- 8 hours ago
The Trades S03E05 [Full Movie] [Must See]Full EP - Full
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Short filmTranscript
00:01Oh, this is so warm. It's like Rio de Janeiro.
00:05What's that?
00:06It's a city in Brazil.
00:08Serious?
00:09It smells like this.
00:11Is that a fucking garbage fire?
00:13Dude, we were wondering that too.
00:15Yeah, were you two geniuses wondering enough to do something about it?
00:18Uh, we were trying to contain it.
00:20How?
00:21By watching it.
00:22Only then can we truly understand it.
00:25We're the guardians of the inferno.
00:28I tried pouring my coffee on it and nothing happened.
00:31Should we pull a fire alarm?
00:32Well, there's a fire extinguisher right there.
00:34You're part of the volunteer fire team for fuck's sakes.
00:37Uh, I am at work right now so I can't volunteer.
00:40Yeah, get smarter.
00:42Conflict of interest.
00:43Do I gotta fucking do everything around here?
00:44What are your interests?
00:45Oh buddy, insects are the best.
00:46Can you believe this shit?
00:47I built this terrarium where a spider and a bee battle.
00:49I give honey to the bee, I give water to the tarantula, and they go out.
00:52Who started it?
00:53Spontaneous.
00:54Seriously, no one knows.
00:55It was Jesus, I assume.
00:59What?
01:02Clean it up!
01:04Where'd my smoke go?
01:08Okay, let's get to the bottom of this goddamn fire.
01:11Shit, there's birds in front of all the cameras.
01:13No clear visuals, just birds.
01:16More birds.
01:18Taser's been feeding the fucking pigeons again.
01:20So we don't know who started it.
01:22Okay.
01:23Standard protocol is we open up a fire incident investigation, sit everybody down, conduct interviews.
01:28Hope for a snitch.
01:29No.
01:29Snitches get stitches.
01:31Damn right.
01:31I know these guys inside out.
01:33Let me handle this.
01:34Hey!
01:35I don't know.
01:35I'm supposed to put it on the back door.
01:38So, no one has fessed up to starting the garbage fire.
01:40Nope.
01:41And I know you're not going to publicly rat anyone out, so we're going to do it anonymously.
01:45Oh, please.
01:45That's a confession box for cowards.
01:50We take fires very serious around here.
01:52We figure out what happened, it never happens again, and we go back to work.
01:56So.
01:57I don't want to work.
01:58Feel free to share.
01:59I'm here to listen.
02:00My ass.
02:00Well, I'm here to read.
02:02Todd's got a bitch box.
02:03Todd's got a bitch box.
02:04Todd's got a bitch box.
02:06Todd's got a bitch box.
02:08All right.
02:10Real fucking funny.
02:16Come on, people.
02:17It's not that hard.
02:18So, no one has anything to say.
02:19That's nice.
02:21We're not leaving this room until we get to the bottom of this.
02:24He's going to sit here all fucking day.
02:25Fill the cards out.
02:26Let's go.
02:27All right, Toddy.
02:28Traitor.
02:28You want me to come in your box?
02:30You don't know anything about.
02:32That's a start.
02:33It's not anonymous.
02:34We all know who wrote it.
02:34I just want to get back to work.
02:36Keep it coming.
02:37So, what do you think?
02:38You want to touch all the bases?
02:39This is normal later.
02:39This is great.
02:40A little quickie, uh, check-in.
02:41A little face, Todd.
02:43Except my face will be right here.
02:44Okay, you're not very good at this, are you?
02:46There you go, bud.
02:47I could be.
02:48Up for a little impromptu tool inspection.
02:50This is going to start a real fucking fire.
02:53Well, that's the spirit.
02:54Let's get this show on the road.
02:55Suck on that, Todd.
02:58I'm not reading that one out loud.
03:00You have to read them out loud, Todd.
03:02There's no writing.
03:03Do you want me to describe this?
03:04Yes.
03:05Sure.
03:05This is a vagina pissing on a fire.
03:08Oh, sweet.
03:08Who's is that?
03:09Nummy, nummy, nummy, nummy.
03:10No help there.
03:11That is anatomically correct.
03:13It is well done, though.
03:14Very hairy.
03:14I have to read dirty things all the time.
03:17I'm HR.
03:18Yeah, we know.
03:18Allow me.
03:19Hey, Homer.
03:19I think this one's mine.
03:21Uh...
03:21It's okay.
03:22You don't want to read that.
03:23No, let her read it, Todd.
03:24Trust me.
03:25I got it.
03:25Check this one out.
03:26Janet needs...
03:27To get laid.
03:29Yes, she does.
03:30This is 100% accurate.
03:32It's the truth.
03:33I'm desperate.
03:34Told ya.
03:34Feedback cards, eh?
03:36You sure you don't want to just use standard protocol for fires?
03:39You know, question people, establish timelines, identify ignition source?
03:43Trying to think outside the box here.
03:45By thinking inside the box?
03:47I think this may actually work.
03:49Great.
03:50Keep me posted.
03:53The piss cookies in the shitter are rank.
03:56Janet needs to stop flapping her gums about how I dress.
04:00That's me.
04:01Are we running a refinery here or a beauty pageant?
04:03Your laces are always loose.
04:06Yep.
04:06Your coveralls stink like shit.
04:08That's my musk.
04:09And you cut the sleeves off of every shirt, which is unhygienic.
04:13I gotta let my arms breathe.
04:14Preach, taser.
04:15I get more complaints about you than I do anyone else in the facility.
04:18Really?
04:18That's what I was going for.
04:20And you're a shit driver.
04:23You never yield to oncoming traffic, you never use your blinker, and you park across two spaces.
04:28True.
04:29You can tell me how to dress, Janet, but you can't say I'm a shit driver.
04:32Shit driver.
04:33Okay, taser can drive, and you've got rules, Janet.
04:36Moving on.
04:37I can drive.
04:38Fuck.
04:39Don't worry about it, you're a good driver.
04:40Bummer is a pyrophile.
04:42Fire makes her horny.
04:43It does not.
04:45Why the hell would you write that, you dick?
04:47Why would you think I wrote that?
04:49You're the only one that knows.
04:50We all know now.
04:51We were trying to get to the bottom of the fire.
04:53Your hoo-ha gets moist at every open flame.
04:55I thought it was important information.
04:56If everyone must know, it's only because I got my cherry pop watching backdraft.
05:00Well, at least that's about fire.
05:01It's getting hot here.
05:02Well, calm down.
05:02We were the only ones in the theater.
05:04I hope so.
05:04Is that a musical?
05:04Did anybody else write anything about the actual fucking fire?
05:09What fire?
05:10Morning Roach.
05:11Lunch ready?
05:12Todd says open door policy, but his door is literally always closed.
05:16Yeah.
05:16What the hell are you doing in there anyway?
05:17Just yanking it?
05:18I'm doing actual work.
05:20Shit.
05:21Okay, this next card, it's going to be about the fire.
05:24I know it.
05:24I can feel it.
05:25Yeah, yeah, read it.
05:27Taser's homemade hot sauce is too spicy.
05:29The next day it felt like I was shitting a saw blade.
05:32Now I have anal... tissues?
05:35Issues?
05:36Tissures.
05:37Yeah, yeah.
05:38I have a really sensitive anal cavity and there was an alarming amount of blood in the bowl.
05:43So I guess you wrote this one.
05:45Just use less peppers, alright pal?
05:46Less peppers.
05:47Todd can't take constructive criticism.
05:50Okay, that is ridiculous.
05:51Who the fuck wrote this card?
05:53Me again.
05:54Seriously, Taser?
05:54We are never going to figure this out, man.
05:57I have one.
05:58Stand point.
06:00Todd got rid of the only thing I loved about him.
06:03His rat tail.
06:04Thank you for the constructive criticism, Dewey.
06:09This hair looks great.
06:09See how I'm embracing that?
06:10Yeah, nice shirt.
06:11Okay.
06:12Please, let this next card be about the fire.
06:15Come on, Todd.
06:16Help me out here.
06:19If this isn't a safety violation, I don't know what is.
06:21Backwoods has been plowing Audrey in Tank 18.
06:24What?
06:25Fuck off.
06:26Who the fuck wrote that one?
06:27What the fuck?
06:28What the fuck is right?
06:29Audrey, is this true?
06:30Who the fuck's writing that shit?
06:32Yeah, right?
06:32You fuckers think that's funny?
06:33Shit is getting spicy.
06:35Yeah, it is.
06:35What in the actual fuck?
06:37Where's load of hooey?
06:39Is this make shit up hour, everybody?
06:41Yeah, really fucking funny.
06:43Hilarious.
06:44Ha ha ha ha.
06:45Jesus, take it easy.
06:46You think I'm into him?
06:47Right?
06:47Fucking look at him.
06:48Hard pass.
06:49What?
06:50This is fucking grade A beef right here, all right?
06:53You look like a fucking ostrich.
06:55Easy now.
06:56Oh, you look like a bloated yeti with a perm.
06:58You don't have any good insults.
07:00Okay, sit down you two.
07:02Let's get back on track.
07:03Well, why would anyone write that down and lie about it?
07:05I don't fucking know.
07:06Same reason someone made up the dumbass rumor that Leonard had a threesome with two lady engineers at the nerd
07:15seminar in Truro.
07:16Wait, people were saying that?
07:17Wow.
07:19Yeah.
07:19Apparently.
07:20Like which engineers?
07:21Tina or Shelly?
07:23Shelly's pretty hot.
07:24We shared an Uber to the airport once and he might have brushed a shin, giving people ideas.
07:28The point is that nobody is taking these cards seriously.
07:32This fire could have caused a lot of damage.
07:33True.
07:34It's fire.
07:35Okay, we're going off the rails here.
07:36Let's take a break.
07:37Everyone think about what they want to say about the fire.
07:40And let's fill this fucking box, please.
07:42I'm like crashed out pretty hard.
07:44Could we like go over the box once again?
07:46Why don't you go back to sleep, Roach, you stone queef?
07:49Come on, Leonard.
07:50What are you saying?
07:51Just spit it out.
07:51Just so you guys know, I've only had sex with my wife.
07:54I haven't had sex with her recently.
07:56All right.
07:57Why is this line so long?
07:59Because obviously Tanner isn't Jimmy, for fuck's sake.
08:02Last time we had sex was the night we got the Shih Tzu puppy.
08:05Damn.
08:06Isn't your dog four?
08:07Scram, cricket.
08:08The fuck?
08:09The big kids need this room.
08:10Come back in ten.
08:11Tool inspection.
08:12Eat, get one.
08:13Fucking see ya.
08:14Well, at least sanitize after your-
08:16Why didn't you grab my straight paintbrush before you got kicked out, man?
08:19You signed your name as Lucio.
08:20The paperwork's wrong.
08:21Oh, the paperwork's wrong.
08:23Well, I filled out the bring your child to work paperwork in your ear.
08:25Tool inspection, huh?
08:27Good call.
08:28Who the fuck wrote that card?
08:29I have no idea.
08:30But if I find out, I will slap the yellow off of their mangy rat teeth.
08:34Bigger question, though, is do you think that Todd fucking believed it?
08:36I don't know that either.
08:37But why don't we just tell him the truth?
08:39What?
08:39No!
08:40Why don't we find out who started that stupid fucking fire?
08:42Maybe that'll distract him from us.
08:44Okay.
08:44That's a good plan.
08:45Solid plan.
08:46It's a hot, sexy ostrich clan is what it is.
08:49Cool.
08:50Fuck you.
08:50Fuck me hard.
08:51Where are you going?
08:52We got eight minutes.
08:53I only need two.
08:54Mm-hmm.
08:54Yeah, yeah.
08:55You just keep sucking on that thing.
08:56Okay?
08:58I love the fucking bill in my...
09:01Now we gotta take this to Todd.
09:04Fucking excited.
09:05Who's got an open door policy now, motherfuckers?
09:07Sorry to be pedantic there, Todd, but that's more of a no door policy.
09:11And it's in effect.
09:13Tanner and Roach, be patient, everybody.
09:16Todd will get to you all.
09:17You fucking hag.
09:18I can't get into my computer.
09:19You changed the password?
09:20No.
09:21Maybe you just didn't type it in properly on account of those disgusting long square names.
09:25Everyone knows it's squabble or coffin shape now.
09:27At least I'm not still wearing glitter polish.
09:29Ladies!
09:30Glitter is eternal.
09:31Yeah, it is.
09:32It's nice.
09:33Yeah, thanks.
09:34I think French kids are very classy.
09:36They are.
09:37And they make your fingers look short.
09:39And mine are pretty.
09:40Hey, hey, hey.
09:42Isn't today beach day Friday?
09:44Why don't you hash it out over some drinky-poos down by the water?
09:48Drinky-poos are for besties.
09:49I'd rather go with Dewey anyway.
09:50Too bad.
09:51Dewey's coming with me.
09:52Kill to the no.
09:53Come on, Dewey!
09:53Dewey comes with me!
09:55Dewey!
09:55Come on!
09:55Ow!
09:56It's enough for the milk to hydrate us all!
09:59Ow!
10:14I thought I walked that.
10:16You okay?
10:17I need a favor.
10:19Is that an ant farm?
10:20Close.
10:21I'm harvesting earwig pheromones.
10:23He's not close.
10:25Why?
10:26Fuck it.
10:26Never mind.
10:27Just don't bring that shit home.
10:28No shit.
10:29They're far too emotionally sensitive.
10:31I'm trying to find out who started that fire and I need your help.
10:34Because if you expose the fire starter, it'll distract Todd from the feedback card about you in Backwoods.
10:41Yes.
10:41So what do you got for Nico's protocol?
10:43No.
10:44I shut that down.
10:46I don't poke the bear.
10:49I'm a normal man now.
10:50You are not normal, Homer.
10:52Homer.
10:53Homer.
10:55I'm desperate.
10:57Goodbye odds.
10:59Ew.
11:00Okay, fine.
11:01I know that you used Todd's tug rug for your night time rituals.
11:04Want me to text him and tell him right now?
11:08How can I help you?
11:08I don't take it.
11:10You sniff the paint.
11:11Hey, stop that.
11:11You smoke in my fucking chest.
11:13Right, boys.
11:13It's my emotional support thing.
11:15What the fuck do you mean?
11:16I got glaucoma.
11:18Glaucoma?
11:18Do you smoke the glue now?
11:21You guys take whatever this is outside.
11:22Come on.
11:22I need a word with Todd.
11:23I want to step outside.
11:25Play nice fuckwads.
11:26Stop fucking dealing with.
11:28Come on Cricket.
11:28What's up Chelsea?
11:29There hasn't been a single weld thrown today.
11:31Payroll hasn't gone out because Bev and Barb aren't even speaking.
11:34If people don't get paid.
11:35We will have a walk out on our hands.
11:37That can't happen.
11:38You guys almost done?
11:39Leonard won't stop talking about his wife's sexual balloon fetish.
11:42Oh god.
11:43Oh good.
11:44Come to the parking lot ASAP.
11:46Shit's going down.
11:47Fuck.
11:48Best day ever.
11:50I'm just having my lunch.
11:51You have to go park somewhere else.
11:52I'm not trying to scare you.
11:53I'm just saying this is my fucking state.
11:55What the fuck is going on here?
11:57I'm just another shit driver trying to have a relaxed lunch hour.
12:00In my parking spot.
12:01Right now.
12:01Lord fuck Taser, are you serious?
12:03Let it go.
12:04Go park way in the back where we park Janet.
12:06Enjoy the walk.
12:07No, I'm not going to do that.
12:09You need to learn a lesson and I'm going to park in my spot.
12:11Could you just park somewhere else for today Janet?
12:14It's the principal.
12:15I'm hitting the gas taser.
12:16No you're not.
12:17No you're not.
12:18Oh running people over?
12:20Who's the shit driver now Janet?
12:21Would you run them flat already?
12:23Hit them all back.
12:23You've been caught.
12:24Hey.
12:25Todd, the feedback cards aren't working.
12:27We know more than enough about everyone's sex lives,
12:28but we're still no closer to finding out who started this fire.
12:31You know your crew right?
12:32Yes.
12:32Fucking fix this.
12:33Stop it up.
12:35Everyone in the lunch room.
12:37Now.
12:37Let's go.
12:38Here's the man.
12:39The spot's mine.
12:41Puzzle it up losers.
12:42Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
12:43What?
12:44You just kicked my chair to us.
12:45Come on everybody.
12:46What do you got for me?
12:47Here we go and we are live.
12:51Holy shit Homer, I thought you chilled out on the spying.
12:53I never stopped watching.
12:55I just pretended I didn't care.
12:57Now let's take a closer look.
12:59Who's Juanita?
13:00I name all my cameras after significant women in my life.
13:03Juanita is located in the vending machine.
13:05And then of course there's this angle.
13:08Maureen's my favorite.
13:09That's why I put her on the roof under the stars.
13:11That's romantic.
13:13All right, and bingo.
13:16There she is.
13:17Our sparkling little crime scene.
13:19Can you zoom in on that?
13:20Can I zoom in?
13:21You know dumb questions like that would have made the old Homer flip this whole fucking
13:25van.
13:26That's fucking dramatic man.
13:27This is the new Homer.
13:29So let's get to the bottom of this.
13:31Shall we?
13:32Okay.
13:33Sight.
13:33He's actually so sweet.
13:35That was fast.
13:36That was fast.
13:36That was interesting.
13:37This is the wrong way to do it.
13:38This is the wrong way to do it.
13:39This is the wrong way to do it.
13:39This is the wrong way to do it.
13:41This is the wrong way to do it.
13:41Listen up everyone.
13:42I started this with good intentions.
13:44But it caused you guys to fight about the most ridiculous shit.
13:47We learned about people's fetishes that no one needs to know about.
13:50And making up ridiculous stories about Tank 18.
13:53Terrible.
13:54You believe all that malarkey bullshit?
13:56I've never heard in my life.
13:58Most of this shit needs to get checked out the door.
14:00This ends now.
14:02Good.
14:02Here we go.
14:04Yeah buddy.
14:05Bye snitchy bitch box.
14:08Alright.
14:10Everybody okay now?
14:11Everyone's getting along?
14:12Oh.
14:13Oh Todd.
14:15Okay.
14:15Well at least we know who started this fire.
14:18Oh my fuck.
14:19Extinguish.
14:20Give me a hand.
14:22It's getting hot.
14:23I feel the heat.
14:28You okay?
14:29No I'm not.
14:30Ew.
14:31I didn't want to do this but I gotta lay the fucking hammer down.
14:35If someone doesn't come forward about this fire in the next five minutes and I find out later it was
14:39you, you're fired.
14:40Um, a minute bro?
14:42What?
14:42What's up?
14:47Uh, let's take five everyone.
14:49What do you got?
14:51Here we go.
14:53Yesterday, noon.
14:55Dewey has a package of chocolate delivered.
14:57Don't ask.
14:58The box is stuffed with flammable paper which he disposes of in the garbage can.
15:02Idiot number one.
15:03Dumbass.
15:033.30.
15:04Taser on his way to the refinery from a weld.
15:06Tosses an oily rag that rests on the paper.
15:09Idiot number two.
15:10Fucking knew it was gonna be him.
15:125.30pm.
15:13Mr. Todd Stuhl.
15:14That's you.
15:14On his way out from work.
15:16Discards his empty glass juice bottle.
15:19The kind my kids drink into the garbage.
15:22Okay.
15:22How is that relevant?
15:24It rests there overnight until exactly 7.42am when the sun sits just right.
15:31Turning the bottle into a magnifying glass and poof.
15:34Garbage fire.
15:35Case closed.
15:36Idiot number three.
15:38Okay, so no one is to blame and we're all to blame?
15:41Well actually, glass goes in the recycling.
15:43Everyone knows that, dumbass.
15:45So technically, 65-35 your fault.
15:48There's a lot of pissed off people in that lunchroom.
15:50You gonna say anything?
15:52And why?
15:52Like fire myself?
15:54I don't know what I'm gonna do.
15:55What was that bullshit with you and Backwoods?
15:58What now?
15:58You two were like giving the blood.
16:01I can't even fucking say it.
16:02It's gross and it's weird and I don't wanna think about it.
16:04Well, were the things that they wrote about you on those cards true?
16:07Plus, could have been Backwoods in anyone.
16:09He's a notorious slut.
16:10True.
16:11Totally.
16:11I mean, could have been Backwoods in Tanner.
16:13Yeah.
16:13He doesn't know what a box fart is.
16:14He's probably never seen a human vagina.
16:16Totally.
16:17Let's go.
16:17Backwoods in Cricket?
16:18Is that a thing?
16:19You don't know the half of it.
16:20As of section 5.2 of the labor code, anyone who violates the fire safety protocol shall
16:26be fired.
16:26So let's respect the boss here.
16:29Like Todd said, fess up or you're fired.
16:32Todd has the floor.
16:33Thank you, Stephanie.
16:35Here's the deal, everyone.
16:36We're gonna forget about this entire incident.
16:38What?
16:39Why?
16:39False alarm.
16:40Hope we all learned a lot.
16:41Let's move past it and let's get back to work.
16:43I wanted to see someone get fired.
16:45Shut it, Cricket!
16:46Great leaders don't look around for someone to blame, Tanner.
16:49Blaming is more for people like Janet.
16:52I've had enough, Taser.
16:53So unprofessional.
16:55You know what else is unprofessional?
16:57Speculating about someone's sex life with two female engineers.
17:00I mean, how does that even work?
17:02Who's in front?
17:03And who takes the notes?
17:04You should watch a part of it.
17:06Whoever's not holding his hand.
17:07Whatever turns you on should not be up for discussion.
17:09What if he got some sick moves that people need to know from?
17:11That's right.
17:12You good, bro?
17:13Hell.
17:14Me.
17:15I swear to God, if you blow that in my ears.
17:18Oh, hey!
17:19Just found a few more cards.
17:21Do you guys want to hear them?
17:22Not really, guys.
17:24Everybody shut the fuck up.
17:28Leonard may not put the blocks to his wife enough, but
17:31he fixed my laptop a few years ago and that was fucking nice.
17:35I do need to give it to her more.
17:37Okay, that's it.
17:38No, no, no.
17:38Hang on.
17:39Read this one here about bum and bummer.
17:42Oh, I didn't even see that one.
17:44Oh, look how that turned out.
17:46Bev and Berber, such good friends.
17:48I wish I had a friend to get mayonnaise and petties with
17:52and a friend to finish my sentences.
17:56Oh.
17:56I mean, we are friendship goals.
17:59Goals.
18:00Oh.
18:01I'm gonna need the sweat back.
18:02Take that.
18:03Okay, that is the last card.
18:04No, no.
18:04Hang on, hang on.
18:05There was one here.
18:05Read this one.
18:06About teaser and Janet.
18:08Oh, how did I miss that?
18:10Spill the teaser.
18:10We need to listen.
18:11Read it.
18:12Let's hear it.
18:12Taser can drive.
18:14Yes.
18:14And Janet has had sex.
18:17Yes, I have.
18:18Really?
18:19So there.
18:20Wow.
18:21That was almost lazily on point.
18:23Oh, there's another one.
18:23Todd's the fucking man.
18:24Yeah, he is.
18:25I thought he wrote that himself.
18:27Probably.
18:27Okay, let's get back to work, everybody.
18:29Is there a card for me?
18:30Oh, there is actually.
18:33Chelsea is the best site manager ever.
18:36That one's anonymous, obviously.
18:38That's all.
18:38I'm just looking out for you.
18:39We need to talk.
18:40About what?
18:41It's purely okay.
18:43Oh, this should be interesting.
18:45This better be good.
18:47All right.
18:48This is just a sample.
18:51Oh.
18:53How many angles of us do you have?
18:55Every one you can imagine.
18:57Oh, you little purr.
18:58Get rid of them.
19:00Get all of them?
19:00Even the one from Tank 18?
19:02That was hot.
19:03I was fucking right, it was hot.
19:05Listen.
19:06Delete absolutely everything.
19:07Just make me a copy first.
19:10Joke's on you.
19:11I already made copies.
19:12What?
19:13I'll have one too, please.
19:19Alright, that should do it.
19:20Good job.
19:23That is what I call follow through.
19:34Should I come back?
19:49Yes, there we go.
19:50Feed my children.
20:03Classic Class D fire.
20:06Class D?
20:11Hey, yo Dano, can you get the box?
20:13Thanks.
20:14Hey Steph, I got the, uh, field toes here.
20:16Ah!
20:17It's fine.
20:18Shit.
20:23Sorry Steph.
20:24Ow.
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