00:00And clap. Take five, everybody. Great job.
00:04Hi, I'm so- Ow, f-
00:06Hi, I'm pornographer extraordinaire Michael Caine.
00:09You may know me from my films King Dong, One Flew Over the Cuckold's Chest,
00:13and my musical homage to Grease, Lube.
00:16I'm here on the set of my next motion picture, my first mainstream picture, a horror picture.
00:21And I'd like to share with you all this coming attraction.
00:26It's certainly coming, coming to this theater.
00:29I think our cast make it an attraction.
00:32You see, this picture starred as adult superstar Rock Hartigan, unlike you've ever seen him before.
00:37Clothed. Well, most.
00:40And joining him as a newcomer to the screen, Penelope Flav-
00:44To sure. Flankens.
00:46Flaversham.
00:47Now sit back and squeeze your sweetheart's hand tight as I introduce you to the most terrifying motion picture event
00:53of 2026.
00:59All aboard. Let the party begin.
01:04Five friends on spring break.
01:07Camp Haywood?
01:09Some heavy stuff went down out there.
01:11Could be dangerous, I suppose.
01:13Heading to a camp-
01:14Huh?
01:14With a mysterious past.
01:16Oh, God!
01:17No!
01:18You don't talk much, do you?
01:20Oh, be nice.
01:21Her parents are dead.
01:22That's what parents do.
01:24And a killer out for blood.
01:26You don't have to do this.
01:28Oh!
01:29There's a strict curfew at dusk tonight.
01:31A curfew?
01:32That's right.
01:34At dusk.
01:36In a film dripping with horror.
01:42Overflowing with sex.
01:47You're gonna need a different shirt.
01:50What do you mean?
01:51This one's broken.
01:52Oh!
01:54What if you don't come back?
01:56I'm coming back.
01:57I promise.
01:59With romance.
02:01For the agents.
02:04This place is super spooky.
02:06Somebody died here.
02:09In even more horror.
02:12The killer's still out there.
02:13Still out here.
02:15First, there was Friday the 13th.
02:18Now 56 Fridays later,
02:21comes Friday the 69th.
02:30You're going to come,
02:31but you may never leave.
02:33You're going to die here.
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