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00:00Ladies and gentlemen, please make some noise to Mr. Jimmy Coyle!
00:14The power.
00:16Thanks for coming out. Merry Christmas, everyone. You all right?
00:19OK, so we've got an amazing line-up.
00:21We've got team captains John Richardson and Rob Beckett,
00:24Judy Love, Daisy May Cooper, Katie Norris, Susie Dent and Rachel Riley.
00:28That's for sure.
00:30Great to have you here.
00:35Christmasy.
00:44OK.
00:45Do you have one more?
00:46I'm worried I don't look Christmasy enough.
00:49Should we do this?
00:50Yeah!
00:51We should do this.
00:52Oh.
00:53Year home.
00:54No we won't.
00:56Go The Pink Martin.
00:58All right?
01:00No we don't have to try.
01:09All right?
01:10Hello and welcome to the 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown Christmas special,
01:33a show about letters, numbers, conundrums and Christmas.
01:36OK, let's meet tonight's players.
01:37First up, it's team captain, John Richardson.
01:45John does look like one of Santa's elves,
01:47but the one that works in accounts.
01:51Who would now?
01:54And John's team-mate, Daisy Mae Cooper.
02:01Daisy claims she once attempted to have sex with a ghost.
02:04I bet that put the willies up here.
02:07Up against them this evening, team captain Rob Beckett.
02:14Rob Beckett loves Christmas because of the huge smiles on his kids' faces,
02:18which, sadly for them, are genetic.
02:21LAUGHTER
02:24And joining Rob tonight is Judy Love.
02:29Judy Love attended drama school for four months but left after she fell pregnant.
02:34And that is as close as Hackney is going to get than a nativity story.
02:38So you're at drama school and you fell pregnant, so that's...
02:40Yeah, it was...
02:41That's a hell of an improv session.
02:43It was proper.
02:44It was live.
02:45Everyone enjoyed it.
02:46It was a different kind of show.
02:48Did you do any more acting after that?
02:51We could do an improv moment right now.
02:53OK.
02:54That night...
02:57It was so special to me.
03:01Wait, is he the dad?
03:02Yeah.
03:05John, have you ever been asked to turn on a town's Christmas lights?
03:09You sound very unwell, Jimmy.
03:11The voice box is the only thing you haven't had replaced and now look.
03:15LAUGHTER
03:18Yeah, I did a few last year, actually, but none of them have asked me back.
03:23I hooked them all up to spark meters.
03:27I had a few booked in this year but then Andrew became available.
03:33You can't beat a royal who wants to work cash in hand.
03:39All right, Daisy, what was it like growing up with your brother Charlie?
03:42Traumatic.
03:44Christmases were very traumatic.
03:46Our great nan came to stay with us one Christmas.
03:49I was about eight, Charlie was about five and we had bunk beds.
03:54Christmas Eve, we heard the door open and we thought,
03:57oh, my God, it's Santa Claus.
03:59Right.
04:00And it wasn't.
04:01It was our great nan who was naked, sleepwalking with night terrors.
04:06She just walked into our room and screamed.
04:09Horrendous.
04:10So what part of her made you think it was Father Christmas?
04:17The long beard.
04:19LAUGHTER
04:21It was awful, it was horrible.
04:24Rob, what element of Christmas would you ban?
04:27I would ban the snowman.
04:29The depressing cartoon?
04:30Yeah, that, it's on every year.
04:32Why?
04:33Shit!
04:35Chill away, it's a shit drawing.
04:37Like, we've got Moana now, proper CGI.
04:40Animation's moved on.
04:42I don't want to watch something worse at a special time.
04:44Do you know what I mean?
04:46So, yeah, I'll get rid of the snowman.
04:48Sorry, I've upset the entire nation.
04:50Do you like the snowman?
04:51Yeah, I do.
04:53He dies at the end.
04:54Do you not like that bit when he dies?
04:55He dies?
04:56Yeah.
04:57Oh, I'll watch it this year.
04:59LAUGHTER
05:01Judy, are you a good cook?
05:02Do you do Christmas dinner?
05:03Yeah, it depends on whether, you know, the spirit takes me in.
05:06The spirit is called rum.
05:08LAUGHTER
05:09Your food situation at Christmas, we've spoke about this before, is mental.
05:12How much food do you make?
05:13I mean, we do everything.
05:14We do rice and peas, then we do plain rice, then we do curry goat,
05:17and then we do jerk chicken, then we have fried chicken.
05:20But in the morning, we have fried fish, escolar fish with Ardo bread.
05:23We might have ackee and saltfish, then we kind of add our little
05:26British culture, which is a bit of toast.
05:29And then...
05:33Then we have dessert, we've got the black cake,
05:35we've got everything, fruits and cream.
05:36It feels like you could cut the plain rice course.
05:39Oh, no, no, no.
05:40This is a Jamaican house course.
05:42There's nothing plain in there.
05:43Even the plain white rice is seasoned.
05:45It's washed, it's got salt, it's got butter.
05:47You put a bit of wine.
05:48Oh, let's not go there, white people, please!
05:53You wash it, and then you let it bubble up, and you put butter,
05:55and you put salt, you put a bit of thyme, and I like to,
05:58with my plain white rice, I get a scotch bonnet when it's simmering,
06:01and I put the scotch bonnet in the middle and just let it simmer down.
06:04Don't let it burst.
06:05Let me tell you something, you will never, like they say,
06:07once you go black, you don't go back.
06:09Once you go white rice with a scotch bonnet, you won't go back.
06:12I'm telling you, I'm telling you.
06:14Try it, people!
06:15Sounds good, sounds good.
06:16Thank you, thank you for the one clap.
06:19OK, John, have you got a mascot?
06:21I have.
06:22What have you got?
06:23Well, it's all about Christmas traditions.
06:25For me, the best tradition of Christmas,
06:27it's when you get your Christmas morning bin bag.
06:29LAUGHTER
06:30APPLAUSE
06:39I start looking for mine about September.
06:42I'd start filling it with that suit.
06:44LAUGHTER
06:45So, you know, you've got to start thinking about what sort of load it's going to take,
06:50what thickness of bag you want.
06:52You know, you get the wrong Christmas bag,
06:54and the kids have been up at R5,
06:55your three Christmas bin bags in by six o'clock,
06:57you ain't coming back from that.
06:58Yeah.
06:59Christmas Day's over.
07:00Is that heavy duty?
07:01It's not full heavy duty, no,
07:02because then I think there's too much heft to it.
07:04Right.
07:05And it sort of takes...
07:06You want the crinkle.
07:07Yeah, yeah.
07:08Some of that Christmas...
07:09Are you struggling with that?
07:10It feels like you're struggling.
07:11I am struggling a little bit.
07:12LAUGHTER
07:13I don't think you've picked the right bag.
07:15LAUGHTER
07:16Oh.
07:17LAUGHTER
07:18Oh, I like that.
07:19Don't criticise his black bag.
07:21No.
07:22I've been having Christmas bags for years.
07:23You always remember...
07:24Oh, I get emotional looking at this picture.
07:26Your first Christmas bin bag is, erm...
07:29It's a real thing.
07:30LAUGHTER
07:31Is that...
07:33Is that really you?
07:34That's me, yeah.
07:35Which one?
07:37LAUGHTER
07:40Yeah, my sister's in that picture,
07:42but the, erm...
07:43The team have taken the decision to edit her out
07:45and put the bag where she was stood,
07:46so that's a...
07:47That's a conversation we'll have
07:49at my real family Christmas.
07:51LAUGHTER
07:52Er, Daisy, if you've got a mascot?
07:54Do you want to bring him out?
07:56Oh, this is my son, Benji,
07:58dressed as the Christmas pudding.
08:00Aw!
08:01Thank you, babe.
08:02Oh, hello, Poppet.
08:04He...
08:05Erm...
08:06Yeah, I...
08:07It's only because I sort of
08:08fucked up a bit with childcare.
08:10LAUGHTER
08:12I said, can I bring him?
08:15And they said, fine.
08:16And they said, have you bought a mascot?
08:18And I said, no.
08:19Yes.
08:20You'd be a bit scared of Jimmy earlier,
08:22won't you, darling?
08:23LAUGHTER
08:24He's not the Grinch.
08:25LAUGHTER
08:26Look, there he is.
08:27He's a nice man.
08:28You wave to him.
08:29Stop it.
08:30Hello!
08:31LAUGHTER
08:32Hi!
08:33How old are you?
08:34You are 17 months.
08:3617 months?
08:37Yeah.
08:38Well, talk me through the conception.
08:39LAUGHTER
08:41It was really great, actually.
08:43LAUGHTER
08:44In a travelodge.
08:46LAUGHTER
08:47Really, yeah.
08:48I've had the best times there.
08:51Straight talk.
08:52Are you 100% sure that's not Rob Beckett?
08:55LAUGHTER
08:57Show us your teeth, look.
08:59LAUGHTER
09:00That's so beautiful.
09:01Thanks, darling.
09:02He's not going to bite you, the nasty man.
09:05Can I ask you...
09:06Oh, darling, I'm so sorry.
09:08You don't want to go past him.
09:09And you've picked up a child before, have you?
09:11LAUGHTER
09:13APPLAUSE
09:15Judy, have you got a mascot?
09:19I have got a mascot, my Jamaican Crackers.
09:24LAUGHTER
09:25Yeah, I'm Jamaican, if you didn't know.
09:27It just brings you into, like, my kind of household
09:30and my vibes with different words and stuff that I can teach you.
09:34OK.
09:35So, put it open.
09:36Whoo!
09:37Now, can you read what that says?
09:40With your best Jamaican accent.
09:42Oh!
09:43LAUGHTER
09:45Bye, Rob.
09:46No!
09:47LAUGHTER
09:48Lickle more?
09:49Yes!
09:50Lickle more.
09:51Lickle more?
09:52Do you know what that means?
09:53A little more?
09:54Lick it more.
09:55Oh!
09:56No, it doesn't.
09:57Lickle more, yeah, it means a little more.
09:58Little more.
09:59Or you could say in the same thing, like,
10:01I'll see you soon.
10:02Lickle more.
10:03Like, I'll soon come.
10:04Lickle more?
10:05Gunfinger.
10:06All right, then, Rob.
10:07OK.
10:08Just going to carry it on.
10:09Rob definitely cancelled after that.
10:11Whoo!
10:12Merry Christmas.
10:13Let's see if John, let's give it to John.
10:16Yeah, say that.
10:17Go on, John.
10:18Yeah.
10:19Midea.
10:21Midea.
10:22Say it faster, though.
10:23Midea.
10:24Where are you?
10:25Midea.
10:26Midea.
10:27You can't see me here.
10:28Me here.
10:29You're there.
10:30Yeah, yeah.
10:31Say it with your chest, though, John.
10:33I'm here.
10:34I'm right here, Judy.
10:37You've missed that.
10:38Midea.
10:39Midea.
10:40Midea.
10:41Midea.
10:42Yeah!
10:43But, Jimmy, I will say you definitely know your language,
10:49because the other one is usually wagwana.
10:52You said it before even being prompt.
10:54So, big up yourself, Jimmy.
10:56Midea.
10:57Midea.
10:58Midea.
10:59Midea.
11:00Sometimes look at me like I'm some sort of bumbacot.
11:02Yeah.
11:03Midea.
11:04Midea.
11:09Rob, have you got a mascot?
11:10Can it not be racist?
11:11The answer's yes and then no.
11:14Yeah, I do have a mascot.
11:17What I've got is I was getting the Christmas decorations out the loft,
11:20as you do, and I stumbled across a box full of Christmas presents
11:24that I've got my wife and Lou in the past that she's never used.
11:27These are presents you bought for the good lady?
11:30These are presents I've bought for my wife that she doesn't want
11:32and I think she's bang out of order.
11:38It's already good.
11:39She's into arts and crafts.
11:41I've got her a seven-piece chisel set.
11:45This was a good one.
11:46Wood varnish.
11:49She kept on saying she wanted that fence painted,
11:51so I got this.
11:52She did fuck all of it.
11:56We wanted to try and spice things up in the bedroom.
11:58Right.
11:59You know?
12:00You're in a marriage, you sort of think...
12:01I don't know.
12:02So I got a little outfit.
12:03You don't know?
12:04What about spicing the things up in the bedroom?
12:06I'm not married.
12:07You have plain sex with a scotch vonnet in the middle, do you?
12:09I don't know.
12:10I don't know.
12:11I don't know.
12:12I don't know.
12:13I don't know.
12:17Anyway, so I thought I'll get her an outfit to wear for a bit of sexy time, so I got her this.
12:25But I thought that might be quite nice, a bit of role play.
12:27She never wore it.
12:28It's a piss take.
12:29It's a beautiful gift.
12:30You know, this one.
12:31She didn't want this one either.
12:32A bottle of champagne.
12:33What could be the problem with a bottle of champagne?
12:34Oh, that's nice.
12:35You know?
12:36What's the say on the label?
12:37To Rob, thanks for all your hard work on the BAFTAs.
12:47Jimmy, I'll have the wood varnish.
12:48He's do a...
12:49You do a recap.
12:54Over in Dictionary Corner, it's Katie Norris.
12:56Thank you, sir.
12:57Merry Christmas, Jimmy.
13:00Well, Merry Christmas to you.
13:01It's your first time on the show.
13:02Tell us a little bit about yourself.
13:03Well, my name's Katie.
13:05And people often think I've got divorced woman energy, but...
13:10I've actually never been married.
13:12And I'm not a mum.
13:13Just a woman with a tight snatch, a loose tongue and a social lie.
13:18Can I just get a bit of commotion for the outfit?
13:20Yeah.
13:26So, I only wear this for special occasions.
13:29There was a bit of an issue with the crotch, though, because it started to erode.
13:33But the designers sewed into my crotch a professor's elbow.
13:37You know, like a suede patch.
13:40Which does feel quite funny to me, because I'm not used to feeling a professor's elbow down there.
13:44But I wanted to feel confident.
13:46Could you tell us less about yourself?
13:53I've got a gift for you, Jimmy.
13:55Excellent.
13:56Christmas.
13:57It took me eight and a half hours.
13:58So I've recently trained to become a taxidermist.
14:00Um...
14:01Oh...
14:02Oh!
14:03Oh!
14:05This is Boo.
14:06Oh!
14:07Boo Radley.
14:08I mean, Boo Boo's showing her Boo Boo.
14:11Yes, her Boo Boo.
14:12Yeah.
14:13There's a squirrel's elbow down there.
14:14And with Katie, of course, it's Susie Dent.
14:23Susie's books make a great last-minute Christmas gift for people you don't like.
14:29What's your favourite festive word, Susie?
14:31Oh, wonder clout.
14:34And a wonder clout is something that looks really promising.
14:37You think it's going to be great and it ends up being really disappointing.
14:41Oh, I've got one of those.
14:42Yeah.
14:44Yeah.
14:45Actually, there is in wrestling, there is a Christmas hold,
14:48which is when one wrestler gets the other by the crotch,
14:51and so it's a handful of nuts.
14:53I think that's what your squirrel has.
14:55Was that nuts on the squirrel, then, or a bulky vagina?
14:58No, these are nuts.
15:01Did you just ask, was it nuts or a bulky vagina?
15:07I think it's a fair question.
15:08No, I don't.
15:09I don't think we're using the phrase bulky vagina enough on our Christmas show.
15:15And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
15:17I'm not saying Rachel's Christmas dress is short, but I think I can see her grotto.
15:30It's not bulky either.
15:31Thanks for sharing.
15:37Merry Christmas.
15:39Rachel, what is your favourite Christmas statistic?
15:43You know how people put food out for Santa and the reindeer, so some people put milk out?
15:47And apparently in the UK, 1.3 million cans of beer get put out for Santa on Christmas Eve,
15:52which is about 2.5 million units of alcohol.
15:55So, Santa's about 600,000 times the drink driver limit when he's going around up there.
16:02So, you can't even read that naughty list.
16:04Which explains why my little one gets presents every year and she's an absolute shit.
16:08LAUGHTER
16:14OK, and the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is definitely not an elf on a shelf.
16:19For legal reasons, it's the Countdown elf upon a mantelpiece.
16:23LAUGHTER
16:32Thanks for lending him the gear, John.
16:36OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
16:37Time for our first game.
16:38Rob, Judy, you get first book of the letters.
16:41Er, consonant.
16:42That's straight in.
16:43Thank you, Judy.
16:44R.
16:45You pick a pick.
16:46Can I get a vowel, please?
16:47Yeah.
16:48O.
16:49Can I have a vowel, please?
16:51E.
16:52Consonant, please.
16:53N.
16:54Am I still going?
16:55Yeah, it looks like it.
16:57Another consonant, please.
16:58C.
16:59Vowel.
17:00You.
17:01Do you want to go? No?
17:02Vowel.
17:03No, do you want to start writing it down, then?
17:05A.
17:06Oh, I thought I was saying that you was writing it.
17:07Vowel, please.
17:10Are you sure?
17:11Er, I wasn't, but now I am, just to piss you off.
17:13Yeah.
17:15And then, er, fuck it, another vowel.
17:17Yeah.
17:18I'm overruling.
17:19That would have a consonant.
17:20Yeah, to have four consonants on this game.
17:21T.
17:22Oh, I see a word.
17:23Oh, yeah.
17:24Merry Christmas, everyone.
17:25And for the first time today, here's the countdown clock.
17:39It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.
17:44Ooh.
17:45Everywhere you go.
17:49Today's been looking at five and ten.
17:52Listening once again.
17:54Well, candy canes and silver lanes aglow.
17:57It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.
18:02Toys in every store.
18:04It's quite hard to read.
18:05But the prettiest sight to see is the holly that will be on your own front door.
18:21Rob, what have you got?
18:22A four.
18:24Judy, how many?
18:25Seven.
18:26Seven?
18:27Yeah.
18:28Daisy, how many?
18:29I got six.
18:30OK.
18:31John?
18:32Rob, what is your broadcastable four-letter word?
18:35Car.
18:36Daisy, your six.
18:37Toucan.
18:38Mmm, nice.
18:39Judy, your seven.
18:41Counter.
18:42Oh, there you go.
18:44Oh, my God.
18:45Oh, wow.
18:47And John, your seven.
18:50Cartoon.
18:51Oh.
18:52Oh, my goodness.
18:54Wow.
18:55Seven points to both teams.
18:57Katie, Susie, what could they have had?
18:59Well, you could have had an eight.
19:01Oh.
19:02Ah.
19:03Courant.
19:04It's a 16th-century court dance.
19:07Short steps forward, short steps back.
19:09It's a bit mincing.
19:10I think you'd be quite good at this, Jimmy.
19:11A little...
19:12Christmassy.
19:13Very Christmassy.
19:14Nice.
19:15So, at the end of that, both teams have seven points.
19:16Well done, Judy.
19:18OK, on to our first numbers round.
19:20John, Daisy, your turn to pick the numbers.
19:22Would you like to pick the numbers?
19:23No.
19:24Two big ones, please.
19:27Three.
19:28Three.
19:29Five.
19:30Four.
19:31Fifty.
19:32And 75.
19:33And the target...
19:35667.
19:36OK, and your time starts...
19:38Now.
19:39.
19:40.
19:43.
19:45.
19:47.
19:53.
19:54.
19:55.
19:58.
19:59.
20:00.
20:02.
20:03.
20:04.
20:05OK, so the target was 667... Rob, did you get it?
20:15I got 669, so no.
20:18Judy, did you get it? No.
20:20Daisy, did you get it? I got nine.
20:22LAUGHTER
20:24I've written five plus four equals nine question marks.
20:28LAUGHTER
20:30Judy done that as 33, not two lots of three.
20:33LAUGHTER
20:35John, did you get it? 666.
20:38Ooh! Ooh!
20:40The number of the beast at Christmas, John.
20:44How could you? How did you do it?
20:46Five plus four is nine.
20:48Yep. Satanic.
20:5075. Evil.
20:52675. And then three threes are nine.
20:55Mm! Take it away.
20:57666. Wow. Seven points to John.
20:59APPLAUSE
21:01Rachel, could it be done?
21:04It could, if you say four times three is 12.
21:09Right.
21:10Times 50 is 600.
21:12Yes.
21:12And then add the 75 and take another three.
21:14What are you saying yes for? Yeah.
21:15APPLAUSE
21:17OK, so Rob and Judy have seven.
21:21John and Daisy have 14 points.
21:23Wow.
21:24APPLAUSE
21:26And here is your teaser.
21:27The words are, I rub snow, and the clue is the thicker the better.
21:31That's I rub snow, the thicker the better.
21:33See you after the break.
21:34APPLAUSE
21:35Welcome back.
21:50The answer to the teaser.
21:51The words were, I rub snow.
21:53The clue was, the thicker the better.
21:55It was, of course, unibrows.
21:57So, John and Daisy are in the lead.
22:00They've been playing in teams so far,
22:01but this game is just for Rob and Daisy.
22:04So, Daisy, your turn to choose.
22:06Three vows, please.
22:07Three vows. OK, three.
22:08I think this is the moment where we can get our points.
22:10You're not playing.
22:11And another one.
22:12E, U, E, and O.
22:15And the rest, the other ones.
22:17Whatever.
22:19We've got S.
22:20Wow, thanks for taking such an interest in it.
22:22G.
22:23We have V, N.
22:25Another S.
22:27Another G.
22:28Oof.
22:29OK, and your time starts now.
22:32MUSIC PLAYS
22:38MUSIC PLAYS
22:45MUSIC PLAYS
22:49MUSIC PLAYS
22:53Ding-a-ding-a-ding-gall-dee
22:54Ding-a-ding ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding.
23:00S what do I think do I think?
23:03Yeah!
23:03LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
23:08Nice.
23:10Oh, this is...
23:11This is a sweet ride!
23:16I've got presents.
23:19Is that for me or Rob?
23:20That's for you.
23:21Can I open it now?
23:22Yeah, I think that's a special point.
23:24Oh, my God. That's all I need.
23:26Oh, wow.
23:28Oh, was that the first facelift?
23:30This one...
23:32This one...
23:34Hang on.
23:38Oh, Jesus.
23:40OK, see, I got you that.
23:42Oh, what's this?
23:44Oh, my gosh.
23:46Oh, yes!
23:48Oh, yes!
23:50Let's give a look.
23:52They're not like... It's not like posed or cheesy,
23:54it's just...
23:56I could talk you through them, they're just candy shots.
23:58Oh, January, yes!
24:00I mean, Jimmy, why didn't I get one of those?
24:02Cos I fancy Jimmy.
24:04I really fancy him.
24:06Yeah, I can't talk when he's there.
24:08What is he like about him?
24:10I just think he's really fit.
24:12Oh, fuck.
24:14What...
24:16Which one of his faces do you like most?
24:18Yes.
24:19All of them!
24:20What's your biggest fantasy that you have about Jimmy?
24:23What's your biggest fantasy?
24:25He says,
24:26don't worry about the maths bit,
24:28and we just get it on into the desk.
24:35The thing is, he's going to use that when he's about 90,
24:37still doing TV.
24:39Driving himself in the studio like Elton John in a tracksuit.
24:43Oh.
24:46All right.
24:51Do you want to...
24:54Do you all come for a ride?
24:55I would love that.
24:56Yeah.
24:57Why not?
24:58Oh, are you getting in with him?
24:59Can you do the maths bit?
25:01Yeah.
25:06Look at that.
25:08Woo!
25:09Yeah.
25:10Charles did try and come inside there.
25:12Yes.
25:17Daisy.
25:18Oh!
25:19Oh!
25:24There you go.
25:25Oh, fuck.
25:26He's on route to acceptable.
25:27Oh, Daisy, how many?
25:30What?
25:33Oh, right, yes, letters.
25:35Do you remember the countdown?
25:36Do you remember the countdown?
25:37I got snogs.
25:38You got snogs?
25:39Did you?
25:40Did you?
25:41Did you?
25:42Did you?
25:43Did you?
25:56I'm a little bit frightened.
25:57No.
25:58You got snogs.
25:59You got snogs.
26:00OK.
26:01And Rob?
26:02I got five.
26:03Guess.
26:04Yep.
26:05Guess.
26:06Pretty good.
26:07I'm going to have to drop you home.
26:11Oh, I love this.
26:12Doesn't sound great, does it?
26:14Do you know I lost my virginity in a Cleo?
26:26Five points to both teams.
26:34Nice little Christmas drive.
26:36That was real.
26:37Good.
26:38That's fine.
26:42The Bipolar Express.
26:50Katie, Susie?
26:51Neguses.
26:52What?
26:53Neguses.
26:54Neguses.
26:55Yes, they are hot toddies.
26:57Hot drinks, port sugar, lemon and spice.
26:59Perfect for Christmas.
27:00Named after Colonel Francis Negus, who created it.
27:03So, at the end of that, Rob and Judy have 12 points.
27:05John and Daisy have 19.
27:12Well, it says here now it's time for John and Judy
27:14to go head-to-head in the maths.
27:16But is there any point of that?
27:18Should we just...
27:20Judy, your turn to pick the numbers.
27:22Three small and three big numbers.
27:25Three and three.
27:26We've got balance.
27:27Here we go.
27:28We've got ten, five, three, 75, 100 and 50.
27:33And the target, 957.
27:36Woo!
27:37Your time starts now.
27:42Click-clocking's turning me off.
27:50Help me.
27:51What's your name?
27:52Wait, wait.
27:53OK, so the target was 957.
27:55John, did you get it?
27:56I think I got 953.
27:57Judy, did you get it?
27:58Yeah.
27:59Yeah.
28:00Rachel, take it easy.
28:01Judy's got this.
28:02OK.
28:03What did Judy do on the board?
28:04What did Judy do on the board?
28:05LAUGHTER
28:07That's Rachel, right now, again.
28:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:09OK, so the target was 957.
28:10John, did you get it?
28:11I think I got 953.
28:13Judy, did you get it?
28:14Yeah.
28:15Rachel, take it easy.
28:16Judy's got this.
28:17OK.
28:18What did Judy do on the board?
28:19LAUGHTER
28:20I'm quite strange.
28:21She'll write it out again.
28:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:23Can I just make sure that Judy can't see Rachel's clipboard,
28:36just because I think they've probably both got it.
28:38Oh, you're a petty, petty man.
28:40I just...
28:41Please keep making sure that Judy doesn't see the answers
28:44because I would like to have a seven points.
28:47Because they are the rules.
28:49Fuck off.
28:50LAUGHTER
28:51Now it feels like Christmas.
28:54APPLAUSE
28:55I did...
28:56Come on, Judy.
28:57..10 times...
28:58..75.
28:59Yeah, is...
29:01..which is 750.
29:03Five and...
29:05..and eight and three, right?
29:07LAUGHTER
29:08Hold on, and I added 100.
29:11That makes what?
29:12Eight...
29:13..70.
29:14No, 50.
29:15What?
29:16Hold on.
29:17LAUGHTER
29:18No, two times 50.
29:21LAUGHTER
29:23That made nine, seven, five,
29:26and then I took the eight away,
29:28and then I took away the ten.
29:30LAUGHTER
29:329, 57.
29:34APPLAUSE
29:37Numbers, there's numbers.
29:39I used the numbers.
29:40Well, there isn't a two up there.
29:41Huh?
29:42Where was there a two?
29:43Who said anything about two?
29:44LAUGHTER
29:4550 times two.
29:46I don't know where...
29:47You need to sort your maths out, babes.
29:50LAUGHTER
29:51John, what did you get again?
29:52953.
29:53Go on, how did you do it for seven points?
29:55100 minus five.
29:5795.
29:58Times ten.
29:59950.
30:00Add three.
30:01953, seven points.
30:02Oh!
30:03Sorry!
30:04APPLAUSE
30:06I know how I got 920.
30:08Wait, hold on.
30:09No.
30:10Ten times...
30:11No.
30:12Can I just...
30:13Happy New Year!
30:14Yes!
30:15LAUGHTER
30:20APPLAUSE
30:21Rachel, could it be done?
30:22If you say 75 plus five is 80,
30:25100 over 50 is two,
30:28add it to the ten for 12,
30:30ties them together for 960
30:32and take away the three.
30:33There you go.
30:34I see it.
30:35APPLAUSE
30:36APPLAUSE
30:41OK, time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
30:43Katie, what have you got for us?
30:45Er, well, Jimmy.
30:46I'm a female comedian,
30:47so men are terrified of me.
30:48I don't know why.
30:49Um, you know,
30:50all I'm thinking when I meet a shy,
30:51introverted man in his mid-thirties is,
30:54speak up, you little simp.
30:55LAUGHTER
30:56What do you mean you don't know how to drive?
30:58Do you drive?
30:59Do you drive?
31:00I'm driven.
31:02LAUGHTER
31:04APPLAUSE
31:09So, I'm actually, er,
31:10I'm taking a short break from dating at the moment
31:12to focus on my career as a godmother.
31:14I love being a godmother
31:15because you don't just spread your legs
31:16and become a godmother, do you?
31:18LAUGHTER
31:19You're chosen.
31:20LAUGHTER
31:21Right, I think I'm going to sing now.
31:24Now, Countdown.
31:26Where would anybody want to become a godmother?
31:27Well, I'll tell you, darlings,
31:28it's the power,
31:29it's the prestige.
31:30Come with me to the bottom of the garden,
31:32let's go see the toads.
31:34Each of them used to be my boyfriend.
31:36What is one of those?
31:38A suitor, a sweetheart, a fella or a fellow,
31:40just make sure they're not a DJ of the techno.
31:42What's a DJ?
31:43A boy who cannot love.
31:44Now may I introduce you to Jordy?
31:46This toad is Simon.
31:47His pits were always smelly.
31:49Little Jason here lied to come upon my belly.
31:51Racist, sexist, crude and dry,
31:53poor Charlie had a chode.
31:54And this one's just a regular toad.
31:55I'm sorry.
31:57I'm sorry.
31:58I'm sorry.
31:59I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
32:00But I'm sorry.
32:01I'm sorry.
32:02I'm sorry.
32:03I'm sorry.
32:04I'm sorry.
32:05I'm sorry.
32:06I'm sorry.
32:07I'm sorry.
32:08And this one's just a regular toad.
32:10I'm your godmother now.
32:12Listen to my tales.
32:13Eat my wordy warnings.
32:14My magic never fails.
32:16God mummy, Katie, Biddle Diddle Dom.
32:18I am brilliant, amazing woman.
32:22Then why aren't you married, Auntie Katie?
32:27So I did sing that to my godson, Jasper, who's five.
32:42And he looked up at me and he said, Katie, do you have friends?
32:46I said, yeah, Jasper.
32:48I've got loads of friends because I don't have any children.
32:55Katie Doris, everyone.
32:58Woo!
32:59OK.
33:00So, Rob and Judy have 12 points.
33:02John and Daisy have 26.
33:04Wow.
33:05Dad.
33:06And here is your teaser.
33:09The words are elf's tits.
33:11The clue is, which way are they leaning?
33:14That's elf's tits.
33:15Which way are they leaning?
33:16It was, of course, leftists.
33:17OK.
33:18Before we go on, he's not on the show tonight,
33:19but he's turned up anyway.
33:20It's Joe Wilkinson.
33:21It's Joe Wilkinson.
33:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
33:24APPLAUSE
33:25Welcome back.
33:26The answer to the teaser.
33:27The words were, elf's tits.
33:28The clue was, which way are they leaning?
33:29It was, of course, leftists.
33:30OK.
33:31Before we go on, he's not on the show tonight,
33:32but he's turned up anyway.
33:33It's Joe Wilkinson.
33:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
33:35What?
33:36What?
33:37What?
33:38What?
33:39What?
33:40What?
33:41What?
33:42What?
33:43What?
33:44What?
33:45What?
33:46What?
33:47What?
33:48What?
33:49What?
33:50What?
33:51What?
33:52Great.
33:53Right, Jimmy.
34:07Just bought some eggnog, cos I love eggnog, so...
34:13What, Merry Christmas?
34:1617 00h...
34:18What's
34:28Although it can make my head swell up
34:33Basically, I'll be honest. I'm eggnog intolerant
34:38But it's Christmas so you can't not have eggnog, can you?
34:43You want to look quite a lot of eggnog there fabiage boy, but you're a bit more eggnog
34:48Oh
35:01Thank you, mate
35:09Joe what's going on? Oh, you wondering why I am Fabio brings his eggnog in his motorcycle cycle
35:16Yeah
35:18Because he's a fucking idiot
35:27What's happening? Oh, John's upset. Oh, yeah, I know it's John's upset. Oh, that's gone on it
35:33You can sense when someone thinks they can drink more eggnog than me
35:41It's his gift. Well
35:45John reckon you reckon you can drink more eggnog than me
35:47Well, all right, let's let's put your money where your mouth is
35:49Let's play a little game. I like to call can you drink more eggnog than me?
35:53Can you drink more eggnog than me?
35:55Can you drink more eggnog than me?
35:57Can you drink more eggnog than me?
35:59It's a simple game John. It's to see if you can drink more eggnog than me
36:01It's a simple game John. It's to see if you can drink more eggnog than me
36:05It's a simple game John. It's to see if you can drink more eggnog than me
36:11When you ready Jimmy?
36:13Gentlemen, your time starts now
36:19I can feel the boils swelling up on the back of my head
36:21Hold on, I can feel the boils swelling up on the back of my head
36:25That is not good
36:27Come on John
36:29It's definitely
36:31John you haven't even down the first one
36:33Come on John
36:39John come on
36:41Don't let me slow you down John
36:43Yeah, I think
36:45There's pus in the
36:47This is a very expensive suit
36:49There's pus in the eggnog
36:51There's pus in the eggnog
36:53There's some pus in the eggnog
36:55There is, I'm going to warn you
36:57There's pus in the eggnog
36:59There's pus in my hair
37:01Do you know what?
37:03To be fair to John, there is some pus in the eggnog
37:07Do you know what? Let's call it a draw
37:09There's pus in the eggnog
37:10We'll play
37:11Let's play Countdown!
37:21Okay, on with the game
37:22We were playing Countdown before whatever the fuck that was
37:24Rob and Judy
37:26Rob and Judy, your turn to choose
37:28Right, here we go
37:29Are you going to help?
37:30Alright, I'll have a little sit down
37:31I'll have a little sit down
37:32Okay
37:33Are you doing it, Jo?
37:34Yeah
37:35Can I get two vowels, please?
37:36Absolutely
37:37Thank you, Jesus
37:38I and an E, alright?
37:40Yes, please, yeah
37:41Three consonants
37:42Three consonants
37:43Seems too many
37:44P
37:45M
37:46W
37:48Or an H
37:49PH
37:50What's one of them?
37:51Three of them?
37:52Yeah, three of them, please
37:53That could be M's or W's
37:54It's up to you
37:56I like it when Rachel does it
37:58That could be one of those
38:00Where's the P?
38:01You had a P earlier
38:02Where's the P gone?
38:03Where's the P?
38:04It's absolutely none of your fucking music
38:08Write down your shit and I'll do mine
38:10Can I just confirm what we've got there?
38:12Can you read those letters to me?
38:14E umla
38:15Ouch
38:16M
38:17Umla
38:19A vowel, please
38:21A vowel
38:22Are we not having the P then?
38:24He's gone wrong
38:25Love all right, okay
38:28What's that one?
38:29Another bloody umla
38:32Okay, your time starts now
38:36I don't know what to spell it or subtract it
38:40Oh
39:04Rob how many?
39:05Four
39:06Four?
39:07Judy how many?
39:08Four
39:09Home is my four.
39:11John, how many? Five.
39:13Ooh. OK, Daisy?
39:15Five, if that's definitely a W.
39:18OK, Rob? C-O-M-E, calm.
39:21As in all ye faithful.
39:23John, your five?
39:24Chime.
39:25Chime?
39:27Oh, I'm Christmassy.
39:28Daisy, your five?
39:30I got whole.
39:32You got what?
39:34Whole.
39:34Can you stop trying to seduce me, please?
39:38Whole with a W.
39:40With an L?
39:41How did you get it? Oh, well, what's that, then?
39:43Oh, gosh, now I've got nothing.
39:46I'm afraid at Christmas there's no L.
39:48Oh!
39:50John Richardson.
39:56Five points to John and Daisy.
39:57Oh.
39:59Clap round.
40:00Katie, Susie, could they have done any better?
40:03Just vibes. Yeah.
40:04Could have had Homey. OK.
40:06John and Daisy are in the lead with 31 points.
40:09APPLAUSE
40:10And here is your final teaser.
40:15The words are...
40:16..and the clue is, it's very good for you.
40:19That's elf sex ad, it's very good for you.
40:21See you after the break.
40:23APPLAUSE
40:24Welcome back, the answer to the teaser.
40:40The words were elf sex ad, the clue was it's very good for you.
40:44It was, of course, flaxseed.
40:46OK, before we go on, as it's Christmas, let's play a quick game.
40:49I'll read out the first line of some classic Christmas cracker jokes.
40:52All you have to do is buzz in when you think you know the punchline.
40:55Could not be simpler.
40:56Five bonus points up on offer.
40:58So let's play Pull My Cracker.
41:05Annoyingly, it does that when I say Pull My Cracker.
41:12Probably best if no-one says it.
41:13Pull my...
41:14Cracker!
41:15OK, what comes at the end of Christmas Day?
41:28Father Christmas.
41:29And boys, er...
41:31Boxing Day.
41:34Any other guesses?
41:37Letter Y.
41:38That's the right boring answer.
41:40Yeah.
41:41APPLAUSE
41:43Why don't you ever see Father Christmas in hospital?
41:47BUZZER
41:49Because he doesn't believe in Western medicine.
41:52LAUGHTER
41:54That is the right...
41:56Yeah, that's the right answer.
41:57Is it?
41:58Yeah.
41:59BUZZER
42:00Because he's in good health.
42:01Yeah, I'll give you that.
42:02APPLAUSE
42:03Nice.
42:04APPLAUSE
42:06Christmas.
42:08What is white and minty?
42:10BUZZER
42:11Oh, my ass.
42:12Jimmy Carpenter.
42:13LAUGHTER
42:18Sorry, Judy.
42:19Judy?
42:20I was just going to say, Jimmy.
42:22What, white and minty?
42:23Yeah.
42:24Yeah, that's exactly how I imagine him tasting.
42:28LAUGHTER
42:30How's your son?
42:32LAUGHTER
42:34BUZZER
42:36Oh, Judy's gone.
42:37BUZZER
42:39BUZZER
42:44A polo bear?
42:46A polo bear is the right answer.
42:48BUZZER
42:49Oh.
42:50OK, Jon got the most right, so Jon gets the points.
42:52Oh.
42:53Oh, for Pete's sake.
42:54APPLAUSE
42:55Oh, my God.
42:56APPLAUSE
42:57OK, time for our final letters game.
42:59Jon, Daisy, your turn to choose.
43:01You're welcome to choose, but if you're just going to do that
43:03three vowels, five continents shit, I might do it myself.
43:04You do it yourself.
43:05Can we have four vowels and five continents, please?
43:07LAUGHTER
43:08I've got A, O, E, U, D, T, B, L...
43:11..and D.
43:13And a bonus T.
43:15LAUGHTER
43:16OK, and your time starts now.
43:26Oh, the weather outside is frightful
43:29But the fire is so delightful
43:33And since we've no place to go
43:36Oh.
43:37Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow
43:40Oh, the fire is slowly dying
43:43And, my dear, we're still good-bying
43:47Oh, God.
43:48It's quiet.
43:49I have to go get it.
43:50There's a lot, eh?
43:51Let it snow, let it snow
43:53Oh, God.
43:54Let it snow, let it snow
43:55Put up in a nightclub in Essex.
43:57LAUGHTER
43:59APPLAUSE
44:01Oh, God.
44:06Daisy, how many?
44:08Four.
44:09Four.
44:10OK, John, how many?
44:11Uh, seven.
44:12How many, Rob?
44:13Five.
44:14Five.
44:15Judy?
44:16Five.
44:17Your four, Daisy?
44:18Lube.
44:19LAUGHTER
44:20Rob, your five.
44:22Tubed.
44:24Tubed?
44:25LAUGHTER
44:26It's been tubed.
44:28Is that good?
44:29Yes.
44:30Actually.
44:31Judy, your five.
44:32Adult.
44:33Adult.
44:34John for the seventh.
44:35D-Dubbled.
44:37Whoa.
44:38Oh, my goodness!
44:39Seven points to John.
44:41Wow!
44:42I've got to get Jimmy, I've got to get Jimmy.
44:44On the count of three.
44:45One, two, three.
44:46Hail Jimmy!
44:47LAUGHTER
44:53Um, Katie, could they have done any better?
44:55Yeah, they could have had buttload for eight.
44:57Deadbolt.
44:58Is that a real word, buttload?
44:59Buttload.
45:00It is now.
45:01LAUGHTER
45:02OK.
45:03So, Rob and Judy have 12 points.
45:05John and Daisy have 43.
45:07APPLAUSE
45:12Now, as it's Christmas, you know we always do this on the show, yeah?
45:15Yeah.
45:16The conundrum at Christmas is worth 32 points.
45:18Yes!
45:19That's always been the tradition on this show.
45:21LAUGHTER
45:22So, for 32 points, here's today's crucial Christmas Countdown Conundrum.
45:27What?
45:28Oh, great, Rob.
45:29Sorry.
45:30LAUGHTER
45:31It's right there.
45:32R, E.
45:33Come on, it's right there.
45:34You can see it.
45:35I can see it, but I can't say it.
45:36They go round and round.
45:37Carousels.
45:38Carousels.
45:39Yeah.
45:40Yeah.
45:41APPLAUSE
45:42Yeah.
45:43APPLAUSE
45:44APPLAUSE
45:45Merry Christmas.
45:46Merry Christmas.
45:47Merry Christmas.
45:48Come on, it's right there.
45:49Come on, it's right there.
45:50You can see it.
45:51I can see it, but I can't say it.
45:52They go round and round.
45:53They go round and round.
45:54Merry Cycle.
45:55Sorry, sorry.
45:56Merry Cycle.
45:57Come on.
45:58It goes round and round.
46:00Oh, that's fine.
46:01Come on.
46:02Carousels.
46:03Carousels.
46:04Yeah.
46:05APPLAUSE
46:06APPLAUSE
46:11Merry Christmas.
46:12So, the final scores are...
46:13John and Daisy have 43 points.
46:14Well done.
46:15Which means our winners, Rob and Judy, with 44 points.
46:17It's a Christmas miracle.
46:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:19Congratulations.
46:20You want to have a proud own like this.
46:21The Countdown.
46:22Elf upon a mantelpiece.
46:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:24Thanks to all our parents, our wonderful studio audience.
46:25And to all of you for watching at home.
46:26That's it from us.
46:27Good night.
46:28And Merry Christmas.
46:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:32And to all of you for watching at home.
46:33That's it from us.
46:34Good night.
46:35And Merry Christmas.
46:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:41Thanks to all our parents, our wonderful studio audience.
46:43And to all of you for watching at home.
46:44That's it from us.
46:45Good night.
46:46And Merry Christmas.
46:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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