- 2 weeks ago
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00:00Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Ivo Graham!
00:30Thank you for saying yes to that, I love the colour orange.
00:47A few months ago my daughter, who is six, asked me if I had a favourite colour and I said
00:52that I didn't and my daughter, who is six, said, that's a pity.
00:57I didn't like her saying that.
01:00I don't want to be too much of a toxic man about it, but I don't want my six-year-old
01:03daughter to pity me.
01:04I said, don't pity me, darling, and that's actually one of the most pitiful things you
01:09can be overheard saying to your child at a playground.
01:14So I thought about it, I decided my favourite colour is orange for lots of reasons which
01:18I'm going to explain to you and I've committed to the bit, I've got an orange suit and I've
01:22dyed my hair orange and I've committed to the bit so hard that my daughter now pitied me
01:26for a completely different reason.
01:28I thought as well as talking about some of my favourite orange things, I'd ask you about
01:32a few of yours, we could have a few votes to get things going in the room.
01:35So first up, it's the big one, carrots versus baked beans.
01:41What a night you've come out for.
01:42We're going to do this via simple cheers, give me a cheer if you prefer carrots to baked
01:46beans.
01:47CHEERING
01:48Give me a cheer if you prefer baked beans to carrots.
01:53Pleased to hear it, I've got beans on my socks.
01:57Next up, a bit harder, chicken tikka masala against Aperol spritz.
02:01Ooh!
02:02Give me a cheer chicken tikka masala.
02:04CHEERING
02:05Give me a cheer Aperol spritz.
02:08CHEERING
02:09Felt like quite gendered votes, to be honest.
02:12A couple more, let's get out of the food realm.
02:15How about Garfield against Fantastic Mr Fox?
02:20It's not easy.
02:21We love them both, but you can only pick one.
02:23Garfield?
02:24CHEERING
02:25Fantastic Mr Fox?
02:26CHEERING
02:27CHEERING
02:28Sainsbury's v EasyJet?
02:31LAUGHTER
02:32They're flawed, but they're important.
02:35Sainsbury's?
02:36CHEERING
02:37EasyJet?
02:38CHEERING
02:39People of the Apollo?
02:41They're cheap, but they've got style.
02:43LAUGHTER
02:44Strava against the Netherlands?
02:47LAUGHTER
02:48Some of these are quite weird combinations.
02:50How do you even choose?
02:51Strava?
02:52CHEERING
02:53The Netherlands?
02:54CHEERING
02:55OK, some people are now visibly starting to wonder whether it's just going to be votes
03:00on orange things all night.
03:01LAUGHTER
03:02The votes are getting more complicated, they're getting more divisive.
03:04If I'm honest, I don't think you guys are ready for Hare Christmas.
03:07I'm going to tell you about a few of my favourite orange things.
03:09I'm going to tell you about my favourite orange crisps, which are, of course, Wotsits.
03:22Wotsits are the best orange crisps, they're the nicest, but also they're the most definitively
03:26orange crisps, because they make anything they come into contact with immediately orange for the rest of time.
03:33LAUGHTER
03:34I was getting a cab home from a night out a few months ago and I had a fun night,
03:37and so I decided to treat myself to a bag of Wotsits Giants for the way home.
03:42And if you don't know what Wotsits Giants are, you can work it out.
03:46LAUGHTER
03:47I got in the car and I said to the driver, do you mind if I eat my crisps in your car?
03:53And the driver said, I do mind, actually, and that really took me by surprise.
03:57You have to understand, people at the Apollo, I've lived a life with such relentless privilege
04:02and entitlement that the thought of being denied my car crisps didn't even cross my mind.
04:07I was congratulating myself on the politeness of having asked even as I opened the bag.
04:13LAUGHTER
04:14But the driver said, I've just had the car cleaned.
04:16And the car was looking clean and I said, I understand.
04:19But then he hammered the point home further with a sentence I'd been unable to forget since.
04:23He looked at me and then he looked at the crisps and he looked back at me and he said,
04:27You think you will not crumb, but you will.
04:30LAUGHTER
04:32And he didn't know just how true that was.
04:35I don't know how much you know about me and my life, I'm proud of a lot of things in my life,
04:39but I am leaving crumbs everywhere.
04:42LAUGHTER
04:45My favourite orange drink is Iron Brew.
04:48CHEERING
04:50It's a great drink, but admittedly, I am also saying that to appease any Scottish people in the crowd.
04:55Because I was doing a show about all my favourite orange things in Scotland
04:59for two weeks earlier this year, and it turns out that doing a show about your love of the colour orange,
05:03where you wear only orange and encourage people in the audience to wear orange,
05:06is quite controversial apparently in Scotland.
05:09It has some political historic connotations which I just wasn't aware of.
05:13LAUGHTER
05:15But I'd already bought all my orange clothes by then.
05:19So I guess it was a case of double down, dye the hair, skip the tour date in Belfast and get on with it.
05:25LAUGHTER
05:27If I can be a bit more serious for a moment, I'd like to talk about my favourite orange charity.
05:33My favourite charity, which has an orange colour scheme, is a charity called the MS Society.
05:37I'm an ambassador for the MS Society and I'm very proud to be an ambassador for the MS Society.
05:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
05:46You're nice to clap. It is obviously a biased choice. It's in the family.
05:50My mum has MS, multiple sclerosis. Please don't worry yourselves about that now.
05:54Obviously it's not ideal, but needless to say, I've got some cracking marathon times out of it.
05:59LAUGHTER
06:00It's actually been a brilliant few years for my mobility.
06:03LAUGHTER
06:06Some people are laughing at that, some people not so sure, admittedly.
06:09My comedy is a lot like multiple sclerosis in that it gets on my mother's nerves.
06:14LAUGHTER
06:15With witty repartee like this, you can see why I'm one of the MS Society's more controversial ambassadors.
06:21LAUGHTER
06:25I took my daughter and some of her friends to watch the London Marathon early this year
06:29and it was their first time watching the marathon
06:31and it's one of the most unifying and inspiring and heartwarming things you can go and watch.
06:35And I said, we're going to be part of the MS Society cheering station.
06:38And they didn't understand that, so I just said, we're going to be part of Team Orange.
06:41We're all going to wear orange clothes and you're going to be amazed when we get there.
06:45How many people are wearing orange clothes?
06:47And they were.
06:48They were wearing orange clothes and waving orange flags and holding orange balloons
06:52and eating Watsits and drinking iron brew.
06:55And when my daughter got there, she said, Daddy, there are so many people in Team Orange.
06:59And I said, that's right, the future's bright.
07:01And she said, what?
07:02And I said, never mind.
07:03It was a popular advertising slogan from the 90s.
07:07Some of the older people at the Apollo will understand.
07:10Thank you, older people at the Apollo.
07:13And we were all on the barrier, me and my daughter and her friends,
07:18and we were cheering for everyone running past.
07:20But I said to the girls, give a particularly big cheer for anyone who runs past in an orange vest
07:25because they're part of Team Orange.
07:27And we were cheering all of them and then occasionally someone would run past
07:30in an orange vest running for the Motor Neurone Disease Association.
07:34And I would lean into my daughter and her friends and I would say, not him.
07:38That man's representing a rival disability.
07:43That man is a charlatan in our colours.
07:46We give him nothing. Boo that man.
07:49I'm joking, of course.
07:52A lot of respect for the MND Association.
07:55But, historically, the MS Society were orange first.
07:58They're moving in on our territory and they need to back the fuck off.
08:02As you can see from one of the MS Society's more controversial ambassadors.
08:08I've been representing the colour orange all year.
08:11I did a show, as I say, about my love of the colour orange.
08:13This was the poster for the show.
08:15Just my name, Ivo, on an orange poster.
08:18My name, Ivo, in the Charlie XCX brat font.
08:21Which I think we'd all agree is very young and very relevant and very cool.
08:24Ivo on an orange background.
08:26Thrilling. No other detail at all. So minimal.
08:28Other posters, they went with things like the venue name,
08:32the time the show was on.
08:34Any other details about the show? Pathetic. Desperate.
08:37No, just Ivo. Nothing else. Not even a surname.
08:40I was a one-namer for the summer.
08:42Like a pop star or a Brazilian footballer.
08:45The emotional dysfunction of Adele.
08:47The erectile dysfunction of Pele.
08:49Ivo, pleased to meet you.
08:54I'm trying to hype myself up.
08:55I'm daring to dream that I might be the top Ivo in comedy.
08:58Maybe even the top Ivo in the country. Dare I dream?
09:01I was with a friend at the pub a few months ago
09:03and his friend wanted to add me on Instagram.
09:05It's not why I chat to people in the pub,
09:07but, yeah, sure, in some ways, mission accomplished.
09:09And his friend said, what's your handle?
09:11And I said, Ivo Graham.
09:12And he didn't hear my surname.
09:13And he said, can you type it in?
09:14And I said, just put Ivo, you'll find me.
09:16And our mutual friend, Johnny, said, just put Ivo, you'll find me.
09:21And I was like, yeah, when you repeat it back like that,
09:23it does sound quite arrogant, but in my defence, you will find me.
09:26You will find me.
09:27We're in the same city, in the same pub.
09:29We've got mutual friends at this table.
09:30What, you think Bulgarian clarinetist Ivo Puppasov
09:33is going to appear first?
09:35No.
09:36He's a very accomplished clarinetist,
09:37but he barely works outside of Bulgaria
09:39and he's got next to no social media presence.
09:41It's me.
09:47If you have any better Ivos, of course,
09:48you can suggest them to me on social media after the show.
09:50One person this summer suggested Dr Robotnik,
09:53the fictional character Dr Robotnik.
09:55The enemy of Sonic the Hedgehog.
09:57But if you do know him, you know him as Dr Robotnik.
09:59You respect the PhD.
10:03You might know him by his nickname, Eggman.
10:05You don't know him as Ivo.
10:06Sonic the Hedgehog was not seeing these posters
10:08around Edinburgh this summer going,
10:10I'd better keep a low profile this month.
10:12Robotnik's on the loose.
10:13No!
10:14He was thinking Ivo Graham must be doing a show
10:16somewhere at some time.
10:18Another very important thing in my life that is orange
10:25has to do with my hometown of Swindon.
10:27Now I'm aware I don't come across like I'm from Swindon
10:30and to be fair I'm actually from just outside Swindon.
10:33And there is a difference between being from Swindon
10:35and being just outside Swindon
10:37and that difference is several hundred thousand pounds
10:39worth of private education.
10:40I'm posh and I'm not proud of that.
10:44I'm a stereotype.
10:45I like cricket.
10:46I like skiing.
10:47I had to interrupt someone halfway through a story
10:49at a party recently to clarify which Rupert from school
10:51they were talking about.
10:55I don't know how many Ruperts from school you've got
10:57knocking around.
10:58One's ideal.
10:59Zero's a shame.
11:00Two is confusing anecdotally.
11:02I didn't know whether he was talking about Rupert
11:04who was a different year in my house or Rupert
11:06who was a different house in my year.
11:08I needed clarity.
11:11Was it Rupert who did A-level history with me
11:13or Rupert who caught me wanking?
11:15And I'm afraid that tragedy there is actually the same incident.
11:19It was the same Rupert.
11:20I got far too excited by the unification of Italy.
11:26It's a cheeky little joke at life at the Apollo.
11:28I've never wanked over Garibaldi.
11:31Not when much nicer biscuits are available at school.
11:33Am I right?
11:34Am I right?
11:35Not everyone will be on board for that and that's fine.
11:37Can't expect everyone at the Apollo to know that Garibaldi
11:40was a major figure in the unification of Italy
11:42and that Garibaldi's are a type of biscuit
11:44and that there's a vicious rumour going round
11:46that posh boys like to wank onto biscuits.
11:48But if you do know all three of those things,
11:51what a magnificent evening you must be having
11:54in the orange overlap of my comedy then.
11:58For balance, I'd like to talk about limes as well as oranges.
12:04And I'm afraid I'm not talking about the fruit,
12:06I'm talking about the e-bike to which they've given their name.
12:09Give me a cheer if you've ever used a lime bike.
12:11I've got some bad news if I'm afraid.
12:14I hate lime bikes and everyone who uses them,
12:17including myself, every single day of my pathetic life.
12:21I'm always on a lime because I'm always late
12:24and I'm always deluding myself that I can shave off
12:26maybe one or even two minutes of that lateness.
12:29At what price?
12:30Just the small price of my own personal safety
12:32and that of everyone else around me.
12:34People on e-bikes are not proper cyclists.
12:37Of course they're not.
12:38Proper cyclists hate people on e-bikes.
12:40Occasionally I will stop at a traffic light
12:42if I've even bothered to stop at a traffic light at all.
12:45And I will nod at some of the real cyclists as if to say,
12:48look at us on our bikes, chaps.
12:50And they'll look back at me as to say,
12:52look at you on your lime, you twat.
12:54There is no contempt in this world
12:56like the contempt from a man on an e-bike from a man on a Brompton.
13:00The Bromptonians hate the e-bike community.
13:04They look at us as if to say,
13:05you barely got off Instagram long enough to scan a QR code.
13:09I unfold this every single day of my life.
13:12I unfolded it this morning and then I folded it back up again
13:14for work and I've just unfolded it again
13:16to get me from FinTech to paddle
13:18with enough time for a Guinness Zero afterwards
13:21before I go home to put Archie to bed.
13:23And if you're one of those men, congratulations.
13:26My life would be so much better if I was 20% more like you,
13:29but I'm not.
13:30I'm on my e-bike.
13:32And sometimes I'm wearing a helmet
13:34and I feel good about myself if I'm wearing a helmet
13:36because I get to say one of my favourite motivational catchphrases.
13:39I'm not the lowest of the low.
13:41That's one of my favourites.
13:43It's not hard not to be one of the lowest of the low on a lime bike
13:47because there are people on limes plumbing new depths every single day.
13:51The other day I saw someone complete what I would call the hat trick.
13:54They were riding without a helmet.
13:56That's fine. I've done that myself.
13:57They were texting while riding. That's fine.
13:59I've done that myself.
14:00But then the big one.
14:01Wrap around noise cancelling headphones.
14:04Come on, chaps. The world is awful.
14:07We all want to die.
14:08But you've got to play a bit harder to get with the Grim Reaper
14:12than wrap around noise cancelling headphones on your fucking lime.
14:15The bikes themselves are in a terrible state of disrepair often,
14:19but you take them anyway because you're chaos and they're your best hope.
14:23Recently I spent 20 minutes riding an e-bike which didn't have a seat.
14:28No seat!
14:30Just 20 noble minutes riding the rod,
14:34thinking I guess this was what the boarding school training was for.
14:38I'm not proud of that joke, but I hope you can see why I felt I had to make it.
14:43And it was still nothing compared to an e-bike I'd taken some weeks before that
14:48which only had one pedal.
14:50Just the one!
14:51I don't know how much single-pedal cycling you guys have done in your lives,
14:55but needless to say, the foot on the pedal side does a fuck of a lot of the work.
14:59The other foot is reduced to, to coin a phrase, sort of flicking the nub.
15:05Just flicking away at the nub trying to make any connection
15:08with the internal mechanism of the bike.
15:11You have your basket up front, of course, your iconic green basket full of rubbish.
15:16Sometimes your rubbish, sometimes the rubbish of a previous user
15:19which you're not going to do anything about.
15:21I am little more than the temporary custodian of another twat's crap.
15:25The other day I was going to my daughter's concert on an e-bike.
15:30This was a big day.
15:31My daughter was going to be playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder
15:34in front of the whole school.
15:35And she was so excited to be playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder
15:38in front of the whole school, and her mum and I were so excited
15:40to watch Hot Cross Buns on the recorder for the final time.
15:44It had been a very hot and cross few weeks at Buns HQ.
15:50We were excited for the glorious swan song.
15:53As I crossed the park to my daughter's school on my line bike,
15:57I came across someone that I hadn't seen since university.
16:00This was not ideal with only a couple of minutes before the concert
16:03to run into someone I hadn't seen in over a decade.
16:06And our friendship even at university had been delicate
16:08because Christmas 2008 I had confessed to some feelings
16:11which hadn't been reciprocated and secret Santa was ruined for another year.
16:17And now suddenly there we were and I had to get off my bike
16:19and do the dance you do when you haven't seen someone in a long time
16:21saying, wow, what a small world, you live round here.
16:23Yes, and when my daughter goes to school just there,
16:25I've got a daughter that isn't crazy and she's doing a concert,
16:28Hot Cross Buns in a couple of minutes.
16:30I'd better, you know, park this old thing and get it over there.
16:32And it was humiliating and I could see her as I did this dance
16:35thinking he was a shambles in 2008 and nothing has changed.
16:41I don't know if you've ever watched the words bullet dodged
16:44pass through someone's mind while you're talking to them.
16:47And this was before she glanced into the basket of my lime.
16:52I'd either not noticed or forgotten what was in my basket that shameful day
16:55but I'm afraid to say what was in my basket was
16:57some chicken bones.
17:00You know, as in the bones of a chicken,
17:03gnawed away by one of my predecessors
17:06and now just glinting away in the new day
17:08without even the dignity or context of a box or a bag.
17:12And me trying to work out if it was going to add more or less dignity
17:16to the situation with a sentence that I hope never darkens any of your doors,
17:20those aren't my chicken bones.
17:31People in the Apollo, are you having a fun night so far?
17:35Are you excited for your first act of the show?
17:37She's not just one of the finest comedians working in the country,
17:41she's also one of my daughter's favourite comedians.
17:43Please make as much noise as you can for the wonderful Catherine Bohart.
17:47I am feeling my age. I am feeling my age mainly because I am now the older one in an age gap relationship.
18:00Thank you. Is anyone in an age gap relationship?
18:05Yes, that's what happens. Women woo.
18:09Men very coy, I've noticed. Men very coy.
18:12I think it's because men know when I date a younger woman in a young woman in a young woman in a young woman in a young woman in a young woman in a young woman in a young woman in a young woman.
18:19And when you do it, it's disgusting. I don't make the rules, I simply report on them.
18:37I am. I'm now the older one in an age gap relationship. I didn't think that was a big deal.
18:41I'm 37, she's 29. I didn't think that was a big deal. Didn't think it was a big difference.
18:45And then I went to her house share.
18:49No, it's fine. It's nice. It's dry sometimes. I like it.
18:53But you've got to be polite. Don't you have to be kind when you go to somebody else's house?
18:56So I was sort of desperately looking around for a compliment.
18:59We were in the kitchen and I said, oh, that's a nice plate.
19:02And she said, thanks. We found it.
19:08I said, what?
19:10She said, we found it. I said, no, no, I'm not that old. I heard you.
19:15What is it you're saying to my face?
19:18She said, oh, well, it's just that my housemates and I didn't have enough crockery.
19:22So we just went out and foraged for some.
19:27Interesting divide in the Apollo now.
19:30The older people are like, what is the lesbian saying?
19:34The younger people are like, yeah, street stuff, sure.
19:38What I'm saying to you is that she went down to the streets of East London.
19:40Of course, it's East London. We're gay and she has a lovely mullet.
19:46She went down to the streets of East London. She looked down upon the pavements.
19:48There she found plates.
19:49She took those plates home and now she eats food from them.
19:54Really?
19:57Six months in, I've been actually been kissing me with a street plate mouth.
19:59The other big age gap, if I'm honest, is that she is young enough and cool enough that she's willing to be friends with her exes.
20:08No. Thank you. Yes, that's a young person's game. That's not for me.
20:12I'm never sure if this is an age difference or a cultural difference.
20:15I can't be friends with my exes because I'm, well, because I talk about them on stage.
20:19And that's because I'm Irish and I come from a storytelling culture.
20:25Whereas my girlfriend's English, so she's very comfortable pretending to be friends with people whose lives she's historically ruined.
20:36That's nice.
20:40Also, I don't know if you know this, but it's sort of a classic lesbian trend to stay friends with your exes.
20:45Do you know that?
20:47The men in the front row staring at me like, absolutely not. No.
20:50Yeah, it is. Of course it is.
20:51Because how else are you going to keep the football team together? Do you know what I mean?
20:56The league's not going to run itself, is it, lads?
20:59But it's not for me. I'm with you. It's not for me.
21:01In fact, this whole thing makes me feel very bisexual. I don't like it.
21:05I actually, I'm sorry to say it, I think it makes lesbians bad friends in a breakup.
21:09Right? Because you call a lesbian when you've had your heart broken, she'll say hurtful things.
21:12Things like, oh my God, how is she? Are you guys going to meet up for coffee? Coffee? I don't need coffee. I'm fueled on rage.
21:21Little tip from me to you, if you ever have your heart broken, call a straight woman.
21:26Oh my God. Those girls really come into their own in tragedy, don't they?
21:31Call a straight woman when you have your heart broken, they will say the same thing every time.
21:34They will say, meet me at midnight. Bring everything she's ever touched. Tonight it burns. Yeah.
21:44Proper allies. I love it.
21:46The real problem though, of being the older one, the burden of being the older one, is that you have to be the kinkier one.
21:51Yeah, you have to be. If you're the older one, you have to be the kinkier one. I have to be the kinkier one because my girlfriend is in her twenties.
22:00Right? She still finds sex in and of itself exciting. Can you imagine? Plain sex, no toppings.
22:08You can't feel that way when you get to your mid-thirties, right? You get to 35 and you're like, okay, let's talk value added, yeah?
22:15What is it you can do for me that I cannot do for myself?
22:19I've become like a 1950s New York casting director. I'm like, show me something I ain't never seen before, kid.
22:26She, on the other hand, young, sweet, romantic, all of her favourite positions have us looking into each other's eyes.
22:31Ooh, hell. Recently I suggested we try something mildly kinky. Don't panic, gents. I'm not going to say what it was. Mildly kinky.
22:41She instantly went, oh God, no. I felt judged. She could tell I felt judged. She tried to make it better. She panicked. She went, but we're gay.
22:50That's weird. I don't know if you've ever been negotiated out of rimming with homophobia, but nobody wins.
22:59And it's very tough to take from a woman who eats dinner off plates she found on the street.
23:05Actually, it's tough. It's tough. I introduced her to my parents recently. Not because I wanted to, but because you must.
23:12And my mum geared up to a chat she hadn't had before. It was very interesting.
23:16Do you ever watch a parent gear up to a chat and you think, ooh, we're starting this. I wonder if you know how to finish it.
23:22She went, um, so...
23:24Like, would you say you two girls? Would you say you two girls? Would you think you two girls? Would I say you two girls?
23:28Would you think you two girls would just hate you two girls? Do you think you two girls would ever want to have kids?
23:30want to have kids okay Geraldine let's dance
23:38now we said something she wasn't expecting at the same time my girlfriend
23:42and I both went yeah maybe she did not see it coming and I want to defend my
23:49mother a little bit that's actually fair enough I've never expressed any interest
23:52in becoming a mom before now but equally people aren't usually shocked when I say
23:56I want to be a mom and I think that's because I have the energy of a woman who
24:00already has three children right who works at their school sit up straight
24:04okay I'll wait good lad he won't bend I like it but it is I know who I am my
24:14mother on the other hand shocked with her whole face and body she just went good
24:19yes good yes good yes good yes good yes good yes good yes good yes good yeah
24:26good yeah that's so good good yeah
24:31how good question theft I assume I don't know everyone assumes lesbians know how lesbians
24:41get pregnant I haven't a notion I was taught science by Irish nuns in the 90s also call
24:47me a traditionalist but I assumed my mother would tell me how to get pregnant not the other
24:50way round also she's one of the straights they're the experts aren't they any straight
24:55people in give me a cheer it's thrilled about it all right but you're always at it right straight
25:01people in my opinion get to have the best kind of pregnancies you can have which are of course
25:05accidental they are it's the dream but my girlfriend's never gonna believe I slipped on a
25:11turkey baster so it's not happening for me I will say by the way I have given motherhood some thought of
25:17course I have I'm a 37 year old woman right your body makes you even if you don't want to think
25:22about it it's like how you have to dance when Shakira says her own name twice right it's like a biological
25:27imperative it happens it happens I will say and I'm wary of saying this because I thought there'd be more
25:33trust in the room by now I will say I think lesbians have overthought the project I do that is why most
25:42lesbians I know have at least considered whether or not their brother would make a good father
25:49you full open mouth relax no guys come on relax you don't have to fuck your brother your girlfriend does
25:58that's the science obviously now that we've had the baby chat it's interesting right I didn't realize
26:06how much admin there was in becoming a queer parent first thing you have to decide of course is who's
26:10having it and obviously straight people don't have to decide that because it's always the stronger
26:14one lesbians obviously do and now that we've said we're open to it oh my god people keep asking us
26:25the weirdest questions they keep going well which of you'd like to have the baby which of you wants
26:29to carry the baby that's how they ask it indeed which of you'd like to which of you wants to men in the
26:36room if you could which of you'd like to any of you want to know the same silence every night obviously I
26:50don't want to either I don't know how we've convinced women it's a treat except we lie don't we we lie to
26:57their pregnant faces we're like oh my god you're glowing she's not did you know that the blood in
27:06your body doubles when you're pregnant yeah the blood in your body doubles when you're pregnant she's not
27:12glowing she's fucking throbbing and I want no part of it no part of it the problem is this my girlfriend
27:21also wants no part of it so now we're in full-on negotiations obviously I'm older so I'm desperately
27:27hoping I'll age out come on I'm just putting SPF everywhere that's not my ovaries I don't know anything
27:33about science and I won't learn but it is it's tricky the real issue that we have to be honest with you is
27:41that the only lesbians we know who have any children did so on a pact and the pact they made was that one of them
27:45would have the first kid and the other would have the second so obviously they've got one fucking
27:49kid because what woman's watching that being like me next being a lesbian is just two women being like
27:58after you no please after you then of course you've got to find sperm and I've been very clear with my
28:05girlfriend we will not be foraging for that it's actually why I'm here tonight no can you imagine if I
28:13like I'm here to milk this boy no he didn't say no but no you do you have to forage for sperm in a
28:24way and has anyone been on a sperm bank no fair enough they're strange places initial perusal not
28:32because we're doing anything yet but because I have a shopping problem and they're very odd places sperm
28:38banks they're very odd places I've had a little peep what I don't like about them in my opinion is that
28:42they remind me of online dating you know and that you have to sort of believe men when they fill in forms
28:47and it just doesn't seem plausible to me that that many men over six foot have hobbies
28:53I'm sorry but honestly the men on sperm banks have so many hobbies and they're desperate to tell you
28:59about them of course they are to be fair otherwise all you know about them is that they've had a wank
29:03and want to be an absent father and that's a crazy profile to have on there but here's the thing Apollo
29:09here's my problem with sperm banks it's that 10 minutes in every time I'm on there every single
29:14time at the same time I get sad I get sad because it occurs to me that there must be men under six
29:19foot donating sperm and nobody's taking it it's just being left there in the freezer like sad little mini milks
29:35and then every time it occurs to me fuck I'm gonna end up choosing sperm out of pity
29:45and then I'm no better than my straight friends
29:49Apollo you've been very nice and thank you so much for coming out good night
30:01up
30:03you ready for your second act of the show
30:18oh
30:19and keep that noise going in the room for the outstanding the incomparable the maestro Navel
30:27Alejandro Reci!
30:50Let's stomp.
30:55Alright, goodnight.
30:57What's going on? You good?
31:00So hi, my name is Nabil. I want to apologize. If I come across as standoffish or unfriendly, it's because I am.
31:07You know, I just can't handle this many people being happy to see me. Because outside of this, nobody is ever this happy to see me.
31:15Not even in my own house. I swear, I don't know what it is. Whenever I walk into a building, people assume I'm there to protect it or rob it, right?
31:24Sometimes I get bored and I do both.
31:27Let me see your pockets.
31:33You know, I'm trying to be mature now. Trying to be sensible, reasonable. You know, I'm a father. I've got two beautiful daughters that I know of.
31:42I'm joking. I'm joking. I'm joking. I'm joking. Good Muslim boy. Just the two children of my wife who I've been my two for 15 years, okay?
31:51No, yeah, yeah. No haram babies anywhere, inshaAllah.
31:55But like, you know, being a father now, I'm worried. Because you look around the country, you see there's all kinds of stuff.
32:04You know, there's all kinds of stuff going on. And it makes me worry about my kids. Because it is a very tough time to be. It's always been a tough time to be a woman.
32:09But it's more so now, I believe. It's getting worse. And, you know, people don't seem to care. The people who do, they pretend, do to push some sort of agenda.
32:18They don't really care about girls that look like mine. And that makes me paranoid when I do the school run.
32:22I'm paranoid. And I'm worried about things when I do the school run that a father of a 10-year-old and a 7-year-old should not worry about.
32:28I'm scanning the streets looking for drug dealers, gang members, murderers. And it's tough. Because I love my friends.
32:33Because let's be real. That's the biggest danger to your kids. That's the biggest danger to your family. Right?
32:46Your friends. Not the internet. Not gluten. Not podcasts. Your friends.
32:51My friends come in two categories. Semi-retired roadman. And conspiracy theorists.
33:02And I'm not going to lie to you. I prefer bumping into the roadmen. Because they don't waste your time.
33:07They've got crimes to go supervise. Right?
33:10Yo, walk one, big man. Hello, princess. Here's 300 pounds. Buy something for yourself.
33:16Aye, big man. Here's a watch I got earlier today. You didn't see me, bruv.
33:21But conspiracy theorists always want to waste your time. Have you noticed that?
33:26Who here has a conspiracy theorist friend? The one that fucks up the group chat every single time.
33:32If you don't know who that is, you believe in chemtrails.
33:35All right? Now, has anyone noticed how since the pandemic, since the lockdown, they've all gotten crazier?
33:43Right? My friend went into the pandemic as Anthony. Came out as Lord Shambhala.
33:49Bro, this guy is gone. Finito. Kaput. Gone.
33:53Like, you know when they're so far gone, that they don't even do small talk anymore.
33:59They just want to tell you everything they learned on TikTok the night before.
34:04Now, I'm doing the squirrel with my daughters. I see my friend Shambhala across the street arguing with himself.
34:09I'm not too big for my friends, because I'm a nice guy.
34:13So, I'm like, hey, Shambhala, what's happening, man? You good?
34:17This is him.
34:19How can I be good? How can I be all right?
34:22When the Illuminati... Oh, my God.
34:24This madman starts to cross the street.
34:28Big Mantang! The Illuminati is trying to kill me, bruv!
34:31The Illuminati... All six foot nine of him.
34:33Cars just swerving, narrowly missing this idiot.
34:36The Illuminati is on a Big Mantang. They're trying to kill me.
34:39I said, bro, calm down.
34:42Nobody's trying to kill you, brother.
34:44You're trying to kill yourself.
34:46You just crossed a busy South London street
34:49without looking at traffic lights.
34:52Spliff in hand.
34:56Aye, big man.
35:03Man don't watch traffic lights to dictate my movements.
35:10You see the red light, green light thing?
35:14That's an Illuminati MK Ultra thing, bruv.
35:17Look it up, bruv.
35:19Haven't you watched that Chinese documentary?
35:22The Squid Games?
35:27I said, but that wasn't Chinese.
35:31And it wasn't a documentary.
35:32He said, yeah?
35:34How come this has come out?
35:36I'm seeing red light, green light on all the roads.
35:43I said, they're traffic lights, man.
35:45They've always been there.
35:47He said,
35:48that's what they want you to think.
35:55Without missing a beat.
35:56Aye, big man, don't take the vaccine, you know?
35:59Don't take the vaccine, you know?
36:00Don't take the Ross Clark vaccine.
36:02I said, why not?
36:04He said,
36:05do you even know what's in the...
36:07Do you even know what's in the vaccine?
36:25I said, bro, do you know what's in that place you're smoking?
36:28Because I'm not going to lie, that thing looks spicy, bro.
36:34That's why I don't like talking to you.
36:36You're always asking man bare questions.
36:38Too many questions.
36:39Suck your mum, listen.
36:40Obviously,
36:42obviously,
36:43obviously,
36:47obviously,
36:49the vaccine
36:51is liquid 5G blood.
36:57It's a population control thing.
37:01I said, this guy,
37:03what does liquid 5G have to do with population control?
37:06He said,
37:06that's why I don't like talking to you.
37:08He's asking man bare questions.
37:10Too many questions.
37:11Suck your mum, listen.
37:14Obviously,
37:15they're injecting us with the vaccine
37:17to turn us gay.
37:21I said, bro,
37:23let's pretend that that's not scientifically impossible
37:25or mad homophobic
37:27because if we don't,
37:28there's just too much to unpack.
37:30I just have one question
37:36regarding your theory.
37:39If the vaccine is meant to turn us gay,
37:44what happens if you're already gay
37:46when you take the vaccine?
37:50This guy looks at me like
37:51I'm the one that's mad, you know.
37:53He said,
37:54that's why I don't like talking to you.
37:57Always asking man bare questions.
37:59Too many questions.
38:00Listen,
38:01obviously,
38:02if you take the vaccine
38:05and you're already gay,
38:12it makes you five times more gayer than you were
38:15before you took it, bruv.
38:20Think, bruv.
38:22Why do you think they call it 5G, blud?
38:24Stands for 5G
38:37and he just walks off.
38:39My daughter says to me,
38:40Daddy,
38:41what's wrong with that man?
38:45I said several things.
38:47Now, before I go,
38:50I want to say this.
38:50Those of you who have kids
38:52in your family,
38:53you know,
38:53you might be a godparent,
38:54an uncle,
38:55an auntie,
38:55you might be best friends
38:57to a parent.
38:57Please,
38:58if you have children around you,
39:00teach them to be decent people
39:01from when they're little.
39:02Okay?
39:03Don't wait till they're 14
39:04and already a wanker.
39:05They'll come and ask me
39:17to come to their school
39:18and talk to them.
39:19I'm not going.
39:20They have weapons.
39:21Are you mad?
39:22I'm not going.
39:24I said,
39:24it's because I'm,
39:25you know,
39:25obviously man's a birdman,
39:27but...
39:28Don't laugh.
39:30I'll have you know,
39:31I'm very gangster.
39:32Now,
39:33I was out of my door,
39:34so I like Google Images
39:36showing me this collation
39:37of images and videos
39:39I took years ago.
39:39I was out with my daughters.
39:40I like to take them out
39:41on daddy-daughter dates,
39:43right?
39:43And as we're walking,
39:45we were walking down
39:46West Croydon High Street,
39:47of all places.
39:48It's like Rome.
39:49All roads lead to it.
39:52You laugh now,
39:53but one day
39:53you will find yourself there,
39:55I guarantee you.
39:56And as we walk down the street,
39:57we walk past a homeless man
39:59who was on the floor,
40:00begging,
40:01because we have a massive
40:02homelessness crisis in Croydon.
40:03And as we walk past this man,
40:05my daughters point to him
40:06and say,
40:06Daddy,
40:07what's wrong with that man?
40:08And I said,
40:09Girls,
40:09he's homeless.
40:11He doesn't have the privilege
40:12that we do.
40:12Disposable income,
40:14family support,
40:15a home to go to.
40:16But we mustn't look down on him,
40:18because just because
40:19he has less than us,
40:20does not make him
40:21less than us.
40:23The same God
40:24created us all.
40:24And my daughter said,
40:34Dad,
40:34can we have some money
40:35to give to them?
40:35And I said,
40:36sure,
40:36because we are Muslims
40:37and it's a big part of our faith
40:38to give to charity.
40:39So I gave them a pound each
40:40and they went to this homeless man
40:41and they gave it to him.
40:42He smiled and thanked them
40:44and they ran back to me.
40:45They're like,
40:46Daddy,
40:46look,
40:47he's happy.
40:48On that day,
40:49my daughters were happy
40:50to do something for someone
40:51that was in no position
40:52to repay them.
40:54And I was the proudest
40:55father on earth.
41:05Until they ruined it.
41:08Because they looked back
41:09and he was still there begging,
41:10right?
41:10My daughter said,
41:11Hey, Daddy,
41:12I just gave that man
41:13two pounds.
41:15Why is he still outside?
41:16Why is he bought a house?
41:18Why is he bought a car?
41:19Why is he still begging?
41:21And I thought,
41:22Oh shit,
41:23I'm raising Tories.
41:24And I...
41:25I said,
41:34No, no, no, no, no,
41:35you have to understand.
41:36Okay,
41:37the money we gave him
41:37is only enough
41:38for his immediate needs.
41:39If we really want
41:39to make things happen,
41:40we need to tear down the system
41:41and get rid of all
41:42these corrupt politicians.
41:43Nah,
41:44nah,
41:44that's it.
41:45Nah.
41:45Why does he...
41:47Everybody is quiet
41:47they give him two pounds.
41:49I said,
41:49Don't be silly,
41:50we can't give him
41:50that much money,
41:51he might buy drug shit.
41:52Now I sound like a Tory.
41:54See,
41:55that's how they get you.
41:56It's money.
41:56That's how they...
41:57Now while I'm trying
41:58to explain how the world
41:59works to the little one,
42:00the big one pipes up.
42:02Daddy...
42:02I don't know
42:04why she sounds like that.
42:06It's her mum, man.
42:07Proper grammar school girl.
42:08Anyway,
42:08Daddy...
42:09Daddy...
42:10Are you listening,
42:12Daddy?
42:12What about this?
42:13Why don't we give
42:14everything we have
42:15but don't need
42:16to people that need
42:17but don't have?
42:18Then nobody be poor
42:19and everybody be rich.
42:20Oh, shut up,
42:21you little hippie.
42:22I...
42:23I didn't actually say it.
42:25I haven't talked to my girls like that.
42:26What I said is,
42:27no, sweetheart,
42:28we can't do that, okay?
42:29We can't...
42:29We can't have a society
42:31where everybody is rich
42:33and nobody's poor.
42:34It's not sustainable.
42:35She said,
42:35why?
42:39Because it's a socialist
42:40Marxist fantasy.
42:42To which she replied,
42:44so...
42:45what's wrong with that,
42:48Daddy?
42:50Fucking hell.
42:54Sometimes as parents,
42:55you just have to be honest, right?
42:56There's no copper.
42:57I'm her source of information
42:59and wisdom.
43:00I can't run away
43:00from this responsibility
43:01but I also have to be honest, right?
43:03So...
43:04I was.
43:05She said,
43:06go on, tell me, Daddy,
43:07what's wrong
43:08with socialist Marxist fantasies?
43:11And I was honest.
43:12I looked it in the eye
43:13and I said,
43:15that's why I don't like talking to you.
43:16Always asking my...
43:17LAUGHTER
43:18APPLAUSE
43:20Nabeel Abdul Rashid!
43:28APPLAUSE
43:29People of the Apollo,
43:32have you had a fun evening?
43:34Yeah!
43:35Please cheer as loud as you can
43:36one more time
43:37for Catherine Fohart
43:38and Nabeel Abdul Rashid!
43:40CHEERING
43:41I've been your host,
43:43Ivo Graham.
43:44I hope to see you again.
43:45Good night!
43:46CHEERING
43:47And I'll FRENCH
43:52and get all the people
43:53going on.
43:54And they don't
43:55today's on TV
43:56and they don't
43:56work
43:56fifteen
43:57and three
43:57and a half
43:58Because I'm sorry
43:58tidak
43:58because I'm dancing
43:59trying to believe you
43:59that was a compliment.
44:00And then they can't bring him
44:01in a wide as much
44:01because it
44:02would have pretty much
44:03and could also be
44:04if he's a real
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