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Short filmTranscript
00:00We started with 10 comedians.
00:03It's like the first day of school.
00:04And just one rule.
00:06Do.
00:07Not.
00:08Laugh.
00:10Are you doing bubble right?
00:12Or burp.
00:13Oh!
00:14Or squirt sausages at a nice old lady.
00:17Oh dear.
00:18But one by one, they're cracked.
00:20No!
00:21Whoa, Sam!
00:2310 has become 4.
00:26I've got to give you a red card.
00:31His eye looks like a grape in a tumble dryer.
00:40Who will go the distance and be the last one laughing?
00:44Okay, that was definitely a laugh.
00:57Go!
00:58Go!
00:59Go!
01:10Go!
01:12Go!
01:14Go!
01:15Go!
01:16Go!
01:17Go!
01:18Go!
01:19Go!
01:20Go!
01:21Go!
01:23Go!
01:24Go!
01:25Go!
01:26got 40 minutes left so we're gonna go sudden death oh wow okay we've not got
01:34much time left if anyone laughs it's a red card oh
01:39what are you doing there Jimmy I've got to go I've got to be quick hey look at
01:46them gun doors doors fuck's sake Jimmy as I live and breathe do you want a hand Jimmy be okay
02:15if they didn't laugh at that they're not gonna for anything no no
02:21you're really happy aren't you I might just need that there doors
02:30he's left his freaking little sofa thing
02:46did you see that I bumped into the door yeah I thought I started out it was a
02:54little panic in your voices you went doors that was so good god damn it Bob's
03:09gonna get a song is that his laptop yes love song darling yes please would you
03:18join me I'd like to tell you about my true feelings for you so just relax yeah
03:28just wrote a few words for you
03:34you are the love of my life would you one day be my wife cause if you would I would
03:46give up the booze tend to your crops and sterilize your loo both of those things I would do for
03:57you cause you are the love of my life you are the hobbit I adore I'll buy you meat and
04:09what's more if we were
04:13together I'd stop drinking bitter I'd polish your shoes and mend the leak in your shitter
04:20both of these things I would do for you cause you are the love of my life
04:30thank you I hope in some way that helped it did help yes very moving and I liked the way
04:38you rhymed
04:38bitter and shitter thank you that's I couldn't think of anything else I think David Mitchell might
04:44be unbreakable David have you ever dropped a Bible onto like a dog or something
04:55not onto a dog you're pretty certain that you've got a good grip when it's a well I'm not having
05:00a Bible
05:01yeah I think you probably do I'd probably do accord it favorite shape favorite shape square nine bits of
05:07advice nine so that's hog David um or try and get your tax bill done early don't smoke uh don't
05:19tell
05:19people not to smoke learn to drive I wish I'd learn to drive do you not drive David it's not
05:27to live my
05:27friend no but that wouldn't you know a bit of practice on that wouldn't be it she wouldn't speak
05:36do you want to have a go Dave I mean quite fun is it yeah it's great David on a
05:40pool face fun and
05:41it's good well that's true you know I mean there we go there he goes I'm going very tentatively go
05:50through the gap see I can't really steer right here's Romesh's rap book readers okay let's have a
05:59look come on right I think David's playing a good game he's gonna try to take them all out yeah
06:04it's a lovely tree isn't it that's how you dreamed of your rap soon performed banned from kiss chase
06:10this is called David finding my rap book I mean even saying the words of 47 year old father of
06:16three
06:16my rap book please smash me in the face it was like somebody finding a pair of your skiddy underpants
06:24my romantic struggle started early when I was eight the whole class played kiss chase and I was
06:29banned from participating do it in a rap way though David was in a rap way
06:39my romantic struggle started early is that more rap that was deep rap yeah yeah go deeper Dave
06:47David might go my romantic struggle started early when I was eight the whole class it doesn't scan
06:55it's the introduction that's not the actual you know the whole class played kiss chase and I was
07:01banned from participating mainly by the kids but the teacher admitted they had their reasons
07:06oh sorry this is just an introductory paragraph to the rap this makes a lot more sense go on Dave
07:16kiss chase kiss chase please kiss my face you'll need to slow down though I'm not good in a race
07:22kiss chase please kiss me although I am smelly I struggle with B.O. and don't watch under my belly
07:27that was hard drop sorry I'm not taking the blame for that David Mitchell could read a Kendrick Lamar
07:36lyric and ruin it oh hi Sam could you get David to do his Joker please Vladimir Putin has been
07:53assassinated who it's time for David's Joker my Joker I think it yeah I think okay yeah okay let's go
08:02this way he's got two jokers oh my god this is so exciting do you want to have a waltz
08:09with me Bob no
08:10okay hello sorry just before I start a bit of explanation about this one I've worked
08:23with a lot of stand-up comedians over the years but I've never done stand-up I feel I know
08:28you I
08:29thought this would be a very trusting environment just to try it out oh no anyway just a bit of
08:36stand-up comedy from me please go for it go for it be supportive absolutely okay quick reminder if
08:42anyone laughs red card ladies and gentlemen he hasn't tried stand-up before so please give him a big hand
09:00I know what you're thinking David Mitchell's let himself go oh it's this thing on fuck fuck
09:18um okay yes so um I went uh on a dating app the other day um as a result of
09:30which my my wife
09:31has left me uh in in retrospect I I shouldn't have used her email but uh
09:39didn't want the spam um uh cats and dogs um so cats and dogs
09:53they're overwhelmingly similar aren't they domesticated mammalian quadrupeds the lot of them
10:00Bob Bob Bob's in trouble so no no point in anthropomorphic no no one anthropomorphic
10:08fundamentally they're the same thing they they live in the house and they won't try to kill you
10:11oh you know although they have been terrible terrible news so let's just no move along
10:23I'm sorry wait where are you from Middlesbrough sorry no I'll keep the where where you're from
10:30Middle sPad tuikum how he said fucking him honestly what a fucking fucking him where fucking and fucking
10:39him sure it's weird are you are you together not really what are you doing
10:46with him that's going nowhere um observational stuff um okay so what
11:03about what's the deal with assisted dying
11:10who wants assistance dying it's the last thing you want and what's next assisted
11:15stubbing your toe assisted being late for work assisted stepping on a plug
11:24assisted falling over assist what other bad assisted being in a traffic jam assisted food poisoning
11:36assisted getting a bag back why do people want assistance dying hmm it's a serious topic
11:47you know obviously you're quite right there's um they're in a lot of pain it's the bottom line is
11:53it's it's no existence for some people anyway that's all i've got time for um so have a great trip
12:00back
12:00to fuckingham
12:04you idiots
12:07uh thanks you've been a great audience i'm david mitchell good night
12:14that's the closest bob's come yeah definitely it's not alan woods yet sam's going to try and
12:19finish him off go on sam i didn't mind that i thought he was all right i enjoyed that very
12:25much
12:27he was good he was extremely funny yeah bright future that was right up my street and he's very good
12:38where are you from middlesbrough fuckingham
12:43you know it's a few wrinkles to iron out but please i can book i can book the o2 i
12:49think no wrinkles as
12:50far as i was concerned what sort of usually tickles your funny bone you should have asked that six
12:56hours ago shouldn't you i like innuendo like a clever innuendo well you're as dry as a divorcee's
13:06martini a what what you're as dry as a divorcee's martini what's the innuendo there
13:19it's a simile yeah why would a divorcee have a particularly dry martini
13:28do you mean dry as in just sort of dry
13:39can i show you please do dave let's get let's get close i'm a bit worried what's this what's he
13:46got
13:47there's a thing on that well the put it delicate it's on the bottom of my back
13:53mm-hmm it's changed do you want me to investigate well i've taken it i've taken a picture i just
14:00love your your opinion really i mean
14:05what do you think there's this sort of metallic blue
14:12it's sort of you see the skin around it is disrupted do you want me to have a look let's
14:16just
14:16sort of zoom out a bit maybe oh actually no it's fine sorry it's a hot cross bun sorry that's
14:24not
14:24there just it's just hot cross bun sorry oh this is it this is it you see that's sorry that's
14:34just
14:35that's you see oh oh oh looks to me like you've got lunch and meat of the back right yeah
14:43yeah
14:49bob immediately spotted it and his luncheon meat he's he's got up close with a lot of lunch and
14:55meat he's probably woken up to that view i'm so intimately involved with luncheon mates and spams
15:04that i knew straight away what i was looking at
15:11okay i'm going back in there okay i'll deal with this
15:18okay i've got to get in somehow they're going to go head to head doors hey oh hello who's in
15:24hey jimmy he's not so happy sorry uh bob mel please join me on stage for a head-to-head
15:29challenge hey
15:32we are going to test your knowledge of the animal kingdom what i'll let you to do is look your
15:37partner
15:38in the eye it's a game i call nature calls i'd like you to in turn look your partner in
15:46the eye and make
15:47the noise you think this animal makes mel you're to go first a coquettish bee one moment
16:06okay bob a drunk elephant
16:13boom
16:33diabete
16:35interesting
16:38i know
16:41Now they've both got twitches.
16:47Bobby, duck from Belfast.
16:49No.
16:53Crack?
17:02Crack?
17:04Sounds a bit Norwegian to me.
17:07He's been there, yeah, but he's based in Belfast.
17:10He's done the tour.
17:13Well-travelled.
17:15I was thinking Dutch. That was crazy.
17:18Definitely European.
17:21Crack?
17:22That's more Oslo than Belfast.
17:24I'd need more Belfast, Bob.
17:25Crack!
17:26That's definitely more Oslo.
17:29Crack!
17:31Oh, my God!
17:33How can you survive that?
17:36Okay, Mel.
17:37A Geordie monkey.
17:44Whoa-oh-oh-oh!
17:48It is very good. That is what they sound like.
17:52Oh, that is so crap!
17:56Bob, a cool goat.
18:09Yeah, that was pretty cool.
18:12Mel, a flamboyant frog.
18:15Ribbit, ribbit.
18:19Ribbit, ribbit.
18:21Ribbit.
18:21This is very naughty.
18:23Ribbit, ribbit.
18:28Ribbit, ribbit.
18:31Bob, easy one for you.
18:33A Randy Dolphin.
18:34Ribbit, ribbit.
18:42It is very far away.
18:45Very far away.
18:46Can you come a bit closer, please?
18:49Really?
18:50No, the dolphin.
18:53Pardon me.
18:57Hi-ya, baby.
19:06Mel's gone. She's gone. No. No.
19:14You'd like to take your seats? We'll take a look at the clip.
19:17Having to do those animal noises at very, very close quarters with Mortimer,
19:22I think it was a quick bark of a laugh. It was like that.
19:26Couldn't pull it back and I knew I'd lost it then.
19:28That was extraordinarily fun. Let's take a look.
19:32Bob, easy one for you. A Randy Dolphin.
19:38Hi-ya, baby.
19:44Mel? I'm gone. Oh, Mel.
19:46That was a laugh disguised. It was fun though, wasn't it?
19:48It was brilliant. I loved that every...
19:52I don't want to go. I must go.
19:54You have to go, but you've done very, very well.
19:56Please come with me. Oh, my God.
19:58And then there were three. Thanks, Mel.
20:00We honour you. OK.
20:02Guys, be strong. See you, Mel.
20:04Doors.
20:09I thought you were out first. You did so well.
20:12I honestly thought you'd be gone in seconds.
20:16Well done!
20:19You did so well.
20:21Oh, God. Brilliant.
20:23You were so brilliant. Relax, that shit.
20:24I've done something permanent.
20:27Mel survived the drunk elephant and the duck from Belfast,
20:30but the Randy Dolphin got her.
20:32It's game over for Gedroych.
20:36You ain't laughing, are you, Sam?
20:38I don't know what's going on. I think I have found his own.
20:41But I know what you mean.
20:43Well, I guess it answers the question,
20:44how long does it take people to go utterly mad in a room?
20:47Yeah.
20:49You are the love of my life.
20:52I will treasure that.
20:54And I'll hold you to it.
20:55I'm going to ask everyone, who do you think is going to win?
20:59Sam.
21:00Sam.
21:01Sam.
21:02Sam.
21:03Sam.
21:03Sam.
21:04Everyone's saying Sam. I'm going to go David Mitchell.
21:06OK, let's restart the game.
21:08This sucks.
21:12We're off again.
21:13OK.
21:25Do you have a special name for a Wii that you do if you get up in the night?
21:31No.
21:32No.
21:32Not a special name.
21:35Bob's going for David now.
21:37Well, I do one regularly.
21:42Right.
21:44Could I recommend calling it a Chadwick?
21:47Chadwick's not bad.
21:48A Chadwick, yes.
21:50I'm just...
21:51Yeah, I'm just...
21:52Sorry, I was Chadwick.
21:53Just...
21:55Just Chadwick-ing.
21:58Come on, Jimmy.
22:09Fucking hell.
22:10I got you with Chadwick.
22:12Bob's gone.
22:13OK.
22:19Another one bites the dust.
22:21Oh, Bob!
22:22No way!
22:24Doors.
22:28Hey, Jimmy.
22:29Oh, Bob.
22:30Take a look.
22:31Could I recommend calling it a Chadwick?
22:34Chadwick's not bad.
22:35A Chadwick, yes.
22:36I'm just...
22:38Yeah, I'm just...
22:39Sorry, I was Chadwick.
22:40Just...
22:41Just Chadwick-ing.
22:49Fucking hell.
22:51That's the way to go.
22:53The champion has been defeated.
22:55Mr. Mitchell did me.
22:56Did you with your own Chadwick?
22:58I got David Mitchell talking about his early evening movement.
23:04I think he just caught me off guard.
23:07It just made me laugh.
23:08Now, one of you has got more cards for other people than the other one.
23:12We've got five minutes remaining.
23:13If neither of you laugh in the next five minutes,
23:15the person who has caused the most laughs will be the winner.
23:18The laugh assassin?
23:19The laugh assassin, yeah.
23:21Nice.
23:21Bob, come with me.
23:23Good luck, lads.
23:24Good luck to you.
23:24It's been a pleasure.
23:27Doors.
23:28I'll watch you, man.
23:28I think, where have you been all my life?
23:30All right.
23:31Yeah, yeah, yeah.
23:31Sorry, then.
23:32I mean...
23:33Yeah.
23:34You did very well again.
23:35Not so bad.
23:36Yeah, bronze.
23:37Bronze this time.
23:38Bronze?
23:39Yeah.
23:39That's good.
23:41The chat turned to late-night wheeze,
23:43and Bob simply couldn't hold it any longer.
23:45Our reigning champion is out.
23:48Bobby!
23:51Bob Mortimer, everyone.
23:52Bobby!
23:54Well done, Bob.
23:55Well done.
23:56Well done.
23:57Well done, mate.
24:00Bob, come and take a seat over here.
24:03I've never been in here before.
24:04Lovely.
24:05Nice.
24:06Lovely to have you.
24:07Let's restart the game.
24:09I've got this killer question I think is just going to do you,
24:11but I don't want to waste it.
24:12No.
24:12There we go.
24:18David, how many emails do you get most days?
24:22Both are so incapable of an authentic chat, aren't they?
24:27Well, it varies.
24:28Maybe 20.
24:30Promotional or social?
24:32Oh, I don't get much spam.
24:34Mainly admin.
24:38This doesn't feel very natural conversation, does it?
24:41No, no.
24:42We're very different people.
24:44We are really different people.
24:47We're different, okay?
24:49And congrats for making it to the final two.
24:51I think it's nothing to sneeze at, you know?
24:52No.
24:52It's pretty awesome.
24:54Yeah.
24:55Likewise.
24:56Yeah.
24:57I think we've done...
24:57We've acquitted ourselves well.
25:00Dave might go, you know.
25:01I don't think Sam's going.
25:03Sam is invincible.
25:06I'm going back in.
25:07Go on, Jim.
25:09Good luck.
25:09Let's seal the deal.
25:10Come on.
25:11What would you do if you were you?
25:12I would do mine.
25:13I think the shouting was kind of nice.
25:14Let's go back to the shouting.
25:16Yeah.
25:17Okay.
25:17We've got to find a winner.
25:20Doors.
25:23They can operate that better than that puff.
25:27Hi, guys.
25:28Congratulations on making it this far.
25:31Yes.
25:31Please take a seat.
25:34As a special treat, I've got some delicious food for you.
25:38You can eat as much as you like, but there is a catch.
25:40You have to feed each other.
25:42Are you happy to do that?
25:43I'm happy to do that.
25:44Go for it.
25:45I couldn't survive this, could you?
25:47Not somebody feed him.
25:49And what's the policy on feeding frenzies?
25:51Er, we're all in favour of it.
25:54Yeah, yeah.
25:54Doors.
25:55Okay.
25:57Oh, my God, there's so many items there.
26:00What would you go for?
26:00I'd go hand on eclair.
26:03Hand feed eclair.
26:04I think, I think, I think I would go eclair and then a proper actual mush.
26:10Do you like some squirty cream?
26:12Yeah.
26:25Oh, my God.
26:31Oh, my God.
26:32Oh, my God.
26:36Oh, my God.
26:41Oh, no.
26:42That's a great line.
26:44That's a great line.
26:44I mean, it's a bit dated, but...
26:47Oh, I think that's just the gas.
26:51That was like...
26:52Oh!
26:53Sorry.
26:53I'm sorry, David.
26:54Sorry, David.
26:55Sorry.
26:55Oh, no.
26:56I can't make it stop.
26:56Sorry.
26:57Don't make it sexual.
26:58No, no, no.
26:59Whatever you do.
27:00Oh, David.
27:04Has it at all got in my beard?
27:07Just a smidgen.
27:09This is so wrong.
27:11What are we watching?
27:13Ever seen a little flick, Lady and the Trap?
27:16Oh.
27:17I think you'd have to take control of one end.
27:19Yeah, yeah.
27:19Okay.
27:25Oh, my God!
27:32My mouth isn't big enough.
27:34There's always room for more.
27:35Jelly.
27:36Oh, a bit of jelly.
27:37Could some not even a flicker.
27:40Right.
27:41There we go.
27:41Mmm.
27:43You've got to savour it.
27:44Does it taste funny?
27:45It doesn't ever.
27:46Why aren't you laughing, then?
27:48David, you need to have some of this jelly.
27:50It is so good.
27:51Okay.
27:51Okay.
27:51We need a really nice big bit.
27:53There we go.
27:53Here it comes.
27:54Here comes the aeroplane.
27:55Oh, with circle in the runway.
27:58Oh, here we go.
27:59Uh-oh.
28:00Turbulence.
28:00We've got to stay in there.
28:01This is like CCTV footage of a nursing home.
28:09Banana?
28:11You think so?
28:12Yeah, okay.
28:14They say they're easier to peel from the counterintuitive end.
28:17I read that in the trades.
28:21That lean-in could have been amusing many hours ago.
28:23Yes.
28:24But now that part of me has died.
28:26It's gone.
28:29Can I tell you this?
28:30One minute to go.
28:34Eat it.
28:36Oh!
28:37Ah!
28:37I'm bored!
28:39I'm bored!
28:39Ah!
28:44Mmm!
28:45Is it banana-y?
28:46It's really good.
28:47Mm-hmm.
28:48Maybe the potassium.
28:51If you like me.
28:53Oh, yeah. I do like you.
28:54Yes.
28:56I don't want that.
28:57Because I really like you.
28:59I feel.
29:00It's starting to become something of a fascination.
29:06You want chips?
29:07No, we probably shouldn't have had dessert before the year.
29:09Yeah, as a savoury pudding, they're stone cold.
29:12Go on.
29:15You can't like that.
29:18OK, we're going to count down.
29:20You have ten seconds remaining.
29:22Ten.
29:22OK, quick.
29:24Nine.
29:25Oh, my days.
29:27Eight.
29:28David!
29:28Seven.
29:31Six.
29:32This has been such a nice experience.
29:35Five.
29:35Chip!
29:37Four.
29:37How's this chip?
29:39Three.
29:40Two.
29:41I've been blowing out hard for the division.
29:44One.
29:53Wow.
29:55Amazing.
29:56That's incredible.
30:05One.
30:09One.
30:11One.
30:12One.
30:13One.
30:24One.
30:26One.
30:27One.
30:27You've both played an incredible game.
30:30One of you.
30:31Will be declared the winner of last one laughing.
30:35And I can tell you, the person that caused the most laughs today.
30:42Is...
30:43Whoa, Sam!
30:49He's gone right red.
30:54Sorry, I was just Chadwick-ing.
31:02David Mitchell.
31:06Thank you very much.
31:12We have a winner!
31:16Well done!
31:17Congratulations, thank you.
31:19Let me kiss you on your shoulder.
31:23Oh, he's so sweet!
31:25Now, how do you gents feel?
31:27That was quite insane,
31:29because I think we disappeared into a place where there was no laughter.
31:34I have to say, for all of the bleakness at the end,
31:37I am delighted to win.
31:38And I think that shows a want of character in me.
31:42But I was very pleased.
31:44What was the closest you came to laughing today?
31:46Um, Alan Carr.
31:47Just when I would check him out,
31:49sometimes he would really crack me up.
31:50Yeah, I came close quite a few times early.
31:54You were both absolutely unbreakable.
31:56I kept thinking this driver was telling me about
31:58we're going up in foster care,
32:00and it was, like, really harrowing.
32:01And I've just been thinking about that
32:02to get to this place.
32:05Is David Mitchell a worthy winner?
32:06Absolutely.
32:07The guy is a pro.
32:09Roisin, come through with the others and the trophy.
32:12Oh, wow!
32:14Yay!
32:16I'm really pleased that David won.
32:18He did so much,
32:20and on the strength of his singing and dancing alone,
32:24I think he deserved it.
32:26Oh!
32:27Ah!
32:28Here they are.
32:29So fun.
32:30I've had a lovely day.
32:31I loved it.
32:33Oh, my God!
32:34It went to the Mitch,
32:36and I think he was very, very flipping solid all the way through.
32:41You're entertaining, you're making other people laugh,
32:44but you're solid yourself.
32:46Absolutely worthy of the trove.
32:50Well done.
32:51Thank you, everyone.
32:52He was funny.
32:53He was sharp.
32:55He was just really good entertainment.
32:57So I'm really pleased he won.
32:59Well done!
33:00Well done!
33:01That was Last One Laughing season two.
33:04David Mitchell is the winner.
33:06I mean, they're all winners.
33:07We've had a tremendous time.
33:08Yay!
33:11Rocky!
33:14David's a formidable force just because of his wit and his brain.
33:18Well done, David.
33:19Nice job.
33:19It was just a terrifically funny group of people.
33:24I was honoured to be in their company,
33:27to be chosen alongside them.
33:29It just genuinely felt, oh, this is nice.
33:34That's our show, everyone.
33:36Thanks for watching.
33:38Good night.
34:33We'll see you next time.
34:35Thanks for eating!
34:37We'll see you next time.
34:38you
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