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Have I Got News for You S71E02
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00:00.
00:03.
00:04.
00:04.
00:35Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:38I'm Monty Don and in the news this week,
00:40as a fleet of new bicycles are rolled out,
00:44post office bosses say it's the workers
00:46and not the technology that is responsible for slow delivery rates.
00:57In preparation for his state visit to the US to heal the special relationship,
01:02King Charles practices unveiling Donald Trump's plaque of peace.
01:13And ahead of David Attenborough's 100th birthday,
01:17the BBC admits the ban still has some work to do
01:20with their rendition of For He's A Jolly Good Fellow.
01:25BUZZER
01:31On Ian's team tonight is a journalist who has recently spoken out
01:35against the lazy use of inaccurate AI-generated research.
01:40So please welcome the reigning world triple jump champion
01:43and fourth woman to walk on the moon,
01:46Helen Lewis.
01:48APPLAUSE
01:53On Paul's team tonight is a comedian who, in a very recent interview,
01:57said the worst thing in the news this year is war and social division.
02:01Oh, well, there goes round one.
02:04Please welcome Chris McCausman.
02:07APPLAUSE
02:11We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
02:15Paul and Chris, here's yours.
02:17OK, so what we're looking at here, Chris,
02:19is four astronauts in the space capsule.
02:22They're waving at a camera.
02:23Oh, erm...
02:25There's a very handsome man doing his toenails, I think,
02:29and that's the stuff they've got out of his toenails there.
02:33Erm...
02:34Oh, hang on.
02:35There's more.
02:36Yeah, the clangers have suddenly made a comeback though at the end.
02:38LAUGHTER
02:38Yeah, this is the impending return to Earth of the Artemis II...
02:43Yes.
02:43..astronauts after a successful orbit of the moon.
02:45What did the astronauts see that no-one else had ever seen?
02:49Well, they say no human eye had ever looked upon the dark side
02:52of the moon in reality, but of course we'd seen photographs of it.
02:55Yeah, well, here it is.
02:55Yeah.
02:56This is what they saw.
02:57Dark side of the moon.
02:58You're missing something here, Chris, I'll tell you that much.
03:00LAUGHTER
03:03I think the proper answer is just a man cutting his toenails in space.
03:06Yeah.
03:08What did the astronauts notice that they've not seen before?
03:12Er, we had the clangers there, is it?
03:14No.
03:15It wasn't the clangers, they didn't see the clangers.
03:17No, no.
03:17Did they find a bright spot on it?
03:18Ah.
03:19Was it orange?
03:20Yes.
03:20Oh, there you are.
03:21You see, Chris, of all the people who couldn't see it...
03:24LAUGHTER
03:25So orange they thought it was Donald Trump.
03:28Yeah.
03:29Donald Trump did actually call them to congratulate them?
03:31He did, yes.
03:31What did he say?
03:32What did he say?
03:33Oh, well done.
03:34Then he said, I'm going to invite you all to the White House
03:36so I can get your autographs, which is a great honour for you.
03:40LAUGHTER
03:42Back to really important matters.
03:44There was one piece of equipment on the spacecraft.
03:47Just wait.
03:49LAUGHTER
03:51I should have gone before I came off.
03:54If it happens to be the answer, that's a coincidence.
03:56The...
03:57It's like being with a toddler.
03:58Toilet!
04:00Can you put your hand up if you need to go, Paul?
04:03LAUGHTER
04:03Do you know how much this toilet costs?
04:05Yeah, £45 million.
04:0723.
04:07$23 million.
04:08Yeah.
04:09And it wasn't working.
04:10No.
04:11Let's have a look at it.
04:13No consideration for the female astronaut.
04:15The seat's been left up.
04:17LAUGHTER
04:18They had to orientate the whole ship to face the sun, didn't they?
04:23That's it.
04:23To unfreeze the toilet.
04:24I mean, we've all done a few visits in the past, haven't we?
04:26We've had to wait for the sun to hit the bathroom to sort it out.
04:30LAUGHTER
04:37Tell me why this space trip was a triumph for Nutella chocolate spread.
04:42I saw the bit of footage of the jar of it sort of floating majestically
04:46through the spaceship, so I presume that's what it was.
04:49Yeah, a pot of it fell out of a bag and floated across the camera
04:52in what was described as the greatest free advert in history.
04:57Eat Nutella and you'll clog a $23 million toilet.
05:00LAUGHTER
05:01There it goes.
05:02There it goes.
05:04There it goes.
05:04And we've only got their word that it is actually Nutella.
05:07Well, you see...
05:09Oh, that's nice talk, isn't it?
05:10It is.
05:11That's nice talk from a public school boy.
05:13That's very nice.
05:14Well, by going beyond the moon, the astronauts broke the record
05:17for the farthest distance travelled.
05:20Although, sadly, the telegraph's notification didn't have room
05:23for the full message, which read,
05:26Artemis 2 astronauts record for part.
05:34When do they do to splash down?
05:35Tonight.
05:36Yeah.
05:36Or yesterday.
05:40Up here.
05:41I've got it up here, mate.
05:42Do you need it up here?
05:44Or last year, if you're watching a repeat.
05:47Well, it's actually earlier as a Saturday morning.
05:50Oh, no.
05:50Meant to be in the ocean, isn't it?
05:52Yeah.
05:52Imagine the irony if they landed in Iran.
05:54Yeah.
05:58Somebody had a very funny idea.
06:00Said, like, we've got a couple of days, the whole world population
06:02should buy gorilla masks and put them on.
06:07So when the astronauts land, they'll think they're in Planet of the Apes.
06:11I think it's a great idea, we've still got 48 hours to do this.
06:14Yes.
06:14President Trump, just be yourself.
06:16Yeah.
06:17Do you know what speed they'll be doing as they re-enter the atmosphere?
06:2018 miles an hour.
06:2310,000 miles an hour.
06:25Unless it's in a low traffic zone.
06:27Well, they will actually be doing 25,000 miles an hour.
06:32What?
06:32Which is seven miles a second.
06:34Incredible.
06:36So if you're a lollipop lady, just keep out the area.
06:40And what speed will it have slowed to when it hits the water?
06:44Zero.
06:44Yeah.
06:46Unless it's going to continue down to the bottom of the ocean.
06:48Well, it's actually 20 miles an hour.
06:50No, really.
06:50Because it says it here.
06:51No, it says it there.
06:52It says it there.
06:53Which, of course, is great.
06:54But you can't just read that.
06:55If it said, plant me in a shady space and it doesn't work for you.
06:58You wouldn't just do that, would you?
07:00You wouldn't just do that?
07:01Of course you wouldn't.
07:04You're better than that.
07:06There was a YouGov survey, they did,
07:09where 49% of Brits said they wouldn't want to go.
07:14And the main reason given was they weren't interested.
07:18No, actually, it was more than that.
07:20They said there wasn't enough to do.
07:24Crazy golf up there.
07:29A lot of craters.
07:30Yeah.
07:34Moving on.
07:35What moon-related property was returned to its owner this week
07:3850 years after it was stolen?
07:40Now, that was a clangour.
07:42Yes.
07:43One of those little puppets had been stolen by a man.
07:46And he confessed on his deathbed, apparently.
07:48And he gave it to his relative, who this week handed it back.
07:51Yeah, yeah.
07:51Because she felt she owed it to the moon.
07:54Well, and...
07:55You said it was on his deathbed?
07:57On his deathbed, he confessed to this terrible crime.
07:59Oh, are you all right, Uncle Fred?
08:00Oh, I stole a clangour.
08:01Oh!
08:02Yeah.
08:03When Mother Clangour was returned, apparently...
08:06Oh, is it Mother Clangour?
08:07Yeah, what she said was...
08:11Exactly.
08:12Those were her words.
08:15Um...
08:18This is the impending return of NASA's moon mission.
08:23NASA reported that the astronauts had a surprisingly varied diet,
08:26including beef brisket, broccoli au gratin, mac and cheese,
08:31and vegetable quiche.
08:33Four of the tastiest tablets they've ever had.
08:36LAUGHTER
08:36A YouGov survey this week said that 49% of Britons
08:41would refuse an opportunity to go to the moon,
08:43and will continue to do so until the construction
08:46of the International Space Wetherspoons.
08:48LAUGHTER
08:50Now, I thought it might be nice just to have a few quiet moments
08:54with Ned.
09:02We look at a bored-looking dog in a garden.
09:05LAUGHTER
09:07I'm letting that rise above me.
09:09LAUGHTER
09:11I thought Ned was a guitar player, judging by the sounds.
09:15LAUGHTER
09:17He's...
09:19So your dog plays the guitar, does he?
09:21Ian and Helen, here's yours.
09:23What is this about?
09:25That's President Trump with a bunny, not a Playboy bunny.
09:28Keir Starmer explaining why we're not joining the war in Iran.
09:31Ooh!
09:32And that's Melania Trump trying to fit her Mar-a-Lago face around
09:34a whistle with some difficulty.
09:36It's quite difficult blowing a whistle when you've had a lot of work
09:38done, isn't it?
09:40I...
09:40So I hear.
09:41LAUGHTER
09:42LAUGHTER
09:42I find it a real problem.
09:45LAUGHTER
09:49You've had work done, Ian.
09:51LAUGHTER
09:52Now, I don't want to be rude or anything, but I'd ask for your money back
09:55if I...
09:56LAUGHTER
09:56I don't want to be rude.
09:58I don't want to be rude.
10:00APPLAUSE
10:02This is the news that none of Trump's war goals have been achieved,
10:07so he's declared it a total victory.
10:09I mean, Iran basically won.
10:11That's the bit that kind of no-one really wants to say out loud.
10:14But, basically, they went in saying we want regime change
10:16and they've ended up with the last guy's son.
10:18And then they said we want to stop them acquiring nuclear weapons.
10:21Well, there's no agreement so far on any of that.
10:23And what they've essentially ended up doing was, Iran says,
10:26well, now we're going to close the Strait of Ulmruz,
10:28except we're going to take tolls on it.
10:29So they've given Iran a way to make a lot of money.
10:33But if you've got a set of war aims and you achieve none of them,
10:36that's not bad.
10:38LAUGHTER
10:39And he's still in talks with the bunny you saw.
10:43LAUGHTER
10:43Who's one of Iran's chief negotiators.
10:46LAUGHTER
10:46There have been people making a lot of money.
10:48There's been Polymarket, which is one of these prediction betting
10:51markets, and someone seems to have very suspiciously made a lot
10:54of big bets on things that were about to happen.
10:55So someone has made a lot of money out of this war.
10:58I don't understand you.
10:59What are you suggesting?
11:00I'm suggesting there's insider trading in the White House
11:01Monty as well.
11:02Oh, right, that's what it is.
11:04LAUGHTER
11:06APPLAUSE
11:08The two-week ceasefire went up to the wire,
11:10with the President taking to Truth Social on Tuesday night to say,
11:15a whole civilisation will die tonight.
11:17I don't want that to happen, but it probably will.
11:21Has there ever been a bigger U-turn, though,
11:23than we're going to liberate a people from an oppressive regime
11:26to we're going to obliterate the entire civilisation?
11:30LAUGHTER
11:31And that wasn't even the craziest Trump-chew social post.
11:34The one on Easter Sunday was even wackier, right?
11:36Yeah, we will come to that.
11:37Oh, OK, right.
11:37We will come to that.
11:38Yeah.
11:39Well, we might come to it now, maybe.
11:41LAUGHTER
11:41We're very independent on this.
11:42Oh, OK.
11:43Go on, then.
11:44Let loose.
11:45We don't have to wait for things to grow.
11:49Oh, that's nice talk, isn't it?
11:52That's nice talk.
11:53I've heard on Garden as well, they just buy a lot of it in
11:55and swap it over in between shots anyway.
11:58That's the reason you couldn't see.
12:00But I can smell the lies.
12:01Yeah.
12:03On Easter Day, I mean, he basically both compared himself
12:07to Jesus Christ and then let other people suggest
12:11he was the Messiah.
12:13How did he compare himself to Jesus?
12:15Similar height.
12:17LAUGHTER
12:18He said, oh, they called Jesus a king,
12:20they called me a king.
12:21Mm.
12:22Well, that's a nice Easter Sunday message.
12:24Perhaps we can keep the parallel going and crucify him.
12:28LAUGHTER
12:30APPLAUSE
12:35Donald Trump threatened the destruction of Iran's civil infrastructure,
12:39regarded by many as a war crime, and said,
12:41Tuesday will be power plant day and bridge day,
12:46all wrapped up in one.
12:47There will be nothing like it.
12:49Open the fucking straight, you crazy bastards,
12:53or you will be living in hell.
12:55Kind regards.
12:56LAUGHTER
12:58Said a man next to a giant rabbit.
13:01LAUGHTER
13:03Everyone says this is the theory that if he looks completely mad,
13:06his enemies will think, well, he's capable of doing anything.
13:10Whereas actually, it makes him look as though he's rather weak,
13:14and he's got to shout and scream at them.
13:16I find it best to ignore what he says.
13:18Yeah.
13:19Unfortunately, this programme doesn't follow the same policy.
13:22LAUGHTER
13:22It's you and the Ayatollah.
13:23You've heard the rumours.
13:24Yeah.
13:25LAUGHTER
13:26I didn't know what sort of club it was when we went in there.
13:30LAUGHTER
13:31Let's see how the BBC reported Trump's full and frank posts.
13:36Mm.
13:37There will be nothing like it.
13:39Open the f***ing straight, you crazy b***h,
13:41or you will be living in hell.
13:44While budget cuts at ITV meant the loss of the bleep machine.
13:49There will be nothing like it.
13:51Open the expletive straight, you crazy expletives,
13:55or you'll be living in hell.
13:56Gosh, the expletive straight's closed as well.
13:59LAUGHTER
14:00There was light relief at the White House.
14:03Yes, yeah.
14:04As children gathered in the rubble of the East Wing
14:07to see the Easter Bunny, let's see what Trump told those excited children.
14:12Oh, yes.
14:12But when a thing like that happens, where a pilot's shot down,
14:16in most instances, you're really not able to go in,
14:19because you'll go in with 200 people and lots of jet fighters
14:24and helicopters and...
14:26You really don't have a chance to get shot down.
14:29At least 200 in order to pick up one.
14:31It's a horrible thing.
14:34LAUGHTER
14:35At least the bunny is thinking to itself,
14:36what am I doing with my lungs?
14:38LAUGHTER
14:39Is he talking to kids in that video?
14:42Yeah, well, we can't see the kids,
14:43but the bunny's standing next to him looking very sad and upset.
14:46The question we have all been waiting for...
14:49Yes. Yes.
14:50What has happened to Randy George?
14:53Who?
14:54He's a general.
14:56You may have thought he was a turtle.
14:58No, what...
15:00LAUGHTER
15:01Why would I have thought he was a turtle?
15:02Lonesome George.
15:04Lonesome George is a very famous tortoise.
15:06Yes.
15:07LAUGHTER
15:07Now we're getting an insight.
15:09Thank God there's someone here with the detail.
15:12LAUGHTER
15:12We're now getting an insight into the editorial meetings at Private Life.
15:15LAUGHTER
15:16In America, they just will call people Randy.
15:19There's a guy called Randy Bumgardner.
15:20Just the best name in American politics.
15:23LAUGHTER
15:24That's Monty's nickname.
15:27LAUGHTER
15:30Is that an alias of yours on the internet?
15:33He was actually the US Army, I say was, Chief of Staff
15:37and is amongst at least 12 senior military officials
15:40that had been removed from their post after, according to The Telegraph,
15:43Secretary of War Pete Hegseth undertook a round of firings.
15:49Pete Hegseth, Chief of Staff, reportedly said that Trump wouldn't
15:52want to stand next to a black woman officer.
15:54LAUGHTER
15:55He'd rather stand next to a giant bunny than a black female officer.
15:59Yes.
16:00He doesn't know who's inside the bunny costume, does he?
16:03LAUGHTER
16:04Back to the global show.
16:06LAUGHTER
16:12As the world held its breath, Donald Trump's spokesperson, Caroline Leavitt,
16:17told the media,
16:18only the president knows where things stand and what he will do.
16:23I think it's even fewer people than that.
16:27LAUGHTER
16:30After the miraculous rescue of an airman for Iranian territory over Easter,
16:35Pete Hegseth said,
16:36shut down on Friday,
16:38hidden in a cave on Saturday,
16:40rescued on Sunday,
16:42so presumably making love by Monday.
16:45LAUGHTER
16:50OK.
16:52Before we move on, here are your jobs for the weekend.
16:55Do continue to deadhead those spring bulbs,
16:57and for those of you who enjoy tropical plants,
17:00it's a good opportunity to unfleece your banana.
17:03LAUGHTER
17:07Don't take this in the wrong way, but is it too late to get somebody else?
17:10LAUGHTER
17:11On to round two.
17:13This is Monty's news mulch,
17:15and I have here a necessary kit.
17:20I will water a seed in this pot,
17:23which will then germinate a picture and an audio clue.
17:27So, fingers on buzz.
17:27Is that what I've told you?
17:29LAUGHTER
17:29It will happen.
17:30It will happen, all right.
17:30Here we go.
17:31Real water, real seed.
17:35MUSIC
17:41OK, well, that was the laughing gnome, David Bowie,
17:44and this is...
17:45I think this is about the Chelsea Flower show, isn't it,
17:47where they had...
17:48I didn't realise there was a ban on gnomes,
17:50but they lifted the ban this year.
17:51What do you think about gnomes?
17:52Do you think they're nice or do you think they're sort of strange,
17:55strange evil creatures which steal your soul at night?
17:57I think they're clearly strange evil creatures
18:00that steal your soul at night, yes, of course they are.
18:02Do you have any in your garden?
18:03No, because they steal my soul.
18:05LAUGHTER
18:06But would you sell your soul to win at the Chelsea Flower Show?
18:09Yeah.
18:10Moving on...
18:11LAUGHTER
18:13It's only the second time in 113 years that they're allowed.
18:18So, for the rest of the time, they're sent back from the main gate,
18:20are they? Yeah, they're trying to get in.
18:22They don't have the right ticket.
18:23They might hire a minibus, they might have come from Luton.
18:25Exactly.
18:26That's it, you can't get him.
18:28Five of them on each other's shoulders trying to look like a normal person.
18:32Do you know what else is set to cause a buzz at this year's Chelsea Flower Show?
18:36Bees. Must be bees. No.
18:38David Beckham.
18:38What is he doing at Chelsea this year, do you know?
18:41Well, I mean, I believe he's designing the gardens or something,
18:44but he's not, is he?
18:45Do you know who he's doing it with?
18:46Prince Charles. Yeah.
18:47Yeah. He's got seven flower beds to represent the number on his shirt.
18:51Mm-hm.
18:52And zero sunflowers to represent the number of times he spoke to his own son
18:56in the last year.
18:58LAUGHTER
19:00APPLAUSE
19:03Can I just ask, is that Beckham or King Charles?
19:07Ooh!
19:09LAUGHTER
19:14Well, you're absolutely right, David Beckham is designing a garden with King Charles,
19:18or, as the Daily Star referred to them both, Chas and Dave.
19:23LAUGHTER
19:23And according to The Telegraph, providing expertise for the garden is, yes,
19:32you've guessed it, it's TB's top gardener,
19:35national treasure, all-round good egg...
19:37Alan Titchmarsh.
19:38Yes.
19:39LAUGHTER
19:40Yes.
19:41Ooh!
19:43The bastard.
19:45LAUGHTER
19:48Are you tempted at all to sneak in and take a waz on their dahlias?
19:52LAUGHTER
19:55No, I don't waz on anyone's dahlias.
19:58LAUGHTER
19:58We are all an incredibly happy family in the gardening world,
20:02and we love each other, really.
20:03That doesn't sound very likely.
20:05LAUGHTER
20:06Moving on.
20:07LAUGHTER
20:09This is the return of The Chelsea Flower Show.
20:12This year's show also includes an erotic-themed garden,
20:15and I'm happy to tell you that my favourite position is the wheelbarrow.
20:20LAUGHTER
20:20I go outside on my own and I push a wheelbarrow up and down the garden.
20:26LAUGHTER
20:27Are you fully cognisant of what you're saying here?
20:30LAUGHTER
20:32You had a TV career before you came on that show.
20:37Just read the autocue, Monty, you'll be fine.
20:39LAUGHTER
20:41OK.
20:42Brace yourselves.
20:43Go on.
20:43Fingers on buzzer.
20:44I'm watering the scene.
20:46Ooh, hanky-panky.
20:48Oh, yeah, good luck with that one, Chris.
20:50LAUGHTER
20:52OK, well, we're seeing Kenneth Williams and Hattie Jakes in bed.
20:55Um, hanky-panky.
20:57This is a phrase which apparently younger people don't know what it means
21:00and they don't use it any more.
21:01Yeah.
21:02Apparently 67% of Gen Z say they've never heard the phrase hanky-panky
21:07before.
21:08The Daily Star gave a rundown of the least understood innuendos
21:12and here they are.
21:14OK.
21:16At number ten, a seeing-to at 28%.
21:21Oh, God.
21:22Justine at number nine is getting your leg over at 30%.
21:26Dropping down to number eight is screwing at 32%.
21:30Holding its own at number seven is nookie at 48%.
21:33LAUGHTER
21:34And a new entry, Rumpy Pumpy at 61% at number six.
21:40Yeah.
21:40Steadily at number five, hanky-panky, 67%.
21:43And just below the top three, at number four, slap and tickle, 68%.
21:48LAUGHTER
21:48And then, unbelievably, number three, making love, but 71% have not heard of it.
21:55What?
21:55Number two, kept off the top spot is a knee trembler, 76%.
21:59LAUGHTER
22:00And topping the charts, number one, how's your father?
22:06LAUGHTER
22:1271% of younger people don't know the phrase making love.
22:15Well, it strikes me if that's the case, there'll be no more Gens after Gen Z.
22:20LAUGHTER
22:21How many times do you have to hear the words Rumpy Pumpy before guessing?
22:24You think it's a type of pudding?
22:27LAUGHTER
22:27So in public school.
22:29Oh, gosh, Rumpy Pumpy today.
22:32Thank you, patron.
22:33LAUGHTER
22:36Oh, Monty and I are going back.
22:39We're going all dewy-eyed.
22:42Um...
22:43Time now for the odd one out round.
22:45Just one between you this week.
22:47Yeah.
22:47Your four are...
22:49Joan Collins, Alan Titchmarsh.
22:51Yes.
22:51Jacob Rees-Mogg.
22:52Yes.
22:53And me.
22:54And you.
22:55Oh, there you are, line.
22:56Yeah, I'm here.
22:57That's the fourth picture.
22:58Um, OK.
22:59Well, Alan Titchmarsh is incredibly successful.
23:02Oh, yeah, yeah.
23:04LAUGHTER
23:06Really, really loved by the British public.
23:09Yeah.
23:10Jacob Rees-Mogg is not loved by the British public,
23:13so maybe the other two aren't either.
23:15Well...
23:15LAUGHTER
23:16Has that got anything to do with writing novels?
23:19Has Alan Titchmarsh has written a novel, hasn't he?
23:22Yeah, erotic novel.
23:23Yeah.
23:23Monty, I mean, certainly, you're here.
23:24As I ask you, have you written any novels?
23:26I haven't written any novels and you're wildly off track.
23:29Have you written any erotic novels?
23:30Not only have I not written any novels, I haven't written any erotic novels either.
23:34That's the kind of thing someone would say if they have written an erotic novel.
23:36LAUGHTER
23:38I'm going to give you a clue.
23:40It's something to do with clothing that we don't like.
23:42Oh.
23:43Underwear.
23:43Do you wear underwear?
23:45No, I don't.
23:46I do wear underwear, but it's none of your business.
23:52LAUGHTER
23:52You're on the right track.
23:53Because he was wearing jeans.
23:54Yeah.
23:54In Korea, I think he was.
23:56And Monty Don, always naked.
23:59LAUGHTER
24:01Erm...
24:02It's the correct answer.
24:04LAUGHTER
24:05It's sort of right.
24:07The truth is that none of us wear jeans except for Alan Titchmarsh,
24:12whose jeans were censored by North Korea.
24:15This is because they're seen as a sort of Western attire.
24:19Exactly.
24:19Yes, that's exactly right.
24:20Capitalist trousers.
24:21Let's have a look at Alan's picture-related bottom half.
24:24There he is.
24:27LAUGHTER
24:29I mean, it makes it look ruder than it actually ever was, doesn't it?
24:33LAUGHTER
24:34Do you know why Joan Collins doesn't wear jeans?
24:37She doesn't like them.
24:38Yes.
24:40LAUGHTER
24:41LAUGHTER
24:43Jacob Rees-Mogg also admitted he's never wore jeans
24:46and asked by Andrew Marr if he had ever owned jeans or a T-shirt,
24:51Reece-Mogg responded,
24:52why would I want to?
24:55LAUGHTER
24:55Instead, he said he prefers to wear a suit when relaxing.
25:00Presumably like this.
25:02LAUGHTER
25:03Why don't you wear jeans?
25:05They're really cold in winter, they're hot in summer,
25:08they're slow to dry when they're wet,
25:09and they chafe in places where you don't want to chafe.
25:12Well, like Doncaster.
25:14LAUGHTER
25:15You've got it.
25:17Time now for the missing words round,
25:19which this week features as its guest publication,
25:22Moth Mumblings,
25:23the newsletter of the Hertfordshire and Middlesex Moth Group.
25:27And we start with...
25:32Is it practice incest?
25:34LAUGHTER
25:35No.
25:36No, no, no.
25:36Oh, you'd like the lights on, would you?
25:39LAUGHTER
25:41It's you'll feel better if you shower with the lights off.
25:45Ah.
25:46Do it every day, still don't feel better.
25:48LAUGHTER
25:50It's a lie.
25:53Next.
25:55Moth Mumblings sometimes includes content about what,
25:59but only if it's interesting enough.
26:02Is it Jacob Rees-Mogg?
26:04LAUGHTER
26:05Moth Mumblings sometimes include content about butterflies
26:07and other flying insects, but only if it's interesting enough.
26:10Well, no, the answer is moths from outside
26:12the Hertfordshire and Middlesex area.
26:15LAUGHTER
26:17I'm surprised you didn't get that.
26:19I should have done it at the tip of my tongue.
26:21This is from Moth Mumblings, which, incidentally,
26:24is quite a new magazine.
26:25It's emerged recently from Caterpillar Monthly.
26:29LAUGHTER
26:30And now, finally, octopuses like to what using what?
26:36Does it count to eight using their legs?
26:39LAUGHTER
26:41Octopuses like to make love using a specialised mating arm.
26:46Oh, I've got one of them.
26:48LAUGHTER
26:50He only uses it on himself.
26:51Yeah.
26:53But you can make a cup of tea at the same time.
26:56And stir the sugar in.
26:58LAUGHTER
27:00This is the revelation that a male octopus
27:03has a special arm known as a hectocotylus,
27:07which he uses to deliver a parcel of sperm.
27:11Or if you're out, he will leave it with a neighbour.
27:13LAUGHTER
27:15So, do we have the final scores?
27:18Do we?
27:18Yes.
27:19Which are...
27:20Oh, no, we haven't lost, have we?
27:21Ian and Helen have five.
27:24And Paul and Chris have six.
27:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
27:31On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and Helen Lewis, Paul Merton and Chris McCausland.
27:38And I leave you with news that, in Canterbury, police chiefs deny their recruits aren't up to the job as
27:45one stops a passer-by to ask which way the suspected cathedral robber went.
27:50LAUGHTER
27:54At Heathrow, an air traffic controller tells an incoming 747 to aim for those red dots.
28:02LAUGHTER
28:05And the Queen's habit of leaving a pork pie tucked behind her ear for later...
28:10LAUGHTER
28:10..has its inevitable consequences.
28:14LAUGHTER
28:28You can listen to live commentary reports and reaction from Augusta.
28:32You can follow The Masters with BBC Sans.
28:34This and everything across the BBC is made possible because we're funded by you.
28:40What are those criminal masterminds next?
28:43It's The Young Offenders.
28:46APPLAUSE
28:46About alcohol using...
28:50To inform your inclusive drama and behavioural internet...
28:51This has done on the internet, we can't, like, how that works because it does say it differently.
28:51At The names of our children and children are allowed to go.
28:51We're out in L Associate in time
28:51There can be reports on the Saturday night but we're düng for more things today.
28:51£30.
28:52That'd be true.
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