- 6 hours ago
Beauty and the Beast X Parody (1988) [Full Movie] [Vertical Drama]Full EP - Full
Category
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Short filmTranscript
00:08Hello children, and now it's time for our story.
00:30I forget what I had to say, all I know is that you're the one for me.
00:41Oh, why do they say we were never meant to be?
00:49Oh, all I know is we have something no one else can see.
01:00Oh, in my eyes you're beautiful to me.
01:10Kisses are forever, and you never cry.
01:16And if you can't be next to me, I know you'll always try.
01:23Never mind the heartache, forget about the pain.
01:30And always...
01:32Once upon a time, there was a poor village, and in this village was a poor cottage.
01:38And in the cottage lived a very poor man, Lyle Notapenny.
01:43I'm not poor, I'm just...
01:45I'm between pictures.
01:47Yeah, right.
01:50Lyle Notapenny was a peddler, who often traveled to different realms to sell his wares.
01:56Alas and alack, his wife had died some years before, leaving two daughters to care for him.
02:03Alas and alack, his wife had died some years before, leaving two daughters to care for him.
02:04Excuse me.
02:05Yes?
02:07Uh, don't you think maybe the folks could just follow along on their own from here on out?
02:11They could probably figure things out, okay?
02:13Very well.
02:15She drives me crazy.
02:21Eliza, sweetheart, dear.
02:25Eliza, well, well, daughter.
02:30Beauty, excuse me.
02:32I just, I was going to just come and see you now.
02:34You know, I'm getting ready to go on my long journey and, like, say goodbye.
02:38I shall miss you, my father.
02:41Oh.
02:43Well, you know, how much I love you and I'd really like to get you, uh, you know, a special
02:48gift of some kind and bring it back from the trip and, you know, things for a little bit.
02:52Yeah, yeah, yeah, between pictures, I know.
02:54But you have already given me the greatest gift a father could give a daughter.
02:59To be raised in a wonderful, wholesome, clean home.
03:05Oh, well, I just, I, but I'd like to give you whatever you desire, you know, anything.
03:11I mean, I might do well.
03:12I could sell a good gross of leeches or a lot of, uh, I Survived the Plague t-shirts, you
03:18know, if it's possible.
03:19Well, I would like a rose.
03:24A beautiful rose.
03:26A rose?
03:28That would make me very happy.
03:30It's a rose.
03:31Oh, well, I'll see what I can do.
03:34I'll, I'll really try.
03:36Um, well, okay.
03:41Now, you beware of the lepers.
03:44Don't you let in any more trolls like you did last time, okay?
03:48That's fine, brother.
03:49Okay, fine.
03:50Brother, you have a nice journey.
03:51Yes, dearest.
03:53There you go.
03:55Yep.
03:56You can shove that in there later, sir.
03:58Yes.
03:59I sure have it.
04:00There's my hat.
04:01It's not quite this.
04:03Thank you, dear.
04:06Goodbye.
04:07Bye, Dad.
04:08Yes.
04:09Excuse me.
04:11Excuse me.
04:31Lyle, not a penny, started to make his way home.
04:34He had done quite poorly in his peddling, and to top it all off, a very clever con man had
04:41taken his last penny, he had sold him some beans.
04:45He had heard about a man, Jack, who climbed a beanstalk and made a fortune, but stupid Lyle
04:52didn't realize it was just a fairy tale.
05:02Finally, just when his tired feet could carry him no more, he came upon a beautiful castle.
05:26I wonder if the friendly baron dwells therein that might take a poor traveler who's had a
05:34long and weary voyage here.
05:38I'll check therein and see.
05:44Such are the wages of chivalry.
05:47You're a knight in shitty armor.
05:56As Shakespeare will say in about two hundred years, me thinks you'll protest too much.
06:01Why do you resist me so?
06:03After all, we're the same, you and I.
06:06Poor and passionate.
06:08I'll do better than you.
06:10You just wait and see.
06:12One day my love will come here and take me away from all this.
06:15But not before kicking your ass.
06:17We've worked here in close quarters for three years, and you still prefer some phantom prince
06:22to me.
06:23After all, a cock in the hand is worth two in the bush.
06:27That's a bird, you lowlife.
06:29Everyone has their pet name for it.
06:33You know what you are?
06:34You're a knave and a scoundrel.
06:38You know my goal is to leave this dump, and to marry someone like our master, a handsome
06:43prince.
06:45But he isn't handsome.
06:47He's beastly.
06:49No, but deep inside he's beautiful.
06:53You'll say.
06:54Get back to work.
06:55I don't pay you six pence a week to rut like weasels on my floor.
06:59Yes, my lord.
07:00Yes, my lord.
07:01Yes, my lord.
07:03Go.
07:27Yes, my lord.
07:50my good woman uh i'm a weary traveler who would see if he could have a stay here get some
07:57lodging
07:57for after his long trip well i don't see why not but it's up to me master who's at the
08:02door deborah
08:04it's a weary traveler of great body and charm who wishes lodging for the evening
08:11do you play games uh well a little i'm not very good at it great enter my good man
08:25i must warn you uh uh oh the floor's slippery i i i there's danger here no uh
08:32uh uh i'm gonna have to work for my my supper it's uh i'll chop some wood
08:38no no i i said uh expecting to get your name oh i'll not attend
08:47lyle i must warn you master is very sensitive and he has a short fuse he mustn't gasp for
08:55any sort of evulsion when you first see his face why would i be so rude my goodness i mean
09:01i'm not
09:01an official mannered peasants hello i'm lord beastington and you are i'm like holy
09:08mr lyle holy jesus christ mother of god interesting name religious yet uh decadent
09:28you know i studied a little bit of dentistry in my youth yes uh here let me see let me
09:35see
09:39not bad not bad could use a little cleaning and
09:43uh maybe some braces on those lower incisors uh-huh you know most people think braces are for
09:50children but i've worn them up until just recently they've done wonders for my smile
10:02beautiful well if i could be off to bed i'm getting a little tired
10:07yes uh i've got the crack of dawn so i'm probably gonna be seeing you again what's the rush
10:11uh what's the rush we could have something we could have something something to eat
10:21and maybe perhaps you could join me in a game or two well i don't want to turn down your
10:30hospitality
10:39uh sir uh what again did you say this game was called uh oh this game was invented by a
10:45friend of
10:46mine lord parker and his brother it's called monopoly
10:49oh here we go q-u-a-s-t-l-e castle that's 30 points for me castle
11:04sir sire sire sire is that not uh castle just
11:10it's kind of like castle to me but no it's castle q-u-a-s-t-l-e castle
11:18isn't castle like uh c c castle what's the matter you can't you see castle q-u-a-s-t
11:24-l-e castle
11:25what's right you can't see no no i i i i what's wrong with you are you doubting my intelligence
11:30ah no i'm not no sir of course not sire sir uh looks good to me good 30 points guys
11:3840 points
11:39for you 30 points it's enough just what i get use your turn yes sir sire
11:52s-h-e-r-w-o-o-d sherwood sherwood force just like your report uh thank you well i
12:01went again
12:04but that's that's i don't think that's that's not a proper noun it's not something
12:10it's it's a proper now it's proper sherwood force that's proper what's the matter with you
12:14no no it's a word yes it's a good word too it's a word but the the capital letters for
12:20forest
12:20i'm sure it's the capitals there's look capitals g capital g it's capital m here right is that a
12:28capital that's that's a capital capital m right capital to me what's the matter with you yeah but
12:34well far be it for me to but something is uh not quite is it i don't understand you you're
12:41always
12:41complaining about when i make a word you shouldn't do that yes sherwood force is a word what's the
12:46matter just like a word i win come on did i tell you that i have a new set of
12:52thumbscrews oh looks good
12:55to me yes i win again you win again that's right what a stupid me another mistake
13:04well it's getting late i'm gonna have to give it up we're bad here come on we can play another
13:09game we only it was over so fast oh that's no you're you're just too good i'm just i'm losing
13:15everything stupid me make all these mistakes but you're improving look you got wife here yeah i got
13:21wife uh well i i think i should just leave it at that you know and take off to bed
13:27i'm not so good
13:28i should have warned you before i'm not really good at games and you're really good boy i'll tell
13:33you you're the best i've ever run across all right mr jesus christ mother i'll join you for breakfast
13:42the door on a very early rises oh good lord beast
13:49tomorrow
13:54sure was the word huh it's crazy
14:02yeah that guy is ugly
14:07how the hell am i ever going to get to sleep oh
14:12hades hades hades
14:16up walking all day long trying to sell leeches doesn't do a bit of good nobody wants leeches in
14:21this day and time oh i get to think of something beautiful i don't want to have nightmares all night
14:29long nightmares i hate nightmares i think of being shish kebab by unicorns oh gremlins i know
14:41i'll think of my daughter beauty
14:45no this time of night i better not think of beauty it's i know i'll think of the queen
14:55she's a little high there maybe i know i'll think of that whore at wimbledon after the tennis
15:05i was happy to believe in that ugly baron's domain goodbye lord beast
15:10thanks a lot
15:14uh you won't regret taking those leeches off my hand they're good steel
15:26you won't regret taking those leeches off my hand
15:27as lion was about to leave the grounds of beastland he passed a rose bush filled with beautiful pink
15:32roses remembering the request of his daughter beauty he plucked one of the roses
15:45hey hey
15:49who gave you permission to pick that rose well i just thought it was it is you know i give
15:53you room
15:54and board my maid bucks your brains out and you steal a rose from me i should put you in
15:59my dungeon
16:00give you a good thrashing well i meant no harm it's just that my beautiful beautyist daughter beauty asked
16:05that i bring her a rose a little nice little rose uh and i can't give my daughter the finer
16:11things in
16:12life very well very well i'll not thrashing you're a beautiful human being you know unconditioned
16:22visit my home for a few days oh beauty is fine and delicate i'm afraid that she would be maybe
16:30a
16:30a little afraid you understand did i mention to you that i have snakes in my dungeon uh beauty be
16:44right over take the first ox cart down i'll send it right over all right good and if you don't
16:48make
16:48good on your promise
16:56have a nice day
17:04doodgers i've returned oh father father i have missed you so beauty
17:12look what i have brought you oh it's so beautiful smell it
17:20where is eliza well where else sit down beauty
17:44can we talk of course you know that that really beautiful rose that i brought back for you yeah
17:52yeah well it wasn't exactly free you see i got a little bit tired on the trip and i took
17:58this break
17:59and stayed at this mansion lyle explained everything well almost everything at the house
18:05the hideous lord beastland and so forth but since you know all that
18:11we thought you might want to know what's going on eliza's room
18:16and so would i but it's only going to be a couple of days
18:23oh it sounds awful he sounds terrible papa please don't make me do it
18:30did you bring me any gifts uh i'm afraid your daughter i didn't my trip wasn't too bound to fall
18:40uh it was uh you wiener what's the matter with little miss muffet it's terrible a wealthy baron
18:49insist that i come and spend a few days at his house because father picked one of his roses for
18:55me
18:57rich baron what are we waiting for uh well i'm afraid he only requested beauty do you know the
19:04psychological damage that you do to me when you favor her all the time you don't understand this
19:10this baron is extremely ugly hideous guy hey he's rich i mean how bad can he be
19:19a castle i don't understand it's a closet where do you get a closet from
19:36jesus h christ son of a bitch art you have a different name from your father
19:42perhaps she'd like to freshen up before before before dinner dinner i'll take you to your room the beast
19:54was immediately charmed by the virginal beauty eliza of course was quite jealous
20:03my dear
20:09tell me do you know anything about monopoly
20:15come i'll show you
20:21it's very easy it's a game with words see spell words
20:29what's a quassel what do you mean quassel it's castle q u a s t l e castle
20:34what's the matter to you you're just like your father
20:40meat my favorite
20:44ah
20:47uh
20:55uh
20:56uh
20:56uh
20:56uh
20:57uh
21:00uh
21:21Oh yeah!
21:23Yes!
21:25Dessert?
21:26No, no thanks for me.
21:28Are you sure?
21:30Oh yeah.
21:32No, no, no. I can't eat sweets.
21:34It's alright.
21:35Be gone, be gone.
21:40Ah, beauty.
21:44Why don't we have some brandy and...
21:48some more Monopoly?
21:51As you please, sire.
21:53You know, I'd really like some brandy right about now.
21:56I was speaking only to beauty.
22:00You may retire for the evening.
22:07Ah, beauty.
22:14It's often said that beauty is only skin deep, but ugliness goes to the bone.
22:21Do you believe that?
22:23Certainly not.
22:25I have so much love and passion inside me.
22:29But my ugliness prevents anyone from seeing it.
22:33That's very sad.
22:35People don't realize that the beautiful diamond is embedded in dark black coal.
22:41Yeah, yeah.
22:42And the ugly caterpillar becomes the beautiful butterfly.
22:47And the gnarled sticks and twigs of winter make way for the roses of spring.
22:52And those sticky little wrinkled little babies become fully grown adult things.
22:58And people, birds.
23:00It's...
23:02Are you finished?
23:04No, quite.
23:04I agree with you.
23:05You agree with me.
23:07Oh, beauty.
23:09So many times in my life I've met women who have completely rebelled and won't even speak to me.
23:15But you...
23:17You're different.
23:19Beauty, could you...
23:21Could you find it in your heart, too?
23:25Make love to me.
23:27Oh, no.
23:28Wait a minute.
23:28Oh, please, beauty.
23:30Please.
23:30I would be so grateful.
23:33Listen.
23:34I'm...
23:34I'm nice and I'm...
23:35I'm empathetic and...
23:36And you know all that, but...
23:37I'm sorry.
23:38I...
23:39I just...
23:40I can't.
23:40I'm sorry.
23:42I'm your one.
23:43I shouldn't be sorry.
23:43I was wrong to ask.
23:46Let's enjoy the fire.
23:48And the heat.
24:04I feel suffered as though.
24:04I can't have anything to say.
24:08Let's try to get theå°ę¹....
24:15Do you know?
24:16That's sofinal, of course, right?
24:16What's the night...
24:17What's the night?
24:23It was a burden, of course, right?
24:23Why does that bitch have all the luck? I mean why can't I have a rich landowner?
24:31Would you settle for a rich landowner's son? Of course. Who are you? Just as I
24:40said, the master's my father. Fortunately I got me mother's looks though. Lucky for
24:47you. You know, you really are quite attractive. Much more than your sister.
24:55Well, you shouldn't have said the right things. Do you believe in love at first
25:03sight? Not only that, I believe in... Do you think he might not come constantly?
25:17Hmm... Why is it that we sit around waiting for some man to come along to take
25:20care of us? Men are such great treasures. No they aren't. I mean sure, we have Beastie
25:32downstairs, but most men, they're coarse, hairy, and rough. They're not smooth and
25:43silky. Or curvaceous. And sleek. Or supple. And round. And understanding. Giving. I mean, man
26:08doesn't even... Farewell, Lord Beast in town. You have been most gracious.
26:15Oh, precious beauty. Please, I will ask one more time and I will not ask again. Just one brief
26:26moment of love making. Please, and I will comfort and care for you for the rest of your life and
26:32give anything your heart deserves. Anything. Lord Beastington, you are so charming and
26:41brilliant and witty, but I'm sorry. I cannot. Oh, no! Oh, no! Why me? What's the matter with him? Did
26:56he find a zit on his nose this morning? No. He's offered to marry me and...
27:02And take care of me for the rest of my life and bestow great riches upon me. If only I
27:06would make love to him. And I refuse.
27:12Why you? Why you? Oh, there, there, Lord Beast. There, there. I'll make love to you. That is, if the
27:23deal's still on, you know, about the taking care of you.
27:27You got a paper bag?
27:33My daughters, you returned safely. Oh.
27:36Did anybody call for me while I was gone?
27:38Uh, yes. They're all waiting for you now.
27:41Little John, Friar Tuck, Robin, and Maid Marian?
27:45Well, uh, Robin Hood and Friar Tuck, uh, called. They'll, uh, be a little bit late from, uh, Sherwood Forest,
27:50but, uh, little John and Maid Marian, they're, uh...
27:53Wow!
27:59What is wrong, my dear? Is the beast's ugliness emblazoned on your brain the way it is on mine?
28:07Well, indeed, he's quite ugly on the outside. But on the inside, he's a man of great wit, sensitivity, romance.
28:18He used to love to build a fire and we would sit by it. And he would talk.
28:23You must have done some incredible speaking.
28:25You did.
28:28Well, then, why aren't thou, uh, melancholy, my guest?
28:31I'm not sure. I turned him down when he wanted to make love to me.
28:37Jesus, I hate Christ! You're right to turn him down. You'd regret it the rest of your life if you
28:42did.
28:42But don't you see? I turned him down merely because he was physically ugly.
28:48I can dig it.
28:50But he wept so bitterly. You know, he's a man of great sensitivity. I hurt him. Now I feel so
28:58bad.
28:58My naive one. Men will beg, and they will plead, and they will cry for the charms of a beautiful
29:05woman.
29:05But I cared for him. I cared for what he was on the inside. Don't you see? He genuinely cared
29:12for me.
29:13It's true. Sometimes you have to dig a little more deeply for true beauty.
29:18Father, I must return to him. I just cannot be true to myself if I don't.
29:25Well, fine. But if you fall in love, and if you marry, and, uh, would you consider adoption? Possibly?
29:33A kid.
29:35So Beauty returned as fast as she could to Beastland to fulfill her destiny.
29:46Lord Beastington!
29:49You, you're out. You, Beauty, you've returned.
29:53Yes, I've returned my life.
29:55Oh, you have. But why?
29:59Why?
30:04Oh, Beauty.
30:05Oh, may I undress you?
30:10Oh.
30:12Let me do it.
30:18You know, I am an animal.
30:23Oh, my God. It worked. It worked.
30:26Beauty. I love you.
30:30You're so...
30:33You're incredibly handsome.
30:36Sure, compared to before.
30:38You see, years ago, a spell was put on me by a wicked witch.
30:43And it could only be removed
30:46if a beautiful and kind woman who really and truly cared for me made love to me.
30:56That's remarkable.
30:59I guess sometimes being a self-sacrificing, guilt-ridden ninny pays off.
31:06Absolutely.
31:10Beauty.
31:12Will you marry me?
31:14Yes.
31:16Oh, yes.
31:18Mmm.
31:23Ah, well. Here we are.
31:26This...
31:28is my grade school.
31:29PS 48.
31:31Charm.
31:32And over here...
31:38This...
31:39is my father.
31:42I see the resemblance.
31:46Over here...
31:47Over here...
31:48Is my pen done.
31:53Here...
31:57My window.
31:59What a pain.
32:01Why didn't I ever think of fucking him?
32:04It was a beast.
32:19Oh, my good woman.
32:21Have you a room for a wealthy adventurer, upon whom a witch has cast a horrible spell?
32:29Right this way.
32:36Yes, yes.
32:38Oh, my very own beast.
32:42Wait.
32:42I can't get this mask off.
32:45Help me, please.
32:47Please, it's hot in here.
32:49Please.
32:51That's rough.
32:52I can't get that.
32:54And there you have it, my children.
32:56Everyone came.
32:57Or at least, almost everyone.
32:59Cause in my eyes, you're beautiful to me.
33:07Cause in my eyes, you're beautiful to me.
33:29The last couple days later.
33:33I have no idea.
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