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Have I Got News for You - Season 4 (US) - Episode 02: January 31, 2026: Nimesh Patel, Tara Setmayer
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00:06We'll be back.
00:31Welcome! Welcome, welcome, welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:35I'm Roy Wood Jr. in the news this week.
00:38Theaters empty after someone sets off an alarm.
00:47Canada finally has had enough of America's nonsense.
00:58ICE applicant forgot to study for entrance exam.
01:02I know what real cops do. Real cops would do real cop stuff.
01:06On Amber's team tonight, you've seen her on CNN, ABC, MS Now,
01:10and she's the co-founder of the Seneca Project,
01:13a bipartisan super PAC focused on female voters.
01:16Assuming that voting is still a thing by the time we're done taping.
01:20It's Tara Setmayer.
01:25And joining Michael, you've seen him on The Tonight Show,
01:28Late Night with Seth Meyers and Netflix.
01:31His new stand-up tour, with all due disrespect,
01:34is currently crossing the country.
01:35He'll be selling shirts and stickers in the lobby.
01:38It's Nimesh Patel.
01:41Thank you. Thank you.
01:43Now for the biggest stories of the week.
01:45Everyone watch the clip.
01:47Tell me, what's the story?
01:50Okay, the story is protest.
01:52We want ICE out now.
01:54But ICE says, we want in.
01:56And then justice for Alex Preddy.
01:57This seems to me that this story is about ICE being absolutely out of control.
02:06The story is Minnesota.
02:08The state is in mourning.
02:09But while Republicans are divided, the residents of Minnesota are united.
02:12And yet, as the Minnesotans brave the cold to protect their neighbors,
02:17somehow their attitudes remain impeccable.
02:20How long will you stay out here?
02:22So my balls get cold.
02:25Well, unlike Republicans, at least he has balls.
02:28Oh!
02:32Now, if I may...
02:34Also Democrats.
02:36While Minnesotans are also showing us what they're made of,
02:40unfortunately, so is everyone else.
02:42After the unprovoked Border Patrol shooting of an ICU nurse, Alex Peretti, last weekend,
02:47MAGA supporters have been tying themselves into knots on how they could blame him.
02:54How have ICE apologists tried to turn the victim into the villain?
03:00Eleven days earlier, he had kicked a car, and that's good enough for them.
03:06They called him a domestic terrorist off the top, so I guess...
03:10Very offensive to terrorists, by the way.
03:11Right?
03:12Right? Exactly.
03:15Um...
03:16Like...
03:17MAGA supporters have come up with countless stories to try and make Alex Peretti a villain.
03:22As many of you know, Alex was holding a phone in his hand when he was shot,
03:27and he was already complying and on the ground.
03:29And according to Newsmax's Greg Kelly, that was the problem.
03:34I want to show you something.
03:39Does that look like a gun?
03:40I think it does a little bit.
03:42It's a phone.
03:43It's black, like most phones.
03:46That's crazy stuff.
03:48Whoa.
03:49Whoa.
03:50I am so embarrassed for that man.
03:53That's somebody's husband.
03:55It's probably someone's dad.
03:59It's him, and it's like seven people in a room, and they're like, how can we best dick ride for
04:06this president?
04:07Amber, I am warning you.
04:10I'm sorry.
04:11I'm sorry.
04:13Well...
04:14Now, Kelly didn't stop there.
04:15He continued the victim blaming and took it even further on Tuesday.
04:19He tweeted, quote,
04:20Just because you're a nurse doesn't mean you're automatically a great person.
04:24On the left is Nurse Ratched from the Cuckoo Clock movie.
04:29Very nasty.
04:30As of now, we don't know the personality of Alex.
04:34What's so funny about that statement is we do know what his personality is because we had person after person
04:40after person testify to what a great human being he was.
04:45And we saw the video of him eulogizing one of his patients.
04:51We know exactly who he was, and he wasn't a shameful, sycophantic fuck like Greg Kelly.
04:58How do you think Donald Trump responded to all of the news coming out of Minneapolis?
05:03He tore down the West Wing of the White House?
05:07Trump did what he did with everything else that's happened over the years.
05:10He made it about himself.
05:12Bottom line, it was terrible.
05:13Both of them were terrible.
05:14The other was terrible, too.
05:16And I'm not sure about his parents, but I know her parents were big Trump fans.
05:20Makes me feel bad anyway.
05:22But, I mean, I guess you could say even worse.
05:25They were tremendous Trump people, Trump fans.
05:28If you told him a rabbit ferret had two Trump-voting parents, he would still defend the ferret.
05:36That's a good ferret.
05:37His parents were Trump fans.
05:40Also, it's important to point out that Alex Peretti and Rene Goode are just two out of,
05:44at least eight people who have been either killed by federal agents or died in ICE custody so far this
05:51year, just in 2026.
05:53So, panel, what kind of accountability needs to be happening?
05:56Jail time!
05:59ICE needs to be disbanded.
06:01The DHS needs to have their funding drastically cut.
06:04Prosecutions have to happen for the ICE agents and DHS agents who are out of control in Minneapolis, St. Paul,
06:10and around the rest of the country.
06:11What will happen is nothing.
06:15Okay.
06:16You mad at me?
06:18We need to know the names.
06:19Not just Jonathan Ross, but the other guy that pulled the trigger on Alex Peretti so that we can ensure
06:24that they never, ever get laid ever again.
06:27Because we know that that's not.
06:28They're never fucking ever again, right?
06:30There absolutely needs to be accountability legally through our legal system.
06:34as long as we still have one for these people.
06:37You can't just get away with taking people's lives because you're angry.
06:41The American people need to realize that no one is safe.
06:44And if you want things to change, stay in the streets.
06:47Silence is not an option.
06:49And vote, vote, vote these bastards out of office so there can be real accountability.
06:56Well, from the accountability department, we have a little bit of good news, if you can call it that.
07:02After days of backlash, government is finally doing the bare minimum.
07:06The agents who fired the shots have been placed on administrative leave.
07:11Isn't that how it always feels when you hear administrative leave?
07:14It's like, aw.
07:15They got a check for killing somebody.
07:17And still ain't got to go to work.
07:19Right.
07:19I keep hoping this show will put me on administrative leave.
07:24Just get to go home.
07:25You have to work one day a week, Michael.
07:30We also have a podcast.
07:32Have I got news for you?
07:35New episodes every Wednesday.
07:37Two Republicans have called for administration members to step down.
07:41Senator Lisa Murkowski called for Secretary of Homeland Security Christy Noem's resignation.
07:46And Senator Tom Tillis went off on both Noem and Stephen Miller.
07:51If Noem looks at her body of work, I could not be.
07:54If I were in her position, I can't think of any point in pride over the last year.
07:58Amateur-ish, assistant manager sort of thought process is going into somebody who's a secretary
08:03in a cabinet-level position.
08:05Stephen Miller never fails to live up to my expectations of incompetence.
08:10I can tell you, if I were president, neither one of them would be in Washington right now.
08:16Would Tom Tillis like to be a guest on Have I Got News For You?
08:20Well, then you can ask him why he voted for her.
08:23Oh, no, that's right.
08:24How dare you show up on TV and be like, she's a bitch.
08:27I hate her.
08:28She's so dumb.
08:30Bitch, that's on you.
08:31You voted for her.
08:33Tom, you won't be on Amber's team.
08:37Question to the panel.
08:38How did the president respond to Tom Tillis and Lisa Murkowski's gentle suggestion?
08:44Called him a great representative for the American people?
08:47I'm going to guess low IQ person?
08:49No, they're not black.
08:50That's right.
08:53In response to the two Republicans who dared to speak out to some of the mismanagement,
08:59Donald Trump said, and I quote, well, they're both losers.
09:03And then, just a short time later, a reporter tattletaled right back to Tillis what Trump
09:09said.
09:09The president called you a loser, I believe.
09:11I am thrilled about that.
09:12That makes me qualified to be Homeland Security Secretary and Senior Advisor to the president.
09:19Make me qualified.
09:24That was beautiful.
09:26You know what?
09:27I take back everything I said.
09:29He's my best friend, and he always has been.
09:33Now, as approval ratings plummet and Americans' distrust of the government grows, there's
09:37one question on everybody's mind.
09:39Who's to blame for all of this?
09:41Immigrants.
09:42If immigrants weren't so successful, these white people joining ICE wouldn't be so upset,
09:47terrorizing Minneapolis.
09:49So, immigrants, we got to stop being so good at being American.
09:57There's no solution.
09:59There's no solution.
10:00There's no solution.
10:00There's plenty of blame to go around.
10:01Democrats are blaming Kristi Noem, and Kristi Noem is blaming Stephen Miller.
10:06And wait, if you find all of that confusing, don't worry.
10:09John Berman here, CNN, got you covered.
10:12I put together a little flow chart based on your reporting here of who is being blamed
10:17and how inside the White House and inside the administration.
10:20Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem is blaming Stephen Miller.
10:23Stephen Miller appears to be blaming Customs and Border Protection.
10:26Do I have that correct?
10:30I mean, generally.
10:35One thing couldn't be clearer, though.
10:37Members of the administration are turning on one another, but so far, only one of them
10:41actually seems to be experiencing any consequences.
10:46Any idea who that is?
10:47I know that they took Greg Bovino and they packed him in a little box and sent him home.
10:52Is that what you're talking about?
10:53Points.
10:53That is the person who's paying the price.
10:55It is Greg Bovino, seen here right before Raiden and Frank's house.
11:02You think he gets to keep the coat?
11:05You got to keep that coat, baby.
11:07That's drip right there, baby.
11:09That's that 1940s military drip.
11:13Well, 1940s German military drip.
11:17Bovino has been the face of ICE operations in Minneapolis.
11:20He's even been recognized around town by some of his fans.
11:25Hey, fam.
11:25I was in Minneapolis and look, we just stumbled upon Greg Bovino at a fucking speedway for
11:30a pre-Hague photo shoot.
11:32So good for him, I guess.
11:35For those following along at home, I have nothing against short men, but I do just have
11:38to report back.
11:39There is about a four inch height difference.
11:42Do you want to get closer so they can see?
11:43Greg, you're standing right there in front of me.
11:45But to everyone following along at home, I hope you fucking eat shit.
11:49I hope this keeps you up at night for the rest of your life.
11:52And no one fucking wants you here.
11:59I'm just imagining like an in-memoriam thing after that.
12:04Minnesota people, she had on a jean jacket.
12:08It was five degrees.
12:10And she was going into Speedway to get an ICE on top of it.
12:15But Bovino served a purpose.
12:17The administration needed a scapegoat.
12:19So they picked the guy who looked like one.
12:23This week, Bovino was removed from his role as Border Patrol commander at large and will
12:29reportedly be returning to California to spend more time with his swastika.
12:33I'm sorry, his family.
12:36But getting Bovino out of there is just the beginning.
12:39Question on, who is replacing Greg Bovino?
12:43No, no.
12:45Yes.
12:45Who is it?
12:46No, I hate it here.
12:48The human cover bag, Tom Homan.
12:50No.
12:51Points.
12:52Yep.
12:53It is Trump's border czar, Tom Homan, seen here, getting to Minneapolis just as fast as
13:00he can.
13:00Faster, Muggsy.
13:02Oh, good boss.
13:06As soon as Homan got to Minneapolis, I had a little press conference and made it perfectly
13:11clear who the real victims are in the midst of all that's going on.
13:16The real victims, according to Tom Homan, the ICE agents.
13:20Day after day, can't eat in restaurants.
13:22Day after day, having people spit on you and blow whistles at you.
13:25Day after day, having all these threats at you.
13:28Day after day, having people trying to interfere with you.
13:31Day after day, you know, they're human.
13:33Yeah, you know, day after day, invading people's homes.
13:36Day after day, raiding daycares.
13:38Day after day, deporting five-year-olds.
13:40Day after day, and I can't eat at a restaurant.
13:43Sorry.
13:43Get it fucking to go.
13:48If I was an ICE agent, I would be afraid to eat in any place.
13:51I would have to bring all my food from wherever I want, because there's no way they're not
13:56spitting in the food.
13:57That's all spit.
13:58They're just eating.
13:59It's all spit.
14:00It's so much spit.
14:01Saliva is the gentlest thing they're putting in the food.
14:05Mr. ICE agent, I shit in your pie.
14:12I don't even know.
14:13Oh, that's the help, baby.
14:16But there was one small piece of news buried in Holman's speech.
14:19He said that his, quote, main focus is drawdown, which sounds like great news.
14:25The question, what's the problem with Tom Holman's idea of a drawdown?
14:29I think that Tom Holman needs to worry about drawing down the marbles out of his mouth,
14:33because did you understand a word that this mush mouth said?
14:35You had to put up, you actually had to put up subtitles.
14:40What is that?
14:43I'm just saying.
14:45Holman says there's going to be a drawdown, and they catch up with Trump at the Thursday
14:49night premiere of Melania's documentary, and Trump had this to say about a drawdown.
14:55Will you be pulling back immigration enforcement agents out of Minnesota?
14:59We want to keep our country safe.
15:00We'll do whatever we can to keep our country safe.
15:02So you're not pulling back?
15:04No, no, not at all.
15:06So, believe it or not, Melania's documentary wasn't the only news going on that night,
15:11because by Friday morning, reporters had to break news about their own former colleague.
15:17Former CNN anchor and a former colleague of mine and friend, Don Lemon,
15:21has been taken into custody by federal agents.
15:24So now, here's the basics.
15:26Don Lemon covered a protest at a church in Minneapolis,
15:29and afterwards, the feds tried to charge him with a crime,
15:33saying he was an aggressor, but it didn't go great.
15:36Five different judges reviewed the evidence against Don Lemon.
15:41A magistrate judge who said no, a district court judge who happens to be the chief judge
15:45of that district who said no, and three appellate judges in the Eighth Circuit said no.
15:50And in a post on Friday, Attorney General Pam Bondi said that the arrests were made at her
15:55direction.
15:56You know how it is.
15:57Mike, when you ask your mama if you can arrest Don Lemon, she'd say no.
16:01Then you ask your daddy, can I arrest Don Lemon?
16:03He'd say no.
16:04Then you ask your grandmama.
16:06Then you just ask Pamela Jo, she'd be like, yeah, can I arrest Don Lemon for you?
16:10Absolutely.
16:11How did government officials react to the news of the arrest?
16:15They said America's finally safe.
16:19Wasn't he literally covering the Grammy Awards when he got arrested?
16:22Yeah, yeah, covering the Grammys.
16:24Yeah.
16:25He's a bad bunny.
16:31Here's the deputy...
16:34Points.
16:35Now, as for what crime Don Lemon has been supposedly charged with, that's all still a little bit
16:44hazy, but it's been reported that one charge involves something called the FACE Act.
16:49Does anybody know what the FACE Act is?
16:51Yeah, Don Lemon's FACE card does not decline.
16:56He is adorable.
16:57I'm sorry, smooth skin.
16:58You got arrested for being a bad bitch?
17:02Do you know what that is?
17:04It's when Donald Trump doesn't like your black face.
17:08Besides that.
17:09Yeah, that's really it.
17:10The FACE Act is a federal statute prohibiting use of force to anyone trying to access reproductive
17:16services, but it also contains provisions covering houses of worship.
17:22And they are accusing Don Lemon of blocking people from going into a church.
17:25Yeah, but if you're a journalist, you're covering people going into a church.
17:28And your clinic is located inside the church.
17:33Do you get charged twice?
17:35No.
17:37My dog, Don Lemon, was released without bail, so you can save your free Don Lemon T-shirts.
17:44Um, and I think that for everything that's going on in Minneapolis, I don't think there's
17:49anybody who can submit it better than the Minneapolis resident we saw at the top, the man with the
17:54frigid balls.
17:55Wake up.
17:56Please watch what's happening here.
17:58Uh, I feel like we're performing CPR on what may already be a corpse called the Constitution.
18:03That's the same guy who said, I'll be out here till my balls get cold?
18:06Yep.
18:07Layers, man.
18:08The man's got layers.
18:09And may his balls be warm forever.
18:26Welcome back.
18:28It's time for the Offender Meter.
18:30Teams have to tell us who's the offender.
18:32What they did and who they offended.
18:35Let's see your offender, please.
18:39Oh, that's, that's Tulsi Gabbard.
18:41Mm-hmm.
18:41Also known as Evil Moana.
18:46Who did Tulsi Gabbard offend?
18:48The entire Indian American community.
18:50For what exactly?
18:52Just her whole essence.
18:55Tulsi Gabbard offended Fulton County Commissioner Moe Ivory.
18:59Seen here with her hand on the buzzer, ready to play the feud.
19:04How did Gabbard offend Ivory?
19:07She, she showed up at this FBI raid and, and nobody quite understood why she was there.
19:14Uh, Gabbard offended Ivory by breaking into her office and stealing a bunch of stuff, but, uh, at least she
19:20didn't look shady as hell.
19:29The FBI says it's executing a search warrant at a Fulton County elections office near Atlanta.
19:34The search is connected to the Justice Department's effort
19:37to seize election records and search for voter fraud
19:40in the 2020 presidential election.
19:42What exactly were they looking for?
19:44Our ballots. Votes. From 2020.
19:48What happened to that sheet of paper?
19:49Did they shred it up? Does it go on a...
19:51Well, it goes to this woman's office.
19:53Right. And she stores it for years.
19:57According to Fulton County,
19:58the warrant was for records related to the 2020 election,
20:02and one law enforcement official told Reuters
20:04that agents were seizing computers and ballots
20:07that could have been a part of election interference,
20:10but Commissioner Ivory says that they're really after something else.
20:15Here's what she said during the raid.
20:17This is an attempt to take your vote away.
20:19This is all about November 2026,
20:22about the primary on May 19th and then the November election.
20:25He does not want the midterm elections to take away his power,
20:28so he's trying to create chaos.
20:30So this is what he does.
20:31There's chaos in Minnesota, chaos in Fulton County.
20:34We are a target.
20:35Protect your vote at all costs.
20:36You can't dress like Michael Jackson on tour
20:40and have me take you seriously.
20:42I'm sorry.
20:44We are a part of a rhythm nation.
20:48Fulton County Commission Chair Rob Pitts
20:51seen here telling you to go outside and pick a switch.
20:59I'm down here raiding my office.
21:01Go out there and get a switch, Mr. FBI.
21:06Commissioner Pitts said that he was, quote,
21:08not surprised by the raid, adding, quote,
21:11we've known all along that Fulton County has been a target
21:14for obvious reasons.
21:16So, question on, why have we already known that this raid was coming?
21:22It's a black county.
21:23It's a Democratic county.
21:25They had black folks telling white folks
21:27that they were breaking the law and they didn't like that.
21:31So this one's going to go fine,
21:33but then they're going to pull this shit in a white county
21:36and then watch out.
21:37In an interview with the New York Times this month,
21:40a reporter said to Trump, quote,
21:42you once threatened during the 2020 election
21:44to use the National Guard to seize election boxes.
21:47You may remember that you didn't, in the end, do it.
21:50To which Trump replied, well, I should have.
21:54Why would you remind him?
21:57You said you was going to do some voter suppression,
21:59but you ain't do it.
22:00You going to do the voter suppression this time?
22:02Oh, I forgot all about that.
22:03Let me go do some voter suppression.
22:05Does anyone know why Tulsi Gabbard
22:08was put in charge of this particular issue?
22:11She ain't got shit else to do.
22:15The answer is she's Trump's new revenge bestie.
22:18According to Reuters, quote,
22:20Gabbard last year formed a group of dozens of officials
22:23from across the federal government,
22:24including the Justice Department,
22:26that was helping to steer Trump's drive for retribution
22:29against his perceived enemies.
22:32She's like the lead mean girl.
22:34Mm-hmm. Yeah.
22:35I got it.
22:36Trump was asked what was Tulsi doing in Georgia,
22:39and he had this to say.
22:40She's working very hard on trying to keep the election safe,
22:43and she's done a very good job.
22:45And they, as you know, they got into the votes.
22:48You got to sign a judge's order in Georgia,
22:51and you're going to see some interesting things happening.
22:54They've been trying to get there for a long time.
22:56She's supposed to be the director of national intelligence.
22:59She doesn't have anything to do with elections or ballots.
23:03I mean, she shouldn't be there.
23:05Let me throw out a hypothetical.
23:06We just kidnapped Maduro from Venezuela.
23:10Mm-hmm.
23:10There are conspiracy theories about Venezuelan interference
23:14in the 2020 elections.
23:15Yeah.
23:16What are the odds that Trump gets Maduro to confess
23:20to interfering with the 2020 election
23:23in exchange for clemency and a few million dollars?
23:27Right?
23:28I heard that on TikTok.
23:31Donald Trump wants to disenfranchise anyone
23:33that doesn't vote for him.
23:34We can't let them do that.
23:38And if all else fails,
23:39and the Republicans who lose don't want to give up their seats,
23:42then we will send in this man to make them give it up.
23:48I heard you don't want to give up your seat.
23:52Go outside and pick a switch.
23:57Let's see your offender.
24:00This is whoever Madame Tussauds practiced on
24:04before she figured out how to make a good wax dummy.
24:07Larry Ellison.
24:09Yes, that's TikTok's new owner, Larry Ellison,
24:12seen in that picture,
24:13asking his doctor if Cialis is right for him.
24:17Now, as TikTok's new owner, who did Larry offend?
24:21All of us, by changing our frickin' algorithms,
24:24messing up my shit.
24:26I had my shit perfect.
24:27Fat baby after fat baby after fat baby.
24:32And now it's like a bunch of, like,
24:3328-year-old white guys being like,
24:35my wife, what?
24:38Correct, Amber.
24:40Larry offended a whole bunch of TikTok users
24:43because they, uh, decided to change up
24:46the algorithm a little bit.
24:48And people are saying that they're being censored
24:50and that the app is changing what they see
24:52in their search pages and their FYPs.
24:55Uh, does anyone know what content
24:56TikTok is being accused of censoring?
25:00Anything good.
25:00Other than cute babies.
25:02Anything about ICE?
25:04Trump.
25:05Right.
25:06Any criticism of the Mad King?
25:08When this gets clipped out,
25:09it's going to do, like, six views on TikTok.
25:14Here's Connecticut Senator Chris Murphy
25:16breaking it all down.
25:18So, two really interesting things
25:20happened this weekend.
25:21First, a group of Trump-aligned billionaires
25:25took over control of TikTok in the United States.
25:30Second, it appears that there was
25:34a widespread suppression on TikTok this weekend
25:37of information coming out of Minneapolis
25:40and criticism of Donald Trump.
25:42Those two things may be coincidental,
25:45but they might not be coincidental.
25:48Hmm.
25:49Coincidental or maybe not be.
25:52Which is really the only two things
25:55anything can be.
25:57It's so funny to have a bunch of Americans
26:00be like, bring back China.
26:02I need China.
26:04China was so much better.
26:06TikTok denies that they are censoring anything
26:09and that recent issues with the app
26:11are simply because of power outages.
26:16Who know when the power go out?
26:18Your TikTok mute all of your videos about injustice.
26:23What other Ellison embarrassment
26:25came to light this month?
26:27Uh, he bought CBS News
26:30and in about a month drove it into the ground?
26:35No, no, no, no.
26:36Something worse than ruining journalism.
26:38He owns like all of Lanai,
26:40one of the islands in Hawaii?
26:41You're close to that.
26:42It's about a boat.
26:43So, a New York magazine profile
26:46revealed that Larry Ellison
26:47once bought a 190-foot yacht
26:49named for the Shinto deity
26:53Izanami.
26:53Oh, yes.
26:54Izanami.
26:55As one does.
26:56And he immediately sold it
26:57after somebody pointed out that
27:00Izanami backwards spells
27:01I'm a Nazi.
27:06I can't imagine, like,
27:07being that buyer on the other side.
27:09Like, so why are you selling this, Larry?
27:10Listen, man.
27:13That was offended meter.
27:14Oh, my God.
27:26Welcome back.
27:27It's time for Light Curious.
27:30I give you three biographical details
27:33about a public figure,
27:34but only one is true.
27:35You have to guess which is the truth
27:37and which are gnarly, nasty, filthy, funky lies.
27:40Three facts about the editor-in-chief
27:42of CBS News, Barry Weiss,
27:45seen here watching
27:46the ghost of Walter Cronkite cry.
27:49Our facts are
27:50she got married in a strip mall.
27:52She went to space camp three times.
27:55She was in a coma for six weeks in 2002.
28:00Team Michael, which one is the truth?
28:01Space camp three times
28:03seems very plausible to me.
28:04I feel like she got married in a strip mall.
28:07Really?
28:07Only, that seems like some billionaire whisperer
28:09or ho, like, shit.
28:10What if we did it the poor way?
28:14All right, strip mall.
28:15Team Amber.
28:16Being in a coma for six weeks
28:17would explain also, like,
28:19what happened to her brain.
28:20Yeah.
28:21She's deciding to take down
28:22something as venerable as CBS
28:24and doing what she's doing now
28:26because she needs the attention.
28:27Roy?
28:28We think this girl was in a coma
28:30for six weeks in 2002.
28:33Barry Weiss got married at a strip mall.
28:37I knew it!
28:39According to Weiss,
28:40her future wife, Nellie,
28:41only asked her out
28:42to set her politics straight.
28:44But a few years later,
28:46they got married
28:47in an Encino strip mall
28:49to set her politics straight.
28:52It's been a rocky few months
28:54since David Ellison
28:55appointed the anti-vote crusader
28:56to head of CBS News
28:57back in October.
28:59There have been mass layoffs.
29:00There's been low morale,
29:01editorial interference,
29:03and Tony DeCopal
29:03taking over evening news.
29:05But things were so promising
29:07back when Barry Weiss started.
29:09What five-word phrase
29:10did she end her first
29:12CBS editorial meeting with?
29:15You'll all be fired soon.
29:18Let's go to Panda Express.
29:24At the end of her first
29:26editorial meeting,
29:27Barry amped up the crowd
29:28by saying, quote,
29:29let's do the fucking news.
29:33How rad would it be
29:34if Tony DeCopal
29:36started each broadcast
29:37by saying,
29:38good evening,
29:39I'm Tony DeCopal,
29:40let's do the fucking news.
29:41Like, how rad would that be?
29:42I would watch that.
29:42That would be good.
29:44Now, she is a woman
29:45with multiple investments,
29:46so if CBS News
29:47and that gig doesn't work out,
29:48she can fall back
29:49on her other jobs.
29:50In 2021,
29:52she co-founded
29:53the University of Austin.
29:55Does anyone know
29:56what pursuit
29:57the University of Austin
29:59is dedicated to?
30:00Podcasting.
30:02What do they specialize in?
30:04Planos.
30:05The college is dedicated
30:07to free speech.
30:10One ex-board member
30:11described it as,
30:12unwoke you
30:13led by a faculty
30:14of the canceled.
30:17Like Michael Richards
30:18teaching black history.
30:23Now, in case you're concerned
30:24on whether or not
30:25the University of Austin
30:26is or is not
30:26a real college,
30:27here's a tour
30:29of their converted
30:30office space,
30:31I mean, campus.
30:33Hi, welcome
30:34to the University of Austin.
30:35My name is Meg.
30:36This is our UATX library.
30:38It's one of my favorite
30:39places on campus.
30:43Question to the panel.
30:47What was off
30:48about that library?
30:51It didn't have any books.
30:54Can we see that library
30:55one more time, please?
30:58Now, obviously,
30:59the library just hadn't
31:01got their books yet
31:02because all the books
31:03they ordered
31:03had been banned.
31:06And in case the students
31:07forget who they owe
31:09their education to,
31:10there's also a statue
31:10of the university founder,
31:12which brings us
31:13to the question,
31:14which one of these
31:15buss
31:16is Barry Weiss.
31:18First, second, or third?
31:19This is excellent.
31:20Okay, the middle
31:21is Kathy Bates.
31:23From Misery?
31:23You want me to say
31:23that's Joan of Arc?
31:25Joan of Arc,
31:26Kathy Bates from Misery,
31:27Barry Weiss.
31:28It's the third one,
31:29for sure.
31:30Uh, yes.
31:31Bus number three
31:32is Barry Weiss.
31:33Number one is a bronze
31:34sculpture of Joan of Arc.
31:35Number two is a resin
31:36sculpture of Kathy Bates'
31:38character in Misery.
31:39Coincidentally, Misery,
31:40that's the vibe
31:41at CBS News right now.
31:44While we're here,
31:44I think we should play
31:45a quick game of
31:46which is higher.
31:47Ooh.
31:47Which is higher?
31:48The cost of the resin
31:50Kathy Bates' head
31:50on Etsy
31:51or the cost of tuition
31:53for one year
31:53at Barry Weiss'
31:55University of Austin?
31:56Well, it should be the head.
31:58It's beautiful.
31:59Okay, so now it gets
32:00into a question
32:01of supply and demand, right?
32:02So there's only one
32:04Kathy Bates' head
32:05from Misery.
32:07There's infinite number
32:08of seats
32:09at the University of Austin.
32:11I want to say
32:12Kathy Bates
32:13is more.
32:14It's definitely
32:15the University of Austin
32:16because it's always a grift.
32:19The cost of Kathy Bates' head
32:20is $240.
32:22The cost of tuition
32:23for one year
32:24at the University of Austin
32:25is $0
32:26thanks to a $100 million
32:29donation
32:30from conservative
32:32billionaire Jeff Yass.
32:33You mean bribe?
32:35Donation.
32:37Bribe?
32:38The person
32:40who made that bust
32:41give me the camera.
32:43That shit costs
32:44more than $240.
32:46Shame on you.
32:47Up that price
32:49right now.
32:50Who ever
32:50made that mask
32:52of Kathy Bates?
32:54Amber has promised
32:55you $1,000.
32:58This has been
32:59Lycurious.
33:00More after the break.
33:12Welcome back.
33:14It's time for
33:15Missing Words.
33:17Here's your headline.
33:19TSA's most unusual
33:20fines of 2025
33:21include
33:22blank.
33:23That guy's
33:24cold balls.
33:27TSA's most
33:28unusual fines
33:29of 2025
33:30include
33:31turtles in a bra.
33:33Oh.
33:34Yes.
33:36Yeah.
33:37Cool.
33:38The turtle incident
33:38occurred last July
33:40when TSA officials
33:41in Miami
33:41caught a woman
33:42trying to sneak
33:42two turtles
33:43past security
33:45in her bra
33:45and sadly
33:46one of the turtles
33:48that was stuffed
33:48in the woman's bra
33:49did not survive
33:51the ordeal.
33:53What a way to go.
33:56If I'm gonna die
33:57that's how I want
33:58to go.
33:58Last week
33:59TSA revealed
34:00a video
34:00counting down
34:01their weirdest
34:02finds of 2025.
34:04Here's TSA's
34:05YouTube channel.
34:06This really happened.
34:07Shotgun in a golf bag.
34:09Bullets inside
34:10strawberry Nesquik.
34:12Knife hidden
34:13in a car seat.
34:14A replica pipe
34:15bomb and C4 blocks.
34:18I'm glad to see
34:19that my ways
34:20of smuggling things
34:20were not on that list.
34:23I'm still good.
34:27Here's your headline.
34:29Shoplifter steals
34:30blank by stuffing
34:32it down his pants.
34:34Turtle.
34:36Shoplifter steals
34:37$100 cowboy steak
34:40by stuffing it
34:41down his pants.
34:43Was it a tomahawk?
34:44It better be
34:45for $100.
34:46Better be bone in.
34:48Here's South Florida
34:49local news.
34:49It was bone in
34:49all right.
34:55Here's South Florida
34:56local news
34:57with the story.
34:58This guy goes up
34:59to the high-end
35:00steak aisle.
35:01Okay, there's more.
35:02There's also
35:02a massive brisket.
35:04I guess he was
35:04wearing loose jeans.
35:06Big, big pants.
35:07He came over here,
35:08looked around
35:08to see if anybody
35:09was looking,
35:10and he shoved it
35:11in his pants.
35:12That barbecue
35:13is going to be
35:13real strange.
35:16What is this
35:17seasoning?
35:20Here's your headline.
35:22Gen Z turning
35:22to AI for blank.
35:25Well, we already
35:25know that they're
35:26using it as their
35:27little girlfriends
35:28and their little
35:29therapists, so this
35:31one has to be
35:31weirder than that.
35:33Healthcare?
35:34That shit is gone
35:35otherwise?
35:37Gen Z turning
35:38to AI for STD
35:40help.
35:41Oh, my God.
35:43Who else are
35:43going to tell
35:43that your dick
35:44hurts?
35:48A new survey
35:49says that 20%
35:50of Gen Z
35:51uses AI chatbots
35:53for STI
35:54and STD
35:54questions.
35:55So, yes,
35:56you got a
35:56chat GPT
35:57and you got
35:58chat HPV.
36:01It's probably
36:01not a good idea
36:02because,
36:03number one,
36:04you don't have
36:04the same privacy
36:05protections that
36:06you'd have under
36:07HIPAA,
36:08and also,
36:09chatbots
36:09misdiagnosed
36:1031% of cases.
36:12it's a chatbot.
36:14It's not a doctor.
36:16At best,
36:17it went to
36:18the University
36:18of Austin.
36:22That's missing
36:23words.
36:23More after the break.
36:34Welcome back.
36:35It's time for
36:35Witch's Hire.
36:36I'll give you
36:36two unrelated numbers
36:38from the news.
36:38You tell me,
36:39Witch's Hire.
36:40This week marks
36:41the theatrical release
36:42of the documentary
36:44film Melania.
36:45The movie follows
36:46the president's
36:46third wife
36:47in the lead-up
36:48to her husband's
36:48second inauguration
36:50last January.
36:51Here's a clip
36:51from the trailer.
36:53Everyone wants
36:53to know.
36:55So here it is.
37:01Hi, Mr. President.
37:03Congratulations.
37:04Did you watch it?
37:05I did not.
37:06Yeah, I will see it
37:07on the news.
37:12Did you watch me
37:13get my inauguration?
37:14I did not.
37:17That brings us
37:17to the question,
37:18which is higher?
37:19The number of seats
37:20sold for Friday's
37:213.40 p.m.
37:22showing of Melania
37:23at AMC's
37:2534th Street Theater
37:26here in New York City?
37:27Or the world record
37:29for the number of people
37:30who can fit
37:31in a smart car?
37:33Which is higher?
37:35Which is higher.
37:38More people can fit
37:39in a smart car
37:39than went to the
37:413.30 showing of Melania.
37:42No question.
37:43No notice.
37:43I think that
37:45eight people
37:46went to see Melania.
37:47And I think
37:48seven people
37:50can fit
37:51in that
37:52tiny little car.
37:53The number of seats
37:54sold for Friday's
37:553.40 p.m.
37:56showing of Melania
37:57at AMC's
37:5834th Street Theater
37:59is 15.
38:00Oh.
38:00And the number
38:01of people who can fit
38:02in a smart car
38:03is 20.
38:07And that smart car
38:09number is
38:09100% accurate.
38:11Watch them
38:12set the world record.
38:14Oh, no.
38:23Y'all laughing.
38:25That's what them
38:26Uber pools
38:26gonna be like
38:27pretty soon.
38:28The gas
38:29keep going up.
38:30Does anyone know
38:31how Melania
38:32might actually
38:33help the
38:34economy?
38:34I mean,
38:35it's possible
38:37people will
38:38self-deport
38:39after watching.
38:41That could
38:42bring down
38:42housing prices.
38:44It'll help
38:45the economy
38:45because
38:46you can get
38:47paid to
38:48see
38:48the Melania
38:49documentary.
38:50What?
38:51What?
38:52According to
38:52this Craigslist
38:53ad in Boston,
38:54you can earn
38:55$50 plus
38:56the price of
38:57admission
38:57if you buy
38:58a ticket for
38:59any showing
39:00in the Boston
39:00area this
39:01weekend.
39:02Now,
39:03people online,
39:03they can say
39:04anything about
39:05the film,
39:06but we know
39:06the critics
39:06saw the film.
39:08What are the
39:08critics saying
39:10about the
39:10Melania documentary?
39:11They got paid
39:12$50.
39:12bucks.
39:14The Independent
39:15kicks off their
39:16review with the
39:17headline,
39:17quote,
39:18First Lady is a
39:19preening,
39:20scowling void of
39:21pure nothingness in
39:22this ghastly bit of
39:24propaganda.
39:29and Variety says,
39:34quote,
39:34Melania is a
39:35documentary that
39:36never comes to
39:36life,
39:37an orchestrated
39:37and airbrushed
39:38portrait that
39:39barely rises to
39:40the level of a
39:41shameless infomercial.
39:44But what about
39:45all the Melania
39:45fans?
39:47Thankfully,
39:47all the Melania
39:48annex out there
39:49can stop by
39:50Regal Cinemas
39:51for their very
39:52own Melania
39:53popcorn bucket.
39:55Popcorn bucket
39:56is $13.
39:57That means you'll
39:58still have $37
39:59left to do
40:00whatever you want
40:01with.
40:02That was
40:03Witch's Hire.
40:04We'll be right
40:05back.
40:13Time for
40:14Who's That Baby?
40:15I'll show you
40:16a famous person's
40:18baby picture
40:18and you tell me
40:20Who's That Baby?
40:22Let's see our baby.
40:24You ever seen a baby
40:25that just looked
40:25like a Phyllis?
40:27Here are your clues.
40:28This person met
40:29their spouse when
40:30they were only 12
40:31years old.
40:31Oh, no.
40:32They're an Academy
40:33Award winner who
40:34also has the titular
40:36song on an animated
40:37soundtrack.
40:38And at the Paris
40:39Olympics, they had a
40:40famous comeback
40:40performance at the
40:42base of the
40:43Eiffel Tower.
40:43Celine Dion?
40:45Yeah.
40:45That baby,
40:46Celine Dion.
40:47Oh.
40:48The spouse thing
40:49at 12 is sad.
40:51They didn't get
40:51married at 12.
40:53Bonus question
40:54just to your ass.
40:56What size shoe
40:57does Celine Dion
40:58wear?
40:59How would you ask
41:00that unless it was
41:01massive?
41:02I would say 12.
41:04Big old feet.
41:05Her feet will go
41:05on.
41:10I would say 10.
41:11Five.
41:12It's a trick question.
41:14Every time I went to
41:15a store and I loved
41:16those shoes, they said,
41:16what size are you, ma'am?
41:18I said, no, you don't
41:19understand.
41:19What size do you have?
41:21I'll make them work.
41:22I'll make them fit.
41:23I will walk the shoe.
41:25I walk the shoe.
41:26The shoe don't walk me.
41:28That's how you can hit
41:29those high notes because
41:30the feet are so tight.
41:32Ooh.
41:33That was
41:34Who's That Baby.
41:35I want to thank our
41:35guests, Tara Setmeyer
41:37and Nimesh Patel.
41:39And of course,
41:40thank you to our team
41:41captains Amber Ruffin
41:43and Michael Ian Black.
41:44I'm Roy with Julian.
41:45I'll see you next week
41:46for another episode
41:47of Have I Got News
41:47for you.
41:48Good night.
42:02Have I Got News
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