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Malcolm In The Middle Lifes Still Unfair S01E01 [Full Movie] [Trending]Full EP - Full
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00:07Previously on Malcolm in the Middle
00:15What are you looking at?
00:18Wee!
00:21I've been stealing money from the church
00:33You're going to put your hands inside of mommy
00:35And take out this baby
00:38And someone actually asked for more of this
00:44Life is unfair
00:51I really appreciate the opportunity
00:53Everyone in my class was after this internship
00:56I fought tooth and nail work
00:57No problem, we are glad to have you
00:59So, what do you guys do?
01:02Well, we install computer systems
01:05In grocery store chains and food manufacturers
01:07To align their inventory software
01:09With food banks and shelters all across the country
01:11So instead of unused food getting dumped
01:14It goes to people who actually need it
01:15Got it, and what is a food bank?
01:20Maybe watch our video a few more times
01:27Yeah, I look different
01:29But hey, everything about me is different
01:32I'm happy
01:33I'm successful
01:34I've learned to work productively with idiots
01:36My life is fantastic now
01:40You want to know how I did it?
01:41All I had to do
01:43Is stay completely away from my family
01:46Here we go
02:00You know, I think you are finally beginning to thin out
02:03These things have lasted for six months
02:05You know, I can call back later
02:07Come on, Dewey
02:07You've seen this like a thousand times
02:09It's just a normal human body
02:11Doing normal human behavior
02:13Undergrowth
02:16How's the concert tour?
02:18It's fine
02:19But I'm really sorry
02:20I'm not going to make your anniversary party
02:22I'm sad too
02:23But you cannot turn down a chance to play for royalty
02:25I mean, what if Carl Gustav
02:27Wants to give you a knighthood or a sword or something?
02:29Is Jamie going to make it?
02:30I think so
02:31He put in for a leave
02:31Towel! Towel! Towel!
02:35Trauma averted
02:36Thank you
02:39Hey, Dewey
02:40Hi, Kelly
02:40How's school?
02:41Beneath me
02:42How's Sonia?
02:43Oh, um
02:44It's not Sonia anymore
02:45It's Lisbon
02:45No!
02:46Annette!
02:47Anyway
02:47She's good
02:48We're really connecting
02:49But we're going to go shopping later
02:51Do them want to come?
02:54Him can't come with we?
02:56Us has homework
02:57Hey, he's trying
02:58Don't mock him for it
02:59I'm not afraid of you
03:00That's not
03:01I get good grades
03:02I help around the house
03:03I'm your only kid without a file at the police station
03:06I'm untouchable
03:07Yeah, well
03:08It wouldn't kill you to tell your father you loved him every once in a while
03:12I love you
03:13Oh, that just sounds sarcastic
03:15I love you
03:17Nice and annoyed
03:18I kind of do
03:19It's your timbre
03:21I love you
03:21I love you
03:22I love you
03:23The middle one was nice
03:25Thank you
03:28So back in college
03:30I completely turned my life around
03:31Because I realized
03:33The less contact I have with my family
03:35The less I act like a sociopath
03:37I've become more patient
03:39Less angry
03:40Way more mature
03:42Anytime I am around them
03:44It takes me like two seconds to revert
03:46For crying out loud
03:47I speak fluent Spanish
03:48I know how to say quesadilla
03:50I don't know
03:50It sounded like you said
03:51Quesadilla
03:52Oh, no
03:52You're like
03:53Quesadilla
03:55Siempre hacen esto
03:56Intentan colegir a las personas por algo de lo que no sabes nada
03:59Say exactamente como van a enseñar quesadilla
04:02Quesadilla
04:03That's it
04:04That already said
04:05That already said
04:05Quesadilla
04:12Grandma's television was plasma
04:13I had to watch two episodes of frickin' Dexter with her
04:16And it was obvious from the rich deep black
04:18You're insane
04:19She bought that TV in 2015
04:20All right
04:21They already had full array LEDs
04:22With the same picture quality for a quarter of the price
04:26It's not showing off
04:27It's a completely sensible
04:29Mid-price sedan
04:30Why don't you just admit
04:31You're stuck up
04:32And shoving your shiny new car in my face
04:33To make me feel bad
04:34Is this stuck up
04:36Is this showing off
04:39Is this me trying to make you feel bad
04:42It's not them
04:43It's me
04:44Being around them
04:46So I've arranged my life to ensure absolute minimum contact
04:49My house is a true layover flight from anyone
04:52I'm always swamped with work on holidays
04:55But I also create the illusion of closeness
04:57With effusive emails
04:59And phone calls
05:00And birthday cards
05:01Saying how much I miss them
05:02And I can't wait to see them
05:03It's really important to me
05:05Not to hurt their feelings
05:07Because then
05:07They'll make me talk to them about it face to face
05:10Welcome to Huge Mart
05:12Where our deals are
05:13We still need a 200 pack of votive candles
05:14And a thousand feet of ruby tassel garland
05:17Oh, there's gold
05:18No, 40th anniversary's ruby
05:19Not gold
05:20Get in the game, Hal
05:22Hey, lovebirds
05:24I hid your mini disco balls
05:26Thank you, Craig
05:27They're in the clone aisle
05:28Behind my signature scent
05:32Which is
05:33Suave Sauvage
05:34For him
05:35Already got it
05:37So, how do you like the new job?
05:39Well, my heart belongs to Lucky Aid
05:42But after they denied my promotion
05:44And that mysterious, untraceable fire
05:46I'm glad I found a new home
05:47Lois
05:48Come quick
05:49It's that famous celebrity you like
05:56Oh, yeah, yeah
05:58Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
06:03Never had much faith in love for miracles
06:07Miracles
06:09Never wanna put my heart on the line
06:16But swimming in your water
06:18Is something spiritual
06:21Spiritual
06:22Spiritual
06:22Spiritual
06:22I'm born again every time you spend the night
06:27E-I-I-I
06:29Cause the sex takes me to paradise
06:32And it's true
06:36Yeah, yeah, yeah
06:38Cause you make me feel like
06:41I've been locked out of heaven
06:45For too long
06:47And it's true
06:50Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah
06:53Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah
06:56Yeah, yeah, yeah
06:59Can I just stay here?
07:02And spend the rest of my days here?
07:05Cause your sex takes me to paradise
07:32That's it.
07:33Now it's my meatball.
07:36Okay, let's take it from the sex part.
07:38Guys, you know, that was magical.
07:40Let's not go past it.
07:42It was lovely.
07:43Hell, thank you.
07:44Well, it was just a little weird two weeks before the anniversary.
07:47No!
07:48Before or after the party.
07:49We agreed.
07:50You can do anything you want, as often as you want, before or after.
07:54The actual anniversary day is mine.
07:57You promise.
07:57Under duress, I'll promise anything when you do that thing.
08:02Hal, for 39 years of anniversaries and birthdays and really every celebration,
08:07you do the most wonderful, romantic, amazing grand gestures.
08:11The fireworks display?
08:13Oh, yeah.
08:13Releasing those doves?
08:15That should have been done outside and away from the fam.
08:18And now this once, I want to be the one deciding how we celebrate and not have your plans just
08:24happen to me.
08:27Uh, yeah.
08:28Why don't you play with your friends while I finish up?
08:33She makes it seem like every little romantic gesture I've ever made is crazy.
08:39No, no.
08:40It won't hurt to let Lois do it exactly the way she wants to, for one.
08:44Oh, so I just sit back, do nothing, like I don't even love her?
08:47No, no, no.
08:47Not on my watch.
08:48Hal, please.
08:49You're the only one of us still married.
08:51Do not break a promise to that woman.
08:53I would never.
08:55Lois gets her day.
08:57But until then, every moment of every day, I will show her so much love,
09:01she will run screaming at the sight of me.
09:17Nice, right?
09:18And this isn't even the best thing.
09:20The best thing.
09:21The best thing in the whole world is who's inside it.
09:24My daughter, Leah.
09:26She's kind of a trophy I won in college for attending my first kegger.
09:29She hates that joke.
09:33Her mother, Dreamer.
09:34Yes, her name is Dreamer.
09:37Ran off three days after giving birth, so single father.
09:40But I'm good at it.
09:42I just imagine what my parents would do and do the exact opposite.
09:45It's not that hard.
09:50I won't make it worse.
09:51I won't make it worse.
09:56Just so you know, I don't cry like this all the time.
09:59And I also do depressed apathy, paralyzed embarrassment, and impotent fury.
10:07It's a rich inner life.
10:10Sweetie, what's wrong?
10:11Allison Gibgott invited me to her birthday party.
10:15Why is that sad?
10:17You want the list?
10:18I only want...
10:18Allison and her friends did this as a joke.
10:20They know I know they don't want me to go.
10:22If I do go, they'll freeze me out until I burst into tears
10:25and Daddy comes to get me, which is what they really want.
10:27I'm completely isolated at school.
10:30I've never had any friends.
10:31And my personality, by which I mean your personality,
10:35makes it impossible for me to ever have any.
10:39Okay, well, do you want my list?
10:41You're intelligent.
10:42You're beautiful and hardworking and incredibly perceptive.
10:46Yeah, thanks for that, too.
10:47That's how I notice every smirk
10:49and slight and microscopic eye roll
10:52aimed at me since first grade.
10:53Why'd you have to be so gentle with me growing up?
10:55I have no armor!
10:57Leah, look, I am so sorry you're going through this,
11:00but I promise it'll get better.
11:02It got so much better for me once I went off to college,
11:05so that's less than a...
11:07a decade.
11:10It's actually worse when he tries hard.
11:15Why'd that make you nervous?
11:17What?
11:17Your phone.
11:18Why did that call make you nervous?
11:20I'm not nervous.
11:21It was just work and we're talking.
11:24Maybe my concern for how upset you are
11:26is coming across as nervous.
11:27And why do you keep it so hot in here?
11:29I want to be alone now anyway.
11:31Okay.
11:32I'm not going to smother you.
11:34But I'm here for you, like always.
11:37I love you.
11:39Really love you.
11:43Love you so much.
11:49Malcolm, I need you to call me back today
11:51about our anniversary.
11:52We have to know when you're coming.
11:53And we know you're coming
11:54because you would never be
11:55that monstrously inconsiderate.
11:57Love you.
11:59I didn't answer Dad's voicemail yesterday,
12:01so I knew it would escalate to Mom.
12:03I wrote the email.
12:04Sorry, I was in emergency meetings till late
12:06and I just heard your voicemail.
12:07I scheduled that to send at 2.16 a.m.
12:10That way I look considerate
12:12for emailing instead of calling her back.
12:14Trust me, she'll check the timestamp.
12:16I have to set up six more food banks this month,
12:18but barring a crisis, I'll be there.
12:20That's what's great about running a charity.
12:23Anything I say is a crisis
12:24is a crisis for charity.
12:29Scored the cut, dry-fitted twice,
12:31so now I glue it down.
12:33Perfect.
12:34This is so easy, I had no idea.
12:36I can't wait to start the gazebo next week.
12:38You know, Reese,
12:39doing these projects together every weekend,
12:43I love it more than anything.
12:44Me too.
12:45I have to confess, though,
12:47that this floor was fine.
12:51You don't actually have to
12:53rotate floor tiles every six months.
12:55I know.
12:56You do?
12:58But almost every job we've done,
13:00the car,
13:01the backyard irrigation,
13:02the washing machine,
13:03they didn't need to be done either.
13:05It's my favorite thing to do anyway.
13:06I'm spending a lot of money
13:08fixing things that
13:09don't need fixing.
13:12And since this is really
13:14just about us spending time together,
13:16maybe we can do jigsaw puzzles.
13:18No!
13:18I know how to do puzzles.
13:20You steal one piece,
13:22so you're the only one that can finish it.
13:24We have to be building
13:25or fixing things.
13:26Oh, son.
13:26Whoa.
13:27What's going on?
13:30Dad,
13:31have you ever heard of
13:32a metaphor?
13:36Yes, Reese.
13:38We all know my life sucks.
13:39I ruin my job,
13:41my marriages.
13:43I don't really have any friends.
13:46That's not the metaphor yet.
13:48Ready?
13:49Things like gluing these tiles
13:50so they fit together perfectly
13:52is a metaphor for me
13:54fitting in with people.
13:56And these tools
13:57are a metaphor for you
13:59and all the things in life
14:01you're teaching me.
14:02Mm-hmm.
14:02Dad,
14:03you're a tool.
14:04A tool to help me
14:06build my life back.
14:09I will always be your tool.
14:15You know what's great
14:16about going to a fancy
14:18private high school?
14:20Nothing.
14:21It is the same emotional
14:22shithole as every other
14:23high school.
14:26Leah!
14:27Hi.
14:28Allison.
14:28Did you get my invitation?
14:30It's going to be really fun.
14:31Dad got an aura camera.
14:32I did.
14:34Thanks.
14:34Great.
14:35See you there.
14:47Leah?
14:48Oh, hey, Cheyenne.
14:49I couldn't finish my math homework.
14:51Can you show me
14:51how to do a slope intercept?
14:53Of course.
14:54I don't mind at all.
14:55I'm always happy to help.
14:56You know,
14:56you don't have to panic about it.
14:58I wasn't panicking.
15:00Oh.
15:01It's just,
15:02I can see
15:02where you've been
15:03pulling out your hair.
15:05I'm not saying
15:05you pull out your hair.
15:06It's probably just ringworm.
15:07And that's easy to fix.
15:09Eight weeks of fungicide pills.
15:11Because it's not
15:11an actual worm
15:12inside your head.
15:12It's a fungus.
15:16Oh, God.
15:17What do I do?
15:18Make it seem like
15:19I was joking?
15:27What is wrong with her?
15:29I'm really sorry
15:30about the whole thing.
15:31You othered Cheyenne
15:32in view of the peer group.
15:34Yeah, I knew
15:34I was upsetting her
15:35and I was trying to fix it.
15:36But I kept making it worse
15:38because right before,
15:39other girls hurt my feelings.
15:40So I wasn't thinking clearly.
15:42I'm not blaming them.
15:44They can't help it.
15:45Robert Sapolsky
15:46has pretty compelling research
15:47that endorphin levels
15:48actually spike
15:48when members of an in-group
15:49exclude or attack
15:50members of an out-group.
15:52At least with chimpanzees.
15:57He's on YouTube.
16:08Once a week,
16:09he'll stand in the front yard
16:10shirtless and flex.
16:17Get ready.
16:18You're going to see
16:19something shocking.
16:22Hey,
16:23I'm proud of us.
16:24We actually got all the way
16:25to the bed
16:25before you went at it.
16:29Tristan,
16:30my girlfriend.
16:31I mean,
16:32it is so much more than that.
16:34She loves me.
16:35I know,
16:36it sounds like a lie
16:37to me too.
16:41How was your day?
16:42It was good.
16:43We won the
16:43Grosvenor Innovation Grant.
16:45I beat an AI.
16:47Dude,
16:48you don't have to keep
16:48proving how smart you are.
16:49I really don't care.
16:51Oh,
16:51except for my taxes.
16:53That was awesome.
16:54So what do you care about?
16:56I care that you always
16:57listen to me
16:58and that you're supportive
17:00and that you keep
17:01your promises.
17:03And
17:04mostly I care that
17:05you understand
17:06in a deep
17:08and complete way
17:09who I am
17:11inside.
17:13Then you love me anyway.
17:15And I am so grateful
17:16for that.
17:18Jesus,
17:19I thought we were just
17:19doing panter.
17:23I gotta get one.
17:27She's gonna like me.
17:29Right?
17:29Are you kidding?
17:30Leah's gonna love you.
17:32You're as worried as I am.
17:33What makes you say that?
17:33Because you know
17:34that if she doesn't like me
17:35we can't
17:37move forward.
17:38I mean,
17:39eventually we'd have
17:40to break up.
17:40But I have so many plans
17:41to prevent that.
17:43Mutual interest outings,
17:44weekly kindness days,
17:45shared journaling.
17:46There's one
17:46where you hold on
17:48to the end of a yarn ball
17:48and you pass it back
17:49and forth to each other
17:50and you keep saying
17:51nice things
17:52and you keep throwing it
17:53until you guys are both
17:54tied up really tight together
17:55in the yarn.
17:58I'm betting on us.
18:00Look,
18:00you can make friends
18:01with anyone.
18:02I've seen it.
18:02And it's obvious
18:03how much we love each other.
18:04Leah's gonna see that
18:05and she's gonna want
18:05to be a part of it.
18:06I don't know.
18:07When I was her age
18:08I hated myself
18:09and everything
18:10in my field of vision.
18:11So shall I grow it?
18:12Can we wait for that?
18:14No.
18:14No.
18:15It is past time
18:16we did this.
18:17We're doing it.
18:19Okay.
18:20You're also
18:21honest
18:22and sincere
18:24and sensitive.
18:25Not to mention
18:26in bed
18:27the way you combine
18:29enthusiasm
18:29and startling
18:32physical strength
18:33with a clear
18:34understanding
18:35of nuance.
18:36Yeah.
18:38Tristan likes green
18:39so maybe wear your chinos.
18:41She went to private school too
18:42so you can talk about that.
18:43And politics
18:44just makes her upset.
18:47Movies.
18:47She can talk about them
18:48all day
18:49but she loves rom-com
18:50so don't you say
18:50anything snotty.
18:52You can write this down
18:53if you want.
18:53I would
18:54but my pen is busy
18:55doing actual homework.
18:57Sweetie.
18:57So when do I yell
18:58I want my real mommy
18:59and run out in tears?
19:01I'll surprise you.
19:02Please.
19:03This is important to me.
19:04Dad.
19:04I get it.
19:05It's your only chance
19:06for love
19:06and I have complete control
19:08over your future happiness.
19:11Every parenting book
19:12says I shouldn't
19:13let you believe that.
19:19Kelly where are you?
19:20What can I do?
19:21Are you okay?
19:21What's the matter?
19:22That I have to make up a lie
19:23to get my own brother
19:24to answer the phone.
19:25You have to promise me
19:26you'll come to mom and dad's anniversary.
19:28Kelly I'm trying.
19:29Hey listen to me.
19:30All they talk about
19:31is whether or not
19:31you'll be there.
19:32They're old Malcolm.
19:34They could die any second.
19:35Decapitated in a car wreck.
19:37Slowly choking to death
19:38on a respirator
19:39from some lingering illness.
19:41Stabbed over and over
19:42or by some drifter they took in.
19:43Clock is ticking busy boy.
19:45You can do this for them.
19:46I am doing everything
19:47I can to be there
19:48but my charity
19:49just has me so busy all the time.
19:50So you can figure out
19:51all this advanced infrastructure
19:52for hundreds of charities
19:53and corporations
19:54but even after six months notice
19:56you can't plan half a day off?
19:58Wow.
19:59That's almost mom level.
20:01Okay.
20:01At their age
20:02they're a little self-righteous
20:03simultaneously overconfident
20:05and insecure.
20:07Validate their intentions
20:08and blow some smoke.
20:09Look I am glad
20:10that you see how important
20:11this is for mom and dad.
20:12They are lucky
20:12to have you looking out for them.
20:14Other kids your age
20:15aren't half as perceptive.
20:17What?
20:18I'm on the phone.
20:19Okay.
20:20Look I am so sorry
20:22but I do have to get back to work.
20:23But don't worry
20:24I'm sure I can be there.
20:26Love you.
20:26Hey Linda
20:26can you print me that report?
20:29With that one
20:29you gotta get in and out
20:31before they can think too much.
20:32How do you not allow glitter?
20:34You're a party venue.
20:36I just want a couple of handfuls
20:37for people to toss
20:38during our spotlight dance.
20:40Okay.
20:41So no glitter.
20:43Did our monogrammed cocktail stirrers
20:45with little hearts
20:46did they come in?
20:47No.
20:48No.
20:48They come with
20:49the Radiant Elegance Package.
20:52The Radiant Mystique Elegance Package?
20:55How much does that cost?
21:00Okay.
21:01Just do it.
21:02Such nonsense.
21:04I'm sorry to be taking
21:05all the attention away
21:06from your 40th birthday.
21:08Mom I'm a 39.
21:09I was born on your first anniversary
21:11not your wedding day.
21:1439?
21:17Of course you are.
21:18Hey how are you guys
21:19enjoying the new guest suite?
21:20The garage?
21:21Yeah.
21:22Once we unpacked the bag
21:23stomped a few spiders
21:24got the plastic tarp
21:25off the bed.
21:26It was real homey.
21:27Me and dad did
21:28all the renovations.
21:29Your brother's become
21:29quite the handyman.
21:30Well it is great.
21:32A heads up
21:33the toilet wasn't connected
21:34would have been cool.
21:35You know we could
21:36afford a motel.
21:37Absolutely not.
21:38We love having you here.
21:40Besides you gotta save up
21:40some money
21:41until you get a solid job.
21:42Mom
21:42I've been there 15 years
21:44on senior management.
21:46I have 75 people
21:47under me.
21:47That's 75 people
21:48plotting to replace you.
21:50And you need to
21:51retie your bows.
21:52They need to be droopy.
21:53They droop?
21:54They need to droop
21:55languidly.
21:56Look at your father's.
21:58Your knots are too crisp.
22:00Use baby hands.
22:01Why don't you
22:01criticize his bows?
22:02Those aren't languid
22:03they're turgid.
22:04Dad likes me
22:05better than you now.
22:07Did you ever talk
22:08to Malcolm?
22:08No.
22:09We keep trading emails
22:10back and forth.
22:10I know he's doing
22:11good things
22:12but he is gonna
22:13work himself to death.
22:14I just got off
22:14the phone with him.
22:17He's not coming.
22:23Okay.
22:24We can do this.
22:25It's gonna be great.
22:26Love you.
22:27Love you.
22:27Do you need to pee?
22:28No.
22:28Yes.
22:29No.
22:30You got the lip.
22:31No, I'm sorry.
22:34Leah, we're here.
22:38Leah, this is Tristan.
22:41Hi.
22:43Hi, Leah.
22:50Good.
22:51We're easing in slowly.
22:54There's no rush.
22:58So, how much did he prep you?
23:06When you were 4-y,
23:07try to scare Miss Rachel
23:08into canceling preschool
23:09by saying her mold
23:10didn't look right.
23:14You have to twist
23:15your hamburger bun
23:16exactly three times
23:17so the condiments
23:18smear evenly.
23:21You refused an award
23:22from the State Young
23:23Sciences Challenge
23:23because you thought
23:24it would make you
23:25a famous nerd.
23:26You love being
23:27a physical therapist
23:28but you are grossed out
23:29when you have to
23:30touch old people.
23:32You fly into a spitting rage
23:33if you do Wordle
23:34in three.
23:35I do.
23:36Sometimes when you
23:37stand up too fast
23:38you fart
23:39and I have to ignore.
23:41I do.
23:42You don't.
23:44Now him.
23:45Has he ever told you
23:47about his
23:47reluctant move
23:48in politics?
23:49Oh my God.
23:51So, one time
23:51I found a notepad
23:52where he wrote
23:52Assemblyman,
23:53Congressman,
23:55Lieutenant Governor
23:57and the thing
23:58with the actor shape.
24:03Why?
24:03I don't know.
24:06I've never been
24:07so happy
24:07to be humiliated
24:08in my life.
24:09It always does.
24:10This could be my family.
24:11My last checkbox.
24:12This is amazing.
24:14Malcolm,
24:15we are not doing this
24:16by email
24:17or text
24:18or over the phone
24:18or by Zoom.
24:19We are going
24:20to talk about it.
24:21No matter what
24:22you have to arrange,
24:23you are going
24:24to be at our anniversary
24:25with the rest
24:25of the family.
24:26Dad?
24:32You have a daughter?
24:34She's alive?
24:38What's happening?
24:44You made me do this!
24:46Malcolm,
24:47this family's
24:47non-stop anti-social
24:48behavior
24:49and mindless belligerence
24:50and myopic priorities
24:52are toxic to me!
24:53Every single bad thing
24:55that happened
24:55to my life
24:55is your fault!
24:57Getting away
24:57from you
24:58is how I finally
24:59stopped being
24:59such an asshole!
25:02Wait,
25:03so your biggest problem
25:05is that we exist?
25:16I don't know
25:18how could you do this
25:20to your family?
25:22No,
25:22stop!
25:23You insisted
25:24on barging in
25:25on my home,
25:25okay?
25:26Without an invitation,
25:27so you can at least
25:28give me the courtesy
25:28to explain myself.
25:30Please,
25:30sit down.
25:35we'll be back in the
25:39room for your
25:43time to talk to you
25:43and arrest you
25:44to my family.
25:44Oh!
25:45Oh!
25:47Oh!
25:47Oh!
25:53I don't know.
26:29You're not the boss of me now, you're not the boss of me now, and you're not so big.
26:50I don't know.
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