00:00Police Constable Simmons.
00:01Yeah?
00:01I'm Benson QC. I've been briefed for the prosecution.
00:04Right.
00:05I've read your statement, and whereas I admire the candor, I do find the language, shall we say, a mite
00:09colloquial.
00:10So, with your permission, since it has to be read out in court, I thought we might go over it
00:13together with a view to give me a final polish.
00:15We all right.
00:16Your first statement, then.
00:17I saw two arseholes trying to nick a set of weed.
00:19No polish needed there, then?
00:20Perhaps not in your opinion, but I thought it might read better if we said,
00:23I saw two men acting suspiciously near a parked vehicle.
00:26Yeah, if you want to use legal jargon, you just go ahead.
00:28Yes, good.
00:28Now, this next part.
00:30One of them's scarpered, but I grab the tall, thin bastard, and I need him squarely in the bollocks.
00:35That's a mistake, that.
00:36A mistake, right.
00:37Yeah, it should be tall, fat bastard.
00:38That makes all the difference, of course.
00:40Much better.
00:41Why don't we just say, one ran away, but I apprehended the other after a violent struggle?
00:45Yeah, and tell that judge my knees still hurts.
00:47Your knees still hurts.
00:48Okay, then.
00:49Back at the station, me and some of my mates from A Division dragged the fat pillock down to the
00:53cells and knocked seven bells of crap out of there.
00:55Yeah, but he called me a pig, didn't he?
00:56He called you a pig, didn't he?
00:57No, but you can tell he was thinking about it.
Comments