- 2 days ago
Bait S01E01-2 (2026) [Full Movie] [New Drama]Full EP - Full
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:06You
00:42I suppose the term safe house is no longer apt.
00:47Nothing you touch is ever safe, is it?
00:52I told you not to come after me.
00:54James, she knows everything I know.
01:00If you have terrible taste in hostages, Wentworth was the mole.
01:05Could have just as easily aimed a few centimeters higher.
01:10Then it wouldn't have mattered to you at all, would it?
01:14Just as long as you're pleasing your masters.
01:18Tell me, when it's just you, all alone, how do you live with yourself?
01:26Do you even know who you are?
01:30No.
01:38Line!
01:39Sorry!
01:43Sorry, Helen.
01:45It's all good.
01:46It's all good.
01:47It's just we're on a bit of a schedule.
01:50Yeah, that's why I was thinking.
01:50Quick reset back to once.
01:51I'll nail it this time.
01:52How are you blowing this audition?
01:54I know the speech.
01:56I know it.
01:57My call.
01:57You fucked it up every time at the exact same moment.
02:02What is this, a prank show?
02:03Wearing a hidden camera.
02:05It's funny.
02:05No, I just have a very particular process.
02:07I've got my head around it now.
02:08I'm ready.
02:09Sorry, guys.
02:10You just said we had to...
02:10Yeah, well, just a minute.
02:11Sorry.
02:12How was your weekend?
02:13That's good, thanks.
02:13How was yours?
02:13Great.
02:14What did you do?
02:15Just...
02:16Thanks, Jim.
02:17This is my set...
02:19Stop it.
02:20Sorry.
02:21You know what?
02:22They didn't want to see you.
02:24I had to convince them.
02:25So this is on me.
02:26I've got a confession to make.
02:29I'm lightheaded from fasting.
02:31It's the holy muslin month.
02:34It's called Ramadan.
02:37This involves no eating and drinking in the day.
02:40I'm lightheaded from...
02:41If I get a bit of a cultural understanding.
02:43Well, I've just seen you drink apple juice.
02:45Six tigs in a row.
02:47I tried.
02:48Just a shame you didn't.
02:52Thanks so much for coming in, Sharon.
02:54We'll be in touch.
03:04You want to know what it's like doing the dirty work?
03:07Fighting everybody and being nobody.
03:12I don't live with myself.
03:14I live with whoever you need me to be.
03:18The blood on my hands is mine.
03:20Because I kill a part of myself every day.
03:24If I don't know who I am.
03:26Because you don't want to.
03:31You knew it.
03:33You knew it.
03:35What's wrong with you?
03:38Do you know who you are?
03:39I'll tell you who you are.
03:41You're a fucking failure.
03:43Who just shat on your last chance of being somebody.
03:47You should be ashamed of yourself.
03:49You are ashamed of yourself.
03:50Because you're ashamed of your family.
03:52You're fucking nobody.
03:53You're nothing.
03:53You're just a fucking dumb fucking buggy.
04:07Come in.
04:11I forgot to grab your mic.
04:16Sure.
04:44I forgot to grab your mic.
04:57I'm just, you know, there's a photographer camped out front.
05:00So I'm going to take you down the side.
05:02Oh, yeah, yeah.
05:03The press gets a pic of anyone who's auditioned.
05:05And the whole Bond rumor mill goes crazy.
05:10Sorry, you know what?
05:11I just realized I left my charger in the dressing room.
05:14Oh, I'm happy to come with.
05:14I'll go and grab it.
05:15Another way.
05:16Are you sure?
05:16Thank you, though.
05:16Thanks a lot.
05:17Okay.
05:31You all right?
05:37I'll go.
06:00Thank you, though.
06:02Jumbo Jumbo Jumbo
06:07Now I'm going to go, I'll show you what I love
06:16Hey! Dude!
06:17What? I know you! Mate!
06:20I'm a huge fan!
06:21Sit, you're talented! No, no, no
06:23Yes you are! You're an exceptional actor and I want you to know that
06:26Thank you, man!
06:27Can I get a little video from my girlfriend, Heather? She's like obsessed with you, dude
06:30Really? Yeah, yeah!
06:31Hey, check it out! Walking down the street, guess what I've been to?
06:35Dev fucking Patel!
06:36What?
06:37Dev Patel, just walking down the street!
06:40Say something about Slumdog, she loves Slumdog
06:46It was an amazing honour to be part of Slumdog Millionaire
06:49It was a great film that people loved, that I loved, I loved that film
06:53I mean, my family, my community, internationally
06:56He's not Dev Patel!
06:59What?
06:59He's not Dev Patel!
07:02Look how short he is!
07:03Dev is tall, strong, handsome, our Gujarati hero!
07:09Hello, Shah Jahan Latif!
07:10Are you the Shah Jahan place?
07:13Who's... Shah's... Shah's... Shah's...
07:14Shah Latif, Shah, that...
07:16That's me!
07:20Can we go, please?
07:21No problem, Shah!
07:27Assalamualaikum, Mr. Latif, Shah!
07:28I hope you are enjoying your MOBA experience and that the temperature is of enjoyment for you
07:34I asked for an asylum ride on the app, so...
07:36Sir, just one thing...
07:37Where are you from?
07:39Because you are looking like the packy, but you are talking like the honky-tonky, right?
07:42I like the bar, but you are looking like the sphincter
07:46Sphincter?
07:46Wait, that's a bar?
07:47Of course I like that
07:48You like sphincter, you just came to me like that
07:49Sphincter?
07:49Thanks for picking me up, bro
07:50Come on, man
07:51I appreciate it
07:52You wish my apology, please
07:53You're awesome, my shoulder
07:54You took in love here
07:55Hey, listen, um, did you bring the watch, yeah?
07:57Yeah, I couldn't find it
07:58You couldn't find it or you didn't look?
07:59I did look
08:00I'll be busy, okay?
08:01What do you always say?
08:01Bro, you're a dickhead
08:04What the fuck is this doing here?
08:06I was gonna tell you, innit?
08:07Basically, I need that for my cars, bro
08:09There's no brown dolls for saying like that, it's weird
08:11It's not a doll, bro
08:12It's a limited edition collectible action figure of me from my film
08:15You gotta ask me before you use my likeness
08:17You need to chew your tits
08:19First of all, this don't even look like you
08:20And second of all, you got a hundred of these many dildos lying around in the garage
08:23It's not a dildo
08:24It looks like a dildo to me
08:25And I need it for my fleet anyway
08:26Fleet?
08:27Alright, well, you and six guys, yeah?
08:30It's 26, actually
08:31Fuck off
08:31Yes
08:32Things have been going very well
08:33Got some serious investors interested
08:36Hmm
08:37Hmm
08:38What?
08:39Say mashallah
08:40Mashallah
08:40Brother, if you're gonna say it properly
08:41Mashallah
08:42There you go
08:43Right
08:44Investors know that nobody needs a Muslim Uber, bro
08:46Uber in London's already Muslim
08:48Right? Every next driver's named Abdi
08:50Listen to me
08:50We drive that thing
08:52But we need to own our thing
08:53And I want us to own this thing
08:54Okay
08:55And if you're strapped for personal right now
08:57I'll take you on as a driver
08:58I don't mind
08:59Don't need any money from you, bro
09:00Is it?
09:01Yeah, I got stuff cooking
09:02There's no why I heard
09:02I got stuff cooking
09:03Where you go cooking?
09:04I can't tell you
09:05Huh?
09:05This top secret I signed an NDA
09:06You ain't signed no NDA
09:08I did non-disclosure agreement
09:10I signed it
09:10I understand what that means
09:11But you ain't signed
09:11You ain't got shit, bro
09:12You're mistreturning for mine
09:13No, we didn't actually
09:14Because we're going to mummy and barbers
09:15What?
09:16Yes
09:16No
09:17What do you mean no?
09:18I mean no
09:19Yes, we are, bro
09:20Okay?
09:21You have not checked in on your mum in time
09:22She's gonna be gassed to see you
09:24Bro, I'm not in a mood
09:25Yeah?
09:25Can you turn it around?
09:26Well, I don't care if you're in the mood or not
09:27If you're getting free rides
09:28You're gonna make the stops
09:31NDA
09:47Come
09:48Come
09:48Yeah, I'll come in a minute
09:51Sometimes being here is enough, you know
09:53Okay, just one minute, I'm coming
10:01Okay
10:01Tahira
10:01When will I get home?
10:03Okay?
10:04I'm going to get a personal shopper
10:06Yeah
10:07Okay
10:07I need my silver rally set
10:09No, no
10:10Silver rally set
10:11No, no, thank you
10:12It'll be fine, right?
10:13Yes, yes
10:14It's the Quran
10:16Hello, auntie
10:17Hello, auntie
10:18Look at you
10:19All grown up
10:20Such a strong boy
10:21Masha Allah
10:23You're welcome
10:23Bye, auntie
10:25Bye, auntie
10:27Look who's here
10:27Look who's here
10:28Look who's here
10:29Who knows
10:29Annie, baby
10:30Come on
10:32You'll die
10:32You'll die
10:33I'll come to my news
10:34I've been two weeks
10:35Two months, bro
10:36Yes
10:37A couple weeks?
10:38I can't, I'm dying for this job
10:40Like audition thing
10:41You're dying, Timbala
10:42Keeping your rose here
10:43Oh, you're dying
10:44Oh, you're dying
10:45I've seen her
10:46You should fast all year
10:48You know what's happening
10:49What's happening
10:50My mind has come up
10:51So many days
10:54He bought a car
10:55He bought a car
10:55He bought a car
10:56He bought a car
10:56He bought a car
10:57He bought a botox
10:58I knew it was Marco Jackson
10:59When I came in the house
11:02No, I'm sorry
11:03Don't worry about it
11:05Don't worry about it
11:06I'm fine, sir
11:07I've seen something in Google Alerts
11:08I've seen something in Google Alerts
11:10Yeah, there's stuff going on
11:12I just don't know
11:15Don't talk about it, okay?
11:16Just tell me
11:17What?
11:19What?
11:19Well, I'm...
11:23Just a prayer
11:24Just pray
11:25A prayer for you?
11:26A prayer for me
11:26A prayer for you all the time
11:28A prayer for me
11:30A prayer for me
11:31Baba, have you seen a brown leather case
11:32About this big?
11:33It's got my name written on it in gold
11:34Where are you?
11:35I don't see the TV
11:36I don't look at it
11:37Yeah, I've got some stuff cooking
11:38It takes time to make a film
11:39But you don't have time
11:42It takes time to make a film
11:44That was one scene in one film
11:45You've been pervert on his newsreader all day
11:47I don't know why
11:50Baba
11:51Why aren't you showing up to these doctor's appointments?
11:53They're expensive
11:54I booked them for you
11:55So we can find out what's wrong
11:56I booked them for you
11:57I booked them for you
11:58So we can find out what's wrong
11:59Hey, cousin
12:00Shit!
12:01What are you saying?
12:02No, man
12:03Oh, bless
12:04What's this?
12:05What's what?
12:05You're getting to take out your tags
12:06Oh
12:07Rah!
12:08Is that you, yeah?
12:10Baba
12:10See how your boy's spending?
12:12Give me that
12:13Why you at home?
12:15Quit my job, man
12:15Manager was a dickhead
12:16Hey
12:17I wasn't able to
12:18Rufiwa Boda charge me
12:19He was a weirdo
12:20If you need work experience
12:21I could sort you from Felicia
12:22I told you
12:22No, no, no, listen
12:23If you really want to help me
12:24Take me to Taser's show tonight
12:25Is he playing tonight?
12:27Yeah, why?
12:29I told you you can't work for me
12:30Brother
12:30I already sent you my counter offer
12:3250% of my business
12:33Yes
12:34But do you believe in gender equality or nah?
12:36No, not really
12:39Oh, my God
12:41Shabai, are you going to be the next James Bond?
12:44What?
12:46Eh?
12:47Wait, wait, wait, wait
12:48It might be cut, it might be cut
12:49Can I have a look at that?
12:50Oh, shit
12:51No, no, no, no, it's legit
12:52It's legit
12:52What the fuck?
12:53Oh, my God
12:54This is crazy, this is crazy, bro
12:56Wait, wait, wait, wait
12:57Chill, man
12:58Check the website
12:59It's BBC we contracted
13:01What's the fuck?
13:01What's the fuck?
13:02What's the fuck?
13:03What's the fuck?
13:03It's just an audition
13:04Is this what you've been watching this whole time?
13:05I've been watching this whole time
13:06I've seen the Super James Bond
13:07Listen, it's an audition
13:08It's a photo from today's audition
13:09What's the name of Shabai?
13:11James Bond is white
13:13Look, look, look, look
13:14Look, look, look
13:15Look, look
13:16Look, look
13:17Look
13:18Look, look
13:19Look
13:19Look
13:20Look
13:21Look
13:21Look
13:21Look
13:21Look
13:21Look
13:25It's okay to be a little bit excited
13:29You know, it's nice even just to have the opportunity
13:31It's a big deal, you know, Brown James Bond
13:33You should be proud
13:34You know
13:35This guy's face is going to be fucking blasted everywhere
13:37Imagine, imagine it
13:38Daniel Kui got me 20 M's for the last movie
13:41My Shahju will get 21
13:43Just calm down, it's just an audition, yeah?
13:45Call me if you need a body double for sex scenes
13:47No, no, no
13:49No, no
13:49Can you tell her to call me as soon as she comes back in?
13:52Yes
13:52What are you doing?
13:54What are you doing?
13:54What are you doing?
13:55I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing
13:57I'm just going to sort this out and work it out
14:00Look, look, look at me
14:03I'm proud of you
14:04Yeah?
14:06Fucking James Bond, my guy
14:07Let's see what happens
14:08Of course, Inshallah
14:09But do they know about the height?
14:11What do you mean?
14:13They're going to give you special shoes like James Bond's a big honey
14:19I'm just saying it
14:21For you
14:21For you
14:25Hey, Felicia, can you call me back please?
14:27I'm just wondering if the audition news league thing has helped me
14:30Or, you know, fucked me
14:31Thank you
14:38You know, that was something to do
15:04Yeah, yeah, yeah, where have you been?
15:07Painting my nails on a fucking sunbed, what the fuck you think?
15:10Listen, did you call the pap?
15:12I'm not that clever.
15:14What are they saying? Are they pissed?
15:16Well, they are very surprised.
15:19Fuck.
15:19About how much you're trending.
15:21And because of the reaction, they might give you a second chance to audition.
15:25Fuck! Yes!
15:27Oh!
15:28You plus a female director is doing very well for their 18 to 34s.
15:31And you know that demographic gets them all wet.
15:33Oh, my God.
15:34So, listen. Sit tight and let this play out.
15:37Oh, my God.
15:39Thank you. That is amazing. That's really, really cool.
15:42God bless the internet, eh?
15:44Yeah. So, just one thing.
15:47We can't just see how this plays out.
15:48We've got to do everything we can to get me back in there.
15:51Sha, I just told you it's good you're trending.
15:54Look, and I'm just thinking,
15:56unless you delete all that old music,
15:58just the really political bits, what do you think?
16:00As your agent,
16:02let me deal with that stuff.
16:04You just need to act.
16:05Listen, there's videos of me online
16:07fucking pissing on a British flag.
16:09It's already out there.
16:11All you can do is own it.
16:12That makes you the edgy POC candidate.
16:14Yes, fresh blood.
16:15So, new fans for the great old institution.
16:17Listen, don't find a thing that got you here, you know.
16:19Huh.
16:20Okay, okay.
16:20So, what are you saying?
16:21Maybe I should lean into it?
16:24Oh, because Taze and them lot are doing a show tonight.
16:27I could maybe do a little thing there.
16:29There's nothing to lean into.
16:30You just are.
16:31Listen, just don't do anything and stay home.
16:34Yeah, yeah, yeah.
16:35Done.
16:45Come on.
16:48Come on.
17:13Oh shit!
17:15Hey!
17:16What are you doing here?
17:18Me? What are you doing here?
17:20We're all everywhere today.
17:24Pretty cool, isn't it?
17:41What's up, bro?
17:42What's good?
17:43Look who's back on the street!
17:44Bro, bro, bro, bro!
17:46Brickshaw!
17:47What's up, bro?
17:48This shit blew up, huh?
17:49Yeah, it's working.
17:50Look at this. You're coming again, bro. You killed it, man.
17:52What are you saying? Ami?
17:53Yes, dude. What are you doing here, bro?
17:54What are you saying, man?
17:55Are you meant to be protecting Gotham City right now?
17:56What?
17:57No, it's not Gotham.
17:58Bro, don't you know? Toots in your backhand.
18:00It's not bad, man.
18:01It's James Bond.
18:03Hey, bro, easy with the Hollywood big man shit.
18:05This is just an audition.
18:05Let's see.
18:06You know what? We need to take pictures.
18:07Go to the ground.
18:11Safe, man.
18:11Alright, it's good to see you.
18:12I'm just thinking...
18:13What? Forget it. Forget it.
18:15It's cool, man.
18:15No, not fair.
18:16Nah, no, I'm just...
18:17Go on.
18:18I just had a mad thought.
18:19Wouldn't it be sick if I, um...
18:22I warmed up for you a lot tonight?
18:24Cause I think the crowd would love it.
18:25It'd be like a reunion.
18:26It'd be like old times, bro.
18:27Yeah, man. Like, how dare you, bro?
18:29You know?
18:29Nothing. You just, you come back.
18:31You act like you fucking own this place.
18:33What you mean?
18:33Walking through here, all like...
18:35Look at me, look at me, and...
18:36Bro, I didn't, I didn't mean it like that.
18:38I didn't mean it like that.
18:41I didn't mean it like that.
18:42You're a dickhead.
18:43You're a dickhead.
18:44I can't knock the hustle, man.
18:46Yo, maybe...
18:47Uh, yeah.
18:48I was thinking maybe I could come through the crowd,
18:49like, um, you know, like the old days.
18:51Bro, I'll meet you on stage with a mic.
18:52Shaman, uh, there's like a lot of hate
18:55coming at you on the internet right now.
18:57Just don't pay attention to it, alright?
18:58It's all bullshit.
19:01London, are you ready for a tape?
19:03Yeah!
19:33Just don't take it.
19:35It's all bullshit!
19:37No!
19:39Why are you, we're here.
19:43No!
19:44No!
19:45No, no!
19:49It's not it!
19:50It's not it!
19:52It's not it!
20:06It's been a long time.
20:09Give me a sign.
20:10We have been on the right path.
20:11We've gone for a wrong path.
20:14We'll forgive everyone.
20:19Yes, this was a word from the Lord.
20:20Allahumma, Allahumma, Allahumma, Allahumma.
20:45Ars, salami?
20:48Fuck.
20:49Fuck.
20:49Fuck.
20:50Here.
20:51007.
21:06Shah Latif!
21:07Welcome to Sir Chattrick Stewart's with me, Sir Patrick Stewart's.
21:12It's an honor to be here.
21:13The honor is all mine.
21:15I've hosted many fine actors on my little podcast.
21:18Plus, few who've had such an eventful 24 hours.
21:22It's been a wild ride already, that's for sure.
21:24Now, I know a Bond or two.
21:26Daniel Craig's a dear friend.
21:28Big shoes to fill.
21:29Do you think you're up to the job?
21:33Yes.
21:35Yes, I do.
21:37Now, more than ever, I'm ready to show the world that I've got what it takes.
21:42Nigel Murray, how are you?
21:43Thank God.
21:44Good.
21:45Good.
21:45At least she tells me you do security for all the top wankers.
21:48Yeah, that's right.
21:49Yeah.
21:50I'm always happy to take on a few up and coming wankers as well.
21:54Do you do personal?
21:55Because I might have an event tonight.
21:57Yeah, no, we did the full service.
21:58Even got a food taster if you need one.
22:00Right.
22:00Tell you what, let's have a look in the house and we can talk about that afterwards.
22:03Yeah.
22:03So, house is two points of entry.
22:05Hostile object into the front bay window.
22:08Those and the doors may need reinforcing.
22:09And I was thinking maybe some visual deterrence along the perimeter if you have the bodies.
22:14Sixty friendlies expected tomorrow.
22:15Wow.
22:16You really know your stuff?
22:17Well, I played the translator in Homeland Season 7.
22:21Yes.
22:21Yes.
22:21Yes, you did.
22:22They got a lot of shit wrong on that show.
22:24Come on.
22:24Okay.
22:25All right.
22:26So, your guests are for E.D.L. Fetter, I presume?
22:28Yeah?
22:29Yeah.
22:29Okay.
22:29Yeah.
22:30Just want to make sure everyone feels safe.
22:32Yeah, of course.
22:32Sure.
22:34It might make more sense for you to start off upstairs.
22:37I know it's harder to defend a position at a higher altitude, isn't it?
22:39Yeah.
22:40Okay.
22:40Well, I'll take my shoes off and go upstairs.
22:42Yeah.
22:42Do you agree you can't really act this role?
22:45Part of you has to be it.
22:47Absolutely.
22:49Absolutely.
22:50Yeah.
22:51Yeah.
22:52Luckily, I'm already very experienced at navigating attacks of various kinds.
22:56Whether in the public eye or on the home front, as it were.
23:01Yep.
23:01You just got here.
23:02Oh, Mandarin Oriental.
23:03Sorted.
23:03Thank you for stopping out, Felicia.
23:04I'll speak to you later about the collar.
23:06All right?
23:06Bye.
23:07What are you showing me right now?
23:08It's a hotel.
23:08Okay?
23:09They do free stays for celebs like Michelle Yeoh, Diggity, fucking Northwest Nanny.
23:14And?
23:15Bro, your followers are blowing up.
23:16Okay?
23:16It's a five-star safe house.
23:18All of us, one week.
23:19It's free.
23:20Obviously, minus my costs.
23:21But...
23:21Yeah?
23:23Look, we're not going to a hotel.
23:24I'm dealing with it.
23:25I'm not going to get anything happen to you.
23:27You don't need to be afraid.
23:28I'm not afraid.
23:29What are you talking about, man?
23:40What the fuck's all this?
23:41What does it look like?
23:42Security, cuz...
23:43I told you that I had security sorted, so...
23:45Chill your pum pum out.
23:46Learn from the mandem.
23:47It's not a fucking movie, yeah?
23:48Oh, is it?
23:49What are you going to ask?
23:49Where you got this from?
23:50All this?
23:52Allah provides, bro.
23:54Does he?
23:54Yes.
23:54Does he provide discount rate mujahideen as well?
23:57I know these guys, bro.
23:57They're too thick to make it into ISIS.
23:59Which ISIS?
24:00ISIS-K.
24:00ISIS-L.
24:01OG ISIS.
24:02They've got different standards.
24:04I've heard.
24:08They don't need PhDs, do they?
24:09They're hard as fucking they're committed.
24:11Takbir.
24:12I'm not trying to start a madresa, yeah?
24:14I'm just trying to bring in some real, actual protection.
24:16If you could just listen to me for once.
24:18If I want your fucking protection, I'll ask for your extra small condoms.
24:22You like that one, don't you?
24:23Tiny lulli, yeah?
24:24Stop pressing me, cuz.
24:25I'm going to chat to Abba.
24:26We have to discuss this.
24:27I'm doing my birthday in every day.
24:30Baba?
24:32What are you doing?
24:33Any fucking bag of one could just walk in.
24:35That's because you've taken off the back door.
24:37That's why I've hired a professional.
24:38I'm a professional.
24:39I'm not doubting that.
24:40If you let me do it, then it would be better for everyone.
24:43Sean Conry to the rescue, is it?
24:45How do you understand that?
24:47Shah, you better be a janu and help me take this to the car.
24:50Let's go.
24:53Sixty people is a lot for Eid.
24:54Your mommy needs my help.
24:56What are you doing?
25:02Chill, mommy.
25:03You bastard, you chill.
25:04For twenty fucking years, she's been trying to steal Eid.
25:06Already bringing her country swelling.
25:08Kebabs.
25:09I like kebabs.
25:10What are you doing?
25:12Naila!
25:13It's a joint effort.
25:16I'm just doing my part.
25:17You've done so much.
25:19Shaju, take the pot, sir.
25:20Why are you giving Naila and D. more work?
25:22It's nothing, Daira.
25:23I was telling you.
25:25I could be doing so much more.
25:27Last night, sadly, it's no longer safe here, right?
25:30Why not move into my house?
25:32Who's not safe?
25:34Everybody stop.
25:35Can you stop here, Baba?
25:36Baba, can you just come here, please?
25:37Can you stop the work, everyone?
25:38Right.
25:38Let's have a little chat about Eid and the plan.
25:40What's your plan, yeah?
25:41What?
25:42Outsourcing our protection.
25:43There is free Mesa nonce.
25:44I'm not a nonce.
25:45Should've gone to the hotel.
25:46Nigel's here to help secure the house.
25:48Look, Daira.
25:49Nothing is ready.
25:50House won't be ready.
25:51Food won't be ready.
25:51Naila, Naila, please, Shaju.
25:53Sorry, guys.
25:54The prophet, please be upon him.
25:55Sorry.
25:56Exactly.
25:57Exactly.
25:57He said it best when he said,
25:59trust in Allah, but tie up your camel.
26:04My guy, he knows his stuff.
26:05You gotta hand it to him.
26:06I just want to say that holy days like this are an absolute lightning rod for bad actors,
26:10so perhaps you should think about moving your celebrations to a different location.
26:13Hey, Bencho, shut up.
26:14One layover in Dubai thinks he knows our business.
26:16No, I've got tremendous respect for Islamic culture.
26:18Especially after six tours of Afghanistan.
26:22So...
26:23This is a war camera.
26:26The heroes have a lot of pain.
26:28Naila Ji.
26:29We'll have to come back to you.
26:31Arraise, Arraise.
26:32Arraise.
26:32If something happened, you're responsible for your business.
26:35Okay, Naila Ji.
26:37Okay.
26:39Mommy, I didn't...
26:40Mommy!
26:41Mommy!
26:44Lovely to meet the family.
26:45Colorful lot, aren't they?
26:46They really get after it.
26:48And your brother, he seems nice.
26:51He's not my brother.
26:52He's my cousin.
26:53But he was raised with us.
26:54Okay.
26:54It's complicated.
26:55All right.
26:55Well, look.
26:56This is for you, as you quote.
26:59Although, I would be willing to postpone payment, you know, in consideration of the future work.
27:06Because if my internet searches are correct, then you will be needing our services a lot more in the future.
27:10Oh!
27:11Let's see what happens.
27:13It's really reasonable.
27:14Could you just leave it with me?
27:14I'm getting a few different quotes soon.
27:16That's fine.
27:16Okay.
27:17Oh, so did you want me to provide a personal for tonight?
27:20I can send one of my best guys.
27:21Bro, what you do?
27:22You asked me to do security, nah?
27:23For tonight.
27:24I did.
27:25Him?
27:25Yeah, so I won't be needing.
27:27Thank you for coming by.
27:28Yeah, no.
27:29Absolute pleasure.
27:30Yeah.
27:31Well, oh, by the way.
27:32I stole the dash cams.
27:33The battery life is...
27:34So, bring a charger.
27:36All right.
27:36You can have that for free.
27:38Cheers, Nigel.
27:39Why are you wasting your money on these render fees, bro?
27:42I've had your back since day.
27:53I heard you go into this garter tonight.
27:56On your own or...?
27:59I've got a plus one.
28:01Is it?
28:04You don't have any shoes on trainers.
28:07Can I arrange it?
28:09Go on, get ready, you fucker.
28:13Come on, man.
28:32Wait, that is a proper go fucker day.
28:34It's a good job I came to babysit you.
28:36Ah, bro.
28:36You might be taking care of the muscle,
28:38but I'm winning over the hearts and minds, yeah?
28:41When you're in the middle of a culture war that's the real battleground big man
28:44How are you gonna fucking battle them with your horny makeup face well?
28:47You know the face that you do when you're on a red carpet
28:49It looks like you're trying to shag that camera, but you're worried the camera's gonna shag you. No. I'm not
28:52Don't put that in my head right now. You're gonna put me off
28:55Okay, for confirmation. What is that? Yeah? What man? I look good there
28:59You look like you're making a pervy version of fucking planet Earth. Oh, let me just see something
29:04Raj Taka
29:05Motherfucker is all right. All right. Don't jizz on my level seats. You can't afford to clean your feet. Okay,
29:09listen
29:09Let's just go there and smash it. All right, but we are already fucking smashing it
29:13Okay, we are arriving in the Muba Prime experience. Look at this a lot of Harry Bowls
29:17Custom specifically branded thumbs on water your little mini dildo on the dashboard cuz look at me
29:22We are arriving like this is fast and furious, but without the four skins. You understand? Come on. Let's get
29:27it cuz yes
29:27Yeah, you ready? Yes, okay?
29:31Yeah, come on don't do that on the red carpet. I can't guarantee it
29:46There's a lot of excitement
29:47But also some displeasure at the idea of a Gujarati playing pond proving those voices wrong has been my life's
29:55mission
29:56How so?
29:57Well, it's why I want the role. It's why I'm here speaking to you
30:01Is that why you wanted to make a speech at the King's Museum Gala exactly to show people that this
30:07is what a hero can look like
30:09To show them that this too is what British looks like
30:16Hey, yo listen, I support the team I support the team but when you finish tonight, please get home with
30:22Muba, okay?
30:22That's for you
30:23Sorry, there's no service in your area. I'm Turkish. You're Turkish? Then there's service in your area. Thank you. Excuse
30:28me sister
30:30John
30:31Sure
30:32MC root
30:35Get a big
30:36You want to GP? I cut your next repair a youoking. Okay. Cause cause come in nervous on the phone.
30:41Come on
30:42Wait, bro. You ignore me probably gonna go man.
30:45Why are you going in there?
30:47Man, stole out
30:49You should be out here with us
30:51Yo, yo, yo, just read a photo with you. What's the problem?
30:54Bro. If I headed for a take with Emla, it's not it's not the right image. I'm going for right
30:57now
30:58All right, the real change happens in there. We got to get in there.
31:02Listen, I know you think you're his majesty's secret service or something, eh?
31:05But don't go full coconut pussy all around you tonight.
31:07Oh, yeah? Then don't go into father fuckboy on me, then.
31:10You want that respect, my guy? Keep it real, yeah?
31:12Okay, why don't you respect this? Watch and learn.
31:18You're doing it again?
31:18I'm not doing the face.
31:20You're doing the face again.
31:21All right, let me show you.
31:23Nah, you know what that is?
31:25You look like a paedophile germ, bro.
31:27Oh, there's cameras. Why would you say paedophile?
31:28Because they don't have sound. It's follow-up.
31:29Mr. Lateef.
31:30Hi.
31:31So happy to be here.
31:32So glad to be here. Thank you.
31:34This is my associate, Magra Machika Learn.
31:36Can I ask who I might speak to about my speech this evening?
31:40Oh, we don't have you done us doing a speech.
31:42Oh, I think it's because I'm a last-minute addition.
31:46Well, live in your new house, I suppose.
31:48Yeah.
31:49She's our new director.
31:50Okay. Oh, I'm guessing I have a plus one.
31:53Ah.
31:54Mr. Souflicard Elliott, CEO of Movie Enterprises.
31:57I just think it should be like an official record that I'm here tonight, so thank you.
32:02Cuz, where the fuck have you bought us, man?
32:04This looks like the Jarl's bull sack.
32:07You're from humble beginnings like me.
32:09So, how is your family dealing with all this?
32:12The same way we deal with everything.
32:14It's a team, together.
32:16I'm proud to say that we've all got each other's backs.
32:20Bro, this is mad.
32:22Yeah, I told you, bro.
32:22I've got stuff cooking.
32:23As-salamu alaykum.
32:24As-salamu alaykum.
32:25Sorry.
32:28All right.
32:30We've got to find this Vivian, yeah?
32:32Yeah?
32:33No point in me being here if I can't get on stage.
32:35There she is.
32:35Museum director, yeah?
32:37My God.
32:38The fuck are you, bro?
32:39Some ego, bro.
32:40Look at this.
32:41All right, listen, now.
32:42I'm going to go work on her.
32:43Hey, yo, yo.
32:43Should we take team her?
32:44What?
32:45Not like that.
32:46I mean, like, you convince her together, like.
32:47Good paki, bad paki.
32:49What would that be like?
32:52Like good cop, bad cop.
32:53I've got paki's.
32:55I've got this one covered, yeah?
32:57You sure, yeah?
32:57Yeah, yeah, yeah.
32:58In a bit.
32:59I'll be here.
33:01Sing, let me tell you about this.
33:03You said me anymore, mommy.
33:04So we're going to think I've been eating too complex.
33:07He didn't get it.
33:11I'm Vivian.
33:12Charlotte Eve.
33:13Oh, yes, of course, Miss Latif.
33:15I wonder if I could borrow you for a moment.
33:17Oh, absolutely.
33:18Although anything borrowed has to be given back now, apparently.
33:21What can I do for you, Miss Latif?
33:22I was actually wondering what I might be able to do for you.
33:25There's nobody like Muslims that can get you to where you need to be on time.
33:28Brother, we are on time for prayers five times a day.
33:30If you call me, brr, brr, Zulfi, can you get me to where I need to go?
33:34I'll get you there.
33:35This museum means a great deal to me, and I saw you had a number of protesters outside.
33:39Yes, and it thrills me to see young people engaging in a conversation about our shared heritage and culture.
33:45In fact, we invite this kind of dialogue.
33:47Is it a dialogue, though, if you don't have an ambassador of sorts to help bridge the divide between those
33:51on the inside and those out there?
33:53Who's your name?
33:54Ali Reza.
33:55Ali Reza.
33:55I'm feeling the Iran.
33:57Yes.
33:57Yeah, a bit of Farsi, my guy, come on.
33:59So we could be in that region.
34:01I, for one, would be honored to get up there and say a few words about how global Britain truly
34:07is, both in its artifacts and its people.
34:09You know, I'm an ape, then, Dian.
34:10I did not.
34:11Wow.
34:12What about yourself? Where are you from?
34:13London.
34:14You're from London?
34:15You sound...
34:17Wait, originally from London?
34:19But I understand your latest acquisition is from a Muslim country.
34:22Yes, but treasures like the one we're unveiling tonight don't just belong to Islam.
34:25They belong to us all.
34:27So I can go up and say a few words?
34:29I'll be very brief.
34:30No, Miss Latif.
34:32That's simply not how we do things around here.
34:34This isn't a pop-up Banksy exhibit.
34:35Besides, we already have our dear friend Raj Thakkar giving a speech.
34:38Enjoy your evening.
34:41And so I say to him, Your Majesty.
34:47And now, to the more uncomfortable part of our chat.
34:51You didn't think this was going to be all softballs, did you?
34:55Raj Thakkar, your rival?
34:57I wouldn't call him that.
34:59Come on, come on.
35:00You can be honest.
35:01I can't be in the same room as Ian Magneto McKellen.
35:05Oh, sorry, Sir Ian Magneto McKellen.
35:08I just think that there's plenty of room for all of us at the top.
35:12Oh, please.
35:13A day ago, you were the only brown bloke up for the job.
35:16And now, there are two.
35:18And word on the web is he'd make a better bond.
35:21Yeah, well, I don't really pay attention to what people say about me.
35:23It's just not in my nature.
35:25You should, old chap.
35:26He's a bigger name with a bigger fan base.
35:29And I dare say he's thought of as a better actor.
35:32That's subjective.
35:34Cut the camel shit, Latif.
35:36You couldn't even convince that museum director to let you speak.
35:40How do you expect to convince the world that you can be Bond?
35:44You don't stand a chance in a whore's pajamas, do you?
35:48You pussyhole.
35:50He's the god of this, you pussycunt!
35:55No use being angry with me.
35:58You only have yourself to blame.
36:00I'm trying.
36:01Try harder.
36:03Do you understand?
36:07Here he is.
36:08Hey.
36:09Hey, Charlotte.
36:10Man, I haven't seen you in a minute, bro.
36:12How's it going?
36:12Yeah, when was the last time I saw you?
36:15Mango Tree premiere.
36:16Yeah, yeah, yeah.
36:17Thank you for coming.
36:17Man, you were so good in that.
36:19Do you guys see that?
36:20Under the mango tree.
36:22So it's about this magical mango tree.
36:24This white woman eats a mango.
36:25She travels back in time to colonial India.
36:27Falls in love with this Indian guy.
36:29And they have this relationship over space and time.
36:31It's about her.
36:32Loves timeless and crosses all sorts of boundaries.
36:36I don't know why I didn't connect more.
36:37Actually, can I?
36:38Where are you from?
36:39Yeah.
36:39Just for it.
36:40Yeah.
36:40Thanks a lot.
36:42You look incredible, by the way.
36:43And very, very smart.
36:44Getting photographed in the tugs and holding that drink.
36:46I think it's just here to support one of our nation's most important cultural institutions.
36:53Just one thing's got people going mental, hasn't it?
36:56Yeah, people are passionate, man.
36:57It's just that the hate, though.
36:59The hate, it's a lot, right?
37:01I know you're probably getting a lot of that, too.
37:04Not really.
37:06Nothing to cry about.
37:07You just got to stay grateful.
37:09People are busting their asses at dead-end jobs just to put food on the table.
37:13We live in the dream.
37:14Yeah.
37:15Yeah.
37:15We are.
37:15Yeah, hate's a small price to pay.
37:17It is.
37:17It's just some psycho sent a pig's head to my mom's house.
37:22You serious?
37:23Yeah.
37:23Fucking hell.
37:24That's actually why I'm here.
37:26I want to show them that no amount of hate is going to make me hide.
37:30And actually, if this museum can house treasures from all around the world, then this country
37:34has to take in people from all around the world.
37:36Am I right?
37:37Yeah, preach.
37:38I just want to make a statement showing that this, this, too, is what British looks like.
37:43I love the passion, man.
37:45I'm so glad you said that because I heard that you're speaking later and I was thinking
37:48maybe we could tag team it.
37:49Yeah, that's a great idea.
37:51Yeah.
37:52You've got something important to say.
37:53I want to be a part of that.
37:54Yeah.
37:54I'll tell you what, why don't I go up first and then I'll bring you up.
37:57I would love that.
37:58Thank you, my brother.
37:59Yeah, yeah.
37:59I love that, man.
38:00Of course.
38:01I really appreciate it.
38:01There you are.
38:03Hey.
38:03I know you.
38:04Oh, this is my security guy.
38:05The Muba guy.
38:06Yeah.
38:07I overheard you chatting about it earlier.
38:08I love the concept.
38:09Thank you, brother.
38:09Yeah, yeah.
38:10Are you Muslim?
38:12Help me all.
38:12A little.
38:14Yeah.
38:14Have you got a card?
38:15I'll spread the word.
38:16Nice.
38:18Yeah.
38:19Okay.
38:19I've got to go.
38:20That's my mom.
38:21You brought your mom?
38:21Yeah, yeah, yeah.
38:23I wouldn't be here without her, so I shouldn't be here without her, you know?
38:26It's all thicker.
38:27That's me.
38:27That's me.
38:28Good to see you, man.
38:29Yeah, you too.
38:33He's either the sweetest twat I've ever met or the thickest twat.
38:37You're a thick twat.
38:39What?
38:39Security guy.
38:42That's all I'm to, Andy.
38:43You literally told me to bring you here as security.
38:45Why are you getting cranky?
38:46Oh, you haven't broken fast, huh?
38:48No, I haven't.
38:49Of course I'm hungry, man.
38:49Do you eat a canapé?
38:50Champagne, Jaluma.
38:51Just have a little canapé, bro.
38:54Just have a little something to eat.
38:56Nothing here.
38:56It's halal.
38:57None of the little things, the big things.
38:58None of it.
38:58Have some halumi.
38:59Halumi.
39:00Halumi's not Israeli.
39:01That's what they want you to think.
39:02It's an Arabic.
39:03Cheers.
39:04Prove it to me.
39:04Google it.
39:05You know I don't use Google.
39:11Too kind.
39:14Good evening.
39:14In 2001, we watched in horror as Taliban fanatics laid waste to a once great nation's cultural heritage.
39:25We wept as monuments to peace were turned to rubble.
39:30But tonight, we right this wrong.
39:33After a nine-year, 15 million pound restoration project, it is my honor to present to you tonight
39:40the restored Buddha of Bamiyan.
39:56And now an extra special treat.
39:59It is with great enthusiasm that I invite tonight's guest speaker to the stage.
40:04The most gentleman of Vampire Hunter I've ever had the pleasure of meeting, Raj Dakar.
40:16It's an honor to be here, I mean.
40:19Wow.
40:21This museum is home to artifacts from around the globe.
40:26And so it should follow that England, too, is home to people from those same places.
40:31And tonight is a celebration, but I would like to speak with you all about my experiences
40:35as an Englishman and as a person of color.
40:40Recently, racist hate took the form of a severed pig's head delivered to my family's doorstep.
40:51It was horrific.
40:53There was blood everywhere.
40:55My mother was left traumatized.
40:57Mummy, I'm sorry.
41:00But no amount of hate will make me hide.
41:03Those driven by prejudice, they need to see us in these spaces.
41:12And because this, too, is what British looks like.
41:21Excuse me, Mr. Latif.
41:23You have a situation?
41:24A man claiming to be your brother has been harassing and racially profiling museum guests.
41:29What?
41:30They're really doing very special work.
41:33Oh, and Shah Latif wanted to say something, too.
41:36I'm about to go on, man.
41:37Shah?
41:39Otherwise, we're going to have to escort him off the premises immediately.
41:42I don't know.
41:43I don't know.
41:44I don't know.
41:59So, let's talk about your big moment.
42:03The speech that never was.
42:05A silky bit of spycraft from Thacker.
42:07He's clearly made for the role.
42:10Not to mention, he can get the bleeding lines out.
42:15Nine?
42:16I can do better.
42:17I can.
42:18Can you now?
42:19Let's see.
42:21I also had a pig's head sent to my mom's house.
42:28I, um...
42:29Nice one, dickhead.
42:31You're more frozen than me.
42:33But it's not your acting that's the problem, is it?
42:36It's who you are.
42:39You don't have the balls to be bombed.
42:43Hey, yo, guys.
42:44I'm a meat one and only fan.
42:45You turned your back on your own fans.
42:48Man, slow down.
42:49You turned your back on your own family.
42:52I'm going to get the fuck with me, bro.
42:55Face it.
42:56People like you are never the heroes of the story.
43:00You'll always just be a scared little packy.
43:09Send him back where he came from!
43:17It's...
43:31It's...
43:41Yeah?
43:46You okay?
43:47Yeah, are you?
43:49What were you doing?
43:50Nothing. What were you doing?
43:52Nothing, bro. It's 2am.
43:54Were you talking to someone or what?
43:57Oh, sorry, man. I was just running late.
43:59In a suit?
44:00Costume, innit?
44:02All right, well, the moon's been sired, so...
44:06Eid Mubarak.
44:07Yeah.
44:08Night-night, you weirdo.
44:13Eid Mubarak, bitch.
Comments