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Malcolm In The Middle Lifes Still Unfair S01E01 [Full Movie] [Official Release]Full EP - Full
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00:07Previously on Malcolm in the Middle
00:15What are you looking at?
00:18Wee!
00:21I've been stealing money from the church
00:33You're going to put your hands inside of mommy
00:35And take out this baby
00:38And someone actually asked for more of this
00:44Life is unfair
00:51I really appreciate the opportunity
00:53Everyone in my class was after this internship
00:56I fought tooth and nail work
00:57No problem, we are glad to have you
00:59So, what do you guys do?
01:02Well, we install computer systems
01:05In grocery store chains and food manufacturers
01:07To align their inventory software
01:09With food banks and shelters all across the country
01:11So instead of unused food getting dumped
01:14It goes to people who actually need it
01:15Got it, and what is a food bank?
01:20Maybe watch our video a few more times
01:27Yeah, I look different
01:29But hey, everything about me is different
01:32I'm happy
01:33I'm successful
01:34I've learned to work productively with idiots
01:36My life is fantastic now
01:40You want to know how I did it?
01:41All I had to do
01:43Is stay completely away from my family
01:46Here we go
02:00You know, I think you are finally beginning to thin out
02:03These things have lasted for six months
02:05You know, I can call back later
02:07Come on, Dewey
02:07You've seen this like a thousand times
02:09It's just a normal human body
02:11Doing normal human behavior
02:13Undergrowth
02:16How's the concert tour?
02:18It's fine
02:19But I'm really sorry
02:20I'm not going to make your anniversary party
02:22I'm sad too
02:23But you cannot turn down a chance to play for royalty
02:25I mean, what if Carl Gustav
02:27Wants to give you a knighthood or a sword or something?
02:29Is Jamie going to make it?
02:30I think so
02:31He put in for a leave
02:31Towel! Towel! Towel!
02:35Trauma averted
02:36Thank you
02:39Hey, Dewey
02:40Hi, Kelly
02:40How's school?
02:41Beneath me
02:42How's Sonia?
02:43Oh, um
02:44It's not Sonia anymore
02:45It's Lisbon
02:45No!
02:46Annette!
02:47Anyway
02:47She's good
02:48We're really connecting
02:49But we're going to go shopping later
02:51Do them want to come?
02:54Him can't come with we?
02:56Us has homework
02:57Hey, he's trying
02:58Don't mock him for it
02:59I'm not afraid of you
03:00That's not
03:01I get good grades
03:02I help around the house
03:03I'm your only kid without a file at the police station
03:06I'm untouchable
03:07Yeah, well
03:08It wouldn't kill you to tell your father you loved him every once in a while
03:12I love you
03:13Oh, that just sounds sarcastic
03:15I love you
03:17Nice and annoyed
03:18I kind of do
03:19It's your timbre
03:21I love you
03:21I love you
03:22I love you
03:23The middle one was nice
03:25Thank you
03:28So back in college
03:30I completely turned my life around
03:31Because I realized
03:33The less contact I have with my family
03:35The less I act like a sociopath
03:37I've become more patient
03:39Less angry
03:40Way more mature
03:42Anytime I am around them
03:44It takes me like two seconds to revert
03:46For crying out loud
03:47I speak fluent Spanish
03:48I know how to say quesadilla
03:50I don't know
03:50It sounded like you said
03:51Quesadilla
03:52Oh, no
03:52You're like
03:53Quesadilla
03:55Siempre hacen esto
03:56Intentan colegir a las personas por algo de lo que no sabes nada
03:59Say exactamente como van a enseñar quesadilla
04:02Quesadilla
04:03That's it
04:04That already said
04:05That already said
04:05Quesadilla
04:12Grandma's television was plasma
04:13I had to watch two episodes of frickin' Dexter with her
04:16And it was obvious from the rich deep black
04:18You're insane
04:19She bought that TV in 2015
04:20All right
04:21They already had full array LEDs
04:22With the same picture quality for a quarter of the price
04:26It's not showing off
04:27It's a completely sensible
04:29Mid-price sedan
04:30Why don't you just admit
04:31You're stuck up
04:32And shoving your shiny new car in my face
04:33To make me feel bad
04:34Is this stuck up
04:36Is this showing off
04:39Is this me trying to make you feel bad
04:42It's not them
04:43It's me
04:44Being around them
04:46So I've arranged my life to ensure absolute minimum contact
04:49My house is a true layover flight from anyone
04:52I'm always swamped with work on holidays
04:55But I also create the illusion of closeness
04:57With effusive emails
04:59And phone calls
05:00And birthday cards
05:01Saying how much I miss them
05:02And I can't wait to see them
05:03It's really important to me
05:05Not to hurt their feelings
05:07Because then
05:07They'll make me talk to them about it face to face
05:10Welcome to Huge Mart
05:12Where our deals are
05:13We still need a 200 pack of votive candles
05:14And a thousand feet of ruby tassel garland
05:17Oh, there's gold
05:18No, 40th anniversary's ruby
05:19Not gold
05:20Get in the game, Hal
05:22Hey, lovebirds
05:24I hid your mini disco balls
05:26Thank you, Craig
05:27They're in the clone aisle
05:28Behind my signature scent
05:32Which is
05:33Suave Sauvage
05:34For him
05:35Already got it
05:37So, how do you like the new job?
05:39Well, my heart belongs to Lucky Aid
05:42But after they denied my promotion
05:44And that mysterious, untraceable fire
05:46I'm glad I found a new home
05:47Lois
05:48Come quick
05:49It's that famous celebrity you like
05:56Oh, yeah, yeah
05:58Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
06:03Never had much faith in love for miracles
06:07Miracles
06:09Never wanna put my heart on the line
06:16But swimming in your water
06:18Is something spiritual
06:21Spiritual
06:22Spiritual
06:22Spiritual
06:22I'm born again every time you spend the night
06:27E-I-I-I
06:29Cause the sex takes me to paradise
06:32And it's true
06:36Yeah, yeah, yeah
06:38Cause you make me feel like
06:41I've been locked out of heaven
06:45For too long
06:47Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
06:50Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
06:52Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
06:56Yeah, yeah, yeah
06:58Can I just stay here?
07:02Spend the rest of my days here
07:05Cause your sex takes me to paradise
07:08Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise.
07:12Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise.
07:16Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise.
07:32That's it. Now it's my meatball.
07:36Okay, let's take it from the sex park.
07:38Guys, you know, that was magical. Let's not go past it.
07:42It was lovely.
07:43Hal, thank you.
07:44Well, it was just a little weird two weeks before the anniversary.
07:47No! Before or after the party.
07:49We agreed. You can do anything you want, as often as you want, before or after.
07:54The actual anniversary day is mine. You promise.
07:57Under duress. I'll promise anything when you do that thing.
08:02Hal, for 39 years of anniversaries and birthdays and really every celebration,
08:07you do the most wonderful, romantic, amazing grand gestures.
08:11The fireworks display?
08:13Oh, yeah.
08:13Releasing those doves?
08:15That should have been done outside and away from the fam.
08:18And now this once, I want to be the one deciding how we celebrate
08:22and not have your plans just happen to me.
08:27Uh, yeah.
08:28Why don't you play with your friends while I finish up?
08:32She makes it seem like every little romantic gesture I've ever made is crazy.
08:39No, no.
08:40It won't hurt to let Lois do it exactly the way she wants to for once.
08:44Oh.
08:44So I just sit back, do nothing, like I don't even love her?
08:47No, no, no. Not on my watch.
08:48Hal, please. You're the only one of us still married.
08:51Do not break a promise to that woman.
08:53I would never.
08:55Lois gets her day.
08:57But until then, every moment of every day, I will show her so much love,
09:01she will run screaming at the sight of me.
09:18Nice, right?
09:18And this isn't even the best thing.
09:20The best thing.
09:21The best thing in the whole world is who's inside it.
09:24My daughter, Leah.
09:26She's kind of a trophy I won in college for attending my first kegger.
09:29She hates that joke.
09:33Her mother, Dreamer.
09:34Yes, her name is Dreamer.
09:37Ran off three days after giving birth.
09:39So, single father.
09:40But I'm good at it.
09:42I just imagine what my parents would do and do the exact opposite.
09:45It's not that hard.
09:50I won't make it worse.
09:51I won't make it worse.
09:56Just so you know, I don't cry like this all the time.
09:59I also do depressed apathy, paralyzed embarrassment, and impotent fury.
10:06It's a rich inner life.
10:10Sweetie, what's wrong?
10:11Alison Gibgott invited me to her birthday party.
10:15Why is that sad?
10:16You want the list?
10:18I only want-
10:18Alison and her friends did this as a joke.
10:20They know I know they don't want me to go.
10:22If I do go, they'll freeze me out until I burst into tears and daddy comes to get me, which
10:26is what they really want.
10:28I'm completely isolated at school.
10:30I've never had any friends.
10:32And my personality, by which I mean your personality, makes it impossible for me to ever have any.
10:39Okay, well, do you want my list?
10:41You're intelligent.
10:42You're beautiful and hard-working and incredibly perceptive and-
10:46Yeah, thanks for that, too.
10:47That's how I notice every smirk and slight and microscopic eye roll aimed at me since first grade.
10:53Why'd you have to be so gentle with me growing up?
10:55I have no armor!
10:57Leah, look, I am so sorry you're going through this, but I promise it'll get better.
11:02It got so much better for me once I went off to college, so that's less than a-
11:07a decade.
11:10It's actually worse when he tries hard.
11:15Why'd that make you nervous?
11:17What?
11:17Your phone.
11:18Why did that call make you nervous?
11:20I'm not nervous.
11:21It was just work and we're talking.
11:24Maybe my concern for how upset you are is coming across as nervous.
11:27And why do you keep it so hot in here?
11:29I want to be alone now anyway.
11:31Okay.
11:32I'm not going to smother you.
11:34But I'm here for you.
11:36Like always.
11:37I love you.
11:39Really love you.
11:43Love you so much.
11:49Malcolm, I need you to call me back today about our anniversary.
11:52We have to know when you're coming.
11:53And we know you're coming.
11:54Because you would never be that monstrously inconsiderate.
11:57Love you.
11:59I didn't answer Dad's voicemail yesterday, so I knew it would escalate to Mom.
12:03I wrote the email.
12:04Sorry, I was in emergency meetings till late and I just heard your voicemail.
12:07I scheduled that to send at 2 16 a.m.
12:10That way I look considerate for emailing instead of calling her back.
12:13Trust me.
12:14She'll check the timestamp.
12:16I have to set up six more food banks this month, but barring a crisis, I'll be there.
12:20That's what's great about running a charity.
12:23Anything I say is a crisis, is a crisis.
12:26For charity.
12:29I scored the cut, dry fitted twice, so now I glue it down.
12:33Perfect.
12:34This is so easy, I had no idea.
12:35I can't wait to start the gazebo next week.
12:38You know, Reese, doing these projects together every weekend, I love it more than anything.
12:44Me too.
12:45I have to confess, though, that this floor was fine.
12:51You don't actually have to rotate floor tiles every six months.
12:55I know.
12:56You do?
12:58But almost every job we've done, the car, the backyard irrigation, the washing machine, they didn't need to be done
13:04either.
13:05It's my favorite thing to do anyway.
13:06I'm spending a lot of money fixing things that don't need fixing.
13:12And since this is really just about us spending time together, maybe we can do jigsaw puzzles.
13:18No.
13:18I know how to do puzzles.
13:20You steal one piece, so you're the only one that can finish it.
13:24We have to be building or fixing things.
13:26Oh, son.
13:26Whoa.
13:27What's going on?
13:30Dad, have you ever heard of a metaphor?
13:36Yes, Reese.
13:38We all know my life sucks.
13:40I've ruined my job, my marriages.
13:43I don't really have any friends.
13:46That's not the metaphor yet.
13:48Ready?
13:49Things like gluing these tiles so they fit together perfectly is a metaphor for me fitting in with people.
13:56And these tools are a metaphor for you and all the things in life you're teaching me.
14:02Dad, you're a tool.
14:04A tool to help me build my life back.
14:09I will always be your tool.
14:15You know what's great about going to a fancy private high school?
14:20Nothing.
14:21It is the same emotional shithole as every other high school.
14:23What's the reason for that?
14:26Leah!
14:27Hi, Allison.
14:28Did you get my invitation?
14:30It's gonna be really fun.
14:31Dad got an aura camera.
14:32I did.
14:33Thanks.
14:34Great.
14:35See you there.
14:47Mia? Oh, hey, Cheyenne. I couldn't finish my math homework. Can you show me how to do a slope
14:52intercept? Of course. I don't mind at all. I'm always happy to help. You know, you don't have
14:56to panic about it. I wasn't panicking. Oh, it's just, I can see where you've been pulling out
15:03your hair. I'm not saying you pull out your hair. It's probably just ringworm. And that's
15:08easy to fix. Eight weeks of fungicide pills. Because it's not an actual worm inside your
15:12head. It's a fungus. Oh, God. What do I do? Make it seem like I was joking?
15:25Come on. What is wrong with her? I'm really sorry about the whole thing. You othered Cheyenne
15:32in view of the peer group. Yeah, I knew I was upsetting her and I was trying to fix it,
15:36but I kept making it worse because right before, other girls hurt my feelings, so I wasn't thinking
15:41clearly. I'm not blaming them. They can't help it. Robert Sapolsky has pretty compelling research
15:47that endorphin levels actually spike when members of an in-group exclude or attack members of
15:51an out-group. At least with chimpanzees. He's on YouTube.
16:08Once a week, he'll stand in the front yard shirtless and flexed.
16:17Get ready. You're going to see something shocking.
16:22Hey, I'm proud of us. We actually got all the way to the bed before you went at it.
16:29Tristan, my girlfriend. I mean, it is so much more than that. She loves me. I know,
16:36it sounds like a lot of me too. How was your day? It was good. We won the Grosvenor Innovation
16:44Grant. I beat an AI. Dude, you don't have to keep proving how smart you are. I really don't care.
16:51Oh, except for my taxes. That was awesome. So what do you care about? I care that you always listen
16:57to me and that you're supportive and that you keep your promises. And mostly I care that you
17:06understand in a deep and complete way who I am inside. Then you love me anyway. And I am so
17:16grateful for that. Jesus, I thought we were just doing banter. I gotta get one.
17:27She's going to like me, right? Are you kidding? Leah's going to love you.
17:32You're as worried as I am. What makes you say that?
17:33Because you know that if she doesn't like me, we can't move forward. I mean, eventually we'd have
17:40to break up. But I have so many plans to prevent that. Mutual interest outings, weekly kindness
17:45days, shared journaling. There's one where you hold on to the end of a yarn ball and you pass it
17:49back
17:49and forth to each other and you keep saying nice things and you keep throwing it until you guys are
17:54both tied up really tight together in the yarn. I'm betting on us. Look, you can make friends with
18:01anyone. I've seen it. And it's obvious how much we love each other. Leah's going to see that and
18:05she's going to want to be a part of it. I don't know. When I was her age, I hated
18:09myself and
18:09everything in my field of vision. So shall I grow it? Can we wait for that? No, no. It is
18:16past time
18:16we did this. We're doing it. Okay. You're also honest and sincere and sensitive. Not to mention in bed, the
18:27way you combine enthusiasm and startling physical strength with a clear understanding of nuance. Yeah.
18:39Tristan likes green, so maybe wear your chinos. Sue went to private school too, so you can talk about that.
18:43And politics just makes her upset.
18:47Movies. She can talk about them all day, but she loves rom-coms, so don't you say anything snotty. You
18:52can write this down if you want.
18:53I would, but my pen is busy doing actual homework. Sweetie.
18:57So when do I yell, I want my real mommy and run out in tears? I'll surprise you.
19:02Please, this is important to me. Dad, I get it. It's your only chance for love, and I have complete
19:08control over your future happiness.
19:11Every parenting book says I shouldn't let you believe that.
19:19Kelly, where are you? What can I do? Are you okay? What's the matter?
19:22That I have to make up a lie to get my own brother to answer the phone?
19:25You have to promise me you'll come to mom and dad's anniversary. Kelly, I'm trying.
19:29Hey, listen to me. All they talk about is whether or not you'll be there. They're old, Malcolm. They could
19:34die any second.
19:35Decapitated in a car wreck. Slowly choking to death on a respirator from some lingering illness.
19:41Stabbed over and over by some drifter they took in. Clock is ticking, busy boy. You can do this for
19:46them.
19:46I am doing everything I can to be there, but my charity just has me so busy all the time.
19:50So you can figure out all this advanced infrastructure for hundreds of charities and corporations, but even after six months'
19:56notice, you can't plan half a day off?
19:58Wow, that's almost mom level.
20:01Okay, at their age, they're a little self-righteous, simultaneously overconfident, and insecure.
20:07Validate their intentions and blow some smoke.
20:09Look, I am glad that you see how important this is for mom and dad. They are lucky to have
20:13you looking out for them.
20:14Other kids your age aren't half as perceptive.
20:17What? I'm on the phone.
20:19Okay.
20:20Look, I am so sorry, but I do have to get back to work.
20:23But don't worry. I'm sure I can be there.
20:25Love you.
20:26Hey, Linda, can you print me that report?
20:29With that one, you've got to get in and out before they can think too much.
20:32How do you not allow glitter? You're a party venue.
20:36I just want a couple of handfuls for people to toss during our spotlight dance.
20:41Okay, so no glitter.
20:43Did our monogrammed cocktail stirs with little hearts, did they come in?
20:47No, no, they come with the Radiant Elegance Package.
20:52The Radiant Mystique Elegance Package? How much does that cost?
21:00Okay, let's do it.
21:02Such nonsense.
21:04I'm sorry to be taking all the attention away from your 40th birthday.
21:08Mom, I'm a 39. I was born on your first anniversary, not your wedding day.
21:14Thirty-nine?
21:17Of course you are.
21:18Hey, how are you guys enjoying the new guest suite?
21:20The garage?
21:21Yeah, once we unpacked the bag, stomped a few spiders, got the plastic tarp off the bed.
21:26It was real homey.
21:27Me and Dad did all the renovations.
21:29Your brother's become quite the handyman.
21:30Well, it is great.
21:32A heads up, the toilet wasn't connected. Would have been cool.
21:35You know, we could afford a motel.
21:37Absolutely not. We love having you here.
21:39Besides, you've got to save up some money until you get a solid job.
21:42Mom, I've been there 15 years. I'm senior management.
21:45I have 75 people under me.
21:47That's 75 people plotting to replace you.
21:50And you need to retie your bows.
21:52They need to be droopy.
21:53They droop?
21:54They need to droop languidly.
21:56Look at your father's.
21:58Your knots are too crisp.
22:00Use baby hands.
22:01Why don't you criticize his bows?
22:02Those aren't languid, they're turgid.
22:04Dad likes me better than you now.
22:07Did you ever talk to Malcolm?
22:08No, we keep trading emails back and forth.
22:11I know he's doing good things, but he is going to work himself to death.
22:14I just got off the phone with him.
22:17He's not coming.
22:24Okay, we can do this. It's going to be great.
22:26Love you.
22:27Mother, do you need to pee?
22:28No.
22:28Yes.
22:29No.
22:30You got to leave the door.
22:32No, I'm sorry.
22:34Leah, we're here.
22:37Leah, this is Tristan.
22:41Hi.
22:43Hi, Leah.
22:50Good.
22:51We're easing in slowly.
22:54It's no rush.
22:58So, how much did he prep you?
23:06When you were four, you tried to scare Miss Rachel into canceling preschool by saying her mold didn't look right.
23:14You have to twist your hamburger bun exactly three times so the condiments smear evenly.
23:21You refused an award from the State Young Sciences Challenge because you thought it would make you a famous nerd.
23:26You love being a physical therapist, but you are grossed out when you have to touch old people.
23:32You fly into a spitting rage if you do Wordle in three.
23:35I do.
23:36Sometimes when you stand up too fast, you fart, and I have to ignore.
23:41I do.
23:42You don't.
23:44Now him.
23:45Have you ever told me about his reluctant move in politics?
23:49Oh, my God.
23:51One time I found a notepad where he wrote,
23:53Assemblyman, congressman, lieutenant governor.
23:57And the thing with the actor shape.
24:03Why?
24:03I don't know.
24:06I've never been so happy to be humiliated in my life.
24:09It always does.
24:10This could be my family.
24:11My last checkbox.
24:12This is amazing.
24:14Malcolm.
24:15We are not doing this by email or text or over the phone or by Zoom.
24:19We are going to talk about it.
24:21No matter what you have to arrange,
24:23you are going to be at our anniversary with the rest of the family.
24:26Dad?
24:32You have a daughter?
24:34She's alive?
24:38What's happening?
24:44You made me do this!
24:46How come?
24:47This family's non-stop anti-social behavior and mindless belligerence and myopic priorities
24:52are toxic to me!
24:53Every single bad thing that happened to my life is your fault!
24:57Getting away from you is how I finally stopped being such an asshole!
25:02Wait, so your biggest problem is that we exist?
25:11Oh, oh, oh, oh!
25:16Who are you?
25:17I don't know.
25:19How could you do this to your family?
25:21No, stop!
25:23You insisted on barging in on my home, okay?
25:26Without an invitation.
25:27So you can at least give me the courtesy to explain myself.
25:30Please, sit down.
25:36Come on.
25:44I don't know.
26:20I don't know.
26:42Yeah!
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