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00:28Transcription by CastingWords
00:58CastingWords
01:28CastingWords
01:38CastingWords
01:40She's like what you do, my God.
01:45Honey.
01:49Ow!
01:57Oh, my God, is it our anniversary again?
02:00No, Al.
02:02Well, then what gives you the right to touch me?
02:05Because I'm tired of touching myself.
02:10Well, who can blame you?
02:13Al, I want to talk.
02:15And I want the same attention that you'd give one of your burps.
02:19And you think you've earned that, right?
02:23Honey, I know you love your burps.
02:25We all do.
02:26But if we could just put your gas aside just this once.
02:31Oh.
02:36After that one, of course.
02:39Now, come on, Al.
02:40It is Saturday night, and we are sitting at home alone doing nothing.
02:43Didn't used to be like that.
02:45Remember when we were young?
02:47No.
02:48Out every night.
02:50Living, loving, taking big mouthfuls of life.
02:53And then we met.
02:57But we had some great times.
02:59And we can again.
03:00Whatever we did then, we can do now.
03:02No, we can't, Peg, because now, when we make love, I don't get to go home.
03:07Peg, you're old.
03:08Revel in it.
03:10Get yourself some Q-tips and burp yourself to the grave, baby.
03:15Saturday night is for the young, not you.
03:20Oh, yeah, youth.
03:21Every kid in the world's got somewhere to go on Saturday night.
03:27Hi, Mom.
03:29Hi, Dad.
03:30Have you got any Popsicle sticks?
03:31I'm building a house.
03:36Save your pity.
03:37I'm not the only boy in this town without a date.
03:42Don't move, amigos.
03:43This one's for me.
04:00Saturday night is the night for a moray.
04:06Got me an older woman.
04:17Oh, now Bud's even more depressed.
04:20Say something to him, Al.
04:22Son?
04:23F-troop's on.
04:27F-troop?
04:28Of course.
04:30I'll have plenty of dates once F-troop is over.
04:32Plenty, I said.
04:36And, uh, by the way,
04:37in case you're wondering why I'm in my pajamas,
04:40I always wear them under my clothes,
04:41so I'm ready when a chick wants to go to bed.
04:48They know you're lying.
04:49No, they don't.
04:51Just stay cool.
04:55I don't think we can pull this off.
04:57Yes, we can.
04:59We've got them fooled.
05:00We've got everybody fooled.
05:03Are you sure?
05:05What's the difference?
05:06We still have each other.
05:13Al, we have to do something.
05:15Well, there's nothing left to do, Peg,
05:16except pick out the dress you want to wear
05:18when Dan Rather asked you
05:19why your son shot the president.
05:24I am talking about us.
05:26We have to improve our social life.
05:28And I have the answers right here.
05:31Now, Peg, those weren't the answers
05:33since they stood up by themselves.
05:37They're not alone in that, you know.
05:41Look, I just bought the new issue of Cosmo.
05:43Oh, now, Peg, no.
05:44Now?
05:45Now, look here.
05:46Those articles about married couples
05:47having sex every month,
05:49that's just a bunch of sensationalistic...
05:51Just a bunch of sensationalistic lies
05:54perpetrated on the public to sell magazines.
05:55It's just a bunch of hooey.
05:57That's all hooey.
05:58No normal man could...
05:59Oh, relax, Al.
06:01I'm not talking about sex.
06:08Honey, look, there's an article here.
06:11Is your marriage dead?
06:12Talk it alive.
06:14This says that we should talk every Saturday night.
06:17And that's what we're going to do,
06:18starting tonight.
06:19Now, we had plenty to talk about
06:21when we first met.
06:22Well, Peg, that was before I got to know you.
06:24There was a lot of things I had to find out,
06:27you know.
06:27There was stuff like, uh,
06:29how far will she really go on a six-pack?
06:31And, you know...
06:32You know, would it be any fun for you
06:34to watch me and your friend Joan?
06:36Or...
06:39Did she actually see Deep Throat?
06:42You know.
06:43Yeah, and there was that thing
06:44that I always kept wondering.
06:45You know, how could a man with such big feet
06:48have such a teeny-weeny, tiny, little...
06:51Peg!
06:51It's...
06:55Brain, honey.
06:57Oh, come on, Al.
06:59Let's talk.
07:00Fine.
07:01We'll talk.
07:09Don't you dare.
07:11We are talking here.
07:13No, Peg, I refuse to talk to my wife
07:14when I have a TV in the house.
07:15Al, I want to talk.
07:17Talk to me!
07:27Uh-oh.
07:28I'm out of gas.
07:32Aren't you supposed to turn the car off
07:34before you say that?
07:37Well, what's the difference?
07:39I mean, we both know I'm not out of gas.
07:41That's...
07:42Oh, very nice.
07:43Now we both do.
07:49God, I hate women.
07:51All right.
07:52Uh-oh.
07:54I'm out of gas.
07:56For real?
08:00Yeah.
08:02Wow.
08:03What a coinkydink, huh?
08:07Come here.
08:09Don't you want to talk first?
08:11No.
08:12If I wanted to talk,
08:13I'd be hanging out with the guys.
08:15And I wouldn't have had to shave.
08:18Come here.
08:20Come here?
08:21If I wanted to listen to one-word sentences,
08:23I would have been out with the girls,
08:25and I wouldn't have had to shave.
08:28You know, Kelly,
08:29I'm sure there's a lot more to you
08:31than me to the eye.
08:33Unfortunately, I don't really care about that part.
08:36So,
08:37why don't you just
08:39put out
08:40or get out, okay?
08:43Yeah.
08:45Girls gotta do what a girl's gotta do, huh?
08:47Exactly.
08:49Oh!
08:57It was good for me.
08:58Was it good for you?
09:00Have a nice walk home,
09:02tramp.
09:09Tramp?
09:10But I got out.
09:31Left, right, left, right, left, right, right.
09:38Must have forgotten a left somewhere.
09:41Oh, God,
09:42this walk has totally discombobled me.
09:44But as I learned long ago,
09:47it doesn't matter where you walk,
09:48just as long as you don't walk
09:50and chew gum at the same time.
09:56Left, right, left, right.
09:58God, it's so much easier.
09:59Look at me go.
10:00Left, right.
10:0314 miles?
10:04It was 15 before.
10:06It's just getting less.
10:09duty.
10:11Right, right, right.
10:16Hoo, hoo.
10:18Goes the owl.
10:20Moo, moo.
10:22Goes the cow.
10:24Oh, oh.
10:29Goes the girl with the ride home.
10:35So, we've certainly learned a lot about each other.
10:38We have no opinions on politics, religion, science,
10:43starving people, nuclear holocaust, or recycling.
10:48The only thing that we seem to feel strongly about
10:51is we both hate that painting behind Jay Leno.
10:55I do hate that thing.
10:56It's a terrible thing.
10:57I don't know why they would put it there.
10:58Four in the first place.
11:01Well, now that we've broken the eyes,
11:02let's talk about us.
11:08Yes!
11:11Mommy, Daddy, I did it.
11:13I did it.
11:14I got a date.
11:25Yep, no more sticky fingers for me.
11:35You know, from the popsicle sticks.
11:44Anyhow, I called every girl in college,
11:46and finally, when I got to the most beautiful girl in school,
11:49she's the one who said,
11:50thank you, bud.
11:51Please, please take me out.
11:53So, I guess I got something special after all.
11:55So, where's a good place to take a girl with the measles?
11:59You know, son, you're a mighty strange young fella.
12:04Maybe so, maybe so.
12:06Oh, but a strange young fella with a date.
12:11I know she's got a fever now,
12:13but wait till she feels the relief
12:15from a cool, long-necked bud against her head.
12:24Heck, I'm beginning to think
12:25the kid might have a problem or two.
12:28Yes, but we don't have the right kind of training
12:30or concern to handle it.
12:33So, tell me,
12:34what do you talk about with your friends?
12:36You can talk about those things with me.
12:38Well, Peg, I don't talk to my friends.
12:40You don't let me have any.
12:42I don't talk to anybody.
12:43I'm just not a talker.
12:45It's not you, Peg.
12:46It's just the way I am.
12:49Hey, Al.
12:50Jefferson, Jefferson, Jefferson,
12:51how you doing?
12:52All right.
12:53See the Bears game?
12:53Sure did.
12:54Hey, you think Perot's gonna be back in 96?
12:57Not a chance.
12:58Doesn't talk issues, my man.
13:00Oh, by the way,
13:00remind me to give you back that book you lent me.
13:02As you said it,
13:03ending was anticlimactic,
13:04but the read getting there
13:05was frankly compelling.
13:08You know,
13:09I got the camera that you recommended
13:10and the F1.2 lens
13:11was worth the extra money.
13:13Well, the faster the lens,
13:14the more available light you can use.
13:15Oh, by the way,
13:16did you know that Pavarotti
13:17is back in town?
13:18Hey!
13:21You got a brain
13:22that you're not using with me?
13:23That makes two things
13:24you're not using with me.
13:29Now, come on, Al.
13:30It's not like I want to be your friend
13:31or anything.
13:32I just want you to talk to me.
13:35Communication problem, eh?
13:37That started to happen to us.
13:39That is,
13:40until we read Cosmo's
13:41wonderful penetrating article,
13:43Is Your Marriage Dead?
13:45Talk It Alive.
13:46It certainly helped Jefferson.
13:48I didn't need any help
13:49because I'm naturally perky
13:51and quite fascinating.
13:54Actually, I don't really need Cosmo.
13:56But poor Jefferson does.
13:57Honey,
13:58tell everyone
13:59how that article
14:00on temporary male impotence
14:02has given you the courage
14:04to try, try again.
14:07You should see me so cute
14:09going,
14:09I think I can,
14:10I think I can,
14:11I think I can.
14:17Of course,
14:18that's after four times
14:19of making her shake
14:20like a California quake.
14:29And like Los Angeles,
14:30I'm still waiting
14:31for the big one.
14:38Well, I'd settle
14:39for an aftershock.
14:45Oh, you should see Al.
14:46No, I shouldn't.
14:50Oh, Snookums.
14:51It's kind of cute, though.
14:53It's like Groundhog's Day.
14:55Peeking out,
14:57seeing its own shadow,
14:58getting scared
14:59and running away.
15:03Not the shadow,
15:04it's scared of, Peg.
15:07It's cute as the Dickens, though.
15:10Yeah, well,
15:11not as cute
15:12as my little
15:13Bermuda triangle.
15:17Al, are you thinking
15:19what I'm thinking?
15:20Oh, I just might be.
15:22This chalk stuff
15:23doesn't work for us.
15:25Let's go upstairs.
15:27Well, that doesn't
15:27work for us either,
15:28but it's quick.
15:28We can get back down
15:29here and watch TV.
15:30Oh, Al.
15:31You said it, baby.
15:32Bye, Al.
15:38But you know, Al,
15:40it is Saturday night,
15:41so I must insist
15:42on foreplay.
15:44Oh, all right.
15:45Here you go.
15:46Goose!
15:47Goose!
15:52Goose!
15:53Well, you think
15:54we ought to go home
15:54and do it?
15:58Uh, make yourself
15:59some coffee.
16:00We'll be back
16:01in a second.
16:02Hey, Peg!
16:03I'm rounding third, baby!
16:06Gotta go!
16:1089 bottles of beer
16:11on the wall
16:1189 bottles of beer
16:13If one of those bottles
16:15should happen to fall
16:1980, 10 bottles
16:20of beer on the wall
16:26Hey.
16:32What are you guys doing?
16:33We have been by this
16:35deer crossing forever,
16:36but one hasn't come yet.
16:41Maybe we should just go.
16:44No, don't.
16:46Could be a trap.
16:48We could start to cross,
16:50and then a cop
16:51will throw a deer out here,
16:53and then we'll all be
16:54in the pokey
16:54sharing a cell
16:55with Mike Tyson.
16:56Hey!
16:59So, what are you guys
17:00doing here?
17:01Are you a car broken down?
17:03CBD?
17:04Or a put-out or get-out?
17:06Pugo.
17:07Pugo.
17:08Pugo.
17:09Yeah.
17:09I guess that makes us
17:11the three Pugoteers.
17:13Athos, Porthos,
17:14and Moe!
17:16Who are they?
17:19Uh, there are these guys
17:21from this book
17:21based on the candy bar.
17:26Well, we could wait
17:27here forever
17:28for a stupid deer
17:29to cross,
17:29but I guess we should
17:30do the sensible thing.
17:31Let's sit down
17:32and wait, okay?
17:36Oh, gosh.
17:38This road brings back
17:39memories of my old boyfriend,
17:41Tony DiBetetto.
17:42Did you used to
17:43come here with him?
17:44No.
17:45Why would you think that?
17:49Oh.
17:55Tramps.
17:58Hey, wait, officer.
17:59We need a ride home.
18:03Damn.
18:05Who does he think
18:05he is calling us tramps?
18:07Yeah.
18:07I resent that.
18:09We must have grown
18:10our underwear
18:11to get respect
18:11in this town.
18:13I mean,
18:14why do men
18:14call us tramps?
18:15Because they're morons.
18:17I mean,
18:18men are the real tramps.
18:20They'll do it
18:20for anyone,
18:21anytime,
18:22anyplace.
18:23Yeah.
18:26Oh, for instance,
18:27I was walking home
18:28from a date one time
18:29through the cemetery,
18:31and I heard
18:32these people wailing,
18:33oh, Grandpa,
18:34oh, Grandpa,
18:34and everybody's
18:35weeping and everything,
18:37and then I hear
18:37this guy go,
18:39Hooters,
18:39at five o'clock.
18:42And so,
18:43everyone turns
18:44to look at me,
18:45the pallbearers
18:46drop the casket,
18:47Grandpa's head
18:48comes rolling out.
18:51It was a railroad accident.
18:54And all the men
18:55from the funeral
18:56come running up
18:56to me going,
18:57God, I love Grandpa,
18:58let's do it
18:59in his casket.
19:01Men are tramps.
19:03Yeah, they sure are.
19:05And we do not,
19:06as rumored,
19:07spend our lives
19:08on our backs.
19:09Hey,
19:10isn't that
19:11the Constellation Orion?
19:12I can't tell.
19:14Wait a second.
19:18Yep,
19:19it is.
19:20Pretty.
19:21Hey.
19:23Hey.
19:24Hey.
19:24Hi.
19:26Come on, stop.
19:30Hi, Kelly.
19:34I know you've been punished
19:36because, uh,
19:38you had to spend
19:39the last hour Ralph-less.
19:40But,
19:41being that I'm
19:42a forgiving guy,
19:43I'm willing to
19:44let you hop in
19:45and partake
19:47in the nectar
19:48that is I.
19:53I'm with my friends,
19:54so, uh,
19:55why don't we all
19:56go into the field
19:56and we can fight over you?
19:58You know,
19:58pull each other's hair
19:59and roll around
20:01until our dress is right up
20:02or get ripped to shreds
20:03or something?
20:04Well,
20:05I guess, um,
20:07Ralph enough for three?
20:13Oh, wait.
20:13And, Ralph,
20:14um,
20:15why don't you
20:16pull your pants down,
20:17you know,
20:17to further fire
20:19our ardor?
20:20All right.
20:21But hold each other's hands.
20:23I don't want anyone
20:23to get frightened.
20:28All right.
20:29Here comes
20:30a big slice of heaven.
20:40Hey!
20:41Stupid tramps!
20:42That's not the field.
20:44That's my car.
20:45And that
20:46is not even
20:47Ralph enough for one.
20:55So long, sucker!
20:57Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a second.
20:59How am I supposed to get home?
21:01Walk in these,
21:03butthead!
21:22Hey, buddy.
21:23How's it going?
21:25My car broke down.
21:28So what are you so happy about?
21:30Because it broke down on my way home from the date.
21:33I just got me some.
21:39Well, I was out with this girl.
21:42I bought her popcorn, took her to the movies, everything.
21:45She wouldn't put out.
21:47Some tramp named Kelly Bundy.
21:52So I guess it was her loss, huh?
21:54Definitely.
22:00Well, uh, I better get on home.
22:03I just got the measles, and I'm really contagious.
22:16Consider that a present from Kelly.
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