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04:06foot first, sledding feet first, sledding feet first with a bloke on top of you.
04:10There's too many Winter Olympic sports where the person doing it
04:13could die halfway through and we wouldn't even know.
04:17In the skeleton, if a corpse was going round,
04:19they could be on their third victory lap and we'd only then...
04:23Do you think they'd loop around on that course?
04:26Are the dead ones why they called it skeleton?
04:30I love the name. Like, I just read...
04:32What is it, Matt Weston wins skeleton gold?
04:34What a great headline. It is, it could be anything.
04:37You found the skeleton gold, adventurer.
04:40But the orcs' rubies will not come so easily.
04:43He's either Winter Olympian or a pirate.
04:45They're the two people who win skeleton gold.
04:47The headline, Brit takes gold in skeleton,
04:50does sound like we're just trying to fill up the British Museum again.
04:54They said he celebrated with three slices of margarita pizza.
04:59Like, that's the rich tea of pizzas, for a start.
05:01Like, if I won a gold medal at the Olympics,
05:03I'd be waterboarding myself with Ben and Jerry's
05:06and then getting bonnie-blued by the Danish ice hockey team.
05:08That's not...
05:16I'll just let you get that image out of your head, Scott.
05:18When you're being issued by Claire Balding,
05:20you wouldn't use the word bonnie-blu as a verb.
05:23LAUGHTER
05:24You want a bet?
05:26Didn't we win a gold in snowboarding as well?
05:28Yeah, in the Snowboard Cross, which is an excellent event,
05:32because you send one group down first and then you stagger the...
05:35Oh, it's just a really good race of a thing, yeah.
05:37The Snowboard Cross Mixed Relay.
05:39Yes.
05:39Which is way too specific and way too many words to be impressive.
05:43Yeah.
05:43It's like the sort of award that a service station wins.
05:46LAUGHTER
05:47When you're at a service station, you see a sign that says,
05:49we've got officially the most carbon-neutral WH Smiths
05:52on the M6 southbound.
05:54LAUGHTER
05:55We'll never be a winter sport power because of our climate.
05:59Like, I went to Canada a couple of winters ago.
06:01It was minus 30 degrees when I landed. Minus 30.
06:05If it got to minus 30 in this country,
06:07do you think the airports would still be open?
06:09If it got to minus 30 in this country,
06:11the king would go on the news to legalise cannibalism.
06:15LAUGHTER
06:17All order is over.
06:19Just survive, just survive.
06:21We may see you in spring, we may not.
06:23LAUGHTER
06:26Matt, to be credit for what he's done, like, whatever,
06:28only took this up because he was injured playing other sports.
06:30One of these people who are generally very good at sports.
06:32And he ended up in hospital with shattered back
06:35and then was noticed because one day
06:37the porter was pushing him for the operation and slipped.
06:41LAUGHTER
06:42And he went out the front door of the hospital
06:44and down the main street and he's like...
06:47And there were two guys lifting it,
06:48they had a pane of glass and they're like, forward and back.
06:52And then there's a guy going,
06:53oh, I've set up my fruit stall for the day.
06:55And he went through that.
06:56And then there's a washing line and he went through that as well.
06:58And then he's all in ladies' underwear.
06:59Oh!
07:01LAUGHTER
07:04How have the curling events been the hotbed of controversy
07:08at these Olympics?
07:08Well, there's been lots of controversy about cheating, Dara.
07:11Oh, yes.
07:12But there's always been cheating and curling,
07:13it's just usually they sweep you under the carpet really quickly.
07:17LAUGHTER
07:18Thank you!
07:20Thank you!
07:22Oh, it's been so controversial.
07:24There's been more double touching at this Olympics
07:26than in the Epstein files.
07:28LAUGHTER
07:29They said it was a lot of fuss over nothing,
07:31didn't they, the double touching?
07:33They said there's not much a single finger can do.
07:35I say you haven't lived.
07:37LAUGHTER
07:38It's the figure in question, it's the Canadian,
07:40is that a lingering finger?
07:41Is that a lingering finger past the line?
07:43You can't, you have to release it and not let it go,
07:45like when the Swedes were furious.
07:46There was swearing, wasn't there?
07:47You were going to say, fuck me, curling's boring.
07:50LAUGHTER
07:51I get why they cheated,
07:53to get the glory of being an Olympic gold medalist in curling.
07:56There's not a person in this room
07:58who didn't grow up wanting to be cloush-flogel when they were older.
08:02LAUGHTER
08:03What is the actual issue with double touching?
08:05Is it because it'll make you go blind?
08:08LAUGHTER
08:09There is a big cultural difference with the Canadians
08:12that maybe we don't realise.
08:13My wife is Canadian, so I know this.
08:15Like, I remember on our first date, I said to her,
08:17you look a million dollars, right?
08:19Do you have any idea how weak the Canadian dollar is?
08:22LAUGHTER
08:24But curling is, to be fair, like,
08:25obviously curling is pathetic, we know that.
08:28It's a stag-do activity at best.
08:30OK, curling.
08:31What? That's a shit stag-do, isn't it?
08:34It's darts, it's no different darts.
08:36It is darts, it's a pub game.
08:37Who's doing darts on their stag-do?
08:39We never organise a stag-do.
08:41LAUGHTER
08:42It's very tough to be a stripper at that stag-do.
08:45LAUGHTER
08:47I said single touch, not double.
08:49But it is the only Winter Olympics sport with transferable skills,
08:52because there's a cleaning element to it,
08:54where you could actually do a job after it.
08:56Why do you point at me when you're talking about cleaning?
08:59LAUGHTER
09:00I felt so much directing at me.
09:01Eh...
09:02Oh, OK, yeah, let the Irishman clean.
09:03Yeah.
09:05You're just in the crossfire like a stripper on a stag-do, I'm afraid.
09:09But, like, the other Olympics, there's no transferable skills,
09:12is there, you know?
09:12If you do the luge, what can you do?
09:14Just test out MRI machines in future...
09:16LAUGHTER
09:18It has been an Olympics marked by, and this sounds...
09:21Obviously, in a way, people slipping and sliding.
09:23There's been a lot of people falling over and doing badly.
09:26I mean, the men's figure skating.
09:27Oh!
09:28I mean, what a huge surprise, because all of the favourites fell,
09:31and the winner was the guy who just did a figure of eight
09:33pushing a penguin.
09:34LAUGHTER
09:36But this guy, I feel for him, because he's an American citizen,
09:40but his parents are both Russian, so it's not surprising
09:43he's getting a bit nervous around ice.
09:46LAUGHTER
09:48APPLAUSE
09:50Meanwhile, what's going on here?
09:55Well, I guess it's not just the police who are looking for leads.
09:58LAUGHTER
10:01APPLAUSE
10:05I really feel I stepped on your toes there.
10:07I do apologise, Spock.
10:08Dogs are usually taken out for a shit, not by a shit.
10:12LAUGHTER
10:13It's actually nice to see him wearing trousers, for once.
10:17LAUGHTER
10:18I think what's happened is he's realised that the only way
10:21that the British public could hate him more
10:23is if he becomes the dog bin man.
10:26LAUGHTER
10:27I think that dog's looking pretty healthy, given in the last six weeks
10:30it's probably only been fed shredded documents.
10:35LAUGHTER
10:37APPLAUSE
10:41Is he going, these sacrifices to Satan are getting bigger and bigger?
10:45LAUGHTER
10:45Do you think his PR team have just gone, you need to look more normal,
10:48just go out and take your dog for a walk?
10:49Not like that!
10:51LAUGHTER
10:52Do you know your rigid dog?
10:54That rigid dog you have, bring that rigid dog out for a walk somewhere,
10:57that'd be great.
10:59LAUGHTER
10:59He looks like he hasn't got cash to pay the cabbie
11:01and he's gone, is this all right?
11:04Maybe he just snapped it and there's all the paparazzis
11:07he takes the dog and goes...
11:09BABABABABABABABA!
11:11BABABABABABABABA!
11:12He's holding it the wrong way around!
11:17I can't remember how long it took to train my dog
11:19but it'll come to me.
11:21LAUGHTER
11:23The thing that upsets me about the whole Mandelson
11:25thing, though, really, is that the police searched his house
11:27and it took them two days.
11:29If the police searched my house, it would take four minutes.
11:32They would just be like, oh, is it under the stairs?
11:33He doesn't have stairs.
11:34Oh, is it in the garden?
11:36He doesn't have a garden.
11:37Oh, is it under the mattress?
11:39You're not going to believe this.
11:42Has anyone been on the island recently, by the way?
11:44Has anyone actually gone out to that island?
11:46Is it still operating?
11:47Are you wondering if you could get a cheap holiday?
11:49No, I'm just wondering.
11:50This is the stuff Martin Lewis won't tell you.
11:54Surely the flights will be relatively cheap now.
11:56And the accommodation will be clear.
11:59And there's no one there.
12:00It must be Jurassic Park.
12:02It must have reverted back to nature this day.
12:04Is it going to turn up on one of those Omaze ads?
12:10This incredible island with somebody scrubbing furiously.
12:15It's like how weddings are really cheap
12:17if you have them on September the 11th still.
12:19It's that sort of...
12:20So what, we're talking a 9-11 wedding on Epstein Island?
12:23Yes!
12:25I want to know what the payment references were.
12:28Because he supposedly got sent 75 grand
12:30in three payments by Epstein.
12:31But when you, like, buy a dildo on the internet,
12:33it doesn't say dildoshop.com on your bank statement.
12:36It does not.
12:36How do you know that?
12:37It says, like, Dartmouth Solutions Limited.
12:45It's like a financial advisor going, what?
12:54We're on the telly, you're on the telly.
12:55This is the best press I've ever got in my life.
12:58If you buy a dildo now online, what you do is,
13:02banks will go, you sure this is not a scam?
13:03Have you checked the dildo?
13:04Have you looked at the dildo?
13:05Who did you buy the dildo from?
13:07Like, whatever.
13:07Is it definitely a real dildo?
13:09Yeah, just stop making me.
13:09Stop asking me questions.
13:11Is this dildo for a relative?
13:15How's a dildo been recommended by somebody
13:17who contacted you out of the blue?
13:19That happens.
13:21I look at Mandelson now and I just wonder,
13:23how much more scandal, how much more disgrace
13:26can this man be hit with?
13:28I mean, what is going to emerge next?
13:30Is it going to be...
13:30Is it going to emerge that Mandelson wrote
13:32the finale of Game of Thrones?
13:35And that he's got Nando's black card
13:37and he only uses it for water?
13:38Is that how bad things are going to get?
13:39There's going to be a picture of him
13:40kissing a bat in Wuhan in 2012.
13:46At the end of that round,
13:47the points go to Angela, Sean and Alison.
13:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
13:53Join us after the break for more Mock the Week.
13:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
14:03The next round is called Between the Lines
14:05and features Alistair and Rhys.
14:06Would you make your way to the press pit, please?
14:08Rhys will deliver a speech in the guise
14:09of a leading figure on the world stage
14:11and Alistair will translate what they really mean.
14:13This week, Rhys is Emmanuel Macron.
14:15Oh, ho, ho.
14:19Bonjour.
14:20Je m'appelle Emmanuel Macron.
14:22Je suis le président de la République.
14:24Je voudrais vous parler.
14:27Eh...
14:27This is going to be all in French.
14:29LAUGHTER
14:32Our countries are so...
14:33I've lost confidence in the accent.
14:35LAUGHTER
14:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
14:42I'm going back to my one, thank you.
14:46Our countries are so close geographically,
14:49it is a pleasure to make the trip.
14:50I'm going to do the accent the whole way through.
14:53LAUGHTER
14:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
15:00I came by dinghy from Calais to piss off Nigel Farage.
15:04LAUGHTER
15:05I am so cool, I even wear sunglasses indoors.
15:08I have conjunctivitis.
15:10LAUGHTER
15:11We will work tirelessly in the defence of Europe,
15:1524 hours a day, seven days a week.
15:18We will work tirelessly in the defence of Europe,
15:21six hours a day, four days a week.
15:24LAUGHTER
15:24Back home, I have to be on my guard against the rising right.
15:29Mind you, Bridget has a great left hook too.
15:32LAUGHTER
15:33I remain very sad about Brexit.
15:36Eh.
15:40APPLAUSE
15:44The UK has been in the EU since 1973.
15:47It was so long ago, my wife was only in her 40s.
15:51LAUGHTER
15:52Remember, it was France that lit the flame of liberty for the world.
15:56And then threw it through the window of the nearest car.
15:59LAUGHTER
15:59I will defend negative stereotypes of the French until my last breath.
16:04Although, it will smell of garlic.
16:07LAUGHTER
16:08European countries all face the same common problems.
16:11Moi.
16:12LAUGHTER
16:13I want to say that I am very sympathetic to the difficulties
16:16Keir Starmer is having.
16:18LAUGHTER
16:19LAUGHTER
16:22I have an excellent relationship with Trump.
16:24I'm so far up his arse, I can see Keir Starmer's shoes.
16:27LAUGHTER
16:31Well done, Gerice and Elsa!
16:35APPLAUSE
16:38So, what's going on here?
16:41Has Keir Starmer just won rock, paper, scissors
16:44to get all the chairs?
16:46LAUGHTER
16:48What I'm more worried about is why at this conference
16:51is there a headboard with a pair of gold handcuffs on the corner?
16:55LAUGHTER
16:56Dartmouth Solutions Limited.
16:58LAUGHTER
17:01We also arrange conferences.
17:03LAUGHTER
17:04Is Starmer saying Britain doesn't need to increase defence spending?
17:07Not with these fists!
17:10LAUGHTER
17:12Let me show you my one-inch punch.
17:15LAUGHTER
17:16The Starmer think this is the first date's restaurant, and that's Fred.
17:22What is it and where is this happening? Do we know?
17:23I think this is Munich, where Macron was giving a speech
17:27about Europe's need to re-arm.
17:30And it's very important that that is delivered in a French accent
17:33and not a German accent.
17:36If they went with the French accent, the ideal accent would have been a Geordi accent,
17:39because it's statistically the most trustworthy.
17:41Like, I regret to inform you all that we are at war with Russia.
17:46Do you want to panic?
17:48LAUGHTER
17:50Yes, it is.
17:50Emmanuel Macron with UK Prime Minister, Keir Starmer,
17:52pictured here at the Munich Security Conference recently.
17:55Do you know what Macron said during his speech?
17:57I found it pretty harrowing to hear him say that he wants Europe
17:59to become a geopolitical power.
18:01Sorry, are we not already a geopolitical...
18:03That's like if you were getting a driving lesson and the instructor goes,
18:06God, one day I hope to pass my test.
18:09LAUGHTER
18:11At the end of that round, the points go to Mark, Rhys and Ria!
18:18The next round is called You Win Some, You Lose Some.
18:21This thing...
18:25..involves Mark and Sean,
18:26so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
18:28This round is a stand-up challenge, I launch the Wheel of News
18:30and wherever you choose to stop, one of our performers must step forward
18:33and talk about that subject.
18:34The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.
18:36OK, here we go.
18:37Let's have our first topic, please.
18:40OK, it's media.
18:41Oh.
18:44Everything's changing in the media.
18:46Apparently we're the last generation
18:48who ever going to know what a newspaper is.
18:51All right, physical newspapers are going to die out in the next ten years.
18:53Oh, this is tragedy.
18:54Because they're the one thing from our time on this earth, the future generations,
18:58they're not going to be able to get their heads around.
18:59You tell a kid in 30 years what a newspaper was, they're going to be like,
19:03what are you talking about?
19:05You're telling me there was a 7,000-page document with all the news in it
19:09and all the sport.
19:11And some of them just had tits in it.
19:15You go, yeah, that's what we have before the internet.
19:16Big sort of Argos catalogue full of news, sport.
19:19Yes, topless women, but also money advice, Garfield comics, financial news, all this sort of stuff.
19:24What was it, like once a month you'd get it?
19:27Every day of your life.
19:29There was a new one to read every day of your life.
19:32What, even on Sunday?
19:33On Sunday they were twice as big.
19:35No one knows why.
19:37No one knows why, but they were there waiting for you on your doorstep in the morning.
19:41What, there wasn't like a shop that you went to?
19:43This is going to sound crazy.
19:45We hired children to bring them to us.
19:51I don't know how any of it was legal.
19:53We had massive heavy bricks full of tits and images of war
19:58and we summoned the children from their beds.
20:02Get up! Get up, Bernard!
20:04Drag this sack around the neighbourhood!
20:06Mr O'Reilly needs to see a topless woman before 7 o'clock!
20:10Or he's not going to drive the school bus!
20:13Thank you very much, Charles!
20:18OK, the lead is with Mark.
20:20Let's see who your suffrage is. Let's spin the wheel.
20:23Going out.
20:27I've had a great day today.
20:29Went out earlier, found some money in the street.
20:31Just next to some blokes singing.
20:37So my wife hates public displays of affection.
20:40One day she went and kissed me in front of people and I think she ruined our wedding.
20:45LAUGHTER
20:47That's not true.
20:49No, I don't have a wife.
20:52Do I have a girlfriend? No, that's true.
20:54And as she asked her if she wants to go out for a meal tomorrow night, she said yes.
20:57So now I've got the flat to myself.
21:02LAUGHTER
21:04Recently went to an Italian restaurant.
21:06Couldn't decide which pizza I wanted.
21:07And the guy was like, half and half?
21:09I was like, no, I'll pay.
21:12LAUGHTER
21:13Asked the woman where the toilet was, she said straight out the back.
21:16I said, I know how to do it.
21:19LAUGHTER
21:24The other day my grandmother fell asleep in the restaurant.
21:26It's OK, cos it was Nando's.
21:30LAUGHTER
21:33Did this gig.
21:34This guy's phone went off, a bit rude.
21:36He answered it just having a chat.
21:37Just started having a chat during the gig.
21:39I was like, right, I'm a professional comedian, I'll deal with this.
21:41I said, who is it?
21:42He went, it's your mum.
21:45And that got laughs in the room.
21:46I thought, actually, it is quite funny.
21:48Anyway, turns out he'd nicked my phone.
21:53I did this benefit gig, like a charity fundraiser,
21:56and Boris Johnson was there, right?
21:57And he knew I was a comedian.
21:59He asked me the classic question.
22:00He said, what's the worst heckle you've ever had?
22:03And I said, fuck off, you wanker.
22:05I don't get heckled.
22:08LAUGHTER
22:09Thank you very much, Mark.
22:12Our dinner and the vans go to...
22:14Shove a Blocker!
22:16Let me come back here.
22:17Thank you very much.
22:20Join us after the break for more about the week.
22:28APPLAUSE
22:29Our next round is called Picture of the Week.
22:33I showed a panel a topic and a midgen asked to tell me what's happening.
22:35So, teens, what's going on here?
22:38Six hard hats, one helmet.
22:41LAUGHTER
22:43This is, uh, it's a work day visit from a local company.
22:47I think they're called, um, Dartmouth Solution.
22:49LAUGHTER
22:51Greatest greet, ring them up, call them.
22:53It won't appear in your phone bill.
22:54It's very good.
22:55They're not a scam.
22:57Uh...
22:57Is it the village people?
22:59LAUGHTER
22:59This is why you check the WhatsApp.
23:01I'm going as a builder.
23:05Gosh, it's nice to see someone who's in the Epstein files
23:07actually surrounded by actual miners.
23:11LAUGHTER
23:15Yes, of course, this is.
23:17US President Donald Trump with a group of coal miners
23:19receiving an award.
23:21Somebody gave an award to Donald Trump.
23:22This comes at a time when Trump has also reversed
23:24environment policy from the Obama era
23:26that declared greenhouse gases endangering public health,
23:29claiming it was a giant scam.
23:31So, what award did he get from the Washington Coal Club?
23:33He won the Undisputed Champion of Beautiful Clean Coal Award.
23:38What?
23:39And I cannot believe that award has allowed itself
23:41to be demeaned like this.
23:44LAUGHTER
23:44Right-wing coal miners are baffling to me, you know?
23:47I grew up in Durham where it was all about coal mines
23:49and it was all about the unions.
23:50Like, when I was a kid,
23:51even fairy lights were fully unionised, you know?
23:54You remember in the 90s?
23:55Because if one of them stopped working...
23:58LAUGHTER
24:00APPLAUSE
24:01One out, all out.
24:04Solidarity.
24:05He's making it out to be a huge thing,
24:08but it's just a minor award.
24:10LAUGHTER
24:10It is just, like, what you do to get a kid to eat their dinner.
24:14It's embarrassing, having to make up a...
24:16It's what the brownies and the scouts are all about.
24:18I've long said that, why does that have to stop?
24:22You know, I would definitely do my tax return on time
24:24if I got a badge.
24:25Why...
24:26Why don't we get badges for adult things?
24:28Not adult things.
24:30LAUGHTER
24:32Here's your blowjob badge.
24:33LAUGHTER
24:34I would definitely get it, but where would I sew it on?
24:37LAUGHTER
24:38What would I have to do to be brown now?
24:39Nothing. Nothing would be...
24:41LAUGHTER
24:42Sorry, too far.
24:44LAUGHTER
24:45OK, nothing would be better than a woman in a negligee
24:47with loads of badges sewn on.
24:49LAUGHTER
24:51This one for hands, this one for face.
24:53LAUGHTER
24:53You can get a self-esteem badge.
24:56How shit are you going to feel if you don't get it?
24:58LAUGHTER
25:00Who else has been excited to meet Trump recently?
25:02Oh, Liz Truss.
25:03Liz Truss!
25:03Oh, yeah.
25:04Look at her little face!
25:05Look at her little face!
25:07She's so excited.
25:09Looks like they're about to go out first round on Pointless.
25:12LAUGHTER
25:14To me, it's weird when people post photographs on Facebook
25:17with the caption,
25:18he has good days and bad days.
25:20LAUGHTER
25:23We took him for a lovely lunch
25:25at that hotel we usually go to.
25:29It's really nice.
25:29I've actually done some research about this picture.
25:31I saw this picture and not many people know this,
25:33but that woman was the Prime Minister.
25:36LAUGHTER
25:38It is very weird seeing, like, a small-time British villain
25:42meet a big, proper, international villain.
25:45You know?
25:45It's like Scarface meeting Blakey from off the buses.
25:48LAUGHTER
25:50I've got a question.
25:51In America, if two immigration agents have a kid,
25:56is that an ice-ice baby?
25:59LAUGHTER
26:02LAUGHTER
26:06You're pushing it.
26:08LAUGHTER
26:10At the end of that round, the points go to Mark, Rhys and Ria!
26:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
26:18Our next round is Connection.
26:21I show the panel pictures of two well-known figures
26:24and ask them to tell me how they might be connected.
26:26So, what connects me to international spy James Bond?
26:31LAUGHTER
26:31Is it that your full name is Dara O'Brien?
26:36LAUGHTER
26:37It's a tragedy, really, cos 007 is your sperm count, isn't it?
26:42LAUGHTER
26:43It's starting to be fine now.
26:45House's fault, thank you very much.
26:47LAUGHTER
26:48Is it that everyone thought in the reboot
26:50they'd both be played by a woman?
26:53LAUGHTER
26:55Out of my cold, dead hands.
26:57LAUGHTER
26:58Is it sex addiction?
27:01LAUGHTER
27:04LAUGHTER
27:09Kill him.
27:11He's got Bond girls.
27:13Have you got O'Brien girls?
27:15O'Brien girls doesn't sound as glamorous, I've got to say.
27:18The O'Brien girls just sounds like, you know, sort of, your sisters.
27:22Oh, the O'Brien girls have been off to trouble,
27:23they've been tipping the cows again out there.
27:26O'Brien girls, it sounds like some girls who went missing
27:29sort of 40 years ago.
27:30Oh, no!
27:31No-one heard from the O'Brien girls again.
27:33The town is still haunted by the memory of the O'Brien girls.
27:37Is it that you've both got the licence to kill the vibe?
27:41LAUGHTER
27:42Is it that you've both got the licence to kill my career?
27:46LAUGHTER
27:46Is it that you've both had characters based on you
27:49in the Austin Powers films?
27:52LAUGHTER
27:53LAUGHTER
27:54LAUGHTER
27:55LAUGHTER
27:57Don't even finish that, don't even extend that.
28:00Sean, I've enjoyed your last ever appearance on...
28:02LAUGHTER
28:03Is it that you've got the licence to kill Sean's career?
28:07Been doing the same job for decades, don't look any older.
28:10That...
28:11You're welcome.
28:11That's the nicest of all of them.
28:14Eh...
28:14Both just really attractive, charismatic people
28:16I have a lot of respect for.
28:19LAUGHTER
28:21Both of you think you're the main guy, but it's sort of the teams
28:23around you that make it good.
28:25LAUGHTER
28:27Is it both of them, despite what people may think,
28:30have actually been played by Irish people?
28:32Ooh.
28:33Oh, it's...
28:33OK, well, I'll play...
28:35LAUGHTER
28:36LAUGHTER
28:37This is not a...
28:37This is a persona I have that I've got.
28:40He's really Irish.
28:41Yeah.
28:41After the show goes, oh...
28:43The thing that...
28:44Dara's been good to me, I suppose.
28:46Eh...
28:46Is it that you're wearing the same outfit in these pictures?
28:49Eh...
28:49I am.
28:49Although I feel I'm not wearing it as accurately as he is.
28:52LAUGHTER
28:53I've worn tuxedos a lot over the course of my life.
28:55Did you have to pick one in which I'm like...
28:57LAUGHTER
29:03He's going, Ferdoygen!
29:05Eh...
29:05His picture, obviously, is James Bond,
29:07and yours would have been hosting, like, mortgage provider.
29:10LAUGHTER
29:11That would be...
29:13No, it's not that.
29:14It's to do with space.
29:15You both won't shut up about it.
29:17LAUGHTER
29:18That would be an exciting fact.
29:20Have you both got, like, a moon named after you?
29:23It's not...
29:24It's very close.
29:25It's not a moon, no.
29:25A constellation.
29:26A constellation would be amazing if a constellation...
29:29Fine, then, a fucking alien!
29:31LAUGHTER
29:33We both have an asteroid named after us.
29:35Oh.
29:36Aww.
29:36So, we could all get flattened by the Dara O'Brien?
29:39Oh, yeah.
29:39No, if it gets bumped out of its path,
29:40it will destroy all life on Earth.
29:42And for...
29:43You're proud of that, aren't you?
29:44For about six weeks, I'll get a lot of coverage.
29:46LAUGHTER
29:47So, why do you have this?
29:49Yeah.
29:49How do you get this?
29:49Why did they name after you?
29:51Are you a similar size?
29:52No!
29:53LAUGHTER
29:54Asteroids aren't all that big.
29:56They're bigger than me.
29:57LAUGHTER
30:03That's so offensive.
30:04If I was fired from space, I would not destroy the Earth.
30:07I would burn up in the atmosphere.
30:09This would be...
30:10That is true.
30:11Because you're Irish.
30:12Because I'm Irish.
30:13LAUGHTER
30:14Very quick.
30:15LAUGHTER
30:18Yeah, well...
30:19It'd be the Guinness, wouldn't it?
30:21LAUGHTER
30:21Yeah.
30:22His white head.
30:23Yeah.
30:25Why, by the way, independent of this,
30:27why has James Bond been in the news recently?
30:29I think he's facing war crime charges.
30:32LAUGHTER
30:33There's speculation over who the news was.
30:35As there always is.
30:35But Callum Turner is the name of the actor.
30:37This is a picture of Callum Turner.
30:38He looks like a Rorschach test.
30:41LAUGHTER
30:42No, no, no.
30:43It's the guy in front, not the shape behind.
30:45All right, sorry.
30:47I was thinking it was weird that my aunt's breasts were behind him.
30:50LAUGHTER
30:53You know, genuinely,
30:54because this annoys me, because Callum Turner is already engaged
30:57to Dua Lipa.
30:58Yeah.
30:59And now he's potentially going to be James Bond.
31:00It's like, how good do you want your life to fucking be, mate?
31:03LAUGHTER
31:03Basically ticking off everyone's dreams.
31:05And I genuinely, two years ago, auditioned for Johnny English Junior.
31:10LAUGHTER
31:13The best thing about that is you did it two years ago,
31:16so you are already in your 30s!
31:19I was 33 years old, Angela.
31:21Probably Johnny English's son.
31:24Doesn't have a name of his own.
31:26Johnny English Junior.
31:27Shit!
31:28That's what I was hoping was going to, you know, mock the week ended.
31:31I was like, it's all right, I'm a film star now.
31:32Anyway, back here.
31:35At the end of that round, I have sheer pity.
31:38That's what we're ending on, is it?
31:41We're ending everything.
31:43This is how the show ends.
31:44The camera pulls slowly off your face.
31:47LAUGHTER
31:48Goes out of the studio and into the rest of this lot,
31:51L Street lot, like whatever, where it then turns
31:53and you can see the filming of Johnny in the studio.
31:58It's just, I don't know, James Day Castro, I don't know.
32:02Yeah, OK, at the end of that round,
32:04the points go to Mark, Rhys and Ria!
32:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
32:19Now we play a game called...
32:21You think that's bad?
32:23In a world where everything seems to be going wrong,
32:24this is a chance for our performers to compete
32:26to outdo each other with tales of woe from their lives
32:28and I decide whose is the worst.
32:30Anyone care to start us off?
32:31I'll start.
32:32Oh, Angela.
32:32Do you know what I did this week?
32:33I accidentally sexted my father-in-law.
32:36LAUGHTER
32:37I was staying in a hotel, it had nice tiles in the bathroom
32:40and he likes that sort of thing, so I sent him a picture
32:42and I didn't realise my reflection was in the mirror.
32:45LAUGHTER
32:47Ah, but did he respond to the thing?
32:50Not yet, still waiting, Brian.
32:52LAUGHTER
32:54My mother-in-law sent me a weird message the other day.
32:56I sent her something innocent, like what you're up to,
32:58she texts back saying she's got nothing on.
33:01LAUGHTER
33:05You think that's bad?
33:06I asked a friend to guess my age and he said bronze.
33:09LAUGHTER
33:12You think that's bad?
33:13My wife recently said to me the worst words a husband can hear.
33:16You're not sorry you did it, you're sorry you got caught.
33:19Yeah.
33:20I wasn't cheating, I'd wipe the yoghurt lid on the cat.
33:23LAUGHTER
33:26I mean, I mean, that will get dealt with.
33:28I mean, the cat's going to deal with that situation.
33:30It is very much a self-cleaning thing, cat.
33:32Dara was f***ing cat.
33:35LAUGHTER
33:37You think...
33:38No, we're processing this, we're...
33:40You think that's bad?
33:41And this isn't as bad.
33:44LAUGHTER
33:45No, we're near as bad.
33:47But you think that's bad?
33:48I recently found out the fire brigade no longer come out
33:50and rescue cats who have stuck up trees, which is...
33:52I had to set the tree on fire.
33:55LAUGHTER
33:55You think that's bad?
33:56I was visiting my friend in my new fur coat
33:58and her husband wiped a yoghurt lid on me.
34:02LAUGHTER
34:03You think that's bad?
34:04My mobile phone is so rubbish,
34:06a guy in a scooter came past and gave it to me.
34:10LAUGHTER
34:10You think that's bad?
34:12The doctor found a bit of Lego in my bum.
34:14I said, is that the weirdest thing you've ever found?
34:17He said, it's not the weirdest, but it's definitely up there.
34:20LAUGHTER
34:22You think that's bad?
34:23A doctor once found a £2 coin up my arse
34:26and then we had an argument about who got to keep it.
34:29LAUGHTER
34:29Why did he get to keep it?
34:31It's not his.
34:32Exactly.
34:33Was that your bottom dollar?
34:35LAUGHTER
34:36He's always red!
34:37He's always red!
34:38APPLAUSE
34:41For the rest of the show,
34:42the aim is to find one you don't have a joke about.
34:44LAUGHTER
34:46You think that's bad?
34:47I spent four hours the other day looking for my Kinder Egg toy.
34:50Turns out I'd been eating a Babybel.
34:53LAUGHTER
34:55You think that's bad?
34:56My girlfriend got so annoyed at me using my phone,
34:58she threw it across the room.
34:59Luckily, I put on airplane mode.
35:02LAUGHTER
35:02You think that's bad?
35:04I'm so anxious that I tried to watch pornography,
35:07but they were doing it in the back of a taxi
35:08and I kept thinking, the meter's still running!
35:11LAUGHTER
35:12You think that's bad?
35:13This guy asked me the other day if I was British
35:15and he said, yeah, I am, and he said,
35:17oh, cos your face isn't British.
35:20LAUGHTER
35:21I would have loved to tell him to fuck off,
35:24but he still had my passport.
35:26LAUGHTER
35:28You think that's bad?
35:30My friend suffered from anxiety
35:32and I told him, if you ever start to panic,
35:34take a deep breath.
35:36He drowned.
35:38LAUGHTER
35:39You think that's bad?
35:40I saw a bit of packaging earlier that said,
35:42danger of suffocation, keep away from babies.
35:45But I'm not worried,
35:46because I don't think a baby could suffocate me.
35:49LAUGHTER
35:50Their hands are too small.
35:53A baby would take you down in seconds after it.
35:56LAUGHTER
35:57At the end of that round!
36:00Can I just point out,
36:01you don't have anything about baby suffocation,
36:03by the sounds of it.
36:04Hang on, hang on, hang on.
36:05Where's your part about baby suffocating, Alex?
36:06Whoa!
36:07Whoa!
36:08Actually, don't hold your breath.
36:10Oh!
36:12APPLAUSE
36:13That was so good.
36:15That was so good.
36:16That was so good.
36:17The boys are going to mark,
36:18release and rehab!
36:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
36:22Now we come to scenes we'd like to see,
36:25so if everyone can make their way over
36:26to the performance area,
36:27I'll read out this week's topics
36:29and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
36:31OK, here we go.
36:32The first subject is...
36:33Things you wouldn't hear on a travel show.
36:35So, what can I say about North Korea?
36:39Well, if I want my passport back,
36:41absolutely nothing.
36:42LAUGHTER
36:44Of course, this area used to be known for quicksand,
36:48but things have changed...
36:49LAUGHTER
36:54On this week's episode of Great Railway Journeys,
36:58we'll be making the eight-hour trip from Manchester
37:01to half a mile outside Manchester.
37:04LAUGHTER
37:07Mumbai.
37:08I'm here in Switzerland, saying bye to Mum.
37:13LAUGHTER
37:13APPLAUSE
37:15LAUGHTER
37:18LAUGHTER
37:19LAUGHTER
37:25Today we pay our respects to one of Scotland's greatest female pop stars
37:29by visiting one of her favourite destinations.
37:32We are going to Honolulu.
37:35APPLAUSE
37:39Here in the Dead Sea, it is impossible for anything to sink,
37:43so I'm really regretting that crafty shit I just had.
37:46LAUGHTER
37:49Hi, I'm Michael fucking Palin,
37:51and this week I'm in fucking Ipswich.
37:54LAUGHTER
37:56Well, you can tell there's a lion nearby
37:58from these warm droppings I've just done in my pants.
38:02LAUGHTER
38:04On a beach this unspoilt,
38:06you know you can go for miles without seeing a single living...
38:09Hi, Romesh.
38:11LAUGHTER
38:14We've been at the resort for a couple of days now
38:17and my wife just informed me that one of the members of staff
38:19keeps checking her out, which is weird,
38:21cos he knows we're staying all week.
38:23LAUGHTER
38:25It's time for the British travel show generator.
38:28Let's spin the wheel.
38:29Now we've got do-ga-do-ga-do-ga Ed Balls
38:31travelling through do-ga-do-ga-do South Sudan
38:33on a do-ga-do tandem bicycle.
38:36LAUGHTER
38:40They're calling it a staycation,
38:42but it's actually six months for armed robbery.
38:45LAUGHTER
38:46And the plane descends into Madrid Airport,
38:50or as Ryanair call it, Berlin West.
38:54LAUGHTER
38:56This footage of Britain's coastline
38:58really is one of the BBC's best-kept secrets.
39:02Not the best, of course.
39:05LAUGHTER
39:08They say to really enjoy a place,
39:10you've got to go off the beaten track.
39:12Great, now I'm lost!
39:14LAUGHTER
39:16Travel.
39:17Romance.
39:18Luxury.
39:19It's not for you.
39:22LAUGHTER
39:24I'm here in Kazakhstan to dispel
39:27the harmful stereotypes perpetuated about Kazakhstan
39:29in Western media.
39:30And with me is my wife!
39:33LAUGHTER
39:36The next topic is...
39:38Unlikely things to hear at the Winter Olympics.
39:42Fucking cold, innit?
39:44LAUGHTER
39:45It's actually slippier than it looks.
39:48LAUGHTER
39:51And now it's time for the cross-country skiing.
39:54Iran, Russia, Syria, all very cross-countries indeed.
39:58LAUGHTER
39:59Ice Cube was going to perform at the opening ceremony,
40:03but due to global warming, here's wet, wet, wet.
40:06LAUGHTER
40:08Oh, that's very clever from the Russian bobsleigh team.
40:11Saving space by putting the smallest athlete
40:13inside the second-smallest athlete,
40:14inside the third-smallest athlete.
40:16APPLAUSE
40:19And here at the bobsleigh, the Jamaican team is doing terribly.
40:22Everyone's crying.
40:23This isn't charming at all.
40:25LAUGHTER
40:27And his dreams of Olympic gold come to an end
40:30with winning Olympic gold.
40:32That was a weird way to phrase that.
40:34LAUGHTER
40:35I'm high.
40:37LAUGHTER
40:40And that's all from the biathlon.
40:42Next up, we have the gayathlon, the straightathlon
40:44and the anything-after-a-couple-of-pintsathlon.
40:47LAUGHTER
40:50Now, I'm not saying the British curling team is middle class,
40:53but they do have a Filipino woman doing the sweeping.
40:56LAUGHTER
41:00And they've dropped their sticks and now they're fighting
41:02and the blind bobsleigh has descended into anarchy.
41:05LAUGHTER
41:08Oh, look at that!
41:09Two, three, four full flips in the air!
41:12I don't think you'll be allowed to drive the air ambulance again.
41:15LAUGHTER
41:17This is the most nervous I've seen skaters
41:19since Dancing on Ice was hosted by Philip Schofield.
41:23LAUGHTER
41:26Welcome to Milan, home to Prada, Mew Mew, Versace
41:30and other shit names for British children.
41:32LAUGHTER
41:36After a shaky start for the Italian just a few days later,
41:39he's back.
41:40And, you know, that's a little bit like Jesus, isn't it?
41:44LAUGHTER
41:47Oh, I should have bought a coat.
41:50LAUGHTER
41:53As they come pelting down the slope,
41:55I'm reminded that Winter Olympians have 14 words for snow,
41:58but only one word for...
42:01AHHHHH!
42:02LAUGHTER
42:03And if anyone is at home watching the curling
42:05and thinking it might be fun to take part yourself,
42:07please keep in mind, every single person here is a virgin.
42:11LAUGHTER
42:13Where do I get my poles from?
42:15Dartmouth Solutions Limited.
42:18LAUGHTER
42:23And, of course, beneath the slopes, the ice warriors wait,
42:27biding their time, dreaming their deathless dreams
42:30in chambers vast beyond a match...
42:33Is that Claire Balding?
42:35LAUGHTER
42:38Should we just wait till it's sunny?
42:39This is fucking shit.
42:41LAUGHTER
42:43Apologies to all viewers,
42:45apparently that thing in the ice hockey is called a puck.
42:49LAUGHTER
42:51This is lovely to see.
42:52The first ever drag queen to win gold in the bobsleigh!
42:56LAUGHTER
42:58At the end of that round,
42:59the points go to Angela, Sean and Alistair!
43:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:03That's the end of the show.
43:05This week's winners are...
43:06Rihelina, Reece James and Mark Simmons.
43:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:10Congratulations to Angela Vaughan, Sean McLaughlin
43:12and Alistair Beckett-King.
43:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:15Thank you for watching. I'm Jara Breen.
43:17Good night.
43:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:21Read about your needs of life
43:23You're of the world alone
43:26Don't believe in everything
43:29You'll see I will
43:32Read on the ride
43:35Read on the ride
43:37To the world, to the world
43:40APPLAUSE
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