00:00season one i was actually like it was the end of my marriage in real life and it felt very
00:07um
00:08it was so strange to be in the middle of intense heartbreak and then doing scenes that were you
00:20know i mean i really felt abandoned really really in my life and then it was kind of playing out
00:25with my character too and it's it's really hard to to not bring that in not bring your personal
00:34struggles um into what you're doing especially when when as an actor it depends on what you've
00:41studied in and i never took any acting classes i didn't go to acting school or anything um
00:48so for me just trying to be vulnerable and open on camera i have to dig from my personal experience
00:58and so yeah all through um season two my dad was very very ill and every i was just waiting
01:07for the
01:07phone call that was he's gone and every once in a while i would get a phone call and it
01:12was he's in
01:12the hospital again you know he's in the er this not and i was having a really difficult conversation
01:18with my mom about putting him in hospice and uh and all that and i i knew the end was
01:25coming
01:25i i was really lucky because if i hadn't been going through the destruction of my marriage i would not
01:33have gotten three months of time with my dad that i because i would have been doing the marriage thing
01:40right right instead it like that forced me to go home to san francisco to be with my parents
01:48because i i just felt like my whole life had been broken right and and i got home and i
01:54got
01:56extra time with my dad i would not have gotten if if that hadn't happened and i was there when
02:01he got
02:01really sick and i was there to take him to the hospital and i was there to take care of
02:05him
02:06for a little while until we started filming season two and then reading the scripts of season two it
02:13felt like a mirror on my life a little bit not to really give anything away i don't really want
02:18to
02:18give anything away but um it was a strange strange time because it felt like a trial run for something
02:33that
02:33was coming so soon right and to face the idea of grief and losing uh someone really important in your
02:48life
02:48um before that you know it felt so out of body it felt so strange and um
03:02and so i i didn't really tell anyone on set what was happening because i didn't want people to
03:08come to me are you okay is this okay can you do this do you know what i mean i
03:14didn't want to be
03:15it's almost like ally like ally doesn't want to be overly coddled are you okay you know it's like yeah
03:21i
03:21know i'm broken but like also like let me struggle through and let me figure it out so i really
03:26kind of
03:26kept it very quiet and all like no one really knew and um and just to do something like that
03:34was
03:34was wholly strange the camera's there to pick up like the real shit that's going on
03:43and to protect i mean that is part of life we do protect ourselves
03:49but i am hired as an actor to show the real emotion that's going on and in for that my
03:57character
03:57is going through and my character was not protecting she was there and present and what was going on you
04:04know and she was in what was happening and she kept you know she'd say she's sad but she's also
04:09it's
04:09fine she's allowed to be sad she's supposed to be sad that's what's supposed to happen you know it's not
04:15that she's going on you know it's not that she's becoming uh really depressed because of her bipolar
04:21it's like no this is a serious horrible moment and she's allowed to be sad and it's not her having
04:29a
04:29breakdown right and and so you know you have to open up and show the emotion uh that's really happening
04:37and so for me it was it was a it was a really difficult time for that to happen and
04:44moment
04:44and very very briefly after that my father passed away but luckily i was able to fly home
04:53and and take care of him and he was in the house that and he passed where he wanted to
04:58pass you know
04:59in his beloved water bed which is not easy because you know end of life no nothing prepares
05:07you for uh losing a parent and nothing prepares you when the the it's a slower death
05:18and you're taking care of someone and changing their diapers when they had she it's really like
05:25i have not processed it yet i have not you know i spent most of the end of last year
05:31preparing her for his memorial and all that kind of stuff so you know um i really think that the
05:37episode is like spot on um for things that happen of course this is all giving everything away
05:43but uh you know i think that it it tells the story of grief so well right yeah it's it's
05:52incredible
05:53that episode
05:54you
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