The Last Leg Season 33 Episode 1
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Duff off your telly, find the remote and reattach your arm.
00:12It's Friday, we're live, and it's time for the last leg.
00:18Tonight on the show, we ask if Donald Trump has served up peace in the Middle East,
00:22find a few faults with recent immigration coverage,
00:25and show a bit of love to some sumos.
00:29Plus, we'll be joined by comedians Stevie Martin and Frank Skinner
00:32on the show that's not afraid to take a swing at the news.
00:36G'day!
00:54G'day! Hello!
00:57Oh, my goodness.
00:59Oh, my goodness.
01:02Oh, my goodness.
01:04G'day, I'm Adam Hills.
01:05Welcome to The Last Leg,
01:06the show that's definitely not part of a Chinese plot
01:08to destabilise British culture.
01:10With me, as always, is the pride of Dartmoor, Josh Whittacombe,
01:12and the man who thought MI5 was a 90s boy band, Alex Brookha.
01:16Now, a lot has happened to us over the last six months.
01:26A lot's happened in the news.
01:27We'll get to that.
01:28The biggest thing for me, I just want to say this.
01:30I went to the Paris Standing Tennis World Championships
01:32in Barcelona in June.
01:33I came home with this as a doubles world champion.
01:37Oh!
01:41You know what?
01:47Yeah.
01:49Very impressed.
01:50It's a lovely trophy.
01:51Yeah.
01:51It's amazing what you can buy at Timpsons at an hour's notice.
01:54It's the only trophy in sport
01:56that looks like the head of a Power Ranger.
01:58What if I look at you don't have one of them Mexican wrestling masks?
02:01Old Limpo Libre over there.
02:05It is very impressive.
02:07Very excited.
02:08I won with my partner, Alex Hunt,
02:10who is my favourite disabled...
02:11Sounds a bit like a thing you say to me sometimes.
02:18He is my favourite disabled person called Alex.
02:24Here is the winning moment.
02:31I'm not like a tennis expert,
02:56but just on the basis of that clip...
02:59Yeah.
02:59It feels like the other guy hits it a lot.
03:04Like, your partner, he hits it a lot, doesn't he?
03:08He does.
03:10Hilsey takes...
03:11Hilsey does his share.
03:12They cut out the bit where Hilsey carried the rackets to the court.
03:16It feels...
03:17The other guy is really good, though, isn't he?
03:19Oh, yeah.
03:19Look, I've said it before, I'll say it again.
03:21Tennis is like life.
03:22It helps if you've got the right partner.
03:23And mine is 31, really fit,
03:25and a former professional tennis player.
03:29And to my credit, I did do a lot on the court.
03:31I know you didn't see it there,
03:32but a lot of points, I shouted the word yours.
03:38Very loudly.
03:41So that was my last six months.
03:43Josh, big news for you.
03:44I've moved home to Devon.
03:45You have moved home?
03:46Come home to Devon.
03:48Yeah.
03:48Um, genuinely, I've bought a house,
03:52and, um, the reason, and this may be a mistake,
03:56was, this is 100% true,
03:58we were walking around the house,
03:59and within a minute, the estate agent said,
04:01you're not going to believe who used to live here.
04:04Noel Edmonds.
04:06Wow.
04:08And what am I if not Noel Edmonds for the TikTok generation?
04:11Please tell me you had to call up to make an offer.
04:16Um, so, yeah, it's not, just to be clear,
04:18it's not Crinkly Bottom, just to be clear.
04:19We haven't got a gunge tank in our sitting room.
04:22But that is the rumour about it.
04:24And, like, and I didn't think it was true,
04:26but I'm still getting his post.
04:28Look, here we go.
04:29To Noel Edmonds.
04:30Yeah.
04:31So I just open it.
04:32Fuck it.
04:33He's in New Zealand, who gives a shit.
04:35It's normally something pretty inoffensive,
04:37but, um, what's this?
04:38Oh, dear.
04:40This doesn't look good.
04:42We have Mr. Blobby.
04:46Well, that looks...
04:47And to show we're serious...
04:48Oh, what is this?
04:50Oh, God, they've got...
04:51Look, I...
04:57I'm hoping it's a finger.
05:05Otherwise, Mrs. Blobby's probably not going to want him back.
05:08I'll take it on if it's going.
05:13You had a big achievement of your own.
05:15Yeah, I did.
05:16I had a massive achievement this summer.
05:19I painted a lot of roundabouts.
05:24You'd have been so proud how neat I was.
05:26No, um...
05:26So, uh, yes, so I now have a title of my own as officially
05:32the person with the smallest hands in my house.
05:36Because the other day, my seven...
05:39Your hamster died?
05:39No.
05:41But my seven-year-old daughter,
05:43for some reason, she just went,
05:45Daddy, put your hand up next to mine.
05:47And I noticed at that moment...
05:49Oh, no.
05:49...that, yes, she...
05:50I now have the hands of a seven-year-old girl.
05:53Look at that.
05:54She's got bigger...
05:55Bigger, bigger hands than me.
05:57Which, do you know what?
05:58Isn't...
05:58Isn't all...
05:59Isn't all bad news, really?
06:00Because I'll tell you what,
06:01she's got some mittens I've had my arm for fucking ages.
06:04So, you're going to see me at the arsehole
06:07with a pair of K-pop demon-hunter mittens.
06:10She's getting too big for them.
06:14So, yeah, but, um...
06:15So, yeah, I've got...
06:16But, yeah, that's really...
06:18That's disgusting.
06:21Genuinely, that's really hard.
06:23But, yeah, it wasn't, uh...
06:25It wasn't, uh, kind of all good news for me
06:27over the summer
06:28because, uh, I've realised
06:30that I'm starting to go grey.
06:33Like...
06:33My beard's going grey.
06:35Now, I always thought this is a trade-off,
06:38this whole hands and foot thing.
06:39I thought that they'd go,
06:40do you know what?
06:40Obviously, some bits you don't have,
06:42but you'll always...
06:43In my head, I was like,
06:43but I just will never go...
06:45Things are going grey.
06:46Even though, obviously, I realise that
06:47with you, that clearly has happened.
06:49But I never, like...
06:50I never...
06:51No, I've noticed it.
06:53Like, with you,
06:53like, I always just imagined you being, like,
06:55old, but now, like, I'm...
06:57It's, like, in my beard.
06:59And it's, like, obviously, now I can't...
07:01I can't dye the beard
07:02because I'm colourblind.
07:03I'm not rolling that dice.
07:07So, I know...
07:08Don't panic.
07:09But, I mean, I mean...
07:10Did you get grey hairs on a fake leg as well?
07:15Look, I'm here to let you know,
07:16it's fine.
07:17You know, if you become a silver fox,
07:19I think you're going to look great.
07:20We've made up a mock-up
07:21of what Alex will look like
07:22in 20 years' time.
07:23I really kind of am...
07:27I really am on my way
07:29to, like, my ideal job
07:30of being, like,
07:31a shopping centre Santa.
07:33You look like the head of an ad company
07:36who's about to lose his job to AI.
07:40By the way,
07:41this is what Josh will look like
07:42in 20 years' time.
07:43No, I'm kidding.
07:56This is what Josh will look like
07:57in 20 years' time.
08:00Jesus Christ,
08:01you're like Harold Shipman!
08:02This is like the pensioners
08:07shitting themselves
08:07such as...
08:08My God!
08:10All right, we are live
08:11on your television.
08:13Would you like to see God
08:14a lot earlier than you thought?
08:17We are live on your television.
08:17Would you like to see me
08:17in your will?
08:20Which means you can
08:21send us any questions
08:22you want to ask us
08:23about the news,
08:24message us on Instagram,
08:25the hashtag is OK.
08:26Use WhatsApp,
08:27the number is 07956175908,
08:30or you can scan the QR code
08:32on the screen.
08:33For example,
08:34is it OK that after
08:35six months off air,
08:36we're back refreshed
08:37with a whole bunch
08:37of new insights
08:38into the news?
08:39Yes.
08:40Is it OK that none of it
08:41will be as funny
08:41as this incredible moment
08:42from the traitors
08:43during the week?
08:45Welcome to the worst
08:46team-building away day
08:48experience in history.
08:51Mm-hmm.
08:55What just happened?
08:57I just filed it.
08:58I'm so sorry.
09:02I'm so sorry.
09:06It's nerves.
09:07But I always
09:08owe not to.
09:08I know.
09:09I always owe not to.
09:10You can't even trust
09:21your bowels on that show.
09:23One thing we know
09:24about the British public,
09:25you love an old fart
09:26on television.
09:27Oh, I'd love it
09:28if in years to come
09:28we'd look back
09:29on the BAFTA moments
09:30of the year.
09:30And 2024 was Chris
09:32McCausland dancing
09:32on Strictly,
09:33and then 2025
09:34is Celia Emery
09:35farting on Strictly.
09:36And now that we have
09:38prepared a show
09:39for you tonight,
09:39but in the last few hours
09:41it's been revealed
09:42that Prince Andrew
09:43has decided to give up
09:44all his royal titles,
09:46which means the Duke of York
09:48is up for grabs.
09:50Ironically,
09:50that's what got him
09:51into trouble
09:51in the first place.
09:52Could I be the first
10:02to refer to him
10:03as the artist
10:03formerly known as Prince Andrew?
10:06It must be quite stressful
10:09for him,
10:09all of this going on today.
10:11He's probably sat home
10:11just thinking,
10:12I just need to get away.
10:13If only I had a mate
10:14who had an island,
10:15I could have gone to.
10:17But the most incredible thing
10:18I thought about it
10:19is he said he's giving it up
10:21after discussions.
10:22After discussions with the king?
10:23After discussions with the king.
10:24That's like me saying
10:25I gave up my right foot
10:27after discussions
10:27with my surgeon.
10:28It was going.
10:31Well,
10:31he didn't say
10:32I'm giving them up.
10:32He said,
10:33I'm not using them anymore.
10:35Yeah.
10:35It was the letter he said.
10:36So that would be like
10:37you having your foot amputated
10:39and then saying,
10:40oh,
10:40I haven't given it up.
10:40I'm just not using them.
10:44Look,
10:44on other news now,
10:45the question of the week is
10:46has Donald Trump
10:47solved world peace?
10:49Because this week,
10:50the tangerine tyrant
10:51became the pumpkin-faced peacemaker
10:52when he announced
10:54a ceasefire agreement
10:55had been reached
10:55between Israel and Hamas.
10:57Lee Allen said,
10:58is it okay?
10:58I felt like I was living
10:59in a parallel universe
11:01when Donald Trump
11:02was the one
11:02that brought peace
11:03to the Middle East.
11:04I know,
11:04it's weird, right?
11:06Donald Trump
11:07did something good.
11:08It's like being reminded
11:09that Jimmy Savile
11:10raised money for charity.
11:11Does Donald Trump
11:18deserve credit this week?
11:20I think there's level,
11:22I think you've got to judge,
11:23you've got to give him
11:23some credit.
11:24There's obviously a scale,
11:25isn't there?
11:25So there's the top level
11:27of credit,
11:27which would be like,
11:28you know,
11:29Diego Maradona
11:30winning the 1986
11:32World Cup single-handedly.
11:34Yeah.
11:34That'd be like ten.
11:35And then zero,
11:36which is what you brought
11:37to the Paris Stanley tennis.
11:38I don't think he's
11:42somewhere in between that.
11:43I kind of go,
11:45fair play?
11:46Fair play to him,
11:47but he just feels like
11:48so out of character.
11:50For someone like him
11:51just to be so peaceful.
11:53You know like when you see
11:53like a video pop up
11:54on Instagram,
11:55like a gorilla
11:56and it's become friends
11:57of a little kitten?
11:59Yeah.
11:59And you go,
11:59everything about me says
12:00this should have ended
12:01fucking badly.
12:03He's just not,
12:04like he's just not
12:05in his character.
12:07So on peace,
12:07this is a geezer
12:08who can't go a day
12:09on social media
12:10without saying
12:10he hates someone.
12:11He tweets in capital.
12:13Well,
12:14he released a 20-point
12:15peace plan for Gaza
12:16and maybe there is
12:18something in it
12:18for Donald Trump
12:19because point ten
12:20of the 20-point
12:21peace plan says
12:23It's difficult to say,
12:24isn't it?
12:24It is.
12:24Point ten is this.
12:26A Trump economic
12:27development plan
12:28to rebuild
12:29and energise Gaza
12:29will be created
12:30by a panel of experts.
12:32So Donald Trump's
12:33best mate
12:34destroyed a city
12:34with weapons
12:35supplied by Donald Trump
12:36and now Donald Trump
12:37will be in charge
12:38of the redevelopment.
12:39I just think,
12:40because Trump
12:41economic development plan,
12:42that's essentially,
12:42that's branding.
12:43Yeah.
12:44I know a lot of the world
12:45is branded these days
12:46but I don't feel like
12:47branding is something
12:49that should come into
12:50like peace agreements.
12:53You know,
12:53like if it was like
12:54the Select Carlees
12:54and Good Friday agreement
12:56or the Geneva Convention
12:58in association
12:59with Domino
12:59whoo-hoo.
13:04It's not about the same.
13:11So I guess,
13:12I guess the big question is
13:13how much of this
13:14was Donald Trump
13:15trying to get
13:15the Nobel Peace Prize
13:16and does it matter?
13:18Well, in a way
13:18it doesn't matter
13:19because him
13:20just wanting to win
13:21a prize
13:21is probably
13:22the most innocent motive
13:24he's ever had
13:25in anything.
13:25And also,
13:26maybe it means
13:27we could just encourage him
13:28to do other stuff
13:29with prize.
13:30If he's that simple
13:31in to please,
13:32you just go,
13:33have you heard about
13:34the prize for the man
13:35who stops global warming?
13:37Yeah, yeah.
13:37Or have you heard about
13:38the prize for the man
13:39who does Home Alone 3?
13:41Just stuff like that.
13:43Oh, yes, please.
13:44But the thing is,
13:45I think it's such a motivation.
13:47Genuinely,
13:47for him,
13:48he desperately wants
13:49the Nobel Peace Prize
13:50and I do feel like
13:51it's like,
13:52you know when your kids
13:52want time on the iPad?
13:54Yeah.
13:54No, Melania's been
13:55going around the house
13:56just going to tell you
13:56what, Donald,
13:57if you're tired of your room,
13:58you get a couple of hours
13:59on a Nobel Peace Prize.
14:01Israel's leader,
14:02Benjamin Netanyahu,
14:03tweeted this pandering
14:04photo of Trump
14:05with an AI-generated
14:06Nobel Peace Prize.
14:08He looks like
14:09he's got a token
14:09for a trolley.
14:13He looks like
14:14a grandfather clock.
14:16Two seconds after that,
14:18another assassination attempt
14:19failed
14:19because it hit him
14:20on that thing.
14:21He looks a bit like
14:22Flavor Flav.
14:24Between them,
14:24the two of them
14:25are public enemy.
14:26It's worth pointing out,
14:28though,
14:28that while Trump
14:29is angling for the
14:29Nobel Peace Prize,
14:30back home,
14:31another one of his critics
14:32has just been indicted
14:33and may now face court.
14:35That's the third Trump critic
14:36to be indicted
14:37in the past few weeks,
14:38which is why
14:39I'm going to say it right now,
14:41I think Donald Trump
14:41deserves the Nobel Peace Prize.
14:43And I'm not just saying that
14:44because I want to be
14:45let into the United States
14:47in 2028
14:48for the Paralympics
14:48in Los Angeles.
14:49I've always said it.
14:50How many times
14:51have I said it?
14:51You've always said it.
14:53You always talk about
14:54tennis,
14:55Donald Trump Peace Prize.
14:56Yeah.
14:56Look,
14:57here's evidence
14:57I've actually said it
14:58on the show.
15:00Can I just say
15:01that Donald Trump
15:01is so great,
15:02surely he deserves
15:03a Nobel Peace Prize.
15:06So many times.
15:08So many times.
15:09So many times.
15:09See you in 2028, America.
15:17By the way,
15:17if you're wondering
15:18how much input
15:18Keir Starmer had this week
15:20into that whole deal,
15:21this cringeworthy clip
15:22sums up how important
15:23he was to the process.
15:25Where's the United Kingdom?
15:27Where's our friend?
15:28Where?
15:29Come here.
15:31Is everything all good?
15:33It's very nice of you here.
15:35These people all came
15:36at like 20 minute notice.
15:40Yeah,
15:40they've been saying
15:41that I said.
15:44You know,
15:45he says like,
15:46where's United Kingdom?
15:47Where's our friend?
15:48He's forgotten his name.
15:50Oh,
15:50absolutely.
15:51You know when you've forgotten
15:52it's like,
15:53here he is.
15:53He's,
15:54he's,
15:54here he is.
15:54Geese,
15:55your buddy,
15:56his old specs.
15:57This guy,
15:58this guy.
15:59Here he is,
16:00my man.
16:01So weird that Trump
16:02calls him up
16:02then won't let him
16:03near the microphone.
16:05His number's like
16:05the posh spice
16:06of world leaders.
16:08The irony is,
16:09Tony Blair seems to have
16:10done most of the work
16:10on the deal
16:11and considering his record
16:12in the Middle East
16:12that would make him
16:13scary spice.
16:14Graham messaged us
16:15on Instagram to say,
16:16is it okay Donald Trump
16:17seems more concerned
16:18with how he looks
16:19on the cover of
16:19Time magazine
16:20than with what's
16:21happening in Gaza?
16:22Yeah,
16:22so Donald Trump
16:23made the cover of
16:24Time magazine this week.
16:25He was less impressed,
16:27less than impressed
16:27with this grandiose shot.
16:29He didn't like that at all.
16:31It looks like he's
16:32mistakenly taken a selfie
16:33on the way to the line.
16:35He's flipped his phone,
16:38he's got 15 of those
16:39players.
16:42He went on Truth Social
16:44and he wrote,
16:44Time magazine wrote a
16:45relatively good story
16:46about me but the picture
16:47may be the worst
16:48of all time.
16:49They disappeared my hair
16:51and then had something
16:53floating on top of my head
16:53that looked like a
16:54floating crown but an
16:55extremely small one
16:56really weird.
16:58I mean,
16:58Time is definitely
16:59disappearing his hair
17:00but not the magazine.
17:01It's kind of amazing
17:04that someone's skin
17:05can be so thin
17:05while wearing so many
17:06layers of make-up.
17:08Alright,
17:09it does kind of look
17:10like an orangutan
17:11squatting over a mirror
17:12but,
17:14do you not like,
17:16in fairness,
17:17I don't want this to be
17:18like,
17:19well,
17:19defending him
17:20but,
17:21that photo,
17:22like if that was,
17:23someone took that of you,
17:23you ain't sticking that
17:24on your Instagram,
17:25mate.
17:25That ain't making
17:25the gram.
17:26Absolutely.
17:27No.
17:27What it says to me is that
17:28he mentioned like,
17:29the hair and the crown
17:30and everything,
17:30he doesn't mention his neck,
17:32how bad his neck looks.
17:33And for me,
17:34that's the worst part.
17:35I think he didn't want
17:36to admit he's got
17:37a neck gina.
17:48His tie is literally
17:50grabbing him by the pussy.
17:53It's interesting,
17:54I see bollocks.
17:56I see nexsticles.
17:59Yeah,
17:59it's like a weird
18:00Rorschach tip.
18:04But,
18:04to be fair,
18:05you make a good point.
18:06I mean,
18:06I think we'd all be annoyed
18:07if we were on the cover
18:08of Time Magazine
18:09with our least favourite photos.
18:10Yeah.
18:10And to prove a point,
18:12we've mocked them up.
18:13This is Time Magazine
18:14with my least favourite
18:15photo of it.
18:16That's me,
18:17really angry
18:18on the rugby pitch.
18:19And the reason
18:20I'm really angry
18:20is because I was
18:22chasing Alex.
18:24That was the first time
18:26we said Alex Hum.
18:29Josh,
18:30if we imagine,
18:30imagine you.
18:31Yeah,
18:31I know what this is going to be.
18:33And this is the cover
18:34we use.
18:39It was a different time,
18:40it was a different time.
18:41A better time.
18:42And Alex,
18:44I mean,
18:44we've gone through
18:45to find a photo of you.
18:46Imagine it.
18:47Alex Brooker,
18:48the cover of Time Magazine.
18:49Yeah.
18:50And this is what they use.
18:51Oh,
18:52Jesus Christ.
18:54I look like,
18:55I look like King Charles
18:56is going to take my titles away.
18:59To be fair,
19:00you are the same colour
19:00as Trump in that picture.
19:02All right,
19:03let's welcome tonight's guest.
19:04She's a comedian
19:05who streams online,
19:06he's a comedian
19:06who streams three times a night.
19:08Please welcome
19:08Stevie Martin
19:09and Frank Skinner.
19:10Stevie Frank,
19:27welcome to the show.
19:28What are your thoughts
19:29on the Middle East?
19:31Oh,
19:31I've solved it.
19:32Have you?
19:33No.
19:35And I can't.
19:36And I won't be doing it now live.
19:38Frank,
19:38I like the speech
19:40that he did
19:41to the,
19:43whatever they call,
19:44the kinetic
19:45in Israel.
19:47I like it
19:48when he goes off auto-cue
19:49and starts doing new material.
19:52Really,
19:53he could say anything
19:54and when he tried
19:55to get Netanyahu
19:56a pardon and stuff
19:57was brilliant.
19:59But I agree with you,
20:00when bad guys
20:01start doing good things,
20:02you don't know
20:03how to respond.
20:04Yeah.
20:04Like when the tourists,
20:06woman leader,
20:07woman leader,
20:08brown man,
20:09black woman,
20:09you think,
20:10well you just,
20:11you're the bad guys.
20:12What are you doing?
20:14Meet Sir Keir Starmer.
20:17So,
20:17I,
20:18he has got peace
20:19it seems.
20:20Yeah.
20:21Who are you?
20:21And I really felt
20:23sorry for him
20:23on Time Magazine
20:25because I,
20:26I got,
20:27um,
20:28vid,
20:28well shot,
20:29filmed recently
20:30and it was
20:31quite windy
20:32and when I watched it back
20:34I could see
20:35my throat
20:35was moving.
20:38Like a chicken's waffle.
20:39Yeah,
20:39just moving.
20:40Now,
20:40I'm,
20:40now,
20:42you don't want that.
20:42I want to throw
20:43some more political news
20:43to you this week.
20:44Um,
20:45former Canadian Prime Minister
20:46Justin Trudeau
20:47has been caught
20:49in steamy photos
20:50with rock star
20:51Katy Perry.
20:52Yeah.
20:53Ah,
20:53that's,
20:54I mean,
20:54that's what you,
20:55known as a,
20:56used to be in power couple.
20:57How,
20:58how do,
20:58I mean,
21:00she,
21:00sorry.
21:01No,
21:01go on,
21:01I was just saying,
21:02the,
21:02the other famous one
21:03is her with Orlando Bloom
21:05and he's got his knob out,
21:06isn't it?
21:06So at least it's not that.
21:08On the paddle board,
21:09yeah.
21:09Yeah.
21:09I always think,
21:10he's behind us
21:11standing up.
21:13I always think
21:13she didn't know
21:15and he's,
21:16his penis is sort of here.
21:18Yeah,
21:18he's sort of going,
21:19what is that?
21:23Where's the blobby finger?
21:24Oh,
21:24sorry.
21:25Yeah,
21:25sure.
21:26There you go.
21:27There we go.
21:29There we go.
21:36It was,
21:37he wasn't in full bloom.
21:41Is it true
21:43you met Justin Trudeau?
21:44Yeah,
21:45I was at the
21:45Montreal Comedy Festival
21:47and you know
21:47when you do comedy abroad,
21:49you try and find
21:50someone who lives there,
21:52who you can sit with
21:53and go through
21:53your material
21:54to see if all
21:56the references
21:57are there
21:57and I said to these guys,
21:58I need to talk
21:59to a Canadian
22:00and they said,
22:01well there's the Canadian
22:02you should talk to.
22:02I didn't know
22:03who he was
22:04and I said,
22:05can I,
22:05can I ask you
22:06some questions
22:07about references
22:08for Canada
22:08and he went,
22:09um,
22:10yeah.
22:11So I sat down
22:12and this is my act,
22:13you know what my act
22:14is like,
22:15it's borderline
22:16disgusting.
22:16I was saying,
22:18do they say
22:19tea bagging?
22:23And he said,
22:24uh,
22:25that sounds
22:25very English.
22:28Which it does
22:29when you stand
22:29back from it.
22:30But I had,
22:31I had no idea,
22:33uh,
22:33that he was
22:33the son of the
22:34president.
22:35When he became
22:35president,
22:36I didn't recognise him
22:37because when I met
22:38him in Montreal
22:39he was in blackface.
22:40But yeah,
22:45so I was asking
22:46Justin Trudeau
22:48to explain
22:48Canadian references.
22:50Did he have his
22:51knob out?
22:53Not,
22:53not,
22:54not immediately.
22:55Sure.
22:55As we got closer.
22:57Meanwhile,
22:58uh,
22:58a book this week
22:59alleges Margaret Thatcher
23:00had at least two
23:02affairs while she
23:03was in office.
23:04That's right,
23:04turns out the lady
23:05was returning.
23:07How do we feel
23:08about Margaret Thatcher
23:09having an affair?
23:10What's in office?
23:10Does anyone care?
23:11Uh,
23:12well,
23:12good on her.
23:13Yeah.
23:15I interviewed
23:16Carol Thatcher
23:17once,
23:17her daughter,
23:18and she said
23:18when I was
23:19growing up
23:19the motto
23:20in our house
23:21was
23:21just get on
23:23with it.
23:24And I thought
23:24that's what you
23:25want to hear
23:25in the bedroom.
23:28My kind of woman.
23:30I can imagine,
23:31I mean,
23:32I've always really
23:33fancied the tiger
23:34in Kung Fu Panda.
23:39And she's got
23:41that intimidating,
23:42slightly scary thing.
23:47Um,
23:48Stevie,
23:48I did think
23:49lots of people
23:50would go,
23:50yeah,
23:51when I went
23:51to the
23:52Trump's
23:53talk.
23:53No.
23:54Nothing.
23:54No,
23:55I'm in the
23:56Panda,
23:56clearly.
23:57Um,
23:58Stevie,
23:59Stevie,
23:59what did you
24:02make,
24:02like,
24:02of Trump's
24:04time cover?
24:04Is there an
24:05awkward photo
24:06of you you
24:07wouldn't want
24:07to see in
24:07public?
24:08Oh,
24:08I don't know,
24:08I'm not
24:09successful enough
24:10to have that
24:10many photos,
24:11but when you
24:12Google me,
24:14um,
24:15the photo
24:15isn't me,
24:17it's,
24:18uh,
24:18a lovely woman.
24:19Oh,
24:20yeah,
24:20we've got a
24:20copy of it.
24:21Have you got,
24:21there we go.
24:22Oh,
24:22yeah,
24:22that's me,
24:23yeah.
24:24Her name's
24:24Stevie Simonette
24:25Martin.
24:26She's from
24:26Atlanta.
24:27And, uh,
24:28she's a
24:29makeup artist.
24:31Um,
24:31I think what I'm
24:32going to do is
24:32I'm going to go
24:33to America
24:33at some
24:35point and
24:36get a selfie
24:37with her
24:37and put it
24:38as my
24:38Wikipedia page
24:39and then the
24:39internet will
24:40just explode.
24:41And so then,
24:42so ideally your
24:43worst time cover
24:44would be this?
24:45I guess so.
24:48Which feel,
24:48I mean,
24:49she looks amazing.
24:50I could never
24:51wear that.
24:51I'm good for her.
24:52Um,
24:53and Frank,
24:53look,
24:53just,
24:54you know,
24:54so you're not
24:54left out,
24:55we've done a
24:55bit of research
24:55to find out
24:56what might be
24:56the worst
24:57photo to put
24:57of you.
24:58So many times.
24:59My wife
25:00recently described
25:01our 13-year-old
25:02son as
25:03a good-looking
25:04version of
25:05me.
25:08Well,
25:09this is your
25:10time cover.
25:13Oh,
25:13yeah.
25:14Yeah.
25:15All right,
25:16well,
25:16listen,
25:16we'll have more
25:16last week for you
25:17after the break.
25:17We're going to
25:18cover immigration
25:18issues with
25:19this guy.
25:22Fuck.
25:25We'll see you
25:26in a little bit.
25:42Welcome back
25:43to Last Week.
25:44We're joined by
25:45Stevie Martin and Frank Skinner.
25:46Time for a headline now.
25:47I never thought
25:48I'd be saying
25:48on television,
25:49Paddington Bear
25:50is suing
25:51Spitting Image.
25:52Actually,
25:53the makers of
25:53Paddington
25:53are suing
25:54the makers
25:54of Spitting Image
25:55for creating
25:56a coke-snorting,
25:57foul-mouthed
25:58version of
25:58Paddington
25:58that looks
25:59like this.
26:02Sorry,
26:03my mistake,
26:03that's an incredibly
26:04stylish shot
26:04of Liam Gallagher.
26:05This is the
26:05version of
26:06Paddington.
26:12Now,
26:12Frank,
26:13you wrote an
26:14article about this
26:14during the week.
26:14You had a problem
26:15with it,
26:15right?
26:16Yeah,
26:17I think that
26:18Paddington is a very
26:20positive image
26:22of a migrant.
26:23He's genuinely
26:24caring,
26:25and he arrives
26:26with just
26:27the only paperwork.
26:28He comes into
26:29the country,
26:30says,
26:30please look after
26:31this bear.
26:32You know,
26:32it's so beautiful,
26:34the trust
26:34in the British
26:36public
26:36and the compassion.
26:37and I think
26:38this sort of
26:39plays into
26:40a sort of
26:41more reform,
26:42oh,
26:43they're all on
26:43drugs and
26:44they're selling
26:45guns and
26:48stuff like that.
26:49Also,
26:49I used to,
26:50if I sort of
26:51thought I was
26:52getting slightly
26:53involved with
26:54a woman,
26:55I used to have
26:56a question that
26:57I used as a
26:58sort of test,
26:58and I would
26:59very casually
27:00say,
27:00would you be
27:01okay knocking
27:02a nail into
27:03a teddy bear's
27:04face?
27:04And if they
27:07said,
27:08yeah,
27:09I knew that
27:10love would
27:12never gloss
27:13And you could
27:16have sex after
27:17that.
27:18I couldn't
27:18have sex after
27:19that,
27:19no.
27:20It was too
27:20much like
27:21knocking a
27:21nail into
27:22a nail.
27:24No,
27:25but I genuinely
27:26asked it,
27:26because I think
27:28that,
27:28I do think
27:29Did you have
27:29the nail
27:30and the
27:30teddy bear's?
27:31I just
27:32honestly think
27:33that if
27:33Nigel Farage
27:34had walked
27:35along that
27:35platform,
27:36he would
27:37have reported
27:37Paddington to
27:38the authorities.
27:39Agreed,
27:40yeah.
27:40And you get
27:41the Brown
27:41family,
27:42you get the
27:43Farage dad,
27:44and he's won
27:45over by the
27:46compassionate and
27:46caring women and
27:48children around
27:49him.
27:49So I think you
27:50should leave
27:51Paddington alone.
27:53Stevie?
27:53Yeah.
27:54Yeah.
28:01I agree,
28:02but I do think
28:03like, you know,
28:04it is also
28:05mad to sue
28:06someone for
28:07a joke,
28:08so I wanted
28:09to challenge
28:10and say
28:11maybe Disney
28:12could sue me
28:13for doing
28:14this.
28:16I'm Winnie
28:17the Pooh
28:18and I'm a
28:19bee-hating
28:19piece of
28:20shit.
28:32Balls in your
28:33court,
28:33Disney.
28:34I'm genuinely
28:35concerned about
28:37this,
28:37because I was
28:38about to launch
28:39a new animated
28:40series called
28:41Bonnie Bluey.
28:45Oh, God.
28:47What is that
28:48theme song?
28:49That,
28:49mom
28:50dad
28:53got a mask
28:55we really need to move on
29:00and
29:00that does lead into something that we were going to talk about Frank
29:03because a lot of things have happened since we were on air
29:05one noticeable change has been
29:07the rise in emotional language around
29:09immigration and look I know it's Friday
29:11night I know it's late but I want to show you
29:13a few graphs that's right things are about
29:15to get graphic okay
29:17These are from the Migration...
29:18Oh, he's got a pointer.
29:19I have got a pointer as well.
29:21Can I borrow it up?
29:23These are from the Migration Observatory at the University of Oxford.
29:26And this is the first one.
29:28Now, before I explain it, I need to point out
29:29that the UK has what's known as a service economy,
29:32which relies on a certain amount of immigration
29:35to cover the jobs that need doing.
29:37So this is the graph of immigration to the UK from 1991 to 2024.
29:42Now, as you can see, immigration dropped really sharply in 2020.
29:47If you remember what happened that year,
29:49it corresponded to a sharp rise in people watching Tiger King
29:51and making banana bread.
29:54The government then chose to increase
29:57the amount of people coming into the country,
29:58mainly international students.
30:00Those levels peaked in 2023,
30:02then fell by the greatest amount ever.
30:07But what about asylum seekers, you might ask?
30:09Well, have a look at this graph.
30:10This is non-EU immigration to the UK from 2019 to 2024.
30:15As you can see, people here mainly came for work and for study.
30:19Meanwhile, migration from EU countries since Brexit
30:22is pretty much negative.
30:24Now, asylum grants down here have gone up a little bit,
30:26but really not that much.
30:28Humanitarian arrivals, yes, they went up in 2022,
30:31but that corresponded to a very sharp decline
30:33in Airbnb bookings in Kiev around the same time.
30:37LAUGHTER
30:38So, how does this compare to every other country in the world?
30:43Well, this is the percentage of the population
30:46born in another country.
30:47And the UK, pretty much right bang in the middle.
30:51It's there with the United States, France and Spain.
30:54So why does it feel like immigration is such a problem here?
30:56Well, look at this graph of countries where Nigel Farage lives.
30:59LAUGHTER
31:00And it all makes sense, or at least it starts to.
31:06So now you can see why people are concerned by immigration,
31:08especially when our politicians won't stop banging on about it.
31:12But when reform leader Nigel Farage says
31:14immigration is out of control, that is bullshit.
31:18When conservative leader Kemi Badernot
31:20blames Labour for immigration levels, that's bullshit.
31:23Because the peak actually happened under the Tories.
31:25And when the Prime Minister said
31:27we're in danger of becoming an island of strangers,
31:30even he had to apologise and call out his own bullshit.
31:34The truth is, Britain is built on immigration.
31:36They deliver your food, they pour your beers,
31:39they prop up your NHS, and they host your TV shows.
31:41LAUGHTER
31:42APPLAUSE
31:44So the next time you hear a politician say
31:56immigration is the problem, just remember,
31:58that is...
31:59A turd the size of Disneyland Paris!
32:01LAUGHTER
32:02APPLAUSE
32:04Now, while we're talking immigration,
32:10there was an issue at the Australian border this week,
32:13when Big John Fisher was turned away
32:15for not having the right visa.
32:17Who is Big John Fisher, you might be asking?
32:18Alex?
32:20Well, Adam, to me, Big John Fisher is a hero.
32:23Yep.
32:23He's a hero, he's a social media personality,
32:27he loves his Chinese food,
32:29and he says the word bosh a lot.
32:32If anything, he, for me,
32:34is very much the British Kim Kardashian.
32:36Here's Big John in action.
32:40BASH!
32:40Saturday night, as Sean Vee would say,
32:43I'm having a bastard Chinese.
32:45BASH!
32:46It's lovely Chinese for the Blue Hawkeye!
32:51Roast duck, Chinese style.
32:53Got all the flavours in there.
32:55Salt and chilli chicken can fuck off.
32:58BASH!
33:01Well, I wasn't really good at that, mate.
33:03I'm too nice, I'm really bad!
33:05Well, it's not often I feel like I've missed out
33:09on a lot in life with having small hands,
33:11but doing a proper bosh, genuinely,
33:13it is one of them.
33:15But so John went to Australia,
33:16he was turned away by your border force,
33:18and normally I love that programme,
33:19but he was turned away,
33:20and he had to fly all the way back.
33:23And, you know, John's a great guy,
33:24he's done a lot of stuff for the community,
33:26you know, he helped a Chinese restaurant in York
33:28that was vandalised during all the summer protests,
33:31he's a top bloke.
33:32And I wanted John to know
33:34that even though there might not be a place
33:36for him in Australia,
33:38and, you know, I've had my time
33:39with problematic Australians,
33:41there's a place for him here,
33:44at the last legs.
33:44So to tell us more,
33:45please welcome Big John Fisher.
33:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
33:49It's going to take my weight, isn't it?
34:08Yeah, you'll be all right.
34:09Yeah, that's all right, we made it.
34:11So, John, thank you for coming on the show, mate.
34:14So tell us what happened in Australia.
34:1717-hour flight direct from London to Perth.
34:21Got off the plane,
34:22then taken to immigration,
34:24five hours in immigration.
34:26I landed legally,
34:28but they weren't happy with one or two things.
34:30I said, like, I won't do anything,
34:31I'll just be here on holiday.
34:33It wasn't to no avail.
34:34Night in a detention centre,
34:36and then fly straight back next day.
34:39So what have you,
34:40you went over there to do some gigs?
34:42To do some meet and greets.
34:43But didn't have a work visa?
34:45I've never needed a work visa,
34:46because you can work on a tourist visa
34:48of, like, what I was doing,
34:49but they said,
34:49because people were earning money off of me,
34:52then it wasn't right.
34:53And I said, right, I totally get that,
34:55I respect what you're saying.
34:56I said, at this point,
34:57have I done anything illegal?
34:58They said, no, you're all fine.
35:00I said, right, I'll cancel everything,
35:02and I'll just have a week's holiday.
35:03I could have done with a week's holiday,
35:04because I've been non-stop,
35:06but to no avail.
35:07They sent me back.
35:08On my birthday.
35:09It was on your birthday.
35:10Yeah.
35:10The flight attendants, so, John,
35:12they were good with you, weren't they?
35:14Qantas crew were amazing.
35:15Got me a birthday cake,
35:17sang me happy birthday.
35:18So out of bad comes good.
35:20I met some wonderful people on that flight,
35:22so thank you.
35:23Well, John, you've been through it this weekend,
35:24and you had a tough birthday,
35:26so I wanted to present you with something,
35:27in honour for being such a legend.
35:31And to bring in the word box,
35:33into the British language.
35:35This is the very first,
35:36the only,
35:37last leg piece prize.
35:38John Christian.
35:39Thank you very much, John.
35:49That's right, mate.
35:49It's spring rolls,
35:51and also the number in Roman numerals
35:53is that for the blue orchid in Romford.
35:55So there you go, mate.
35:56Big up the blue orchid.
35:58We'll have more last leg for you after the break.
36:00We'll unveil our first mystery guest of the series,
36:02and we'll find out what happens
36:03when you cross a sumo with the Beatles.
36:04We'll see you in a little bit.
36:06Right, right.
36:19Wow.
36:19Welcome back to Last Leg.
36:23We're John, my Stevie Martin and Frank Skinner.
36:25I just want to give a quick plug for a fundraiser I'm doing on Sunday.
36:28It's called An Afternoon with Mike McCartney.
36:30Now, Mike McCartney had hits with the songs Lily the Pink,
36:33and Thank You Very Much,
36:34when he was in a band called Scaffold.
36:36But Mike got a camera at the same time
36:39that his brother Paul McCartney got his first ever guitar.
36:43So Mike's got all these amazing photos of his own career,
36:45having number one hits, that he goes through in the show,
36:47as well as Paul's attempt to start a band in Liverpool.
36:51All these photos that no-one else has got.
36:53We're doing the show at 3pm Sunday
36:55at the Park Theatre in Finsbury Park,
36:57but I caught up with Mike this week to go through the show,
36:59and he just pulled out a photo out of nowhere.
37:01It's a photo of a set of 10-pin bowling scores
37:05when he went bowling with him and his brother and their mates.
37:08If you look, the names are Paul, John, George, Mike.
37:13What a 10-pin bowling set that is.
37:16John got 76.
37:18Yeah.
37:18John Lennon, I never thought I'd say this,
37:21but I think I'm better at bowling than John Lennon.
37:32Very happy for you.
37:33Does he call himself Mike McCartney?
37:37Because he was massive when I was a kid,
37:39but he called himself Mike McGeer.
37:41Yes.
37:42So he didn't cash in.
37:43I had a weird thing with Paul McCartney.
37:45I was with my partner, who since has become my wife,
37:49and we were a group of us talking after one of his gigs,
37:53and he said, can I just have a word?
37:54And he took her off to one side.
37:57And afterwards, I said, what did Paul McCartney say?
38:00And he said, she said, oh, he said,
38:02is he treating you all right?
38:04Paul McCartney.
38:06Wow.
38:09Paul McCartney.
38:10Because I said, I bet he actually said,
38:12you're really lucky to have it.
38:15See, that's what he said, apparently.
38:18Oh, look, while we're plugging,
38:19you're on tour at the moment, Stevie.
38:21Oh, yes.
38:21Doing live shows around the country.
38:23Yes.
38:24Frank, you've got a book, a story coming out.
38:26There's a book of P.G. Woodhouse tribute short stories,
38:31and I'm first in the book, and I did the audio book.
38:35So I don't know if you know P.G. Woodhouse,
38:37but I had to do the audio book, go,
38:39oh, I say, James, I really can't, it's very odd.
38:43I don't know how posh people talk like that all the time.
38:46Well, yeah.
38:46Yeah, it really hurts your throat.
38:49Which was wobbling around.
38:50Yeah, I didn't suck, you could only.
38:56Very briefly in sporting news this week,
38:58the second ever grand sumo tournament outside of Japan
39:01has taken place at the Royal Albert Hall,
39:03which means sumos were spotted all around London this week.
39:08Not that hard to spot.
39:10No, yes, it's a good point.
39:11It's a good point.
39:12But they look really incongruous.
39:14Someone took this sneaky photo of some sumos on Lime Bikes.
39:20I wonder if why my delivery didn't turn up.
39:25And look, we're going to bring some sumo to you
39:27at the end of tonight's show.
39:28Josh and Alex and I will take on a sumo
39:31in a three-on-one match in the studio
39:33to the death.
39:37Or at least to the end of the credits.
39:38Right now, though,
39:40we're going to bring on this week's mystery guest.
39:42It's someone from the news.
39:44Frank and Stevie have to try to identify them.
39:46Can we have this week's mystery guest, please?
40:00OK.
40:02Why has this man been in the news this week?
40:04Let's please have the tense lighting change, please.
40:08So, this is Brian.
40:11But why was he in the news?
40:13Was it because, A, he broke a world record
40:15after driving his shed at 123 miles an hour?
40:19B, he broke a world record by staying in his shed
40:22for 16 months and 12 days without leaving?
40:25Or C, he broke hearts by marrying his shed?
40:29So, we need an answer before the ad break.
40:34What do you think?
40:35I think he probably stayed in his shed
40:39for a long time.
40:40No, you're wrong.
40:41That man can drive a shed.
40:43No, but...
40:43I can smell the turps on him.
40:48He can drive the turps.
40:51What do you think?
40:52He lives in his shed.
40:55I can tell you.
40:56He looks so uneasy to be here.
40:58Can I?
40:59Oh, equality.
41:03If I can.
41:07This is it.
41:08This is the final battle of the sexes.
41:10Who's going to get it right?
41:11He drove the shed for women!
41:14All right.
41:15We'll find out after the break.
41:17We'll uncover the mystery guest.
41:18We'll try a spot of sumo.
41:19We'll see you in a little bit.
41:20Welcome back to The Last Legs.
41:37We're joined by Stevie Martin and Frank Skinner.
41:39We are ready for sumo.
41:42But before the break, we challenged Stevie and Frank
41:44to work out how our mystery guest Brian
41:46was connected to the news.
41:48Alex, can we have the options again, please?
41:50Yes.
41:50So, what was Brian?
41:52Did he break a world record
41:53driving at 123 miles an hour in his shed?
41:57Did he break a world record
41:58for staying in his shed
41:59for 16 months and 12 days without leaving?
42:01Or did he break hearts by marrying his shed?
42:04So, Frank.
42:04Stevie's gone driving.
42:06Frank's gone staying in the shed.
42:08Okay.
42:10Brian, please reveal the correct answer.
42:13I've been driving in my car.
42:15I've been driving in my car.
42:15I've been driving in my car.
42:17Woo-hoo!
42:19Greatest reveal in history.
42:35What's really annoying is I saw that park outside and said...
42:39What else could it have been?
42:49Um, so Brian, you all right in there, mate?
42:52I was driving in my car.
42:53Yeah, good.
42:54Brian, just a quick question.
42:55How did it...
42:56Well, how did it come about?
42:58Yeah, no, um...
43:00Yeah, I was a great fan of record breakers as a child.
43:04Um, Roy Castle playing his, um, trumpet, singing, um, dedications of what you need.
43:10Yeah.
43:11And, and, hang on, so what makes this a shed and not a car?
43:14He identifies as a shed.
43:16And, and so what, what, what was the previous world record and why did you do this?
43:30Um, the previous record was 106.
43:33Yeah.
43:33And, um, that's what my grandchildren ask as well.
43:37Grandad, why are you bolting a shed onto a car?
43:40Well, the simple answer is to get away from the big bad wolf.
43:44Oh, yes.
43:45So you've now turned this into a, uh, a kid's book that is raising money for a charity called Reach.
43:52Reach, that's right.
43:52Children's charity.
43:53I'm an ambassador of Reach.
43:54That Alex is an ambassador for.
43:55So it's...
43:56Coincidence.
43:56Yeah.
43:57I mean, you've done 123 miles an hour, but you've also come full circle.
44:00I never thought I'd say this to someone in public, but can you, uh, thank you for being on the show.
44:05Can you please reverse your shed out of here?
44:10Come on.
44:11You know what?
44:12You've got them full things, bro.
44:16Josh has been saying bosh for the last seven days.
44:26Have you got a clip for us?
44:27I have been saying bosh.
44:27Yeah.
44:27Would you like to see an inopportune clip of a bird having its life saved for 2.6 seconds?
44:33Yes, please.
44:35Okay.
44:36Just nature in action, this.
44:39Just nature.
44:41Oh, no.
44:41Who's that coming up?
44:42Uh-oh.
44:43Oh, no.
44:43Don't.
44:44I don't know if this is the best...
44:45Oh, no!
44:46Oh, no!
44:48Oh, no!
44:49Oh.
44:51All right.
44:52It's like that, isn't it?
44:52Yeah.
44:53We are about to take that into a bit of para-sumo live in the studio.
44:56The bleepest trip I've ever seen.
44:58Bill Odie making an Ofcom complaint.
45:00I can't do it!
45:00Before we do that, though, would you please thank our guests for tonight?
45:03Stevie Martin!
45:08Frank Skinner!
45:11And Big John Fisher!
45:16And my co-hosts, Josh Winnickam and Alex Brooker!
45:22We'll be back next week with comedians Catherine Bohart, Laura Smith and Richard Ayoade.
45:26But right now, let's get ready to sumo!
45:34And he weighs 160 kilograms.
45:38And he runs a sumo-themed karaoke bar.
45:42It was a toss-of-a-kind sumo or dance.
45:48Alex, please step into the ring.
45:50So they bow now, the ritual, and Alex steps into the ring to take on George.
45:55Alex, you have to, both, you don't, the bout starts when both fists are on the ground.
45:59Are you taking a fucking pick?
46:03Okay.
46:03Will you take, will you take one knuckle?
46:06Yeah, good.
46:07Because I'm going to fuck you up, all right?
46:09Okay.
46:10Go on, Alex!
46:10Three, two, one, sumo!
46:15And the bout begins.
46:17Super break!
46:18Go on, Alex!
46:19Alex's showing tremendous speed.
46:21He's calling for help.
46:22He's calling for help.
46:23He's calling for help.
46:25And now Josh has gone in as well.
46:29And now all three of them.
46:31He's calling for George.
46:33He's calling for George.
46:34George has won.
46:37Big hand for George Zilkin, tonight's champion.
46:43Tremendous work.
46:46Thanks for watching The Last Leg.
46:47I'm Adam Hildes.
46:48See you next week for The Next Leg.
46:50In you go.
46:51Great job.
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