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00:00Oh
00:31Well done, well done, well done to last week tonight, we are back, we've been off for the last three
00:37months and we have missed a lot, and I mean a lot, a lot.
00:41Trump was awarded the first ever FIFA Peace Prize just weeks before kidnapping the president of Venezuela.
00:48The latest batch of Epstein files got released, measles numbers exploded across multiple states, which I know seems bad, but
00:54to be fair, not if you're the measles.
00:57Trump repeatedly threatened to take over Greenland, or as he now seems to refer to it about half the time,
01:02Iceland.
01:03The Beckham family went through some shit, and Trump said this while promoting whole milk in the Oval Office.
01:11It's actually a legal definition, whole milk, and it's whole with a W, for those of you that have a
01:18problem.
01:20What? I mean, I guess he's right there, it is actually whole milk with a W, not whole milk.
01:26which I know sounds like nonsense, but it's actually the official beverage of the absolutely real new Netflix show, Detective
01:33Hole, starring, and this is true, Detective Harry Hole.
01:38Apparently, it's based on a Norwegian series of novels, and it's supposed to be pronounced Hula, but respectfully, na, Norway,
01:46it's pronounced Hole.
01:47And that was just the beginning, Sir Ramam Dhani was sworn in as New York mayor.
01:51Eric Adams launched a meme coin that he said would, among other things, fight antisemitism and...
01:57OK.
01:58And the Department of the Interior announced a new coal mascot called Coley, which really felt like an attempt to
02:04bait us into coming back early.
02:07It wasn't even the only time that we were tempted to do that, because there was also the headline,
02:10Beloved walrus penis stolen from New Jersey cheesesteak icon owner is blubbering mad.
02:16You don't think if we'd been on air back then, we'd have tracked down that walrus penis and donated the
02:22proceeds to Doctors Without Borders or something?
02:25Are you new here?
02:27Oh, and at Miss Universe, one contestant did this.
02:30Norway!
02:33This salmon-inspired gown mirrors both the delegates' movements as a baton twirler and the essence of Norway's leading export.
02:43Yeah, that happened. Miss Norway wore this as a costume.
02:48And I guess, to be fair, it does sum up Norway nicely in an image.
02:52I mean, what else was she gonna dress up as? Detective Harry Hole?
02:56But wait, I'm still not done, because the Winter Olympics got underway,
02:59and there's already been lots of incredible action, as well as some personal drama like this.
03:05It was a career-defining moment for bi-athlete Sturla Holm-Legride,
03:10but it's what he said next that he'll be remembered for.
03:13Six months ago, I met the love of my life, the world's most beautiful, wonderful person in the world.
03:19And three months ago, I made the biggest mistake of my life and cheated on her.
03:25Wow.
03:26That is usually not the kind of declaration of love you see in public.
03:31It is why stadium jumbotrons generally say things like,
03:34will you marry me, and not, sorry I fucked your sister, are we cool?
03:38The point is, that guy won a bronze medal, then immediately begged for his ex-girlfriend of six months to
03:44forgive him,
03:45and seemed optimistic that it might work.
03:48He told his country and the world he'd rather commit, quote, social suicide on live TV,
03:54if it meant a small chance of winning her back.
03:57Today I made the choice to tell the world what I did, but maybe it can help, I don't know.
04:04I hope there's a happy ending.
04:06There's not as yet.
04:09Oh, there is definitely not, because she's since put out a statement declining to reunite,
04:14and saying, we have had contact, and he is aware of my opinions on this.
04:19A response that could only be more brutal if she delivered it after winning silver in his event.
04:24And if you're thinking, wow, the biathlon is surprisingly messy,
04:27you clearly know nothing about the biathlon.
04:31Because it's not even this guy's first time causing trouble.
04:34In 2023, he was banned from the Biathlon World Cup after accidentally, and this is true,
04:39shooting his gun in the team's hotel.
04:42Meanwhile, in the women's competition this year, Julia Simon competed for France,
04:46despite the fact that last October a French court gave her a three-month suspended jail sentence,
04:50after she admitted to stealing the credit cards of her teammate,
04:53and an unnamed French staffer, and making $2,300 in online purchases.
04:58She apparently said, I can't explain this, I don't remember doing it,
05:01I can't make sense of it.
05:03And I don't know how this story can get any juicier,
05:06unless she turns out to be the woman that that guy cheated on his girlfriend with.
05:10Because at that point, someone please call Andy Cohen,
05:13we have a new hit Bravo series on our hands.
05:16By the way, Simone competed at the Olympics this week,
05:20and guess what, she fucking won gold.
05:23The French credit card thief won gold!
05:27And you think I don't want to talk about the chaotic energy of Olympic biathletes for the rest of this
05:31show?
05:31Of course I do!
05:33It's all I want to talk about!
05:35But sadly, I can't do that, because, and I think you probably know where this is going,
05:40we have to dive straight in with our main story this week, which concerns what's been happening in Minnesota.
05:45From the surge in immigration raids, to the killings of Renee Good and Alex Preti,
05:49to the massive protests in the streets.
05:51And to be clear, for all this administration's talk of paid agitators,
05:55the protests there came from justifiably furious locals like this almost absurdly Midwestern man.
06:02You know what really pisses me off?
06:04Is the fact that they detain people, cuff them, and then still beat the shit out of them.
06:08They tell you it's immigrants, only immigrants?
06:10It's fucking anybody!
06:13I have friends that got detained, and all they were doing was fucking driving home from work.
06:17What the fuck?
06:18Sounds like you don't fit the definition of the, uh...
06:20No, and I'm not fucking paid to be here like everybody fucking says.
06:24What the fuck is that?
06:25I gotta work in the goddamn morning, just like everybody else.
06:28I'm just here trying to stand up for community, dude.
06:31We're all human beings here.
06:32I don't give a shit who you are, where you came from, what color you are.
06:35It doesn't fucking matter.
06:36This is wrong.
06:38Yeah, and you know you are acting like a bunch of dicks
06:42when you're provoking that level of response in Minnesota.
06:46A state whose whole thing is being Minnesota nice.
06:49They put it on merch!
06:51Other states couldn't pull that off, especially because Florida nice
06:54sounds like a brand of pills you buy from the gas station
06:56that makes your heart explode.
06:58And I will say, this does seem like a turning point
07:02for this administration on immigration.
07:03Polls show the majority of Americans do not approve
07:06of what's been happening, and nor should they.
07:09Because for all Trump's talk of targeting the worst of the worst,
07:12that rings pretty hollow when you see agents doing things
07:15like dragging a U.S. citizen out of his house
07:17in his underwear through the snow,
07:18and taking a five-year-old into custody.
07:21It is frankly no wonder anti-ice sentiment
07:23has spread to places that you might not even expect.
07:26From Pop-Tarts the cat, who posted video with
07:29Fuck Ice on it, to the subreddit Massive Cock,
07:33where users captioned dick pics with things like,
07:36how hard I get when I think about abolishing ice.
07:40To an AEW match in Vegas earlier this month,
07:43where this happened.
07:44Now the face in the eyes of the champion.
07:47Ice!
07:47Go Ice!
07:48Go Ice!
07:50Go Ice!
07:51Go Ice!
07:53Go Ice!
07:53Go Ice!
07:54Go Ice!
07:55Go Ice!
07:56Go Ice!
07:57Go Ice!
07:59Well done to everyone involved there.
08:01From the crowd getting their point across in the perfect way,
08:04to MJF going full Jim from the office into the camera.
08:08The point is, to the extent they ever had it,
08:12Ice and Border Patrol have clearly lost the public's trust.
08:15And it frankly hasn't helped to see grotesque clips like this one,
08:18at Mar-a-Lago on New Year's Eve of Christy Noem
08:21dancing with Stephen Miller.
08:34Look, there is so much weird stuff going on in that clip
08:38that you probably didn't even notice the Ninja Turtle
08:41dancing with Vanilla Rice on stage there.
08:43Here is a better angle of Michelangelo being photographed
08:47at the exact moment he seems to realise
08:49just how many people in that room
08:51were mentioned in the Epstein files.
08:54Now, I should say,
08:56there have been some promising developments this week.
08:59Democratic leaders seem to have finally read the public's anger
09:02and are currently holding up funds for DHS as a whole
09:05as they push for new restrictions on immigration agents.
09:08And on Thursday, this happened.
09:11Tonight, Borders are Tom Holman
09:13says the massive immigration operation
09:15that's been going on for months in Minnesota,
09:17Operation Metro Surge is coming to an end.
09:20We've had great success with this operation
09:23and we're leaving Minnesota safer.
09:25There are some issues here
09:26and we address those issues.
09:28But I'm not going to sit here and say
09:29anybody did anything wrong.
09:31Really?
09:32Well, first and least importantly,
09:34you are standing.
09:35Like, you're not going to sit there and say anything
09:38because you're a standing man.
09:40But I think it's pretty clear
09:41that a lot of people did a lot of things wrong,
09:43not least your tailor,
09:44because that suit looks like you bought it off the rack
09:47at fancy press conference clothes
09:49for uncharismatic business shreks.
09:51And look, I am glad for any drawdown
09:54that takes place in Minnesota,
09:56if it indeed happens.
09:58But even if every agent leaves town,
10:01much larger problems are going to remain
10:03both there and on the national level
10:04because we are going to continue
10:06to see this administration obsessively pursue
10:09Stephen Miller's stated goal
10:10of racking up 3,000 arrests a day.
10:13So given that,
10:14we thought for our first show of the year,
10:16it might be worth pulling back a bit
10:17and talking not just about Minneapolis
10:20or even just ICE,
10:21but about the massive agency it's a part of,
10:23the Department of Homeland Security.
10:25Because as you're about to see,
10:26a discussion about it, its funding,
10:28and the sweeping powers that we've given it
10:30is long overdue.
10:32So tonight, let's look at DHS.
10:35So let's start with its origins
10:36because while you might assume DHS
10:38is a long-standing part of American government,
10:40it's just 23 years old,
10:41it was founded as a response to 9-11.
10:44And if you are too young to remember 9-11,
10:46and I will pause long enough
10:47for the rest of us to experience
10:48the psychic gut punch of that sentence.
10:51Very basically,
10:52in the immediate aftermath
10:54of the most devastating terrorist attack
10:56in its history,
10:56America started screaming
10:57and didn't really stop for a decade.
10:59And while thankfully,
11:00the Riyadh Comedy Festival
11:01has since healed the world through comedy,
11:03and we don't need to be worried
11:04about who or what was actually responsible
11:06for 9-11.
11:07And at the time,
11:08a major concern
11:09was that prior to the attacks,
11:11there'd be a lack of communication
11:12and information sharing
11:13between federal agencies.
11:15So,
11:15the Bush administration
11:16agreed to combine a bunch of them
11:18under a single banner
11:19to improve coordination.
11:21But even back then,
11:22some felt that that was a bad idea,
11:24to the point that it was openly discussed
11:26in news coverage.
11:26What do Secret Service agents
11:29have in common
11:29with animal disease researchers?
11:31Nothing.
11:32Except that in three months,
11:33both will be working
11:34for the new Homeland Security Department.
11:37An organizational chart
11:38they could give
11:39a management expert nightmares.
11:4122 agencies,
11:42170,000 workers,
11:44the third largest department
11:45in the government.
11:46Okay.
11:47First,
11:47it is a little weird
11:48to introduce a government agency
11:49like it's a new sitcom.
11:50What happens when an uptight TSA agent
11:53and a laid-back FEMA official
11:54have to move in together?
11:56Find out in Homeland Security
11:57Thursdays on TBS.
11:59But the larger point there,
12:01that this thing had been hastily
12:02cobbled together,
12:03very much holds.
12:04Because all of a sudden,
12:05DHS contained everything
12:06from the Secret Service
12:07to the Coast Guard
12:08to FEMA and TSA.
12:10But for everything that went in,
12:12some key counterterrorism agencies
12:13were left out.
12:15Because DHS had to operate
12:16without the investigative,
12:17intelligence,
12:17and military powers
12:18of the FBI, CIA,
12:20and the Pentagon.
12:21But don't worry,
12:22because remember,
12:22they had those pig researchers,
12:24so they were pretty much set.
12:25Now, as a result,
12:27DHS tried to justify its existence
12:29in a number of different ways,
12:30including by explicitly
12:31linking immigration enforcement
12:33with countering terrorism.
12:35In fact,
12:36it was during the creation of DHS
12:37that parts of the Immigration
12:39and Naturalization Service
12:40and U.S. Customs Service
12:41were combined
12:42to form Customs and Border Protection
12:44and ICE,
12:45the two agencies that we know
12:46and are being terrorized by today.
12:48But,
12:49oversight of all of this
12:50was a total nightmare,
12:52as the members of Congress
12:53that oversaw
12:54all of those agencies
12:55didn't want to give up control.
12:56So,
12:57DHS found itself
12:58answering to around
12:59a hundred committees
13:00and subcommittees,
13:01which,
13:01as the chair of the 9-11 commission
13:03explained,
13:04caused chaos.
13:05Think of having
13:06a hundred bosses.
13:07Think of reporting
13:08up this way and that way,
13:10trying to do your job,
13:11and yet you're reporting
13:12to a hundred people.
13:14It's crazy,
13:15because it makes no sense.
13:15And you could not do your job
13:18under those circumstances.
13:19Yeah,
13:20that does make sense.
13:21Having an endless cavalcade
13:22of rapidly changing bosses
13:23would clearly be a distraction.
13:25I've got to say,
13:26you do eventually get used to it.
13:28I don't even know
13:29which of these companies
13:31is going to be
13:31my new business daddy yet.
13:32It's like a
13:33Mamma Mia situation,
13:34except less fun
13:35and way less sexy.
13:36But incidentally,
13:37if it is indeed Netflix,
13:39sorry for all the times
13:40I called your catalogue
13:41a who's who
13:42of the fuck is this.
13:43Love the ending
13:44of Stranger Things,
13:45by the way.
13:46Very brown.
13:47And good luck
13:48with Detective Hole.
13:50It sounds great.
13:51Now,
13:52complaints about
13:53the unwieldy nature of DHS
13:55persisted over the years.
13:56And yet, despite that,
13:57money kept flowing into it,
13:59even as it became known
14:00for things like
14:01its mass surveillance programs,
14:02particularly of American Muslims,
14:04and its widely mocked
14:05color-coded terrorism threat charts,
14:07which never dropped below yellow.
14:09It also became notorious
14:11for its willingness
14:11to distribute billions of dollars
14:13to state and local authorities.
14:15In fact,
14:15on the 10-year anniversary of 9-11,
14:17one California news station
14:18compiled just some
14:19of what that money
14:20had been wasted on.
14:21Marin County received
14:22more than $100,000
14:24in surveillance equipment
14:25to protect its water treatment system
14:27from terrorist attacks.
14:28Four years after the money
14:29was handed out,
14:30state authorities found
14:31$67,000 worth of gear
14:33still in boxes.
14:34It had never been used.
14:36Several counties and cities
14:37bought Segway scooters
14:38for their bomb squads.
14:39Each one cost $4,700.
14:42Okay, first,
14:43I'm not sure anything says
14:45we have too much money more
14:47than buying a fucking Segway.
14:49And second,
14:50that is just
14:50an unfathomably dorky look.
14:53It doesn't scream
14:54brave bomb defuser
14:55as much as it does
14:56beekeeper mall cop.
14:58And with expenditures like that,
15:00it's no wonder
15:01that a 2015 report
15:02from a Republican senator
15:03found that despite spending
15:05over half a trillion dollars,
15:07DHS was not successfully executing
15:08any of its five main missions
15:10and its primary
15:11counterterrorism programs
15:13were yielding little value.
15:14But because no one in power back then
15:17wanted to break apart something
15:18that had Homeland Security
15:19in its name,
15:20DHS remained the largest
15:22federal law enforcement agency
15:23with massive funding,
15:25sweeping surveillance authority,
15:27and worryingly unclear checks
15:28on its own power.
15:29It was essentially a loaded weapon
15:30sitting on a president's desk
15:32in the Oval Office,
15:33only held back by their personal sense
15:35of temperance and restraint.
15:36All of which brings us back
15:38to this fucking guy.
15:40Because in his first term,
15:42Trump and this sleep paralysis demon
15:44used DHS to push everything
15:47from his Muslim ban
15:48to family separation
15:49to his efforts to end DACA.
15:51But from the very start
15:52of Trump's second term,
15:53it was clear they had
15:54much bigger plans for DHS,
15:56starting with the fact
15:57Trump put one of his biggest allies,
15:58Kristi Noem, in charge of it.
16:00And even news stories
16:00about her announcement at the time
16:02contained some pretty clear hints
16:04that she was a bad choice.
16:06Tonight, President-Elect Donald Trump
16:08expected to name one of his
16:10staunchest campaign supporters...
16:11Are you ready?
16:12...South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem
16:15to lead the massive
16:16Department of Homeland Security.
16:17Trump once considered Noem
16:19as a potential running mate,
16:20but her star dimmed
16:21after writing in her memoir
16:23that she had shot
16:24and killed the family dog.
16:26Yeah, not great.
16:27And even Trump,
16:28who has been endowed by Satan
16:30with an ability to survive
16:31any bad press whatsoever,
16:33somehow knew that picking a VP
16:35who bragged about speedrunning
16:37old yeller is a bad move.
16:39No one wants to share a ticket
16:41with John Wilkes Woof here.
16:43In fact, Trump was so turned off
16:46by Noem's dog news,
16:47he apparently said to Don Jr. afterwards,
16:48that's not good at all.
16:50Even you wouldn't kill a dog,
16:51and you kill everything.
16:54Just another brief window
16:56into a family dynamic
16:57that a skilled therapist
16:58would describe as
16:58cha-ching.
17:01And crucially,
17:02Noem didn't bring a lot of
17:03non-dog murdering experience
17:05to the job.
17:06She'd never worked in DHS,
17:07or indeed law enforcement,
17:09but in a foreshadowing of things to come,
17:10as Governor of South Dakota,
17:12she was a relentless self-promoter.
17:15In As For Her State,
17:16she appeared in various job-themed costumes,
17:18including a dentist, a nurse,
17:20an electrician, a plumber, a welder,
17:22and a construction worker,
17:24selling each role with incredible charisma.
17:26South Dakota has the blueprint for success.
17:29Recently, we led the nation in new home building,
17:32but we're still growing so fast.
17:34We need to hire more builders to keep up.
17:37So I'm pitching in.
17:39Look, I know her performance is pretty flat there,
17:42but in her defense,
17:43who's gonna tell her that she can't act?
17:45Not anyone who likes their dog,
17:46that's for sure.
17:47Also, I'm in a bit of a tough spot here,
17:50because I refuse to comment on a woman's looks,
17:52but one of my female writers has insisted
17:55that I read something that she's written,
17:56and I also refuse to silence women's voices.
17:59So given that...
18:03A ponytail for practical working purposes
18:06is intended to keep hair off the base of the neck
18:08and or out of the eyes.
18:10If you leave the front part of your hair out,
18:11and keep the bottom part of your hair
18:13down loosely around your shoulders,
18:15it's not a working ponytail,
18:17it's a hairdo.
18:18And John, please do make sure
18:19that you put that second hair in air quotes,
18:22because there is just no way
18:23that Clydesdale tail is the real hair
18:26of that dog killer with a bad filler.
18:30Her words, not mine,
18:32her words,
18:33believe women.
18:36And the thing is,
18:37Nome immediately brought to DHS
18:39that same unrelenting focus on PR,
18:42from shooting a video in the Salvador and Saccat prison
18:44while wearing a $50,000 Rolex,
18:46to cosplaying as a law enforcement agent,
18:49from wearing a bulletproof vest on the streets of New York,
18:51to putting on Coast Guard fatigues,
18:53to dressing up like a border patrol agent on Fox News.
18:56And if it seems like she's got cameras with her
18:58wherever she goes,
18:59it's because she basically does.
19:02Here she is with a camera crew
19:03on the roof of an immigration detention facility
19:05outside of Chicago.
19:06And fun fact,
19:07these two men, Karl Frankovich and Juan Munoz,
19:09were protesting outside that day,
19:11only to be arrested.
19:12And to hear them tell it,
19:13that seemed to have less to do with their actions,
19:16and much more to do with the presence of Nome
19:18and her social media crew.
19:20An agent grabbed me, threw me down.
19:21I was then zip-tied and detained.
19:24I was pulled to the ground, um,
19:27and ordered arrested.
19:28It felt very much like we were just being used
19:31for this political theater.
19:33Kristi Noem was able to walk past us,
19:35surrounded by photographers, videographers,
19:37essentially just getting us in the background
19:38as she walked by.
19:39Then look what happened.
19:40Homeland Security sent out these social media posts
19:43showing Kyle in handcuffs.
19:45This one said,
19:46we will not allow violent activists
19:48to lay hands on our law enforcement.
19:50And they also posted this government promotional video.
19:53And there's Kyle again.
19:55He and Munoz were never charged with any crime.
19:58That's true.
19:59Despite being labeled violent activists,
20:01they were never charged with anything.
20:03So it seems they were arrested just for a photo op
20:06for Kristi Noem,
20:07which is, if I may quote her own dog's dying words,
20:10rough.
20:11But it goes way beyond optics.
20:14Noem was being put in charge of DHS
20:16at a moment when he's experiencing an unprecedented funding surge.
20:19Trump's big, beautiful bill last summer
20:21essentially doubled DHS's funding
20:23over the next four years.
20:24And it's worth looking at where all of that money is,
20:27and equally importantly, isn't going.
20:30Because DHS's resources is now being pointed
20:32at immigration more heavily than ever before,
20:34to the point that it's being called
20:35a veritable Department of Deportation.
20:39ICE alone was handed an extra $75 billion
20:42to spend over Trump's term,
20:44tripling its annual budget,
20:45and leading to this startling fact.
20:48Overnight, it became the highest funded
20:50federal law enforcement agency in US history.
20:54If ICE was a military,
20:55it would be the 17th richest in the world,
20:57worth about the same as Canada's entire armed forces.
21:01It's true.
21:02And whatever the appropriate budget for ICE is,
21:04and they're making a pretty compelling argument
21:06for it being zero right now,
21:07one thing it should definitely not be
21:09is the same as the entire Canadian military.
21:12Though, to be fair, that's not a perfect one-to-one,
21:14as I'm pretty sure the Canadian military
21:16doesn't totally eat shit
21:18on slightly slippery sidewalks.
21:20Now, a lot of that money
21:22is earmarked for immigration detention facilities,
21:25the conditions at which
21:26we have talked about before on this show,
21:28and which are unlikely to get better,
21:30given ominous headlines like
21:31ICE begins buying mega warehouse detention centers
21:34across the US.
21:35But a lot is also going
21:37to hiring thousands of new ICE agents,
21:39with DHS planning to spend $100 million
21:41over a one-year period just on advertising.
21:46It's part of what it's called
21:47a wartime recruitment strategy,
21:49and those ads are everywhere.
21:52Slickly produced social media videos...
21:54Join ICE and help us catch the worst of the worst.
21:58...televised ads targeting local police,
22:00and a celebrity endorsement.
22:02These are all part of a major multi-million dollar
22:05recruitment campaign launched by
22:07the Immigration and Customs Enforcement Agency.
22:09It's shared images using wartime imagery,
22:11like Uncle Sam,
22:12and slang, like in this post,
22:14with the caption, quote,
22:15want to deport illegals with your absolute boys.
22:18That's going to be on social media.
22:20It's going to be through streamers,
22:22so YouTube and other places where user-generated content is,
22:26but also large-scale broadcast and streaming platforms
22:29like Hulu, HBO Max, Amazon Prime, all of this sort of thing.
22:33Yeah, I'll be honest, I don't love hearing
22:35my employer's name on that list,
22:37though I guess at least I do get a reminder
22:39of what the company's name is this year.
22:42It's also slightly satisfying to know
22:44that one place those ads have been running
22:46is in front of AEW Wrestling,
22:48meaning that ICE is having to pay money
22:51to appear alongside this.
22:57It's still very good.
22:59Now, DHS claims those ads are working.
23:03They say they've hired 12,000 new ICE agents
23:05and officers since last summer,
23:06and while there are good reasons
23:07to believe those figures are inflated,
23:09we're still going to have a lot more ICE agents
23:12on our streets this year,
23:13and that should be a real concern,
23:16especially because to hire so many officers so quickly,
23:19they've had to significantly lower
23:20their standards for new recruits,
23:22doing things like waiving age requirements,
23:24condensing the training period,
23:26and ending requirements like taking five weeks
23:28of Spanish-language training,
23:30which is a bad idea for many reasons,
23:31including those agents now won't get to understand
23:34even a little bit of Bad Bunny's music,
23:36which is sad for them.
23:37They're missing out on a lot of joy,
23:39plenty of political commentary,
23:40and a metric ton of blowjob descriptions.
23:43There is a lot in... It's a rich text.
23:47And the thing is, even with those lower standards,
23:50one report found that more than a third
23:52of new ICE recruits had failed a physical fitness test
23:54that required 15 push-ups, 32 sit-ups,
23:57and running one and a half miles in 14 minutes,
23:59which, and I do not say this lightly,
24:01is a test even I could pass.
24:04Also, and more upsettingly, nearly half were later sent home
24:08because they couldn't pass the written exam,
24:10which covers things like when officers can
24:12and can't conduct searches and seizures.
24:15And it gets even worse when you learn
24:16that during that test, they were allowed
24:18to consult their textbook and notes.
24:21Yeah, half of them failed an open-book test.
24:25And as we all know, that is the easiest kind of test,
24:28even easier than urine.
24:30That one is actually harder than you think.
24:33Midstream is a delicate dance.
24:36And as the former acting director of ICE points out,
24:39this is all a very bad sign.
24:41Yeah, I mean, some of these moves, frankly,
24:43have resulted in some embarrassing candidates.
24:45ICE agents have tremendous authority
24:46when they're out there on the streets.
24:48We have to know that these people,
24:50A, have that integrity, are gonna...
24:51When no one's looking, are they gonna do things
24:53the right way? And secondly, you know,
24:55they're getting into this for the right reason.
24:57Obviously, there's a tremendous concern as well
24:59that the administration is going after individuals
25:01who harbor some animus towards immigrants.
25:03Right, because it doesn't seem unfair to assume
25:06that some might have applied for that job
25:07less out of a sense of public duty
25:09and more because they, oh, I don't know,
25:11want to deport illegals with their absolute boys.
25:14And that concern has been compounded
25:16by a disturbing pattern of what sure seems
25:19like white nationalist dog whistles
25:21in these recruiting ads.
25:22Like this post reading,
25:23Which Way American Man,
25:25invoking a meme associated with this anti-Semitic book
25:28popular among neo-Nazis,
25:29and this one using the phrase,
25:31We'll have our home again,
25:32the title of a song released by a white nationalist band,
25:35popular with far-right groups like the Proud Boys.
25:37And if that connection seems at all like a stretch to you,
25:41you should know the Proud Boys themselves
25:43don't seem to think so.
25:44On the messaging app Telegram,
25:46one chapter reposted that ad
25:48next to a picture of a literal dog whistle,
25:51adding the line,
25:52Message received.
25:53Oh, cool.
25:55Although, I do have to say,
25:56the whole point of a dog whistle
25:58is plausible deniability.
26:00So saying,
26:01we hear and understand your dog whistle
26:02does sort of wreck the whole agreement.
26:05But I guess that is the risk that you run
26:07when your secret master plan
26:08has to rely on some of the dumbest people alive.
26:11Now, I have to tell you,
26:13we reached out to DHS for comment,
26:15and they angrily denied any dog whistles,
26:17adding,
26:17We will not apologize for using patriotic messaging
26:20and symbolism in our advertisements.
26:22They also told us, and I quote,
26:23one could say we are homeland maxing
26:26by removing illegal aliens
26:29and defending our borders.
26:30A sentence I genuinely feel dumber
26:32for saying out loud.
26:34So, that is where money and resources
26:37at DHS have been surging too.
26:39But the administration is also
26:40pulling resources away
26:41from other key parts of the agency.
26:44And let's start with just the reallocation
26:46of resources under ICE.
26:48Because for the record,
26:49before Trump came along,
26:50deportation was not ICE's sole focus.
26:52It actually consisted of two branches.
26:54ERO, or Enforcement and Removal Operations,
26:58which handles detentions and deportations.
27:00And Homeland Security Investigations,
27:02or HSI, which is tasked with complex investigations
27:05to do things like drug smuggling and human trafficking.
27:07With many of their targets, not even immigrants.
27:10Diddy's case, for instance, was run by HSI agents.
27:13And many HSI officials have long wanted
27:16to be formally separated from ICE,
27:19and for obvious reasons.
27:20If you need cooperation
27:21in a human trafficking investigation,
27:23it's harder to get it from someone
27:24who thinks that you might deport them.
27:26But in Trump's second term,
27:28he has gone hard in the other direction,
27:30signing an executive order on day one,
27:32announcing enforcing immigration law
27:34would be the primary mission of HSI.
27:37And that has had real consequences,
27:40as highly trained agents who specialized
27:42in things like money laundering
27:44and counter-terrorism cases have now been sent
27:47to do things like pick up people in parking lots.
27:49Here is a guy in an HSI jacket,
27:51arresting people at a Home Depot in LA last year.
27:54And that is not good,
27:56because there's probably other important stuff
27:58he was supposed to be doing that day.
28:01In the first part of last year,
28:02HSI agents worked an average of 33% fewer hours
28:06on child exploitation cases,
28:07which is just maddening.
28:09There is a reason episodes of SVU
28:11don't involve them abandoning a case halfway through,
28:14because they then have to go spend
28:16the rest of the episode harassing people
28:17outside of a fucking Lowe's.
28:19People would riot.
28:21But it's not just reallocations within ICE.
28:25Not only have CBP agents been diverted from the border,
28:28they've pulled in law enforcement
28:29from outside of DHS.
28:31According to one estimate,
28:32last year, one in five US Marshals,
28:34one in five FBI agents,
28:36half of DEA agents,
28:38and over two thirds of ATF agents
28:40had been reassigned to help handle deportations.
28:42And look, I'm not saying everything those agencies
28:45were doing was a good use of their time.
28:47For more on that, see any number of episodes of this show.
28:51But it is notable that for all Trump's justification
28:54of immigration crackdowns to fight drugs and cartels,
28:57as this former DHS intelligence official points out,
29:00that's exactly what is being deprioritized.
29:03If FBI agents are not working on drug gang task forces,
29:08then there are fewer investigations
29:10into violent street gangs and drug trafficking cartels.
29:13And with such a large contingent pulled from their duties,
29:16he says drug cartels and bad actors are watching.
29:20I am 100% certain that they are tracking that federal agents
29:25are being moved out of drug task forces and seeking to determine ways
29:30to exploit the reduced resources on those task forces.
29:34Yeah, of course cartels are gonna take advantage.
29:38Drug kingpins, by and large, aren't stupid.
29:41Mostly because drug kingpins, who are stupid,
29:44tend to spend a very short time as kingpins.
29:46And much longer as a suspicious mound of earth
29:49somewhere in the Mexican desert.
29:50It's kind of a self-editing field.
29:53And I'm still not done listing misallocations of resources
29:57because at the same time that Noam has surged funding
30:00to some areas of DHS, she's actively staffed others.
30:03For instance, CISA, which handles cyber security,
30:06lost roughly 1,000 staffers, more than a third of the agency,
30:09meaning it is now less equipped to do things like
30:11protect our electrical grids or secure our elections.
30:14But maybe the biggest example of a department
30:16being hamstrung is FEMA.
30:18It is the agency that handles the federal response to disasters.
30:22Many believe it never really belonged in DHS in the first place
30:25and that its ending up there contributed
30:27to its failures during Hurricane Katrina.
30:29And if you're too young to remember Hurricane Katrina,
30:32I'm afraid you're just gonna have to fuck off.
30:36Suffice to say that FEMA did not have a good Katrina.
30:40Perhaps best summed up by this entirely fair question
30:43in front of a flood-damaged department complex.
30:46Now, soon after Trump took office,
30:47FEMA lost about a third of its total full-time staff.
30:51And it's also been heavily impacted by a new rule across DHS
30:55which states that every contracting grant over $100,000
30:58must now cross Noam's desk for approval,
31:01or to put that in terms the Christian Noam can understand,
31:03two wristwatches.
31:05And that requirement is clearly absurd generally,
31:08but especially at FEMA,
31:10an agency that handles emergency relief
31:12that needs to get out quickly.
31:14At one point, about $17 billion in federal disaster funds
31:17for states was held up for an extra layer of review by Noam,
31:21causing unusual delays in payments.
31:23And I'd say that I can't even imagine
31:26how chaotic that process must look.
31:28But luckily, I actually can because
31:29another of Noam's South Dakota ads
31:31literally showed her as an overworked accountant
31:34with ticker tape all over the place
31:36not exactly doing a great job.
31:38We have close to 20,000 open jobs,
31:43including accountants.
31:44So I'm filling in.
31:46South Dakota.
31:47Freedom works here.
31:49Governor Noam, you didn't carry the two.
31:52Josh, kiss my abacus.
31:54Okay, it seems once more I find myself in a tough spot
31:58because again, I have been told to read something to you
32:02and I don't feel like I can say no.
32:05The precise way for you to describe
32:07what Kristi Noam has actively chosen to look like there is
32:10mother of the bride who asked for the exact same hair
32:13as the bride.
32:16Also, John, while I have your attention,
32:19maybe it's time for you to be putting a little grey
32:21in the eyebrow makeup.
32:22You're not fooling anyone.
32:24Let's be adults about this.
32:26Those are her words.
32:28She's brutally honest.
32:30Brutally honest.
32:31She's a bad person.
32:32The future is female.
32:33The thing is,
32:35Noam delaying funding approvals at FEMA
32:37has already had serious consequences.
32:39When there were deadly floods in Texas last year,
32:41two days after,
32:42nearly two thirds of the calls to FEMA's
32:44disaster assistance line went unanswered.
32:46Now, I have to tell you,
32:47Noam has disputed that report saying it's just false
32:49and that report needs to be validified.
32:52Though, I believe that sentence itself
32:54could benefit from being spell checkerated.
32:57And not for nothing,
32:59Noam's $100,000 sign off rule
33:01meant that according to one former FEMA official,
33:03the FEMA building itself
33:04almost had its utility shut off last year
33:07because the bill wasn't paid.
33:09And the truth is,
33:10so far,
33:11we've been incredibly lucky
33:12that there hasn't been an even worse disaster,
33:15where FEMA's problems were more fully exposed.
33:17As last year, for the first time in a decade,
33:19not a single hurricane struck the US.
33:22But our luck can only hold out for so long.
33:24Last August, over 180 FEMA employees
33:27sent a letter to Congress warning
33:29the Trump officials' actions
33:30were risking a Katrina-level disaster,
33:33which is a pretty haunting thing to hear.
33:35And it's more than a little dispiriting to realize
33:37that the Frankenstein of an agency
33:39that we cobbled together after 9-11
33:41is now siphoning resources
33:43away from things that actually protect us,
33:45even as it floods resources
33:47to a bunch of guys in ski masks
33:49with questionable Reddit histories
33:51who blast rap rock out of the window
33:52of their government-issued kidnap-mobiles,
33:54all for the benefit of Kristi Noam's fucking TikTok.
33:57So, what can we do?
33:59Well, first and most immediately,
34:01with DHS impartial shutdown over its funding,
34:04Democrats have to use every ounce of leverage they've got
34:06to get major concessions.
34:08Bernie Sanders has proposed an amendment
34:10that would repeal the $75 billion
34:12in additional funding that ICE received,
34:14and I don't know if they'll be able to get
34:17all the way to that.
34:18They should, at the very least,
34:19get as many hard enforceable limits
34:21on immigration agents' activities as possible.
34:23Now, second, we need to get rid of ICE, period.
34:26Public trust in it right now
34:28is hovering somewhere between
34:30Purdue Pharma and the Titan Submersible.
34:33It is just not salvageable.
34:35And if you're thinking,
34:35well, who will enforce immigration law
34:37if ICE is gone?
34:39I don't know.
34:39Maybe the agencies that did it
34:41for decades before 2003.
34:43As for DHS as a whole,
34:45I would argue it's no longer tenable
34:48in its current form.
34:49And while maybe there is an argument
34:51for having a larger agency coordinating
34:54different federal departments,
34:55it should probably be redesigned from the ground up,
34:57and deliberately this time,
34:59not by suddenly gluing together org charts
35:02in a blind panic.
35:02But if I can make one last, broader point,
35:06cosmetic changes just aren't gonna be enough.
35:09Because even if you get rid of Kristi Noem,
35:11which you should,
35:12Stephen Miller will still be there.
35:13And even if you get rid of him,
35:15this administration will remain.
35:17But even if they are gone,
35:18and we get rid of ICE and DHS,
35:21we're still gonna be left with the broken immigration laws
35:24that gave them permission to do what they have done.
35:27Millions of people will continue to be vulnerable,
35:29because, as we've discussed repeatedly before on this show,
35:32our current immigration system
35:33makes it somewhere from difficult to impossible
35:36for many to come in the right way.
35:39That boy in the blue hat and his dad
35:40were scooped up despite being in the process
35:42of seeking asylum.
35:43And we've shown you multiple videos of people being arrested
35:46as they showed up for their immigration appointments.
35:49And that is actually a bit of a tell.
35:51Because that is clearly not this administration
35:53targeting the worst of the worst.
35:56It's them desperately trying to juice up their numbers.
35:58And it is the law that allows them to do that.
36:01And that is actually something that Tom Homan
36:03made a point of reiterating to people
36:05when he was first sent to Minnesota two weeks ago.
36:08But if people out there don't like what ICE is doing,
36:11if you want certain laws reformed,
36:13then take it up with Congress.
36:15Again, ICE is making this up.
36:17They're enforcing laws enacted by Congress
36:19and signed by President.
36:20The same laws have been on the books
36:23for the last six presidents I worked for.
36:25If you don't like what ICE is doing,
36:27instead of protesting this building,
36:29go protest Congress.
36:31Tell me you want changes.
36:32Well, hold on there, Tom.
36:33Why just one or the other?
36:34People could absolutely do both.
36:36Por qué no los dos, if I may quote a phrase.
36:38It seems most of you ICE recruits
36:40will have absolutely no chance of understanding.
36:43But he is right there.
36:45Trump's policy of mass deportations
36:46is built on existing laws.
36:48And if America doesn't like what that policy looks like,
36:52now that they've seen what it really means,
36:55then it needs to fucking do something about it.
36:57To the extent that we are all horrified
36:59by day laborers and grandfathers
37:01and little kids in bunny hats
37:02being terrorized by men in masks,
37:04then we need to elect people who will commit
37:06to writing laws that reflect that.
37:08And I've got to say, it does say something.
37:10That to the extent that anyone over the last few months
37:12has been protecting our homeland and keeping it secure,
37:16it has not been Kristi Noem
37:17in her wide array of fun outfits
37:19or whichever 20-year-old dipshit's
37:21been pumping out Nazi-flavored content on Twitter.
37:24It has been ordinary people
37:25on the streets of Minneapolis,
37:27blowing whistles, delivering food
37:29to friends who are afraid to leave their houses
37:31and marching in the cold,
37:33even though they've got goddamn work in the morning.
37:35Because, if I may quote,
37:37that gloriously frozen Midwestern man,
37:39they believe we are all human beings here
37:42and that this is fucking wrong.
37:44And now, this.
37:47And now, local news reacts
37:50to a Florida delicacy.
37:52Welcome back. Recent freezing weather
37:54in South Florida left thousands of iguanas cold stunned
37:57and some people have gotten creative
37:59about what to do with all the invasive lizards.
38:01Fair warning.
38:03Take a break from breakfast for just a minute.
38:05Iguana meet pizza.
38:07Were the iguanas already dead or were they dying?
38:10They were already dead, I believe.
38:11Well, they're stunned.
38:12They're stunned.
38:12Yeah, they're stunned.
38:13They're still alive.
38:15Well, you can't eat like a dead animal.
38:17No.
38:18Because that's like unsanitary.
38:19That's true.
38:20So they're killing them?
38:21Mm-hmm.
38:22And they're eating them?
38:23Mm-hmm.
38:25That's illegal?
38:26I, yes.
38:28Sanitized iguana meat.
38:30Okay, the fact that you have to identify
38:33that it has been sanitized.
38:34This ain't dirty iguana meat.
38:36This is sanitized iguana meat.
38:38Yes.
38:38You missed the iguana pizza yesterday.
38:40Excuse me?
38:42One more time?
38:43Yes, the iguana pizza.
38:44Iguana pizza.
38:45Mm-hmm.
38:46Why?
38:49That's our show.
38:50Thanks so much for watching.
38:52Good night.
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