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00:00Now you two, are you on a first date?
00:03Oui, oui, oui.
00:07Nous avons un grand plaisir.
00:10Non, je ne sais pas, je ne sais pas.
00:11Je ne sais pas que vous avez 18 questions.
00:14Où est-il vous... où est-il vous rencontre ?
00:16Nous a rencontré à Gaines Run Club,
00:19où il y a 200 gays men qui sont dans le thème sur un sâtiment.
00:22J'ai eu un peu de temps à faire.
00:23Oui, et je suis vraiment...
00:25...sweaty et beetroot-faced.
00:28And he asked me out.
00:31And here you are.
00:32Here we are.
00:33I feel good about this.
00:34I've got a good feeling about it.
00:35If you do get married, are we all invited?
00:38You're officiating it.
00:40Fine.
00:41I really hope this is your last date.
00:46Um...
03:56Swear to God, guess how much it's worth?
04:23Swear to God, guess how much it's worth?
04:25Go on.
04:25Swear to God, guess what?
04:38Swear to God, guess what?
04:41Swear to God, guess what?
04:54Swear to God, guess I was one?
04:55Swear to God?
04:56Swear to God, guess what?
05:04Swear to God I was one.
05:07Swear for God
05:10She's really strong
05:13C'est très intense !
05:15Hello to her !
05:16Hi Carly !
05:17Hi Diva !
05:18Hi Diva !
05:23Now, we need to talk about the new album.
05:25Yes !
05:33It's called Dinner Party.
05:34We have a visual here.
05:40There she is !
05:41Oh my God !
05:42Guys, I'm not anti it, but is this going to happen all night ?
05:47Yes !
05:49OK, and the singles dinner party, it's out, I believe, now.
05:53And it was written about a very special dinner party, wasn't it ?
05:58Yeah, I wrote this song.
06:00The lyric kind of does...
06:02It's like Ronsell, it does exactly what it says in the tin.
06:04It tells you exactly what happened from the night I met my girlfriend.
06:08Who was it ?
06:09We were at...
06:10She was a late...
06:11You're not screaming.
06:15She was like a late addition to a party that I was at.
06:18And, yeah, I just got chatting to her, offered her a drink.
06:22We got chatting.
06:24She says that we didn't kiss that night.
06:25I disagree.
06:26I think we did.
06:28And, er, it's one of those things that you don't expect to be writing about,
06:34like a big once in a lifetime moment, and it kind of happened to me,
06:36which is pretty cool, so I got to write about it.
06:39Can I also just say, the energy since you mentioned your incredible partner
06:42has changed in this way.
06:44Yes !
06:45Before, it was all like, whoa, Niall !
06:48As soon as you brought her off, Niall.
06:51Don't mention it.
06:51I wasn't going to bring it up, of course.
06:53I wasn't going to bring it up.
06:54It's going very well in here.
06:57Let him live !
06:57By the way, I just met her.
06:59She's...
06:59This is going to make it worse.
07:00Divine !
07:02Oh, I get a happy dinner!
07:04There we go !
07:08Do you like a dinner...
07:10I'm nervous of a dinner party.
07:12Yeah.
07:12I don't want a napkin in the shape of a swan.
07:15Yeah.
07:16Or a play set.
07:17I just worry that I'm going to do something wrong.
07:18Do you love a dinner party?
07:20It's something that I've definitely gotten into the older I've gotten.
07:23It's one of those things...
07:24Mm-hm.
07:24It's a coming-of-age thing, isn't it?
07:26Yes.
07:27Having a dinner party.
07:28It's like, I mean, I just sat down for dinner and...
07:30kind of throw a pizza in the oven or something, generally.
07:33But now that I'm older, I have dinner parties, obviously.
07:37Um...
07:39You two?
07:39Where do we stand on dinner parties?
07:41I can't...
07:43I can't cook shit.
07:45I can't cook shit.
07:46Why would I remove jobs from the hard-working people
07:49at Nando's?
07:50There's no niece.
07:51I go to them, I receive my food.
07:54It's a wonderful transaction.
07:56And there's no dinner parties in my house.
07:57I've got five kids, man.
07:59Wow!
08:00I, um...
08:01I'll attend.
08:02I won't host.
08:03I use my air fire to hold my keys.
08:05Do you bring food?
08:06Will you, like, do a potluck sort of thing?
08:08OK.
08:08I'll arrive when the food has been done and dust and the party is beginning.
08:12Right.
08:13And I'm the same as you.
08:15Deliveroo, this is highly embarrassing, but obviously we're in it now,
08:19contacted me and asked me if I'd like a business account because they thought I was a company.
08:23I swear to God.
08:26My problem with Deliveroo is I'll do an order.
08:28You know you're in trouble when they deliver it with, like, four sets of chopsticks.
08:33And I'm like...
08:33Just me in my bed.
08:35Yeah.
08:36I leave the noodles with my hands.
08:38Thanks for coming.
08:40Now, we have got a clip of the song.
08:44One kiss on your neck.
08:46It was so concrete.
08:48I'm done looking for somebody.
08:53Behind closed doors.
08:56Things I've never felt before.
09:00Crashing lights when you first saw me.
09:05Yeah, I met you at a dinner party.
09:10Chending years toаем coffee.
09:13Yeah, I met you at a heart.
09:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
09:26Please tell us the details of the single, the name and when it's out.
09:31And then we can go who-ha.
09:32The single is The Dinner Party, it's out today.
09:34The album is coming very soon.
09:36Sous-titrage Société Radio-Canada
10:06Clipboard!
10:07There are 22 steps.
10:08Wait.
10:10One, you light a candle to set the tone.
10:14I explained.
10:15Give me a minute.
10:16Come on.
10:16Give her half an hour.
10:19Four, there's a cold water splash.
10:21Pardon.
10:23Number nine is you play with big silver balls.
10:28There are so many.
10:29Tell me what you actually do.
10:31I do quite a few of them, to be fair.
10:32I'm quite big into the skincare.
10:34Do the ice water in the morning.
10:36Three or four dunks.
10:40Action, I'm going to action all the time.
10:42Are you ready?
10:43We've got it.
10:44Couple of moisturisers and like...
10:46Two moisturisers?
10:47A serum and moisturiser.
10:49Have a spray.
10:50It's like a cold plunge for your face.
10:52Yeah.
10:52It's fucking freezing.
10:53He's actually 72 years old.
10:54Yeah.
10:55Wow.
10:56It's amazing.
10:57I don't, I don't.
10:58You do.
10:59I'm so impressed.
11:00I'm used to dealing with lads who've cleaned their face with a scrub daddy.
11:02I've never met anyone with this.
11:05I agree.
11:07I need to move up in the world.
11:11Um, Guz, what are you doing in the morning?
11:14Look, by the way, look how immaculate that skin is.
11:17Like I wash my face.
11:21Sometimes, you know, sometimes some mornings is hard.
11:24My wife puts that, um, is it like a blackhead strip?
11:27What is that?
11:28Blackhead strips.
11:29I don't know what it is, but every time, it is.
11:31Every time she puts it on, she insists that she's the one to take it off.
11:36And when she peels it, she does the same thing every time.
11:38She peels it, looks at it and says, disgusting.
11:43So satisfying.
11:43Just so you know.
11:44Very satisfying though.
11:46Did she rip it off, like, quick or slow?
11:49It depends on the mood.
11:50Got it.
11:51Got it.
11:51I think my plan is to, um, two-step skincare
11:56and then just eventually get a gorgeous Korean facelift.
11:59Yeah.
12:00Wow.
12:01How...
12:01We could all be doing it.
12:03Yeah.
12:03I want it.
12:04They just yank you up.
12:06Yeah, they yank you up.
12:06Yeah, yank you right up.
12:07The problem is, where did the folds go?
12:09Who cares about the folds?
12:11It goes into the back of your ears.
12:12Right.
12:13I love my eyes on my head.
12:14I want so much plastic surgery.
12:15When they cremate me, I won't burn.
12:16I'll just...
12:18LAUGHTER
12:19Just milk.
12:20I'll just...
12:26I'll just...
12:27I'll just...
12:28I'll just...
12:28I'll just shrink, amazing.
12:29Remember those crisp packets in the 90s you used to put in the oven,
12:31they just shrink?
12:32Yeah.
12:32That'll be me.
12:33Fingers crossed.
12:34That's my goal.
12:35Yeah.
12:36It's a good goal.
12:37Thank you.
12:37I want my eyes on the top of my head.
12:40Yeah.
12:40Yeah.
12:41I want my ass on my back.
12:42That's what I want.
12:43Yeah.
12:44I'm following you.
12:45Yeah, of course.
12:47Rachel, you're back in the UK, back in the Palladium.
12:51Yeah.
12:51And you're here for a very special week of concerts.
12:54Yeah, I'm doing a week of concerts of the 25th anniversary of the musical The Last Five Years
12:59with my good friend Ben Platt.
13:01There we are.
13:02There's our faces.
13:03There we are.
13:04And it's so, so special because it's directed by the writer and composer Jason Robert Brown,
13:10who will also be on stage conducting, playing piano, all those things.
13:14And I've just been dying at the opportunity to work with my good friend Ben.
13:17I'm so excited.
13:19So good.
13:19What I love is when I came to see you earlier, you were like,
13:21I was watching Ben sing today.
13:22He was amazing.
13:23It's just, it's actually disgusting.
13:25Like, it's like Ben, I'm mad about it.
13:28Yeah, you get it.
13:29It's like, it's one of those things where you watch your friends be talented,
13:33and you're just, it's revolting.
13:36I want to push him down the stairs.
13:39Let's not do that.
13:39But he'll feel the same way about you.
13:42He will.
13:42Maybe.
13:43He really will.
13:44I don't.
13:46Please tell me when we can come and see the concert.
13:49Uh, Tuesday, March 24th through March 29th at the London Palladium.
13:54It's so exciting.
13:55I can't wait.
13:55I cannot wait.
13:57Yeah, you can.
13:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
14:05You at the Palladium, we have to talk about Avita.
14:08You've just been nominated for an Olivier Award.
14:10Congratulations.
14:10Thank you.
14:11Oh, no.
14:12Thank you.
14:17Yeah, there she is.
14:19This is when you came out to the balcony and you sang.
14:22When they first told you that idea, were you like, don't be ridiculous, guys?
14:26Oh, no.
14:27I was like, whatever we need to do, let's make it happen.
14:29It was beyond my wildest dreams I never could have imagined.
14:31There were more people on closing night outside than there were sat inside.
14:36Wow.
14:36Unbelievable.
14:37Wow.
14:37There were, like, 3,000 people, I think, outside for the final night.
14:40It went all the way down to the IKEA on...
14:44You guys!
14:45Yeah.
14:46Yeah.
14:46Yeah.
14:47And it was unbelievable.
14:48There's 2,200 seats in the Palladium roughly.
14:50So it was amazing.
14:52And were there some nights that really stuck with you?
14:55Pride was amazing.
14:57Because everyone was so hammered that they were singing along incorrectly.
15:04I had a...
15:05We could see the building across from me on Argyle Street, which was...
15:08It's a building with restaurants.
15:10There's offices, I'm sure.
15:11And there was somebody who stood in the stairwell and just kind of mimicked my every move.
15:17In my direct eyeline.
15:19It was hysterical.
15:20I have to give kudos.
15:20I don't know who they are.
15:22Kudos to that man.
15:23Thank you.
15:24You saw Rachel, didn't you?
15:26I did.
15:26Crazy.
15:27Yeah.
15:27Why would you do that?
15:28It was the holistic in town.
15:29I had to pull a lot of strings together.
15:31to get in.
15:33It was phenomenal.
15:34If it makes you feel any better, I'm also disgusted by you.
15:37Oh, cool.
15:37Yeah.
15:38A lot of people are.
15:40I was like, the lungs...
15:42And now you're funny as well.
15:43I'm going to have to have you put down Rachel.
15:44That's all right.
15:46Everyone say goodbye to Rachel.
15:48Hi.
15:49Now, we have somebody here, I believe, who is about to play Evita at the Swan in Worcester.
15:56Rosie, are you here?
15:57Rosie!
15:57Hello.
15:58Hi, darling.
15:59Rosie, number one.
16:00Good luck.
16:01When does it start?
16:0221st of April.
16:03So soon.
16:04Yeah.
16:05Oh, my God, are you excited?
16:06Yeah.
16:07It's the time of your life.
16:08Yeah.
16:08This is the most exciting part.
16:10Do you get enough water breaks?
16:12Um...
16:13Yeah, I know.
16:15Baby, I know.
16:17Because I had this really fun thing where I didn't have any costume changes, where usually,
16:21as Eva Perrone, I'm sure you have a lot of costume changes, drink during those.
16:25Yes.
16:26Because I didn't have any of those, and I had to beg for water breaks to be choreographed
16:29in.
16:30Olivier nominee Fabian Aloise should win just because he choreographed water breaks into
16:34my choreography.
16:35And I bet those who saw it didn't even notice.
16:39Right.
16:40So...
16:41But it's the time of your life.
16:43Just take it with you.
16:44It's so much fun.
16:45You'll remember it for a lifetime.
16:46Good luck.
16:47Good luck.
16:47Rick Allard!
16:50Rick Allard!
16:51So fun!
16:54Your Evita broke records.
16:55It was the longest standing ovation ever in the West End.
17:00How long has it got?
17:00Over ten minutes?
17:01Over ten minutes on closing night, for sure.
17:03But it was one of those moments where I was used to doing...I did Shakespeare in New York.
17:08Like, you don't get a standing o for everything, but in New York, it's very much a part of the
17:13culture.
17:13After the show is done, everybody stands.
17:15And I was told many times before the run started, like, well, just, you know, it doesn't
17:20mean they don't like it if they don't stand.
17:21It doesn't mean that because London audiences are a lot more reserved, which I for one really
17:25love.
17:26And we got a standing ovation every night.
17:28And it was bizarre to everybody in the company that that was what was going on.
17:32And the closing night was, I think it was like 12 minutes.
17:35It went over the record, which was ten.
17:39How do you...what face do you pull?
17:42There are many videos of me turning to James Olivas, who plays Perón, where I go, I don't
17:47know what to do.
17:49I don't know what to do.
17:50And also, like I said, didn't really have any time off stage.
17:54I had to pee so bad that I would always be like, Alan, wrap it up.
17:58Because we were waiting for a reprise of money kept rolling in to come in so that we could
18:03dance off the stage.
18:04And it just never came.
18:05And so there are also videos of me being like, I have to pee.
18:10Because you've had water breaks.
18:12I've got...
18:12You've had water breaks and you're not wearing a nappy.
18:15I had...exactly.
18:16I had very rare water breaks so when I could drink water, you best believe I was chugging.
18:21Yeah.
18:21So it was one of those where I had to pee so bad at the end of the...it's a three
18:25-hour musical
18:26and I did not leave the stage once.
18:28The only time I left the stage was to go get ready to go do the balcony.
18:31And then I came right back onto the stage.
18:32So I didn't have any time to pee during the show.
18:34Rachel, you need a shiwi.
18:35I used a glass to breathe.
18:38LAUGHTER
18:38Not that...not that I used it.
18:40Very effective.
18:41LAUGHTER
18:42Yeah.
18:44Now, Guz, we need to converse about Bait.
18:47It's a brand new show for Prime Video.
18:50That's correct.
18:51This is a creation of Riz Ahmed.
18:54I've known Riz for quite some time.
18:56I knew him before I even stumbled into this.
18:58And he's been really honest.
18:59It's a real honest story of what it's like for a guy from a working class family in Wembley,
19:05to have done all the stuff he's done,
19:07but every time that big role comes, that big opportunity comes,
19:10something goes wrong or it doesn't quite happen.
19:13And it was wicked to work on it with him because it's so honest.
19:17It's a lot of his real life and his real story.
19:19So, yeah, it's got a lot of humour.
19:21It's completely crazy.
19:22That's how Riz likes to do his stuff.
19:24And I think it's very unique.
19:25Something that people won't have seen before, for sure.
19:27This is about Riz going for Bond, right?
19:30He has an audition and it's four days.
19:33That's the story of Bait, isn't it?
19:36Can I tell you the truth?
19:37Yeah.
19:37I'm not really sure.
19:42No, I'm a truthful person, OK?
19:44Some months of Ramadan, I've got to tell the truth, OK?
19:46Yep.
19:47I'll be reading my words, and then I'll go to sleep.
19:50That's all I do.
19:53LAUGHTER
19:54Come on, Ivy.
19:56I'm a person out of the person.
19:57My line.
19:57I'm a person out of the person.
19:58My line.
19:59My line.
20:00Can I just tell you that the 3R for the show,
20:02I just heard her back there bang her head against the dick.
20:06It's really good, though.
20:07I can tell you that.
20:08It's really good.
20:09Should we have a clip?
20:10If you want, yeah.
20:10Yeah, why not?
20:11Why should I go on?
20:12Calm down.
20:13It's just an audition, yeah?
20:14Call me if you need a body double for sex scenes.
20:16Hello?
20:17Hello?
20:18Can you tell her to call me as soon as she comes back in?
20:21Yes.
20:21Can I tell her?
20:22OK.
20:23Bye.
20:23I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing.
20:27I've just got to sort this out and work it out.
20:30Yo, yo, look at me.
20:32I'm proud of you.
20:34Yeah?
20:36James?
20:36Come on, my guy.
20:37Come on.
20:38Let's see what happens.
20:38Of course.
20:39Do they know about height?
20:41What do you mean?
20:43They're going to give you special shoes.
20:44Like James was a big, isn't it?
20:50I'm just saying it for you.
20:52For you.
20:53Yes!
20:54Come on!
20:55Come on!
20:58Come on!
20:58Please!
21:00Tell us not.
21:01I have to say it.
21:03He is short.
21:04He is short.
21:04He is short, Iris.
21:06So, you know, there's certain criteria that I believe you have to hit to be James Bond,
21:11and they killed him at number one.
21:12He can't even help that.
21:13It's not his fault he didn't get the right level of protein in when he was a kid.
21:16You can't make these kind of judgments on somebody.
21:17Bless Riz Ahmed.
21:18Can I say that we should have a short James Bond?
21:20Because how are you going to be so tall and sneaking around like a secret agent?
21:23Exactly.
21:24I don't see it.
21:25I've been saying that for years.
21:27LAUGHTER
21:30Where did you first meet him?
21:32Where did I first meet Riz Ahmed?
21:34For legal purposes, I've been asked to frame this story.
21:37LAUGHTER
21:39To go back, like, 20 years.
21:41Could be a little bit more.
21:42And I'm from Coventry.
21:44I still live there.
21:45And I, before I did this, had different vocations.
21:49Mm-hm.
21:49Um, one of my vocations was selling tulips.
21:55Let's go with that.
21:57Let's go with that.
21:59What beautiful tulips they were.
22:00Right?
22:00Yes.
22:01I was a florist.
22:01People really like the flowers.
22:02Every time they get in there, brother, this flower is the best flower I ever smelt in my whole life.
22:07OK?
22:09I was in an alleyway with my still best friend till this day.
22:13And a gentleman comes running into the alleyway and when you're selling tulips late at night,
22:17everyone's on edge.
22:18Yes?
22:19LAUGHTER
22:20Go with it, guys.
22:21I looked down, I looked down the alleyway and there's Riz Ahmed.
22:25Well, I didn't know it was Riz Ahmed.
22:27And Riz Ahmed was a little bit nervous about the activity of floristry in this particular alleyway.
22:32LAUGHTER
22:32But to his credit, Riz decided to venture down there to me and my friend and said,
22:37My brothers, I'm about to spit some bars in the Students' Union.
22:41Would you like to join me?
22:43And I looked at my friend and said,
22:44Probably not, man.
22:45These tulips ain't gonna sell themselves, brother.
22:48LAUGHTER
22:49My friend who's a good person, he's a good geezer, he said,
22:52No, we should support this guy.
22:53He looks kind of stressed.
22:54So we accompanied him to the Students' Union.
22:57This is Oscar-winning Riz Ahmed 20 years ago.
22:59And he performed quite OK-ish rap music to a group of six people in Coventry Students' Union.
23:09And ten years later, when I started doing, like, comedy and silly stuff like that,
23:13he messaged me and he goes,
23:15But can I ask you a question?
23:17I said, Yeah.
23:18He said, Did you used to sell tulips?
23:22LAUGHTER
23:23In an alleyway in Coventry.
23:25And I said, Who are you, the police?
23:27Go away!
23:28LAUGHTER
23:29And that's the story of how me and Riz Ahmed?
23:31I mean...
23:33APPLAUSE
23:37You invite me to Eid every year.
23:38Yes, he does.
23:40He does.
23:40He's a good lad.
23:40I can't, I'm gonna miss it this year, because I'm here, but Riz invites me to, like,
23:44they do Eid in New York.
23:45Yes.
23:46They do an Eid banquet, and I'm missing it this year, and I'm very sad.
23:48But he's so...
23:49He's salt to the earth.
23:50He's a good guy.
23:51He's gonna have great flowers.
23:52Yeah.
23:52Great tulips at Eid.
23:55Loads of tulips.
23:55LAUGHTER
23:57And you've worked with another one of your best friends.
24:00Who's that?
24:00On this...
24:01Lumbu.
24:02Because there's this show that I find very difficult to say, so I'm gonna go very
24:06silly.
24:06Gus Kahn's Custom Cars.
24:08Quite tricky to say.
24:09Well done.
24:09Gus Kahn's Custom Cars.
24:10And you do it with Lumbu, and it is really funny.
24:15I know nothing about cars.
24:17Tell me about this show.
24:18Well, this show came about because I do like cars.
24:22Mm-hm.
24:22Always have.
24:23When we were younger, just growing up in a working-class family in
24:26cars, the idea of owning a car that was more than 750 pounds was a
24:31bit of a dream, OK?
24:32And now you get to a stage in your career where you can say to
24:35people, I like cars.
24:37Can we make a television show about it, please, somebody?
24:40And they were...
24:40I was lucky enough for someone to say, yeah.
24:41But in my head, I always wanted my best friend to come along on
24:44this journey with me.
24:45My best friend is Lumbu.
24:46To describe Lumbu, he is a human sunflower.
24:50Are we talking real flowers this time?
24:51Yeah, yeah.
24:52Yeah, yeah.
24:53Real flowers.
24:54Making sure.
24:55Well, I'm from B&Q, plant them in the ground, real legit.
24:58Just checking.
24:59There he is.
24:59Oh!
25:00Handsome boy.
25:01But, you know, you realise, when you bring your friends to
25:04make television, they don't really respect the rules.
25:08Tell me more.
25:09So, like, if a call time is at 8.30 in the morning,
25:13and your friend turns up at 2.30 in the afternoon.
25:17That probably isn't good for the rules, right?
25:20Yeah.
25:21And it looks bad on you.
25:22It looks terrible on me.
25:23Sort of love him for it.
25:24What was he doing?
25:25What was he doing until 2.30?
25:27Yeah.
25:27Sleeping.
25:28Oh, wow.
25:29Yes, he was tired.
25:30I respect it.
25:31I gotta respect it.
25:32Yeah, but it's an amazing thing to go on.
25:34Like, we've been messing around since we were kids,
25:36and then we went on this journey to create this incredible custom car.
25:39I'd never done that before, but we did realise by the end of the show
25:42that he had created a car that, based on his 6ft4 length
25:48and my 18 stone weight, we couldn't fit in.
25:53Now there's a custom car somewhere in the streets of Coventry
25:56rotting in a car park.
25:57If anybody wants it, go and take it.
25:59It was a fun journey, really fun journey.
26:01I cannot recommend it enough.
26:02I don't know anything about cars, but I was howling by the way
26:06you two talk to each other, the way you're talking.
26:08There was something about an exhaust pipe.
26:10Didn't know what I was.
26:11I was in.
26:12Yeah.
26:13I was in.
26:13Where can people watch...
26:15I don't know what channel it's on, but you'll find it.
26:18It's on Discovery Plus.
26:19Is it?
26:20Yeah.
26:21And Bait.
26:22Amazon for sure.
26:23Correct.
26:24Prime Video for Bait.
26:26And you can witness Riz Ahmed, I assume, go on to win an Emmy,
26:30because he's incredible in it, support the show.
26:32It's got proper British flavour, it's got proper energy and humour.
26:37Just enjoy it.
26:38OK.
26:39Thank you.
26:40Thank you very much.
26:43Before you got into comedy, and before all of this, you were a teacher.
26:49I was a teacher.
26:51What kind of a teacher were you?
26:53A shit one.
26:55LAUGHTER
26:56I don't believe that.
26:58I just don't believe that.
27:00What did...
27:00I believe that.
27:01I believe that.
27:03You can see it.
27:04That tracks.
27:05Yeah, sure.
27:06What did you teach?
27:07Well, here's the thing.
27:09So when you do your PGCE...
27:11Yeah.
27:12..specialise in teaching, you do that in a specific subject
27:16or set of subjects.
27:18I never got round to teaching those specific sets of subjects.
27:21Right.
27:22So, like, I was basically like a really good big brother
27:26forward slash that fun uncle around school,
27:29and I would like to hope to think maybe that I had contributed
27:33in a positive way to the children of Grace Academy in Coventry
27:35if I didn't and you failed your GCSEs, I apologise.
27:38LAUGHTER
27:39That is the plot to School of Rock without the music.
27:41Yeah.
27:42Exactly.
27:43Can I tell you something?
27:44Yeah.
27:44Your students loved you.
27:46Did they love me?
27:46They loved you.
27:47Would you like to say hello to them?
27:48No, stop it.
27:49I'm going to cry.
27:50She's on the front door.
27:51I'm going to cry.
27:51Good man.
27:54What?!
27:56Hey, Mr. Khan!
27:58Give me another one!
27:59Yes!
28:00Give me another one!
28:01Yes!
28:02Come here, you guys!
28:04Come here!
28:08Come here!
28:13You're 25 now!
28:14You're 25 now!
28:15NFC's!
28:17It's so big.
28:19Super big!
28:19I'm so big!
28:21So big!
28:23Gloria!
28:24I know!
28:25You bought all the brown ones!
28:27What?!
28:27LAUGHTER
28:29Left all the poor white kids at home in Coventry.
28:31I love you too.
28:32Have a seat on the sofa.
28:34Oh, that's brilliant.
28:35Oh, my goodness.
28:36Oh, hi!
28:37How are you?
28:38Hello.
28:38Can I sit next to the mirror?
28:40Yeah, you can sit next to the mirror.
28:41Yeah, you can sit next to the mirror.
28:42I'm sitting here.
28:43J'ai pas à la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin.
29:13Et il me dit, je me suis dit, je me suis dit, je ne peux pas être à faire de
29:17la présentation,
29:18slide le next button, tu sit là et tu le fais pour moi.
29:22Je suis là , c'est ça, c'est ça, mais le truc est, je suis très shy,
29:27jusqu'Ã ce que je m'avais M. Karno, et encore, il y a eu, il y a eu,
29:30il y a eu, il y a eu, il y a eu, il y a eu, il y a eu,
29:34il y a eu, il y a eu,
29:34et j'ai eu commencé à avoir confiance en ça, mais même après il y a eu,
29:38knowing what he pursued was enough to inspire myself to pursue something different,
29:46you know, when you come from Coventry and you come from a South Asian background,
29:49you're not always pushed to do something creative, so now, you know, I went to uni,
29:53I passed, yeah, I got an art degree, I got an art degree, and, and, and, and,
30:02and, yeah, it was like... You contributed more than you think,
30:05because... Come on!
30:13How was the family? Are you OK?
30:16Nafis, tell us about Mr. Karn. Nafis, why are you sweating so much?
30:21I don't know what I'm allowed to say, I'm not allowed to say, innit?
30:25The brother's got tulips in his inside pocket, I don't know why.
30:30Now, you know what it is? This guy, he made us all feel like you can go out and do
30:34anything that you want.
30:36Coventry's... Coventry's going for tulips.
30:38So...
30:40Brilliant. Well done.
30:43Everyone there is some sort of florist, so no one really thinks of Coventry and thinks,
30:49oh, yeah, like, someone's going to come out of there, so to see somebody go out and do it,
30:52like, I'll be the first one to say it, and everyone in Coventry has goods back in,
30:56and, like, we're super proud of what you've done.
30:59Come on!
31:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
31:06Thank you so much, Simran, Nafis, thank you.
31:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
31:23That was so nice. I never marked a book in my life, but I don't know about it.
31:29LAUGHTER
31:30Um, it was so lovely, thank you so much for coming. Thank you, you too.
31:33Jo-am, tell me, your tour, you keep adding more dates, you are playing huge arenas.
31:40It's Pinot-phile. There it is.
31:42P-I-N-O-F-I-L.
31:45I file Pinot, it's a fun pun.
31:48It has made getting caress a little difficult, so I'm delighted to be here, Claudia, thank you.
31:53LAUGHTER
31:53Not every BBC show would take me with a name like that.
31:57LAUGHTER
31:57You're doing huge venues. Fun or ever so slightly scraper?
32:01It's a great crack. Yeah.
32:02Sometimes I think it gets a reputation for being this kind of feral...
32:07LAUGHTER
32:09I'll give you an example, a man...
32:10Because it's a predominantly female audience, OK?
32:12But a man messaged me and he was like, is it safe for me to come?
32:15And I was like, oh, my God!
32:17They obviously think I'm running some sort of cannibalistic...
32:21Like, we're putting men in cauldrons and boiling them
32:23and then drinking their bone broth or something,
32:25which I would do for an Netflix special, I think.
32:27LAUGHTER
32:28But no, it's great. I love it. Like, I love gigging.
32:30I love travelling around, living out of a suitcase. Yeah.
32:33We should say you broke records for the longest ever standing ovation,
32:36at the Palladium. You broke a different record.
32:39Well, Rachel, I, too, played the London Palladium and broke a record.
32:44Come on. Mm-hm.
32:45It was for wine cells.
32:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
33:06Like, have you got white wine? Have you got Prosecco?
33:10Oh! And they're like, yeah, we've got enough.
33:11And you're like... We're similar women, the women coming.
33:14A little bit of, you know, we like... We like a drink.
33:17Yeah.
33:18Bit of un-diagnosed ADHD.
33:19Like, there's a vibe.
33:21Yeah.
33:21Mentally feral, physically groomed, you know.
33:23Maybe we might need out of it being on a weekend.
33:26That's the vibe of the show.
33:28LAUGHTER
33:29Do you know? Like, it is what it is.
33:33LAUGHTER
33:36You know you're talking about wee bricks. We're going to need one after this.
33:40LAUGHTER
33:41Peanophile. On sale now.
33:45LAUGHTER
33:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
33:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
33:50You're doing all of these shows and you also would like to adopt a dog.
33:55I bought a house, finally on the ladder, I have a garden.
33:58Lovely.
33:58I was like, I'll obviously rescue a dog, cos that's what you do.
34:01Are you adopted? Also, I'm adopted myself, so I feel it's only fair to pay it for it.
34:04Yeah.
34:05And, erm...
34:07LAUGHTER
34:08True.
34:10LAUGHTER
34:12I'm a rescue... I'm a rescue driver.
34:14I'm a rescue!
34:16Yeah.
34:16So I would always rescue. I would never buy new.
34:20And, erm, shame on you for having your own children, Claudia.
34:23You should have been back there.
34:26How dare you.
34:27So, anyway, I rang up and it is so hard.
34:31Yeah.
34:31And I'll probably get rinsed for saying this.
34:34But, like, I was like, blah, blah, blah, I want to adopt a little.
34:36And they were like, do you have a car?
34:38And I was like, no.
34:39I said, I have access to an e-scooter.
34:42LAUGHTER
34:42And they were like, oh, if you don't have a car...
34:44And I was like, they're like, you can't adopt a dog.
34:47And I was like, what am I driving it to? It's piano lessons.
34:49LAUGHTER
34:51It's you, because I couldn't... If you don't have a garden, they don't.
34:53Well, I have a garden now.
34:54Yeah, fine, then you can have a whole litter, hive, I don't know.
34:59LAUGHTER
34:59A hive of those.
35:00Gaggle.
35:01So you have these lovely fans.
35:04What is the wildest thing your fans have ever done?
35:07Erm, one time in the Apollo, I could sense there was, like,
35:11a kerfuffle in one of the balconies.
35:14And I was like, what is going... It's kind of distracting.
35:16You're like, what's going on?
35:16You don't want to stop the show, but you're dying to know the tea of what's happening.
35:20Yes, yes.
35:21And, erm, there was a woman taken out, again, I'm not really selling the show here.
35:25I'm worse than you.
35:26LAUGHTER
35:27Erm, there was a woman taken out by her arms and her legs.
35:30I carried out.
35:32Oh, Lord.
35:33Yeah.
35:34I was like, I'm raging, I miss that now.
35:36That would have been worth stopping the show for.
35:38I think her bag fell over the balcony and she was trying to get it
35:41and they were worried she'd fall and I don't know.
35:43Anyway, look, it's fine.
35:46LAUGHTER
35:46Safe space.
35:48We put seatbelts in the balconies now, they're strapped in.
35:51LAUGHTER
35:51They can't move.
35:52Erm, now, Joanne, your fans are a bit like a cult.
35:56They love you.
35:57Would you be up for joining one?
35:58Because I definitely would.
35:59I have a cult vibe for...
36:02I'm suggestible.
36:03I'd be easily...
36:05Like, I think I'm involved in an aloe vera pyramid already,
36:07which is kind of pushing on cult vibes.
36:11I like the sense of camaraderie, yeah.
36:14Do you?
36:15Yeah, and you don't, you die alone, you die in a gang.
36:17And everyone drinks the poison, but I'm such a boozer,
36:20I'll probably just completely survive and live.
36:22LAUGHTER
36:22I'll wake up, I'm ready to be dead, I'll pop a sob,
36:24and I'll get out of my day.
36:25I do...
36:26My agent won't book hotels near Scientology centres
36:29because he's like, he'll go in.
36:31Really?
36:32I don't like cults, yeah?
36:33Don't want to be part of them, don't like reading about them,
36:36don't like watching Netflix documentaries about them, they're scary.
36:38You've got a cult vibe.
36:40Me?
36:40Yeah.
36:42I would, I would join.
36:44Oh, you mean as the leader of them?
36:45Yes, your leader vibes, yes.
36:47Yeah.
36:47I'm very follower vibes, yeah, your leader vibes.
36:50The glasses and all, come on.
36:51The glasses?
36:54Guys, here's the thing.
36:56Tell us about when you went on holiday.
36:59The first time I would have been to America, it was work.
37:02I've never been to America in my life,
37:04I always thought I'd struggle to get in.
37:06So, like...
37:07LAUGHTER
37:08Irish passport.
37:09Irish passport.
37:10Irish passport.
37:11Two of your friends.
37:12Two of your friends.
37:12Two of your friends.
37:13No.
37:13You don't need the bunny Nile.
37:15If I tried to get into America as Nile, I would be in Guantanamo Bay for the rest of my
37:20life.
37:21LAUGHTER
37:22Can you imagine that?
37:24Can you imagine that?
37:25Yeah, I was in one direction.
37:27LAUGHTER
37:29You all laugh, but he's not wrong.
37:32LAUGHTER
37:33So...
37:33I live there.
37:34LAUGHTER
37:35Where were you going?
37:36To Los Angeles.
37:38OK.
37:38Yeah.
37:38And so I said to my wife, and the kids are like, this is going to be an incredible trip,
37:41let's do it there.
37:42They're like, of course let's do it, mate.
37:43And I'm like, yo, this is exciting, let me book somewhere incredible in the Hollywood Hills.
37:49I love my wife and my children.
37:52Here we go.
37:52And then I saw how much it costs to book somewhere in the Hollywood Hills.
37:55I don't love them that much.
37:56So I went on the Airbnb list, and I found somewhere that looks sick.
38:01And it had an exciting name, it was called Topanga.
38:04Topanga Canyon.
38:05Topanga Canyon.
38:05Is that what, yes?
38:06OK, so Topanga Canyon.
38:07Now it sounds exciting.
38:09Yeah.
38:09I went on the list, and it had no ratings, but it looked sick and it was cheap.
38:13No ratings?
38:13Yeah, I know, I'm an idiot.
38:15You've met me now, you've been sitting next to me, you know how this stuff goes.
38:17You're terrible on a call!
38:20So I booked it, and we got to the airport, and there's a wonderful driver that was there
38:24to pick us up, and he said, so brother, where you going?
38:26And I was like, oh, here, Topanga.
38:28He went, oh.
38:30I said, why you say, oh, four like that?
38:32He said, brother, man, I'm saying, brothers like me and you, we don't be in Topanga.
38:39Immediate worrying sign.
38:40But I thought, anyway, it's cheap, two of the kids are asleep, one's vomiting in the back,
38:44let's just get to Topanga, OK?
38:46So we're heading up to Topanga, and it's very, it's very, like, up-hilly, yeah?
38:51There's a lot of altitude, and we're travelling there, and he's telling me all these terrible stories
38:55about, man, shit, man, ain't nothing around here.
38:58I said, where's the hospital?
38:59He said, shit, I don't know, man.
39:01Ain't nothing around here.
39:03We should be here.
39:04Anyway, I'm listening to this geezer bang on, and we get to the house, pitch black.
39:08There's all noises of crickets and...
39:11I don't know what was going on over there, right?
39:13All kind of animals I've never heard in my life, OK?
39:15I thought there was people in the butchers going, put a kush, kush, kush, and I won't.
39:20So, it's pitch black, and the instructions to get in this property are a bit weird, yeah?
39:24Mm-hm.
39:24You've got to go round the back, and there's no lights, but there were, like, security cameras
39:29all over this house, right?
39:31So, we're walking around, and then my kids, wherever they're walking, this camera's going...
39:36Yeah, definitely.
39:38Sketch as hell.
39:39Right, so my son's like, oh, dad, the camera's following me.
39:41I said, shut up, man, you don't know what's going on.
39:45So, we managed...
39:47We managed to get in the house, and my middle son, Lispy, he's cool, like, because he's got a lisp.
39:51So, Lispy's in the house...
39:54You're making that up?
39:55No, Swayna.
39:55So, Lispy's in the house, and Lispy's like, yeah, we love him, but, you know, he's got lispy.
40:00So, we're in the house...
40:02Brother's got lispy.
40:04So, Lispy's in his house, and Lispy's like, his dad, Lispy gets feelings.
40:06Lispy's like, dads, man, dads.
40:10This place is weird, dads.
40:12And I'm like, shut up, son, man, your mum's already angry at me, there's no electricity in the house, it's
40:15just dark in here.
40:16Anyway, so we found a couple lights, all the mood lighting, but, like, Lispy's there touching the walls, like, dad,
40:21all the walls hollow.
40:22I said, sometimes walls be like that, son.
40:26So, he's in the house, and everyone's, like, trying to settle in to this good vibe, OK?
40:31I've got the feeling, my wife's looking like, why are your eyes so wide?
40:35I'm like, Lispy says there's something weird in the house, I don't know what's going on.
40:39And so, Lispy's run up the stairs, he's touching all the walls upstairs, and he come back down, he goes,
40:44Dad, Dad, I want to show you something, Dad.
40:48So, I've gone upstairs with Lispy, and my wife is like, shit, I should have never married you.
40:53And then...
40:56LAUGHTER
40:56For God, upstairs, and in the room, and he's managed to get it open.
41:01So, it was locked, but Lisp's managed, he's very resourceful, Lisp.
41:05LAUGHTER
41:06He's managed to get it open.
41:07And in, in a se... I swear to God, in the centre of the room was a cabinet, a very
41:12ornate cabinet.
41:14No.
41:15And I was like, Lisp, where you find this?
41:17He goes, I don't know, it's in the room, Dad.
41:20LAUGHTER
41:20Because, look at this.
41:21Because it was locked at the door, but I was yanked on it now.
41:26LAUGHTER
41:26He goes, look at what's inside, Dad.
41:28He's opened it double-handed.
41:33He's gone, Dad, Dad, what's all that red stuff?
41:37No.
41:37And in this cupboard, in the middle of this already creepy Airbnb, there are vials of blood.
41:45LAUGHTER
41:46Lined up all across there.
41:48What?
41:48He said, Dad, Dad don't look good.
41:52LAUGHTER
41:53I said, no, he's not good!
41:54We left the house immediately, I called the driver, and the driver said,
41:59Brother, I told you, man.
42:01LAUGHTER
42:01We were supposed to be right here.
42:02Oh, my God.
42:03Never went back again.
42:04LAUGHTER
42:05Bloody hell.
42:06APPLAUSE
42:07Your life's good.
42:08We're lucky to be alive.
42:09Right?
42:10The weird thing is, like, days later, like, the Airbnb listing was gone.
42:15LAUGHTER
42:16So, big up Lispy.
42:18LAUGHTER
42:18He's the new love of my life.
42:20Yeah, genuinely.
42:21Right, so, we have almost come to the end.
42:25But before we close, this is quite a lot of pressure, but I just need to ask, the first date?
42:30It's been good?
42:30I think it's been good, yeah.
42:32Aw.
42:32We didn't ruin it then, no?
42:33No, not at all.
42:34I don't know what we're going to do for the next date.
42:37Like...
42:39LAUGHTER
42:40LAUGHTER
42:41And you're just saying, I can sort that out for you.
42:46Thank you.
42:46But maybe next time, I don't know, a dough ball and a drink.
42:51LAUGHTER
42:51If you're still together at the end of the year, you can come and watch my show,
42:54even if you like it or not.
42:56LAUGHTER
42:56Do you want to come see a musical about divorce?
42:58I would love it, yeah.
42:59Oh, yeah.
43:00We would.
43:00We'll be there.
43:01Awesome.
43:02Great.
43:02Do you need a follow?
43:02I was going to say, do you want to be carried out in all fours?
43:05LAUGHTER
43:07From a balcony at the Hammers with Apollo?
43:09I can do that.
43:10You want to come to yourself and shoot us?
43:13LAUGHTER
43:21That is it.
43:23We are off to play swing ball and talk more about tulips.
43:26I would like to thank my wonderful guest, Joanne McNally.
43:30CHEERING
43:38We are back next week when I'll be joined by Jimmy Carr, Chase Infinity and Lisa Kudrow.
43:45Thank you for watching.
43:46Good night.
43:47CHEERING
43:52Turn up your weekend with Sophie Alice Baxter's Kitchen Disco.
43:56Listen now on BBC Sounds.
43:58Here, it's a lip-sync smackdown for The Crown,
44:02the final of RuPaul's Drag Race UK vs. The World, next.
44:08APPLAUSE
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