25:04..is 160 cans.
25:06There's, er...
25:07160 there.
25:12Are you just getting rid of the balls?
25:15So, I'm going to try and just get...
25:17Ah!
25:18OK, I don't...
25:19OK.
25:26My dad played rugby for England.
25:29LAUGHTER
25:34Might actually just...
25:37Come to Daddy.
25:39LAUGHTER
25:43Oh, God!
25:45What a shame!
25:46What a shame!
25:47This one's pointless, but we'll try anyway.
25:50LAUGHTER
25:51LAUGHTER
25:52LAUGHTER
25:54LAUGHTER
25:55LAUGHTER
25:55LAUGHTER
25:56LAUGHTER
25:58How do you summon skills that you don't have?
26:01It's actually so difficult.
26:07LAUGHTER
26:10LAUGHTER
26:15So...
26:15LAUGHTER
26:17That's a disappointment.
26:19Yeah.
26:20I might be able to use this.
26:21If I can hook them over,
26:24and then...
26:26All right.
26:28Oh, no!
26:30I knew it!
26:31I knew it!
26:34OK.
26:39I know it's gone...
26:41I know this is going to miss!
26:44LAUGHTER
26:48LAUGHTER
26:48LAUGHTER
26:53What I've written down is, the juxtaposition of the sentence,
26:57my dad played rugby for England, and the throws that we witnessed...
27:03..following that sentence.
27:04Yeah.
27:04Sounds melodramatic.
27:05I think it might destroy your family.
27:08Is it too early in the series to say,
27:10I don't have cerebral palsy?
27:13LAUGHTER
27:15LAUGHTER
27:16LAUGHTER
27:18APPLAUSE
27:18Fuck me.
27:19She did knock over more than Baba, she knocked over 36.
27:22Which is good.
27:23Jack, you've made a career out of not looking very happy.
27:27I've got a theory, secretly, you were loving that.
27:30I found it cathartic, I suppose.
27:31LAUGHTER
27:32I would do that again, actually.
27:34I wouldn't mind.
27:35Yeah.
27:35How many counts got knocked out?
27:36At least they bothered to count.
27:38Yes.
27:38Well, I can tell you, we know Baba was 32.
27:40Emma, 36.
27:41Rosie, 47.
27:43Jack, 68.
27:44So, approaching 100.
27:46APPLAUSE
27:46Yeah.
27:47Obviously, only 104, so...
27:50APPLAUSE
27:52I do want to show you one extra replay, though.
27:54Do you mind?
27:54Yeah.
27:54OK, here we go.
27:58BUZZER
27:59BUZZER
27:59BUZZER
28:00BUZZER
28:02BUZZER
28:02BUZZER
28:02BUZZER
28:03BUZZER
28:04BUZZER
28:05Oh...
28:06Nice pop of the leg, though.
28:08LAUGHTER
28:10That means that Andy doesn't get any points.
28:13Oh...
28:13Baba goes up to two points, three to Emma, four to Rosie,
28:16and Jack wins the task and five points.
28:17Oh, no.
28:18APPLAUSE
28:21At least they bother to count.
28:23Yes.
28:23Well, I can tell you, we know Baba was 32.
28:25Emma, 36.
28:26Rosie, 47.
28:28Jack, 68.
28:29So, approaching 100.
28:31APPLAUSE
28:31Yeah.
28:32Obviously, Andy, 104, so...
28:35APPLAUSE
28:37I do want to show you one extra replay, though.
28:39Do you mind?
28:39Yeah.
28:39OK, here we go.
28:43BUZZER
28:44BUZZER
28:44BUZZER
28:45BUZZER
28:47BUZZER
28:50Oh...
28:51Nice pop of the leg, though.
28:54BUZZER
28:55BUZZER
28:55BUZZER
28:55BUZZER
28:55BUZZER
28:58BUZZER
28:58BUZZER
28:59BUZZER
28:59BUZZER
28:59BUZZER
29:01BUZZER
29:04BUZZER
29:09Babbling on, babblously.
29:12All right.
29:12Your time's started now, Jack.
29:14Your time has now started.
29:16Your time has started.
29:17BUZZER
29:17I've had to say a word like that in the task.
29:19Emma, your time has started.
29:20It starts to now? Yes, because you didn't say a word beginning with B for five seconds.
29:27Not into that.
29:29Man has to get some soap and make some bubbles. Come on.
29:34Can I get naked?
29:37Cos that is beautiful.
29:45You announced that you were going to make bubbles in this, the bubble task, as if you'd had a great
29:50idea.
29:52You even said, come on, afterwards.
29:54Yeah, man, obviously, you've got to get some soap and I'll do it for the children.
29:59Like, if I don't buy, like, bubble solution water, like, you know, the one that you can just buy, if
30:03I'll do it by myself.
30:04And you'll play on your own with bubbles? No, for my children.
30:07Oh, you said you do it on your own sometimes.
30:09Don't make the bubbles.
30:12You've got to make the bubble solution and I'll put it in the machine.
30:14I know how to make bubbles, Baba.
30:16Then listen to what I'm saying! I'm listening to you!
30:19You clearly ain't.
30:19I just want to establish whether you play with bubbles on your own.
30:22No, don't play with bubbles on my own, bro.
30:24I'm a comedian.
30:25OK.
30:31OK, the first two we're going to see are Jack Dee and Bubble Tunday.
30:35Here we go.
30:37Are you into any particular types of bubbles, Jack?
30:40Well, champagne I like. I like a bit of champagne.
30:43We've got champagne.
30:44Where?
30:45Where's the champagne?
30:48Right, I'm going to draw my daughter.
30:50She's two months and she's so beautiful.
30:53Bring it to me.
30:54Do you want me to bring you champagne?
30:55Yeah, and some glasses.
30:56This is her arms.
30:58We'll do, like, legs.
31:01Oh, she is beautiful.
31:03This is, uh, vegan, non-alcoholic.
31:06Yeah.
31:07Is there any other way you can take fun out of champagne?
31:12You've got real chocolate.
31:14Get yourself some penguin.
31:16Who wants dark chocolate?
31:17Like, come on, man, I'm not a psychopath.
31:19You know what I'm saying?
31:19I'd like you, Alex, to pass this round to the crew so that they all have some.
31:24What a beautiful thing, Jack.
31:25Yeah, I think, thank you, you've said it.
31:27Let's get some flowers.
31:29You know what I mean?
31:32Should we keep one for Greg?
31:34That's a good idea.
31:34Which one do you think you'd want?
31:35Probably have a pint with me.
31:38Ready for this, my guy?
31:38I'm ready.
31:42Is man mad?
31:43Is man mad?
31:47To everyone, thank you for having me here and looking after me so nicely.
31:54Thank you for, yeah, I hope you enjoy this drink with me and I wish you peace and happiness and...
32:03What's wrong with him?
32:13Peace and happiness and I hope all your dreams come true.
32:17I want a beautiful toast.
32:23You like that, bro?
32:24Yeah.
32:26Bringing joy to your heart.
32:34APPLAUSE
32:36Jack, how lovely that you involved the crew.
32:39I mean that.
32:41Yeah.
32:41We don't...
32:41You know, they work very hard on the show.
32:43I know.
32:43And they never get anything, as they were saying to me earlier.
32:47They don't.
32:48You know why?
32:48Why?
32:49Because Alex...
32:50Do you know what he calls them behind their back?
32:51Oh...
32:52He calls them the faceless facilitators of his junior.
32:55LAUGHTER
32:58It was nice to see them briefly happy and when I left they just said,
33:02Jack, thank you.
33:05LAUGHTER
33:08APPLAUSE
33:10That man?
33:11Pleased with your attempt?
33:12I'm going to own it.
33:13Yes, I was.
33:13I was pleased with it because, you know, honouring my new baby girl.
33:18And...
33:18That was genuinely sweet, I thought.
33:21Can we have a look at the painting of his daughter?
33:23His beautiful 11-week-old daughter?
33:25Here she is.
33:26LAUGHTER
33:28I think I ripped this up afterwards because I'm ashamed.
33:32I can actually draw.
33:33You can actually draw?
33:34I can actually draw.
33:34I'm a good drawer.
33:35Well, you didn't.
33:36You didn't do art of school.
33:37All right, pause.
33:38LAUGHTER
33:42Just so you know, he said the word bang every time he drew a thing.
33:45He also said that his sperm and genes and DNA were elite.
33:49LAUGHTER
33:50You should see my son and daughter.
33:52I'm telling you, man, they're gorgeous.
33:53When my daughter was born, the whole hospital, they were like,
33:55Oh, my days.
33:57She's so gorgeous.
33:58Even the really ill people.
33:59LAUGHTER
34:01Well, it's time for Mr Steps Off The Spot himself.
34:04It's Andy's office.
34:06And...
34:07Action!
34:11Beauty and the bubble.
34:14I am bubble.
34:17Am I beautiful?
34:19Tell me, what is beauty?
34:22I have dreams of what a sphere can become.
34:27But I know change changes change.
34:30And the world becomes new again.
34:33We create.
34:35We destroy.
34:36We are destroyed.
34:38We were created.
34:40Life isn't the unexpected.
34:43Try the orange.
34:45For I know, as a bubble, things never stay the same.
34:50Things never change.
34:52We are all bubbles.
34:54Bubbles doomed to die.
34:57But our beauty lives forever.
35:01Work the camera for fuck's sake.
35:04For homme.
35:05For femme.
35:06For le taskmaster.
35:08Et son petit ami.
35:09Alex Oehne.
35:16APPLAUSE
35:20I mean, it's pretty incredible, actually.
35:22I don't actually have anything negative to say about it.
35:25We are all bubbles waiting to burst.
35:27Exactly.
35:27Well, it's an exploration of the sort of fragility that this show too often shies away from.
35:33Andy, I thought it was excellent.
35:35Time for the final break of the night.
35:37Who will not only win the episode, but also take home a lung and Jack D's rancid old toothbrush?
35:43What an adrenaline rush!
35:44I feel like I'm tripping in Woodstock, man!
35:47See you soon.
35:54APPLAUSE
35:58Welcome back!
35:59Welcome back to the final part of this new series.
36:02Who's next in line to do something beautiful with bubbles, Alex?
36:06Ooh, a top-notch question, Greg, and a lovely voice.
36:09It's Rosie and Siddy.
36:11Jones and Emma.
36:18LAUGHTER
36:21Rosie.
36:23I'm not Rosie.
36:25I am a bubblegum fairy!
36:33Oh, like...
36:35Oh, Greg.
36:37Oh, Greg.
36:39I am doing the most beautiful thing with bubbles.
36:42A beautiful babe having a bubble bath.
36:45LAUGHTER
36:49I am here to grant your three wishes, but don't tell me them, cos I know them already!
37:13What are you doing tonight?
37:16What are you doing tonight?
37:17Bubble bath, maybe?
37:19LAUGHTER
37:21I know that you want more bubbles!
37:30You like bubblegum!
37:32You like bubblegum!
37:34You like bubblegum!
37:37Eat a bubblegum!
37:39Eat it!
37:41I can't really do bubblegum.
37:42Eat it!
37:43How much?
37:43More!
37:45More!
37:47More!
37:51LAUGHTER
37:54And I know you want the bubblegum dance!
38:03Bubblegum fairy!
38:08Bubblegum!
38:10Bubblegum fairy!
38:16I can't... I can't... I can't... I'm not so much.
38:18Grow!
38:20Grow!
38:22Grow!
38:25Oh!
38:27And now...
38:29I leave...
38:31one...
38:33job.
38:35APPLAUSE
38:39OK.
38:40I think what we have to...
38:43the three of us have to talk about is your understanding of the word beautiful probably.
38:48No, I think I nailed it!
38:53Do you?
38:55LAUGHTER
38:56Honestly, there is nothing more beautiful in life than...
39:03Than the bubblegum fairy?
39:05Yeah!
39:06Played by the most beautiful woman in life!
39:11Right.
39:12Well, I'm not going to comment on your personal beauty because I'm looking only at the character.
39:17And...
39:19Personally...
39:21I found the bubblegum fairy to be quite irritating.
39:26LAUGHTER
39:27Emma, let's talk about your beauty.
39:30Yes.
39:31When you started erotically eating the chocolate...
39:34Yeah.
39:34..I think you just looked hammered.
39:38LAUGHTER
39:40And I...
39:41I'm very flattered to be offered a bath with a lady,
39:44but I would prefer it if she hadn't been out for 12 pints before.
39:48I think beauty's in the eye of the beholder.
39:51Yes, and I'm the beholder.
39:52Totally fucked.
39:53That...that I do expect.
39:55Yeah.
39:55But who would you rather share my bath with?
40:01What, Emma or the bubblegum fairy?
40:04Well, Emma.
40:05LAUGHTER
40:05A hundred times over.
40:09Sorry, bitch.
40:11LAUGHTER
40:14APPLAUSE
40:17Go on, Greg.
40:18Who do you think's going to get one point?
40:20Right.
40:21I'll give you a clue!
40:25Yeah, good.
40:26I mean, if the chocolate gobbling woman of nondescript nationality
40:30hadn't been so drunk, she might have got more than two points.
40:34Two to Emma. Got it.
40:35I think the sentiment of sharing bubbles with a largely ignored...
40:41Yes.
40:41..and often much derided crew of fun with him,
40:44it is quite beautiful and deserves three points.
40:47Three points for Jack. Got it.
40:48I'm going to give Baba's beautiful daughter four points.
40:50Four. Got it.
40:51We must recognise artistic genius when we see it,
40:53and Andy gets five points.
40:54OK, well done.
40:55OK, then, everyone, please make your way to the stage
40:59for your first, final task of the show!
41:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:10Who's reading the task?
41:12Emma is going to read the task.
41:13Is she?
41:14I hope you'll include a wink in this read.
41:18Excuse me?
41:20LAUGHTER
41:21LAUGHTER
41:23Drink the vinegar.
41:26On your turn, you can either drink from one straw
41:30or not drink at all, and get a clue from Alex instead.
41:33You must stand on the spot when choosing your straw
41:36and you must never stray from the spot.
41:38OK.
41:40Only the vinegar drinker wins.
41:42There's five points at stake here.
41:44No-one else will get any points at all, Greg.
41:46Wow!
41:47They can choose to either tell me which number
41:49they're going to drink from and then drink from it.
41:51Yep.
41:51Or they can get a clue from me.
41:53The clue refers to the numbers in front of the straws.
41:56Up you come, Rosie.
42:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:01So, Rosie, would you like to drink or get a clue?
42:04So, I'm going to go for it.
42:08OK, which number are you going to drink from?
42:10Off you go.
42:11Down and...
42:11Whoa!
42:14This is a gift waiting to happen.
42:21Whoa!
42:27Have you drunk vinegar?
42:30No.
42:31I like it.
42:33OK.
42:35Bit fishy.
42:36Yes, it is a bit fishy.
42:38It's tomato juice.
42:40OK, John, would you like a clue or a drink?
42:43Let's try a clue.
42:44OK.
42:51You're such a weird man.
42:54You must now return to your spot.
42:56Oh, I see.
42:57Oh, a clue from the sun.
42:58I get it.
43:00Clue, clue.
43:01Clue as well?
43:01Yeah, yeah, yeah.
43:03Yeah, yeah.
43:09Clue all the drink, brother.
43:10I'm going for a drink.
43:12Here we go.
43:12What number are you going to choose?
43:1316.
43:1416?
43:14Wow, confident.
43:16Do it.
43:16I'm not...
43:17Do it.
43:17I don't like this, man.
43:20Do you not like a lovely vinegar drink?
43:25Is it vinegar?
43:26No, that ain't vinegar, but...
43:28I don't know.
43:29That's all right.
43:30It's ice tea.
43:30It's ice tea.
43:31OK.
43:32It's ice tea.
43:33It's ice tea.
43:33It's ice tea.
43:35It's ice tea.
43:47It's ice tea.
43:47Blue, please, Alex.
43:48Blue, here it comes.
43:49I'm nearly there.
43:49Here I am.
43:52It's a lot of this, isn't it?
43:55Let me seductively get it out of the way for you.
44:04OK.
44:06I'm going to suck, but I'm also going to try and get your clue.
44:16Cool.
44:16I think it's a prime number.
44:21I do like them.
44:24So I'm going to go for 17.
44:29OK.
44:30OK.
44:31Right.
44:32Tom.
44:38She drank the vinegar!
44:46OK.
44:48We'll have those five points.
44:49Come down here.
44:50We'll see how that affects the final score!
44:52APPLAUSE
44:58Very good.
45:00So you getting it, you just guessed it, did you?
45:02I thought the clue was a prime number.
45:06Why?
45:07Cos Alex is so boring.
45:10Yeah.
45:12Do you see the scoreboard?
45:13Yeah.
45:14It's unbelievable.
45:14She was in third place before, but now she's in first place.
45:16Rosie Jones has 17 points!
45:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:23Rosie Jones wins episode one.
45:26Please go and collect the things that have been inside your rival!
45:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:52APPLAUSE
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