- 3 hours ago
Bait S01E01-2 (2026) [Full Movie] [Full Version]Full EP - Full
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00:06You
00:42I suppose the term safe house is no longer apt.
00:47Nothing you touch is ever safe, is it?
00:52I told you not to come after me.
00:54James, she knows everything I know.
01:00If you have terrible taste in hostages, Wentworth was the mole.
01:05Could have just as easily aimed a few centimeters higher.
01:10Then it wouldn't have mattered to you at all, would it?
01:14Just as long as you're pleasing your masters.
01:18Tell me, when it's just you, all alone, how do you live with yourself?
01:26Do you even know who you are?
01:30I will.
01:38I don't know.
01:39Cut!
01:39Sorry.
01:40Sorry.
01:43Sorry, Helen.
01:45It's all good.
01:46It's all good.
01:47It's just we're on a bit of a schedule.
01:50Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
01:50Quick reset back to once.
01:51I'll nail it this time.
01:52How are you blowing this audition?
01:54I know the speech.
01:56I know it.
01:57Yeah, you fucked it up every time at the exact same moment.
02:02What is this, a prank show, wearing a hidden camera?
02:04It's funny.
02:05No, I just have a very particular process.
02:07I've got my head around it now.
02:08I'm ready.
02:09Sorry, guys.
02:10You just said we had to...
02:10Yeah, well, just a minute.
02:11Sorry.
02:12How was your weekend?
02:13That's good, thanks.
02:13How was yours?
02:13Great.
02:14Yeah, what did you do?
02:15Just...
02:16Yeah, thanks.
02:16Thanks, Jim.
02:17This is my set...
02:19Stop it.
02:20Sorry.
02:21You know what?
02:22They didn't want to see you.
02:24I had to convince them.
02:25So this is on me.
02:26I've got a confession to make.
02:29I'm lightheaded from fasting.
02:31It's the holy muslim month.
02:34It's called Ramadan.
02:37It involves no eating and drinking in the day.
02:40I'm lightheaded from...
02:41If I can have a bit of a cultural understanding.
02:43Well, I've just seen you drink apple juice.
02:45Six takes in a row.
02:47I tried.
02:48Just a shame you didn't.
02:52Thanks so much for coming in, Sharon.
02:54We'll be in touch.
03:04You want to know what it's like doing the dirty work?
03:07Fighting everybody and being nobody.
03:13I don't live with myself.
03:14I live with whoever you need me to be.
03:18The blood on my hands is mine.
03:20Because I kill a part of myself every day
03:24if I don't know who I am.
03:26Because you don't want to.
03:31You knew it.
03:33You knew it.
03:35What's wrong with you?
03:38Do you know who you are?
03:39I'll tell you who you are.
03:41You're a fucking failure.
03:43Who just shat on your last chance
03:45of being somebody.
03:47You should be ashamed of yourself.
03:49You are ashamed of yourself.
03:50Because you're ashamed of your family.
03:52You're fucking nobody.
03:53You're nothing.
03:53You're just a fucking...
03:54Dumb fucking baggy.
04:05Um...
04:07Come in.
04:10Um...
04:11I, uh...
04:13Forgot to grab your mic.
04:16Cause...
04:17I'm
04:18i
04:18I
04:26I
04:27I
04:35I
04:36I
04:36I
04:36I
04:37I
04:37I
04:42I
04:43I
04:57I'm just, you know, there's a photographer camped out front, so I'm going to take you down the side.
05:02Oh, yeah, yeah.
05:03The press gets a pic of anyone who's auditioned and the whole Bond rumor mill goes crazy.
05:10Sorry, you know what? I just realized I left my charger in the dressing room.
05:13Oh, I'm happy to come with.
05:14I'll go and grab it. Another way.
05:16Are you sure?
05:16Thank you, though. Thanks a lot.
05:17Okay.
05:32You all right?
06:15Hey!
06:16Dude!
06:17What?
06:18I know you!
06:18Mate!
06:19I'm a huge fan!
06:21See, you're talented.
06:22No, no, I'm not.
06:23Yes, you are.
06:24You're an exceptional actor and I want you to know that.
06:26Thank you, mate.
06:27Listen, can I get a little video for my girlfriend, Heather?
06:29She's like obsessed with you, dude.
06:30Yeah, yeah.
06:31Babe, check it out.
06:32Walking down the street, guess who I've ever been to?
06:35Dev fucking Patel!
06:37What?
06:37Dev Patel, just walking down the street.
06:40Say something about Slumdog.
06:41She loves Slumdog.
06:42She loves Slumdog.
06:46It was an amazing honour to be part of Slumdog Millionaire.
06:49It was a great film that people loved, that I loved.
06:52I loved that film.
06:53I mean, my family, my community, internationally.
06:56He's not Dev Patel!
06:59What?
07:00He's not Dev Patel!
07:02Look how short he is!
07:04Dev is tall, strong, handsome, our Gujarati hero.
07:09Hello, Shah Jahan Latif!
07:10Are you the Shah Jahan place?
07:13Who's...
07:13Shah's a...
07:14Shah's a...
07:14Shah Latif, Shah.
07:16That's me.
07:20Can we go, please?
07:21No problem, sir.
07:27Assalamualaikum Mr. Latif, sir.
07:28I hope you are enjoying your MOBA experience and that...
07:32Temperature is of enjoyment for you.
07:34I asked for a silent ride on the app, so...
07:36Sir, just one thing.
07:37Where are you from?
07:39Because you are looking like the packy, but you are talking like the honky-tonky, right?
07:42And you look like Jahadi, but he's a sphincter.
07:46Sphincter?
07:46Wait, that's a bar?
07:47He likes sphincter.
07:48He just came to me like that.
07:49Sphincter?
07:49Thanks for picking me up, bro.
07:51Come on, man.
07:51I appreciate it.
07:52Watch my posture, please.
07:53You're awesome.
07:54You took in love here.
07:55Hey, listen.
07:56Did you bring the watch, yeah?
07:57Yeah, I couldn't find it.
07:58You couldn't find it or you didn't look?
07:59I didn't look.
08:00I'll be busy, okay?
08:01What do you always say?
08:01Bro, you're a dickhead.
08:04What the fuck is this doing here?
08:06I was gonna tell you, innit?
08:07Basically, I need that for my cars, bro.
08:09There's no brown dolls for saying that.
08:11It's weird.
08:11It's not a doll, bro.
08:12It's a limited edition collectible action figure of me from my film.
08:15You've got to ask me before you use my likeness.
08:18You need to chew your tits.
08:19First of all, this don't even look like you.
08:20And second of all, you've got a hundred of these many dildos lying around in the garage.
08:24It's not a dildo.
08:24It looks like a dildo to me.
08:25And I need them for my fleet anyway.
08:26Fleet?
08:27Alright.
08:28Well, you and six guys, yeah?
08:29It's 26, actually.
08:31Fuck off.
08:32Yes.
08:32Things have been going very well.
08:34Got some serious investors interested.
08:36Hmm.
08:37Hmm.
08:38What?
08:38Say mashallah.
08:40But if you're gonna say it, say it properly.
08:42Mashallah.
08:42There you go.
08:43Right.
08:44Investors know that nobody needs a Muslim Uber, bro.
08:47Uber in London's already Muslim.
08:48Right?
08:48Every next driver's named Abdi.
08:50Listen to me.
08:51We drive that thing, but we need to own our thing.
08:53And I want us to own this thing.
08:54Okay.
08:55And if you're strapped for personal right now, I'll take you on as a driver.
08:59I don't mind.
08:59I don't need any money from you, bro.
09:01Yeah, I got stuff cooking.
09:02There's no why I heard.
09:02I got stuff cooking.
09:03What you got cooking?
09:04I can't tell you.
09:05Huh?
09:05It's top secret.
09:06I signed an NDA.
09:07You ain't signed no NDA.
09:08I did non-disclosure agreement.
09:10I signed it.
09:10I understand what that means, but you ain't signed.
09:11You ain't got shit, bro.
09:12You missed pretending for mine.
09:13No, we didn't actually, because we're going to mummy and barbers.
09:16What?
09:16Yes.
09:17No.
09:17What do you mean, no?
09:18I mean, no.
09:19Yes, we are, bro.
09:20Okay?
09:21You have not checked in on your mum in time.
09:22She's going to be gassed to see you.
09:24Bro, I'm not in a mood.
09:25Yeah, because you turned it around.
09:26Well, I don't care if you're in a mood or not.
09:27If you're getting free rides, you're going to make the stops.
09:31NDA.
09:47Come.
09:48Yeah, I'll come in a minute.
09:51Sometimes being here is enough, you know.
09:53Okay.
09:54One minute.
09:55I'm coming.
10:01I'm coming.
10:02I'm coming.
10:03I'm coming.
10:04I'm coming.
10:04I'm going to get a personal shopper.
10:06Yes.
10:07Okay.
10:08I need a silver rally set tomorrow.
10:10No, no.
10:10Silver rally set?
10:11No, no.
10:12You'll make sure we are good, right?
10:13You will be good.
10:14We are old.
10:16Hello, auntie.
10:17Shashi.
10:18Look at you.
10:19All grown up, huh?
10:20Such a strong boy.
10:22Masha Allah.
10:23You're all here.
10:24FIYAHU such a strong boy.
10:25Bye soon.
10:25Bye, auntie.
10:27Let's see who you came.
10:28Who knows anyone?
10:29Daddy, come here.
10:31I can't see anything.
10:31Come on.
10:31Hello, hey.
10:32Look at me.
10:32What's your name?
10:33I'm coming to my house.
10:34You've been two weeks.
10:35Two months, bro.
10:36Yes.
10:37A couple of weeks.
10:38I can't.
10:39I'm dying for this job.
10:40Black audition thing.
10:41You're dying?
10:42You're not keeping your rose here.
10:43Oy, oy, oy.
10:44Tobba, Tobba.
10:45Oh, I've seen my tone.
10:46What?
10:47You should fast all year.
10:48I don't know what's going on here.
10:50My mind has come here so many days.
10:52He bought a car in Dubai.
10:55He bought a car in Dubai.
10:56I bought a botox.
10:58I thought it was Michael Jackson when I came in the house.
11:02Maybe so.
11:04Don't worry about it.
11:05Come on, teacher.
11:07I haven't seen something in Google Alerts.
11:11Yeah, there's stuff going on.
11:12I just don't want to talk about it.
11:15Don't talk about it, okay?
11:16Just tell me.
11:19Well, I am...
11:23Just a prayer.
11:24Just pray.
11:25Prayer for you.
11:26I pray for you all the time.
11:29Okay.
11:30Just a prayer.
11:31Baba, have you seen a brown leather case about this big?
11:33It's got my name written on it in gold.
11:34Where are you?
11:35I don't know.
11:37I've got some stuff cooking.
11:39It takes time to make a film.
11:40Yeah.
11:40But you don't have time.
11:42You don't have time.
11:43You don't have a pop.
11:44There was one scene in one film.
11:46You've been pervert on his newsreader all day.
11:48I don't know.
11:50Baba, why aren't you showing up to these doctor's appointments?
11:53They're expensive.
11:54I booked them for you so we can find out what's wrong.
11:56You don't have time.
11:58You don't have time.
11:59You don't have time.
11:59Hey, cousin.
12:00Shit!
12:01What are you saying?
12:02No, man.
12:03Oh, bless.
12:04What's this?
12:05What's what?
12:05You've been getting to take out your tags.
12:07Oh.
12:08Rawr!
12:08Is that you, yeah?
12:10Baba, see how your boy's spending?
12:12Give me that.
12:13Why are you at home?
12:14Quit my job, man.
12:15Manager was a dickhead.
12:16Hey!
12:17That's not what you said.
12:18Rafiq was a big fan.
12:19He was a weirdo.
12:20If you need work experience, I could sort you from Felicia.
12:22I told you.
12:22No, no, no.
12:23Listen.
12:23If you really want to help me, take me to Taser's show tonight.
12:26Is he playing tonight?
12:27Yeah, why?
12:29I told you you can't work for me.
12:30Brother, I already sent you my counter offer.
12:3250% of my business.
12:33Yes, but do you believe in gender equality or nah?
12:36No, not really.
12:39Oh, my God.
12:41Shabai, are you going to be the next James Bond?
12:44What?
12:46Eh?
12:47Wait, wait, wait.
12:48It might be Cap.
12:48Can I have a look at that?
12:50Oh, shit.
12:51No, no, no, no.
12:51It's legit.
12:52What the fuck?
12:53Oh, my God.
12:54This is crazy.
12:55This is crazy, bro.
12:56Wait, wait, wait.
12:57Chill, man.
12:58Check the website.
12:59It's BBC we contracted.
13:00Why did you tell me?
13:03It's just an audition.
13:05It's just an audition.
13:06Super James Bond.
13:07Listen.
13:08It's an audition.
13:08It's a photo from today's audition.
13:10What's wrong, Shabaiq?
13:11James Bond is white.
13:13What are you doing?
13:15I'm the haram.
13:16Do you know how much sex James Bond does?
13:22I'm the haram.
13:24I'm the haram.
13:24I'm the haram.
13:25I'm the haram.
13:27I'm the haram.
13:27I'm the haram.
13:27Listen.
13:27Baba, it's okay to be a little bit excited.
13:29You know, it's nice even just to have the opportunity.
13:31It's a big deal.
13:32You know, Brown James Bond.
13:33James Bond.
13:34It's going to be mad.
13:35You know.
13:35This guy's face is going to be fucking blasted everywhere.
13:37Imagine.
13:37Imagine it.
13:38Daniel Crick got me 20 M's for the last movie.
13:41My Saju will get 21.
13:43It's just calm down.
13:44It's just an audition, yeah?
13:45Call me if you need a body double for sex scenes.
13:47What's wrong?
13:48What's wrong?
13:49Can you tell her to call me as soon as she comes back in?
13:52Yes.
13:53What's wrong?
13:54What's wrong with you?
13:54What's wrong with you?
13:55I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing.
13:57I've just got to sort this out and work it out.
14:00Carson.
14:01Yo.
14:01Look at me.
14:03I'm proud of you.
14:05Yeah?
14:06Fucking James Bond, my guy.
14:07Come on.
14:08Let's see what happens.
14:08Of course, inshallah.
14:09But do they know about the height?
14:11What do you mean?
14:13They're going to give you special shoes like James Bond's big, isn't it?
14:19I'm just saying it for you.
14:21For you.
14:25Hey, Felicia.
14:26Can you call me back, please?
14:26I'm just wondering if the audition news league thing has helped me or, you know, fuck me.
15:04Yeah.
15:05Yeah.
15:06Yeah.
15:06Where have you been?
15:07Painting my nails on a fucking sunbed.
15:09What the fuck do you think?
15:10Listen.
15:11Did you call the pap?
15:12I'm not that clever.
15:14What are they saying?
15:16Are they pissed?
15:16Well, they are very surprised.
15:19Fuck.
15:19About how much you're trending.
15:21Right?
15:22And because of the reaction, they might give you a second chance to audition.
15:25Fuck!
15:26Yes!
15:27Oh!
15:28You plus the female director is doing very well for the 18 to 34s and you know that
15:32demographic gets them all wet.
15:33Oh my God.
15:40That is amazing.
15:41That's really, really cool.
15:43God bless the internet, eh?
15:44Yeah.
15:45So, just one thing.
15:47We can't just see how this plays out.
15:48We've got to do everything we can to get me back in there.
15:51Sha, I just told you.
15:53It's good.
15:53You're trending.
15:54Look.
15:55I'm just thinking.
15:56Maybe I should delete all the old music.
15:58Just the really political bits.
15:59What do you think?
16:00As your agent, let me deal with that stuff.
16:03You just need to act.
16:05Listen.
16:06There's videos of me online fucking pissing on a British flag.
16:09It's already out there.
16:10All you can do is own it.
16:12That makes you the edgy POC candidate.
16:14Yes.
16:14Fresh blood.
16:15So, new fans for the great old institution.
16:17Listen.
16:17Don't find a thing that got you here, you know.
16:19Huh.
16:19Okay, okay.
16:20So, what were you saying?
16:21Maybe I should lean into it?
16:24Or...
16:25Because Taze and them lot are doing a show tonight.
16:27I could maybe do a little thing there.
16:29There's nothing to lean into.
16:30You just are.
16:31Listen.
16:31Just don't do anything and stay home.
16:34Yeah, yeah, yeah.
16:35Done.
17:13Oh shit.
17:15Hey.
17:16What are you doing here?
17:18Me?
17:19What are you doing here?
17:20Me?
17:21We are everywhere today.
17:24Pretty cool, isn't it?
17:34What are you saying.
17:41What's up, bruh?
17:42What's good?
17:43Look who's back on the street!
17:44What's up, bruh, bruh, bruh!
17:46Brickshaw!
17:47What's up, bro?
17:48This shit blew up, huh?
17:49Yeah, it's working.
17:50Look at this. You're coming again, bro. You killed it, man.
17:52What are you saying? Ami?
17:53Yes, dude.
17:53What are you doing there, bro?
17:55Are you meant to be protecting Coffin City right now?
17:56What?
17:57No, it's not Gartham.
17:58Bro, don't you know? Totally new Batman.
18:00It's not bad, man.
18:01It's James Bond.
18:03Hey, bro, easy with the Hollywood big man shit.
18:05Why is this just an audition?
18:06You know what?
18:07We need to take a picture.
18:07What I got?
18:11Safe, man.
18:11All right, it's good to see you.
18:12I'm just thinking.
18:13What?
18:14Forget it. Forget it.
18:15It's cool, man.
18:15No, I'm just...
18:17Go on.
18:18I just had a mad thought.
18:19Wouldn't it be sick if I warmed up for you a lot tonight?
18:24Because I think the crowd would love it.
18:25It'd be like a reunion.
18:26It'd be like old times, bro.
18:27Like, how dare you, bro?
18:29Nothing.
18:30You just come back.
18:31You act like you fucking own this place.
18:33What do you mean?
18:33Walking through here, like, look at me, look at me.
18:36Bro, I didn't mean it like that.
18:38I didn't mean it like that.
18:40You all right?
18:41I didn't mean it like that.
18:42You're a dickhead.
18:43You're a dickhead.
18:44I can't knock the hustle, man.
18:46Yo, maybe, uh, yeah.
18:48I was thinking maybe I could come through the crowd, like, um, you know, like the old days.
18:51Paul, I'll meet you on stage with a mic.
18:52Shout out, man.
18:53Uh, there's like a lot of hate coming at you on the internet right now.
18:57Just don't pay attention to it, all right?
18:58It's all bullshit.
19:02London, are you ready for a taste?
19:03Yeah!
19:06Yeah!
19:08Yeah!
19:10Yeah!
19:11Yeah!
19:11Yeah!
19:11Yeah!
19:12Yeah!
19:13Yeah!
19:32Thank you for coming to the table and see who is singing.
19:38Tim is a boy juego here.
19:40Yeah!
19:41Yeah!
19:43Um, well let's do it together recently.
20:06I gave birth to you.
20:08Only healing.
20:09Just healing.
20:09I don't know what to do.
20:10One will be me.
20:11You will never know what to do with you.
20:11I'm not going to die.
20:11I'm not going to die.
20:12We're going to die.
20:12Again.
20:14I'm so come off from my way.
20:19Hi, you seem to do so much.
20:21I love it.
20:45Arse, tsunami.
20:48Fuck.
20:49Fuck.
20:50Yeah.
20:51007.
21:06Shah Latif.
21:07Welcome to Sir Chattrick Stewart.
21:09It's with me, Sir Patrick Stewart.
21:12It's an honor to be here.
21:13The honor is all mine.
21:15I've hosted many fine actors on my little podcast,
21:18plus few who have had such an eventful 24 hours.
21:22It's been a wild ride already.
21:23That's for sure.
21:24Now, I know a bond or two.
21:27Daniel Craig's a dear friend.
21:28Big shoes to fill.
21:30Do you think you're up to the job?
21:33Yes.
21:35Yes, I do.
21:37Now, more than ever, I'm ready to show the world that I've got what it takes.
21:41Sure.
21:42Nigel Murray.
21:43How are you?
21:43Vanguard.
21:44Good.
21:45At least she tells me you do security for all the top wankers.
21:48Yeah, that's right.
21:49Yeah.
21:50I'm always happy to take on a few up and coming wankers as well.
21:53Sorry.
21:54Do you do personal?
21:55Because I might have an event tonight.
21:57Yeah, I'm ready to do the full service.
21:58Even got a food taster if you need one.
22:00Right.
22:00Tell you what, let's have a look in the house and we can talk about that afterwards.
22:03Yeah.
22:03So, house is two points of entry.
22:05Hostile object into the front bay window.
22:08Those and the doors may need reinforcing.
22:09And I was thinking maybe some visual deterrence along the perimeter,
22:12if you have the bodies.
22:13Sixty friendlies expected tomorrow.
22:15Wow.
22:16You really know your stuff?
22:17Well, I played the translator in Homeland Season 7.
22:20Yes.
22:21Yes.
22:21Yes, you did.
22:22They got a lot of shit wrong on that show.
22:24Come on.
22:24Okay.
22:26Your guests are for E.D.L. Fetter, I presume.
22:28Yeah?
22:29Yeah.
22:29Okay.
22:29Yeah.
22:30Just wanna make sure everyone feels safe.
22:32Yeah, sure.
22:34It might make more sense for you to start off upstairs.
22:37I know it's harder to defend a position at a higher altitude, isn't it?
22:39Yeah.
22:40Okay.
22:40Well, I'll take my shoes off and go upstairs.
22:42Yeah.
22:42Do you agree?
22:43You can't really act this role.
22:45Part of you has to be it.
22:47Absolutely.
22:49Absolutely.
22:50Yeah.
22:51Yeah.
22:52Luckily, I'm already very experienced at navigating attacks of various kinds.
22:56Whether in the public eye or on the home front, as it were.
23:01Yep.
23:01You just got here.
23:02Mandarin Oriental.
23:03Sorted.
23:03Thank you for stopping out, Felicia.
23:04I'll speak to you later about the collar.
23:06Alright?
23:06Bye.
23:07What are you showing me right now?
23:08It's a hotel.
23:08Okay?
23:09They do free stays for celebs.
23:10Like Michelle Yeoh, Diggity, fucking Northwest Nanny.
23:14And?
23:15Bro, your followers are blowing up, okay?
23:16It's a five-star safe house.
23:18All of us, one week.
23:19It's free.
23:20Obviously, minus my costs.
23:21But, yeah?
23:23Look, we're not going to a hotel.
23:24I'm dealing with it.
23:25I'm not gonna get anything happen to you.
23:27You don't need to be afraid.
23:28I'm not afraid.
23:29Talking about, man.
23:40What the fuck's all this?
23:41What does it look like?
23:42Security, cuz.
23:43I told you that I had security sorted, so.
23:45Chill your pum pum out.
23:46Learn from the mandem.
23:47It's not fucking movie, yeah?
23:48Is it?
23:49What you gonna ask?
23:49Where you got this from?
23:50All this?
23:52Allah provides, bro.
23:54Does he?
23:54Yes.
23:55Does he provide discount rate mujahideen as well?
23:57I know these guys, but they're too thick to make it into ISIS.
23:59Which ISIS?
24:00ISIS-K.
24:00ISIS-L.
24:01OG ISIS.
24:02They've got different standards.
24:04I've heard.
24:08They're only PhDs, do they?
24:10They're hardest fucking committed.
24:11Takbir.
24:12I'm not trying to start a madresa, yeah?
24:14I'm just trying to bring in some real, actual protection.
24:16If you could just listen to me, for once.
24:18If I want your fucking protection, I'll ask for your extra small condoms.
24:22You like that one, don't you?
24:23Tiny lulli, yeah?
24:24Stop pressing me, cuz.
24:25I'm going to chat to Abba.
24:26We have to discuss this.
24:27You're doing my tattooing every day.
24:30Baba?
24:32What are you doing?
24:33Any fucking bag of one could just walk in.
24:35That's because you've taken off the back door.
24:37That's why I've hired a professional.
24:38I'm a professional.
24:39I'm not doubting that.
24:40If you let me do it, then it would be better for everyone.
24:43Sean Conry to the rescue, is it?
24:45How do you understand that?
24:48Shah, you better go and help me take this to the car.
24:51I...
24:53Sixty people's a lot for Reid.
24:54Your mommy needs my help.
24:58What are you putting?
25:00What are you doing?
25:02Chill, mommy.
25:03Bastard, you chill.
25:04Twenty fucking years, she's been trying to steal Eid.
25:07Already bringing her country swelling.
25:08Kebabs.
25:09I like kebabs.
25:10Daira.
25:10What are you doing?
25:12Naila!
25:13Hey!
25:14It's been two days.
25:15Eid's a joint effort.
25:16I'm just doing my part.
25:17You've done already so much.
25:19Shahju, take the pots inside.
25:21Why are you giving Naila Andy more work?
25:22It's nothing, Daira.
25:23I was telling you.
25:25I could be doing so much more.
25:27Well, after the night, sadly, it's no longer safe here, right?
25:30Why not move into my house?
25:32Who's not safe?
25:34Everybody, stop!
25:35Can you stop here, Baba?
25:36Baba, can you just come here, please?
25:37Can you stop the work, everyone?
25:38Right.
25:38Let's have a little chat about Eid and the plan.
25:40It's your plan, yeah?
25:41What?
25:42Outsourcing our protection.
25:43There is Freemason nonce.
25:44I'm not a nonce.
25:45Should've gone to the hotel.
25:46Nigel's here to help secure the house.
25:48Look at the house, Daira.
25:49There's nothing to be ready.
25:50House won't be ready.
25:51Food won't be ready.
25:51Naila, Naila, please, Shahju.
25:53Sorry guys, the prophet, please be upon him.
25:55Sorry.
25:56Exactly, exactly.
25:57He said it best when he said,
25:59trust in Allah, but tie up your camel.
26:04My guy, he knows his stuff.
26:05You gotta hand it to him.
26:06I just want to say that holy days like this are an absolute lightning rod for bad actors,
26:10so perhaps you should think about moving your celebrations to a different location.
26:13Hey Bencho, stop.
26:14One layover in Dubai thinks he knows our business.
26:16No, I've got tremendous respect for Islamic culture.
26:18Especially after six tours of Afghanistan.
26:23This is a war camera.
26:26The heroes have a lot of pain.
26:28Naila Ji.
26:29We will come with you.
26:30Let's do it.
26:31If something happened, then you're responsible.
26:35Okay Naila Ji.
26:38Mommy, I didn't...
26:40Mommy!
26:44Lovely to meet the family, colourful lot, aren't they?
26:46They really get after it.
26:48And your brother, he seems nice.
26:51He's not my brother.
26:52He's my cousin.
26:53But he was raised with us.
26:54Okay.
26:54It's complicated.
26:55All right.
26:55Well, look.
26:56This is for you, as you quote.
26:59Although, I would be willing to postpone payment, you know, in consideration of the future work.
27:06Because if my internet searches are correct, then you will be needing our services a lot more in the future.
27:10Oh!
27:11Let's see what happens.
27:13It's really reasonable.
27:14Could you just leave it with me?
27:14I'm getting a few different quotes in.
27:16That's fine.
27:16Okay.
27:17Oh, so did you want me to provide a personal for tonight?
27:20I can send one of my best guys.
27:21What you do?
27:22You asked me to do security now.
27:23For tonight?
27:24I did.
27:25Him?
27:25Yeah, so I won't be needing it.
27:27Thank you for coming by.
27:28Yeah, no.
27:29Absolute pleasure.
27:30Yeah.
27:31Oh, by the way.
27:32Those stolen dashcams.
27:33The battery life is...
27:34So, bring a charger.
27:36All right.
27:36You can have that for free.
27:38Cheers, Nigel.
27:39Why are you wasting your money on these render fees, bro?
27:42I've had your back since day.
27:53I heard you go into this gala tonight.
27:56On your own, or...?
27:59I've got a plus one.
28:02Is it?
28:04I haven't got any shoes on trainers.
28:07Can I arrange it?
28:10Go on, get ready, you fucker.
28:13No, no, no.
28:18Leave us
28:19leave us housing!
28:22Leave us housing!
28:25Leave us housing!
28:25Come on!
28:28Leave us housing!
28:29Leave us housing!
28:31Leave us housing!
28:32Oi, that is a proper go-fuck out of there.
28:34It's a good job I came to babysit you.
28:36Ah, bro, you might be taking care of the muscle, but I'm winning over the hearts and minds, yeah?
28:41But when you're in the middle of a culture war, that's the real battleground.
28:43Big man, how are you going to fucking battle them with your horny makeup face?
28:46What?
28:47You know the face that you do when you're on the red carpet.
28:49It looks like you're trying to shag that camera, but you're worried the camera's going to shag you back.
28:52No, I'm not. Don't put that in my head right now. You're going to put me off.
28:55Okay. For confirmation, cuz.
28:57What is that?
28:57Yeah?
28:58What, man? I look good there.
28:59You look like you're making a pervy version of fucking planet Earth.
29:01All right, let me just see something.
29:04Raj Taka?
29:05Motherfucker?
29:06All right, all right. Don't jizz on my level of seats. You can't afford to clean your feet.
29:09Okay, listen, let's just go there and smash it, all right?
29:11Brother, we are already fucking smashing it, okay?
29:13We are arriving in the Muba Prime experience. Look at this.
29:16Halal Harry Bowls. Customs, specifically branded Zamzam water.
29:19Your little mini dildo on the dashboard.
29:21Cuz, look at me. We are arriving like this.
29:23This is fast and furious, but without the four skins.
29:25You understand?
29:26Come on, let's get it, cuz, yes?
29:27Yeah, you ready?
29:28Yes, bro.
29:30Yeah!
29:32Come on, don't do that on the red carpet.
29:33I can't guarantee it.
29:46There's a lot of excitement, but also some displeasure at the idea of a Gujarati playing Bond.
29:53Proving those voices wrong has been my life's mission.
29:56How so?
29:58Well, it's why I want the role. It's why I'm here speaking to you.
30:01Is that why you wanted to make a speech at the King's Museum Gala?
30:04Exactly.
30:06To show people that this is what a hero can look like.
30:09To show them that this, too, is what British looks like.
30:16Hey, yo, listen.
30:17I support the team.
30:18I support the team.
30:19But when you finish tonight, please, get home with Muba.
30:22Okay?
30:22That's for you.
30:23Sorry, there's no service in your area.
30:25I'm Turkish.
30:26You're Turkish?
30:26Then there's service in your area.
30:28Excuse me, sister.
30:35Can I get a pick?
30:37You want a pick?
30:37I'll kill you next week.
30:38Hey, yo, guys.
30:39Guys, come and get a picture with your one and only fan.
30:41Come on.
30:42Oi.
30:43Bro, you're ignoring me.
30:44Bro, we've got to go, man.
30:45Why are you going in there?
30:47Man, slow down.
30:49You should be out here with us.
30:51Hey, yo, yo, yo.
30:52Make sure you made a photo with you.
30:53What's the problem?
30:54Bro, if I get a photo to take with them, it's not the right image I'm going for right now.
30:58All right?
30:58The real change happens in there.
30:59We've got to get in there.
31:02Listen, I know you think you're His Majesty's Secret Service or something, eh?
31:05But don't go full coconut pussy all around you tonight.
31:07Oh, yeah?
31:08Then don't go into father fuckboy on me, then.
31:10You want that respect, my guy?
31:11Keep it real, yeah?
31:12Okay, why don't you respect this?
31:14Watch and learn.
31:18You're doing it again?
31:18I'm not doing the face.
31:19You're doing the face again.
31:20Go on, then you do the face again.
31:21All right, let me show you.
31:23Nah.
31:24You know what that is?
31:25You're like a pedophile germ, bro.
31:27There's cameras.
31:27Why would you say pedophile?
31:28Because they don't have sound.
31:29It's for her.
31:29Mr. Lateef.
31:30Hi.
31:31So happy to be here.
31:32Really, I'm so glad to be here.
31:34This is my associate, Magra Machika Learn.
31:36Can I ask who I might speak to about my speech this evening?
31:40Oh, we don't have you done us doing a speech.
31:42Oh, I think it's because I'm a last-minute addition.
31:46Well, it'll be a new house, I suppose.
31:48Yeah.
31:49She's our new director.
31:50Okay.
31:51Oh, I'm guessing I have a plus one.
31:53Ah.
31:54Mr. Soufrakat Ali, CEO of Movie Enterprises.
31:57I just think it should be like an official record that I'm here tonight, so thank you.
32:02Cos, where the fuck have you bought us, man?
32:04This looks like the Jarl's bull sack.
32:07You're from humble beginnings like me.
32:09So, how's your family dealing with all this?
32:12The same way we deal with everything, as a team, together.
32:16I'm proud to say that we've all got each other's backs.
32:20Bro, this is mad.
32:21Yeah, I told you, bro.
32:22I've got stuff cooking.
32:23As-salamu alaykum.
32:24As-salamu alaykum.
32:25Sorry.
32:28All right.
32:30We've got to find this Vivian, yeah?
32:32Yeah.
32:33No point in me being here if I can't get on stage.
32:35There she is.
32:35Museum director, yeah?
32:36My God.
32:38The fuck are you, bro?
32:39Some eagle, bro.
32:40Look at this.
32:40All right, listen, I'm going to go work on it.
32:43Hey, yo, yo, shall we take team her?
32:44What?
32:45Not like that.
32:46I mean, like, convince her together, like, good packy, bad packy.
32:50What would that be like?
32:52Like, good cop, bad cop.
32:53I've got packies.
32:55I've got this one covered, yeah?
32:57You sure, yeah?
32:57Yeah, yeah, yeah, in a bit.
32:59I'll be here.
33:01Sing, let me tell you about this.
33:03You said to me anymore, mommy, so we're going to think I've been eating.
33:04You're too complex.
33:07He didn't get it.
33:08You didn't get it in your income.
33:09I'm sure.
33:11Vivian, Charlotte Eve.
33:13Oh, yes, of course, Mr. Lateef.
33:15I wonder if I could borrow you for a moment.
33:17Oh, absolutely.
33:18Although anything borrowed has to be given back now, apparently.
33:21What can I do for you, Mr. Lateef?
33:22I was actually wondering what I might be able to do for you.
33:25There's nobody like Muslims that can get you to where you need to be on time.
33:28Brother, we are on time for prayers five times a day.
33:30If you call me, brr, brr, Zulfi, can you get me to where I need to go?
33:34I'll get you there.
33:35This museum means a great deal to me, and I saw you had a number of protesters outside.
33:38Yes, and it thrills me to see young people engaging in a conversation about our shared heritage and culture.
33:45In fact, we invite this kind of dialogue.
33:47Is it a dialogue, though, if you don't have an ambassador of sorts to help bridge the divide between those
33:51on the inside and those out there?
33:53Who's your name?
33:54Ali Raza.
33:55Ali Raza, I'm feeling the Iran.
33:57Yes.
33:57Yeah, a bit of Farsi, my guy, come on.
33:59You see, we could be in that region.
34:01I, for one, would be honored to get up there and say a few words about how global Britain truly
34:07is, both in its artifacts and its people.
34:09You know, I'm an ape Indian.
34:10I did not.
34:12Wow.
34:12What about yourself? Where are you from?
34:13London.
34:14You're from London?
34:15You sound...
34:17Wait, originally from London?
34:19But I understand your latest acquisition is from a Muslim country.
34:22Yes, but treasures like the one we're unveiling tonight don't just belong to Islam.
34:25They belong to us all.
34:27So I can go up and say a few words? I'll be very brief.
34:30No, Miss Latif.
34:32That's simply not how we do things around here.
34:34This isn't a pop-up Banksy exhibit.
34:35Besides, we already have our dear friend Raj Thakar giving a speech.
34:38Enjoy your evening.
34:41And so I say to him, Your Majesty.
34:47And now, to the more uncomfortable part of our chat.
34:51But you didn't think this was going to be all softballs, did you?
34:55Raj Thakar, your rival?
34:57I wouldn't call him that.
34:59Come on, come on. You can be honest.
35:01I can't be in the same room as Ian Magneto McKellen.
35:05Oh, sorry. Sir, Ian Magneto McKellen.
35:08I just think that there's plenty of room for all of us at the top.
35:12Oh, please. A day ago, you were the only brown bloke up for the job.
35:16And now, there are two.
35:18And word on the web is he'd make a better bond.
35:21Yeah, well, I don't really pay attention to what people say about me.
35:23It's just not in my nature.
35:24You should, old chap.
35:26He's a bigger name with a bigger fan base.
35:29And I dare say he's thought of as a better actor.
35:32That's subjective.
35:34Cut the camel shit, Latif.
35:36You couldn't even convince that museum director to let you speak.
35:40How do you expect to convince the world that you can be Bond?
35:44You don't stand a chance in a whore's pyjamas, do you, you pussyhole?
35:50He's the good addition, you push-gun!
35:55No use being angry with me.
35:58You only have yourself to blame.
36:00I'm trying.
36:01Try harder.
36:03Do you understand?
36:07Here he is.
36:08Hey.
36:09Hey, sure I love this man. I haven't seen you in a minute, bro.
36:12How's it going?
36:12Yeah, when was the last time I saw you?
36:15Mango tree premiere.
36:16Yeah, yeah, yeah.
36:17Thank you for coming.
36:18Man, you were so good in that.
36:19Do you guys see that?
36:20Under the mango tree.
36:22So it's about this magical mango tree.
36:24This white woman eats a mango.
36:25She travels back in time to colonial India.
36:27Falls in love with this Indian guy.
36:29And they have this relationship over space and time.
36:31It's about her.
36:32Loves timeless and crosses all sorts of boundaries.
36:36I don't know why I didn't connect more.
36:37Actually, can I?
36:38Where are you from?
36:39Yeah, yeah.
36:39Just for it.
36:40Yeah.
36:40Thanks a lot.
36:42You look incredible, by the way.
36:43And very, very smart getting photographed in the tugs and holding that drink.
36:46It's just here to support one of our nation's most important cultural institutions.
36:53Just one thing's got people going mental, hasn't it?
36:56Yeah, people are passionate, man.
36:57It's just that the hate, though.
36:59The hate, it's a lot, right?
37:01I know you're probably getting a lot of that, too.
37:04Not really.
37:06Nothing to cry about.
37:07You just got to stay grateful.
37:09People are busting their asses at dead-end jobs just to put food on the table.
37:13We live in the dream.
37:14Yeah.
37:15Yeah.
37:15There we are.
37:15Yeah, hate's a small price to pay.
37:17It is.
37:17It's just some psycho sent a pig's head to my mom's house.
37:22Are you serious?
37:23Yeah.
37:23Fuck, you know.
37:24That's actually why I'm here.
37:26I want to show them that no amount of hate is going to make me hide.
37:30And actually, if this museum can house treasures from all around the world,
37:34then this country has to take in people from all around the world.
37:36Am I right?
37:37Yeah, preach.
37:38I just want to make a statement showing that this, this, too, is what British looks like.
37:43I love the passion, man.
37:45I'm so glad you said that because I heard that you're speaking later,
37:47and I was thinking maybe we could tag team it.
37:49Yeah, that's a great idea.
37:51Yeah.
37:52You've got something important to say.
37:53I want to be a part of that.
37:54Yeah.
37:54I'll tell you what, why don't I go up first, and then I'll bring you up.
37:57I would love that.
37:58Thank you, my brother.
37:59I love that, man.
38:00Of course.
38:01I really appreciate it.
38:01There you are.
38:03Hey.
38:03I know you.
38:04This is my security guy.
38:05The Mooba guy.
38:06Yeah, I overheard you chatting about it earlier.
38:08I love the concept.
38:09Thank you, brother.
38:09Yeah, yeah.
38:10Are you Muslim?
38:12Help me all.
38:12A little.
38:14Have you got a card?
38:15I'll spread the word.
38:16Nice.
38:18Yeah.
38:19Okay.
38:19I've got to go.
38:20That's my mom.
38:21You brought your mom?
38:21Yeah, yeah, yeah.
38:23I wouldn't be here without her, so.
38:24Shouldn't be here without her, you know?
38:26It's all thicker.
38:27That's me.
38:27That's to me.
38:28Good to see you, man.
38:29Yeah, you too.
38:31Man.
38:33He's either the sweetest twat I've ever met, or the thickest twat.
38:37You're a thick twat.
38:39What?
38:39Security guy.
38:42That's all I am to, honey.
38:43You literally told me to bring you here as security.
38:45Why are you getting cranky?
38:46Oh, you haven't broken fast, huh?
38:48No, I haven't.
38:49Of course I'm hungry, man.
38:49You don't eat a canapé?
38:50Champagne, gentlemen.
38:51Just have a little canapé, bro.
38:54Just have a little something to eat.
38:56Nothing here.
38:56It's halal.
38:57None of the little things, the big things.
38:58None of it.
38:58Have some halumi.
38:59Halumi.
39:00Halumi's not Israeli.
39:01That's what they want you to think.
39:02It's an Arabic.
39:03Cheers.
39:04Prove it to me.
39:04Google it.
39:05You know I don't use Google.
39:11Too kind.
39:14Good evening.
39:14In 2001, we watched in horror as Taliban fanatics laid waste to a once great nation's cultural heritage.
39:25We wept as monuments to peace were turned to rubble.
39:30But tonight, we right this wrong.
39:33After a nine-year, 15 million pound restoration project, it is my honor to present to you tonight
39:40the restored Buddha of Bamiyan.
39:57And now an extra special treat.
39:59It is with great enthusiasm that I invite tonight's guest speaker to the stage, the most gentleman
40:05of Vampire Hunter I've ever had the pleasure of meeting, Raj Dakar.
40:16It's an honor to be here, I mean.
40:19Wow.
40:21This museum is home to artifacts from around the globe.
40:26And so it should follow that England, too, is home to people from those same places.
40:31And tonight is a celebration.
40:32But I would like to speak with you all about my experiences as an Englishman and as a person
40:39of color, recently racist hate, took the form of a severed pig's head delivered to my family's doorstep.
40:51It was horrific.
40:53There was blood everywhere.
40:55My mother was left traumatized.
40:57Mummy, I'm sorry.
41:00But no amount of hate will make me hide.
41:04Those driven by prejudice, they need to see us in these spaces.
41:11And because this, too, is what British looks like.
41:21Excuse me, Sir Latif.
41:23Do you have a situation?
41:24A man claiming to be your brother has been harassing and racially profiling museum guests.
41:29What?
41:33Oh, and, uh, Sir Latif wanted to say something, too.
41:36I'm about to go on, man.
41:37Sir?
41:39Otherwise, we're going to have to escort him off the premises immediately.
41:42I don't know it.
41:50I know.
42:00So, let's talk about your big moment.
42:03The speech that never was.
42:05A silky bit of spycraft from Thacker.
42:07He's clearly made for the role.
42:10Not to mention, he can get the bleeding lines out.
42:15Nine?
42:16I can do better.
42:17I can.
42:18Can you now?
42:19Let's see.
42:21I also had a pig's head sent to mine for themselves.
42:28I, um...
42:29Nice one, dickhead.
42:31You're more frozen than me.
42:33But it's not your acting that's the problem, is it?
42:36It's who you are.
42:39You don't have the balls to be bombed.
42:43Hey, you're good.
42:44I'm not me, you're one and only fan.
42:45You turned your back on your own fans.
42:48Man, slow down.
42:49You turned your back on your own family.
42:52I can't get the fuck out of me, bro.
42:55Face it.
42:56People like you are never the heroes of the story.
43:00You'll always just be a scared little tacky.
43:09Send him back where he came from!
43:14I can't let you...
43:17Noah!
43:25Oh my God!
43:31Jesus...
43:41Yeah?
43:46Okay?
43:47Yeah, are you?
43:49What were you doing?
43:50Nothing. What were you doing?
43:52Nothing, bro. It's 2am.
43:54Were you talking to someone or what?
43:57Oh, sorry, man. I was just running lines.
43:59In a suit?
44:00Costume, innit?
44:02All right, well, the moon's been sired, so...
44:05Eid Mubarak.
44:07Yeah.
44:08Night-night, you weirdo.
44:13Eid Mubarak, bitch.
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