- 1 hour ago
Taskmaster - S20E09 - A 1970s Camping Kettle [Full Movie] [Must See]Full EP - Full
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:01Oh, no!
00:05Hello?
00:12Hey!
00:18Nothing's ever straightforward in this stupid house.
00:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:34Hi! Hello!
00:35Welcome to Taskmaster. I'm Greg Davis and I've got beef.
00:39I've got beef, I've got lamb, I've got pork, and I've got chicken.
00:42Who wants chicken?
00:50Welcome to Taskmaster. Expect the unexpected,
00:53but also expect the following people.
00:56They are...
00:57Anya Magliano!
01:00Maisie Adam!
01:01Phil Ellis!
01:04Reece Shearsmith!
01:07And Sandy Baskar!
01:11And next to me, a man who, according to fan fiction on the internet,
01:16I am in and out of like a sewing machine.
01:24It's a plan of time!
01:27APPLAUSE
01:29Hello, everyone.
01:30I have to deal with the correspondence.
01:32Wow!
01:33So many questions this week.
01:34So let's have some frequently asked questions
01:36to little Alex Horne.
01:39FAQs!
01:40For the L-A-H!
01:42FAQs to the L-A-H!
01:43Yeah, the FAQs!
01:45For the L-A-H!
01:47OK, so we've got a question...
01:49LAUGHTER
01:50from Jeremy.
01:51I have such genuine contempt for you sometimes.
01:54Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:55OK.
01:55Question here from Jeremy in Egypt, who says...
01:59Did you do anything special for dinner last night, Alex?
02:01And I did, Jeremy.
02:02I had Stephen Fry for dinner, so...
02:06Stir fry!
02:06I had stir fry for dinner.
02:08Next question.
02:10FAQ!
02:12For the L-A-H!
02:13Oh, and Jeremy has asked another question.
02:16He says, did you have the...
02:18Ooh, he already heard my answer.
02:19Did you have the stir fry with anyone?
02:21And I did, I had it with Annika Rice.
02:23With special fried rice!
02:24LAUGHTER
02:30What are you writing?
02:31I've written 20 series, and that was the worst start of...
02:35Right, let us begin with the proceedings.
02:38Off we go!
02:39It's prize task time, and the category is...
02:41The most respected item that retains its credibility
02:45when you talk about it in a high-pitched voice.
02:51Respectability and credibility in the face of high-frequency soliloquies.
02:54It's as simple as that, guys.
02:56Five points for the best one,
02:57and all five items will still go home with the episode winner.
03:00Maisie, what is your respected item?
03:03Well, I've bought in...
03:05LAUGHTER
03:07This is the task, no?
03:09OK. Do you want me to...
03:10Yeah.
03:11Do you want me to go high as well?
03:12Er...
03:12Well, I don't know if it lessens my high voice if you're also high.
03:17Maybe I go deep.
03:20Didn't like the eye contact when you said...
03:22LAUGHTER
03:23Maybe I go deep.
03:25LAUGHTER
03:28Erm, so I've brought in a wonderful and authentic signed photo of Aled Jones.
03:35Here it is.
03:37Erm...
03:42He's most well-known for the Walking in the Air song, which is pretty much up here.
03:48Yeah.
03:49Is he credible, Aled?
03:51Credible?
03:51Yeah.
03:52He's a national treasure.
03:54He didn't sing the one in the film, though.
03:57He re-recorded it.
03:58Yeah, well, less about that.
03:59I don't want to tell you.
03:59LAUGHTER
04:00Oh, my God, someone's lost their credibility.
04:03LAUGHTER
04:04Sanjay.
04:04Well, erm, you...
04:06You know that, you know, from previous episodes what my attitude to this show has been.
04:12It can be summed up...
04:13It can be summed up by, I've got an OBE, why am I here?
04:16LAUGHTER
04:19So, in that vein, let me show you, it's a book.
04:23Look!
04:25It's puppies and...
04:27LAUGHTER
04:28What?
04:30LAUGHTER
04:31And on the back, just to kind of help it...
04:34Sanjay.
04:35Sorry.
04:37LAUGHTER
04:38Look, look, look at the little one down there.
04:41LAUGHTER
04:42I feel a lot better now.
04:43I know.
04:44I mean, you are off the hook, my friend.
04:47I have never seen a puppy in a park and picked it up and I'm going,
04:49oh, oh, it's so credible.
04:53LAUGHTER
04:53You've brought some terrible price dust in, but this is a new look.
04:58Ania.
05:00Hello.
05:00What have you brought in that I will respect?
05:03I've made a rug.
05:06LAUGHTER
05:08She genuinely did make a rug.
05:12Model on a specific boots store, is that right?
05:15Piccadilly Circus.
05:17LAUGHTER
05:19I think it's an incredible shop.
05:21Boots has been around for generations, hasn't it?
05:23Well, I wouldn't know about that.
05:26LAUGHTER
05:27We get it.
05:28We get it, you're young.
05:30APPLAUSE
05:33What I will say is that I think in this society that we live in,
05:37it's become quite a godless state.
05:40LAUGHTER
05:41Something has filled the gap of church and I think it's Boots.
05:45Against all odds, this is the strongest one so far.
05:49LAUGHTER
05:51Phil.
05:52I've brought in...
05:54LAUGHTER
05:54..my nana's headstone.
06:00LAUGHTER
06:07Yes, he has.
06:09I mean, obviously this is not her real gravestone.
06:11Well, my dad had never got one.
06:13So I thought I'd get one.
06:16What, they just tossed her in a hole?
06:18LAUGHTER
06:19When we lowered it in, I remember my mum went,
06:22that's a bit deeper than normal.
06:23And my auntie went, yeah, I've asked them to go deeper
06:26so I can go in on top of her.
06:28LAUGHTER
06:30So my auntie is buried on top of my nana with the chihuahuas.
06:36Oh, my God, this is all true, isn't it?
06:38It's true.
06:39LAUGHTER
06:40And we're fine with there being a picture of Winston Churchill on the...
06:43LAUGHTER
06:44Do you know, I'd never seen the resemblance until you mentioned it, yeah?
06:48LAUGHTER
06:51APPLAUSE
06:53Incredible, Phil.
06:55Um, Rhys.
06:56Yes, well, I began, not doing the voice for now,
06:58but I began thinking what was a respectable item,
07:02so I proceeded to create a one-off, limited-edition commemorative plate
07:08for the coronation of the King Charles and the Queen Consort, Camilla.
07:13Beautiful.
07:14LAUGHTER
07:17And then I thought, well, who better to voice in a high-pitched manner this,
07:22so I asked Joe Pasquale.
07:24LAUGHTER
07:26Who better?
07:27Yeah.
07:27This decorative 12-inch commemorative plate
07:30features two detailed portraits of King Charles III
07:32and Queen Camilla wearing their magnificent crowns,
07:36perfect for serving of sandwiches on a big pile of rich teas.
07:40Mm.
07:41LAUGHTER
07:43APPLAUSE
07:44APPLAUSE
07:45APPLAUSE
07:47Wow.
07:48Mm.
07:48And this is almost impossible to score.
07:51LAUGHTER
07:52OK.
07:52One point to Sanjeev.
07:53One point to Sanjeev, OK.
07:54I'm going to give two points to Maisie.
07:56OK.
07:57I'm going to give Anya and Rhys four points.
08:00Four to Anya.
08:00Four to Rhys.
08:01And I'm using this task to give Hetty the respect she was not afforded
08:05by whoever tossed her in a hole in the ground.
08:08LAUGHTER
08:08And then these five points are for Hetty.
08:10There we go. Well done for Lillis.
08:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
08:15Right, let's get tasking.
08:17Here we go.
08:18And lucky us, it's time to get trollied.
08:20MUSIC PLAYS
08:33Maisie!
08:34How are you?
08:35Really good.
08:37Hello.
08:40OK.
08:42Trolley?
08:43Yeah, it's a nice trolley.
08:46Right.
08:49Ahem.
08:51Build a tower of bricks on this trolley,
08:54then push it down the slope.
08:56You may not touch the trolley after it passes the start line.
09:00Is that the start line up there?
09:01Yeah, that's the start line, yeah.
09:02OK.
09:03The tallest tower that passes the finish line wins.
09:05As well as bricks, all the contents of one of these bins
09:10must be part of your tower, but nothing else.
09:13You may only look inside the bins once,
09:16and only for as long as you can scream.
09:20You must replace each lid before looking in the next bin.
09:22You have a total of ten minutes and three attempts
09:25during which you must also scream.
09:30Your times start when Alex screams.
09:34OK.
09:41So...
09:41Ah!
09:42Oh, my God!
09:43Ah!
09:45Ah!
09:47Good.
09:47Build a tower of bricks on this trolley.
09:49Where are all the other bricks?
09:50Ah!
09:59There was a lot for me to be distracted by in that set-up.
10:03Alex's screaming, in particular, was disturbing.
10:07Never done it before.
10:08Yeah.
10:09Love to scream.
10:10Give it a go.
10:11Ah!
10:13All right, I'm ready.
10:15Here we go.
10:16First to attack the stack are Anya and let's have Phil.
10:21Let's start screaming.
10:23Screaming for the whole time?
10:24For the whole time.
10:25Ah!
10:28Ah!
10:32Ah!
10:34Ah!
10:35Ah!
10:35Ah!
10:36Ah!
10:37Ah!
10:37Ah!
10:38Ah!
10:38Ah!
10:39Ah!
10:42Ah!
10:43Ah!
10:47Ah!
10:49I didn't actually see what that was.
10:51And I think I did a little wee from screaming so hard.
10:55Oh!
10:56Ah!
10:59Ah!
11:00Ah!
11:00Lovely stuff.
11:01I've forgotten what was in the bins.
11:04Kettle?
11:05That said cement.
11:06There's no point with cement, because I don't really have time to mix it.
11:11I'm going to go with cement.
11:13OK.
11:14Oh!
11:15Oh, my God!
11:15It's actually, like, I get to make it.
11:17OK, well, should I build it up there, then, maybe?
11:19If you want.
11:20Do you want me to bring any bricks or not?
11:21Yes, please.
11:22How many?
11:23All of them.
11:25Well...
11:26I'm going to go for the top cap bit.
11:28Oh, this is bullshit!
11:30HE LAUGHS
11:32Ah!
11:33OK, now we're talking!
11:35Oh!
11:37Oh!
11:39Er...
11:40This isn't cement.
11:43That's flour, by the way.
11:45Yeah, don't taste everything.
11:53HE LAUGHS
11:54So these are really useful, because look...
11:57Oh, I've got two more bricks!
11:59Yeah, you don't have to use all the bricks.
12:01Have I made a terrible error?
12:02Well, you've got to get it down that slope in the next three minutes and ten seconds.
12:04Oh, I've got to get it up the slope as well?
12:05And down the slope.
12:06I've got to get it up!
12:08Two and a half minutes.
12:09How do you turn it?
12:10How do you turn it, Charlie?
12:12This is worse than the ones I steal from Lidl.
12:16That.
12:17All right.
12:18Bit of class.
12:20You've only got time for one go.
12:21You've got ten seconds.
12:22OK.
12:22Oh, I'm going to do it during this time?
12:24Absolutely.
12:24Oh, I thought I was just waiting!
12:28AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
12:29AHHHHH!
12:30AHHHHH!
12:30AHHHHH!
12:33AHHHHH!
12:40AHHHHH!
12:43AHHHHH!
12:45AHHHHH!
12:46AHHHHH!
12:47AHHHHH!
12:47AHHHHH!
12:48AHHHHH!
12:48AHHHHH!
12:49AHHHHH!
12:49AHHHHH!
12:50AHHH, AHHH!
12:53AHHH!
12:53I've only killed the whole crew!
12:55It went so much worse than I thought it was going to go!
12:58It wasn't a very sturdy structure.
13:00It's only because it went off piece.
13:04OK, thanks, Anya. Thank you.
13:11I mean, we've said it many times, crew are dispensable, right?
13:18But you both genuinely almost hurt them.
13:21Watching it back, it looks like a targeted attack.
13:25Phil screams full-throated like a mighty bear, I thought.
13:28Oh, thank you.
13:28You, you sound exactly like a 1970s camping kettle.
13:36He took me back to childhood holidays.
13:43Phil's did just about cross the line.
13:46Anya's didn't cross the line at all.
13:47Don't I get points for mine looking quite flamboyant
13:50and exciting as it went down?
13:51Absolutely not.
13:53OK, break time.
13:54And statistically, we will spend nearly four years of our lives
13:59watching adverts.
14:01Also, kangaroos have three vaginas.
14:03Interesting facts.
14:09APPLAUSE
14:13Hello!
14:14Welcome back to Taskmaster,
14:16where the current task involves stacking bricks on a trolley
14:19and shoving it down a hill.
14:20Yes, it's absolutely safe and almost no crew were in danger.
14:24Tallest tower past the finish line wins.
14:27Finally then, it's the three-card trick of Maisie, Rhys and Sanjeev.
14:32Ready?
14:32Ahhhh!
14:39Ahhhh!
14:40Ahhhh!
14:41Aahhhhh!
14:41No! Screens finished.
14:45Ahhhhhhhhh!
14:50AAAAAH!
14:55AAAAAH!
14:56Ah! Ah!
14:59Right, you didn't have to scream while you...
15:02Oh, I didn't have to keep screaming whilst using it.
15:04Only while looking in it. Oh!
15:06Right. Oh.
15:08Shout out if you want any builder's gloves.
15:10Might be good to have builder's gloves.
15:12I've got some here for you.
15:13Oh, right, well, go on, then.
15:15This is the first time I've ever done manual labour.
15:18Ah, you can't tell.
15:23Oh, bollocks, for God's sake.
15:26Oh, the...
15:29Ah, that...
15:30Well, you're welcome to, I suppose, but it is a camera.
15:33It's in there.
15:34At this point, I'm going to choose this.
15:36Ah!
15:37I'm going to put that down there,
15:40with the apple inside.
15:46Don't hurt your back.
15:48OK.
15:49Ready? Here we go.
15:52Oh!
15:55Aaaaaaaaah!
15:58Oh!
16:01Oh, oh, oh...
16:02It didn't work.
16:06What's that?
16:07Oh, I am laughing.
16:10I am laughing.
16:12Oh!
16:14Erm, right, help me push it.
16:16Please. Please.
16:19Steady, steady.
16:20OK.
16:23Right. So that tells us something.
16:29OK. Are we going up the hill?
16:31We're going to go up the hill. OK, here we go.
16:33Oh, best of luck, Sanjeev.
16:35Argh!
16:35Argh!
16:54Very happy with that.
16:56Argh!
17:02Uh-oh.
17:07None bricks.
17:09Anybody want a...
17:11a Waldoin?
17:15ARGH!
17:18ARGH!
17:20ARGH!
17:21ARGH!
17:22ARGH!
17:23ARGH!
17:23ARGH!
17:27ARGH!
17:33ARGH!
17:34AAAAAAAH!
17:36BOOM!
17:39You've got 30 seconds left.
17:41No, I'm happy.
17:42Yeah.
17:43Fantastic.
17:47Nice job.
17:51I mean, that is a full-throated scream.
17:54Yeah.
17:54The drama of the final image.
17:56I mean, it might be your proudest moment.
17:58It's a shame I have to disqualify you,
18:00because so much of the flower fell off.
18:02I'm only joking.
18:02Oh!
18:07You didn't keep that going for long, Greg.
18:09No, I know.
18:10She looks so upset.
18:10I thought she was going to...
18:12I was going to cry.
18:14Very impressive from Sanjeev,
18:16yet again showing why he landed a role on Paddington 2.
18:20It's just...
18:21It's so resourceful.
18:23But what he did very cleverly was incorporate the camera
18:25that wasn't meant to necessarily be part of it.
18:27Get to the height.
18:28And that gave him the height.
18:29Well done, Sanjeev.
18:30Well, thank you very much.
18:31Rhys, did you enjoy yourself?
18:32No.
18:34That's funny, because I, you know, throughout this whole series
18:37have pointed out that you're very close to committing an atrocity,
18:40because you're so angry.
18:41But I thought you'd built that beautiful ornate brick thing
18:43and it collapsed.
18:44Like a chimney, wasn't it?
18:45Yeah.
18:45And all you said was...
18:46That tells us something.
18:47That tells us something.
18:49But, no, I did enjoy it and it was nice to get me hands dirty.
18:55Why don't you give us some statistics?
18:57Yes.
18:57Well, we know that Anya failed, so I guess zero points for...
19:00Oh, God.
19:01Zero.
19:01OK.
19:02And you'll thank me for them.
19:03Oh.
19:03What have you ever done?
19:04No.
19:05You didn't cross the line.
19:10It's just interesting, isn't it, because you come into this show
19:12and you believe in justice and stuff like that,
19:16and then you realise actually it's a dictatorship.
19:18Well, I've never said it isn't a dictator.
19:21Yeah, that's fine.
19:22I'll take my one point, thank you.
19:23No, zero points.
19:24OK.
19:26Reece's and Maisie's very similar.
19:27Maisie's, yours was 82 centimetres tall.
19:29Reece, yours was 77 centimetres tall.
19:31Oh.
19:32Oh.
19:33So, despite your building work, you were second last, Reece.
19:35Last in the way.
19:38Three points for you, Maisie, 82 centimetres.
19:40But Sanjeev was 105 centimetres.
19:42Phil, yours was 1 metre 36, which means that Phil gets five points.
19:46Yay!
19:50Let's do a scoreboard, please.
19:51Yes, well, first of all, I'll tell you the series scores,
19:53with one and a half episodes to go.
19:55Sanjeev, you're in last on 117, but it's tight.
19:58Reece, 1-2-1.
19:59Maisie, 1-2-3.
20:00Phil, 1-2-8.
20:00Anya, 1-2-9.
20:01Anyone can win it.
20:03Anyone can win it.
20:04Anyone can win it.
20:05Anyone can win it.
20:07And this episode, he's got maximum points so far.
20:09In the lead with ten points, it's Phil Ellis.
20:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
20:14Yeah, very good.
20:16What's next, please, with Alex?
20:18Well, jockstrap yourself in, Greg,
20:20because we're off to the changing rooms.
20:41What's all this?
20:41This is my jockey changing room.
20:44You'd be disqualified straight away, wouldn't you?
20:45You're far too tall.
20:47Here we are.
20:49You'd make a lovely couple.
20:51Would you like him to pass it?
20:53Is it him?
20:53I'm not sure.
20:55Hmm.
20:56Make your jockey weigh almost exactly the same as Alex.
21:00If your jockey weighs more than Alex, you are disqualified.
21:04You may only get two readings from the scales.
21:07There is a bonus point for the sexiest jockey.
21:10You have ten minutes.
21:12Your time starts now.
21:14This is your jockey.
21:16Right.
21:16Those are your scales.
21:17Good luck.
21:19It's got to be sexy.
21:20Doesn't have to be sexy, but if you want the bonus point.
21:22It's got to be really sexy.
21:24There are scales.
21:25Good luck.
21:25I'm not allowed to stand with them because that counts as one,
21:27doesn't it?
21:28Because I've checked some scales and they're definitely wrong
21:29because there's no way I'm over 14 stone.
21:32OK.
21:38So, Anya's jockey is going to be super sexy
21:40and Phil's fatter than he looks.
21:43Shall we have a look at them then?
21:44Well, who are we going to see first?
21:46It's a great equestrian.
21:48It's...
21:48Oh, Jesus Christ.
21:50Anya, Phil and Rhys.
21:52What are these?
21:54Are these jockey things?
21:55Is this lead?
21:56Don't eat it.
21:56Oh, come on.
21:58Eat lead, kids.
22:00You'll have hair like mine.
22:04I'd like to start my characters with what the hair's like.
22:08Yeah.
22:09What hair?
22:09What are you doing up my mountain?
22:12Dice these first.
22:13Fatter!
22:14I've got this sausage.
22:15She's Austrian.
22:16I'm going Eastern European with this.
22:20Lovely.
22:21Pretty sexy.
22:24That's not hair, that's the eyelashes.
22:28Do you know what?
22:29Scale, please.
22:30OK.
22:32Do you mind if I feel how heavy you are?
22:33Well, you can try.
22:34Front's probably better, isn't it?
22:36I don't mind.
22:37One, two, three.
22:41Go dead weight.
22:45OK, I'm happy with that.
22:46I'm going to say you're just over 14.
22:49Four.
22:50OK.
22:51Ooh.
22:52What do you mean?
22:5314 stone.
22:54Nearly 15, in a way.
22:550.9.
22:56I think that's 0.09.
22:57Oh.
22:59Well, that's not 14 stone.
23:01Got to be a lot more on this.
23:02In you go, darling.
23:04Sexy, sexy.
23:05Sexy space lady.
23:07May I hide the display?
23:09You don't want to get the reading yet?
23:10No.
23:11I can't see through the mouth.
23:13Promise?
23:13Yeah.
23:14Yeah, that's crowded.
23:15Going on.
23:26Oh, fuck.
23:27What does it say?
23:29Two stone.
23:30Three stone.
23:31You've got three and a half minutes.
23:33That can't be three stone.
23:35Second reading.
23:36Yep.
23:37Four stone.
23:39For about a minute and a half.
23:41Well, I'm going to give up on accuracy.
23:44Now, will you?
23:45Two stone.
23:46Two stone.
23:49Two stone.
23:50Two stone.
23:51Beautiful lady with a long arm.
23:52Every man's dream.
23:54Stop, stop, stop, stop.
23:59Do you help me?
24:01Put as much weight into his shorts as possible.
24:06Oh, fuck it, now that can't be the real way.
24:09Let's get some out.
24:10Three seconds.
24:10How long?
24:13Please leave her or him alone.
24:14OK.
24:17And then she can have some of my lipstick.
24:21Well, I think you should go and wash your hands.
24:22Yep.
24:24Don't lick them.
24:24No.
24:27Look after yourself, kids.
24:28Tough out there in the big city.
24:30Good girl.
24:31Good girl.
24:41Does a man become more or less sexy when his trousers are down and his pants are full of 11
24:47stone of lead?
24:50Well, that was a miscalculation.
24:52I thought the pants would keep everything in place, but they came down.
24:55It looked like someone that would just capture themselves.
24:59Yours both were almost identical for a lot of it.
25:02We've got a type.
25:03Yeah.
25:04It's a sexy Scandinavian sausage girl.
25:07Yeah.
25:08I think it's because we thought...
25:09We must be thinking, like, what is Greg going to find sexy?
25:12Yes.
25:13And so it's with you in mind.
25:14Yeah, and it is.
25:15Yeah.
25:15It is a girl with pigtails and sausage.
25:17I know.
25:19You always form a weird relationship with the inanimate objects, mate.
25:24Yeah, I did get quite attached to the character.
25:27She was leaving the mountain that she grew up on to join NASA.
25:34When you put the silver trousers on, you said,
25:35now you are future sexy.
25:41Time for a break.
25:41I'm not sure who said this, but I think it's something that's relevant
25:45to this show.
25:46From such crooked wood as that which man is made of,
25:50nothing straight can be fashioned.
25:53Camp Tossa!
26:04Welcome back to the start of part three.
26:07It's Taskmaster and we're having some sexy time.
26:10Mmm.
26:11Yes.
26:11Yes, that's right.
26:12Things are pretty flippin' hot as they're trying to make a jockey
26:15weigh the same as me, with a bonus point for the sexiest jockey.
26:19Finally, then, it's Sanjeev and Maisie.
26:24Right.
26:24So, sexy.
26:26You want sexy.
26:27Just one point for sexy.
26:28Yep.
26:29The main thing is...
26:30The primary concern is the weight, isn't it?
26:32OK.
26:33Right.
26:33Well, first of all, that's sexy, isn't it?
26:36That's hard work, though.
26:38Feather boa, they're always sexy.
26:39I think you should go on there first.
26:41I'm going on, Sanjeev.
26:42OK.
26:43I'm on.
26:45Thirteen stone.
26:48Thirteen.
26:49OK.
26:50Alex, could you come stand on him?
26:52What do you mean?
26:53Just stop him from wibbling over.
26:54I'll stop him from wibbling.
27:05It's quite buckle heavy so far.
27:08Oh, sexy police officer.
27:15OK.
27:18Ooh.
27:21Knee pads.
27:22Sexy.
27:23Because they suggest you're going to be on your knees.
27:26So, at the moment, the hockey is...
27:29Yeah.
27:30..three stone, nine pounds.
27:34Now, I don't want to be disqualified on technicality,
27:37but what if I just stood with the mannequin?
27:41Does that...
27:42Does that count?
27:43I think I'm about 12 and a bit.
27:46I think I'll be over, then,
27:47because if I'm 12, 13, 14, then that'll be about 15,
27:50which will be too much.
27:52Let's see if I...
27:53Let's see if that is...
27:59So, you're basically taking a bit of a risk here.
28:01I am taking a bit of a risk.
28:04I think Greg's always wanted to be blonde.
28:06Don't you?
28:11Does that look like me?
28:18Are you saying you've become one with the chocolate?
28:20I have.
28:21We are one.
28:22You're one, are you?
28:23Yes.
28:24Fantastic.
28:25That is your time up.
28:26Great.
28:28I'm pretty turned on.
28:29I don't know about anyone else.
28:31APPLAUSE
28:35Well, let's talk this through, Sanjeev.
28:38How are we going to get away with me allowing this?
28:41You just got on the scales with the mannequin.
28:44I asked.
28:45I said, would this be breaking the rules?
28:47I said, you're taking a big risk, Sanjeev.
28:49Yes.
28:50Which is not a no.
28:51LAUGHTER
28:52I think if you had got on the jockey, it would count.
28:55I was on his foot.
28:56If someone gets on my foot, they're on me.
28:58LAUGHTER
28:59But if you're...
29:00LAUGHTER
29:01I admired the lateral thinking,
29:03and if you'd have somehow hoisted yourself up that jockey...
29:06It would have been ironic as well that you were riding a jockey.
29:09LAUGHTER
29:10See how they bloody like it.
29:12LAUGHTER
29:12Am I right?
29:14LAUGHTER
29:14I like it.
29:15It was very close to being allowed.
29:18It was good lateral thinking.
29:20Amazing.
29:21Well, we know how this went.
29:23There's a lot to unpack here.
29:25Just show the clip.
29:26Yeah, she definitely established it's all about the weight.
29:30The sexy thing is just a little bonus. Here we go.
29:32Here we go.
29:32Just one point for sexy.
29:34Yep.
29:34The main thing is...
29:35The primary concern is the weight, isn't it?
29:38OK.
29:38Right, well, first of all, that's sexy, isn't it?
29:42LAUGHTER
29:42LAUGHTER
29:45And from then on, it was just sex.
29:49Yep.
29:49Story of my life, that is.
29:52I thought identifying my possible vanity was a masterstroke,
29:56making him sexy by making him look like me.
30:00Unfortunately for you, I have to look at myself naked in the mirror
30:03every morning and it is fucking rough.
30:07LAUGHTER
30:08But you're not naked in this.
30:10You're in a sexy police officer outfit.
30:12Maybe that would change things.
30:14Yeah.
30:16Well, shall we look at the weights first and then you can decide on...
30:18Yeah, yeah, let's have a look.
30:19MUSIC PLAYS
30:23Two stone, £5.
30:27Five stone, £12.
30:29Seven stone, £6.
30:35Sixteen stone, £5.
30:40Let's see, so I'm not going to say this out loud.
30:42OK.
30:45Yeah, so that's the readings.
30:47Only Sanjeev came close.
30:48Reece, I'm so sorry, you went over the top.
30:50You get zero points.
30:52That's a shame.
30:52I really thought I was under.
30:54Is he still in the run-in for the sexiest?
30:55Of course he is, yeah.
30:57Ah, OK.
30:57So what are we saying about Sanjeev?
30:59Any points?
31:00Yeah, I can't not give him any points.
31:03So, he can come last.
31:06So we're saying Phil gets a full five points.
31:09Yes.
31:09Four for Anya, three for Maisie, one for Sanjeev?
31:12Yes, I think that's fair.
31:13One for Sanjeev and zero for Reece.
31:15Oh, sorry.
31:19And now it's simply who's the sexiest jockey.
31:23So here are all five for you, Greg.
31:25Take your pick.
31:25Whoa!
31:26Wow!
31:27Look at Sanjeev, sexy Maisie.
31:32Whoa!
31:33I gave you a muff.
31:34That's good.
31:37The two sausage Scandinavians cancel each other out.
31:40Right.
31:41Well, between Reece and Maisie, and they've both got sexy vibes.
31:45I mean, Reece's, without wishing to be crude,
31:48looks like he'd throw you round the room.
31:50LAUGHTER
31:53I think I'm going to give one point each.
31:55I'm going to add an extra bonus point.
31:56There's an extra sexy point.
31:57I can't deny either of them, my love.
32:00LAUGHTER
32:01Bonus points each to Reece and Maisie.
32:03There we go.
32:04APPLAUSE
32:07Very good.
32:07What have we got now, Alex?
32:09Well, it's a proud moment, Greg,
32:11as we reveal the Task-O-Matic.
32:28Hello there.
32:30Nice contraption.
32:32Ooh!
32:34So, Task-O-Matic.
32:36I like this.
32:37I like sort of little machines and things.
32:39I've got lots of them at home.
32:40Have you?
32:41Yeah.
32:41Like a whisk and stuff.
32:44Shall I open and then spin, or spin and open?
32:47You don't need to open.
32:48I don't...
32:48Really?
32:50What's it going to do?
33:02Wow, look at this.
33:03Oh!
33:05Oh, wow.
33:06This is so good.
33:08Can I have this?
33:11Oh!
33:13This is so strange.
33:26I can read it now.
33:28Make the most fantastic 15-second film.
33:32Featuring your face in full-frame.
33:34Featuring your face in full-frame.
33:36Featuring your face in full-frame.
33:36You have 15 minutes to film your fantastic 15-second full-frame face film.
33:42Those 15 minutes start now.
33:45Disappointing lack of alliteration in the last sentence, I felt, but...
33:49Anyway.
33:50Any other need for this?
33:51No.
33:57Please be very careful.
34:00Isn't it like, it's got to be a close-up of my face?
34:02Oh!
34:03And it's got to be fantastic, haven't you?
34:05I've got an idea.
34:06I think I'm going to do...
34:07I already know what I'm doing.
34:09I'll need Papamache.
34:11Will you get any?
34:12Yep.
34:12It could be a silent film.
34:14Could be a silent film.
34:15But I can't make myself black and white.
34:18Can I?
34:19Can I?
34:20But I could paint my face.
34:22Which colour?
34:22Oh, wow.
34:24Very white.
34:25Very white.
34:26Very white.
34:31I won't dwell on it too long, maybe.
34:35But I would say I'm quite a Luddite,
34:37but even I know how to make pictures on my phone black and white.
34:41I don't think you necessarily need to contemplate a hate crime.
34:48All right, let's go.
34:49So, we do begin with a man of many fantastic faces,
34:53Mr Rees Shearsmith.
35:07APPLAUSE
35:18I can see why you were such a competent Papamache man.
35:21I went back to the dawn of cinema.
35:23Voyage to the Moon, yeah.
35:24Georges Mele.
35:25What was the stuff that came out of your eye?
35:27It was icing sugar.
35:28Lovely.
35:29Yep.
35:31Can't fault it.
35:31No.
35:31It was a fantastic film.
35:33It involved his face.
35:34Next.
35:35Sanjeev.
35:35OK.
35:37Yes, it's time for Sanjeev's charismatic countenance.
35:39Get ready.
35:40MUSIC PLAYS
36:06I'm not particularly in touch on my spiritual side,
36:08but I imagine there was a strong message in there.
36:12There was, yes.
36:13And what was that message?
36:15It's be nice.
36:18LAUGHTER
36:19Oh, and the floating banana...
36:22Yes.
36:24..represented...
36:24Exactly.
36:26LAUGHTER
36:27What was the stuff that was falling down
36:30before you caught the apple in your mouth?
36:31It wasn't falling down, was it?
36:32It was orange juice falling up.
36:33It was falling up.
36:34Oh, God.
36:35So deep.
36:37LAUGHTER
36:38I mean, the second fantastic one.
36:40Someone's going to let us down.
36:41Who will it be?
36:42It's time for Maisies.
36:45Now, back to us now.
36:50A long time ago, in a taskmaster house a really long way away,
36:53a leather-jacketed lady was held under the tyrannous rule
36:55of a prick with a clipboard who lived in fear of his master.
36:58One day, enough was enough, and she locked the prick in the caravan
37:00where he spontaneously combusted.
37:02The master moved to Spain.
37:04The end.
37:06APPLAUSE
37:10I think that's quite good.
37:12I mean, honestly, I've never been so disappointed so far.
37:15I just think they're all good.
37:16Oh, good.
37:17And I've gelled my hair back and it's stuck like that for three days.
37:21LAUGHTER
37:21I mean, it just looked great.
37:23I like the story.
37:25I mean, this is an awful thing to say, but I hope one of the last two is shit.
37:29LAUGHTER
37:30OK, we must stop once more.
37:32A chance for Alex to pop to the bathroom and time his movement.
37:37LAUGHTER
37:42APPLAUSE
37:46Hello and welcome back to the final part of the show,
37:50where we're watching some fantastic 15-second films involving faces in full frame.
37:55Two to go.
37:56First up, have a look at Anya's vivacious visage.
38:04Greg, your task is to die.
38:08Your time starts now.
38:12Trigger.
38:14Good boy.
38:16Let's go.
38:18He works for me now.
38:23APPLAUSE
38:28What a narrative.
38:30I've replaced Alex for the horse.
38:32Yeah, so he was trying to kill you, he was trying to rebel,
38:35but the horse actually worked for you,
38:37and then the horse replaces him for the rest of the series,
38:40as the tusk, whatever his role is.
38:43LAUGHTER
38:45Honestly, this is, like, for me, it's awful.
38:48They're just all good.
38:49LAUGHTER
38:50Who's left?
38:51There's only one left.
38:52Really good.
38:52It is Phil Ellis left.
38:53Oh, God, I mean, Phil...
38:55Phil's bound to have fucked this up.
38:58Fingers crossed.
38:59Finally, it's Phil's fantastically flexible face.
39:02LAUGHTER
39:21LAUGHTER
39:24Interesting.
39:28APPLAUSE
39:29Phil has not done one thing on this show
39:32in nine episodes that hasn't ended with a cheesy wink.
39:36LAUGHTER
39:38You know, well done, Phil.
39:39I thought you would let us down, but it's great.
39:42But what's the narrative? I'm fascinated.
39:44Is there a narrative?
39:46Of course there is.
39:47It's, erm...
39:49It's about parenthood and...
39:53Having to let your children just...
39:55At some point, you could just go and let them go, haven't you?
39:57Out of your mouth.
39:58Yeah.
39:58I mean, I'm not a father, but...
40:01Well, in fact, thank God.
40:05Look, I hate doing this, I'll be honest with you,
40:07cos I like to victimise someone,
40:09but I could say something positive about all of them,
40:12so I'm going to give everyone five points.
40:14APPLAUSE
40:19OK, everyone, will you make your way to the stage
40:22for the final task of the show?
40:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:31My dear man...
40:33You're my guy.
40:34Who will read the task for us?
40:36Phil!
40:37Allow me.
40:40Become the person the taskmaster shouts.
40:43You will have one minute to draw yourself
40:46a new bottom of your face and body.
40:48Also, you must bob up and down throughout your attempt.
40:52Worst new person each round is eliminated.
40:56Yeah.
40:56So, you've each got a card,
40:59and you've got a little space for your nose.
41:01You need to draw the bottom of your face,
41:03and then give yourself a body beneath your face.
41:06Ready? Here we go.
41:08Henry VIII on a horse!
41:10Go!
41:10OK.
41:11We're looking for Henry VIII on...
41:13Please bob.
41:13Please bob.
41:16Keep bobbing, Sanji.
41:18Phil is on a child's trampoline.
41:22Lovely rhythm at the end, isn't there?
41:24Lovely rhythm.
41:26Pens down! Pens down, Maisie Addo.
41:30Oh, rhythm is a dancer.
41:31LAUGHTER
41:33I hereby instruct you to become Henry VIII on a horse.
41:40APPLAUSE
41:44They're all good.
41:46But which one's the worst, Greg?
41:48Well, I'm afraid...
41:50Er...
41:50LAUGHTER
41:53I'm afraid it's Phil.
41:55That man is not sitting on a horse.
41:57LAUGHTER
41:58I mean, if I'm honest,
42:00it looks like Henry VIII has shot himself.
42:03LAUGHTER
42:03We have lost Phil Ellis.
42:05Phil, you're out. I'm sorry, Phil.
42:07OK. Round one done. There are four left.
42:11Here we go.
42:12A supermodel skiing!
42:13Go!
42:15A supermodel skiing.
42:16Please, Bob.
42:17Bobbing at the end, please.
42:19Maisie, bobbing.
42:21Maisie, bobbing.
42:24Stop!
42:26OK, a supermodel.
42:29Oh!
42:30LAUGHTER
42:31Wow!
42:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:37They're pretty good.
42:39Yeah.
42:40Nice!
42:41Can I have that after?
42:45Maisie's will be censored for the children's edition of the show.
42:48Why?
42:49Because I can see her tits.
42:53First time he's ever said tits.
42:55It's between Maisie and...
42:59How sexist.
43:00Sanjeev.
43:01Racist.
43:03LAUGHTER
43:05She's got big boobs, but I'm sort of a bit worried about her legs.
43:10Her legs are attached to her breasts.
43:13LAUGHTER
43:13And that's why she gets the word.
43:18I'm really worried anatomically about Maisie's,
43:21so I will kick Maisie's big boobs.
43:23We've lost Maisie Adam.
43:24There we go.
43:25Thank you, Maisie.
43:30Elvis on an escalator.
43:31Go!
43:33Ooh!
43:34Bobbing!
43:39Quite focused bobbing now, isn't it?
43:40It is.
43:42Ironically, in this bit, we've had a little less conversation.
43:50And that's your timer!
43:51That's your timer!
43:53OK, let's see Elvis on an escalator.
43:55Here they go.
43:56We have our first landscape over here.
44:00APPLAUSE
44:01I mean, the best Elvis is Sanjeev, I would say.
44:05He's got the handsome, lopsided smile on Rees's.
44:09And...
44:09And I think I sum up what everyone's thinking.
44:13Anya has not drawn Elvis.
44:15LAUGHTER
44:16I'm young.
44:19I had to put in what I know, which is about escalators.
44:22LAUGHTER
44:23So I went for Baker Street.
44:25Sit down, Anya.
44:27APPLAUSE
44:27Anya!
44:28All righty.
44:30It's the final, it's the big one.
44:32Here we go, you ready?
44:33A mermaid making a mistake!
44:36Ooh!
44:38Bit of licence here for the bobbers.
44:41Good face from Rees.
44:45Greg, could you imagine Sanjeev drawing and not bobbing?
44:49LAUGHTER
44:51I just think Sanjeev's bob has become more graceful as it's gone on.
44:57Pen's down, please.
44:58Pen's down.
45:00APPLAUSE
45:02This is it, Greg.
45:03What mistakes will our mermaids have made?
45:05Hopefully they're legal.
45:08Let's see.
45:09Oh, my God!
45:14Sorry, my tits were too much.
45:17It's a mermaid, it's different.
45:20Your mermaid's fingering a fish.
45:24Fish fingering?
45:32It was meant to be that she's eating a fish on a fork.
45:35Oh, OK.
45:36Which would be terrible, wouldn't it, for a mermaid?
45:38Oh, that's a fork.
45:38You wouldn't eat your friends, would you?
45:40No.
45:41So it's a mistake?
45:43Sanjeev's mermaid, who appears to have a father Christmas beard.
45:49Has missed the bus?
45:50It's trying to catch a bus.
45:53What's the mistake, Sanjeev?
45:54What's that mistake?
45:55It might be the bus to the sea.
45:58What is wrong with you?
46:02What is wrong with you?
46:02Mermaid wouldn't be on land, catching a bus.
46:07The man makes a good point.
46:09Yeah.
46:10I mean, I do think probably the superior mermaid picture
46:13is the cannibal mermaid.
46:15There we go, five points to Rhys Shearsmith!
46:17Well done, Rhys.
46:19Please come down, we'll add that to the final score!
46:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:29What a lovely, creative group of people we've got.
46:32So, the winner of the task, with some fantastic art, Rhys Shearsmith.
46:36Five points really good.
46:38They all do well.
46:41It's been a very close episode until you get to the top of the table
46:44where you've got Phil on 21 points.
46:46He's won the show!
46:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:50The Manus wins!
46:51Please don't inspect your respective prizes!
47:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Comments