- 1 day ago
No Doubt (2019) [Full Movie] [High Quality]Full EP - Full
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:28You
00:00:31All right
00:00:32So
00:00:34Mano y Mano
00:00:35How many girls ask you if Picasso is your real name?
00:00:39One I'd like to talk about
00:00:41Especially since a lot of them argue with me when I tell them it is my real name
00:00:44Like how are you going to tell me what my name is?
00:00:46I think I know more about it than you do
00:00:50She's cute
00:00:52Got you 20 bones she has a kid
00:00:54How can you tell that from one inconspicuous photo?
00:00:57Always trust the bubbling stomach
00:00:59Why is your stomach bubbling?
00:01:01Just scroll
00:01:06Ew, Maddie, you're right
00:01:09Of all the photos you're going to post of your kid
00:01:11Why would you post the one directly after you gave birth?
00:01:14She looks hideous
00:01:15I guess she was going for the natural beauty thing
00:01:17Nothing beautiful about that
00:01:19Is that her placenta?
00:01:21Gladly swiping left
00:01:23Wait, wait, wait, wait
00:01:24Okay, which one is she?
00:01:26Every photo is her with the same four girls
00:01:29I'm trying to find this right now
00:01:31And she wants to play Where's Fucking Waldo?
00:01:33I detest that shit
00:01:34You know when girls do that?
00:01:35It's usually because they're the ugliest one out of their group of friends
00:01:38Then it must be this one
00:01:41Duff, you have been spotted
00:01:43Ooh, she looks like fucking Beetlejuice
00:01:47She does
00:01:47To the left
00:01:50To the left
00:01:51Oh yeah, you're 25
00:01:5325 times 2
00:01:57Oh, here we go
00:01:58Officially head over heels
00:02:00Check it out
00:02:00Close up of her eye
00:02:02And
00:02:02Yep, that's her only photo
00:02:04Who wouldn't want to swipe right?
00:02:07Beats me
00:02:10Oh, hold on
00:02:10Let me see something
00:02:13You've got quite a few messages
00:02:16Master Picasso
00:02:16A lot more than I thought you'd have
00:02:18Well, if you open up the conversation
00:02:19You'll see that they're mostly just lonely hey's
00:02:21That no one ever responded to
00:02:23You can't just say hey to these girls
00:02:25The second you match with them
00:02:27You gotta do something to show them
00:02:29That you're not just one of the millions of guys
00:02:30That want to make bacon with them
00:02:31But I do want to make bacon with them
00:02:33Well, you're not gonna put anything in the pan
00:02:34With a dry fucking DM like hey
00:02:37Every hot girl's DM
00:02:38Is 50% lewd messages
00:02:4050% haze
00:02:41You gotta find the middle ground
00:02:43You gotta do something unique
00:02:44Well, my haze did work on someone
00:02:47Oh, this girl
00:02:48Sissany
00:02:49Yeah
00:02:50We've been talking for like two weeks
00:02:51And I can actually keep a conversation going with her
00:02:54No lags
00:02:55No
00:02:55Pretending to be interested
00:02:56And it's a good deal
00:02:58And we text like every day
00:03:00You guys met in person yet?
00:03:02No
00:03:03Is a face-to-face meeting in the works?
00:03:06Nope
00:03:14Dude, what are you stop
00:03:15What is that for?
00:03:16That's for preferring to talk to an attractive young woman
00:03:18On your phone
00:03:19Than talking to her pussy lips in real time
00:03:21I've seen catfish
00:03:23And if I've learned anything from Neve and Max
00:03:25Is that anything that seems too good
00:03:26Really is too good
00:03:27Right now this girl's on a pillar, you know
00:03:30She's cool, she's chill
00:03:31And I don't want to ruin what we have by meeting her in person
00:03:34Like what if she's a guy?
00:03:36Or what if she is who she says she is
00:03:38But her real-life personality pales in comparison to her online personality
00:03:42When I'm not looking for girls to fuck
00:03:44I can just sit back, unwind, and shoot the shit with Sissany
00:03:50What the-what-stop!
00:03:51Stop!
00:03:52What the fuck kind of logic is that?
00:03:53This girl responded to your boring-ass hay
00:03:56And has sustained conversation with you for weeks
00:03:58She's pretty
00:03:59She clearly likes the same things as you
00:04:01Look, she's gotten a courage in the cowardly dog shirt for crying out loud
00:04:04This girl will fuck the potatoes out of you
00:04:06Yeah, but what if she's a catfish?
00:04:08What if she's not a catfish?
00:04:09Picasso
00:04:11Listen to me with both ears, alright?
00:04:14If you haven't at least discussed the possibility of meeting this girl in person
00:04:18By the next time I see you
00:04:19I will personally give you a vasectomy with a rusty safety pin
00:04:24Capisce?
00:04:26Her vagina is calling your name, dude
00:04:30Oh, Picasso
00:04:33Oh, Picasso
00:04:34Just give me that salami
00:04:36Just give me that sausage
00:04:38I can take it
00:04:40Come on, shove it in there, big boy
00:04:42Come on, shove it in there, big boy
00:04:43Come on, shove it in there
00:04:44Please, stop it
00:04:45Please, stop it
00:04:45Please, stop it
00:04:46You're a sex body
00:04:46Stop it
00:04:47Oh, my God
00:04:47Oh, my God
00:05:03Look, I graduated
00:05:05Get through anything
00:05:06If magic made it
00:05:07That's magic, ain't it
00:05:09Graduated from public school
00:05:10That's special
00:05:11And
00:05:11That's football teams
00:05:13Since 13
00:05:14They're football dreams
00:05:15Most people waiting
00:05:17On the sideline
00:05:18Waiting for one time
00:05:19In the limelight
00:05:20But tonight
00:05:21I'ma shine in the moonlight
00:05:23Made moves like Michael Jackson
00:05:25So it's time for action
00:05:26I go
00:05:27Graduated to a party bus
00:05:29I'm going to college
00:05:30I had enough
00:05:31Gonna live it up
00:05:32Pour a drink in the red cup
00:05:33Trunk white
00:05:34Gonna throw it up
00:05:34We're gonna celebrate
00:05:36We're gonna celebrate
00:05:40We're gonna celebrate
00:05:44All night
00:05:47All night
00:05:49We're gonna celebrate
00:05:52We're gonna celebrate
00:05:56Ugh, so many stares
00:05:59Well, technically, I can get shot anywhere.
00:06:01The fact that this is Inglewood should make a difference.
00:06:05It's actually not that sketch.
00:06:07Looks pretty nice inside.
00:06:10Asshole.
00:06:12No, but are you sure you know the plan?
00:06:14Because you tend to have selective memory,
00:06:15and I want to make sure my plan is foolproof.
00:06:18Okay.
00:06:19Sad face means call me so I can make an exit elegantly,
00:06:23and happy face means I can stay.
00:06:27Okay.
00:06:28Okay.
00:06:28Thank you very much.
00:06:30Bye, bitch.
00:06:40It'll be fine.
00:06:44It'll be fine.
00:06:48It'll be fine.
00:06:51Yeah.
00:06:52Yeah.
00:06:53I think it'll be fine.
00:07:09Hi.
00:07:10Hey.
00:07:14Hi.
00:07:27Hi.
00:07:32Hi.
00:07:44This is a fucking maze.
00:07:46Yeah.
00:07:47There's a side entrance that's closer to my apartment, but I thought for the sake of presentation,
00:07:50I might as well meet you in front.
00:07:52Well, you should know that I hate walking.
00:07:54If I could ride around in one of those electric shopping carts for the rest of my life, I would.
00:08:00Well, we don't have any electric shopping carts, but there's a few janky ones lying around that could push you
00:08:04in one.
00:08:05I might just take you up on that.
00:08:06But only if the cart's missing a wheel and it smells like this.
00:08:10Well, I'll see if I can muster up.
00:08:14How long have you been walking?
00:08:15Uh, less than a minute.
00:08:18My feet hurt already.
00:08:19You really do hate walking.
00:08:21I did warn you.
00:08:23This hallway is kind of sketch.
00:08:25Yeah.
00:08:25I thought the same thing.
00:08:27Sometimes when I'm by myself, I turn around just to make sure I'm not being followed.
00:08:30Oh my God.
00:08:31Imagine if you were.
00:08:32Like, Leatherface was just posted up at the end of the hallway.
00:08:35Like, what's up, bro?
00:08:36Uh, I think I'd turn into Usain Bolt.
00:08:40Not today.
00:08:43See, not me.
00:08:44I am one of those people that would royally piss off the horror movie audience.
00:08:48I just wait to be killed.
00:08:50I mean, what is the point in wasting Leatherface's time giving this illusion that I'm capable of engaging in foot
00:08:56chase?
00:08:57Nope.
00:08:57Just cut me open.
00:08:59I can handle it.
00:09:00Sure about that?
00:09:02Nope.
00:09:03This hallway still reminds me of The Shining, though.
00:09:05Yeah.
00:09:06Well, if they ever do another remake, they could do it right here.
00:09:09Isn't that infuriating, another remake?
00:09:12The Shining is one of those films that should never be remade.
00:09:15No one will ever come close to what Jack Nicholson was able to achieve.
00:09:20You were supposed to agree with me?
00:09:22I'm not really crazy about The Shining.
00:09:25Well, date's over.
00:09:26Oh, well, I just think it's overrated.
00:09:28And before you draw your sword, I'm not saying it's a bad movie.
00:09:31It definitely had its effective moments.
00:09:33But to say it was the greatest horror movie of all.
00:09:38I'll over genuine horror.
00:09:40Plus, Cooper put his team through hell.
00:09:43If a director can't destroy the mental health of their cast and crew, they shouldn't call themselves a director.
00:09:50That's a problematic statement.
00:09:53But here's what I think.
00:09:55Remakes give filmmakers this opportunity to resurrect previously awful movies.
00:10:00I mean, I can think of so many shitty horror films that could be remade and enriched.
00:10:05But instead, people choose to remake the classics.
00:10:08The films that should have a do not touch sign on them.
00:10:12You can say that again.
00:10:13Do I have to?
00:10:19Oh, not too shabby.
00:10:21Not too shabby at all.
00:10:22This is the abode.
00:10:23I live in a shoebox compared to this.
00:10:26Yes.
00:10:27And you have a staircase.
00:10:28See, staircases and apartments to me are just like a fuck you to the rest of us studio apartment folk.
00:10:35Like, not one, but two of my floors are bigger than your entire living space.
00:10:40Oh, there's just a bedroom up there.
00:10:41It's not that great.
00:10:42But here's the test.
00:10:44How many bathrooms do you have?
00:10:46Two.
00:10:47Ugh, that is exceptional.
00:10:49So no one can blow up your bathroom because you have one down here for all your visiting bowel unloads,
00:10:54huh?
00:10:54You don't even use the bathroom down here, do you?
00:10:57Not really.
00:10:59You young guy have got it made.
00:11:02The apartment's not that great.
00:11:04I get that you're trying to be unpresuming, but this is a pretty sick pad.
00:11:10I do not see one blemish.
00:11:12Hmm.
00:11:13Well, then you haven't looked hard enough.
00:11:15Bring your eyes this away.
00:11:17Oh, hiya.
00:11:18Destruction.
00:11:19What happened here?
00:11:20Bronx.
00:11:22Bronx as in the borough of New York City?
00:11:25No.
00:11:25Bronx as in my friend's dog Bronx.
00:11:28Ooh, god damn Gertrude.
00:11:29My friend Hutt got himself a husky.
00:11:32A very unwise decision.
00:11:33And why is that?
00:11:35Huskies are cuteness overload.
00:11:37Like, I need to stop whatever I'm doing and hug your face.
00:11:40No.
00:11:41The cuteness of a husky hampers people's ability to make sound decisions.
00:11:44My friend Hutt got himself a husky, purely on the basis that it was his little wolfie pie.
00:11:50His words, not mine.
00:11:52Hutt got this dog and didn't read up on it.
00:11:55Huskies are balls of energy.
00:11:57They get bored easily and when they're not stimulated, it's chewing time.
00:12:02But huskies are little wolfie pies.
00:12:05I'd love to have a husky.
00:12:06They're always so happy and their fur is like, they're like little hairy marshmallows.
00:12:12Well, Bronx, the hairy little marshmallow, he'd be left alone in Hutt's apartment
00:12:16and in no time he was tearing the place apart.
00:12:20And Hutt didn't want to get mad at the dog because it was his little pup pup.
00:12:23Hutt had to get a new couch, new curtains, new shoes, all thanks to Bronx.
00:12:28You get off Bronx's back, alright?
00:12:32Also, if you knew what he was capable of, why did you let him stay at your apartment?
00:12:37Especially since you don't seem like a dog person.
00:12:40I'm not a dog person, but I was doing a friend a favor.
00:12:43Hutt had to go on a business trip.
00:12:45Plus, Hutt had told me that Bronx was taking puppy training classes.
00:12:50So I thought I didn't have anything to worry about.
00:12:53I left Bronx downstairs while I went upstairs to bed.
00:12:55And the next morning, I saw that the little wolfie pie had snapped on my apartment.
00:13:01And the shedding?
00:13:02These guys shed like nobody's business.
00:13:05Just white hair clumps everywhere.
00:13:07Turned my living room into an Alaskan winter.
00:13:11So, are you gonna fix the wreckage?
00:13:13I got a guy coming next week.
00:13:15And Hutt gave me money to pay for the damages.
00:13:18But this looks terrible, doesn't it?
00:13:21Yeah, but doesn't take away from how bitchin' this pad is.
00:13:25I'd still take your place over mine any day of the week.
00:13:29For a second though, I thought those scratches were the result of the victim trying to escape.
00:13:37You're welcome.
00:13:39I tried to go along with the last girl who made that joke, but apparently I was too convincing
00:13:44because her whole demeanor changed.
00:13:46And she called the Uber with the quickness.
00:13:49Well, this is kind of American cycle-y.
00:13:53You know, a young guy living in a nice place by himself nonetheless, right?
00:13:57Yeah.
00:13:58You could so be a serial killer.
00:14:01The same could be said about you.
00:14:03People always think it's the guy who invites the girl over to kill her.
00:14:06But what about the girl that comes over the guy's house to kill him?
00:14:09You're right.
00:14:11Femme Patels, they are out there.
00:14:13Online dating requires so much trust.
00:14:16My biggest fear is that I'm gonna meet Justine, only to find out that she's really Justin.
00:14:22Ugh.
00:14:23But the fact that I could be meeting someone that could possibly end my life or cause me great harm,
00:14:30something I don't think about as much as I should.
00:14:33Well, that's a reality I've experienced set on.
00:14:37Seriously?
00:14:39Yeah.
00:14:42It was a little over three years ago.
00:14:44I met this guy on this app.
00:14:47It was on a different one I used to use.
00:14:49I don't use it anymore.
00:14:52Um, but we'd been talking for a couple months and I thought he was, I was trying to think
00:15:03of another word for Mr. Perfect, but whatever, he was Mr. Perfect.
00:15:07I should have known that Mr. Perfect is never Mr. Perfect.
00:15:13He was Mr. Perfect at pretending to be Mr. Perfect.
00:15:16But anyway, we decided to meet up and I had the bright idea of inviting him over to my place.
00:15:25As soon as he got there, I knew that he didn't actually want to spend time with me.
00:15:29He just, he wanted to do the deed.
00:15:33Everything he said had something to do with sex and I immediately knew this was gonna suck.
00:15:42So, I wanted to watch a movie on my shitty little couch, but he insisted that we watch it on
00:15:47my bed.
00:15:48Another trap I fell into.
00:15:51But, I just, I felt uncomfortable and I thought, be nice, watch the movie and maybe he'll go home.
00:16:01And, not five minutes into the movie, he's kissing me and just being really rough.
00:16:08And I tried pushing him off, but then he just got stronger and he made this really awkward eye contact.
00:16:15And he said, you want me to leave, right?
00:16:19Well, I will.
00:16:20Right after this.
00:16:24And here's the kicker.
00:16:27I, I didn't fight back.
00:16:31I didn't scream.
00:16:32I, I could have done anything in my power to get him off.
00:16:37I could have done all these things that I always told myself I'd do if something like this would ever
00:16:42happen to me.
00:16:44But, then I thought I could be the next headline on one of those Facebook articles.
00:16:52Woman raped and murdered by online date.
00:16:57So, I just lied there.
00:17:01And I cried.
00:17:04And I guess that turned him off because he got off of me and left.
00:17:11And then he blocked me and I never heard from him again.
00:17:19I'm sorry.
00:17:20Things just got really fucking dark.
00:17:22Note to self, don't tell almost getting raped stories.
00:17:26And now I'm trying to make light of it.
00:17:28Oh my God, there's no coming back from this, is there?
00:17:33Thanks for sharing that with me.
00:17:35And now you're thanking me.
00:17:37I don't even know what to say.
00:17:39Oh my God.
00:17:40This is like something you share on the 15th date.
00:17:43No, it's, I, you're right.
00:17:45I don't know what I should be saying, but that guy's the hideous fucking guy.
00:17:51Yeah, it wasn't a great time for me.
00:17:53I mean, I almost stopped online dating altogether, but it's like, if you get attacked at a grocery store, you're
00:17:59gonna stop food shopping?
00:18:00No.
00:18:02No, I'm really not trying to make light of this. I just...
00:18:05No, you're fine.
00:18:09So I thought I'd give it another chance.
00:18:12And I know most people in my position wouldn't do that, but...
00:18:16You're strong.
00:18:19Yeah, if you say so.
00:18:23Took me a long ass time to get back here, but here I stand, and thankfully since then all I've
00:18:30had to deal with is harmless hoosers.
00:18:33I hope I don't become one of those harmless losers.
00:18:36Oh, only the night will come.
00:18:38Okay, I know it'll get us back on track. You got any outfit?
00:18:41Yes. What do you want?
00:18:42Bud Light?
00:18:43No.
00:18:45Budweiser?
00:18:46No.
00:18:47Sam Adams?
00:18:49No.
00:18:50Okay, what do you have?
00:18:51I have apple ale.
00:18:53Anything else?
00:18:57No.
00:18:58So, you asked me what I wanted when you already knew you only had one selection of alki.
00:19:03I was hoping you'd ask for apple ale.
00:19:05That's not even a real beer.
00:19:07That's like promising me a ticket to a Destiny's Child reunion concert, only to find out Beyonce won't be there.
00:19:14Michelle and Kelly are talented in their own right.
00:19:17In their own right? That was such a backhanded compliment.
00:19:20That's not what I meant. They are talented.
00:19:22The only thing they did was elevate Beyonce's eminence.
00:19:25They'd sing and dance circles around you.
00:19:27Well, of course they would. I'm not musically or rhythmically inclined.
00:19:30I think Michelle has a great voice, and so does Kelly. You cannot underplay their journey.
00:19:36Their journey on Beyonce's back?
00:19:39Technical foul.
00:19:39Okay, but who's the first person you think of when you hear the words Destiny's Child? Beyonce.
00:19:45No, I actually think of Michelle.
00:19:47Have you ever been thrown out of your own apartment?
00:19:49Picasso, the only reason Destiny's Child exists was to prepare Beyonce for the phenomenal solo career that she was destined
00:19:56for.
00:19:57That's all any boy or girl group is.
00:19:59They're meant to showcase how great the lead singer is so they can go solo and become megastars.
00:20:04Look at NSYNC. Who's the first person you think of? Justin Timberlake.
00:20:07No, JT. I always thought he had a better voice than JTims.
00:20:12JTims? What is he, your fucking golf buddy?
00:20:15Okay, fine. Forget NSYNC. What about Backstreet Boys? Who do you think of?
00:20:19Bryant?
00:20:20No, actually, AJ.
00:20:22Okay, now you're deliberately disagreeing with me. You know I'm right.
00:20:26Okay, here we go. B2K. Who drove that group?
00:20:30Omarion.
00:20:31Yes, IMX?
00:20:33Marcus Houston.
00:20:35H-Town?
00:20:36Dino.
00:20:37Can you imagine what that feels like? To know the group you're in wouldn't be shit without the lead singer?
00:20:42To know your millions of fans are probably just fans of the lead singer.
00:20:46Hmm. Wait, so did you still want that apaleo?
00:20:50I mean, since there's nothing else, fine.
00:21:05Thank you, thank you.
00:21:06Yep, yep.
00:21:10So what's the deal with your name? I gotta get to the bottom of this.
00:21:13What do you mean what's the deal with it?
00:21:15Is Picasso your real name? I'm sure you've answered that a million times, but you've never answered me.
00:21:19My real name is Picasso. It's spelled like Picasso, but it's pronounced Pic-a-so.
00:21:25And who decided Picasso is the name for you?
00:21:28The legend goes that my mom had a list of names, and she didn't know which one to pick.
00:21:33And my dad was very, very impatient. Annoyingly so.
00:21:39Pic! Pic!
00:21:41Pick a fucking name, you trick-ass bitch!
00:21:44My dad would never talk to my mom like that. I was just taking some creative liberties.
00:21:48Okay, I think I know how this ends.
00:21:49Your dad kept telling your mom to pick.
00:21:51She got fed up and named you Picasso as a former rebellion.
00:21:55No.
00:21:56Picasso was actually one of the names on her list.
00:22:0024 years later and I still don't know where she got it from.
00:22:03She swears it had nothing to do with Pablo Picasso.
00:22:06And she gets really upset when people say,
00:22:08Well, isn't his name Picasso?
00:22:11She's adamant that I was named Picasso and I shouldn't let anyone call me Picasso.
00:22:15Well, wouldn't she be proud?
00:22:16I've been calling you Picasso all night and you haven't corrected me.
00:22:19I won't correct anyone.
00:22:20I wish my name was Picasso, that's why I answered to it.
00:22:23Picasso sounds like the villain in an episode of Courage the Cowardly Dog.
00:22:26I could so see that.
00:22:28For some reason, I'm envisioning a spider-like scarecrow that comes to life and eats your happiness.
00:22:35Oh, I'd watch that episode.
00:22:37Bet your ass you'd watch that episode.
00:22:40So I have something.
00:22:42Why online dating?
00:22:45Cuz it's there.
00:22:46I feel like that's so generation-wide.
00:22:49We're too school for cool.
00:22:51We refuse to find romance the way our parents did.
00:22:54We have to do it technologically.
00:22:56Isn't that so ironic, though?
00:22:58That we're connecting with someone on a device that isolates us from any and everyone?
00:23:05I was so Jaden Smith just then.
00:23:07Wait, I have a Jaden Smith-ism.
00:23:09I wish I had a giant toilet to flush away the world's problems.
00:23:15Thank you, thank you.
00:23:16If baby goats are called kids, can kids be called baby goats?
00:23:20Nah.
00:23:23Haircuts are cranial abortions.
00:23:28Are we reading books or books reading us?
00:23:34Lisa, what about you?
00:23:36Why was online dating the way to go?
00:23:37Phone's a safety net.
00:23:39Online you can be anyone.
00:23:41You can say anything.
00:23:42If you get rejected by a girl, you can just block her.
00:23:45But if you get shut down in real life, you gotta wallow in that defeat.
00:23:48You can't just act like nothing happened like you can online.
00:23:51Yeah, but in the same respect, when you meet someone in person, even if they're not interested, they still have
00:23:59to acknowledge you.
00:24:00I mean, at least the manly person will acknowledge you.
00:24:02You're there in the flesh making your interest known, whereas online you get so many messages that people don't respond
00:24:09to.
00:24:10You know, there's nothing that compels people to give you a chance.
00:24:13Yeah, but there's thousands of options online. You'll get it in eventually.
00:24:17I didn't mean that. I was just like...
00:24:20Removes foot for mouth?
00:24:28Hello, nurse.
00:24:32Are you afraid of the dark? The complete series.
00:24:37That sounded unenthusiastic.
00:24:39Are you afraid of the dark is such a whatever show.
00:24:41When it comes to children's horror anthology, Goosebumps takes the cake.
00:24:45You think Goosebumps was a better show than Are You Afraid of the Dark?
00:24:48Sissini, I'm worried about you.
00:24:50It was Light Years better than Are You Afraid of the Dark. Ask anyone.
00:24:54Clearly you need a mental evaluation if you're gonna put Goosebumps over Are You Afraid of the Dark.
00:24:59I mean, on a crappy acting scale, sure.
00:25:03Are You Afraid of the Dark had less crappy performances.
00:25:06But, come on, if we're talking about the nostalgia factor, nothing will trump Goosebumps.
00:25:12This is a series that won the kiddies over in television and literature.
00:25:16Mad props to R.L. Stine, alright?
00:25:19Nah. There's just something so accessible about Are You Afraid of the Dark.
00:25:23Here you have a diverse group of kids.
00:25:25Well, as diverse as you can get for a Canadian-based program set in the 90s,
00:25:30but these kids had their own little clique, the Midnight Society,
00:25:34and they sit around and tell campfire tales.
00:25:36What kid can't relate to telling ghost stories with their friends?
00:25:41The concept alone stole my heart.
00:25:44But, Goosebumps was just so goddamn fun.
00:25:48See, there it is. Fun.
00:25:49I will agree that Goosebumps was funner, or more fun.
00:25:53Why isn't funner a real word?
00:25:55It sounds like a real word.
00:25:57I think it sounds like a real word.
00:25:59Papasso, please, focus.
00:26:01Goosebumps was fun, but Are You Afraid of the Dark was scary.
00:26:05That's why it will always fart on Goosebumps.
00:26:09The Goosebumps episodes, for the most part, were watered down.
00:26:13You could tell they were made for kids.
00:26:15But Are You Afraid of the Dark had zero chill.
00:26:19The villains were scary, the storylines were dark,
00:26:23and they had no problem ending a tale on a down note.
00:26:26They went there.
00:26:27I always appreciate kid content that doesn't censor itself.
00:26:32Because kids are basically pint-sized adults, right?
00:26:35We can handle the bleak shit.
00:26:38I'm just saying, if I had the choice to binge watch Goosebumps,
00:26:42or Are You Afraid of the Dark?
00:26:45I'm always gonna go with Goosebumps.
00:26:47Even if my preference is solely based on the fond memories I have
00:26:52of buying as many Goosebumps stories as I could at the school book fair,
00:26:56or watching the show on Saturday mornings.
00:26:58The happiness that Goosebumps brought me ranks it leaps and bounds above Are You Afraid of the Dark?
00:27:09I know what I wanted to ask you. How much is rent here?
00:27:12Uh, like 200-something?
00:27:14Fall off a cliff. You pay 200-something to live here?
00:27:16Uh, well, I own it, that's why.
00:27:18You're a homeowner?
00:27:20Yeah.
00:27:20You own a home.
00:27:23That is what homeowner means.
00:27:25Are you like low-key a millionaire or something?
00:27:28No. My grandfather built cars for Ford.
00:27:31He worked there for almost 30 years.
00:27:35He made some very nice money.
00:27:36And when he passed, he left me a little dough.
00:27:39A little dough to buy a fucking condo.
00:27:42How much did this place cost?
00:27:44No, you don't have to answer that.
00:27:46Wait, yes you do. How much?
00:27:48It was not cheap. That's what I will say.
00:27:52So, what kind of car do you drive, Beamer?
00:27:55No, a Prius.
00:27:56A Prius?
00:27:57What's wrong with Priuses? Do you know how much gas you save with a Prius?
00:28:01Priuses are such anti-climactic cars, you know?
00:28:04They're all so fugly and they're in abundance.
00:28:07I see like 40 Priuses a day and they always make me upset.
00:28:10Why?
00:28:12Prius drivers are so smug, like,
00:28:14Ooh, look at me. I drive the most fuel-efficient gasoline-powered car in the country.
00:28:18And that's not a good thing?
00:28:20No, it is.
00:28:22Then why so hostile?
00:28:24I don't know. I'll get back to you on that.
00:28:27Also, why are you driving a Toyota car when your grandfather put his blood, sweat and tears into proudly serving
00:28:34the Ford Motor Company?
00:28:36You could probably get discounts on Ford products.
00:28:39Not at all.
00:28:40Well, you're still lucky.
00:28:42Not that your grandpa died. I'm sorry about that.
00:28:45But leaving you the inheritance?
00:28:47I wish my grandpa would die and leave me some money.
00:28:51Actually, I don't need the money. I just wish my grandpa would die.
00:28:54I don't like my grandpa.
00:28:56He can't say anything without yelling.
00:28:58He always spits when he talks.
00:29:00He can't say thank you.
00:29:02And he always smells like olives when he doesn't even eat olives.
00:29:05Isn't it interesting how in our old age we revert back to infancy?
00:29:09We shit on ourselves freely.
00:29:11We drool when we're excited.
00:29:13Soft foods are marvelous.
00:29:15And we can say whatever we want without any backlash.
00:29:18I remember I was at the mall with my grandpa and this really obese lady walked by.
00:29:25And my grandfather said very loudly, she got the not of neck syndrome.
00:29:33Grandpa, what is not of neck?
00:29:36And he said, no, damn, neck.
00:29:41The lady heard him.
00:29:43She turned around, looked at him, and then walked away.
00:29:48Now, if I had said that...
00:29:50She would have beaten the ambition out of him.
00:29:52Exactly.
00:29:53And that wasn't the first or the last time my grandfather said something crazy like that.
00:29:58Now, my mom isn't the best cook, but she tries.
00:30:02Every Sunday, she would make us breakfast.
00:30:05Pancakes, eggs, fruit, you name it.
00:30:08Now, her eggs weren't so bad, but her pancakes were a calamity.
00:30:14Now, my father and I, we never say anything about it.
00:30:18We just eat the pancakes and pretend they were the best flapjacks that we ever had.
00:30:24My grandfather came over one Sunday, and he ate the food, no problem.
00:30:29But after breakfast, my mom asked him how he liked the pancakes.
00:30:33And he said he would like them better if they didn't taste like hot shit.
00:30:38Goddamn, Gertrude.
00:30:40My mom didn't even get offended.
00:30:42She just looked at him, laughed, and walked away.
00:30:46I look forward to that.
00:30:48Just being an old dude who doesn't know how to censor himself.
00:30:50You and me both.
00:30:52I'm going to mow kids down in my electric shopping cart.
00:30:58I thought of our generation being grandparents, though, is a little scary.
00:31:02We don't have the same sensibilities our grandparents had.
00:31:05Sock hops, having to wait a whole week just to see a new episode of a TV show.
00:31:11Using landlines.
00:31:13Respecting our elders.
00:31:14Actually working to get what you want.
00:31:17Actually having talent to find success in the film and music industry.
00:31:21Having to meet your boyfriend or girlfriend's parents before you can actually call yourselves a couple.
00:31:25I think our biggest downfall are the pop culture figures.
00:31:29Our parents and grandparents grew up with legit legends.
00:31:33Who are we supposed to brag about to our kids or grandkids?
00:31:36Fetty Wap, Lil Yachty, Bieber the Boy Wonder.
00:31:39We have J. Cole, Bryson Tiller, and your girl Beyonce.
00:31:44We've got a few icons among us, but you're right.
00:31:47It's nowhere near as special as it used to be.
00:31:50This is making me sad now.
00:31:52Wait.
00:31:53Random realization.
00:31:55You grilled me about my name, but I've never met anybody named Sisney.
00:32:00Your name's pretty out there, too.
00:32:02Well, it's a pretty uninspired story.
00:32:05I was conceived in Sisney.
00:32:07That's pretty much it.
00:32:08Where's Sisney?
00:32:10It's in Greece.
00:32:10My parents were vacationing there.
00:32:12Things got a little frisky, and then nine months later I was plunged into consciousness.
00:32:18The only difference is my name is spelled with an E at the end.
00:32:21Isn't that unpleasant that your name brings to mind your parents having sex?
00:32:24No.
00:32:25If my parents named me after the place where they got it on,
00:32:28I could never hear my name without thinking of my parents doing unspeakable things.
00:32:33You may have some things you need to work out then.
00:32:39You are such a guy.
00:32:42I feel like I should be offended by that.
00:32:44No, that's not a bad thing. It's just your apartment is a guy's apartment.
00:32:48Minimal furniture, TV larger than necessary, and I'm getting a vision that in one of your cabinets you have a
00:32:55family-sized bag of chips in it.
00:32:57Sour cream and onion? How do you do it?
00:33:01As good.
00:33:03So, what do you do for fun around here?
00:33:11A-ha.
00:33:15Kobe.
00:33:16You lucky little shit.
00:33:17Is it luck to win seven times in a row?
00:33:19This is skill, Chica.
00:33:21No, reset that shit.
00:33:22Why are you doing this to yourself?
00:33:25Hm?
00:33:31Three, two, one.
00:33:34Ray Allen with the shot.
00:33:36Booyah!
00:33:38Where's the sportsmanship?
00:33:39It is up my ass and down the street.
00:33:43You don't have to do that. I'll pick it up.
00:33:45Can you get me another ale, though?
00:33:47You sure can.
00:33:48Loser.
00:33:51Oh, goodness. Everywhere.
00:34:11Look what I found.
00:34:12This is actually impressive.
00:34:14You could easily get your rocks off via the internet, but you are taking it back to the old school
00:34:19with the hard copy porn.
00:34:21That deserves a slow clap.
00:34:25I actually forgot I had that.
00:34:27So, you're taking ownership then. No cockamamie excuses?
00:34:31What could I say?
00:34:32Your friend hot laughed it?
00:34:34Nope. Tell me.
00:34:37You've had a lot of these?
00:34:38Not a lot, but there are others.
00:34:41More honesty. Good for you.
00:34:43One thing I will say is I don't always look through that for gratification.
00:34:47I also do it because I find something feministic about porn stars.
00:34:52You're doing so well. Now you're flinging shit in my face.
00:34:55I mean, doing porn isn't a glamorous line of work, despite the way it's advertised, but I still find something
00:35:02feministic about women in the porn industry.
00:35:05Yeah. Come in my face, Mr. Postman. What freedom fighters they are.
00:35:10Well, on a cursory level, it seems very demeaning, but these women are loaded.
00:35:18Loaded with semen?
00:35:19No. Well, yeah, but they're also loaded with cash. They get paid to screw.
00:35:26So, if you had a daughter and she ended up being a porn star, you'd support her?
00:35:31I wouldn't want that, but if she's of age, she can make a living however she'd like, as long as
00:35:36it's legal.
00:35:37You don't mean that.
00:35:38Look, women are sexualized every day against their will. Porn stars are totally and completely in control of what goes
00:35:45in or out of their bodies.
00:35:47They're not doing anything that they don't want to do.
00:35:49Yeah, but what about those videos where the dudes take it too far? They go way past their co-star's
00:35:55comfort level without an ounce of compassion.
00:35:58Those guys are dick shits. But for the most part, the porn industry has stipulations that are respected.
00:36:02I'm not saying that women should set their sights on doing porn. Of course not.
00:36:07I am saying those women that, for whatever reason, find themselves in that world, the ones with tough skin, the
00:36:13ones who know that they're more than just fat-tittied bimbo number two,
00:36:17they deserve recognition for paying the bills with the assets that they've been blessed with.
00:36:21The assets they were blessed with?
00:36:24Um, like, 90% of porn stars have fake asses, fake boobs, fake hair, fake lips, fake eyes.
00:36:32Well, they were blessed with the money to adorn themselves.
00:36:34Yeah, but why are they doing that?
00:36:36They're doing that to follow some beauty chart that was created by some fucking vermin who thinks he has the
00:36:42authority to decide what makes a woman attractive.
00:36:44Yeah, but they're doing what they have to do to stay in the game.
00:36:47Yeah, but in the end, it's the men who call the shots. Hardly feministic.
00:36:52But the face of porn, the ones that are keeping this industry as popular as it is, are the women.
00:36:58Yeah, but look at the side effects. You got those guys out there that only know how to relate to
00:37:03women by what they see on their computer screens.
00:37:06Did you forget what happened to me?
00:37:07You're totally right. I'm just saying that porn stars are just doing their jobs.
00:37:11You can't blame them for the dummies out there that don't know the difference between reality and fantasy.
00:37:16That's like watching Man of Steel and saying, oh, Superman can fly. So can I.
00:37:23You both tried.
00:37:24And they're dummies, like I said.
00:37:26But porn can be a means to better oneself. Like, look at that girl who did porn to pay her
00:37:30tuition.
00:37:31She used what she had to get what she needed. And that's awesome.
00:37:35I know a guy that has sex with grannies to keep himself financially satiated, and he's hailed for it.
00:37:41Female porn stars deserve praise, too.
00:37:43You have a friend that has sex with old ladies for money. That is revolting.
00:37:50Gotta eat. No pun intended.
00:37:52That pun was so intended. How old is this guy?
00:37:5624.
00:37:57Of course he is. Yet another generation-wide distinction. Only a 90s baby would mitigate his probity by investing in
00:38:06his dick.
00:38:06You act like prostitution and being a sugar baby are new professions. They've been around for centuries.
00:38:13I know that, but back then people had to sell their bodies because they had no other way to provide
00:38:19for themselves.
00:38:20They also weren't proud of what they were doing. Does this guy enjoy having sex with grannies?
00:38:25Oh yeah. Ew. Sex is for pleasure, not profit.
00:38:29I've always thought that any work that was legal was good work. And porn is legal.
00:38:35Prostitution isn't legal.
00:38:36It is in Nevada.
00:38:37Being a sugar baby isn't legal either.
00:38:39It actually is. The guy I told you about, he actually explained how it works.
00:38:43He hangs out with the grannies, but there's never an explicit deal to exchange money for sex.
00:38:48This guy, he's, he's pretty vulgar. He talks about sex a lot, but it's more than that.
00:38:55His sugar mamas take care of him and he provides them with companionship. Sex is just a bonus.
00:39:01Doesn't matter which way you frame it. Prostitution, sugar babying, porn, none of that's reputable.
00:39:08What is reputable?
00:39:09A job that requires you to keep your clothes on. You're in finance, right?
00:39:14Yeah.
00:39:16That's a real job.
00:39:17But it's not a job that I enjoy.
00:39:19Then why do you do it?
00:39:21Because it pays well.
00:39:22Look, a person like my grandpa, he worked to take care of his family.
00:39:27I don't even know if he liked working for Ford, but he did it.
00:39:30That's the old school mentality.
00:39:31Work to provide, not work to enjoy.
00:39:34That's something our generation does get right though.
00:39:37We don't do shit unless it makes us happy.
00:39:40I missed the memo apparently.
00:39:43So, how did you get into finance if you don't like it?
00:39:48You're probably going to think I'm flinging more shit in your face, but
00:39:51senior year of high school, I saw everyone around me latch onto a field of study.
00:39:56I saw everyone find something that they really connected with.
00:40:01I didn't know what I wanted to do and
00:40:04I didn't want anyone to know that I didn't know what I wanted to do.
00:40:06So, literally, I looked up the top 10 most popular professions.
00:40:11I wrote them all down on separate pieces of paper.
00:40:15I put them in a hat and I picked one and set accounting.
00:40:21So, you spent four years studying something you have no interest in.
00:40:26Yeah.
00:40:27I thought by the time I turned 18, I should have found my calling.
00:40:30And when I hadn't, I was worried.
00:40:32Even now, I don't really know where I'd be if I hadn't done that college major raffle.
00:40:38I live my days as a chameleon.
00:40:40I go to work because that's what people my age do.
00:40:44I drink coffee because that's what people my age do.
00:40:49The only time I don't feel out of place is when I'm sitting on my futon watching TV.
00:40:55That's why I salute porn stars and the people that you may call degenerates because at least they're doing what
00:41:00they enjoy.
00:41:03And speaking of doing things you enjoy, you're a dramaturg.
00:41:06I've never even heard of that before you, but it's something that you're keen on.
00:41:11You contextualize the world of a play.
00:41:14You're the bridge that connects the text, the actors, and the audience.
00:41:21Do you know what any of that means?
00:41:22Are you just snowballing the shit I told you before?
00:41:25A little bit of both, but I'm mostly snowballing.
00:41:29We're theatrical gurus, basically.
00:41:33We're critical thinkers to the highest degree.
00:41:35We take literary info, cultural info, artistic info, and symbolic info, though that's pretty much in line with artistic info.
00:41:45And we provide all of that to our team before and during the show.
00:41:49And then sometimes after, depending on how much of a mindfuck the play was.
00:41:54And you're working on an ecological piece now, right? The Shakespeare one?
00:41:57Yeah, we're doing an interactive adaptation of A Midsummer Night's Dream.
00:42:01There's no actual set. It takes place all outside.
00:42:04We're really playing with nature's role in this world that Shakespeare created.
00:42:09Whether he knew it or not, he really gave a voice to nature in the form of fairies.
00:42:14The forest is their home. The forest is what they know.
00:42:18The fairies, creatures that embody nature, they're the strongest characters in the entire play.
00:42:23And the fact that they're proficient in enchantment conveys just how dominant nature is.
00:42:30So we're really trying to bring all that out.
00:42:33I'd really like to see that.
00:42:34I can get you a ticket.
00:42:37But here's my thing about ecological theater.
00:42:40I saw this play once. I don't know what it was called.
00:42:43But it was about these two polar bears that were struggling to survive in a changing climate.
00:42:47One thing I could not get over was why these polar bears spoke like people.
00:42:52And not just any people. They spoke like characters in a mammoth play.
00:42:55Like F words and all.
00:42:57I think I know what you're talking about.
00:42:59Ben and Bart.
00:43:00Sure. But if you really want to create an ecological theater piece, wouldn't it be best to show animals and
00:43:06nature as they really are?
00:43:07I mean, I understand what you and your team are doing, but that's different because you're working with material that
00:43:13already exists.
00:43:14But this Ben and Bart stuff?
00:43:17Polar bears don't talk!
00:43:18This little buddy comedy approach, it diminished how serious climate change is and it humanized a very non-human narrative.
00:43:27It would have been much more compelling to let actors that actually look like bears move around the space and
00:43:33react to what's going on without talking.
00:43:36I'd be all for that, but most audiences won't pay to see something like that.
00:43:40That's why you see talking trees or talking polar bears.
00:43:44We try to wrap an ecological message into the play without the audience knowing.
00:43:48Then don't advertise them as ecological plays. Just call them plays.
00:43:53You got any food?
00:43:56I think some chips would make you happy.
00:43:58I think you're right.
00:44:00Okay, here's one.
00:44:02Kill, fuck, marry.
00:44:04Meg.
00:44:06Princess Jasmine.
00:44:07And Princess Tiana.
00:44:09That is quite the roster.
00:44:11I would...
00:44:14It's not giving it to her, right?
00:44:16I would marry Princess Tiana because I really think she'd make me feel invincible.
00:44:21Sorry Meg.
00:44:22Of course you'd kill the most underrated Disney princess in the world.
00:44:27What other princess gives you cynicism, beauty, and backdrop?
00:44:30Still gotta kill her.
00:44:31You're such an ass dragon.
00:44:33Okay, I was getting serious.
00:44:35Prince Charming, Lee Shang, and the beast in human form.
00:44:41Um, jeez.
00:44:43Okay, kill Prince Charming.
00:44:44He's too much of a square for me.
00:44:46Marry Lee Shang because I think he'd make a man out of me.
00:44:49And fuck the beast because he's a beast.
00:44:53Ah, that's a noble selection.
00:44:55Oh, yes.
00:44:57Ursula, Cruella de Vil, and Lady Tremaine.
00:45:00Ooh.
00:45:01I'd kill Cruella immediately.
00:45:02She's too skinny for me.
00:45:04I would marry Lady Tremaine, and I would fuck Ursula.
00:45:08I'm swimming all up in that octopussy.
00:45:10Just...
00:45:11Oh my god, you really just said that.
00:45:14Okay, I get very involved in my players games, okay?
00:45:17Alright.
00:45:19Jafar, Hades, and Gaston.
00:45:23Now, you think I'd fuck the muscle-bound Gaston, right?
00:45:26Hell no.
00:45:27He'd rather fuck himself, so I'm gonna kill him.
00:45:30Marry Hades because he's the ruler of the underworld.
00:45:34Can someone say sovereignty?
00:45:36And fuck Jafar because underneath that rough exterior,
00:45:39I think he'd be a generous lover.
00:45:41Now that deserves a slow clap.
00:45:44Wait, I have to do it with you.
00:45:55You sure you want to do this?
00:45:56Did you not hear me when I said I'm the Riddler?
00:45:58Okay, last chance to tap out.
00:46:00I don't need to tap out.
00:46:01I'm the Riddler.
00:46:02Are you really?
00:46:03Yes.
00:46:04As an only child, you have a lot of down time.
00:46:07I read riddle books all day.
00:46:09That's not something I'd brag about.
00:46:11Whatever.
00:46:12I'm ready like SpongeBob, alright?
00:46:14Okay, you know what happens if you get one wrong.
00:46:16I do know, but that's not something I need to worry about
00:46:19because I'm gonna ace this shit.
00:46:22Okay, coming at you.
00:46:24Five of the hardest riddles.
00:46:26Five of the easiest riddles.
00:46:28Number one.
00:46:29It's more powerful than God.
00:46:30It's more evil than the devil.
00:46:32The poor have it.
00:46:33The rich need it.
00:46:34If you eat it, you'll die.
00:46:35What is it?
00:46:35Nothing.
00:46:37I have two arms, but fingers none.
00:46:38I have two feet, but cannot run.
00:46:40I carry well, but I found I carry best with my feet off the ground.
00:46:43What am I?
00:46:44Go on, wheelbarrow.
00:46:46The more you take, the more you leave behind.
00:46:48What am I?
00:46:49Fingerprints.
00:46:49You can't handle me.
00:46:51What disappears as soon as you say its name?
00:46:53Silence.
00:46:55Last one.
00:46:55Come on.
00:46:56What type of dress cannot be worn?
00:46:59That was your last one?
00:47:00Really?
00:47:00You could have done better.
00:47:02Much, much better.
00:47:03An address.
00:47:07Whoop.
00:47:08Whoop.
00:47:08Whoop.
00:47:09Whoop.
00:47:09Whoop.
00:47:09Hey, now I have a bonus one for you.
00:47:11That wasn't a part of the deal.
00:47:12Oh, I thought you were the riddler.
00:47:14Fine.
00:47:15Riddle my boots.
00:47:16Okay.
00:47:17Went to a football game, right?
00:47:18Mm-hmm.
00:47:19The quarterback threw a pass to the wide receiver.
00:47:22The wide receiver caught it in the end zone, but no guys scored a touchdown.
00:47:26How can that be?
00:47:27What?
00:47:28This has to be a trick question.
00:47:29Was there a penalty or something?
00:47:31No, it was a very clean touchdown.
00:47:33There just weren't any guys on the field.
00:47:35That can't be.
00:47:36You can't score a touchdown without any guys on the field.
00:47:39I'm telling you, no guys were playing.
00:47:41Was it an imaginary game or something?
00:47:43No, it was a very real game.
00:47:46You gotta be pulling my leg.
00:47:49You can't score a touchdown without any guys.
00:47:52What are you talking about?
00:47:53It was an all-girls football game.
00:47:56God damn, Gertrude!
00:48:00Gonna do some relish.
00:48:03Mmm.
00:48:04I think we'll top it off with some chocolate sauce.
00:48:09Oh, yeah.
00:48:12Stir that bad boy up.
00:48:14Mmm.
00:48:16One disaster on the rocks for the overconfident young bloke.
00:48:20Can I tap out now?
00:48:22I thought you didn't need to tap out.
00:48:23You're the ruler, remember?
00:48:26Drink up!
00:48:27And if you're gonna barf, do it that way.
00:48:29You're listening to the map.
00:48:31Yeah.
00:48:31No.
00:48:32Nope.
00:48:36Nope.
00:48:52No.
00:48:56No.
00:48:57Nope.
00:48:58No.
00:48:58No.
00:48:58No.
00:49:02We won't be doing that anymore now, will we, you fucking dummy?
00:49:33You okay?
00:49:34I am now.
00:49:36Nice barf fest.
00:49:38Oh yeah.
00:49:39Yeah, I know all about that.
00:49:41At my old apartment, I accidentally ate a roach.
00:49:44How do you accidentally eat a roach?
00:49:46I was making food in my kitchen.
00:49:48I turned my back for like two seconds and the little dirt bag made a break for my sandwich.
00:49:53Of course, I didn't notice, so I put the other piece of bread on top of the roach
00:49:57and didn't realize I was sharing my sandwich until it was too late.
00:50:01I would have needed a tongue transplant after that.
00:50:03Oh yeah, I was in the bathroom for the rest of the night.
00:50:06Was it at least a small roach?
00:50:08Oh no, small roaches were not welcome in my old apartment, only the big ones.
00:50:13These were the kind of roaches that could go to the bank and take out a loan.
00:50:16That's how big they were.
00:50:18As much as I loathe roaches, I'd rather eat one than drink that nasty shit again.
00:50:23I didn't think you were actually going to drink it.
00:50:25I thought you would have been like, I'm not drinking that shit, are you nocking futz?
00:50:29And I would have been like, okay, I wouldn't have drank it either.
00:50:33But you went above and beyond.
00:50:35You could have stopped me.
00:50:37I could have, but there's no entertainment value in that.
00:50:52What's this?
00:50:53It's a poke war.
00:50:54I'm at my wit's end.
00:50:56Make my day, twat scratch.
00:51:00Trinch, trinch.
00:51:01Yeah, you are.
00:51:02I'm on the phone.
00:51:02Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:51:06You got one.
00:51:07You got one.
00:51:08Oh, you're a question.
00:51:09You got one.
00:51:10I got you.
00:51:20Do you want, do you want, do you want, do you want some more chips?
00:51:26Yeah.
00:51:27I'm on the phone.
00:51:28Yeah.
00:51:29Yeah, chip me.
00:51:32Yeah.
00:51:34It's a good one.
00:51:47I'm on the phone.
00:51:51Yeah.
00:51:52soiling the things that made being a kid so great i'm a huge children's show conspiracist me too
00:51:58let me hear one of your theories let me hear one of yours i asked you first i asked you
00:52:02second
00:52:04okay i have one for out of the box you remember that show of course okay well get ready to
00:52:10hate
00:52:10me because your beloved out of the box glorified pedophilia what look at the premise a bunch of
00:52:18kids go and play in a box with a grown-ass man and a grown-ass woman tony and vivian
00:52:22were saints
00:52:23were they did you ever ask yourself what do they really want and more importantly did these kids
00:52:30parents give tony and vivian permission to play with their kids for hours on end in a box
00:52:37unsupervised i think not i would have never gotten pedophilia from out of the box of course not but
00:52:45who were tony and vivian what did they do for a living and why did they have so much free
00:52:50time
00:52:50to play with these kids alone in a fucking box the whole come play with us ploy was just a
00:52:56way to
00:52:57lure these innocent children away so tony and vivian these so-called saints could have their way with
00:53:03them that sounds like a defamation lawsuit in the works what these are just theories fictitious
00:53:08notions tell people like me who wish they could live in the 90s forever cope with the lost early
00:53:14years if i ruin the images of my favorite childhood shows cuts back on the sense of longing i'm just
00:53:21having a little fun with you i'm in the same boat i know so tell me one of your theories
00:53:26i have a johnny bravo theory let's hear it okay
00:53:35so i always found myself asking after watching johnny bravo why he never gets any gross
00:53:40yes he's an asshole yes he's arrogant yes he lacks subtlety but in the real world how many girls go
00:53:48after jerks a lot so every girl that johnny has any type of interaction with always hates him
00:53:55i don't buy it well he did live at home with his mom these girls don't know that how could
00:54:02they know
00:54:02that they're just meeting him for the first time but that's something else here's my theory on why
00:54:08he's so unlucky with the ladies the johnny bravo that we as audience members see isn't the real johnny bravo
00:54:14the real johnny bravo is short bald possibly smelly rotund see in his distorted mind he created an
00:54:24idealized projection of his inner self the person he aspired to be so on the inside he's tall good looking
00:54:31strapping the quintessential manly man in the johnny bravo universe the women that interact
00:54:38with johnny bravo aren't seeing the johnny bravo that we see they're seeing a loser his true self
00:54:45i'll never look at johnny bravo the same way that's all i wanted so tell me something is it true
00:54:54that
00:54:54girls hate it when guys send hey is the first message i'm indifferent to the whole creative first
00:55:00message thing but i do have some friends that get pretty flustered is it also true that girls dms
00:55:07are 50 graphically perverted and 50 percent bland as hell no it's more like 80 graphically perverted
00:55:15and 20 percent bland as hell so what's the weirdest thing a guy said to you oh i have a
00:55:21hall of fame
00:55:22of weird messages most of them i don't like to repeat but i did have this one guy ask if
00:55:28he could
00:55:28lick the back of my neck what yep he didn't lead into it didn't prepare me for his creepazoidery
00:55:35he just went for it and usually i'd block eyes like that immediately but i was kind of curious so
00:55:41i
00:55:41asked why do you want to lick the back of my neck and he said he wanted to know what
00:55:46a champion
00:55:50oh i hate people sometimes sometimes oh and i can't tell you how many dick pics i get i get
00:55:57one
00:55:57like every fucking day i got one this morning shit have you ever sent a dick pic nope that's not
00:56:03even
00:56:04a consideration that shit travels online like an oil spill i'm not gonna lose my job because there's
00:56:10pictures of me and mr pink floating around why is your penis called mr pink because he goes in
00:56:17vaginas and vaginas are pink not all of them ew so what's the weirdest thing a girl's ever said to
00:56:27you i once had this girl ask me if she could borrow twenty thousand dollars to bail her dad out
00:56:32of jail
00:56:32are you serious sorry and i told her that i couldn't because i just spent 20k bailing my own dad
00:56:40out of
00:56:40jail trats i also had this one girl ask me if i was interested in letting her stick a stalk
00:56:46of
00:56:46celery up my ass god damn gertrude my messages are split in four categories the weirdy pants
00:56:54the tireless spam bots the racist bozos and the chill chicas am i a chill chica you are i fucking
00:57:03better
00:57:03be i think it's funny how online dating has become a legitimate way to make a connection with someone
00:57:10but i still won't admit that i use it you have no idea how true that is i think like
00:57:15three of my
00:57:16friends know that i use dating apps because i mean yes it's commonplace but you still get judged so
00:57:22hard for it like why are you talking to people online that's so weird you can't find a boyfriend
00:57:27online like is it my life or is it yours please say that again for our listeners at home
00:57:36is it my life or is it yours tell it tell it like a t-i-s
00:57:43give me some
00:57:46put your hand down there you go there you go oh there you go like this
00:57:52no that's wrong
00:57:59look at the puppy my friend just sent me this look at his little ears if you do not think
00:58:07this
00:58:08is cute you have the devil in you no it is i just don't understand why people go cuckoo for
00:58:13coco pups every time they see a puppy or any other furry pint-sized animals because they're the cutest
00:58:18things ever and they represent all that's good in the world but here's what i'm trying to
00:58:23understand people die every day no one seems to care but let a puppy die or a kitten die and
00:58:31it's
00:58:31mass hysteria did you not hear what i just said cute animals represent all that's good in the world
00:58:37their only responsibility is to be cute and fluffy and let me hug you little functions
00:58:42is the baby voice necessary yes
00:58:47miss popular okay you want to see one of the messages guys send me here
00:58:53that violates so many health codes welcome to my dms sorry zanzy stan 46 but your ass is getting
00:59:01blocked these guys are barbarians i appreciate how disgusted you are but i'm sure you've sent
00:59:07retaliating messages nope i'm the boring guy really i usually start off with hey or what's
00:59:15your favorite tv show i mean look at our convos i haven't said anything too racy that's actually
00:59:20true you have been pretty racy tonight though because i'm comfortable i have that effect on people
00:59:28okay colonel comfortable how many girls have you brought back here not including me
00:59:33well that's certainly escalated look the past is the past i'm not gonna hold anything against you
00:59:39i'm just curious i mean in total six girls have been here one of whom was underage
00:59:48um i didn't do anything with her i thought she was 24 the second i realized that she was born
00:59:55post
00:59:55the amanda show i made her leave so one of the six girls you didn't do anything with
01:00:01what about the other ones you're not even trying to approach this with any delicacy
01:00:08why not just ask what you really want to ask how many girls have i slept with how many in
01:00:13my whole
01:00:14life four only four only four you want to get specific i was a virgin all through high school
01:00:23i lost my virginity when i was 20 and only had one other partner in college after graduating i started
01:00:31using the dating apps and only managed to hook up with two girls no game actually and i'm not
01:00:37saying this to brag my body count could have been higher i had opportunities so why didn't you get it
01:00:42in i don't know any guys to shy away from sex why are you shaking your head because i'm gonna
01:00:49sound
01:00:49like such a wimp after saying this let me decide that all right i haven't had many partners because
01:00:57i guess i like the idea of being a mac more than actually being a mac now of course in
01:01:05the presence
01:01:05of my boys i've had women all around town but i want to return the honesty that you shared with
01:01:11me
01:01:11with a little honesty of my own i say a lot of things but i'm not having sex like that
01:01:17i mean
01:01:19i can be very sexually explicit with the things that i say but actually going out there and knocking
01:01:24them dead i'm the only person aside from you that knows this is my friend hut and even he gets
01:01:32the
01:01:33edited version he thinks i've just hit a dry spell he doesn't know my low number of sexual partners is
01:01:42purposeful
01:01:45all right i give you full permission to rag on me i just don't want you thinking that
01:01:50i'm just the average fuck boy because i'm really not so so does this mean your dick isn't really
01:01:56named mr pink his real name is sheldon but he has been known to answer to mr pink sometimes
01:02:05i don't know you're telling me the truth what if this is just a line you feed all the other
01:02:09girls i would
01:02:10do that even if i was trying to run game one year i wouldn't do it by downplaying the number
01:02:16of girls
01:02:16i've slept with why not sensitive guys are in nothing that i'm saying is a line this is the real
01:02:22picoso isn't there women's intuition you have a knack for sensing the
01:02:30of the bull is there anything telling you that i'm being dishonest
01:02:36i'm all talk truthfully the idea of hooking up with hundreds of girls
01:02:43kind of gives me anxiety but i wear the pimp hat because you're a chameleon
01:02:52i've only been with five guys for the record i haven't had sex in over three years
01:02:58been on some dates but nothing got physical not since mr not so perfect
01:03:05do you go to these guys houses at first i vowed to keep meetings in public areas
01:03:10you know just in case i had to deal with another psycho but then i realized a lot of guys
01:03:17wear their
01:03:17mr perfect masks they say what they think they need to say to get the second date anything to get
01:03:24the final prize which is boom boom boom when i finally got my zing back and stopped thinking
01:03:31every guy was a predator i started accepting invitations to houses which i know is a very
01:03:37unsafe thing to do but i think the best way to observe someone is in their natural habitat their home
01:03:46i'm not a complete lame brain i do have mace and other defensive materials on deck no i'm the scared
01:03:52one just what i wanted okay i want to see something i want to see your best fuck boy what
01:04:01act like i'm not
01:04:03me you're not you we're strangers in the night how would you approach me if you were actually the player
01:04:10you pretend to be isn't it too early for role playing shut up come on this is your chance to
01:04:15authenticate your smoothness i want to see you pick me up but i already got you to my apartment we're
01:04:21not in
01:04:22your apartment pretend we're in a cafe i'm already here drinking my raspberry ice latte you come in for your
01:04:31usual double espresso and crumb cake you see me over yonder attached to my phone whatever does the
01:04:38big player player do you really want to do this i wasn't oddly specific for nothing okay
01:04:58okay cut can you not walk like you're about to backhand me i was just feeling out the character
01:05:03all right do it again
01:05:24hi hello what's that raspberry latte yes it is
01:05:32sweet drink for a sweet lady okay you're not good at this no no no no no no let me
01:05:38do it again
01:05:38sweet drink for a sweet lady that works on some girls doesn't work on this girl
01:05:44start over start over but you're really not doing well oh everybody's a critic
01:06:09hey hi
01:06:10i see you're enjoying your drink and i don't want to take up too much of your time but
01:06:17i knew i'd kick myself later if i didn't come over and say something even if nothing comes of it
01:06:22i'm daryl you don't have to tell me your name i'll just i'll just call you beautiful
01:06:30i've seen you in here every day this week coming in drinking your latte and i've always wanted to talk
01:06:36to you
01:06:37but i'm sure you've got guys kicking down your door all the time so
01:06:41the original plan was just to let you have this time to yourself but
01:06:46seven times i've seen you here seven times usually i don't believe in signs
01:06:53but this can't be ignored i had to come talk to you now i'm not asking for your number
01:07:03and i'm not asking you on a date i just wanted to introduce myself
01:07:09so i'm going to go over there and grab my double espresso
01:07:11and crumb cake then go sit over there and if you wanted to join me
01:07:20i would not mind that
01:07:24nice to meet you beautiful
01:07:49not too shabby daryl not too shabby at all i'm not a wizard but i got the magic
01:07:56saying like that is gonna annul everything you just did so no more of that okay
01:08:02do i get your stamp of approval though i suppose then where's my reward what do you want
01:08:09some heroin would be nice sure let me just grab some from my purse
01:08:14no but there is something that i do want and what would that be
01:08:21um um
01:08:24i uh
01:08:28oh my god
01:08:38you're terrible at being yourself you know that
01:08:42you know i wanted to kiss you
01:08:44duh we've been leaning up to it for a while now you should have kissed me when we're by the
01:08:47stairs
01:08:48i know i wanted to that would have been a moment i just
01:08:53i usually like to ask girls before i kiss them
01:08:55why
01:08:57i don't want to throw myself on someone that's weird
01:09:00you wouldn't have been throwing yourself on me i wanted it too
01:09:04what if you didn't that's what the mace is for
01:09:09after you shave do you slap on the aftershave or do you dab it on gently
01:09:13dab it on gently of course you do sometimes you gotta throw caution to the wind you talked
01:09:20about women's intuition right guys have it too you knew i wanted to kiss you you felt exactly what
01:09:26i felt you should have just went for it
01:09:38much better but next time do it without us having to talk about it next time next time
01:09:49weren't we supposed to watch a movie tonight i think we were we still can young is the night
01:09:56you want to pick i shall pick the genre comedy all the way
01:10:01there's comedy you want it's comedy you'll get i know exactly what it is
01:10:31uh this new edition of big bang creation up i'm more just placing the headphones to turn on and
01:10:37start them flip my keyboard and say beg your pardon as i pursue to join the squadron astronaut is
01:10:42starting and starving no comedy like stevie and harvey because they did not regard me proportions
01:10:47of gold control is gold space is powered by produce and flow this fast food grab produce and go from
01:10:54low hopefully how we can go go go and the people of earth is so low and i'm just so
01:11:00alien awaiting them
01:11:01in the starship from the motherland in another land just another man the beat funky make the
01:11:07rough say brother man like 70s sold by your future man hey where we go where we go where we
01:11:14go
01:11:16where we go where we go where we go up we go up we go up up we go up
01:11:27up we go up we go up
01:11:29we go up we go up we go up and where we go up we go up
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