- 3 hours ago
Bait S01E01-2 (2026) [Full Movie] [Free Online HD]Full EP - Full
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:06You
00:42I suppose the term safe house is no longer apt.
00:47Nothing you touch is ever safe, is it?
00:52I told you not to come after me.
00:54James, she knows everything I know.
01:00If you have terrible taste in hostages, Wentworth was the mole.
01:05Could have just as easily aimed a few centimeters higher.
01:10Then it wouldn't have mattered to you at all, would it?
01:14Just as long as you're pleasing your masters.
01:18Tell me, when it's just you, all alone, how do you live with yourself?
01:26Do you even know who you are?
01:37Coming in?
01:38Loring?
01:39Harp!
01:39Sorry.
01:40Sorry.
01:43Sorry.
01:44Sorry, Helen.
01:45It's all good.
01:46It's all good.
01:47It's just we're on a bit of a schedule.
01:50Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
01:50Quick reset back to once.
01:51I'll nail it this time.
01:52How are you blowing this audition?
01:54I know this speech.
01:56I know it.
01:57Yeah, you fucked it up every time at the exact same moment.
02:02What is this, a prank show, wearing a hidden camera?
02:04It's funny.
02:05No, I just have a very particular process.
02:07I've got my head around it now.
02:08I'm ready.
02:09Sorry, guys.
02:10You just said we had to...
02:10Yeah, well, just a minute.
02:11Sorry.
02:12How was your weekend?
02:13That's good, thanks.
02:13How was yours?
02:13Great.
02:14Yeah, what did you do?
02:15Just...
02:16Yeah, thanks.
02:16Thanks, Jim.
02:17This is my set...
02:19Stop it.
02:20Sorry.
02:21You know what?
02:22They didn't want to see you.
02:24I had to convince them.
02:25So this is on me.
02:26I've got a confession to make.
02:29I'm lightheaded from fasting.
02:31It's the holy muslim month.
02:34It's called Ramadan.
02:37It involves no eating and drinking in the day.
02:40I'm lightheaded from...
02:41If I can have a bit of a cultural understanding.
02:43Well, I've just seen you drink apple juice.
02:45Six takes in a row.
02:47I tried.
02:48Just a shame you didn't.
02:52Thanks so much for coming in, Sharon.
02:54We'll be in touch.
03:04You want to know what it's like doing the dirty work?
03:07Fighting everybody and being nobody.
03:13I don't live with myself.
03:14I live with whoever you need me to be.
03:18The blood on my hands is mine.
03:20Because I kill a part of myself every day
03:24if I don't know who I am.
03:26Because you don't want to.
03:31You knew it.
03:33You knew it.
03:35What's wrong with you?
03:38Do you know who you are?
03:39I'll tell you who you are.
03:41You're a fucking failure.
03:43Who just shat on your last chance
03:45of being somebody.
03:47You should be ashamed of yourself.
03:49You are ashamed of yourself.
03:50Because you're ashamed of your family.
03:52You're fucking nobody.
03:53You're nothing.
03:53You're just a fucking...
03:54Dumb fucking baggy.
04:05Um...
04:07Come in.
04:10Um...
04:11I, uh...
04:13Forgot to grab your mic.
04:16Joe!
04:18Joe!
04:27Joe!
04:27Joe!
04:27Joe!
04:27Joe!
04:28Joe!
04:29Joe!
04:29Joe!
04:29Joe!
04:30Joe!
04:31Joe!
04:31Joe!
04:32Joe!
04:33Joe!
04:34Joe!
04:34Joe!
04:34Joe!
04:34Joe!
04:34Joe!
04:36Joe!
04:36Joe!
04:57I'm just, you know, there's a photographer camped out front, so I'm going to take you down the side.
05:02Oh, yeah, yeah.
05:03The press gets a pic of anyone who's auditioned and the whole Bond rumor mill goes crazy.
05:10Sorry, you know what? I just realized I left my charger in the dressing room.
05:13Oh, I'm happy to come with.
05:14I'll go and grab it. Another way.
05:16Are you sure?
05:16Thank you, though. Thanks a lot.
05:17Okay.
05:32You all right?
05:43You all right?
06:05Oh
06:15Hey
06:19mate i'm a huge fan since you're talented no no i'm not yes you are you're an exceptional actor
06:25i want you to know that thank you man this is like a little video for my girlfriend heather
06:29she's like obsessed with you dude yeah yeah hey check it out walking down the street guess what
06:33i've been to dev patel what deb patel just walking down the street say something about slum dog she
06:45lost on them it was an amazing honor to be part of slum dog millionaire it was a great film
06:51that
06:51people loved that i loved i loved that film and i mean my family my community i mean internationally
06:56he's not dev patel what he's not dev patel look how short he is
07:04davis tall strong handsome our gujarati hero hello shah jahan latif are you the shah jahan place
07:12who's shah's shah's shah's shah latif shah that that's me
07:20can we go please no problem
07:27assalamualaikum mr latif i hope you are enjoying your muba experience and that
07:31here temperature is of enjoyment for you i asked for a silent ride on the app so
07:36so just one thing where are you from because you are looking like the packy but you are talking
07:41like the honky-tonky you know or to like the jahadi mother who would cut sphincter sphincter
07:46well that's a boss you like a lot of things came to me thanks for picking me up bro come
07:51on
07:51i appreciate it what's my posture please you're awesome i'm talking love it hey listen um you bring the
07:56watch yeah yeah i couldn't find it you couldn't find it you didn't look i didn't look i'll be busy
08:00okay what do you always say oh you're a dickhead what the is this doing here i was gonna tell
08:06you
08:07ain't it but basically i need that for my cars bro there's no brown dolls for saying like that it's
08:11weird it's not a dog bro it's a limited edition collectible action figure of me from my film you
08:15gotta ask me before you use my likeness you need to chew your tits first of all this don't even
08:19look
08:20like you and second of all you got a hundred of these many dildos lying around in the garage it's
08:24not
08:24a dildo look like a dildo to me and i need it for my fleet anyway fleet all right well
08:28you and six guys
08:29here it's 26 actually yes these have been going very well there's some serious investors interested
08:38what say mashallah but if you're gonna say it's a problem right investors know that nobody needs a
08:45muslim uber bro uber in london's already muslim right every next driver's named abdi listen to me
08:50we drive that thing but we need to own our team and i want us to own this thing okay
08:55and if you're
08:56strapped for personal right now i'll take you on as a driver i don't mind i don't need any money
09:00from you bro yeah i got stuff there's no why i heard i got stuff cooking what you got cooking
09:04i can't tell
09:04you huh this top secret i signed an nda you ain't signed no nda i did non-disclosure agreement i
09:10signed
09:10i understand what that means but you ain't signed now you ain't got shit well you missed returning for
09:13why we didn't actually because we're going to mommy and barbers what yes no what do you mean no what
09:18i mean
09:19no yes we are bro okay you have not checked in on your mom in time she's going to be
09:23gassed to see
09:23you oh i'm not in a mood yeah can you turn it around well i don't care if you're in
09:26the mood or not
09:27if you're getting free rides you're going to make the stops nba
09:48come yeah i'll come in a minute sometimes being here's enough you know okay one minute i'm coming
10:01will come in here's a lot okay uh huh okay uh uh uh my silver value is i'm going to
10:25take a
10:25Bye, auntie.
10:27Look who is here.
10:28Look who is here.
10:28Who knows him?
10:29Hey, brother, come here.
10:31Come here.
10:32No, no, no, no.
10:33We'll die.
10:33We'll get back to the news.
10:34It's been two weeks.
10:35Two months, bro.
10:36Yes.
10:37Couple of weeks.
10:38I can't.
10:39I'm dying for this job.
10:40Like audition thing.
10:41You're dying.
10:42You're not keeping your roses here.
10:43Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
10:45Oh, oh, oh, oh.
10:45Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
10:46Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
10:46Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
10:46Oh, oh, oh, oh.
10:48Oh, oh, oh, oh.
10:50Oh, oh, oh, oh.
10:51My mind is gone so many days.
10:52He bought a car in Dubai.
10:55He bought a car.
10:56He bought a house.
10:56I bought a botox.
10:58I thought it was Marco Jackson when I came in the house.
11:01Oh, oh, oh, oh.
11:02No, I didn't.
11:04Don't worry about it.
11:05Come on, teacher.
11:07I've seen some Google Alerts.
11:08I've seen some time, right?
11:11Yeah, there's stuff going on.
11:12I'm just, I'm just, I'm just kidding.
11:15Don't talk about it, okay?
11:16Just tell me.
11:19Well, I'm,
11:23Just to do it.
11:24Just pray.
11:25Do it for you?
11:26Do it for you all the time.
11:28Do it for you all the time.
11:28Do it.
11:30Just to do it.
11:31Baba, have you seen a brown leather case about this big?
11:33It's got my name written on it in gold.
11:34Where are you from?
11:35I don't see TV.
11:37I don't see.
11:37Yeah, I've got some stuff cooking.
11:39It takes time to make a film.
11:40Yeah, but you don't have time.
11:41I don't have time.
11:42I don't have time.
11:44I don't have time.
11:44There was one scene in one film.
11:46You've been covered on his newsreader all day.
11:51Why are you showing up to these doctor's appointments, huh?
11:53They're expensive.
11:54I booked them for you so we can find out what's wrong.
11:57We're going to take them all the time.
11:59Hey, cousin.
12:00Oh, shit.
12:01What are you saying?
12:02No, man.
12:03Oh, bless.
12:04What's this?
12:05What's what?
12:05You're beginning to take out your tags.
12:07Oh.
12:07Rah!
12:08Is that you, yeah?
12:10Give me that.
12:10Baba, see how your boy's spending?
12:12Give me that.
12:13Why are you at home?
12:14Quit my job, man.
12:16The manager was a dickhead.
12:17Hey, I didn't even bother to charge me.
12:19He was a weirdo.
12:20If you need work experience, I could sort you from Felicia.
12:22No, no, no.
12:23Listen.
12:23If you really want to help me, take me to Taser's show tonight.
12:26Is he playing tonight?
12:27Yeah, why?
12:29I told you you can't work for me.
12:30Brother, I already sent you my counter offer.
12:3250% of my business.
12:33Yes, but do you believe in gender equality or nah?
12:36No, not really.
12:39Oh, my God.
12:42You're going to be the next James Bond.
12:44What?
12:46Eh?
12:47Wait, wait, wait.
12:48It might be cut, it might be cut.
12:49Can I have a look at that?
12:50Oh, shit.
12:51No, no, no, no.
12:51It's legit.
12:52What the fuck?
12:53Oh, my God.
12:54This is crazy.
12:55This is crazy, bro.
12:56Wait, wait, wait.
12:57Chill, man.
12:58Check the website.
12:59It's BBC we contracted.
13:01But why didn't you tell me you're speaking for?
13:03It's just an audition.
13:05It's just an audition.
13:05Man, imagine this whole time.
13:07Listen, it's an audition.
13:08It's a photo from today's audition.
13:09That's all.
13:10What makes sense though, man?
13:11James Bond is white.
13:13What?
13:15I'm the haram.
13:16He's playing.
13:17Do you know how much sex James Bond does?
13:19I'm the haram.
13:19Do you know how much sex James Bond does?
13:22I'm the haram.
13:23I'm the haram.
13:24I'm the haram.
13:25I'm the haram.
13:26I'm the haram.
13:27Listen.
13:27Baba, it's okay to be a little bit excited.
13:29You know, it's nice even just to have the opportunity.
13:31It's a big deal.
13:32You know, brown James Bond.
13:33I should be proud.
13:34This guy's face is going to be fucking blasted everywhere.
13:37Imagine it.
13:38Imagine it.
13:38Daniel Crick will be 20 M's for the last movie.
13:41My Saju will get 21.
13:43It's just calm down.
13:44It's just an audition, yeah?
13:45Call me if you need a body double for sex scenes.
13:47What?
13:48What?
13:49Can you tell her to call me soon?
13:50She comes back in.
13:52Yes, she comes back in.
13:52Yes, she comes back in.
13:53Yes, she comes back in.
13:53Okay, bye.
13:54Don't say it, don't worry.
13:56I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing.
13:57I'm just going to sort this out and work it out.
14:00Curz, yo, yo, look at me.
14:03I'm proud of you.
14:04Yeah?
14:06Fucking James Bond, my guy.
14:07Come on.
14:08Let's see what happens.
14:08Of course, inshallah, but do they know about the height?
14:11What do you mean?
14:13They're going to give you special shoes like James Bond's a big honey.
14:19I'm just saying it for you.
14:25Hey, Felicia, can you call me back, please?
14:27I'm just wondering if the audition news league thing has helped me
14:30or, you know, fucked me.
15:04Yeah, yeah.
15:06Where have you been?
15:07Painting my nails on a fucking sunbed.
15:09What the fuck you think?
15:10Listen, did you call the pap?
15:12I'm not that clever.
15:14What are they saying?
15:16Are they pissed?
15:16Well, they are very surprised.
15:18Fuck.
15:19About how much you're trending.
15:21Right?
15:22And because of the reaction, they might give you a second chance of audition.
15:25Fuck!
15:26Yes!
15:27Oh!
15:28You plus the female director is doing very well for the 18 to 34s
15:31and you know that demographic gets them wet.
15:33Oh, my God.
15:34So, listen.
15:35Sit tight and let this play out.
15:37Oh, my God.
15:40That is amazing.
15:41That's really, really cool.
15:42God bless the internet.
15:44Yeah.
15:45So, just one thing.
15:47We can't just see how this plays out.
15:48We've got to do everything we can to get me back in there.
15:51Sure.
15:52I just told you.
15:53It's good.
15:53You're trending.
15:54Look.
15:55I'm just thinking, unless you delete all the old music,
15:58just the really political bits.
15:59What do you think?
16:01As your agent, let me deal with that stuff.
16:04You just need to act.
16:05Listen.
16:06There's videos of me online fucking pissing on a British flag.
16:09It's already out there.
16:10All you can do is own it.
16:12That makes you the edgy POC candidate.
16:14Yes.
16:14Fresh blood.
16:15So, new fans for the great old institution.
16:17Listen.
16:17Don't find a thing that got you here, you know.
16:19Huh.
16:20Okay.
16:20Okay.
16:20So, what are you saying?
16:21Maybe I should lean into it?
16:24Or...
16:25Because Taze and them lot are doing a show tonight.
16:27I could maybe do a little thing there.
16:29There's nothing to lean into.
16:30You just are.
16:31Listen.
16:31Just don't do anything and stay home.
16:34Yeah, yeah, yeah.
16:35Done.
16:35It's a pain in the ass.
16:36Oh.
16:52Yeah, yeah.
17:01Well, it's not a pain in the ass.
17:01It's not a pain in the ass.
17:01I'll be right back.
17:02Yeah, no.
17:13oh shit hey what are you doing here me what are you doing here
17:20we all everywhere today pretty cool isn't it
17:41what's up bro what's good look who's back on the street
17:45bruh bruh bruh brickshaw what's up bro this blew up huh yeah it's working
17:50run you killed it man what are you saying amy yes what are you doing here man are you
17:55meant to be protecting coffin city right now what no it's not god then bro don't
17:58you know to the new backhand it's not bad man it's James Bond hey bro easy with the
18:03hollywood big man shit but it's just the audition you know what we need to take pictures
18:07for that girl
18:10safe man all right it's good to see you i'm just thinking
18:13what forget it forget it it's cool man no no i'm just
18:17go on i just had a mad thought like wouldn't it be sick if i um
18:22i warmed up for you a lot tonight because i think the crowd would love it be like a
18:25reunion be like old times bro man like how dare you bro you know
18:29nothing you just you come back you act like you fucking own this place
18:32walking through here all like look at me look at me
18:35brother i didn't i didn't mean it like that i didn't mean
18:42you're a dickhead you're a dickhead yeah i can't knock the hustle man yo
18:46maybe uh yeah i was thinking maybe i could come through the crowd like um
18:50you know like the old days well i'll meet you on stage with the mic
18:52oh shaman uh there's like a lot of hate coming at you on the internet right now
18:56just don't pay attention to it right it's all
18:59bullshit
19:01London are you ready for a case
19:03yeah
20:46Ars.
20:46Sonami.
20:48Fuck.
20:49Fuck.
20:50Yeah.
20:51007.
21:06Sha Latif.
21:07Welcome to Sir Chattrick Stewart's with me, Sir Patrick Stewart's.
21:12It's an honor to be here.
21:13The honor is all mine.
21:15I've hosted many fine actors on my little podcast, but few who have had such an eventful 24 hours.
21:22It's been a wild ride already, that's for sure.
21:24Now, I know a Bond or two.
21:26Daniel Craig's a dear friend.
21:28Big shoes to fill.
21:30Do you think you're up to the job?
21:33Yes.
21:35Yes, I do.
21:37Now, more than ever, I'm ready to show the world that I've got what it takes.
21:42Nigel Murray.
21:43How are you?
21:43Vanguard.
21:44Good.
21:45At least he tells me you do security for all the top wankers.
21:48That's right, yeah.
21:50I'm always happy to take on a few up and coming wankers as well.
21:53Sorry.
21:54Do you do personal?
21:55Because I might have an event tonight.
21:57Yeah, no, we do the full service.
21:58We haven't got a food taster if you need one.
22:00Tell you what, let's have a look in the house and we can talk about that afterwards.
22:03Yeah.
22:03So, the house is two points of entry.
22:05Hostile object into the front bay window.
22:08Those and the doors may need reinforcing, and I was thinking maybe some visual deterrence
22:11along the perimeter if you have the bodies.
22:1360 friendlies expected tomorrow.
22:15Wow.
22:16You really know your stuff?
22:17Well, I played the translator in Homeland Season 7.
22:21Yes.
22:21Yes, yes, you did.
22:22You got a lot of shit wrong on that show.
22:24Come on.
22:24Okay.
22:25All right.
22:26So, your guests are for E.D.L. Fetter, I presume?
22:28Yeah?
22:29Yeah.
22:29Okay.
22:29Yeah.
22:30Just wanna make sure everyone feels safe.
22:32Yeah, come on.
22:32Sure.
22:34It might make more sense for you to start off upstairs.
22:37I know it's harder to defend a position at a higher altitude, isn't it?
22:39Yeah.
22:40Okay.
22:40Well, I'll take my shoes off and go upstairs.
22:42Yeah.
22:42Do you agree?
22:43You can't really act this role.
22:45Part of you has to be it.
22:47Absolutely.
22:49Absolutely.
22:50Yeah.
22:51Yeah.
22:52Luckily, I'm already very experienced at navigating attacks of various kinds.
22:56Whether in the public eye or on the home front, as it were.
23:01Yep.
23:01You just got here.
23:02Oh, Mandarin Oriental.
23:03Sorted.
23:03Thank you for stopping out, Felicia.
23:04I'll speak to you later about the collar.
23:06All right?
23:06Bye.
23:07What are you showing me right now?
23:07It's a hotel.
23:08It's a hotel.
23:09Okay?
23:09They do free stays for celebs.
23:10Like Michelle Yeoh, Diggity, fuckin' Northwest Nanny.
23:14And?
23:15Bro, your followers are blowing up, okay?
23:16It's a five-star safe house.
23:18All of us, one week.
23:19It's free.
23:20Obviously, minus my costs, but...
23:21Yeah?
23:23Look, we're not going to a hotel.
23:24I'm dealing with it.
23:25I'm not gonna get anything happen to you.
23:27You don't need to be afraid.
23:28I'm not afraid.
23:29Talking about, man.
23:40What the fuck's all this?
23:41What does it look like?
23:42Security, cuz...
23:43I told you that I had security sorted, so...
23:45Chill your pum pum out.
23:46Learn from that, man.
23:47It's not a fucking movie, yeah?
23:48Is it?
23:49What you gonna ask?
23:49Where you got this from?
23:50All this?
23:52Allah provides, bro.
23:54Does he?
23:54Yes.
23:54Does he provide discount rate mujahideen as well?
23:56I know these guys.
23:57Well, they're too thick to make it into ISIS.
23:59Which ISIS?
24:00ISIS-K.
24:00ISIS-L.
24:01OG ISIS.
24:02They've got different standards.
24:04I've heard.
24:08They're only PhDs, do they?
24:10Their heart is fucking committed.
24:11Takbir.
24:12I'm not trying to start a madrasa, yeah?
24:14I'm just trying to bring in some real, actual protection.
24:16If you could just listen to me for once.
24:18If I want your fucking protection,
24:19I'll ask for your extra small condoms.
24:22You like that one, don't they?
24:23Tiny lulli, yeah?
24:24Stop pressing me, cuz.
24:25I'm going to chat to Abba.
24:26We have to discuss this.
24:27You're doing my patty in everything.
24:30Baba?
24:32What are you doing?
24:33Any fucking bag of one could just walk in.
24:35That's because you've taken off the back door.
24:37That's why I've hired a professional.
24:38Aye, professional.
24:39I'm not doubting that.
24:40If you let me do it, then it would be better for everyone.
24:43Sean Conry to the rescue, is it?
24:45How do you understand?
24:47Shah, baby.
24:48Shah, you better go here and help me take this to the car.
24:51I...
24:51Let's go.
24:53Sixty people is a lot for Reid.
24:54Your mommy needs my help.
24:58What are you doing?
25:02Chill, mommy.
25:03Bastard, you chill.
25:04For twenty fucking years, she's been trying to steal Eid.
25:07Already bringing her country swelling.
25:08Kebabs.
25:08I like kebabs.
25:10Tahira?
25:11What are you doing?
25:11Huh?
25:12Naila!
25:13Hey!
25:15It's a joint effort.
25:16I'm just doing my part.
25:17You've done already so much.
25:19Shahju, take the pots inside.
25:21Why are you giving Naila Andy more work?
25:22It's nothing, Tahira.
25:23I was telling Shahju.
25:25I could be doing so much more.
25:27After the night, sadly, it's no longer safe here.
25:30Why not move into my house?
25:32Who's not safe?
25:34Everybody stop.
25:35Can you stop here, Baba?
25:36Baba, can you just come here, please?
25:37Can you stop the work, everyone?
25:38Right.
25:38Let's have a little chat about Eid and the plan.
25:40It's your plan, yeah?
25:41What?
25:42Outsourcing our protection.
25:43There is Freemason nonce.
25:44I'm not a nonce.
25:45Should've gone to the hotel.
25:46Nigel's here to help secure the house.
25:48The house won't be ready.
25:49Nothing is ready.
25:50The house won't be ready.
25:51Food won't be ready.
25:51Naila, Naila.
25:52Please, Shahju.
25:53Sorry, guys.
25:54The prophet.
25:54Please be upon him.
25:56Exactly, exactly.
25:57He said it best when he said,
25:59trust in Allah.
26:01But tie up your camel.
26:04My guy.
26:04He knows his stuff.
26:06You gotta hand it to him.
26:06I just wanna say that holy days like this
26:08are an absolute lightning rod for bad actors.
26:10So perhaps you should think about moving your Eid celebrations
26:12to a different location.
26:13Hey, Bencho.
26:14Stop.
26:14One layover in Dubai thinks he knows our business.
26:16Who is this?
26:16I got tremendous respect for Islamic culture.
26:18Especially after six tours of Afghanistan.
26:22So...
26:23He said that he said that.
26:26He said that.
26:26He said that.
26:27He said that.
26:28Naila Ji.
26:29We will come back with you.
26:31He said that.
26:32He said that.
26:32He said that.
26:33He said that.
26:33He said that.
26:35He said that.
26:35Okay, Naila Ji.
26:38Mommy.
26:39I didn't...
26:40Mommy.
26:44Lovely to meet the family.
26:45Colorful lot, aren't they?
26:46They really get after it.
26:48And your brother, he seems nice.
26:51He's not my brother.
26:52He's my cousin.
26:53But he was raised with us.
26:54Okay.
26:54It's complicated.
26:55All right.
26:55Well, look.
26:56This is for you.
26:58There's your quote.
26:59Although, I would be willing to postpone payment.
27:03You know, in consideration of the future work.
27:06Because if my internet searches are correct, then you will be needing our services a lot more in the future.
27:11Well, let's see what happens.
27:13It's really reasonable.
27:14Could you just leave it with me?
27:14I'm getting a few different quotes soon.
27:16That's fine.
27:16Okay.
27:17Oh, so did you want me to provide a personal for tonight?
27:20I can send one of my best guys.
27:21That's fine.
27:21What are you doing?
27:22You asked me to do security now.
27:23For tonight.
27:24I did.
27:25Him?
27:25Yeah, so I won't be needing.
27:27Thank you for coming by.
27:28Yeah, no.
27:29Absolute pleasure.
27:30Yeah.
27:31Well, oh, by the way.
27:32I stole the dash cams.
27:33The battery life is.
27:34So, bring the charger.
27:36All right.
27:36You can have that for free.
27:38Cheers, Nigel.
27:39Why are you wasting your money on these render fees, bro?
27:42I've had your back since day.
27:52I heard you go into this gala tonight.
27:56On your own, or?
27:59I've got a plus one.
28:02Is that it?
28:04You haven't got any shoes on trainers.
28:07Can I arrange it?
28:09Go on, get care of, ya fucker.
28:12Come on.
28:13Get NinenApple!
28:22Get NinenApple!
28:25Come on!
28:31Wait that super girl fucker, dad.
28:34it's a good job i came to babysit you ah bro you might be taking care of the muscle but
28:38i'm winning
28:38over the hearts and minds yeah but when you're in the middle of a culture board that's the real
28:43battleground big man how are you gonna battle them with your horny makeup face what you know
28:47the face that you do when you're on the red carpet it looks like you're trying to shag that camera
28:51but you're worried the camera's gonna shag you no i'm not don't put that in my head right now
28:53you're gonna put me off okay for confirmation what is that yeah what man i look good there
28:59you look like you're making a pervy version of planet earth all right let me just see something
29:03raj taker motherfucker all right all right don't jizz on my level seats you can't afford the cleaning
29:08fee okay listen let's just go there and smash it all right brother we are already smashing it okay
29:13we are arriving in the muba prime experience look at this halal harry balls custom specifically
29:18branded zamzam water your little mini dildo on the dashboard cuz look at me we are arriving like
29:23this is fast and furious but without the four skins you understand come on let's get it cuz yes yeah
29:27you
29:28ready yes okay yeah come on don't do that on the red carpet i can't guarantee
29:46there's a lot of excitement but also some displeasure at the idea of a gujarati playing pond proving those
29:53voices wrong has been my life's mission how so well it's why i want the role it's why i'm here
30:00speaking to you is that why you wanted to make a speech at the king's museum gala exactly to show
30:06people that this is what a hero can look like to show them that this too is what british looks
30:12like
30:16hey yo listen i support the team i support the team but when you finish tonight please get home with
30:22movers okay that's for you sorry there's no service in your area i'm turkish you're turkish then there's
30:27service in your area thank you excuse me sister no mc rickshaw may can i get a pick you want
30:37a pick i
30:38your next week hey yo guys guys come and get a picture with your one and only fan come on
30:42oh hey bro you ignoring me bro we gotta go man why are you going in there man sold out
30:49you should
30:50be out here with us hey yo yo yo let's wear the photo with you what's the problem bro if
30:54i get a photo
30:54to take with them it's not it's not the right image i'm going for right now all right the real
30:58change
30:58happens in there we gotta get in there listen i know you think you're his majesty's secret service
31:05society yeah but don't go full coconut pussy oh yeah then don't go into father on me then
31:10you want to respect my guy keep it real okay why don't you respect this watch and learn
31:17you're doing it again i'm not doing the face you're doing the face all right let me show you
31:23nah you know what that is you look like a paedophile german bro there's cameras why we
31:28see people because they don't have sound it's false hi so happy really i'm so glad to be here
31:33thank you this is my associate my gonna much can learn um can i ask um who i might speak
31:39to about
31:39my speech this evening oh we don't have you done us doing this oh i think it's because i'm a
31:43lost
31:44a last minute addition so well if your new house i suppose yeah she's our new director okay oh i
31:51i'm
31:51guessing i have a plus one ah mr sufika ali ceo of move enterprises i just think it should be
31:58like
31:58an official record i'm here tonight so thank you cuz where the have you bought us man this looks like
32:05the jaws bull sack you're from humble beginnings like me so how's your family dealing with all this
32:12same way we deal with everything as a team together now i'm proud to say that we've all got each
32:18other's
32:20bags bro this is mad yeah i told you bro i've got stuff cooking assalamualaikum sorry
32:28all right we've got to find this vivian yeah yeah no point me being here if i can't get on
32:34stage
32:34there she's museum director yeah my god the fuck are you bro some eagle bro look at this all right
32:41listen uh i'm gonna go work on you should we take team her what not like that i mean like
32:46you
32:46convince her together like good packy bad packy what would that be like oh like good cop bad cop
32:53i've got packies i've got this one covered yeah you sure yeah yeah yeah in a bit i'll be here
33:01sing let me tell you about this
33:11i'm vivian charlatif oh yes of course mr latif i wonder if i could borrow you for a moment oh
33:17absolutely although anything borrowed has to be given back now apparently what can i do for you
33:22mr i was actually wondering what i might be able to do for you there's nobody like muslims that can
33:26get
33:27you to where you need to be on time but we are on time for prayers five times a day
33:30if you call me
33:32can you get me to where i need to go i'll get you there this museum means a great deal
33:36to me and i
33:37saw you had a number of protesters outside yes and it thrills me to see young people engaging in a
33:42conversation about our shared heritage and culture in fact we invite this kind of dialogue is it a
33:47dialogue though if you don't have an ambassador of sorts to help bridge the divide between those on
33:51the inside and comes out there who's your name ali razza ali razza i'm feeling the iran yes yeah
33:57bit of farsi my guy come on so we could be in that region i for one would be honored
34:02to get up there and
34:03say a few words about may i about how i'm global britain truly is both in its artifacts and its
34:08people
34:09you know i'm an eighth indian i did not wow what about yourself where you're from london you're from
34:14london you sound wait originally from london but i understand your latest acquisition is is from a
34:21muslim country yes but treasures like the one we're unveiling tonight don't just belong to islam
34:25they belong to us all so i can go up and say a few words i'll be very brief no
34:30miss latif that's
34:32simply not how we do things around here this isn't a pop-up banksy exhibit besides we already have our
34:36dear friend raj takar giving a speech enjoy your evening
34:47and now to the more uncomfortable part of our chat you didn't think this was going to be all
34:53softballs did you raj takar your rival i wouldn't call him that come on come on you can be honest
35:01i
35:01can't be in the same room as ian magneto mccallan oh sorry sir ian magneto mccallan i just think that
35:09there's plenty of room for all of us at the top oh please a day ago you were the only
35:14brown bloke up
35:15for the job and now there are two and word on the web is he'd make a better bond yeah
35:21well i don't
35:22really pay attention to what people say about me it's just not in my nature you should old chap
35:26he's a bigger name with a bigger fan base and i dare say he's thought of as a better actor
35:32that's
35:33subjective cut the camel shit latif you couldn't even convince that museum director to let you speak
35:40how do you expect to convince the world that you can be bond you don't stand a chance in a
35:46horse
35:47pajamas do you you pussyhole he's the god edition you push can
35:55no use being angry with me you only have yourself to blame i'm trying try harder do you understand
36:07here he is hey hey i love this man i haven't seen you in a minute bro yeah when was
36:13the last time i
36:13saw you um mango tree premiere yeah yeah yeah thank you for coming man you were so good in that
36:19thank
36:19you do you guys see that under the mango tree so it's about this magical mango tree this white
36:24woman eats a mango she travels back in time to colonial india falls in love with this indian guy
36:29and they have this relationship over space and time it's about her loves timeless and crosses all sorts
36:34of boundaries i don't know why i didn't connect more actually can i where are you from yeah yeah thanks
36:40a
36:41lot um you look incredible by the way and very very small getting photographed in the tugs and holding
36:45that drink it's uh just here to support one of our nation's most important cultural institutions
36:50um just the one thing's got people going mental hasn't it yeah people are passionate man it's just
36:58um that the hate though i hate is it's a lot right i know you're probably probably getting a lot
37:03of that
37:03too not really nothing to cry about you just gotta stay grateful people are busting their asses at
37:11dead-end jobs just to put food on the table we live in the dream yeah yeah there we are
37:15yeah
37:15hate's a small price to pay it is it's just some psycho sent a pig's head to my mom's house
37:22you serious yeah you know that's actually why i'm here um i want to show them that no amount of
37:28hate
37:29is going to make me hide and actually if this museum can house treasures from all around the world and
37:34this country has to take in people from all around the world am i right yeah preach bro just want
37:39to
37:39make a statement showing that this this too is what british looks like i love the passion man i'm
37:45so glad you said that because i heard that you're speaking later and i was thinking maybe we could
37:48tag team here yeah that's a great idea yeah you've got something important to say i want to be a
37:54part
37:54of that yeah i'll tell you what why don't i go up first and then i'll bring you up i
37:57would love that
37:58thank you my brother i love that man of course i really appreciate it there you are hey i know
38:04you
38:04this is my security guy the moober guy yeah i overheard you chatting about it earlier i love the
38:08concept thank you brother are you muslim help me all a little yeah have you got a card i'll spread
38:15the
38:15word nice yeah okay i gotta go that's my mom you brought your mom yeah yeah yeah i wouldn't be
38:23here
38:23without her so shouldn't be here without her you know it's all thicker that's me that's me good to see
38:28man
38:28yeah you too man he's either the sweetest twat i've ever met or the thickest twat you're a thick
38:37twat what security guy that's what i'm doing you literally told me to bring you here as security
38:45why are you getting cranky oh you haven't broken fast huh no i haven't of course i'm hungry man
38:51just have a little canopy bro just have a little something to eat nothing here is halal none of the
38:57little things the big things none of it have some halumi halumi is not israeli that's what
39:01they want you to think it's an arabic cheers prove it to me google it you know i don't use
39:05google
39:08thank you too kind good evening in 2001 we watched in horror as taliban fanatics laid waste to a once
39:22great nation's cultural heritage we wept as monuments to peace were turned to rubble but tonight
39:31we write this wrong after a nine-year 15 million pound restoration project it is my honor to present
39:40to you tonight the restored buddha of bamian
39:57now an extra special treat it is with great enthusiasm that i invite tonight's guest speaker
40:03to the stage the most gentleman of vampire hunter i've ever had the pleasure of meeting raj dhaka
40:16it's an honor to be here i mean wow this museum is home to artifacts from around the globe
40:26and so it should follow that england too is home to people from those same places
40:30and tonight is a celebration but i would like to speak with you all about my experiences as an
40:36englishman and as a person of color recently racist hate took the form of a severed pig's head
40:48delivered to my family's doorstep it was horrific there was blood everywhere
40:55my mother was left traumatized mummy i'm sorry
40:59but no amount of hate will make me hide
41:03those driven by prejudice
41:06they need to see us in these spaces
41:12and because this too is what british looks like
41:17thank you thank you
41:21excuse me latif you have a situation a man claiming to be your brother has been harassing and
41:27racially profiling museum guests
41:33oh and uh shah latif wanted to say something too i'm about to go on man
41:37shah otherwise we're gonna have to escort him off the premises immediately
41:59so let's talk about your big moment the speech that never was
42:05a silky bit of spycraft from thacker he's clearly made for the role not to mention he can get the
42:12bleeding lines out
42:15nine i can do better i can
42:18can you now let's see
42:21i also had a pig's head said to myself
42:23for themselves
42:27i am nice one dickhead you're more frozen than me but it's not your acting that's the problem is it
42:36it's who you are you don't have the balls to be bombed
42:44you turned your back on your own fans
42:48man slow down
42:49you turned your back on your own family
42:55face it people like you are never the heroes of the story you'll always just be a scared little
43:33you'll pack it
43:34Hey, hey, hey.
43:41Yeah?
43:46Okay?
43:47Yeah, are you?
43:49What were you doing?
43:50Nothing. What were you doing?
43:52Nothing, bro. It's 2am.
43:54Were you talking to someone or what?
43:57Sorry, man. I was just running lights.
43:59In a suit?
44:00Costume, innit?
44:02Oh, well, the moon's been sighted, so.
44:05Eve Mubarak.
44:07Yeah.
44:08The night, you weirdo.
44:13Eve Mubarak, bitch.
Comments