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Beauty and the Beast X Parody (1988) [Full Movie] [Must See]Full EP - Full
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Short filmTranscript
00:08Hello children, and now it's time for our story.
00:30I forget what I had to say, all I know is that you're the one for me.
00:41Oh, why do they say we were never meant to be?
00:49Oh, all I know is we have something no one else can see.
01:00Oh, in my eyes you're beautiful to me.
01:10Kisses are forever, and you never cry.
01:16And if you can't be next to me, I know you'll always try.
01:23Never mind the heartache, forget about the pain.
01:30And always...
01:32Once upon a time, there was a poor village, and in this village was a poor cottage.
01:38And in the cottage lived a very poor man, Lyle Notapenny.
01:43I'm not poor, I'm just...
01:45I'm between pictures.
01:47Yeah, right.
01:50Lyle Notapenny was a peddler, who often traveled to different realms to sell his wares.
01:56Alas and alack, his wife had died some years before, leaving two daughters to care for him.
02:03Alas and alack, his wife had died some years before, leaving two daughters to care for him.
02:04Excuse me.
02:05Yes?
02:07Uh, don't you think maybe the folks could just follow along on their own from here on out?
02:11They could probably figure things out, okay?
02:13Very well.
02:15She drives me crazy.
02:21Eliza, sweetheart, dear.
02:25Eliza, well, well, daughter.
02:30Beauty, excuse me.
02:32I just, I was going to just come and see you now.
02:34You know, I'm getting ready to go on my long journey and, like, say goodbye.
02:38I shall miss you, my father.
02:41Oh.
02:43Well, you know, how much I love you and I'd really like to get you, uh, you know, a special
02:48gift of some kind and bring it back from the trip and, you know, things for a little bit.
02:52Yeah, yeah, yeah, between pictures, I know.
02:54But you have already given me the greatest gift a father could give a daughter.
02:59To be raised in a wonderful, wholesome, clean home.
03:05Oh, well, I just, I, but I'd like to give you whatever you desire, you know, anything.
03:11I mean, I might do well.
03:12I could sell a good gross of leeches or a lot of, uh, I Survived the Plague t-shirts, you
03:18know, if it's possible.
03:19Well, I would like a rose.
03:24A beautiful rose.
03:26A rose?
03:28That would make me very happy.
03:30It's a rose.
03:31Oh, well, I'll see what I can do.
03:34I'll, I'll really try.
03:36Um, well, okay.
03:41Now, you beware of the lepers.
03:44Don't you let in any more trolls like you did last time, okay?
03:48That's fine, brother.
03:49Okay, fine.
03:50Brother, you have a nice journey.
03:51Yes, dearest.
03:53There you go.
03:55Yep.
03:56You can shove that in there later, sir.
03:58Yes.
03:59I sure have it.
04:00There's my hat.
04:01It's not quite this.
04:03Thank you, dear.
04:06Goodbye.
04:07Bye, Dad.
04:08Yes.
04:09Excuse me.
04:11Excuse me.
04:31Lyle, not a penny, started to make his way home.
04:34He had done quite poorly in his peddling, and to top it all off, a very clever con man had
04:41taken his last penny, he had sold him some beans.
04:45He had heard about a man, Jack, who climbed a beanstalk and made a fortune, but stupid Lyle
04:52didn't realize it was just a fairy tale.
05:02Finally, just when his tired feet could carry him no more, he came upon a beautiful castle.
05:26I wonder if the friendly baron dwells therein that might take a poor traveler who's had a
05:34long and weary voyage here.
05:38I'll check therein and see.
05:44Such are the wages of chivalry.
05:47You're a knight in shitty armor.
05:56As Shakespeare will say in about two hundred years, me thinks you'll protest too much.
06:01Why do you resist me so?
06:03After all, we're the same, you and I.
06:06Poor and passionate.
06:08I'll do better than you.
06:10You just wait and see.
06:12One day my love will come here and take me away from all this.
06:15But not before kicking your ass.
06:17We've worked here in close quarters for three years, and you still prefer some phantom prince
06:22to me.
06:23After all, a cock in the hand is worth two in the bush.
06:27That's a bird, you lowlife.
06:29Everyone has their pet name for it.
06:33You know what you are?
06:34You're a knave and a scoundrel.
06:38You know my goal is to leave this dump, and to marry someone like our master, a handsome
06:43prince.
06:45But he isn't handsome.
06:47He's beastly.
06:49No, but deep inside he's beautiful.
06:53You'll say.
06:54Get back to work.
06:55I don't pay you six pence a week to rut like weasels on my floor.
06:59Yes, my lord.
07:00Yes, my lord.
07:01Yes, my lord.
07:03Go.
07:27Yes, my lord.
07:50my good woman uh i'm a weary traveler who would see if he could have a stay here get some
07:57lodging
07:57for after his long trip well i don't see why not but he said to me master who's at the
08:02door deborah
08:04he's a weary traveler of great body and charm who wishes lodging for the evening you play games
08:14uh well a little i'm not very good at it great enter my good man
08:25i must warn you uh um oh the floor's slippery i i i there's danger here no
08:32uh i'm gonna have to work for my supper it's uh i'll chop some wood no i i said uh
08:41expecting to get
08:42your name oh i'm lyle not again now i must warn you master is very sensitive and he has a
08:52short
08:52fuse he mustn't gasp for sure he's a little devotion when you first see his face
08:58why would i be so rude my goodness i mean i'm not an old for shield mannered peasants
09:04hello i'm lord beastington and you are i'm like holy shit this is my mother
09:10mr lau holy shit jesus christ mother of god interesting name religious yet uh decadent
09:22problem um um too big too big oh really you know i studied a little bit of dentistry in my
09:31youth
09:32yes uh here let me see let me see huh yeah not bad not bad could use a little cleaning
09:42and
09:43maybe some braces on those lower incisors you know most people think braces are for children
09:51but i've worn them up until just recently they've done wonders for my smile
10:02beautiful well if i could be off to bed i'm getting a little tired
10:07yes uh i've got the crack of dawn so i'm probably gonna be seeing you again what's the rush
10:11uh what's the rush we could have something we could have something something to eat and maybe
10:22perhaps you could join me in a game or two well i don't want to turn down your hospitality
10:39uh sir what again did you say this game was called uh oh this game was invented by a friend
10:46of mine lord parker and his brother it's called monopoly
10:55q-u-a-s-t-l-e castle that's 30 points for me castle
11:01uh sir or sire sire is that not uh castle just
11:10it's kind of like castle to me but no it's castle q-u-a-s-t-l-e castle
11:18isn't castle like uh c c castle what's the matter you can't you see castle q-u-a-s-t
11:24-l-e castle
11:25what's the matter you can't see no no i i i i what's wrong with you are you doubting my
11:30intelligence ah no i'm not no sir of course not sire sir sire uh looks good to me good 30
11:38points got 40 points for you 30 points it's enough just what i get use your turn yes sir sire
11:52s-h-e-r-w-o-o-d sherwood sherwood forrest just like sherwood forrest uh thank you well i
12:01went
12:01again uh but that's that's i don't think that's that's not a proper noun it's not something it's
12:10uh it's a proper noun it's proper sherwood forrest is proper what's the matter with you
12:14no no it's a word yes it's a good word too it's a word but the capital letters for forrest
12:20got sherwood forrest the capitals just look capitals g capital g there's a capital m here
12:28right is that a capital that's that's a capital capital m right capital to me what's the matter
12:32with you yeah but far be it for me to but something is not quite i don't understand you
12:40you're always complaining about when i make a word you shouldn't do that yes sherwood forrest
12:45is a word what's the matter just like a word i win come on did i tell you that i
12:51have a new set
12:52thumbscrews oh looks good to me yes i win again you win again that's right stupid me another mistake
13:03well it's getting late i'm gonna have to give it up we're bad here come on we can play another
13:09game
13:10it was over so fast oh that's no you're you're just too good i'm just i'm losing everything
13:15stupid me make all these mistakes but you're improving look you got wife here yeah i got wife
13:23uh well i i think i should just leave it at that you know and take off to bed uh
13:27i'm not so good
13:28i should have warned you before i'm not really good at games and you're really good boy i'll tell
13:33you you're the best i've ever run across all right mr jesus christ mother i'll join you for
13:41breakfast at dawn on the very early rises oh good lord beastington tomorrow
14:04that guy is ugly oh how the hell am i ever going to get to sleep
14:12hades hades hades hades
14:16oh up walking all day long trying to sell leeches doesn't do a bit of good nobody wants leeches in
14:21this day and time oh i gotta think of something beautiful i don't want to have nightmares all night
14:29long nightmares i hate nightmares i think of being shish kebab by unicorns
14:34oh gremlins i know
14:41i'll think of my daughter beauty no this time of night i better not think of beauty it's
14:49i know i'll think of the queen
14:55she's a little high there maybe i know i'll think of that whore at wimbledon after the tennis
15:04i was happy to be leaving that ugly baron's domain
15:08goodbye lord beast and these things are
15:11thanks a lot
15:14uh you won't regret taking those leeches off my hand they're good steel
15:26as lion was about to leave the grounds of beastland he passed a rose bush filled with beautiful pink roses
15:34remembering the request of his daughter beauty he plucked one of the roses
15:45hey
15:49who gave you permission to pick that rose
15:51well i just thought it was you know
15:53i give you room and board
15:54i may fuck your brains out
15:56and you steal a rose from me
15:58i should put you in my dungeon
16:00give you a good thrashing
16:01well i meant no harm it's just that my beautiful
16:04beautyist daughter beauty asked that i bring her
16:06a rose a little nice little rose
16:08uh and i can't
16:10give my daughter the finer things
16:12in life
16:12very well very well i'll not thrash you
16:17you're a beautiful human being you know
16:19unconditioned
16:22visit my home for a few days
16:25oh well beauty is
16:27fine and delicate i'm afraid that she would be maybe
16:30a little afraid you understand
16:38did i mention to you that i have snakes in my dungeon
16:43uh beauty be right over take the first ox cart down i'll send it right over
16:46all right good
16:47and if you don't make good on your promise
16:49i'll find you
16:52yes sir
16:53sire
16:54have a nice day
17:04dodgers i've returned
17:06oh father
17:08father i have missed you so
17:10beauty
17:12look what i have brought you
17:14oh it's so beautiful
17:17smell it
17:20where is eliza
17:22well where else
17:34sit down beauty
17:44can we talk
17:45of course
17:47you know that
17:48that really beautiful rose that i brought back for you
17:51yeah
17:52yeah
17:52well
17:54it wasn't exactly free
17:56you see i got a little bit tired on the trip
17:58and i took this break and stayed at this mansion
18:00lyle explained everything
18:02well almost everything
18:04at the house
18:05the hideous lord beastland
18:07and so forth
18:09but since you know all that
18:11we thought you might want to know what's going on in eliza's room
18:16and so would i
18:19but it's only going to be a couple of days
18:22couple of days
18:23oh it sounds awful
18:26it sounds terrible
18:27papa please don't make me do it
18:30father
18:31did you bring me any gifts
18:35i'm afraid
18:36your daughter
18:37i didn't
18:39my trip wasn't too bound to fall
18:40it was
18:41you wiener
18:44what's the matter with little miss muffet
18:46it's terrible
18:48a wealthy baron insists that i
18:50come and spend a few days at his house
18:52because father picked one of his roses
18:54for me
18:56rich baron
18:58what are we waiting for
19:00uh well i'm afraid he only requested beauty
19:03do you know the psychological damage that you do to me when you favor her all the time
19:08you don't understand this
19:10this baron is extremely ugly hideous guy
19:13hey he's rich
19:15i mean how bad can he be
19:16hmm q-u-a-s-p-l-e castle
19:20i don't understand he said closet
19:21what do you get closet from
19:23it's a little castle
19:23it's a strange one
19:25nice one
19:27it's a great person
19:28an awkward time
19:35Jesus h christ
19:37son of a bitch
19:39art you have a different name from your father
19:42perhaps you'd like to freshen up
19:44before
19:45before
19:47before
19:50dinner
19:51dinner
19:52i'll take you to your room
19:54the beast was immediately charmed by the virginal beauty
19:58eliza of course was quite jealous
20:03my dear
20:09tell me
20:10do you know anything about monopoly
20:15come
20:15i'll show you
20:21it's very easy
20:23it's a game with words
20:24see
20:26spell words
20:28what's a quassel
20:30what do you mean quassel
20:31it's castle
20:32q-u-a-s-t-l-e
20:33castle
20:33it's not
20:35you're just like your father
20:39meat
20:40my favorite
20:41it's not
20:43it's not
20:45it's not
20:57it's not
21:01it's not
21:17Ah!
21:22Finished?
21:23Yes.
21:24Yes.
21:25Dessert?
21:26No.
21:27No thanks.
21:28No for me.
21:29Are you sure?
21:30Oh yeah.
21:31No, no, no.
21:32I can't eat sweets.
21:34No.
21:34What?
21:35No.
21:36Be gone, be gone.
21:40Ah, Beauty.
21:44Why don't we have some brandy and some more Monopoly?
21:51As you please, sire.
21:53You know, I'd really like some brandy right about now.
21:57I was speaking only to Beauty.
22:00You may retire for the evening.
22:07Ah.
22:08Beauty.
22:13Ah.
22:14It's often said that Beauty is only skin deep, but ugliness goes to the ground.
22:21Do you believe that?
22:23Certainly not.
22:25I have so much love and passion inside me, but my ugliness prevents anyone from seeing
22:31it.
22:33That's very sad.
22:35People don't realize that the beautiful diamond is embedded in the dark black coal.
22:40Yeah.
22:41Yeah.
22:42And the ugly caterpillar becomes the beautiful butterfly.
22:47And the gnarled sticks and twigs of winter make way for the roses of spring.
22:52And those sticky little wrinkled little babies become fully grown adult things and people
22:59birds.
23:02are you finished?
23:03No, quite.
23:04I agree with you.
23:05You agree with me.
23:07Oh, Beauty.
23:07Beauty.
23:09So many times in my life I've met women who have completely rebelled and won't even speak
23:13to me.
23:14It's you.
23:17You're different.
23:19Beauty, could you, could you find it in your heart too?
23:25Make love to me.
23:27Oh, no.
23:28Wait a minute.
23:28Oh, please, Beauty.
23:30Please.
23:30I would be so grateful.
23:33Listen, I'm nice and I'm empathetic and you know all that, but I'm sorry.
23:38I just, I can't.
23:40I'm sorry.
23:42I'm sorry.
23:43I'm sorry.
23:43I'm sorry.
23:44I was wrong.
23:44I asked.
23:46Let's enjoy the fire and the heat.
24:23Why does that bitch have all the luck?
24:26I mean, why can't I have a rich landowner?
24:31Would you settle for a rich landowner's son?
24:34Well, of course.
24:37Who are you?
24:38Just as I said.
24:40The master's my father.
24:43Fortunately, I got me mother's looks though.
24:46Lucky for you.
24:49You know, you really are quite attractive.
24:52Much more than your sister.
24:56Well, you sure not have to say the right things.
25:01Do you believe in love at first sight?
25:06Not only that.
25:11I believe in.
25:12You think he might not come?
25:15Constantly.
25:16Hmm.
25:17Why is it that we sit around waiting for some man to come along to take care of us?
25:26Men are such great treasures.
25:29No, they aren't.
25:31I mean, sure, we have Beastie downstairs.
25:33But most men, they're coarse, hairy, and rough.
25:42They're not smooth and silky.
25:46...
25:48Or calvacious.
25:49And sleek.
25:52...
25:54Or supple
25:56...
25:56And round.
25:59...
26:00...
26:00...
26:00...
26:02...
26:06I mean, man doesn't even...
26:09Farewell, Lord Beast and Tilly.
26:12You have been most gracious.
26:15Oh, precious beauty.
26:19Please, I will ask one more time, and I will not ask again.
26:25Just one brief moment of love-making.
26:28Please, and I will comfort and care for you for the rest of your life and give anything your heart
26:33deserves.
26:34Anything.
26:38Lord Beast and Tilly, you are so charming and brilliant and witty, but I'm sorry, I cannot.
26:48Oh, no! Oh, no! Why me?
26:54What's the matter with him? Did he find a zit on his nose this morning?
26:59No, he's offered to marry me and take care of me for the rest of my life and bestow great
27:05riches upon me.
27:06If only I would make love to him.
27:08And I refuse.
27:12Why you?
27:14Why you?
27:16There, there, Lord Beast and Tilly.
27:18There, there.
27:19I'll take love to you.
27:21That is, if the deal's still on, you know, about the...
27:26taking care of you.
27:27You got a paper bag?
27:33My daughter, did you return safely?
27:36Did anybody call for me while I was gone?
27:38Uh, yes.
27:39They're all waiting for you now.
27:41Little John, Friar Tuck, Robin, and Maid Marian?
27:45Well, Robin Hood and Friar Tuck called.
27:48They'll be a little bit late from Sherwood Forest, but, uh, little John and Maid Marian, they're...
27:56What is wrong, my dear?
28:02Is the beast's ugliness emblazoned on your brain the way it is on mine?
28:07Well, indeed, he's quite ugly on the outside.
28:11But on the inside, he's a man of great wit, sensitivity, romance.
28:18He used to love to build a fire, and we would sit by it, and he would talk.
28:23He must have done some incredible speaking.
28:25He did.
28:28Well, then why aren't thou melancholy, my dearest?
28:31I'm not sure.
28:34I turned him down when he wanted to make love to me.
28:37Jesus, I hate Christ!
28:40You're right to turn him down.
28:41You'd regret it the rest of your life if you did.
28:43But don't you see?
28:44I turned him down merely because he was physically ugly.
28:48I can dig it.
28:50But he wept so bitterly.
28:52You know, he's a man of great sensitivity.
28:55I hurt him.
28:56Now I feel so bad.
28:58My naive one.
29:00Men will beg, and they will plead, and they will cry for the charms of a beautiful woman.
29:06But I cared for him.
29:07I cared for what he was on the inside.
29:10Don't you see?
29:11He genuinely cared for me.
29:13It's true.
29:14Sometimes you have to dig a little more deeply for true beauty.
29:18Father, I must return to him.
29:21I just cannot be true to myself if I don't.
29:25I'm fine, but if you'd fall in love, and if you'd be a Mary, and would you consider adoption?
29:31Possibly.
29:33A kid.
29:36So Beauty returned as fast as she could to Beastland to fulfill her destiny.
29:46Lord Beastington!
29:49You, you're actually, you, Beauty, you've returned.
29:53Yes, I've returned my life.
29:55Oh, you have.
29:57But, why?
30:01You mean...
30:02Oh, Beauty.
30:06May I undress you?
30:10Oh, let me die.
30:18You know, I am an animal.
30:21Yes.
30:23Oh, my God, it worked.
30:25It worked.
30:27Beauty, I love you.
30:30You're so...
30:32You're incredibly handsome.
30:36Sure, compared to before.
30:38You see, years ago, a spell was put on me by a wicked witch.
30:43And it could only be removed
30:46if a beautiful
30:48and kind woman
30:51who really and truly cared for me
30:53made love to me.
30:56That's remarkable.
30:59I guess sometimes being a self-sacrificing, guilt-ridden ninny
31:05pays off.
31:07Absolutely.
31:10Beauty,
31:12will you marry me?
31:14Yes.
31:16Oh, yes.
31:23Well, here we are.
31:26This
31:26is my grade school.
31:30PS 48.
31:31Charm.
31:32And over here,
31:37this
31:38is my father.
31:42I see the resemblance.
31:45Over here,
31:48is my pen done.
31:53Here,
31:57my window.
31:59What a pain.
32:01Why didn't I ever think of fucking him?
32:04It was a beast.
32:19Oh, my good woman.
32:21Have you a room for a wealthy adventurer
32:24upon whom a witch has cast a horrible spell?
32:29Right this way.
32:30Ha-ha.
32:36Yes, yes.
32:38Oh, my very own feet.
32:41Wait.
32:42I can't get this mask off.
32:45Help me, please.
32:47Please,
32:48it's hot in here.
32:49Please.
32:51That's rough.
32:52I can't get that book.
32:54And there you have it,
32:55my children.
32:56Everyone came.
32:57Or at least,
32:58almost everyone.
32:59Cause in my eyes,
33:03you're beautiful to me.
33:08I can't get that book.
33:10I can't get that book.
33:14I can't get that book.
33:17I can't get that book.
33:21I can't get that book.
33:22I can't get that book.
33:23I can't get that book.
33:24I can't get that book.
33:24I can't get that book.
33:24I can't get that book.
33:25I can't get that book.
33:26I can't get that book.
33:26I can't get that book.
33:26I can't get that book.
33:26I can't get that book.
33:27I can't get that book.
33:28I can't get that book.
33:29I can't get that book.
33:30I can't get that book.
33:31I can't get that book.
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