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00:06in New York City's storied underground our radical movement gathers again because
00:12what if I said I worship a white queen our mission to liberate society from its
00:20gravest stupidest ills our secondary mission keeping Andy Vega below the
00:25earth's surface so he can't be extradited in just a moment for brave abolitionists
00:30will face off against each other and the political establishment in an attempt to
00:34win this cartoonist sack of cash with a dollar sign on it and an invitation to
00:39our world championship season finale but to do it they'll need to convince the
00:44crowd on the other side of this curtain this is the fight of our lives this is
00:49the future we've been waiting for this is abolish everything
01:03tonight's abolitionists Sofia Manfredi Tej Conner Jason Siegel and Rose Kelso
01:22thank you so much for watching abolish everything I'm your host Chandler Dean
01:30before we begin I am ashamed and disgusted yet required by our twisted system to
01:35introduce the political establishment
01:41Glo Tavares Jamie Lynn Watson Brielle Demergen and Chief Justice of the
01:51political establishment Andy Vega look at these people I'm gonna be subpoenaed 20
01:59years from now about why I appear in so many pictures with them I'm out of
02:05competition but I will be delivering this evening's first testimony are you
02:07ready to abolish everything
02:11then without further ado my time starts now my friends we are what we consume
02:18and because we control what we consume it means we have some agency over who we
02:23are unless of course we were constantly being force-fed the stupidest digital slop
02:29imaginable in a mass unrelenting effort to monopolize our attention that is
02:35why we need to abolish the for you page
02:43let me pick what I see the internet used to be a place we opted into you would sit
02:52at your computer and you were in charge you could go to any website YouTube do
02:59anything you wanted watch people play Donkey Kong 64 and there was no limit to
03:04what you could achieve eat Oreos and drink Dr. Pepper while watching people play
03:07Donkey Kong 64 but now the internet comes to us at every other moment the
03:14self-inflicted electronic tumor that is in each of our pockets insists we must
03:19learn that the Chicago Pope is kiki-ing on call her daddy
03:26AI plankton has the voice of an angel
03:30Jimmy Carter is dead
03:34the D'Amelio's have consolidated their power and eaten Addison Rae
03:40get ready with me to blind rank the Pixar mommies based on how thick they are
03:46follow whatever accounts you want the for you page doesn't care the follow button
03:50is a placebo like the closed door button on an elevator or the unsubscribe button from
03:57Chandler Dean's email lists
04:02we don't decide what we watch the algorithm reads our mind and gives us what
04:06we really want but here's the thing I want to get bored
04:15because when I am bored I get to move on with my life
04:20one time I got so bored that I cleaned the bathroom
04:24folks I need this to happen a second time
04:28now you may be thinking Chandler what if this set pops off on the for you page
04:35that's the promise of it isn't it
04:38the lure of possibility the potential that any one of us is one great post away from
04:45becoming the hawk to a girl but activists
04:51this is an illusion my friends
04:54for a creator the for you page is a slot machine for your entire sense of self
05:00we cannot all become online influencers who pump out self-indulgent content
05:06call it art and make millions while the rest of the world suffers
05:11I still have a chance but you
05:14you do not
05:15but if we're being totally transparent I don't think this set will succeed on Tik Tok
05:19because according to the AI powered creator assistant
05:22which gives you advice about how to make your content go more viral
05:25I don't do enough physical comedy and exaggerated facial expressions
05:32to make my humor accessible and engaging
05:35I have not come up with the funny catchphrase that would inspire viewers to follow my account
05:42indeed I have been encouraged to experiment with different comedy styles
05:46like good ones
05:50and if that didn't work I could encourage viewers to share their funniest joke in the comments
05:57or hey forget the comedy just have them share their favorite celebrity moments
06:01or even their travel plans
06:06if I did everything the for you page wanted me to do
06:09this is what this show would become
06:31do it
06:33do it
06:34do it
06:34do it
06:35do it
06:35do it
06:35do it
06:37abolish everything
06:38I can't even abolish my damn wife
06:41yeah
06:45yeah
06:47share your funniest
06:48timothy chalamet japan recommendations in the comments below
06:53abolish the for you page
06:55I yield my time
06:57yeah
06:59the political establishment will have four minutes to rebut me and their time starts now
07:03I gotta say that was the best thing you've ever done in your life
07:07yeah
07:07yeah
07:08oh my god
07:09Chandler
07:10oh my god Chandler that was a beautiful work of art
07:12I don't know what the fuck you were talking about before that
07:14oh my god
07:14I could not
07:16keep up
07:16you were talking and talking and blah blah blah blah blah
07:20but man that pie
07:21wow
07:22you're covered in a bizarre sauce man it's beautiful this is gonna crush online
07:28I can't live like this forever okay let's say it does go viral I gotta do this every time
07:33no
07:34yes
07:35yeah
07:35no
07:36stop
07:38yeah
07:38Chandler you would not believe how much white liquid I get on my face so I can go viral
07:45a lot of
07:46a lot of which speaking of speaking of
07:48I make most of my money on Instagram if we're supposed to ban the FYP page how am I supposed
07:55to sell my probiotic guns and my organic bikinis
07:59you don't want women have jobs
08:01wow
08:02wow
08:03Chandler
08:03most women have jobs on Instagram
08:08Jamie the content you've described would be an instant hit on so many subreddits you do not need tiktok
08:13you could go find the freaks yourself and you can skip the algorithm altogether
08:17Chandler which subreddit specifically it seems like you're familiar with them
08:21the for you page is there to help you discover discover and be more than what you currently are
08:27are you afraid of growth Chandler do you think you're done evolving because that's a very naive take I would
08:32say
08:32Chandler you want to fog up your glasses by removing the for you page of life
08:41uh I really don't know what that means but in response to Brielle's question
08:45I don't think the for you page opens my mind more it's giving me the slop that like my body
08:51like wants
08:52have you talked to someone who is under the age of 22 years old who has been raised on one
08:58of these things
08:59yeah uh skibbity toilet Chandler
09:01you and skibbity toilet would make a wonderful couple Chandler
09:05you I've never seen you look this good
09:08but that's what you need to look like to make it big on the FYP
09:13you need to be authentic you need to rip yourself apart and throw yourself into the algorithm
09:17so we can sell more ads like supplements to people who don't ever make eye contact
09:25the thing is that you angered the algorithm gods
09:27so now you won't go viral because you talked shit on them okay
09:31you need to do this four more times to appease them again
09:35so please could we bring out wet water liquid milk or whatever the fuck
09:40one more pie
09:41one more pie
09:43one more pie
09:44one more pie
09:46one more pie
09:46one more pie
09:47one more pie
09:47one more pie
10:05here let's welcome Sophia Manfredi
10:16give it up for Chandler
10:19hashtag pie dance currently has 11 trillion views
10:24Antarctica
10:29Yes, let's go!
10:33The land of glaciers, the land of penguins, of elephant seals, the only animal that asks
10:39the question, what if gonzo were left in formaldehyde to be studied?
10:46It's home to untold natural wonders unlike anywhere else on earth, and tourism is booming
10:51there, but I'm here to say proudly and firmly, abolish going to Antarctica.
11:03And before you assume this is not about the environment, I don't care about the environment.
11:11I want to get ahead of that, okay?
11:13What I care about is limiting man.
11:18More generally, we shouldn't just get to go everywhere.
11:21There are some things that you don't get to experience, including the end of the earth.
11:26Does this mean that I have a profound moral concern with space travel?
11:30Obviously.
11:31And again, I don't mean it in a way that's like, oh, we can't take care of the one planet
11:34we have, why would we be in trust with it?
11:36I mean it in a way that's like, no, you don't get to do everything you want to do!
11:40Stop!
11:47Does this also mean I think they should have left the Blue Origin gals up there?
11:51Goes without saying.
11:54Does this mean I think NASA shouldn't exist?
11:57That I am in a protracted online debate both with people who think the moon landing happened
12:01and the people who think it didn't happen?
12:03That I recently ended my brief but wild fling with Buzz Aldrin?
12:08Yes, we met on Raya.
12:11My point is, some things should be left unexplored.
12:15This logic applies to Antarctica, space, the deep ocean, Mount Everest, the closet in your
12:20grandmother's house that she always regards with sorrow and fear, and gulches.
12:27Are there exceptions?
12:29Yes, there's one exception.
12:31I want to be abundantly clear, I have no problem with Ernest Shackleton going to Antarctica.
12:38He and his 27 men watched their ship slash home be crushed by ice, and then they survived
12:44for six months on top of the frozen ocean, and then before it melted, Shackleton managed
12:49to get them all to a small actual island of land, where upon their arrival, one guy did
12:54go insane and immediately kill a bunch of seals with an axe.
12:57That is true.
12:59Then, Shackleton and a few others navigated 800 miles of some of the roughest seas in the
13:04world in a fucking rowboat to get help, and he did, and five months after that, the men
13:09were all rescued, and miraculously no one died during all of this, and when they got back
13:14to England, no one cared because World War I had started.
13:20Insane.
13:25If you don't experience that, you don't get to go.
13:29If you don't undergo this transition, you don't get to go.
13:35If you don't eat the sled dogs that you have grown to love, yes, that's true!
13:41You don't get to go!
13:43Do I understand the pool of Antarctica?
13:45Do I yearn for the jaw-dropping landscapes and the unbelievable, almost alien wonder that
13:51sits at the bottom of the world?
13:52Did I go sort of insane during the pandemic and ultimately get so obsessed with Ernest
13:57Shackleton that I had eBay alerts set up for various 19th century Antarctic publications?
14:03Yes, we all did.
14:06We all paid $400 for something called the South Polar Times while unemployed.
14:13But does that mean it's okay that my aunt and uncle went to Antarctica to celebrate their
14:1750th anniversary?
14:19Also, yes, they've had a beautiful marriage.
14:23But it's just them and Ernest Shackleton, and the rest of us stay where we are intended.
14:27I yield my time.
14:38Sophia, typically, typically when we're mad at other people for their actions, it's because
14:43we've created a rule for ourselves that we can't do it.
14:46And we're angry that we're watching someone break a rule that we've made up in our head.
14:50So I want to know, since you say you don't get to do everything you want to do, who told
14:54you that you can't do everything that you want to get to do.
14:56Because can I tell you, you can do whatever the fuck you want to do, girl.
14:59I'm not a religious person, but I feel like God.
15:03You know, like it just feels like a rule that's part of the universe.
15:06And you also don't care about the environment.
15:08You put that in plain text.
15:09So I'm getting a lot of anger from your presentation.
15:13And it just feels like projection.
15:15And it just feels like you feel as if you aren't allowed to do these ambitious, huge
15:19things.
15:20You can free yourself.
15:23Go out.
15:23Do whatever you want.
15:24The world is burning.
15:26Don't sit down and be like, I'm going to follow the rules.
15:28Because, girl, no one else is.
15:36I love when Brielle does stuff like that because she sounds like the cheater girls to me.
15:42When she says stuff like that, it's really inspirational.
15:46So ultimately, I feel like going to Antarctica has created a lot of awesome art.
15:59Antarctica.
16:01Totally.
16:02If it wasn't for Antarctica, how would we have screensavers?
16:08If it wasn't for Antarctica, how would we have my favorite documentary, Happy Feet?
16:14I mean, but think of all the other beautiful places that you could travel and take photos
16:18to for a screensaver.
16:19You could go to Yellowstone.
16:21Happy Feet could not happen in Yellowstone.
16:23I'm sorry.
16:24It literally couldn't happen there.
16:25Happy Feet is a beautiful story.
16:28Documentary.
16:28It's a documentary of a real penguin colony who falls in love via dance.
16:33And there's one penguin.
16:34He can't, he can't sing.
16:36Sorry, they fall in love via singing.
16:38Singing.
16:39Well, but there's dancing too.
16:41But he can't sing.
16:42He sounds like a horrible chicken whale.
16:45But he can fucking dance.
16:49Yeah.
16:50And if we lose that, we lose everything.
16:54I would dance right now, but the floor is incredibly sticky with pie.
16:58And so I am afraid to kind of be moving around.
17:01Well, that's not our fault.
17:05I want to go.
17:08And like...
17:09I want to go too.
17:10I want to go.
17:11I want to go.
17:12You guys can't go.
17:14I want to go.
17:14I want to go.
17:16I want to go.
17:17I want to go.
17:17And you can't make me not go because I don't want to fucking go.
17:20And that's it.
17:21I have nothing interesting or good or a good point.
17:23I just want to do it.
17:24I want to fucking go.
17:25And you can't fucking make me not go.
17:27Because I can do whatever I want to go.
17:28Did you want to go before I said this or did I make you want to go?
17:31But you told me not to go.
17:33Fuck.
17:33You told me not.
17:34I don't like the cold.
17:36I don't like the snow.
17:37I don't like none of that shit.
17:38But now I'm going to fucking go because you told me I can't go.
17:41I'm going to fucking go.
17:42If you go in like a wooden boat and you don't have a waterproof jacket, you're allowed to go.
17:47No.
17:47I'm going with a fucking cruise ship that's going to kill everybody.
17:52That's time.
17:53That's time.
17:56Our next abolitionist is part of the performance group Chicken Big.
18:00Give it up for Tej Connery.
18:12We're looking very handsome, Chandler.
18:15A very important fact about me, I have a white queen.
18:22It's true.
18:23If that's illegal, lock me up.
18:26Yeah, I'm in a long-standing relationship with a white woman.
18:30And honestly, sometimes I tell audiences that and they react a little too well.
18:36I think what you guys gave me tonight is perfect.
18:39One time I said that at a show and I got a standing ovation.
18:43And I thought to myself, actually you guys, I have to leave right now.
18:49For my own safety.
18:51Yeah, so I am in a serious relationship with a white woman and it's getting more serious.
18:58And so I am here to say, abolish interracial breakups.
19:04No more of that.
19:07Boo.
19:10Boo.
19:12All right, the first reason I have is interracial breakups are hateful.
19:20Let's talk about what a breakup is.
19:23What is the shape of a breakup?
19:24A breakup, it's a transformative violent act that transforms lovers into exes.
19:30If we have a white partner and they break up in an act of violence with, let's say, their
19:38Indian boyfriend, something about that doesn't sit right with me.
19:44Now, the next reason I'm arguing here is they are not fun.
19:50And this I know personally because I experienced one of my own.
19:56For a brief three-day period in June of 2024, while I was experiencing a society-induced breakdown,
20:04I personally experienced an interracial breakup.
20:07And I will say, it was so bad, truly one of the worst experiences of my life,
20:13and that's coming from a man who has broken a bone.
20:17It's not been so easy for me.
20:22Luckily, it was brief, and it ended in a wonderful, what I like to refer to as an interracial reunification
20:28incident.
20:31And so, this brings me to my next reason.
20:35Interracial breakups are regressive.
20:37Can we all agree that interracial relationships are progressive?
20:43Yeah, that's right. That's technically right.
20:47As the world becomes more globalized, we'll see more and more interracial couples as we progress into the future.
20:54Yes? We agree on this?
20:56And so, my idea here is that as there are more and more interracial couples,
21:01us as the human race are all converging into one amazing, beautiful, sort of tan, something in the middle,
21:12that will be the final human race.
21:18No, that's what it says.
21:21And once we reach that stage, and this is just sort of an interesting point,
21:25the new interracial relationship will be between someone from the human race and someone from an alien race.
21:34And then we'll really see who's progressive.
21:38We're just gonna go for it.
21:41Race science.
21:44And, okay, here, calm down.
21:47And you know what? You guys took it pretty well, honestly.
21:51I really made that slide, and I was like, I'm gonna have to put in a slide to tell people
21:55to calm down,
21:56but you guys actually really liked it.
21:58So, now I know what kind of room I'm in.
22:01Okay, where were we? Race science.
22:02Now, this is sort of my idea about the human race.
22:05Oh, my God.
22:07Now, calm down, okay?
22:10Now, using science, we can create the baby of the future.
22:14I'm gonna do a scientific proof for everybody.
22:16Let's take my couple, for example.
22:17We have a white person dating an Indian person, right?
22:20They have a baby.
22:22That baby, and this is sort of a well-known thing, would be called Windian.
22:27Right?
22:28We know Windian. We know this.
22:30It's a common idea.
22:31Now, let's continue onward, right?
22:34So, say we have a black and an Asian person in a couple.
22:37Now, that baby would be what is referred to commonly as Blasian.
22:42So, that's gonna be a Blasian baby.
22:44Okay, interesting.
22:46Now, what happens down the line when the Windian baby and the Blasian baby grow up,
22:53fall in love, and have a baby of their own?
22:56Do we have any ideas?
22:58That baby will be, will Blasian-dian.
23:04Okay, let's continue the example.
23:06So, here we have a Latino person and an Arab person in a couple.
23:11That baby would be Arabino.
23:15And so, let's keep it rolling, actually, a little more.
23:18We have a native person and an Italian person in a relationship.
23:22That baby would be Natalian.
23:24Now, what happens down the line?
23:26What happens down the line when the Arabino baby and the Natalian baby meet at a restaurant
23:32and have a very special night and have a baby of their own?
23:36That baby would actually be Natal Arabino.
23:41Now, we're not gonna be around for this, but three generations from now,
23:46the Wubblasian baby and the Natal Arabino baby are gonna fall in love.
23:51It's gonna happen, I'm telling you.
23:54And then, what happens when they have a baby?
23:57Now, that baby will be very special.
23:59That's the baby of the future.
24:02That's a baby with eight races.
24:05That baby will be Natal Wubblasian Arabnandi.
24:13That baby will celebrate so many holidays, you'd be hard-pressed to see them at work, ever.
24:20I'm just saying.
24:23And if we ever want to get there, we have to abolish interracial breakups.
24:28I yield my time.
24:35I hated everything about that.
24:39Top to bottom, don't boo that.
24:42Don't boo.
24:42Are you kidding me?
24:43Are you fucking kidding me?
24:45Oh!
24:46Tej, what percentage of the audience is fucking white?
24:51I don't know.
24:51I'm a scientist, not a mathematician.
24:54Are you fucking doing that race shit for white people?
24:57How does that make you fucking feel?
24:58That's crazy.
24:59Divorce is good for women, and women should be allowed to break up.
25:03Before, women couldn't break up.
25:04They couldn't leave people.
25:06Okay, I don't know who you are.
25:08I don't know what you do.
25:10Shit can break up with you.
25:11Fuck that.
25:12Are you kidding me?
25:13I yield my fucking time.
25:19Tej, Tej, look, you don't gotta do all that.
25:22I get it.
25:22You're scared your white queen's gonna break up with you.
25:26You don't have to delve into, like, race science to prevent that from happening.
25:30Just, like, listen to her and respect her and, like, celebrate her birthday and, like, do the dishes.
25:36I already, I do that.
25:38This is crazy.
25:38This is crazy.
25:40Because I gotta say, most of that presentation was you saying that breakups are bad.
25:44It didn't get into the weird race shit until the last slide.
25:48And, like, honestly...
25:49It wasn't weird.
25:51Sure.
25:53And I find it to be, like, if...
25:56It's just very othering to people who are in interracial breakups or in relationships.
26:01So, it should just be about breakups.
26:03By bringing race into it, you're actually really separating those people, making them feel othered.
26:08And they have different rules than, what, a white-white relationship?
26:11That's pretty small-minded, I have to say.
26:13Okay, but what about that baby?
26:17On that topic, I just wanna say, when you were doing that really awesome breakdown
26:21of all the different races coming together and stuff like that,
26:25it's like, it was so cool when you did it.
26:28But, like, when my husband did it in the middle of the night at 3am,
26:31the FBI came and it was wrong.
26:35But anyway, I just wrote, I'm white, in a heart.
26:43This audience has clapped for I'm white,
26:48World War I, trench warfare, and race science.
26:54Tej, I agree with Brielle.
26:56I think maybe you shouldn't say, I have a white queen.
27:05And maybe that's a good place to start.
27:09Well, that's just a language thing, because what if I said, I worship a white queen?
27:14Yeah, I like that.
27:18I like that.
27:20Also, isn't Indian Asian, like, what are we talking about here?
27:24Race is not a real thing, right?
27:27We're putting race and ethnicity and all this stuff into a thing that's not real.
27:32We're humans, we should all love each other.
27:34That's what I'm saying!
27:36No, that's not what you're saying!
27:37That's not what you're saying!
27:39That's not!
27:43You're saying you only want white women, that's what you say, I date white women only, I only like white
27:48women, that's what you said.
27:49Oh, that's not even fair!
27:51That's what you said!
27:51I only date white women!
27:53Every story, every story you told about a relationship was you with a white woman.
27:56I have been in one relationship!
27:57Oh, if you're not white!
27:59Okay, wait, hold on, so that relationship that you guys broke up and then you lured her back into the
28:04relationship?
28:05Trapping her!
28:05That's this white queen?
28:06Trapping her!
28:07No, I did not trap her, I did not trap her!
28:11It was an interracial reunification incident!
28:14And that's Ty!
28:19Our next abolitionist we are extremely fortunate to have here tonight.
28:23He is truly one of my favorite comedians in the world.
28:27You might know him from his writing The New Yorker or his work on some of your favorite TV shows
28:31and movies,
28:31and although he's a bit of a freak and a bit of a geek, it's a true honor to even
28:36be in the same room as him.
28:38Please give a very special welcome to the one, the only, Jason Segel.
28:54I'm sorry, uh, not who you were expecting?
29:04Disappointed that I'm not world-famous comedian, writer, and producer, Jason Segel?
29:12Welcome to every day of my life!
29:19Yes, yes, in a shocking twist, the Jason Segel has been nominated for two Golden Globes, two Emmys, all of
29:26these awards,
29:27and who won a Best Song Critics' Choice Award for Man or Muppet from the 2012 Muppets movie,
29:34a movie he wrote and starred in, is not the Jason Segel who agreed to come to a Lower East
29:40Side basement
29:41to participate in a PowerPoint party for speech and debate kits.
29:53So who am I?
29:56I'm comedian, writer, and producer, Jason Segel.
30:03I am a comedian, writer, and producer, who is trying to make a name for myself in the entertainment industry,
30:11and my name is Jason Segel.
30:17Good people of caveat, we must abolish having the same name as a famous person.
30:31Yes, my real name is Jason Segel.
30:35Did you mean Jason Segel?
30:38No.
30:42Have you forgotten Sarah Marshall yet?
30:45No, we're talking about her right now.
30:50Is your dad 80's action movie star Steven Segel?
30:55No.
30:57My dad is a retired internal medicine doctor.
31:05Steven Segel.
31:09But this isn't just about me or my dad.
31:11I'm fighting for the little people.
31:14People like Harvey Weinstein.
31:19Casey Anthony.
31:22Osama Bin Laden.
31:29And all of the William Cosby's of the world.
31:34If you're monopolizing the first two pages of Google,
31:36you've proven you're incapable of sharing,
31:39and something must be done to even the score.
31:43If called upon, the most famous person with the duplicate name
31:47should change their name to something completely unique.
31:51Or, if they absolutely refuse,
31:55they must fulfill one request from their less famous counterpart
31:59as penance for constantly overshadowing.
32:03Now, I'm going to say this next part directly to the camera.
32:07Jason Segel.
32:10I know you're watching.
32:14If you won't change your name,
32:16then I demand that you give me the one award that you ever won.
32:23Your Best Song Critics' Choice Award for Man or Muppet
32:27from the 2012 Muppets movie that you wrote and starred in!
32:33.
32:41Caveat!
32:43I implore you.
32:44We must abol...
32:50Jason Segel, this is Jason Segel.
32:53I've hacked into the abolish everything feed to tell you I will never change my name.
32:58And more importantly,
33:00I will never, ever, ever give you my Best Song Critics' Choice Award for Man or Muppet
33:05from the 2012 Muppets movie,
33:07a movie I both wrote and starred in.
33:10Fuck you, Jason Segel.
33:12Long live the political establishment.
33:14Jason Segel, out.
33:27But in all seriousness, I did try to get the other Jason Segel to be in that video.
33:31I sent a letter to six separate people on his team,
33:34and after weeks of following up, I finally received this email.
33:38Hi, Jason.
33:41Thank you for thinking of Jason.
33:46But he's unfortunately not available.
33:49Thank you for thinking of Jason.
33:53I'm always thinking of Jason.
34:03That's the problem.
34:06Everyone is always thinking of Jason.
34:09But you know who they're not thinking about?
34:13Jason.
34:16We have no choice but to abolish having the same name as a famous person.
34:28I actually have a really interesting rags to riches story for you.
34:33My name is Jamie Lynn Watson.
34:35For years when you looked me up, this is true,
34:39Jamie Lynn Spears would come up because she married a man named Jamie Watson.
34:44This is true.
34:45Jamie Lynn Watson.
34:47But Jason, if you look me up now,
34:51I am the first two pages of my Google search.
34:59Reid, do you mind looking up Jamie right now?
35:06You are the first one, but that is a recent search from me.
35:11Because you were jerking off to me or something?
35:15I was looking for Jamie Lynn Spears actually.
35:21But this actually, I'm glad you brought this up, brings me to a great point.
35:25Which is that all of you guys have an incredible privilege.
35:31Which is that each one of you is the most famous person with your name.
35:38No, no, boo, yes, yes.
35:43They know nothing of the struggle.
35:45They know nothing.
35:47Can I tell you how you're privileged?
35:51Let me tell you how you're privileged.
35:53Do you guys think my name is actually Glow?
35:55No, my name is Glorilis Cristina Tavares.
35:59You know how many people know how to fucking say my name when they read it?
36:02You know how many people know how to read Jason Segel because of Jason Segel?
36:05You should be so lucky.
36:07They know how to say your name because of Jason Segel.
36:10You should be kissing the feet he walks on.
36:14I love my name.
36:15I would love it to be my name.
36:19Sorry, can we actually go to the Glow page really quick?
36:23Glow, you don't need your full name.
36:26I mean, you have a beautiful name, but you are the first person.
36:30You come up with Glow T.
36:33You are a four-letter search.
36:35You don't need a full name.
36:37You could be Glow T.
36:40Oh, you want her to like cover up her culture?
36:42I'm sorry.
36:44Is that what we're talking about?
36:46No, no, no.
36:47A likely response.
36:49Jason, you're going about this all the wrong way.
36:51You gotta lean in.
36:53Your dad's name is Steven.
36:54That's hilarious.
36:55You should name your kid Flock of, right?
36:58Like, fucking lean in, my guy.
37:02You should be going to restaurants and getting the best tables.
37:05You should be getting into clubs.
37:06You should really be walking red carpets.
37:08You should be just pretending you are Jason Siegel and then beat him at his own game.
37:12Get more famous than him, then he's pining after your prestige and name.
37:15But I feel like you're not using this as an opportunity.
37:18And in the industry, you gotta take any path you can, my love.
37:20Showing up to clubs and restaurants under the name Jason Siegel.
37:26And let me jump right back to the part when I came out and everyone was disappointed.
37:32Generally, it doesn't work when people know what the man looks like.
37:37Okay, so call into radio stations.
37:40Do podcasts.
37:41You could do an animated show, right?
37:44I want you to think bigger than this.
37:46Don't let it keep you down.
37:47I actually think this is incredibly lucky.
37:49And hey, you know what?
37:50I was happy to see you.
37:53Aw, Glo.
37:54No, no, boo.
37:58Wait, you had a slide for Jamie and Glo.
38:01Do you have a slide for me?
38:02Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.
38:02I think I might be the only one in existence.
38:05And can I tell you, no one can also pronounce my name either first or last.
38:08And you didn't even capitalize the M in my last name, which is a misspelling.
38:12So thank you so much for that.
38:13Well, I was going based off of your website, which is all caps.
38:18And that's time!
38:23Our final abolitionist has appeared on the Tonight Show, Comedy Central, and Adult Swim.
38:28Put your hands together for Rose Kelso.
38:40Yay!
38:42Chandler, you smell really good!
38:46Yes!
38:47Awesome!
38:49Listen, guys.
38:50You're not going to like what I'm about to say, okay?
38:52So we just got to rip the bandaid off.
38:54Abolish weed.
38:58Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
39:00Sick!
39:02It doesn't feel good, guys.
39:04It doesn't feel good.
39:05Listen, listen.
39:06I get it.
39:07We gave it our all seriously.
39:10Making 420 a holiday was so funny, right?
39:15We helped Aqua Teen Hunger Force sell, like, a ton of awesome posters!
39:21Martha Stewart and Snoop Dogg are best friends.
39:24What?
39:25How the hell did that happen?
39:27But I think it's been enough, you know?
39:30Weed is making us lose the plot, okay?
39:34Every time someone tells me that they get into a creative flow state from a sativa pre-roll,
39:40I start hemorrhaging.
39:43You know what else would do that for you?
39:46One focused hour in the no-talking section of a library.
39:52Because of weed, I have to pretend to like a hundred gecks.
39:59And the hyper-pop my friend Ethan makes that is for fans of a hundred gecks.
40:07Also, because of weed, no matter what room you're in, there's always some motherfucker
40:13asking for an Android charger.
40:18I don't have one!
40:22Green bubble?
40:23All right.
40:26I'll come clean.
40:28Okay, guys.
40:29I personally don't like weed.
40:31I'm sorry.
40:33It makes me eat ungodly food.
40:39And rock back and forth in a dry bathtub for hours because I can't stop thinking about
40:45how alone I'm going to be at 90 years old, okay?
40:49Most importantly, and I'm serious now, weed is a gateway drug.
40:55But not in the way that you think.
40:59It is a gateway drug to fiscal conservatism.
41:05And at its worst, full-blown libertarianism.
41:12Now, before you get all riled up, let's look at the data.
41:18In the 60s and 70s, roughly 100% of baby boomers smoked weed.
41:24And now, none of us can afford housing.
41:38What started as a fun weekend at Woodstock ended in the creation of BlackRock and the 2008
41:47financial crisis.
41:49In my most tragic example, this young actor loved weed.
41:56But after decades of use, he decided to become President Ronald Reagan and destabilize Nicaragua.
42:05So, the evidence is there.
42:08And sadly, I'm already seeing the effects on my generation.
42:12For example, these are all responses from my friends who smoke the most weed
42:17whenever I ask them to complete a simple Venmo request, okay?
42:23They're so fucking cheap.
42:25So, I took it upon myself to experience this first-hand to ensure my argument was watertight.
42:34I took this edible two hours ago.
42:41See?
42:43I took it.
42:48And on my bike ride up here, there were so many potholes on Flatbush that all I could
42:55think was, I pay how much in taxes and the roads look like this?
43:23You guys are all looking at me.
43:28In conclusion, we must turn to more humble options, or in other words, better drugs.
43:37So, here are a few suggestions.
43:40Number one, a properly dosed SSRI.
43:45Okay?
43:46Alright?
43:48Sometimes the greatest high is a quiet mind.
43:53Number two, buy your cocaine from women.
43:59Am I right, ladies?
44:01And number three, my greatest suggestion of the greatest high one can get?
44:09YouTube.com, Family Guy, full episode, Season 22, Episode 6, no cuts, no Zoom, full episode.
44:20I yield my time.
44:29You said that none of us can afford houses, but have you guys noticed Andy's new look?
44:36Andy is a rich man now.
44:38He made a lot of money season one of Abolish Everything.
44:41And he has 17 houses, actually.
44:44It's true.
44:45So, I think your point is wrong.
44:50Rose, I don't want to yell at you because you're high.
44:53Please don't.
44:54So, I'm going to do it anyway, but be sorry about it.
44:57Great.
44:58The war against drugs is a huge fucking problem.
45:01It actually is the problem, not the drugs in itself.
45:03It fills our prisons.
45:04Wow.
45:05It gives cops an excuse to arrest without cause.
45:07There are so many more deaths, both in terms of organized crime and ODs, because of the
45:11attempt to abolish drugs.
45:13Regulating them is actually a helpful thing that we can do.
45:15By abolishing weed, you are asking to abolish drugs, right?
45:18This is what happened with Reagan in the 80s.
45:20It caused so much more chaos.
45:22It's an attempt to control people.
45:25It is also an incredibly racist sentiment.
45:27It all goes to the fucking top.
45:29And I fear that by doing this, you are opening up a gateway of issues that you are maybe not
45:33prepared to talk about, but I need you to know this is incredibly problematic.
45:36And I don't think that you're necessarily a bad person, but this is a very bad idea.
45:42No.
45:51And I'm going to directly jump off of what Brielle said and say, I loved the colors in your
45:57thingy.
45:59I love money and I love fiscal conservatism.
46:03And I also named four of my daughters after Reagan.
46:08They're all spelled different ways.
46:10One is R-E-G-A-N-N-E.
46:12One is R-E-G-A-N.
46:14R-E-A-G-A-N.
46:16And the other is Ronald.
46:17And then, and my dog's name is Young Republican.
46:26Don't you want to get high off that danky good stuff?
46:30Don't you just want to be covered in grass, rolling around, eating chocolate sauce with
46:34your buddies and like talking crazy stuff?
46:37Family Guy season 22 F6.
46:40You know how much funnier Family Guy is if you're a little bit high, right?
46:44I don't know.
46:45I think people got to watch Family Guy with a clear mind.
46:48The jokes are there, guys.
46:51On one side, you're like, weed fucks up your life and you don't do anything.
46:54But on the other side, you're like, weed makes you rich.
46:55So which one is it?
47:00I don't know.
47:01I'm also really high.
47:02And next time, can we bring all of our abolitionists back to the stage?
47:08Give it up one more time for Sophia Manfredi, Tej Khanna, Jason Siegel, and Rose Kelso.
47:24So here's how this is going to work.
47:26I am going to list each of the things that were abolished.
47:28You can cheer for as many of them as you'd like.
47:30The loudest cheers are going to be the ones that are used to determine who wins this cartoonishly
47:36obvious sack of cash and an invitation to our season finale.
47:40But we are going to determine this using a proprietary piece of Abolish Everything technology.
47:45The Chirometer 3000!
47:52Who thinks that we should abolish going to Antarctica?
48:00Who thinks that we should abolish interracial breakups?
48:08Who thinks we should abolish having the same name as a famous person?
48:18And who thinks that we should abolish weed?
48:40Who thinks that we should abolish interracial breakups?
48:50Who thinks that we should abolish interracial breakups?
48:51Who thinks that we should abolish the same name as a famous person?
49:04My friends, we have abolished having the same name as a famous person.
49:11Congratulations to Jason Siegel!
49:17Give it up one more time for all of our abolitionists!
49:23a hearty fuck you to the panel
49:30and thank you for watching on nebula
49:34we'll see you next time good night i think that it would be bad if you gave kids drugs at
49:40school
49:40no that's a good idea we should give them we should give them a drug that sounds great
49:54we should give them a drug that sounds great
50:25you
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