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01:02Oh, wow.
01:05It's an own goal for Alan Carter.
01:08Oh, I knew it was that bloody sausage.
01:11It was so good, though.
01:15Oh, God.
01:17I knew the sausage machine would be my downfall.
01:20Then my eye looked over to Pat Noodle, and then I was just gone.
01:24OK, so that's seven of you on yellow cards.
01:28So, Sam, you don't have a yellow card.
01:29David, you don't have a yellow card.
01:31Unbelievably, Mel, you don't have a yellow card.
01:34Teetering.
01:36OK, I'm going back in.
01:37I'm restarting the game.
01:38OK.
01:39Doors.
01:41I mean, this is a very, very strong team.
01:46So, it's yellow cards for Alan and Romesh, and all it took was a sausage machine firing out raw meat
01:52at a lady called Pat Noodle.
01:53Simple, really.
01:55OK, let's restart the game.
02:01Well done.
02:02Well done, Alan.
02:03OK.
02:04I loved that game, and the shoe business was excellent.
02:08Thank you, thank you.
02:09We've all bitten down on a shoe when trying to curl one out.
02:13Yep.
02:29Anyone care for a freshened-up buffet?
02:31Thanks, this is an amazing spread.
02:33I even have just had a whole one out, a bit more.
02:36What is the calorific intake on this show?
02:38They've not stopped eating.
02:40It must be nice for them.
02:42There are allowed snacks in there, aren't they?
02:45I don't want any, anyway.
02:46I'm glad when you said to me there's no snacks, I said, I don't even want any.
02:49What are your favourite mates, Alan?
02:53Tongue.
02:54Tongue.
02:55Tongue.
02:55Who's tongue?
02:56Anyone's tongue.
02:57Tongue of cow.
02:59Human tongue.
03:00Human tongue.
03:00Is your favourite mate?
03:02You've got temptation in your mouth at all times.
03:05Bob.
03:05Oh, this is...
03:06The human tongue's got them.
03:08And we've got quite a big tongue, if you don't mind me saying.
03:10Yeah, yeah, it's quite girthy.
03:11I've got a long tongue.
03:12I've got a well-hung tongue.
03:14A well-hung tongue.
03:17Who's got the longest tongue here?
03:19Sam's got a long tongue.
03:21Sam, bless you.
03:21Can we see it?
03:26What the hell?
03:28What?
03:28What?
03:29Do that again, Sam.
03:31What just happened?
03:32What was going on there?
03:33Do that again, Sam, please, slower.
03:35Is that actually your tongue?
03:38Why are you cuffing at half the tongue?
03:40Well, I'm worried.
03:41Is it a trick?
03:42It can't be his tongue, though.
03:42It's a magic trick.
03:43That can't be his tongue.
03:44You can't have a tongue.
03:45Who has a spare tongue?
03:48If there's tongue talk, the tongue comes out.
03:53Drinks orders.
03:54Drinks orders.
03:55I'd have a glass of rosé or a...
03:57I'll have a rosé.
03:58Rosé?
03:58Anyone else for rosé?
03:59Yeah, I think I will.
04:01Three rosés.
04:01Rosé team?
04:03Can I get some scallops?
04:07If you're doing scallops, I'll have some of yours.
04:09Two scallops, yeah.
04:11Thanks, Mel.
04:12Rummers, did you want a something or other?
04:13Rummers?
04:14You wanted a glass of rosé?
04:15Yeah, I'll have a glass of rosé.
04:16So we get a bottle of rosé.
04:17I don't know how to do this, but I'll see what I can do.
04:22Mel.
04:23Oh, hello.
04:24I just wondered if we might be able to possibly have a bottle of rosé.
04:28Yeah, no problem at all.
04:30That's really kind, and a few glasses.
04:33She'll be all right.
04:34You're really kind.
04:35Thank you so much.
04:36No, I'm not, but yeah.
04:37Bye.
04:38Bye.
04:40So you can phone out.
04:42You can phone out.
04:44Thank you, and just this.
04:46My angelic page.
04:47Yeah.
04:47I could jump.
04:48Oh.
04:50Er, Mel.
04:52Mel.
04:52Mel.
04:53Mel.
04:54Mel.
04:56Absolutely shabba rank.
04:59Yes.
05:01Oh, what's happened here?
05:05What the hell?
05:08We have had a laugh, and no-one else was involved.
05:12They've done this to themselves.
05:14Doors.
05:15Nothing happened here.
05:17Oh, here we go.
05:17What?
05:19What?
05:19Can't be.
05:21We have had a laugh.
05:23What?
05:24And this was, I mean, you talk about own goals.
05:27This is just someone taking themselves out for no good reason.
05:31Let's have a look.
05:37Mel.
05:38Er, Mel.
05:39Mel.
05:40Mel.
05:41Mel.
05:43Mel.
05:44Mel.
05:44Mel.
05:45Elvis Presley! What the hell were you thinking?
05:48Mel, Mel, Mel! You burped yourself out!
05:52The viewers at home will watch that and go,
05:54that audio, they've done something to that audio.
05:56That's genuinely the noise your body made.
05:59I'm really sorry, it's all the flumps and everything and the crisps.
06:04Don't blame the flumps.
06:06It's a yellow card.
06:07How basic is it to laugh at your own burp, rookie error?
06:14Some of you are going to be joining myself and Roisin very, very soon.
06:17I'll restart the game.
06:19So Mel's incredible burp brought her down.
06:21A yellow card for her and a suggestion.
06:24Maybe a bottle of Gaviscon?
06:29While you were away, someone came in and opened a bag of popcorn
06:32and then ate someone. I told them we weren't allowed it.
06:34So they've gone now.
06:37You've got to have more control over these people.
06:39We've ate on yellow cards this week.
06:42Let's restart the game.
06:46Oh, here we go.
06:47Here we go.
06:52One more strike.
06:53One more strike.
06:56Has anyone got a weird crush?
06:58Weird crush?
06:59Gordon Ramsay.
07:01When he starts shouting, I really like him.
07:03Yeah.
07:04I used to fancy the Jack of Clubs.
07:07You know, in the pack of cards.
07:11Good looking.
07:12It was good looking.
07:14If we're going there, Mufasa.
07:18Really?
07:18Mufasa is Saxa.
07:20Yeah.
07:20Officer Dibble.
07:22Hello.
07:23Dibble was hot.
07:24Officer Dibble?
07:25Officer Dibble from Topcat.
07:26Oh, man.
07:27How can you fancy the po-po?
07:31I've never heard or thought of Officer Dibble as the po-po.
07:37No, but technically, correct.
07:39Yeah.
07:40It's a cro...
07:42Oh, hello.
07:43Something is...
07:44Oh, yes.
07:45Something's going to happen.
07:47Judy Finnegan, guys.
07:48It's Judy Finnegan.
07:49Oh, imagine!
07:50That would be amazing.
07:53Hello, everyone.
07:54Now, David and Sam, you don't have yellow cards,
07:57so you're going to go head-to-head in a special challenge.
08:00I know comedians hate showing off, so this is going to be really tough for you.
08:04You have to take in turns to say something impressive about yourself,
08:08so this is a chance to boast about your greatest achievements.
08:12Please take your places at the table.
08:14The game starts and ends when the bell rings.
08:17Go, guys.
08:18Go, guys!
08:21OK.
08:24OK.
08:26Um...
08:27Put it there.
08:29Say something impressive about me.
08:31I have a good tenacity and I think I'm strong-willed.
08:35I have occasional attention to detail.
08:38Well, I have a girlfriend.
08:40I have a wife.
08:43My first kiss was actually on a castle in Guildford.
08:49I look forward to my first kiss.
08:56I have a lot of mates, a lot of great mates.
08:59I was a finalist in the Rotary Club public speaking competition in 1991 or 1992.
09:05I mean, this is at school, but I did very well in the cross-country.
09:08I appreciate cheese and am able to show it.
09:13Oh, dear.
09:17Um, I am good at swimming and I would actually even trouble the parsley.
09:23I won't tolerate stale biscuits.
09:29I won't tolerate bigotry.
09:32I will tolerate bigotry in order to influence people.
09:38Oh, I've got a printer.
09:40I've got, um, a laptop that can connect to my wife's printer.
09:45Oh, my wife's printer.
09:47The David Mitchell story.
09:53I, uh, have a very loud voice when I need to.
09:57Do you shout?
09:58I can shout very loudly.
10:01I challenge you to a small mini-challenge within this challenge, which is a shout.
10:04You'd like me to shout?
10:06We both get to shout the loudest.
10:09The challenge has got a spin-off.
10:11Who can shout for longest?
10:14You start there and we slowly step toward each other, shouting.
10:17Okay, ready?
10:18One, two, three.
10:24Right.
10:42Very strong.
10:43What is this house?
10:46Who, Diane Morgan?
10:49It felt like you needed that, David.
10:51I think it helped a bit.
10:52Although I think my voice may be different forever.
10:58That was one of my favourite parts so far.
11:00I enjoyed looking into your screaming face.
11:03I can't believe we didn't get anyone on that.
11:05Yeah, I mean, there's a reason those two don't have yellows.
11:07Lovely work.
11:08Great work, guys.
11:09Really good.
11:10Very good.
11:10I think the world would be surprised that it was David who had the loudest scream.
11:15You wouldn't have put much money on that.
11:17He's an animal.
11:19We didn't know.
11:24When I went to Mexico, I got Montezuma's Revenge.
11:29I had...
11:30I OD'd on Imodium and basically had to have a C-section to do a shit.
11:37That's...
11:39That's full on.
11:40Yeah.
11:41That's bad.
11:42That's really bad.
11:43Yeah.
11:43Did you have a book in a date and stuff?
11:45Yeah.
11:46Yeah.
11:46And a gender reveal.
11:50Let's see.
11:51Yeah.
11:55Did they show it to you?
11:57Did you keep it?
12:01Were you proud?
12:04Was it like people say, don't they, about birth?
12:07They say...
12:07It's just emotional for me.
12:09It's emotional because that's actually my child.
12:12Oh, Alan.
12:13Alan.
12:14Alan.
12:15Oh, it's good.
12:16It's good.
12:18Just diary.
12:21He's got problems, hasn't he?
12:22He's weakening.
12:23No.
12:24No, you're just...
12:25It's just emotional for me because that's my child you're talking about.
12:28Yeah.
12:28Your poo child.
12:34You do a fair bit of acting, don't you?
12:37Mm.
12:37You do quite a lot of that.
12:38Mm.
12:40Um, I've got an audition.
12:42Oh, yeah.
12:43Next week.
12:43But I find them really scary.
12:45Do you?
12:45Yeah.
12:46Unnerving.
12:47I've got the...
12:48Do you want to run...
12:48Would you run through it with me?
12:50Yeah.
12:50Is that OK?
12:50Absolutely.
12:51A little look.
12:57You're Jack, if that's OK.
12:58Interior, quiet rural cafe.
13:00Jack, a handsome British man in mid-twenties, is working behind the counter.
13:04Enter Hannah, an American businesswoman in her early thirties.
13:07Hi.
13:08What can I get you?
13:09Oh, I'm still deciding.
13:11Hold on a second.
13:12That's really good.
13:13Is that good?
13:14Yeah.
13:14Her phone rings and she takes it out her bag.
13:17She takes a deep breath and answers calmly.
13:19Look, Steve, now ain't a good time.
13:22You know how important this case is to me, and I can't think about us right now.
13:28She pauses to hear Steve's reply.
13:30She nods understandingly.
13:34You might want to work on that nod a bit.
13:36The nod?
13:37Yeah.
13:39She puts her phone away and glances back at Jack, who has already prepared her coffee.
13:44Got you an Americano, because I think I detected an accent.
13:48Hannah rolls her eyes and laughs to herself.
13:54Not a laugh.
13:55I think that's risky business.
13:58I think you've got it in the bag.
13:59You reckon?
14:00Nothing to worry about.
14:01The only thing, I'd say that nod was a bit big.
14:03What would you go for?
14:07Yeah, that's it.
14:08Your accent's amazing.
14:10Cheers, Di.
14:13These are serious players.
14:15I think we need another joker.
14:18Hello.
14:19Here we go.
14:23Hello, last one laughing.
14:25Romesh, could you go and play your joker, please?
14:27Sure thing.
14:28Bye-bye.
14:29Has the booze arrived?
14:30No.
14:32What?
14:33What did they say?
14:35You can't just keep it to yourself.
14:37This is the most deadpan group of people.
14:39I can't believe they're all still in there.
14:41They're not breaking.
14:42OK, we're going to have to get strict now.
14:44It's not.
14:44It's not.
14:47Oh, straight in there.
14:49Okey-dokey.
14:50Hello.
14:51Just to start off, I'm going to give you these, but could you not open them?
14:54Yeah, please.
15:02Let's go, Romesh.
15:05Oh, exciting.
15:06So, please don't look at the envelopes until I say, a lot of my comedy comes from taking ownership
15:11of some of the hardest things I've had to deal with.
15:14Whether it's my bonky eye, how much I depend on my mum for a career, or even how long I
15:19remained a virgin.
15:23I had to face a lot of criticism that I rely too much on jokes about my eye.
15:28Online, one person actually said if he had two straight eyes, he'd be driving a taxi.
15:34But what people don't know is actually that a little part of me dies every time I mention my weaknesses
15:39in a room of people.
15:40It gets laughs, sure, but it still hurts.
15:43So, given you guys can't laugh, I thought I would detail some of the things that I found the hardest.
15:48Here are some examples of the things I've got called.
15:51Gauzy-eyed, croc-eyed, gammy-eyed, shitty-eyed, eyed-eyed.
15:57And this is probably the worst one.
16:02Cookie Monster.
16:19Things then quietened down, and I learned to make those jokes first, but I wasn't ready for what happened in
16:252007.
16:26Tony Blair stood down, and this man became Prime Minister.
16:34Can anybody guess what my nickname was in the late noughties?
16:38Gordon.
16:39It was Gordon Very Very Brown.
16:49I hope that the status of becoming a teacher would change things.
16:52Some kids called me Mr Rajabaga Bing Bong.
16:56Which I thought was racist, but the head said all the vowels made it sound plausibly Sri Lankan.
17:04Fucking hell!
17:06A career in the public eye came next, and via the horror of social media.
17:11I found myself in the eye of the storm as TV appearances held another volley of horrible comments.
17:17Cameraman's nightmare.
17:19He needs his mum there for directions.
17:21His eyes are on more channels than he is.
17:25Not only that, but people made unflattering racial comparisons to other comedians.
17:30Jack Deepak.
17:33Ricky Gervaisian.
17:35Or the worst, David Badbadil.
17:40My therapist says, the final stage of my healing is to allow you to say those things.
17:45So when I point at you, what I'd like you to do is open your envelope, take it in, and
17:49then I would like you to say the insult to my face.
17:53Let me start with you, please.
18:03Even he can't see things from his own perspective.
18:16He'd need the Death Star to give him laser eye surgery.
18:30He's got the worst eye since Isis.
18:43He got jizz in that eye from whoever he had to suck off to get on TV.
18:50Maisie straight in.
18:51Not even a bit of a mercy.
18:53Nothing to Maisie.
18:54Nothing to Maisie.
19:07His wife's eyes must be more fucked than his.
19:15And finally.
19:18Mmm.
19:34His eye looks...
19:38His eye looks like a grape in a tumble dryer.
19:42Yeah.
19:52Thank you so much for taking the time to sort of share that and I certainly found it useful and
19:56I hope you did too.
19:57Thank you very much, guys.
19:58I appreciate it.
20:06Brave.
20:07That was brave.
20:08Brave.
20:08Very brave.
20:09I felt bad for Romesh and I've had that myself.
20:11You know, people have said horrible things about me, you know.
20:14My smile's like a bombed out village and stuff like that and someone said if I grew a moustache it'd
20:19look like Stonehenge had a thatched roof.
20:22What was yours again, Ellen?
20:24Can't remember now.
20:30Let's have it again.
20:31Yeah, it was my favourite.
20:32Once more with feeling.
20:35You can really picture the grape, can't you?
20:38Bobbling around.
20:40It makes me feel...
20:41No, but that will help.
20:43That will help.
20:44Heal from it.
20:50His eyes...
20:54...looks like...
20:57That's brilliant.
21:00That's a laugh.
21:01It's a weird noise, but it was a laugh.
21:02Yep.
21:05Whoa.
21:06What?
21:07Uh-oh.
21:08What?
21:09Doors.
21:12Oh, God.
21:14I think it might have been me, guys.
21:17We have had...
21:18...a laugh.
21:21Please.
21:25His eyes...
21:28...looks like...
21:32Oh, Bemi!
21:38Bemi, you're the first one out.
21:40Bemi.
21:40No!
21:43Oh!
21:44Yeah.
21:44Yeah, you are.
21:45Bemi, you have to come and watch with me, but...
21:47...you don't have to go on your own.
21:51Have a look.
21:51We've had another laugh.
21:56Let's have it again.
21:59You can really picture the grape, can't you?
22:04Oh!
22:05Oh!
22:05We're being incredibly strict now.
22:08And you lot pushed me to do that again.
22:11Had to happen, Alan!
22:12OK, that's one for you, Bemi.
22:14One for you, Alan.
22:14You'll come with me.
22:15Come on.
22:15All done, guys.
22:17All done, guys.
22:20I didn't get the first red card.
22:22It was a joint first red card.
22:24And technically, Alan Carr, alphabetically, is higher up.
22:28So, first, but, like, second to Alan.
22:32Bemi gets the first red card.
22:35She's out first.
22:35First red to Bemi.
22:38Oh, and Alan's out as well.
22:39But Bemi first.
22:42Please come in, take a seat.
22:44You are free to laugh.
22:45Oh!
22:46How did you find it in there?
22:47I couldn't control my face.
22:49There's so many funny people in there.
22:50Your facial expressions.
22:51It was only a matter of time.
22:52You know what my face...
22:53I knew I'd be the first or second out or whatever, but...
22:56I thought I'd last longer.
22:58I mean, I lasted long, actually.
23:00It's just everyone else is so good.
23:04Right, team.
23:04Things are going to get really fricking...
23:06Things are cooking now.
23:07Tense.
23:08They haven't restarted, have they?
23:10Nope.
23:11Yeah, get it out.
23:17OK, should we restart?
23:18Yes.
23:19OK, let's go.
23:21I thought...
23:21Oh, jeez.
23:22Oh, this is...
23:23This is thick and fast.
23:25I'm not ready for this.
23:27I might just get on the phone for some more booze.
23:30Lager, please.
23:35Have you been to a hem party, David?
23:37Only professionally, obviously.
23:40Professionally?
23:40Have you...
23:41You've been booked for a...
23:42You've been booked for a hem party?
23:43You've been booked for a hen do?
23:44Yeah.
23:45When I was younger and more...
23:47As a stripper?
23:49No, as a sort of, you know, a waiter just in a thong.
23:52No.
23:53I can believe that you would be a stripper.
23:56I can't believe that you would wit on someone.
23:58It's difficult to take that as a compliment.
24:02It's so nice to laugh.
24:04It's so nice.
24:06OK, it's time to bring a bit of class to proceedings, isn't it?
24:09All right.
24:11David.
24:15Oh, hello.
24:38Whoo!
24:40This should be fun.
24:41Doors.
24:43I see you've all met my chiropodist.
24:46Please, take a seat up here.
24:47We have a singing challenge now.
24:50Now I would be out.
24:51Yeah, we'd be out now.
24:52I don't feel so bad now.
24:53OK, it's actually fairly easy.
24:54All you've got to do is sing this.
25:03You bastard.
25:04OK, just sing that when I point to you.
25:06Amy.
25:06.
25:19David.
25:20.
25:32Dan.
25:42Romash.
25:44.
25:46.
25:55Mel's got to go.
25:57Surely.
25:58Mel.
26:00.
26:11So.
26:12.
26:13.
26:18Bob.
26:26Maisie's gone.
26:28Come on.
26:28Maisie's gone.
26:29Come on.
26:30She's crying.
26:31Maisie.
26:34.
26:35.
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27:00.
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27:02was okay let's have a look at the replay Bob
27:06oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh Oh Maisie Maisie oh I think you were laughing
27:24a bit yeah
27:25just a little bit so Maisie it's a red card for you sorry Maisie
27:33we've also had a smile take a look oh we are being strict at this stage of the
27:51game so I've got to give you a red card okay well it's a smile or laugh that's the
27:59game yeah I mean of course I came across such a narc then Mel sometimes it's nice
28:04to hold a glass rather than suck it to your face I sucked it so hard I couldn't
28:09actually get it off then I was annoyed with myself for letting that slip I thought I'd
28:28got away with it then just when you think you're safe the spectre of Jimmy Carr returns
28:33and it's all over so that's red cards for Amy and Maisie four down six to go who will be
28:41the next to
28:42crack here we are look at it that was a tough one I went so red I thought it was
28:47I thought
28:48it's gonna pass out you're not meant to repress it no it's unnatural I knew I was out when I
28:52started to see stars all right let's restart the game yeah can you give me three favorite things and
29:06I'll judge them three favorite what do you like cheese well here's the thing I don't really eat
29:11cheese but I can I can do it off memory if you like there was a time when you adore
29:16Jesus yeah
29:17your third cheese smoked cheddar sorry at number two Wensleydale sorry Ron and at number one for you
29:36Danish blue you love that one yeah what a great cheese it is a great cheese sorry to interrupt
29:49chaps something something from the buffet sorry to interrupt with a slightly loud voice I'll not
29:55take anything thank you cracker on a whack crack amoli as we're calling it yeah combo the two or a
30:02nice little tomato I'm fun with a mozzarella looking underneath do you like your mozzarella Bob or a
30:09cucumber Bob I'm gonna just bring into the guacamole dippy dippy dips in the guacca's Bob so close a lot
30:21of
30:21people didn't look to be on the offensive Mel for example as soon as she saw somebody had a problem
30:26she was in because she could smell a weakness I miss the guys I love those gals and Al everyone
30:34I
30:35really liked in this has now gone out hello last one laughing oh hi Romesh could you get Bob to
30:46go and
30:46prepare his joker no problem thank you Bob could you prepare your joker please oh hello sailor right
30:54now it's belt and braces time I fear this could be a problem for people this could be the end
31:02for
31:02some of us let's clench up because this is going to be a very very rough and difficult ride oh
31:09my god
31:10ladies and gentlemen please welcome on stage
31:18we are intimacy coordinators yeah you're a stout lad
31:25you're about to see a show
31:26oh wow the stakes are high a little bit sexier a little bit futuristic is the card red or yellow
31:36oh my god this is so tense nice and simple would you consider yourself a pervert
32:13won't do
32:16yeah
32:17hmm
32:17hmm
32:17hmm
32:18hmm
32:19hmm
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