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#Bait S01E02 [Full Movie] [Full Episodes]Full EP - Full
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00:08Shah Latif welcome to Sir Chatterick Stewart with me Sir Patrick Stewart it's an honor to be here
00:15the honor is all mine I've hosted many fine actors on my little podcast but few who've had
00:22such an eventful 24 hours it's been a wild ride already that's for sure now I know a bond or
00:29two
00:29Daniel Craig's a dear friend big shoes to fill do you think you're up to the job yes yes I
00:39do now more
00:41than ever I'm ready to show the world that I've got what it takes Joe Nigel Murray how are you
00:52thank
00:53God good yeah at least it tells me you do security for all the top wankers yeah that's right yeah
00:59I'm always happy to take on a few up-and-coming wankers as well right yeah do you do personal
01:05because I might have an event tonight yeah no we do the full service even got a food taster if
01:09you
01:09need one tell you what let's have a look in the house and we can talk about that afterwards yeah
01:14so how's this two points of entry hostile object into the front bay window those and the doors
01:19may need reinforcing and I was thinking maybe some visual deterrence along the perimeter if you
01:23have the bodies 60 friendlies expected tomorrow oh you really know your stuff I played the translator
01:30in homeland season seven yes yes yes you did they got a lot of shit wrong on that show come
01:35on okay
01:36all right so your uh your guests are for ideal fitter I presume yeah yeah okay yeah yeah just want
01:42to make sure everyone feels safe yeah sure I might make more sense for you to start off upstairs I
01:49know
01:49it's harder to defend a position at higher altitude isn't it yeah okay well I'll take my shoes off and
01:53go upstairs yeah do you agree you can't really act this role part of you has to be it absolutely
02:01absolutely absolutely yeah luckily I'm already very experienced at navigating attacks of various
02:09kinds whether in the public eye or on the home front as it were yep you just got no Mandarin
02:16Oriental
02:16sorted thank you for sorting it out Felicia I'll speak to you later about the collar all right bye
02:20what are you showing me right now it's the hotel okay they do free stays for celebs like Michelle
02:24y'all digga dee fucking move west nanny and well the followers are blowing up okay it's a five-star
02:31safe house all of us one week is free obviously minus my costs but yeah yeah we're not going to
02:38a
02:38hotel I'm dealing with it I'm not gonna get anything happen to you you don't need to be afraid I'm
02:43not
02:43afraid talking about man what the fuck's all this what does it look like security cuts I told you
02:59that I had security sorted so chill your pum pum out learn from the mandem it's not fucking movie yeah
03:03is it what are you going to ask where you got this from all this Allah provides bro does he
03:10yes
03:10does he provide discount rate mujahideen as well I know these guys but they're too thick to make it
03:14into Isis which Isis Isis K Isis L OG Isis they've got different standards I've heard
03:24they're only PhDs do they the hardest fucking they're committed takbir
03:29I'm not trying to start a madrasa yeah I just trying to bring in some real actual protection
03:33if you could just listen to me for once if I want your fucking protection I'll ask for your extra
03:37small condoms you like that one any tiny lully yeah stop pressing me cuz I'll go chat to Abba we
03:43have
03:43to discuss this we did in my fucking bag of one could just walk it because you've taken off the
03:54back
03:54door that's why I've hired a professional high professional I'm not doubting that I'm just if
03:59if you let me do it then it'll be better for everyone Sean Connery to the rescue is it how
04:04do you
04:04understand it shall you better be a janu and help me take this to the car 60 people's a lot
04:12for read
04:13your mommy needs my help what are you doing chill mommy bastard you chill 20 fucking years she's been
04:25trying to steal eat already bringing a cut these swelling kebabs well I like kebabs
04:33it's a joint effort now I'm just doing my part it's a no no you have done already so much
04:39shaju take the pots inside why are you giving Naila any more work it's nothing Daira I could be doing
04:45so much more but sadly it's no longer safe here now why not move into my house who's not safe
04:54can everybody stop can you stop please Baba can you just come here please can you stop the work
04:58everyone right let's have a little chat about Eid and the plan what's your plan yeah what huh
05:03outsourcing our protection that is free Mesa nonce I'm not a nonce should have gone to the hotel
05:07Nigel's here to help secure the the house house won't be ready food won't be ready Naila Naila
05:14please shaju sorry guys the prophet please be upon him so long exactly exactly he said it best when
05:21he said trust in Allah but tie up your camel my guy he knows his stuff you gotta hand it
05:28to him I just
05:29want to say that holy days like this are an absolute lightning rod for bad actors so perhaps you should
05:33think about moving your eat celebrations to a different location no I've got tremendous
05:40respect for Islamic culture especially after six tours of Afghanistan you've all came to the
05:48you're okay here he don't have a lot of energy how map a pass I think I'm gonna be my
05:55days I
05:55could show you to them to me know I'll get to you know energy but I mummy lovely to meet
06:09the family
06:09colorful lot on I really get after it and you're a your brother he's seems nice he's not my brother
06:16He's my cousin, but he was raised with us.
06:19Okay.
06:19It's complicated.
06:20All right, well, look, this is for you, as you quote,
06:25although I would be willing to postpone payment,
06:28you know, in consideration of the future work,
06:31because if my internet searches are correct,
06:33then you will be needing our services a lot more in the future.
06:36Oh, well, let's see what happens.
06:39It's really reasonable.
06:40Could you just leave it with me?
06:40I'm getting a few different quotes in.
06:42That's fine, okay.
06:43Oh, so did you want me to provide a personal for tonight?
06:46I can send one of my best guys.
06:47What are you doing?
06:48You asked me to do security, no?
06:50But tonight, I did.
06:51Him?
06:52Yeah, so I won't be needing it.
06:53Thank you for coming by.
06:55Yeah, no, absolute pleasure.
06:57Yeah.
06:57Well, oh, by the way, those stolen dash cams,
07:00the battery life is so, bring a charger.
07:03All right.
07:03You can have that for free.
07:05Cheers, Nigel.
07:07Why are you wasting your money on these render fees, bro?
07:10I've had your back since day.
07:21I heard you go into this gala tonight.
07:24On your own, or?
07:28I've got a plus one.
07:30Is it?
07:32You haven't got any shoes on trainers.
07:35Can I range it?
07:38Oh, get ready, you fucker.
08:02Wait, that is a proper go-fucker, then.
08:04It's a good job I came to babysit you.
08:06Aye, bro, you might be taking care of the muscle,
08:08but I'm winning over the hearts and minds, yeah?
08:11What, when you're in the middle of a culture war,
08:12that's the real battleground?
08:14Big man, how are you going to fucking battle them
08:15with your horny make-up face?
08:17What?
08:17You know the face that you do when you're on the red carpet.
08:20It looks like you're trying to shag that camera,
08:21but you're worried the camera's going to shag you back.
08:23No, I'm not.
08:23Don't put that in my head right now.
08:24You're going to put me off.
08:26Okay.
08:27For confirmation, cousin.
08:28What is that?
08:28Yeah?
08:29What, man?
08:29I look good there.
08:30You look like you're making a pervy version
08:31of fucking planet Earth.
08:33All right, let me just see something.
08:37Motherfucker, motherfucker.
08:37All right, all right.
08:38Don't jizz on my leather seats.
08:39You can't afford a cleaning fee.
08:41Okay, listen, let's just go there and smash it, all right?
08:43Well, we are already fucking smashing it, okay?
08:45We are arriving in the Muba Prime experience.
08:47Look at this.
08:48Halal Harry Bowls.
08:49Custom-specifically branded Zamzam water.
08:51It's your little mini dildo on the dashboard.
08:53Caz, look at me.
08:54We are arriving like this is fast and furious,
08:56but without the four skins.
08:58You understand?
08:59Come on, let's get it, Caz, yes?
09:00Yeah, you ready?
09:01Yes, bro.
09:03Yeah!
09:04Come on, don't do that on the red carpet.
09:06I can't guarantee it.
09:19There's a lot of excitement,
09:21but also some displeasure
09:23at the idea of a Gujarati playing Bond.
09:27Proving those voices wrong has been my life's mission.
09:30How so?
09:32Oh, it's why I want the role.
09:33It's why I'm here speaking to you.
09:35Is that why you wanted to make a speech
09:37at the King's Museum Gala?
09:39Exactly.
09:40To show people that this is what a hero can look like.
09:43To show them that this, too,
09:45is what British looks like.
09:51Hey, yo, listen.
09:53I support the team.
09:54I support the team.
09:54When you finish the night,
09:55please get home with mobile, okay?
09:58That's for you.
09:59Sorry there's no service in your area.
10:01I'm Turkish.
10:01You're Turkish?
10:02Then they're servicing your area.
10:04Excuse me, sister.
10:05No!
10:06Shut up!
10:08MC Rickshaw!
10:09May!
10:11Can I get a pick?
10:12You want a pick?
10:13I'll kill you next week.
10:14Hey, yo, Caz!
10:15Caz!
10:16Come and get a picture
10:16with your one and only fan.
10:17Come on.
10:18Oi!
10:19Bro, you're ignoring me.
10:21Bro, we've got to go, man.
10:22Why are you going in there?
10:24Man, slow down.
10:26You should be out here with us.
10:28Hey, yo, yo, yo.
10:29I just wanted a photo with you.
10:30What's the problem?
10:31Bro, if I get a photo to take with them lot,
10:32it's not the right image
10:34I'm going for right now, all right?
10:35The real change happens in the air.
10:36We've got to get in the air.
10:40Listen, I know you think
10:41you're His Majesty's Secret Service
10:42or something, yeah?
10:43But don't go full coconut pussy
10:44all around me tonight.
10:45Oh, yeah?
10:45Then don't go into father fuckboy on me, then.
10:48You want the respect, my guy?
10:49Keep it real, yeah?
10:50Okay, why don't you respect
10:51this?
10:52Watch and learn.
10:56You're doing it again?
10:57I'm not doing the face.
10:58You're doing the face again.
10:58Go on, then you do the face again.
10:59All right, let me show you.
11:01Nah, you know what that is?
11:03You look like a paedophile germal, bro.
11:05There's cameras.
11:06Why would you say paedophile
11:07in front of the cameras?
11:07Because they don't have sound.
11:08It's fault.
11:08Mr. Latif.
11:09Hi.
11:10So happy you've been here.
11:11Really, I'm so glad to be here.
11:12This is my associate,
11:14Magaramachika Lern.
11:15Um, can I ask, um,
11:17who I might speak to
11:18about my speech this evening?
11:19Oh, we don't have you down
11:21as doing a speech.
11:21Oh, I think it's because
11:22I'm a last-minute addition.
11:25So...
11:26Well, there'll be a new house,
11:27I suppose.
11:28Yeah.
11:28She's our new director.
11:29Okay.
11:30Oh, I'm guessing I have a plus one.
11:33Ah.
11:34Mr. Zulfika Ali,
11:36CEO of Move Enterprises.
11:37I just think this will be like
11:38an official record
11:39that I'm here tonight,
11:39so thank you.
11:43Cos, where the fuck
11:44have you bought us, man?
11:45This looks like the Jarls Bullsack.
11:47You're from humble beginnings
11:49like me.
11:50So, how is your family
11:52dealing with all this?
11:53The same way we deal
11:54with everything.
11:55It's a team, together.
11:57Now, I'm proud to say
11:58that we've all got
11:59each other's backs.
12:02Bro, this is mad.
12:03Yeah, I told you, bro.
12:04I've got to stop cooking.
12:05As-salamu alaykum.
12:05As-salamu alaykum.
12:06Sorry.
12:10All right.
12:12We've got to find
12:12this Vivian, yeah?
12:14Yeah?
12:14No point in me being here
12:15if I can't get on stage.
12:16There she is.
12:17Museum director, yeah?
12:19My guy.
12:20The fuck are you, bro?
12:21Some ego, bro.
12:22Look at this.
12:23Listen, now.
12:24I'm going to work on her.
12:25Yo, yo, yo.
12:25Shall we tag team her?
12:26What?
12:27Not like that.
12:28I mean, like, convince her together,
12:30like, good packy, bad packy.
12:32What would that be like?
12:34Like, good cop, bad cop.
12:36What packies?
12:38I've got this one covered, yeah?
12:40You sure, yeah?
12:40Yeah, yeah, yeah.
12:41In a bit.
12:42I'll be here.
12:45Sing, let me tell you about this.
12:51I'm a Vivian.
12:56Shah Latif.
12:57Oh, yes, of course, Miss Latif.
12:59I wonder if I could borrow you for a moment.
13:01Oh, absolutely.
13:02Although anything borrowed
13:03has to be given back now, apparently.
13:05What can I do for you, Miss Latif?
13:07I was actually wondering
13:07what I might be able to do for you.
13:09There's nobody like Muslims
13:10that can get you to where you need to be on time.
13:13Brother, we are on time
13:13for prayers five times a day.
13:15If you call me,
13:16brr, brr, Zulfi,
13:17can you get me to where I need to go?
13:19I'll get you there.
13:19This museum means a great deal to me,
13:21and I saw you had a number of protesters outside.
13:24Yes, and it thrills me
13:25to see young people engaging
13:27in a conversation
13:28about our shared heritage and culture.
13:30In fact, we invite this kind of dialogue.
13:33Is it a dialogue, though,
13:34if you don't have an ambassador of sorts
13:35to help bridge the divide
13:36between those on the inside
13:38and those out there?
13:39Who's your name?
13:40Ali Reza.
13:40Ali Reza.
13:41I'm feeling Iran.
13:43Yes.
13:43Yeah, a bit of Farsi, my guy.
13:45Come on.
13:45You said we could be in that region.
13:47I, for one, would be honoured
13:49to get up there
13:49and say a few words
13:50about how global Britain truly is,
13:53both in its artefacts
13:54and its people.
13:56You know, I'm an 8th Indian.
13:57I did not.
13:58Wow.
13:59What about yourself?
14:00Where are you from?
14:00London.
14:01You're from London?
14:02You sound...
14:04Wait, originally from London?
14:06But I understand
14:07your latest acquisition
14:07is from a Muslim country.
14:09Yes, but treasures
14:10like the one we're unveiling tonight
14:12don't just belong to Islam.
14:13They belong to us all.
14:14So I can go up
14:15and say a few words?
14:17I'll be very brief.
14:18No, Miss Latif.
14:19It's simply not
14:20how we do things around here.
14:21This isn't a pop-up Banksy exhibit.
14:23Besides, we already have
14:24our dear friend Raj Thakar
14:25giving a speech.
14:26Enjoy your evening.
14:29I'm sorry, I said to you,
14:30Your Majesty.
14:31Come on.
14:32Come on.
14:32Come on.
14:33Come on.
14:33Come on.
14:34Come on.
14:35And now,
14:36to the more uncomfortable
14:38part of our chat.
14:40You didn't think
14:41this was going to be
14:42all softballs, did you?
14:44Raj Thakar, your rival?
14:46I wouldn't call him that.
14:48Come on.
14:49Come on.
14:49You can be honest.
14:50I can't be in the same room
14:52as Ian Magneto McKellen.
14:54Oh, sorry.
14:55Sir Ian Magneto McKellen.
14:57I just think
14:58that there's plenty of room
15:00for all of us at the top.
15:02Oh, please.
15:03A day ago,
15:04you were the only brown bloke
15:05up for the job.
15:06And now,
15:07there are two.
15:08And word on the web is
15:09he'd make a better bond.
15:11Yeah, well,
15:12I don't really pay attention
15:12to what people say about me.
15:14It's just not in my nature.
15:15You should, old chap.
15:17He's a bigger name
15:18with a bigger fan base.
15:19And I dare say
15:20he's thought of
15:21as a better actor.
15:23That's subjective.
15:24Cut the camel shit, Latif.
15:27You couldn't even convince
15:29that museum director
15:30to let you speak.
15:31How do you expect
15:32to convince the world
15:34that you can be Bond?
15:36You don't stand a chance
15:37in a horse pajamas,
15:39do you?
15:40You pussyhole.
15:42It needs to go on a dish
15:43and you push can't.
15:47No use being angry with me.
15:50You only have yourself to blame.
15:52I'm trying.
15:54Try harder.
15:55Do you understand?
16:00Here he is.
16:01Hey.
16:02Hey.
16:02Sure, Latif, man.
16:03I haven't seen you in a minute, bro.
16:05How's it going?
16:05Yeah, when was the last time
16:06I saw you?
16:08Mango Tree premiere.
16:09Yeah, yeah, yeah.
16:10Thank you for coming.
16:11Man, you were so good in that.
16:13Did you guys see that?
16:13Under the Mango Tree.
16:15So it's about
16:16this magical mango tree.
16:17This white woman
16:18eats a mango.
16:19She travels back in time
16:20to colonial India.
16:21Falls in love
16:21with this Indian guy
16:22and they have this relationship
16:23over space and time.
16:24It's about how
16:26love's timeless
16:27and crosses all sorts of boundaries.
16:30I don't know why
16:30I didn't connect more.
16:32Actually, can I
16:32borrow you for a break?
16:33Yeah, yeah.
16:34Just for a break.
16:34Yeah.
16:34Thanks a lot.
16:36You look incredible, by the way.
16:37And very, very smart
16:38getting photographed
16:39in the tugs
16:40and holding that drink.
16:41It's just here
16:42to support
16:43one of our nation's
16:43most important
16:44cultural institutions.
16:47just...
16:48One thing's got people
16:49going mental, hasn't it?
16:51Yeah, people are
16:51passionate, man.
16:52It's just that the hate,
16:54though, the hate,
16:55it's a lot, right?
16:56I know you're probably
16:58getting a lot of that, too.
16:59Not really.
17:01Nothing to cry about.
17:03Just got to stay grateful.
17:05People are busting their asses
17:06at dead-end jobs
17:07just to put food on the table.
17:09We live in the dream.
17:10Yeah.
17:10Yeah, we are.
17:11Yeah, hate's a small price to pay.
17:13It is.
17:13It's just some
17:15psycho sent a pig's head
17:16to my mum's house.
17:18You serious?
17:19Yeah.
17:19Fuck, you know?
17:20That's actually why I'm here.
17:22I want to show them
17:23that no amount of hate
17:25is going to make me hide.
17:27And actually,
17:27if this museum
17:28can house treasures
17:30from all around the world,
17:31then this country
17:31has to take in people
17:32from all around the world.
17:33Am I right?
17:34Yeah, preach.
17:35I just want to make a statement
17:37showing that this,
17:38this too,
17:39is what British looks like.
17:41I love the passion, man.
17:42I'm so glad you said that
17:44because I heard
17:44that you're speaking later
17:45and I was thinking
17:45maybe we could tag team it.
17:47Yeah, that's a great idea.
17:49Yeah.
17:49You've got something important to say.
17:51I want to be a part of that.
17:52Yeah.
17:52I say, well,
17:53why don't I go up first
17:54and then I'll bring you up.
17:55I would love that.
17:56Thank you, my brother.
17:57Yeah, yeah.
17:57I love that, man.
17:59Of course.
17:59I really appreciate it.
18:00Yeah, there you are.
18:01Hey, I know you.
18:02Oh, this is my security guy.
18:04The Mooba guy.
18:05Yeah, I overheard you
18:06chatting about it earlier.
18:07I love the concept.
18:08Thank you, brother.
18:08Are you Muslim?
18:10Aren't we all?
18:11A little.
18:13Yeah.
18:13Have you got a card?
18:14I'll spread the word.
18:15Nice.
18:17Yeah.
18:18Okay.
18:19I'll go.
18:19I'll go.
18:19That's my mum.
18:20You brought your mum?
18:21Yeah, yeah, yeah.
18:22I wouldn't be here without her,
18:23so I shouldn't be here
18:24without her, you know?
18:26It's all thicker.
18:26That's me.
18:27That's me.
18:27Good to see you, man.
18:28Yeah, you too.
18:31Man,
18:33he is either
18:33the sweetest twat
18:35I've ever met
18:36or the thickest twat.
18:37You are thick twat.
18:39What?
18:40Security guy.
18:42That's all I have to do.
18:43You literally told me
18:44to bring you here as security.
18:46Why are you getting cranky?
18:47Oh, you haven't broken fast, huh?
18:49No, I haven't.
18:49Of course I'm hungry, man.
18:50Don't eat a canapé.
18:51Champagne, gentlemen.
18:52Just have a little canapé, bro.
18:55Just have a little something to eat.
18:57Nothing here is halal,
18:58none of the little things,
18:59the big things, none of it.
19:00Have some halloumi.
19:01Halloumi?
19:01Halloumi is not Israeli.
19:02That's what they want you to think.
19:03It's an Arabic cheese.
19:05Prove it to me.
19:06Google it.
19:06You know I thought you used Google.
19:12Too kind.
19:15Good evening.
19:16In 2001, we watched in horror
19:21as Taliban fanatics laid waste
19:24to a once-great nation's cultural heritage.
19:27We wept as monuments to peace
19:31were turned to rubble.
19:33But tonight, we right this wrong.
19:35After a nine-year,
19:3815 million-pound restoration project,
19:41it is my honour to present to you tonight
19:44the restored Buddha of Bamiyan.
20:01And now an extra special treat.
20:03It is with great enthusiasm
20:05that I invite tonight's guest speaker to the stage.
20:09The most gentlemanly vampire hunter
20:11I've ever had the pleasure of meeting,
20:12Raj Dakar.
20:21It's an honour to be here, I mean.
20:24Wow.
20:26This museum is home to artefacts
20:30from around the globe.
20:31And so it should follow that England, too,
20:34is home to people from those same places.
20:37Now, tonight is a celebration,
20:38but I would like to speak with you all
20:40about my experiences as an Englishman
20:43and as a person of colour.
20:46Recently, racist hate
20:50took the form
20:53of a severed pig's head
20:55delivered to my family's doorstep.
20:58It was horrific.
20:59There was blood everywhere.
21:02My mother was left traumatised.
21:04Mummy, I'm sorry.
21:07But no amount of hate will make me hide.
21:11Those driven by prejudice,
21:14they need to see us in these spaces.
21:19And because this, too,
21:21is what British looks like.
21:29Excuse me, Mr. Latif.
21:31Do you have a situation?
21:33A man claiming to be your brother
21:34has been harassing
21:35and racially profiling
21:37museum guests.
21:41Oh, and Shah Latif wanted to say something, too.
21:45I'm about to go on, man.
21:47Shah?
21:48Otherwise, we're going to have to escort him
21:49over the premises immediately.
21:51I don't know.
22:10So, let's talk about your big moment.
22:13The speech that never was.
22:15A silky bit of spycraft from Thacker.
22:18He's clearly made for the role.
22:20Not to mention,
22:22he can get the bleeding lines out.
22:26Line?
22:27I can do better.
22:28I can.
22:29Can you now?
22:31Let's see.
22:33I also had a pig's head
22:34sent to my mom's house.
22:40I, um...
22:41Nice one, dickhead.
22:43You're more frozen than me.
22:45But it's not your acting
22:47that's the problem, is it?
22:48It's who you are.
22:51You don't have the balls to be bombed.
22:55Hey, yo, cut.
22:56Come on, man, me.
22:57You want an only fan.
22:57You turned your back
22:59on your own fans.
23:01Mansoura!
23:02You turned your back
23:03on your own family.
23:05I can't be sick of me, bro.
23:08Face it.
23:09People like you
23:10are never the heroes of the story.
23:13You'll always just be
23:15a scared little
23:18packy.
23:22Send him back
23:24where he came from!
23:41I can't be sick of you, bro.
23:42I can't be sick of you, bro.
23:43I can't be sick of you, bro.
23:43I can't be sick of you, bro.
23:45I can't be sick of you, bro.
23:46I can't be sick of you, bro.
23:47I can't be sick of you, bro.
23:47I can't be sick of you, bro.
23:48I can't be sick of you, bro.
23:50I can't be sick of you, bro.
23:50I can't be sick of you, bro.
24:00yeah okay yeah you what we did no we did nothing bro it's 2 a.m. we're talking to someone
24:11or what
24:12oh sorry man i was just running lines in a suit cost you a minute oh well the moon's been
24:20sighted so
24:22eid mubarak yeah
24:25now night you weirdo
24:30eid mubarak bitch
25:07sorry sorry
25:16Bye.
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