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Beauty and the Beast X Parody (1988) [Full Movie] [Trending]Full EP - Full
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Short filmTranscript
00:08Hello children, and now it's time for our story.
00:30I forget what I had to say, all I know is that you're the one for me.
00:41Oh, why do they say we were never meant to be?
00:49Oh, all I know is we have something no one else can see.
01:00Oh, in my eyes you're beautiful to me.
01:10Kisses are forever, and you never cry.
01:16And if you can't be next to me, I know you'll always try.
01:23Never mind the heartache, forget about the pain.
01:30And always...
01:32Once upon a time, there was a poor village, and in this village was a poor cottage.
01:38And in the cottage lived a very poor man, Lyle Notapenny.
01:43I'm not poor, I'm just...
01:45I'm between pictures.
01:47Yeah, right.
01:50Lyle Notapenny was a peddler, who often traveled to different realms to sell his wares.
01:56Alas and alack, his wife had died some years before, leaving two daughters to care for him.
02:03Alas and alack, his wife had died some years before, leaving two daughters to care for him.
02:04Excuse me.
02:05Yes?
02:07Uh, don't you think maybe the folks could just follow along on their own from here on out?
02:11They could probably figure things out, okay?
02:13Very well.
02:15She drives me crazy.
02:21Eliza, sweetheart, dear.
02:25Eliza, well, well, daughter.
02:30Beauty, excuse me.
02:32I just, I was going to just come and see you now.
02:34You know, I'm getting ready to go on my long journey and, like, say goodbye.
02:38I shall miss you, my father.
02:41Oh.
02:43Well, you know, how much I love you and I'd really like to get you, uh, you know, a special
02:48gift of some kind and bring it back from the trip and, you know, things for a little bit.
02:52Yeah, yeah, yeah, between pictures, I know.
02:54But you have already given me the greatest gift a father could give a daughter.
02:59To be raised in a wonderful, wholesome, clean home.
03:05Oh, well, I just, I, but I'd like to give you whatever you desire, you know, anything.
03:11I mean, I might do well.
03:12I could sell a good gross of leeches or a lot of, uh, I Survived the Plague t-shirts, you
03:18know, if it's possible.
03:19Well, I would like a rose.
03:24A beautiful rose.
03:26A rose?
03:28That would make me very happy.
03:30It's a rose.
03:31Oh, well, I'll see what I can do.
03:34I'll, I'll really try.
03:36Um, well, okay.
03:41Now, you beware of the lepers.
03:44Don't you let in any more trolls like you did last time, okay?
03:48That's fine, brother.
03:49Okay, fine.
03:50Brother, you have a nice journey.
03:51Yes, dearest.
03:53There you go.
03:55Yep.
03:56You can shove that in there later, sir.
03:58Yes.
03:59I sure have it.
04:00There's my hat.
04:01It's not quite this.
04:03Thank you, dear.
04:06Goodbye.
04:07Bye, Dad.
04:08Yes.
04:09Excuse me.
04:11Excuse me.
04:31Lyle, not a penny, started to make his way home.
04:34He had done quite poorly in his peddling, and to top it all off, a very clever con man had
04:41taken his last penny, he had sold him some beans.
04:45He had heard about a man, Jack, who climbed a beanstalk and made a fortune, but stupid Lyle
04:52didn't realize it was just a fairy tale.
05:02Finally, just when his tired feet could carry him no more, he came upon a beautiful castle.
05:26I wonder if the friendly baron dwells therein that might take a poor traveler who's had a
05:34long and weary voyage here.
05:38I'll check therein and see.
05:44Such are the wages of chivalry.
05:47You're a knight in shitty armor.
05:56As Shakespeare will say in about two hundred years, me thinks you'll protest too much.
06:01Why do you resist me so?
06:03After all, we're the same, you and I.
06:06Poor and passionate.
06:08I'll do better than you.
06:10You just wait and see.
06:12One day my love will come here and take me away from all this.
06:15But not before kicking your ass.
06:17We've worked here in close quarters for three years, and you still prefer some phantom prince
06:22to me.
06:23After all, a cock in the hand is worth two in the bush.
06:27That's a bird, you lowlife.
06:29Everyone has their pet name for it.
06:33You know what you are?
06:34You're a knave and a scoundrel.
06:38You know my goal is to leave this dump, and to marry someone like our master, a handsome
06:43prince.
06:45But he isn't handsome.
06:47He's beastly.
06:49No, but deep inside he's beautiful.
06:53You'll say.
06:54Get back to work.
06:55I don't pay you six pence a week to rut like weasels on my floor.
06:59Yes, my lord.
07:00Yes, my lord.
07:01Yes, my lord.
07:03Go.
07:06Yes, my lord.
07:07Yes, my lord.
07:50My good woman.
07:52I'm a weary traveler who would see if he could stay here, get some lodging for his long trip.
07:59Well, I don't see why not, but it's up to me now.
08:02Who's at the door, Deborah?
08:04It's a weary traveler, of great body and charm.
08:08Who wishes lodging for the evening?
08:11Do you play games?
08:14Uh, well, a little. I'm not very good at it.
08:18Great. Enter my good man.
08:25I must warn you, uh...
08:28Oh, oh, the floor's slippery. There's danger here.
08:32No, uh, uh, uh, I'm gonna have to work for my supper.
08:36It's, uh, I'll chop some wood.
08:39No, I said, uh, expecting to get your name.
08:43Oh, I...
08:44Lyle, not again.
08:47Lyle, I must warn you.
08:50Master is very sensitive, and he has a short fuse.
08:54He mustn't gasp for she'll lose a lot of evulsion when we first see his face.
08:58Why would I be so rude?
09:00My goodness, I mean, I'm not an old for she'll-mannered peasant.
09:04Hello, I'm Lord Beastington, and you are...
09:07I'm, uh, holy shit, this is my mother.
09:10Mr. Lyle, holy shit, Jesus Christ, mother of God.
09:14Interesting name.
09:17Religious, yet, uh, decadent.
09:22Problem?
09:23Um, um, too big, too big.
09:27Oh, really?
09:28You know, I studied a little bit of dentistry in my youth.
09:31Hmm.
09:33Yes, uh, here, let me see, let me see.
09:36Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
09:39Not bad, not bad.
09:41Could use a little cleaning, and maybe some braces on those lower incisors.
09:47Oh.
09:48You know, most people think braces are for children, but I've worn them up until just recently.
09:54They've done wonders for my smile.
10:01Beautiful.
10:03Well, if I could be off the bed, I'm getting a little tired.
10:06Yes, uh, it would be up the crack of dawn, so I'm probably going to be seeing you again.
10:11What's the rush?
10:11Uh, what's the rush?
10:13We could have something to...
10:16We could have something to...
10:18Something to eat.
10:21And maybe, perhaps, you could join me in a game or two.
10:28Well, I don't want to turn down your hospitality.
10:40Sir, what again did you say this game was called?
10:43Oh, this game was invented by a friend of mine, Lord Parker and his brother.
10:48It's called Monopoly.
10:50Oh.
10:51Here we go.
10:55Q-U-A-S-T-L-E.
10:58Castle.
10:59That's 30 points for me.
11:01Castle.
11:04Sir, or sire, sire, is that not Quassle?
11:08Just kind of like Quassle to me, but...
11:13No, it's Castle.
11:14Q-U-A-S-T-L-E.
11:16Castle.
11:16Castle.
11:17Castle.
11:18Isn't Castle like, uh, see?
11:20See?
11:20Castle?
11:21What's the matter?
11:22Can't you see?
11:22Castle?
11:23Q-U-A-S-T-L-E.
11:24Castle.
11:25What's the matter?
11:25You can't see?
11:26No, no.
11:26I...
11:27I...
11:27What's wrong with you?
11:29Are you doubting my intelligence?
11:31Ah!
11:32No, I'm not.
11:33No, sir.
11:34Of course not, sire, sire.
11:35Sire.
11:36Uh, looks good to me.
11:37Good.
11:3830 points.
11:38Got 40 points for you.
11:39Eh, 30 points.
11:40It's enough.
11:41Just what I get.
11:42It's your turn.
11:43Yes, sir.
11:44Sire.
11:52S-H-E-R-W-O-O-D.
11:56Sherwood.
11:57Sherwood Forrest.
11:58Just like Sherwood Forrest.
12:00Uh, thank you, bro.
12:01I win again.
12:03Uh, but that's...
12:06That's...
12:06I don't think that's...
12:07That's not a proper noun.
12:09It's not.
12:11It's a proper noun.
12:12It's proper.
12:13Sherwood Forrest is proper.
12:14What's the matter with you?
12:14No, no.
12:15It's a word.
12:15Yes, it's a good word, too.
12:17It's a word.
12:17But the...
12:18The capital letters for Forrest.
12:20Capital letters.
12:21Sherwood.
12:21Capital letters.
12:23The capitals.
12:23Look, capitals.
12:24G, capital G.
12:27There's a capital M here, right?
12:28Is that a capital?
12:29That's a capital.
12:30Capital M, right?
12:31It's a capital to me.
12:32What's the matter with you?
12:34Yeah, far be it from me to...
12:35But that's...
12:37Something is...
12:37Not quite...
12:38I don't understand you.
12:40You're always complaining about when I make a word.
12:43You shouldn't do that.
12:44Yes.
12:44Sherwood Forrest is a word.
12:46What's the matter with you?
12:47Just like a word.
12:48I win.
12:48Come on.
12:49Did I tell you that I have a new set of thumbscrews?
12:53Oh!
12:55Looks good to me.
12:56Does it?
12:57Yes.
12:58I win again.
12:59You win again.
12:59That's right.
13:00What a stupid me.
13:02Another mistake.
13:04Well, it's getting late.
13:06I'm going to have to give it up.
13:07We're bad here.
13:08Come on.
13:09We can play another game.
13:10It was over so fast.
13:11Oh, that's...
13:12No, you're just too good.
13:14I'm just...
13:14I'm losing everything.
13:15It's stupid me.
13:16Make all these mistakes.
13:18But you're improving.
13:19Look, you got wife here.
13:21Yeah, I got wife.
13:23Well, I think I should just leave it at that, you know, and take off to bed.
13:27I'm not so good.
13:28But I sort of warned you before.
13:29I'm not really good at games.
13:31And you're really good, boy.
13:33I'll tell you.
13:33You're the best I've ever run across.
13:35All right.
13:37Mr. Holy Jesus Christ, Mother of God.
13:41I'll join you for breakfast at dawn.
13:43I'm very early rising.
13:44Oh, good.
13:46Lord Beast.
13:50Tomorrow?
13:51I'm just kidding.
13:55I sure wasn't worried, huh?
13:57It's crazy.
13:58Yeah, it's crazy.
14:03That guy is ugly.
14:07How the hell am I ever going to get to sleep?
14:11Hades, Hades, Hades.
14:15Oh, up walking all day long, trying to sell leeches.
14:19Doesn't do a bit of good.
14:20Nobody wants leeches in this day and time.
14:24Oh, I got to think of something beautiful.
14:27I don't want to have nightmares all night long.
14:29Nightmares, I hate nightmares.
14:32Think of being shish kebab by unicorns.
14:35Gremlins.
14:38I know.
14:41I'll think of my daughter, Beauty.
14:44Oh, it's time of night.
14:46I better not think of beauty.
14:48It's...
14:49I know.
14:51I'll think of the Queen.
14:55She's a little high there, maybe.
14:58I know.
15:00I'll think of that whore at Wimbledon.
15:03After the tennis.
15:04I was happy to be leaving that ugly baron's domain.
15:09Goodbye, Lord Beast.
15:10Beast England.
15:11Beast England.
15:12Thanks a lot.
15:14Uh, you won't regret taking those leeches off my hand.
15:17They're good steel.
15:26As Lyle was about to leave the grounds of Beastland,
15:29he passed a rosebush filled with beautiful pink roses.
15:34Remembering the request of his daughter, Beauty,
15:37he plucked one of the roses.
15:45Hey.
15:46Hey.
15:49Who gave you permission to pick that rose?
15:51Well, I just thought it was, you know...
15:53I give you room and board.
15:55My maid bucks your brains out.
15:56When you steal a rose from me,
15:59I should put you in my dungeon
16:00and give you a good thrashing.
16:02Well, I meant no harm.
16:02It's just that my beautiful,
16:04beauteous daughter, Beauty,
16:05asked that I bring her a rose,
16:07a little, nice little rose.
16:08Uh, and I can't give my daughter
16:10the finer things in life.
16:13Very well, very well.
16:14I'll not thrash you.
16:17You're a beautiful human being, you know?
16:19Unconditioned.
16:20That's a beautiful daughter, Beauty.
16:22Visit my home for a few days.
16:26Oh, well, Beauty is very fine and delicate.
16:28I'm afraid that she would be maybe a little afraid,
16:32you understand?
16:38Did I mention to you
16:39that I have snakes in my dungeon?
16:42Uh, Beauty, be right over.
16:44Take the first ox cart down.
16:45I'll send it right over.
16:46All right, good.
16:47And if you don't make good on your promise...
16:50I'll find you.
16:52Yes, sir.
16:53Sire.
16:54Yes.
16:57Have a nice day.
17:05Dodgers, I've returned.
17:07Oh, Father, Father,
17:08I have missed you so.
17:10Beauty.
17:11Ha, ha.
17:12Look what I have brought you.
17:14Oh, it's so beautiful.
17:17Smell it.
17:20Where is Eliza?
17:22Well, where else?
17:24Oh.
17:34Sit down, Beauty.
17:44Can we talk?
17:45Of course.
17:47You know that...
17:48that really beautiful rose
17:50that I brought back for you?
17:51Yes.
17:52Yeah, well...
17:54It wasn't exactly free.
17:56You see, I got a little bit tired on the trip
17:58and I took this break
17:59and stayed at this mansion.
18:00Lyle explained everything.
18:02Well, almost everything.
18:04About the house,
18:05the hideous Lord Beasland,
18:07and so forth.
18:09But since you know all that,
18:11we thought you might want to know
18:13what's going on in Eliza's room.
18:16And so would I.
18:19But it's only going to be
18:20a couple of days.
18:23Oh, it sounds awful.
18:26He sounds terrible.
18:27Papa, please don't make me do it.
18:30Father, did you bring me any gifts?
18:35I'm afraid, dear daughter,
18:37I didn't.
18:39My trip wasn't too bound to fall.
18:41It was...
18:41You wiener.
18:44What's the matter with little Miss Muffet?
18:47It's terrible.
18:48A wealthy baron insists that I
18:50come and spend a few days at his house
18:52because father picked one of his roses
18:54for me.
18:57A rich baron?
18:58What are we waiting for?
19:00Uh, well, I'm afraid he only
19:02requested beauty.
19:03Do you know the psychological damage
19:05that you do to me
19:06when you favor her all the time?
19:08You don't understand.
19:09This baron is an extremely
19:11ugly, hideous guy.
19:13Hey, he's rich.
19:15I mean, how bad can he be?
19:16Hmm, Q-U-A-S-P-L-E.
19:19Castle, I don't understand.
19:20He said closet.
19:22What do you get closet from?
19:23What do you get closet from?
19:24A strange one.
19:25Nice one.
19:27A great place in an awkward place.
19:29A great place.
19:36Jesus, thank Christ.
19:38Son of a bitch.
19:39Art, you have a different name
19:40from your father.
19:42Perhaps you'd like to freshen up
19:44before I...
19:46Before I...
19:49Before dinner.
19:51Dinner.
19:52I'll take you to your room.
19:54The beast was immediately charmed
19:56by the virginal beauty.
19:58Eliza, of course,
19:59was quite jealous.
20:03My dear.
20:09Tell me.
20:10Do you know anything about Monopoly?
20:15Come.
20:15I'll show you.
20:21It's very easy.
20:23It's a game with words.
20:25See?
20:26Spell words.
20:28What's a quassel?
20:30What do you mean, quassel?
20:31It's castle.
20:32Q-U-A-S-T-L-E.
20:33Castle.
20:33What's the matter to you?
20:35You're just like your father.
20:39Meat.
20:40My favorite.
20:43My favorite.
20:44jazz.
20:45kh diss.
21:03Do you know what?
21:04Do you know what?
21:29Oh yeah, no, no, I can't eat sweets.
21:33You're gone, you're gone.
21:40Ah, Beauty, why don't we have some brandy and some more Monopoly?
21:51As you please, sire.
21:53You know, I'd really like some brandy right about now.
21:57I was speaking only to Beauty.
22:00Beauty, you may retire for the evening.
22:07Ah, Beauty.
22:14It's often said that beauty is only skin deep, when ugliness goes to the ground.
22:20Do you believe that?
22:22Certainly not.
22:25I have so much love and passion inside me, but my ugliness prevents anyone from seeing it.
22:33That's very sad.
22:35People don't realize that the beautiful diamond is embedded in dark black coal.
22:40Yeah, yeah.
22:42And the ugly caterpillar becomes the beautiful butterfly.
22:47And the gnarled sticks and twigs of winter make way for the roses of spring.
22:52And those sticky little wrinkled little babies become fully grown adult things.
22:58And people, birds.
23:02Are you finished?
23:04No, quite.
23:04I agree with you.
23:05You agree with me.
23:07Oh, Beauty.
23:07Beauty.
23:09So many times in my life I've met women who have completely rebelled and won't even speak
23:13to me.
23:14It's you.
23:17You're different.
23:19Beauty, could you, could you find it in your heart too?
23:25Make love to me.
23:27Oh, no.
23:28Wait a minute.
23:29Oh, please, Beauty.
23:30Please.
23:30I would be so grateful.
23:33Listen, I'm, I'm nice and I'm, I'm empathetic and, and you know all that, but I'm sorry.
23:38I, I just, I can't.
23:40I'm sorry.
23:42I'm the one that should be sorry.
23:43I was wrong.
23:44I asked.
23:46Let's enjoy the fire and the heat.
24:23Why does that bitch have all the love?
24:26I mean, why can't I have a rich landowner?
24:31Would you settle for a rich landowner's son?
24:34Well, of course.
24:37Who are you?
24:39Just as I said, the master's my father.
24:43Fortunately, I got me mother's looks though.
24:46Lucky for you.
24:49You know, you really are quite attractive.
24:52Much more than your sister.
24:55Well, you shouldn't have to say the right things.
25:00Do you believe in love at first sight?
25:06Not only that.
25:11I believe in.
25:12You think he might not come?
25:15Constantly.
25:16Hmm.
25:17Why is it that we sit around waiting for some man to come along to take care of us?
25:26Men are such great treasures.
25:29No, they aren't.
25:31I mean, sure, we have Beastie downstairs.
25:33But most men, they're coarse, hairy, and rough.
25:42They're not smooth and silky.
25:46All clavacious.
25:48All clavacious.
25:50And slick.
25:54And slick.
25:55And supple.
25:57And round.
25:59And understanding.
26:03Giving.
26:06i mean man doesn't even farewell lord beast until you have been most gracious
26:15oh precious beauty
26:19please i will ask one more time and i will not ask again just one brief moment of love making
26:28please and i will comfort and care for you for the rest of your life and give anything your heart
26:33deserves anything lord beastinson you are so charming and and brilliant and and witty but
26:45i'm sorry i i i cannot oh no oh no why me
26:54what's the matter with him did he find his it on his nose this morning no he he's offered to
27:01marry me
27:02and take care of me for the rest of my life and bestow great riches upon me if only i
27:06would make
27:06love to him and i refuse
27:12why you
27:14why you um there there lord beastinly there there i'll take love to you uh that is if if the
27:23deal's still on
27:24you know about the taking care of you you got a paper bag
27:33my dodges you return safely uh
27:36did anybody call for me while i was gone uh yes they're all waiting for you now little john
27:42friar tuck robin and and maid marian well uh robin hood and friar tuck uh called there uh
27:48be a little bit late from uh surewood forest but uh little john and they were in there wow
27:59what is wrong my dear is the beast's ugliness emblazoned on your brain the way it is online
28:07well indeed he's quite ugly on the outside but on the inside he's a man of great wit sensitivity
28:18romance he used to love to build a fire and we would sit by it and he would talk
28:24like he would talk about it uh they would have done some incredible speaking you did
28:28well then why aren't thou melancholy my guest i'm not sure i turned him down when he wanted to
28:35make love to me jesus jesus christ you're right to turn him down you'd regret it the rest of your
28:42life if you did but don't you see i turned him down merely because he was physically ugly
28:48I can dig it.
28:50But he wept so bitterly.
28:52You know, he's a man of great sensitivity.
28:55I hurt him.
28:56Now I feel so bad.
28:58My naive one.
29:00Men will beg, and they will plead,
29:02and they will cry for the charms of a beautiful woman.
29:06But I cared for him.
29:07I cared for what he was on the inside.
29:10Don't you see?
29:11He genuinely cared for me.
29:13It's true.
29:14Sometimes you have to dig a little more deeply for true beauty.
29:18Father, I must return to him.
29:21I just cannot be true to myself if I don't.
29:25Fine, but if you'd fall in love, and if you'd be a Mary,
29:28would you consider adoption?
29:31Possibly.
29:34A kid.
29:36So Beauty returned as fast as she could to Beastland
29:39to fulfill her destiny.
29:46Lord Beastington.
29:49Oh, you, you're at.
29:50Oh, you, you, you, you've returned.
29:53Yes, I've returned my life.
29:55Oh, you have.
29:57But why?
30:03Oh, Beauty.
30:05Oh, may I undress you?
30:10Oh, let me die.
30:18You know, I am an animal.
30:21Yes.
30:23Oh, my God.
30:24It worked.
30:26It worked.
30:27Beauty.
30:28I love you.
30:30You're so...
30:32You're incredibly handsome.
30:36Sure, compared to before.
30:38You see, years ago, a spell was put on me by a wicked witch.
30:43And it could only be removed
30:46if a beautiful and kind woman
30:51who really and truly cared for me
30:53made love to me.
30:59I guess sometimes being a self-sacrificing, guilt-ridden ninny pays off.
31:07Absolutely.
31:10Beauty, will you marry me?
31:14Yes.
31:16Oh, yes.
31:18Hmm.
31:22Ah, well, here we are.
31:26This is my grade school.
31:30PS 48.
31:31Charming.
31:33And over here,
31:37this is my father.
31:42I see the resemblance.
31:45Over here.
31:48It's my pen done.
31:53Here.
31:57My window.
31:59What a pain.
32:01Why didn't I ever think of fucking him?
32:04It was a beast.
32:10Hmm.
32:19Oh, my good woman.
32:21Have you a room for a wealthy adventurer
32:24upon whom a witch has cast a horrible spell?
32:29Right this way.
32:30Ha-ha!
32:36Yes, yes.
32:38Oh, my very own beast.
32:42I can't get this mask off.
32:44Help me, please.
32:47Please, it's hot in here.
32:49Please.
32:51That's rough.
32:52I can't get that.
32:54And there you have it, my children.
32:56Everyone came.
32:57Or at least, almost everyone.
33:01Because in my eyes, you're beautiful to me.
33:06I mean, you're beautiful to me.
33:08I mean, you're beautiful to you.
33:10I'm beautiful to you.
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