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00:00Britain, Britain, Britain, cultural capital of the world.
00:05The Sistine Chapel, British.
00:08Mozart's Requiem, British.
00:10The Great Wall of China, British.
00:12But none of that stuff would ever have been invented were it not for the people of Britain.
00:17The men, the women, the boys, the girls, and the monkey children that populate this well-fit country.
00:24Let's have it!
00:33Welcome on board!
00:35Our first stop is darkly noon for a visit to teenage mum Vicky Pollard.
00:40It's a school day, so Vicky has taken herself off to the park.
00:44Parks are very popular in Britain, with over five parks per person.
00:49Skate Vicky through the park and collect as many CDs as you can.
00:53Vicky's having a party and she needs CDs to decorate her wondrous flats.
00:58Do tricks for extra points, but not if you don't want to.
01:02Skate hard and keep it real.
01:10Yeah?
01:11But new.
01:12But yeah.
01:14But go!
01:19CD?
01:20Never CD?
01:23Oh my god, I think I'm going to be just on that.
01:25Never CD!
01:30Hang on.
01:55Whoa!
01:57Oh my god, I still can't believe you just made me do that.
02:27Oh my god, I can't believe that I can't believe that I can't believe it.
03:08No, but, yeah, but, no, but, yeah, but I still totally meant to do that, actually, if you didn't mind.
03:14No.
03:25Cave.
03:29Never cave.
03:51Never cave.
04:01You're giving me E-Dogs.
04:15Nice.
04:16You erased that.
04:20Yeah, you didn't mind.
04:45But, you know, you and your friends, all of you, your friends, all of you, your friends, all of you
04:47have.
04:47Oh my God, I can have a maid on my own 200 horsepower.
04:47Come on, you're coming in.
04:58Oh
07:24Come on, let's go.
07:25This place is world rubbish.
07:29Bye, Geraldine.
07:30You've done it.
07:31And as a reward for skill and courage under fire, we'd like to offer you the precious gift of a
07:37bus ride to Herbie.
07:38But first, before we leave, let's see what happens when Vicky goes to her local doctor's surgery.
07:57Our next stop is here in South East North Westshire and the little town of Herbie.
08:02Here it is late evening and Lou is taking his friend Andy for a swim.
08:07Swimming pools in Britain have very strict rules.
08:10No bombing, no petting, no ducking and no fondue parties.
08:15Andy likes to work up an appetite between packets of crisps.
08:19Whilst Lou is busy talking to the pool attendant, get Andy to do as many madcap dives as you can.
08:25The bigger the splash, the more points you get.
08:28Now is your time to shine.
08:35Three, two, uh-uh.
08:38I want to get in.
08:42Starting.
08:43I'm here with a friend.
08:49Getting me in and out of the pool.
08:52Getting me in the pool.
08:54We've not really a kaffa.
08:56Getting them out of the pool is a good person.
08:58I mean, he's ready.
09:00Starting.
09:04You know, we know he's not just for all my glory.
09:13I like him to go swimming because it's good exercise.
09:16You know what I mean?
09:39I mean it's relatively
09:42Yeah well that one
09:43But he does have a slight fear of warmth
09:45You know he's nice
09:47But he's not really
09:50If any
09:51I don't think this needs help
09:53To get him in and out because I like him
09:56Yeah well that one
09:56Because it's good exercise you know what I mean
09:59I don't really think he's the case
10:02He's really the case in the upper body
10:04And you can
10:07Lowering him in very gently
10:08So shall we go help him in
10:13I wanted to jump off
10:14And start one
10:26You know he likes
10:28But he's not a strong
10:31Doggy paddle if anything
10:36I like him to go swimming
10:38Because it's
10:38You know what I mean
10:40And so really I think it's just a case
10:43Maybe me taking the upper body
10:45And you maybe taking the upper body
10:48I don't know
11:05But he does have a slight fear of water
11:08Yeah he likes the water
11:10But he's not a strong swimmer
11:11And so really doggy paddle if anything is he
11:14But he does have a slight fear of water
11:17But he does have a slight fear of water
11:18And then because it's good exercise, you know what I mean?
11:21And so really, I think it's just a case of making me take me up.
11:31Oh, really a cup of...
11:41Andy, how did you get in the water?
11:44You pushed me.
11:51In Sussex, Fat Fighters course leader Marjorie Dawes has popped into her local supermarket
11:57to pick up a few sundries, and muntries, and choostries, and wenstries.
12:02Marjorie is having a craving.
12:05Here, you must guide Marjorie around this very supermarket and eat all the biscuits.
12:10But avoid those fatties, unless you've eaten a piece of cake.
12:14In which case, go get them, buster!
12:20I love cake!
12:24Go!
12:27Give me cake! Give me cake now!
12:40cake!
12:42H-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!
13:22I like eight.
13:50You didn't see me here.
14:02Oh man, I love the cake.
14:13Oh, you are a big fat thing.
14:15Man, you is fat.
14:17I don't think there's much point in you coming to Fat Fights anymore if all you're going
14:20to do is stuff your face every time I've eaten.
14:27Oh mama, you fat.
14:29Oh, you are a big fat thing.
14:31Man, you is fat.
14:34You have fat.
14:37You are a big fat.
14:39You have fat.
15:09Let's get started.
15:20Let's get started.
15:45Let's get started.
15:47You've just won the Fat Fighters Challenge.
15:49It's still a fatter though.
15:53Success never tasted so sweet, isn't it delicious?
15:57I also like triumph as a dessert.
15:59A fine specimen like you deserves a trip to slut.
16:03But first, while the driver blows air into the tires, let's go back to Herbie and see Lou and Andy
16:09again.
16:21It's a quarter to Tuesday and over in slut, old trout Lettie Bell is celebrating her birthday.
16:27It's a tradition here in Britain to give unwanted gifts on birthdays.
16:33Lettie is aghast at real frogs.
16:34They make her lumpy.
16:36Help her squash all of the vermin lickety-split, but don't smash her ornaments or stuffed froggies.
16:42Bring it on!
16:43Three, two, one, go!
17:00What's me froggy cushion?
17:03What's me stuff, froggy?
17:06What's me stuff, froggy?
17:09Oh, that's a big one!
17:15Wish me froggy ornaments!
17:18Oh, that's a big one!
17:24Oh, that's a big one!
17:37Look at all the froggies!
17:50Smooth as a baby lady in frog's clothing, I'd like to shake you by the hand and let you continue
17:56on this magnificent tour.
17:58But first, let's take a moment to visit Darkly Noon and see what teenage sensation Vicky Pollard is doing with
18:05her life.
18:10Unlike some countries, Britain has two genders, ladies and men.
18:14Here in the seaside town of Old Haven, Emily and his friend Florence think they are ladies.
18:20Write it down. Ladies.
18:22Emily can't resist footy, or, as it's also known, socky.
18:27Help her score three goals so she can titter about it later over Sherry.
18:32Choose the direction and angle you want to shoot in, then kick the ball.
18:35Go on, I dare you.
18:43Three, two, one, go!
18:58Woo!
18:59Nearly, Emily!
18:59Yes, sir!
19:01Oh, no, no.
19:07Bad luck, Emily. Have another go.
19:19Come on!
19:22Come on!
19:25Tiny, yay!
19:28The new, Jason, you've been on route.
19:31TPLK牛, gì, the .確
19:36right, everybody. What's
19:36up! Can you
19:38hear any of these Minecraft abilities orFO Stadt chains? Really?
19:38up? Yeah,
19:46you": Yeah,
19:48you're good. Dr infantownancholy,
19:49can you身. Yeah, nice table. Thank
19:52you. We're good.
20:09Yes!
20:28Ball out of play Try again Emily
20:38Ball out of play Bad luck Emily, have another go
20:51Go!
21:30Hit the pace Emily, fall out of play Bad luck Emily, have another go
21:44Come on!
22:02Ball out of play
22:07Have another try
22:16You kicked like a lady
22:18Oh no, the defender got it
22:23Have another try
22:25Go!
22:26Go!
22:30Go!
22:31Go!
22:37Go!
22:39Go!
22:40Go!
22:43Go!
22:44Go!
22:56Go!
22:58Go!
22:59Go!
23:01Go!
23:02Go!
23:05Go!
23:13Go!
23:15Go!
23:18Go!
23:27Go!
23:29Go!
23:30Go!
23:40Oh no, the Defender got it!
23:45Try again, Emily!
23:53Yes, sir!
23:55Oh, no, no!
24:01Bad luck, Emily! Have another go!
24:05I think we got away with that.
24:08Au revoir!
24:10You've scored a ladies' hat trick!
24:13Bang in!
24:14This is cause for celebration.
24:15You have won a ticket to continue this, our Whistlestop Tour of Britain.
24:19But before we leave, let's stay with Emily for just a few minutes more.
24:24She really is a hoot.
24:29One thing this country does better than all the others is fates.
24:34We can proudly boast that Britain is the fate capital of the world.
24:39Over in Pox, these ladies are taking part in the local fate.
24:43Like many women Maggie's age in Britain, she does like a good projectile vomit.
24:48Help Maggie digest as much delightful food as possible by lining up similar items that are similar.
24:55Once she wretches, score points by vomiting over everyone in sight.
25:00Oh, give me strength.
25:05Three, two, one, go!
25:19Gingerbread man.
25:28Gingerbread man cake.
25:32Cherry pie.
25:35Gingerbread man.
25:41Cousin.
25:44Gem.
25:46Gem.
25:56Cousin.
25:58Cousin.
25:58Cousin.
25:59Gingerbread man.
26:03Cherry pie.
26:06F bên d'un.
26:14Custard tart
26:18Custard tart
26:24Gingerbread man
26:25Cake
26:28Jam
26:55Custard tart
26:58Custard tart
26:59Gingerbread man
27:00Cherry pie
27:10Scrawl
27:14RORE
27:15Scarila
27:24ROR
27:47You have won the much desired and often fought over Busseed to Hlanduibrethi, where I must
27:54warn you, there are rumours of gayism. But just before we go, let's pop back to Herbie
27:59to see Lou and Andy again.
28:06Have you ever done it gay-wise? I have. It's a hoot. Here we are in the charming Welsh
28:12village of Hlanduibrethi, home of bottom enthusiast and out-gay man Daphid Thomas. It would be
28:19a gay disaster if copies of gay magazines fell into the wrong hands. Manhandle Daphid Thomas
28:25and collect as many copies of the magazine as you can while running down the villagers who
28:30are getting in the way. Push it real good.
28:38Three, two, one, go!
28:49You're probably just a little bit poor, Phil. Oh, you claim to be gay, do you?
29:01We don't want your sort round here. You're probably just a little bit poor, Phil. A copy of Gay
29:10Times, please.
29:17There's Hazel Dean on the cover.
29:22No, you are not gay. I am the gay. We don't want your sort round here. Oh, you claim to
29:29be gay, do you?
29:30No. There's a very informative article on women. We don't want your sort round here. You're probably just a little
29:43bit poor, Phil. Magazines like this have been a lifeline for me.
30:02Oh, you claim to be gay, do you?
30:06We don't want your sort round here
30:10Oh, you claim to be gay, do you?
30:18We don't want your sort round here
30:21No, you are not gay, I am the gay
30:26We don't want your sort round here
30:32Oh, you claim to be gay, do you?
30:37No, you are not gay, I am the gay
30:49We don't want your sort round here
30:52Oh, you claim to be gay, do you?
30:59No, you are not gay, I am the gay
31:10Oh, you claim to be gay, do you?
31:12You are probably just a little bit poor, sir
31:16We don't want your sort round here
31:24No, you are not gay, I am the gay
31:29You are probably just a little bit poor, sir
31:43We don't want your sort round here
31:45Oh, you claim to be gay, do you?
31:56You are probably just a little bit poor, sir
32:01Oh, you claim to be gay, do you?
32:11You are probably just a little bit poor, sir
32:20No, you are not gay, I am the gay
32:24No, you are not gay, I am the gay
32:32We don't want your sort round here
32:34No, you are not gay, I am the gay
32:38We don't want your sort round here
32:41You are probably just a little bit poor, sir
32:48Oh, you claim to be gay, do you?
33:02We don't want your sort round here
33:05You are probably just a little bit poor, sir
33:10Ow!
33:17We don't want your sort round here
33:29Oh, you claim to be gay, do you?
33:35We don't want your sword round here
33:54You're probably just a little bit goofy
33:59Oh you claim to be gay
34:01You claim to be gay, do you?
34:04No, you are not gay, I am the gay
34:15We don't want your sword round here
34:21You're probably just a little bit goofy
34:31Oh you claim to be gay, do you?
34:40No, you are not gay, I am the gay
34:55I am the only gay in this village and that's that
35:00You are a most gracious and most worthy winner
35:03and now it's my most well heavy news
35:05that this scintillating tour has come un full circle
35:09Here we must leave this country of giant midgets
35:12and bid farewell for now to all the people that make it kick butt
35:17But first, let us stay with Daffy Thomas a little longer
35:21He really is a gay
35:23Good boo!
35:24Thanks for taking part 2
35:25There you are
35:25I know
35:26You're ready to go
35:27I am not gay
35:27I am not gay
35:28I am not gay
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