- 17 hours ago
Beauty and the Beast X Parody (1988) [Full Movie] [Full Episodes]Full EP - Full
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:08Hello children, and now it's time for our story.
00:30I forget what I had to say, all I know is that you're the one for me.
00:41Oh, why do they say we were never meant to be?
00:49Oh, all I know is we have something no one else can see.
01:00Oh, in my eyes you're beautiful to me.
01:10Kisses are forever, and you never cry.
01:16And if you can't be next to me, I know you'll always try.
01:23Never mind the heartache, forget about the pain.
01:30And always...
01:32Once upon a time, there was a poor village, and in this village was a poor cottage.
01:38And in the cottage lived a very poor man, Lyle Notapenny.
01:43I'm not poor, I'm just...
01:45I'm between pictures.
01:47Yeah, right.
01:50Lyle Notapenny was a peddler, who often traveled to different realms to sell his wares.
01:56Alas and alack, his wife had died some years before, leaving two daughters to care for him.
02:03Alas and alack, his wife had died some years before, leaving two daughters to care for him.
02:04Excuse me.
02:05Yes?
02:07Uh, don't you think maybe the folks could just follow along on their own from here on out?
02:11They could probably figure things out, okay?
02:13Very well.
02:15She drives me crazy.
02:21Eliza, sweetheart, dear.
02:25Eliza, well, well, daughter.
02:30Beauty, excuse me.
02:32I just, I was going to just come and see you now.
02:34You know, I'm getting ready to go on my long journey and, like, say goodbye.
02:38I shall miss you, my father.
02:41Oh.
02:43Well, you know, how much I love you and I'd really like to get you, uh, you know, a special
02:48gift of some kind and bring it back from the trip and, you know, things for a little bit.
02:52Yeah, yeah, yeah, between pictures, I know.
02:54But you have already given me the greatest gift a father could give a daughter.
02:59To be raised in a wonderful, wholesome, clean home.
03:05Oh, well, I just, I, but I'd like to give you whatever you desire, you know, anything.
03:11I mean, I might do well.
03:12I could sell a good gross of leeches or a lot of, uh, I Survived the Plague t-shirts, you
03:18know, if it's possible.
03:19Well, I would like a rose.
03:24A beautiful rose.
03:26A rose?
03:28That would make me very happy.
03:30It's a rose.
03:31Oh, well, I'll see what I can do.
03:34I'll, I'll really try.
03:36Um, well, okay.
03:41Now, you beware of the lepers.
03:44Don't you let in any more trolls like you did last time, okay?
03:48That's fine, brother.
03:49Okay, fine.
03:50Brother, you have a nice journey.
03:51Yes, dearest.
03:53There you go.
03:55Yep.
03:56You can shove that in there later, sir.
03:58Yes.
03:59I sure have it.
04:00There's my hat.
04:01It's not quite this.
04:03Thank you, dear.
04:06Goodbye.
04:07Bye, Dad.
04:08Yes.
04:09Excuse me.
04:11Excuse me.
04:31Lyle, not a penny, started to make his way home.
04:34He had done quite poorly in his peddling, and to top it all off, a very clever con man had
04:41taken his last penny, he had sold him some beans.
04:45He had heard about a man, Jack, who climbed a beanstalk and made a fortune, but stupid Lyle
04:52didn't realize it was just a fairy tale.
05:02Finally, just when his tired feet could carry him no more, he came upon a beautiful castle.
05:26I wonder if the friendly baron dwells therein that might take a poor traveler who's had a
05:34long and weary voyage here.
05:38I'll check therein and see.
05:44Such are the wages of chivalry.
05:47You're a knight in shitty armor.
05:56As Shakespeare will say in about two hundred years, me thinks you'll protest too much.
06:01Why do you resist me so?
06:03After all, we're the same, you and I.
06:06Poor and passionate.
06:08I'll do better than you.
06:10You just wait and see.
06:12One day my love will come here and take me away from all this.
06:15But not before kicking your ass.
06:17We've worked here in close quarters for three years, and you still prefer some phantom prince
06:22to me.
06:23After all, a cock in the hand is worth two in the bush.
06:27That's a bird, you lowlife.
06:29Everyone has their pet name for it.
06:33You know what you are?
06:34You're a knave and a scoundrel.
06:38You know my goal is to leave this dump, and to marry someone like our master, a handsome
06:43prince.
06:45But he isn't handsome.
06:47He's beastly.
06:49No, but deep inside he's beautiful.
06:53You'll say.
06:54Get back to work.
06:55I don't pay you six pence a week to rut like weasels on my floor.
06:59Yes, my lord.
07:00Yes, my lord.
07:01Yes, my lord.
07:03Go.
07:05Yes, my lord.
07:07Yes, my lord.
07:16Yes.
07:18Yes, my lord.
07:26Yes.
07:50My good woman, I'm a weary traveler who would see if he could stay here
07:56Get some lodging for after his long trip
07:58Well, I don't see why not, but it's up to me after
08:02Who's at the door, Deborah?
08:04It's a weary traveler, of great body and charm
08:08Who wishes lodging for the evening?
08:11Do you play games?
08:14Uh, well, a little, I'm not very good at it
08:18Great, enter my good man
08:25I must warn you, uh, uh
08:28Oh, oh, the floor's slippery, there's danger here
08:31No, uh, uh, uh, I'm gonna have to work for my supper
08:36It's, uh, I'll chop some wood
08:39No, I said, uh, expecting to get your name
08:42Oh, I'll not attend
08:47Lyle, I must warn you
08:49Master is very sensitive
08:51And he has a short fuse
08:53He mustn't gasp for some sort of evulsion
08:56When you first see his face
08:58Why would I be so rude?
09:00My goodness, I mean, I'm not an old-facial-mannered peasant
09:04Hello, I'm Lord Beastington
09:05And you are?
09:07I'm, uh,
09:07Holy shit, Jesus Christ, Mother of God
09:10Mr. Lyle, Holy shit, Jesus Christ, Mother of God
09:14Interesting name
09:17Religious, yet, uh, decadent
09:22Problem?
09:23Um, um, too big, too big
09:27Oh, really?
09:29You know, I studied a little bit of dentistry in my youth
09:32Yes, uh, here, let me see
09:35Let me see
09:35Yeah, uh, uh, uh, uh, nah, yeah
09:39Um, hmm, not bad, not bad
09:41Could use a little cleaning
09:42And maybe some braces on those lower incisors
09:47Uh-huh
09:48You know, most people think braces are for children
09:51But I've worn them up until just recently
09:54They've done wonders for my smile
10:01Beautiful
10:03Well, if I could be off to bed, I'm getting a little tired.
10:07Yes, I have to be at the crack of dawn, so I'm probably going to be seeing you again.
10:11What's the rush?
10:12What's the rush? We could have something to...
10:16We could have something to...
10:18Something to eat.
10:21And maybe perhaps you could join me in a game or two.
10:28Well, I don't want to turn down your hospitality.
10:31What the fuck?
10:37Uh...
10:39Sir?
10:40What game did you say this game was called?
10:43Oh, this game was invented by a friend of mine, Lord Parker and his brother.
10:48It's called Monopoly.
10:50Oh.
10:51Here we go.
10:55Q-U-A-S-T-L-E. Castle. That's 30 points for me.
11:01Castle.
11:02Uh...
11:03What's that?
11:04Sir?
11:04Sire?
11:05Sire?
11:05Is that not...
11:06Quassel?
11:08Just...
11:10It's kind of like Quassel to me, but...
11:12No, it's Castle.
11:14Q-U-A-S-T-L-E. Castle.
11:16Castle.
11:17Castle.
11:18Castle.
11:18Can Castle like...
11:19See?
11:20See?
11:20Castle.
11:21What's the matter?
11:22Can't you see?
11:22Castle.
11:23Q-U-A-S-T-L-E. Castle.
11:25What's the matter?
11:25You can't see?
11:26No, no.
11:26I...
11:27I...
11:30I...
11:31No.
11:33I'm not.
11:33No, sir.
11:34Of course not, sire.
11:35Sire.
11:36Looks good to me.
11:37Good.
11:3830 points.
11:38Guys, 40 points for you.
11:3930 points.
11:40Enough.
11:41Just what I get.
11:42Here's your turn.
11:44Yes, sir.
11:44Sire.
11:52S-H-E-R-W-O-O-D.
11:56Sherwood.
11:57Sherwood Forrest.
11:58Just like Sherwood Forrest.
12:00Uh...
12:01Well...
12:01I win again.
12:04Uh...
12:04But that's...
12:05That's...
12:06I don't think that's...
12:07That's not a proper noun.
12:09It's not...
12:11It's a proper noun.
12:12It's proper.
12:12Sherwood Forrest.
12:13That's proper.
12:14What's the matter with you?
12:15No, no.
12:15It's a word, yes.
12:15It's a good word, too.
12:17It's a word.
12:17But the...
12:18Capital letters.
12:19For Forrest.
12:20Capital letters.
12:23The capitals.
12:23Look.
12:24Capitals.
12:24G.
12:25Capital G.
12:27There's a capital M here, right?
12:28Is that a capital?
12:29That's a capital.
12:30Capital M, right?
12:31It looks like a capital to me.
12:32What's the matter with you?
12:33Yeah.
12:34Far be it from me to...
12:36But that's...
12:36Something is...
12:37Not quite...
12:39I don't understand you.
12:40You're always complaining about when I make a word.
12:43You shouldn't do that.
12:44Yes.
12:45Sherwood Forrest is a word.
12:46What's the matter with you?
12:47Just like a word.
12:48I win.
12:48Come on.
12:49Did I tell you that I have a new set of thumbscrews?
12:53Oh.
12:55Looks good to me.
12:57Yes.
12:58I win again.
12:59You win again.
13:00That's right.
13:01Stupid me.
13:02Another mistake.
13:04Well, it's getting late.
13:06I'm going to have to give it up.
13:07We're bad here.
13:08Come on.
13:09We can play another game.
13:10It was over so fast.
13:11Oh.
13:12That's...
13:12No.
13:12You're just too good.
13:14I'm losing everything.
13:15Stupid me.
13:16Make all these mistakes.
13:18But you're improving.
13:19Look.
13:20You got wife here.
13:21Yeah.
13:21I got wife.
13:23Well, I think I should just leave it at that, you know, and take off to bed.
13:27I'm not so good.
13:28I sort of warned you before.
13:29I'm not really good at games.
13:31And you're really good, boy.
13:33I'll tell you.
13:33You're the best I've ever run across.
13:35All right.
13:37Mr. Holy Jesus Christ, Mother of God.
13:41I'll join you for breakfast at dawn on the very early rises.
13:45Oh, good.
13:47Lord Beast.
13:48Hinton.
13:50Tomorrow?
13:54Sure would.
13:55Sure wouldn't work, huh?
13:57It's crazy.
13:58Yeah, it's crazy.
14:03That guy is ugly.
14:07How the hell am I ever going to get to sleep?
14:12Hades.
14:12Hades.
14:13Hades.
14:15Hades.
14:15Oh.
14:16Up walking all day long, trying to sell leeches.
14:19Doesn't do a bit of good.
14:20Nobody wants leeches in this day and time.
14:24Oh.
14:24Oh.
14:25Oh.
14:25I've got to think of something beautiful.
14:27I don't want to have nightmares all night long.
14:29Nightmares.
14:30I hate nightmares.
14:31Think of being shish kebab by unicorns.
14:34Oh.
14:35gremlins.
14:38I know.
14:41I'll think of my daughter beauty.
14:44I know.
14:46This time of night I better not think of beauty.
14:48It's...
14:48I know.
14:51I'll think of the queen.
14:55Sheer a little high there maybe.
14:58I know.
15:00I'll think of that whore at Wimbledon.
15:03After the tennis.
15:05I was happy to be leaving that ugly baron's domain.
15:09Goodbye Lord Beast.
15:10Beastingsman.
15:11Beastingsman.
15:12Thanks a lot.
15:13Thanks.
15:14Uh.
15:15You won't regret taking those leeches off my hands.
15:17They're good steel.
15:26As Lyle was about to leave the grounds of Beastland,
15:29he passed a rose bush filled with beautiful pink roses.
15:34Remembering the request of his daughter beauty,
15:37he plucked one of the roses.
15:45Hey.
15:46Hey.
15:49Who gave you permission to pick that rose?
15:51Well, I just thought it was, you know...
15:53I give you room and board.
15:55My maid bucks your brains out.
15:56Can you steal a rose from me?
15:59I should put you in my dungeon and give you a good thrashing.
16:02Well, I meant no harm.
16:02It's just that my beautiful, beauteous daughter beauty asked that I bring her a rose.
16:07A little, nice little rose.
16:08Uh.
16:09And I can't give my daughter the finer things in life.
16:13Very well, very well.
16:14No, I'll not thrash you.
16:17You're a beautiful human being, you know?
16:19Unconditioned.
16:20It's a beautiful daughter beauty.
16:22Visit my home for a few days.
16:26Oh, well, beauty is fine and delicate.
16:28I'm afraid that she would be maybe a little afraid, you understand?
16:32You understand?
16:34You understand?
16:35You understand?
16:37You understand?
16:38Did I mention to you that I have snakes in my dungeon?
16:42Uh, beauty be right over.
16:44Take the first ox cart down.
16:45I'll send it right over.
16:46Alright, good.
16:47Good.
16:47And a few don't make good on your promise.
16:50I'll find it.
16:52Yes, sir.
16:53I'm tired.
16:54Yes, sir.
16:57Have a nice day.
17:05Dodgers, I've returned.
17:06Oh, Father, Father, I have missed you so.
17:10Ah, beauty.
17:12Look what I have brought you.
17:14Oh, it's so beautiful.
17:17Smell it.
17:20Where is Eliza?
17:22Well, where else?
17:24Oh.
17:34Sit down, beauty.
17:44Can we talk?
17:45Of course.
17:47You know that, that really beautiful rose that I brought back for you?
17:51Yes.
17:52Yeah.
17:53Well, it wasn't exactly free.
17:56You see, I got a little bit tired on the trip and I took this break and stayed at this
18:00mansion.
18:00Lyle explained everything.
18:02Well, almost everything.
18:04About the house, the hideous Lord Beesland, and so forth.
18:09But since you know all that, we thought you might want to know what's going on in Eliza's room.
18:16And so would I.
18:19But it's only going to be a couple of days.
18:23A couple of days, sweetheart.
18:24Oh, it sounds awful.
18:26It sounds terrible.
18:27Papa, please don't make me do it.
18:30Father.
18:31Did you bring me any gifts?
18:33Uh.
18:35I'm afraid, dear daughter, I didn't.
18:39My trip wasn't too bound to fall.
18:40It was, uh.
18:41You wiener.
18:44What's the matter with little Miss Muffet?
18:47It's terrible.
18:48A wealthy baron insists that I come and spend a few days at his house because father picked one of
18:54his roses for me.
18:57A rich baron?
18:58What are we waiting for?
19:01Uh, well, I'm afraid he only requested beauty.
19:03Do you know the psychological damage that you do to me when you favor her all the time?
19:08You don't understand.
19:09This baron is an extremely ugly, hideous guy.
19:13Hey, he's rich.
19:15I mean, how bad can he be?
19:16Hmm.
19:18Q-U-A-S-P-L-E.
19:19A castle.
19:20I don't understand.
19:20He said, closet.
19:21What do you get closet from?
19:23A castle.
19:24A strange one.
19:25A nice one.
19:27A pretty large of an awkward castle.
19:35Jesus, thank Christ, son of a bitch!
19:39Art, you have a different name from your father.
19:41Perhaps she'd like to freshen up before...
19:46Before...
19:49Before...
19:49Dinner.
19:51Dinner.
19:52I'll take you to your room.
19:54The beast was immediately charmed by the virginal beauty.
19:58Eliza, of course, was quite jealous.
20:03My dear.
20:04Yeah?
20:09Tell me.
20:10Do you know anything about Monopoly?
20:14Come.
20:16I'll show you.
20:21It's very easy.
20:23It's a game with words.
20:25See?
20:26Spell words.
20:28What's a quassel?
20:30What do you mean quassel?
20:31It's castle.
20:32Q-U-A-S-T-L-E.
20:33Castle.
20:34What's the matter to you?
20:35You're just like your father.
20:39Meat.
20:41My favorite.
21:02Ahhhh!
21:04Ahhhh!
21:06Arrrgh!
21:07Arrrgh!
21:13Arrrgh!
21:19Ahhhhh!
21:21Finished?
21:23Yes.
21:24Yes!
21:25Dessert?
21:26Oh.
21:27No.
21:27No.
21:27thanks for knowing for me you sure oh yeah no no no i can't eat sweets you know you're gone
21:36be gone
21:41ah beauty
21:44why don't we have some brandy and some more monopoly as you please sire you know i really
21:55like some brandy right about now i was speaking only to beauty you may retire for the evening
22:08ah beauty
22:14it's often said beauty is only skin deep when ugliness goes to the ground
22:21do you believe that certainly not
22:25i have so much love and passion inside me but my ugliness prevents anyone from seeing it
22:33that's very sad people don't realize that the beautiful diamond is embedded in dark black coal
22:40yeah and and the ugly caterpillar becomes the beautiful butterfly
22:47and the gnarled sticks and twigs of winter make way for for the roses of spring and those sticky
22:53little little wrinkled little babies become fully grown adult things and people birds
23:02are you finished no quite i agree with you you agree with me oh beauty
23:09so many times in my life i've met women who have completely rebelled and won't even speak to me
23:14it's you
23:17you're different beauty could you
23:21could you find it in your heart too
23:25make love to me oh no wait a minute oh please beauty please i would be so grateful
23:33listen i'm i'm nice and i'm empathetic and and you know all that but i'm sorry i
23:38i just i can't i'm sorry i'm the one that shouldn't be sorry i was wrong i asked
23:46let's enjoy the fire
23:51so
24:02so
24:23Why does that bitch have all the luck?
24:26I mean, why can't I have a rich landowner?
24:31Would you settle for a rich landowner's son?
24:34Of course.
24:37Who are you?
24:39Just as I said, the master's my father.
24:43Fortunately, I got me mother's looks, though.
24:46Lucky for you.
24:49You know, you really are quite attractive, much more than your sister.
24:56Well, you sure not have to say the right things.
25:01Do you believe in love at first sight?
25:06Not only that, I believe in...
25:13Do you think he might not come?
25:15Constantly.
25:17Why is it that we sit around waiting for some man to come along to take care of us?
25:26Men are such great treasures.
25:28No, they aren't.
25:31I mean, sure, we have Beastie downstairs, but most men, they're coarse, hairy, and rough.
25:41They're not smooth and silky.
25:47Or curvaceous.
25:50And sleek.
25:54They're supple and round.
25:59And understanding.
26:03Giving.
26:06I mean, man doesn't even...
26:09Farewell, Lord Beast in town.
26:12You have been most gracious.
26:15Oh, precious beauty.
26:19Please, I will ask one more time, and I will not ask again.
26:25Just one brief moment of love-making.
26:28Please, and I will comfort and care for you for the rest of your life and give anything your heart
26:33deserves.
26:34Anything.
26:38Lord Beast in town, you are so charming and brilliant and witty, but I'm sorry, I cannot.
26:48Oh, no!
26:50Oh, no!
26:51Why me?
26:54What's the matter with him?
26:56Did he find a zit on his nose this morning?
26:58No.
26:59You know, he's offered to marry me and take care of me for the rest of my life and bestow
27:04great riches upon me.
27:05If only I would make love to him.
27:08And I refuse.
27:12Why you?
27:14Why you?
27:15Oh, there, there, Lord Beast in the way.
27:18There, there.
27:19I'll make love to you.
27:21That is, if the deal's still on, you know, about to take care of you.
27:27You got a paper bag?
27:32Oh, my daughters, you returned safely.
27:35Oh.
27:36Did anybody call for me while I was gone?
27:38Uh, yes.
27:39They're all waiting for you now.
27:41Little John, Friar Tuck, Robin, and Maid Marian?
27:45Well, Robin Hood and Friar Tuck called.
27:48They'll be a little bit late from Sherwood Forest, but little John and Maid Marian, they're waiting for you.
27:53Wow.
27:54Wow.
27:56Wow.
27:57Wow.
28:00What is wrong, my dear?
28:02Is the beast's ugliness emblazoned on your brain the way it is on mine?
28:06Well, indeed, he's quite ugly on the outside.
28:11But on the inside, he's a man of great wit, sensitivity, romance.
28:18He used to love to build a fire, and we would sit by it, and he would talk.
28:23You must have done some incredible speaking.
28:25You did.
28:28Well, then, why aren't they, uh, melancholy, my dearest?
28:31I'm not sure.
28:34I turned him down when he wanted to make love to me.
28:37Jesus, I hate Christ.
28:40You're right to turn him down.
28:41You'd regret it the rest of your life if you did.
28:43But don't you see?
28:44I turned him down merely because he was physically ugly.
28:48I can dig it.
28:50But he wept so bitterly.
28:52You know, he's a man of great sensitivity.
28:55I hurt him.
28:56Now I feel so bad.
28:58My naive one.
29:00Men will beg, and they will plead, and they will cry for the charms of a beautiful woman.
29:06But I cared for him.
29:07I cared for what he was on the inside.
29:10Don't you see?
29:11He genuinely cared for me.
29:13It's true.
29:14Sometimes you have to dig a little more deeply for true beauty.
29:18Father, I must return to him.
29:21I just cannot be true to myself if I don't.
29:25Well, fine.
29:26But if you'd fall in love, and if you'd be a Mary, and, uh, would you consider adoption?
29:31Possibly.
29:34A kid.
29:36So beauty returned as fast as she could to be slain to fulfill her destiny.
29:46Lord Beastington.
29:48Lord Beastington.
29:49You, you're actually.
29:51You, you, you've returned.
29:53Yes, I've returned my life.
29:54Oh, you have.
29:57But, why?
30:00You mean...
30:03Oh, beauty.
30:05Oh, may I undress you?
30:10Oh, let me do it.
30:18You know, I am an animal.
30:21Yes.
30:23Oh, my God.
30:24It worked.
30:26It worked.
30:27Beauty.
30:28I love you.
30:30Oh, you're so...
30:33You're incredibly handsome.
30:36Sure, compared to before.
30:38You see, years ago, a spell was put on me by a wicked witch.
30:43And it could only be removed
30:46if a beautiful
30:48and kind woman
30:51who really and truly cared for me
30:53made love to me.
30:55It's remarkable.
30:59I guess sometimes being a
31:01self-sacrificing, guilt-ridden ninny
31:05pays off.
31:07Absolutely.
31:10Beauty.
31:12Will you marry me?
31:14Yes.
31:16Oh, yes.
31:23Well, here we are.
31:26This
31:26is my grade school.
31:30PS 48.
31:31Charm.
31:32And over here
31:36this
31:38is my father.
31:42I see the resemblance.
31:45Over here.
31:48Here
31:48is my
31:49pants up.
31:53Here.
31:57My window.
31:59What a pain.
32:01Why didn't I ever think of
32:03fucking him?
32:05It was a beast.
32:09Hmm.
32:19Oh, my good woman.
32:21Have you a room
32:23for a wealthy adventurer
32:24upon whom a witch
32:26has cast a horrible spell?
32:29Right this way.
32:36Yes, yes.
32:38Yes, yes.
32:39Oh, my very own feet.
32:42Wait.
32:42I can't get this mask off.
32:45Help me, please.
32:46Please.
32:48It's hot in here.
32:49Please.
32:51That's rough.
32:52I can't get that.
32:53And there you have it,
32:55my children.
32:56Everyone came.
32:57Or at least
32:58almost everyone.
33:01Cause in my eyes
33:03you're beautiful
33:04to me.
Comments