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Taskmaster - S19E01 - Sometimes Spit [Full Movie] [Long Version]Full EP - Full
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00:02This was a mistake!
00:04Shut up!
00:05Button?
00:14You're mad.
00:16Wow.
00:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:35Hello! Thank you, I'm Greg Davies.
00:37Welcome to this brand new series of Taskmaster!
00:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:44I have never felt so full of hope.
00:48The tasks are new, the contestants are new,
00:50and whilst I was enjoying my single-origin espresso this morning,
00:54they were being shaved down and put through our 12-point hygiene programme,
00:58ready for battle, so they all smell just great...
01:01for now.
01:02So let's meet the new recruits,
01:04ready to risk it all to take home Daddy's golden head.
01:10Daddy's golden head of destiny,
01:13is a sentence I forgot I wrote.
01:17Please welcome...
01:18Fatia Al Gorey!
01:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:21Jason Mandzuka!
01:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:24Matthew Baker!
01:27Rosie Ramsey!
01:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:30And Stevie Martin!
01:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:33And next to me, a man who is a life-long supporter
01:36of Liverpool Football Club
01:38and tells me that the only downside to that
01:40is meeting the other fans,
01:42who he finds to be universally stupid
01:45and physically disgusting.
01:47LAUGHTER
01:49It's been Alex Hall!
01:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:52Nice to be here.
01:54OK.
01:55Hello, everyone.
01:57I've designed for episode one a brand-new magic trick,
02:00and I know you love magic, Greg.
02:01I love magic.
02:02Well, you're going to love this magic trick.
02:03It's called the magic pen.
02:04It looks like an ordinary pen.
02:06Mm-hm.
02:07But I've signed it using the pen.
02:11How?
02:12How?
02:13I'll tell you how.
02:15Magic.
02:16Magic.
02:17LAUGHTER
02:19Magic.
02:20Magic pen.
02:20How's it done?
02:21I know you're thinking,
02:22maybe I've used a second pen.
02:24Well, look.
02:24Here is another pen.
02:25Also signed.
02:26How?
02:27I'll tell you how.
02:28Magic.
02:30Magic.
02:31LAUGHTER
02:31Could there be another pen?
02:33Yes, but also signed.
02:35Magic.
02:36Yeah.
02:37I know the man well,
02:38and I wouldn't be surprised if there's a fourth pen.
02:42LAUGHTER
02:43Magic.
02:45Yeah, I don't think you'd go to fifth, though.
02:47I did, actually,
02:48and I couldn't work out how to get it on this one.
02:49I could...
02:50Anyway, that's the magic trick.
02:52An auspicious beginning to a new season.
02:55Series, Jason.
02:57LAUGHTER
02:59I'm with him, you're a guest in this country.
03:03You'll learn our ways by hook or crook, young man.
03:05LAUGHTER
03:07OK, let's have our first prize task category, please.
03:10OK, and we're starting the series with
03:12the object that reminds you of school the most in a good way.
03:16Mm.
03:16We all know Greg used to be a teacher.
03:18Mm.
03:19We also know Greg has played teachers on TV,
03:21and as the taskmaster, he's sort of like a head teacher.
03:24So, yes, Greg's got range.
03:26Five points...
03:27LAUGHTER
03:27I've not got range!
03:29LAUGHTER
03:30I'm amazed you're in showroom!
03:32LAUGHTER
03:33You should be at most an assistant bank manager.
03:37LAUGHTER
03:39So, five points will be gifted to the bringer of the item Greg likes best,
03:43and the winner of the episode will take home all five prizes
03:46in a great big school satchel.
03:48Peace out, man.
03:49OK, Fatio, welcome to Taskmaster.
03:51What have you brought me?
03:52So, I brought in a golf club.
03:54Here it is.
03:55That reminds her of school the most in a good way.
03:58As a kid, I used to be really naughty, and my mum had enough,
04:01so she came up the school, and she goes to the teacher,
04:03if Fertiha keeps on playing up, hit her, and then he got this thing,
04:08and he put it as if he's going to do a golf move, and then...
04:11And he would hit you with a golf club?
04:12No, he would pretend to. Are you mad?
04:14Am I mad?
04:17LAUGHTER
04:17He would pretend to, so he'd, like, try to scare me into being a good girl.
04:21So, the thing that you brought in that reminds you of school
04:24in a good way is a golf club that your teacher used to threaten you with.
04:28Yeah, cos I never got hit, so that's a good thing.
04:30LAUGHTER
04:31The glass is half full.
04:34Jason, what thing did you bring in to represent the good times?
04:38Well, this, for me, was something that was ubiquitous in my high school.
04:41It is a map, but it's the kind of map that was mounted on the blackboard
04:45that you pulled down like this.
04:47Oh, sweet.
04:48Right? See, I thought you might like that.
04:50Here it is.
04:51Oh, yeah.
04:51Oh, yeah, nice.
04:52I mean, how satisfying is that?
04:54That's nice.
04:55If I could just imagine myself in the world.
04:58So, your childhood imagination just soared?
05:01Just wishing that I could get out and get here onto this stage.
05:05Wow.
05:05It's both heartwarming and tragic.
05:08Who's next?
05:09Oh, I've got some facts about America, if you want.
05:12No facts.
05:14Matthew.
05:15I have brought the TV trolley.
05:19Oh, what a TV trolley!
05:21Another blinding move!
05:23Just a sweet nostalgia.
05:25When this bad boy came out, you knew you were in for 45 minutes
05:29of watching a probably late 70s, early 80s old episode of...
05:36Equinox.
05:38Science documentary.
05:39And you would ignore the educational content and you would just be
05:42sort of laughing at the fashion.
05:44Well, having been a teacher, I can give you a bit of a glance
05:47behind the magician's curtain here.
05:49Because normally you would see the film or the documentary on a Friday
05:52and the reason for that is the teachers all went to the pub.
05:56And I'm proud to tell you, I did a five-pint lunch.
06:03Every Friday?
06:04And it was Guinness too, so I was heavy.
06:10Thank you, I like your trolley.
06:11I mean, I've got to say, the golf club's looking less and less appealing.
06:16Rosie, welcome.
06:18What have you brought in?
06:19I brought me school dinner.
06:21Oh!
06:22So that's chicken with gravy.
06:25Is it?
06:26The TV should not stand up.
06:29It's all the way to the left next to the brown turd.
06:32Oh, that's stuffing.
06:34The dessert is on the same thing as the main.
06:36Yeah.
06:37So you could go in your...
06:38That's all right, it all goes in the same stomach.
06:40Bold.
06:42This is good.
06:43Stevie!
06:44School, good times?
06:45No.
06:46But I found, like, a sort of cultural cachet in my school,
06:50which involves the prize task.
06:52Right, cultural cachet.
06:53Yes.
06:54Is it, hold it down to get the E acute?
06:59Stay with me.
07:02It is.
07:29You said that you were in your 70s or something.
07:31I don't know.
07:32They had Superman, didn't they?
07:33Yes.
07:33No, they did.
07:36I'm not Victorian.
07:38Sorry.
07:39Sorry, yes, yes.
07:40Five objects there, Greg.
07:42What reminds you of school in the least good way?
07:44Well, obviously, being hit with a golf club.
07:47One point to Fatty.
07:48Well done, we're off the mark.
07:49I guess I have to judge it on the things that made me go,
07:51ah, the most, so I have to give Stevie two points,
07:53because gel pens are a little bit new for me.
07:55Two to Stevie.
07:56Three to the school dinner.
07:58OK.
07:59For no other reason than we need to move on.
08:01OK.
08:03I love the VHS trolley, but it also slightly reminds me
08:06of my own teaching days.
08:08I love the romance of the map.
08:09So, five points to Jason.
08:11Four points to the map.
08:12Well done, Jason.
08:12Well done, Jason.
08:17Let's get going.
08:18OK.
08:18Well, hands down and heads up as we kick off proceedings
08:21in the lab.
08:36Hello, hello, hello.
08:38Fancy seeing you here.
08:41Jason.
08:43Alex.
08:47Hi.
08:48Excellent entrance.
08:55Is this the lab?
08:59Wait, am I in the wrong room?
09:00It's the lab, isn't it?
09:05Bit mad.
09:06I'm going to read this.
09:07Not wasting any time.
09:08Right.
09:09Hello.
09:10Stevie?
09:11Yes.
09:11Did you get lost?
09:12I went to the wrong room.
09:14Let's go.
09:18Put your hands on the hands.
09:20Shut your eyes and keep them shut until you hear the whistle.
09:24Time starts now.
09:25Put your hands on the hands.
09:26Yes, please.
09:27Oh, I'm scared.
09:29OK.
09:33Are they shut?
09:34Yeah, they're shut.
09:36Marvellous.
09:37I can't.
09:40Well, you don't make me look silly, innit?
09:42I wouldn't dream of it.
09:44Wow.
09:49Can I open my eyes now?
09:50Yes, if you've heard the whistle.
09:54Ah!
09:57What?
09:58What is it?
10:00Yeah, that's what I thought.
10:02Two jars of piss.
10:05You've got your glasses on again if you want.
10:07Son of a bitch.
10:09OK, you can read the next part of the task now.
10:11Are you taking a mic?
10:12How am I going to do that?
10:16Oh, I hate this.
10:18Pour all the vinegar into the fish tank.
10:22Fastest winds for every millimetre spilled.
10:24One second will be added to your time.
10:27Your time starts when you heard the whistle.
10:29OK.
10:30Alex, where's the fish tank?
10:31Let me guess.
10:32It's underneath me?
10:34Is that a fish tank?
10:36Is this a fish tank?
10:40APPLAUSE
10:43Good.
10:44Fatia said,
10:45Oi, don't make me look stupid, innit?
10:47And all I've written is,
10:49You have come to the wrong show, my friend.
10:54She was furious from the moment we said,
10:56Shut your eyes.
10:56Oh, for goodness.
10:57Yeah.
10:58That's how I am, honestly.
11:00Once I went to the shop and they ran out of the chocolate I wanted
11:02and I called the police.
11:04You reported him because he hadn't kept up to speed with his chocolate supply.
11:08Yeah.
11:09Wow.
11:11Well, we begin with Fatia and Jason.
11:14And Matt.
11:16And Stevie.
11:19And that's it.
11:20Sorry, Rosie, here we go.
11:26Laughing doesn't help.
11:29Oh, my God.
11:32What happens if it's a smash?
11:38Oh.
11:40It's going to take some time.
11:42And I haven't thought through what happens when I get to the edge.
11:46Your fingers bend the wrong way.
11:48Why are you laughing, bro?
11:53It's all science-y in here.
11:55This season's theme, science.
11:57Oh, God.
11:58You're laughing.
12:03It's probably in the shed.
12:05Fish tank, fish tank, fish tank.
12:06A pint of vinegar in the fish tank.
12:09If I don't find it soon, I'm going to drink it.
12:11Okay.
12:11I'm either going to hate you or I'm going to hate myself.
12:14Okay.
12:14Well, I hope it's you in a way.
12:16This is a tank.
12:18No, it's not a tank.
12:19Well, that's a submarine.
12:21Mmm.
12:22All right.
12:23Have I lost my mind?
12:28Oh, you're taking the piss, bruv.
12:30What's this?
12:32What's it look like?
12:33You fucking assholes.
12:36Wait.
12:37Oh!
12:38This tank!
12:48Oh, fuck.
12:50I just spilled some.
12:52This is popping everywhere.
12:56Ooh.
12:57Okay.
12:58Okay.
12:58I don't like that.
12:59Son of a bitch.
13:06Oh!
13:07This is good.
13:09Okay.
13:09All the winning is in the fish tank?
13:11Yeah, yeah.
13:11I've stopped the clock.
13:12Done.
13:13Woo!
13:13That was exciting.
13:15Yeah, for you.
13:15You're not the one that smells like a chip shop now, innit?
13:18Have I gone past it and just not seen it?
13:21I genuinely don't know.
13:22I can't imagine so.
13:23You genuinely don't know.
13:27Bullshit.
13:31He's doing laps now.
13:35I'm going back in here.
13:41Fuck off!
13:43Hey, Matthew.
13:45You found a fish tank?
13:46Yeah.
13:47Found a fish tank?
13:48Do you remember I said I'd either hate myself or you?
13:51Yeah.
13:53It's you.
14:02It seems that we have a very angry cohort already this year.
14:06Matthew ran around a garden.
14:07What were you thinking when you were just running around the garden?
14:11Looking for a fish tank.
14:14And then when you did find it, you were very angry.
14:17Yes.
14:17Were you angry at the pun?
14:19Yeah.
14:20Yeah.
14:21I think that's what we all got.
14:23I think collectively.
14:25I mean, it was irritating.
14:27So irritating.
14:28Stevie, I was quite fascinated by you suddenly shouting that if you didn't find the tank soon,
14:33you were going to drink the liquid.
14:35Especially as in the early part, you'd identified it as piss.
14:39It was quite dehydrating, the process.
14:42And also, as well, I just completely ignored the two jar lids.
14:47It messes with your brain, doesn't it?
14:48Yeah.
14:48And this is the stuff that he loves.
14:50Yeah.
14:50And this gets at home going...
14:52Yeah.
14:56And I can tell you that, so far, the person who's doing the best in the task is Stevie.
15:00You did seven minutes, 42.
15:02And you didn't spill anything.
15:03Matt didn't spill anything either.
15:04Took 12 minutes, three seconds.
15:06Looked worse than that.
15:07But because of the lack of spillage, you were fine.
15:09Jason, you were much quicker.
15:09But your milliliters, or spiller-liters, you could call them spiller-liters.
15:14Let's not.
15:15Let's not do that.
15:16Tipped you over to 17 minutes, 29.
15:18I'm so sorry.
15:19Because I was penalised for spilling.
15:20Penalised.
15:21And Fatia, you were...
15:23Yeah, yeah.
15:24And Fatia, 10 minutes, 12.
15:25But we're not going to find out how Rosie's done until after the break.
15:27Oh!
15:28Ooh, that builds the tension.
15:29It must be really shit.
15:33Go on then, off you pop.
15:34I said it's break time.
15:36Go!
15:42Hey!
15:48Welcome back to Trustmaster.
15:50Our first task is underway and the new contestants have been trying
15:53to pour all of their vinegar into a fish tank.
15:55A fish tank which turned out to be a tank driven by a fish.
15:59It's clever.
16:00It's funny.
16:01And it winds Greg up.
16:02Tick, tick, tick.
16:03For every millilitre spilt, one second will be added to their time.
16:07Rosie has watched all of her rivals' attempts,
16:09and now she has to watch herself back knowing what's happened before her.
16:13So, good luck, Rosie.
16:21Mmm.
16:23Well done.
16:25Can I go in here?
16:26OK.
16:27Fish tank.
16:32How's it going, Rosie?
16:33Erm, it's...
16:34No, I haven't found anything yet.
16:36This is a bath.
16:39That's a good...
16:39That's not a fish tank.
16:41I don't think...
16:41I've not seen a fish tank anywhere.
16:46No.
16:47I'm just looking for a fish tank.
16:49Anything could be a fish tank, really, couldn't it?
16:52OK.
16:58Is that a fish tank or a jar?
17:01It's a jar, isn't it?
17:03LAUGHTER
17:07Do you want me to stop the car, Rosie?
17:08Yeah, I'll stop the car.
17:09OK, bye.
17:10OK, bye.
17:11Watch them fish.
17:12APPLAUSE
17:16I mean, should I disqualify you or not?
17:18No.
17:19No.
17:19What?
17:21LAUGHTER
17:22It's not a fish tank.
17:23Do you want me to tell you the definition of a fish tank?
17:24I do want you to tell me.
17:25Well, it's a tank driven by a fish...
17:29LAUGHTER
17:30..or a transparent container of water in which live fish
17:33and other water creatures and plants are kept.
17:35I thought outside the box.
17:37You did think outside the box.
17:38I did think outside the box.
17:39Well, shall I tell you the times and you can decide what to do?
17:42Stevie was the quickest, was 7.42.
17:43Then Fatia, 10 minutes.
17:45Matt, 12 minutes.
17:46Rosie was 15 and a half minutes.
17:48OK.
17:49Didn't spill a drop.
17:50Jason, because of his spillage, was 17 minutes 29.
17:53If it had been a normal fish tank,
17:55then I would be penalising Rosie,
17:56but because it was a stupid play on words,
17:58I'm going to allow her fish tank.
18:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
18:03Yes.
18:04OK.
18:05So you're saying that Jason comes last,
18:07one point, two points to Rosie, three to Matt,
18:10four to Fatia, but Stevie gets the full five points.
18:12Very nice.
18:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
18:16Let's have our first scoreboard, please.
18:19Joint leaders, with seven points, are Matt and Stevie.
18:22Lovely look.
18:26What's next, my cylindrical little piglet?
18:29LAUGHTER
18:31Don't mind that.
18:32Backwards and forwards thing Cool are doing involves task.
18:35Next, this, Greg.
18:36Well...
18:36Oh, God.
18:50You look very cool.
18:51I know.
18:53You look nice.
18:55I look...
18:57Cool.
18:59Cool guy.
19:03If you could use one word to describe me, what would it be?
19:06Ridiculous.
19:07LAUGHTER
19:09Not what that's happening for.
19:11Do something really cool.
19:13You have a maximum of ten minutes.
19:16Your time starts...
19:17..now.
19:21Is there a bed?
19:23Cool's sort of not caring.
19:25Yeah, I don't care.
19:26Or is it actually cool to be passionate?
19:30Now, super quick question.
19:32Can I get on the roof?
19:33I would say you definitely can't do that.
19:35LAUGHTER
19:37Really?
19:38I can't go out into traffic.
19:40No.
19:41Can't get on the roof.
19:42Can't go on the road.
19:43You know what?
19:44Comedy thrives on yes and, not no but.
19:48It wasn't even no but, it was...
19:50You definitely can't.
19:50Ooh, that's anti-cool.
19:53Ugh.
19:53OK.
19:54What cool things can you do?
19:56Let's think of cool things I can't do.
19:59Right.
20:00And then we try to find something that I can do.
20:02What's cool?
20:03What is cool?
20:05Lemonade?
20:06Yeah, lemonade is cool.
20:08What do you do that's cool?
20:10Sometimes spit.
20:11LAUGHTER
20:14What?
20:15Yuck.
20:15I'm going to go and get a guitar.
20:19It's time, Horne.
20:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
20:25Yeah?
20:26Happy with that?
20:26Yeah, see you later, mate.
20:28Move.
20:28Oh, actually, we're going to have to go down.
20:30I'm so sorry.
20:31It's actually rude rather than cool.
20:33I know.
20:33Um, sorry, sorry, sorry.
20:35There is one more...
20:36thing.
20:39Great.
20:40Do your cool thing backwards!
20:42The cool thing backwards, played backwards,
20:44that looks most like the forwards cool thing,
20:48played forwards, wins.
20:52You're 15 minutes.
20:54APPLAUSE
20:58Well, I think I speak for all of us when I say,
21:01I'm looking forward to Matthew playing a song backwards.
21:04LAUGHTER
21:06It's time, Horne.
21:14Yes, I'm joined.
21:27So, that was the footage reversed, obviously.
21:29Oh, was it?
21:30Yes.
21:31Stevie, I'm not one for platitudes.
21:33It might be the single coolest thing I've ever seen.
21:36I enjoyed the addition of the little man popping out of the bin.
21:39LAUGHTER
21:41I've got no notes.
21:43Fine.
21:44It will go downhill, right?
21:45Well, there's Matt playing guitar next.
21:47Here we go.
21:49LAUGHTER
21:51I'm Matthew Bainton, and this is Cool.
21:57Don't turn that big frown upside down
22:00You'd be a fool
22:02If you thought that not caring was cool
22:07If you had a fool
22:08V- You're sleeping
22:11I'm blind
22:12It's dry
22:14It's fun
22:14And how you could
22:25If you thought
22:33It's scary
22:35Your sight
22:47I mean, I thought you were this generation's Morrissey before I saw it reversed quite Eurovision in this one
22:5670s Eurovision it straddles the genres I mean if this is the last thing you achieve in your life you've
23:03done well
23:06Thank you can I go rewind you can because it's time for Rosie Ramsey can you give me a six
23:12six beat okay
24:04I've got kids.
24:05I... I felt like we were watching CCTV from a secure unit.
24:11LAUGHTER
24:14Really bad.
24:16LAUGHTER
24:19And now, as I always say, partway through Alex and my playful wrestling sessions,
24:24it's time for a break.
24:26APPLAUSE
24:35Hello. Welcome back to the third part of the show,
24:38where our cool new contestants have to be cool
24:41and then do that cool thing backwards.
24:43Oh, yeah, this guy knows his shiz.
24:45Next up, good luck guessing what's happening here, Greg.
24:48It's Fatia's attempt.
24:51So, you see me.
24:53My arms is yet.
24:56It's me, yo, that's it...
24:58...you know, I've had one of...
24:59...you sick, you know, I...
25:02...we're gonna lie...
25:03Oh, yeah!
25:06Oh, yeah!
25:11Oh, yeah!
25:11Oh, yeah!
25:13Oh, yeah!
25:15Oh, yeah!
25:28What the fuck's going on?
25:31LAUGHTER
25:32Do you want to see it going forward?
25:34Well, I need to, cos at the moment I just feel angry.
25:38LAUGHTER
25:39OK, well, this is a cool thing she did forwards,
25:41then let's see if you understand it after that.
25:43If we get some sweets and then you eat one,
25:47and I can tell which one it is, by the way, you're chewing.
25:50For real, man, for real, I'm not even playing with you.
25:53Well, that's quite cool. I'm so good at that game.
25:56Yeah, let go.
26:02It's in.
26:04LAUGHTER
26:04Right, start chewing it.
26:11Is it this?
26:13LAUGHTER
26:15Is it this?
26:18LAUGHTER
26:19Is it this?
26:21LAUGHTER
26:21This is not going to plan.
26:26LAUGHTER
26:29Yeah!
26:30I only had seven goes, and I got it on the eighth.
26:34Wow. Placed?
26:34Yeah.
26:35If we were holding hands, I would have got it on the first one.
26:38LAUGHTER
26:40APPLAUSE
26:44OK, Fatsy, what's going on here?
26:47Because that's not a known game.
26:49It is.
26:50It is.
26:50Me and my friend play all the time, and I always win.
26:52Oh, play?
26:53Yeah.
26:54Well, present tense.
26:55Only with him.
26:56Because you have to have a connection.
26:58Do you know why it didn't work?
26:59Because Muppet features over there had glasses on.
27:01Oh, wow.
27:02It was Alex's one.
27:03It was.
27:04Why didn't you tell me to take the glasses off?
27:06Because I thought...
27:08LAUGHTER
27:09SHUT UP!
27:11LAUGHTER
27:12APPLAUSE
27:16Who buys the sweet soup?
27:17Any of us.
27:18That's what I mean.
27:19If he doesn't bring them, do you call the police on him?
27:22LAUGHTER
27:25OK, one left to see, Greg.
27:29Yeah.
27:29It's Jason Manzoutan.
27:31HE LAUGHS
27:45Locked door.
27:46Lock pick set.
27:57You've got 30 seconds.
28:03Whoa!
28:04Big set!
28:08LAUGHTER
28:25Cool!
28:27Luke!
28:31LAUGHTER
28:36Huh?
28:38Pretty cool, right?
28:39Yeah.
28:39It was pretty cool.
28:40Yeah!
28:41I mean, what am I?
28:42Magnum P.I.?
28:43Where's that come from?
28:44My bag.
28:46LAUGHTER
28:48APPLAUSE
28:52Undeniably impressive.
28:53I've been sidetracked, though, by when you were asked
28:56where you got the lock picking set.
28:58Yes.
28:58You replied, from my bag.
29:00Correct.
29:01OK.
29:02Who are you?
29:03LAUGHTER
29:04Well, you might have also heard me say,
29:05who am I?
29:06Magnum P.I.?
29:07Because that is where I learned those skills.
29:10So...
29:10And I became obsessed with picking locks.
29:11So you went...
29:12So I bought a lock pick set.
29:13OK.
29:13And you can also buy practice locks.
29:15OK.
29:15That you can practice...
29:16Don't use this tone, I'm the fool, here.
29:19LAUGHTER
29:20Listen up, dummy!
29:21LAUGHTER
29:21Yes, and if you're wondering, the lock pick set
29:24is in my dressing room right now.
29:26Who do you let on this show, bruv?
29:28LAUGHTER
29:29Says fucking guess the sweets.
29:33LAUGHTER
29:35Well...
29:35Who's only going to get one point, then?
29:37Well, Fatia.
29:38Correct.
29:38One!
29:39LAUGHTER
29:42I feel like I've dissed Rosie really badly,
29:44but it's probably the least accurate.
29:46Two points for Rosie.
29:47Oh, God, everybody else was pretty good.
29:49God!
29:49Maybe Jason gets three.
29:51I'm going to make a rogue decision and say that,
29:53because I think that he moved the hearts of the nation
29:55with his beautiful son,
29:57and he gave Matthew the five points and...
29:59APPLAUSE
30:00Four to Steve is fucking Matthew.
30:02Incredible.
30:03Sharing is cool.
30:06I'd like another task, please, little Alex Hayek.
30:09OK, yes, and roll up, roll up.
30:11No, I don't mean reefers, Greg.
30:13I mean it's time...
30:15LAUGHTER
30:15..for the greatest sporting event of all time.
30:18MUSIC PLAYS
30:37Well...
30:38What have you been?
30:39Just been for a little hike round the forest, clearly.
30:42Mmm.
30:44Should we do it?
30:46By we, I mean me, and you just...
30:49..stand around.
30:52Win the P-Olympics.
30:55Win the P-Olympics.
30:58P-Olympics.
30:59P-Olympics.
30:59Well, P-E-A-L-Y.
31:02P-E-A-L-Y.
31:03P-E-A-L-Y.
31:04M-P-I-C-S.
31:06P-E-A-L-Y.
31:07P-E-A-L-Y.
31:07There are five events.
31:09Top two performers in each event get a medal.
31:13Most medals wins.
31:16Mm-hmm.
31:17So it doesn't matter if you come first or second,
31:18as long as you come first or second.
31:20All right.
31:20Yeah?
31:21Yeah.
31:21Ready for the P-Olympics?
31:23Do I have a choice?
31:25No?
31:26Yeah, exactly.
31:32OK.
31:33Straight in.
31:34Straight in.
31:34Well, first up, it is Fatia and Mattia.
31:39Five events.
31:40This is event number one.
31:42Work out which pillow the P is under.
31:46In the fewest guesses, you have three minutes.
31:49Well, it could be any of them, couldn't it?
31:51Could be.
31:52I think it's that yellow one.
31:53Right.
31:54Chop, chop.
31:54Not under there.
31:55The green one next to it, please.
31:57Right.
31:57No.
31:58The order of colours changes around here.
32:01Oh, that's interesting.
32:02It's that arbitrary.
32:04Either is or isn't.
32:07How many are there?
32:0826.
32:09Nice number.
32:10Whatever.
32:11I don't feel like it makes a difference.
32:1320 seconds to find the P.
32:17That green one over there?
32:19Uh, no.
32:20Two seconds.
32:24Nice sign of the P.
32:25Well, that was a waste of time.
32:26Yep, I agree.
32:27Ready for the second event?
32:29Wow.
32:29I don't mind going back to your spot.
32:31If you don't mind, I'd like to just dwell on the regret.
32:34Yep.
32:34No, that's fine.
32:36Balance your P on the highest tower of carrots.
32:39You have three minutes.
32:40I don't have the P.
32:41Can I get you the P?
32:42Here we go.
32:44Oh, you're out of order.
32:45I'm taking a reminder here.
32:46I think it counts, doesn't it?
32:5012 seconds left.
32:56Not long now.
32:57Two seconds, really.
32:59Fuck off!
33:00No!
33:02Event number two is over.
33:06It's a lovely tower.
33:08No P.
33:10Right, event number three.
33:11OK.
33:12Catch a P fired from the P catapult.
33:15If you catch a P in one hand, your time is divided by two.
33:20If you catch a P in your mouth, your time is divided by five.
33:24Good luck, Matthew.
33:26OK, here they come.
33:28Literally can't see it.
33:30Couldn't see it.
33:32Quick.
33:32I can't even see it.
33:36I can't see it.
33:39Can you do more than one?
33:41Yeah.
33:45Say it again.
34:00Why couldn't you get, like, the big Bs?
34:03The haricots or whatever they're called.
34:04Why you get these?
34:05Who's catching these?
34:07I'm not a bird.
34:08Oh, if it gets in my hijab, does that count?
34:11Yeah, that counts.
34:11I've got loads.
34:12Huh.
34:13Congratulations.
34:14OK, this is the last one.
34:16Please.
34:21Is there a P in your hand?
34:25No.
34:26That's the end of event number three.
34:30Throw a P the furthest.
34:32Towards the river, please.
34:34So into the wind?
34:35Yep.
34:38Throw a P that way.
34:39Yeah, it must be in that direction, yeah.
34:41I know you're deranged, right?
34:43So I know I'm going to throw this,
34:44and then you're going to make me go and get it.
34:49That's not coming up.
34:51A few practices.
34:54Are you going to actually throw the...
34:56Yeah, I'm going to throw the real one now.
34:5710 seconds.
34:57You're like, it's not coming down.
35:02It's still.
35:07Find your throne P the fastest.
35:10Love, a maximum of three minutes.
35:12Time starts when you open the top.
35:14Be careful.
35:16Why did I do practices?
35:17There's my P, can you see it?
35:19That was my one.
35:20You found your P?
35:21Yeah, I did.
35:22Is that it?
35:23Yeah, that's it.
35:23You've got two minutes, ten.
35:28You're meant to be finding peas, not carrots.
35:35I've scored the clock. Yes!
35:43Lucky, we've not even won full episodes into this series,
35:46and I think you might be close to the edge.
35:50That is not even close to my lowest edge.
35:52I remember that fondly, if anything.
35:56Fabulous.
35:57Fatia, I'm sure you find this show an inconvenience.
36:01How dare you? I call fucking five Ps, brother, you mad?
36:07Yes, brother.
36:10So, that's the end of part three.
36:12Who will win the episode and then have to drag home a TV trolley?
36:16Not me, and that's all that matters.
36:21APPLAUSE
36:27Welcome back to the final part of this first outing with our new competitors.
36:32Before the break, they've been taking part in our very own P-based Olympics.
36:35Oh, yes, the old P-ly-impics.
36:39Five events and just three legume legends to go.
36:42So, last up to the mark, it's Rosie, Stevie and Chase.
36:47Work out which pillow the P is under.
36:49You may not tamper with a pillow before guessing.
36:51So, it's just guess.
36:53Maybe.
36:54I'm going to guess this one.
36:55No.
36:56No.
36:57No.
36:58No.
36:59Do you know where the P is?
37:00No.
37:01No.
37:01No.
37:02The P's don't talk.
37:03I don't think P's can talk.
37:05I've lost my mind.
37:05No, they're vegetables.
37:06I'm just going to guess this guy and this guy.
37:09I'm going to guess this guy.
37:10Well, there's no way it has to be guessed.
37:12Oh, really?
37:13So, I'm just going to do them all.
37:15Oh, there! Look!
37:16This guy.
37:18This guy.
37:18There it is.
37:19I like your system.
37:21Yeah, I just chose different guys to flip over.
37:24Mmm.
37:28That one.
37:30Ah!
37:31There's two P's under there!
37:33Well, weirdly, you put a P under the right pillow.
37:36It was clever, but unnecessary.
37:38Yeah, and I was tampered with it, so I've lost.
37:40Okay, cool!
37:42Jesus Christ!
37:42Nice!
37:43Alright.
37:45Balance your P on the highest tower of carrots.
37:48I'm not good at building stuff, you know.
37:50Right.
37:50I wouldn't have said that a carrot was a rolly veg, but yeah.
37:54Alright.
37:59Yeah.
38:03Have you washed these carrots?
38:05We will.
38:14I'm so proud of myself.
38:1712 seconds.
38:21That's as good as I'm going to get, I think.
38:2410 seconds.
38:25Where's the P?
38:28This is the P.
38:30This is the P, this is the P.
38:31Two seconds.
38:32No!
38:37I mean, this is irrelevant.
38:41That's a lovely tower.
38:42Will you do any better in event number three?
38:46Catch a P fired from the P catapult.
38:49If you catch a P in your mouth, your time is divided by five.
38:52Good luck.
38:53Okay, go.
38:54Ah!
38:55What?
38:56How?
38:57Can you do one test, please?
39:02Oh!
39:12Got it.
39:12Let's see.
39:16Okay, what about if you fire it right into my face?
39:2055 seconds.
39:23Can you catch one?
39:24No!
39:27Yes!
39:28Go to P.
39:29Here we go.
39:32Let's see.
39:33Congratulations.
39:38Draw a P the furthest.
39:40Now, I'll be honest.
39:42I'm going to tuck this in there.
39:43Nobody's ever going to find it.
39:49P is inside.
39:53The P has been thrown.
40:01I think it got down to here.
40:04Did it?
40:07Oh!
40:08Have you found the P yet?
40:09No!
40:13Got it!
40:14I've stopped the clock.
40:15I will need to check the P's in it.
40:18Any sign of the P?
40:2220 seconds.
40:23We're hurrying up.
40:24Oh!
40:24Oh!
40:24OK.
40:25I'll try another bit.
40:27You found the P?
40:28I found the P.
40:30Come on.
40:32If I'd have got that carrot tower...
40:35It all rested on that carrot tower.
40:40Ah!
40:46I've stopped the clock!
40:52Well, that's the most joyous moment so far.
40:57Unbelievably, she found a P in a field quicker than these two found carrots in a field.
41:04Well, you found loads of other carrots before your one.
41:06I had lots of done in that.
41:06You took over two minutes.
41:07She found hers in a minute and a half.
41:09Wow.
41:09Now, on to the tragic story of this particular P-Limp.
41:14But there was a victory within your attempt, wasn't there?
41:16I mean, no-one's made a better carrot tower than that ever.
41:20But I then lost because the P rolled off.
41:22Yes.
41:22No, I know.
41:22I mean, it's all for nothing.
41:24It's all right, yeah.
41:26Well, the medal ceremony will happen on the screen behind me and I can tell you that,
41:29Stevie, as you can see, you did get one medal for your catch in your mouth.
41:32Matt, you also got one medal, so you come joint fourth.
41:34You get two points.
41:35Fatia, you got two golds in your tower and you're fined.
41:39You are third.
41:39Two people in first place.
41:40Jason, with your two golds and your silver.
41:43Rosie, you got one gold and two silvers, so you both get five points.
41:46Well done.
41:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:50Have we ever put the scores?
41:51Yes.
41:52Fatia, you are in last place with nine points.
41:56Jason and Matt in the lead on 14.
41:59APPLAUSE
42:02Please make your way to the stage for the final task of the show!
42:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:13Hello there, sweet cheeks.
42:15Hi, Greg.
42:16Who will be reading the tasks?
42:17I would like Rosie Ramsey to read it, please.
42:20Rosie.
42:20Pleasure.
42:22Get the most raisins in your wine glass.
42:25You may only touch raisins with your mouth.
42:29You must not bend at the waist and your hands must be behind your back at all times.
42:35Also, every time you drop a raisin into your wine glass, you must shout the name of one of your
42:41competitors.
42:41That competitor must immediately shout their name, too.
42:45If they don't, Alex will empty their wine glass.
42:49Oof.
42:50You have 100 seconds.
42:52Wow.
42:52So, Greg is going to be watching the waist work.
42:55Greg, if you think someone's bending, I'll come over.
42:57Oh, my God, I'll be on them like a puma.
42:59Yes.
43:00LAUGHTER
43:01But also I will empty their wine glass.
43:03OK, good luck, everyone.
43:04Your time starts on the whistle.
43:06WHISTLE BLOWS
43:07Don't bend that waist.
43:10WHISTLE BLOWS
43:11Ha!
43:12Ha!
43:13Ha!
43:13Ha!
43:15You must shout someone's name if you...
43:17Jason!
43:19Jason!
43:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:24LAUGHTER
43:29Rosie shouts.
43:30Stevie!
43:31Rosie!
43:32No.
43:33No.
43:34Matthew!
43:35Matthew!
43:36You must shout your own name.
43:37Oh, fuck!
43:38Well...
43:38Rosie!
43:39Rosie!
43:44Rosie!
43:45Rosie!
43:47Rosie!
43:48Rosie!
43:49You've got to shout your own name.
43:50She did shout Rosie.
43:52Rosie!
43:53Rosie!
43:55Rosie!
43:58Rosie!
43:59Rosie!
44:00Rosie!
44:01Rosie!
44:01Rosie!
44:17Stop!
44:29Stop!
44:30Stop!
44:31Stop!
44:33Oh, no!
44:34Oh, no!
44:35It's not something that's on ground.
44:37Fabulous.
44:37Listen, we'll work the scores out.
44:40We'll add them to your final scores.
44:41Please come down and join me!
44:50Well, well, well, that was insane.
44:55I guess we start with Fatia.
44:56You didn't get any raisins in your glass in the end.
44:58And there's a very good reason for that, isn't there, Fatia?
45:00Yeah, my shoes in you, I'm not getting on the floor, right?
45:05She gets one point, Ridley, which is more than the amount of raisins she got in the glass.
45:09So it's one to Fatia. Jason ended up with just three raisins in his glass.
45:13Two points to Jason.
45:15Incredibly, Stevie and Rosie both got 70 raisins in their glass.
45:19Oh, my God!
45:19So they share second place and four points each,
45:21but Matthew, with 315 raisins, gets five points!
45:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:29So, I'll put the episode scores.
45:31In first place, it's Matt with 19 points!
45:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:36Matthew wins!
45:38Please, sit up to the stage and snap up your school day star!
45:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:11AND APPLAUSE
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