- 3 hours ago
Bait S01E01-2 (2026) [Full Movie] [Latest Version]Full EP - Full
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00:06You
00:42I suppose the term safe house is no longer apt.
00:47Nothing you touch is ever safe, is it?
00:52I told you not to come after me.
00:54James, she knows everything I know.
01:00If you have terrible taste in hostages, Wentworth was the mole.
01:05Could have just as easily aimed a few centimeters higher.
01:10Then it wouldn't have mattered to you at all, would it?
01:14Just as long as you're pleasing your masters.
01:18Tell me, when it's just you, all alone, how do you live with yourself?
01:26Do you even know who you are?
01:30Let's go.
01:39Sorry.
01:40Sorry.
01:43Sorry, Helen.
01:45It's all good.
01:46It's all good.
01:47It's just we're on a bit of a schedule.
01:50Yes, that's what I was thinking.
01:50Quick reset back to once.
01:51I'll nail it this time.
01:52How are you blowing this audition?
01:54I know the speech.
01:56I know it.
01:57Yeah, you fucked it up every time at the exact same moment.
02:02What is this, a prank show, wearing a hidden camera?
02:04It's funny.
02:05No, I just have a very particular process.
02:07I've got my head around it now.
02:08I'm ready.
02:09Sorry, guys.
02:10You just said we had to...
02:10Yeah, well, just a minute.
02:11Sorry.
02:12How was your weekend?
02:13That's good, thanks.
02:13How was yours?
02:13Great.
02:14Yeah, what did you do?
02:15Just...
02:16Yeah, thanks.
02:16Thanks, Jim.
02:17This is my set...
02:19Stop it.
02:20Sorry.
02:21You know what?
02:22They didn't want to see you.
02:24I had to convince them.
02:25So this is on me.
02:26I've got a confession to make.
02:29I'm lightheaded from fasting.
02:31It's the holy muslim month.
02:34It's called Ramadan.
02:37It involves no eating and drinking in the day.
02:40I'm lightheaded from...
02:41If I can have a bit of a cultural understanding.
02:43Well, I've just seen you drink apple juice.
02:45Six takes in a row.
02:47I tried.
02:48Just a shame you didn't.
02:52Thanks so much for coming in, Sharon.
02:54We'll be in touch.
03:04You want to know what it's like doing the dirty work?
03:07Fighting everybody and being nobody.
03:13I don't live with myself.
03:14I live with whoever you need me to be.
03:18The blood on my hands is mine.
03:20Because I kill a part of myself every day
03:24if I don't know who I am.
03:26Because you don't want to.
03:31You knew it.
03:33You knew it.
03:35What's wrong with you?
03:38Do you know who you are?
03:39I'll tell you who you are.
03:41You're a fucking failure.
03:43Who just shat on your last chance
03:45of being somebody.
03:47You should be ashamed of yourself.
03:49You are ashamed of yourself.
03:50Because you're ashamed of your family.
03:52You're fucking nobody.
03:53You're nothing.
03:53You're just a fucking...
03:54Dumb fucking baggy.
04:05Um...
04:07Come in.
04:10Um...
04:11I, uh...
04:13Forgot to grab your mic.
04:14I'll come back.
04:16Yo!
04:18Yo!
04:25I...
04:26Uh...
04:27Huh!
04:28Uh-oh!
04:32Uh-oh!
04:57I'm just, you know, there's a photographer
04:59camped out front, so I'm going to take you down the side.
05:02Oh, yeah, yeah.
05:03The press gets a pic of anyone who's auditioned
05:05and the whole Bond rumour mill goes crazy.
05:10Sorry, you know what?
05:11I just realised I left my charger in the dressing room.
05:14Oh, I'm happy to come with.
05:14I'll go and grab it. Another way.
05:16Are you sure?
05:16Thank you, though. Thanks a lot.
05:17OK.
05:31You all right?
06:16Hey, dude.
06:17What?
06:18I know you. Mate.
06:19I'm a huge fan.
06:21You're talented.
06:22No, no, no.
06:23Yes, you are.
06:24You're an exceptional actor.
06:25I want you to know that.
06:26Thank you, man.
06:27Listen, can I get a little video for my girlfriend, Heather?
06:29She's, like, obsessed with you, dude.
06:30Yeah, yeah.
06:31Babe, check it out.
06:32Walking down the street.
06:33Guess who I've ever been to?
06:35Deb fucking Patel.
06:36What?
06:37Deb Patel, just walking down the street.
06:40Say something about Slumdog.
06:41She loves Slumdog.
06:46It was an amazing honour to be part of Slumdog Millionaire.
06:49It was a great film that people loved, that I loved.
06:52I loved that film.
06:53I mean, my family, my community, I mean, internationally.
06:56He's not Dave Patel.
06:58What?
07:00He's not Dave Patel.
07:02Look how short he is.
07:03Dave is tall, strong, handsome, our Gujarati hero.
07:09Hello, it's Shah Jahan Latif.
07:10Are you the Shah Jahan place?
07:12Who's Shah's a...
07:14Shah's a...
07:14Shah Latif, Shah.
07:16That's me.
07:20Can we go, please?
07:21No problem, sir.
07:26As-salamu alaykum, Mr. Latif.
07:28I hope you are enjoying your mobile experience and that the temperature is of enjoyment for you.
07:34I asked for an asylum ride on the app, so...
07:36Sir, just one thing.
07:37Where are you from?
07:39Because you are looking like the packy, but you are talking like the honky-tonky, right?
07:42I don't like the jahadi, but you are looking like the sphincter.
07:46Sphincter?
07:46Wait, that's a bar?
07:47Of course I like that.
07:48You like sphincter, you just came to me like that.
07:49Thanks for picking me up, bro.
07:51Come on, man.
07:51I appreciate it.
07:52I wish my apology, please.
07:53You're awesome.
07:54I'm a shoulder.
07:54I'm a fucking love here.
07:55Oi, listen, did you bring the watch, yeah?
07:57Yeah, I couldn't find it.
07:58You couldn't find it or you didn't look?
07:59I did look.
08:00I'll be busy, okay?
08:01What do you always say?
08:01Bro, you're a dickhead.
08:04What the fuck is this doing here?
08:06I was going to tell you, but basically, I need that for my cars, bro.
08:09There's no brown dolls for saying that.
08:11It's weird.
08:11It's not a doll, bro.
08:12It's a limited edition collectible action figure of me from my film.
08:15You've got to ask me before you use my likeness.
08:18You need to chew your tits.
08:19First of all, this don't even look like you.
08:20And second of all, you've got a hundred of these many dildos lying around in the garage.
08:24It's not a dildo.
08:24It looks like a dildo to me.
08:25And I need them for my fleet anyway.
08:26Fleet?
08:27All right.
08:28Well, you and six guys, yeah?
08:29It's 26, actually.
08:31Fuck off.
08:32Yes.
08:32Things have been going very well.
08:34Got some serious investors interested.
08:35Muslim.
08:37Hmm.
08:38What?
08:39Say, mashallah.
08:40Mashallah.
08:40But if you're going to say it properly, mashallah, there you go.
08:43Does your investors know that nobody needs a Muslim Uber, bro?
08:46Uber in London is already Muslim.
08:48Right?
08:48Every next driver's named Abdi.
08:50Listen to me.
08:51We drive that thing, but we need to own our thing.
08:53And I want us to own this thing.
08:54Okay.
08:55Yeah?
08:55And if you're strapped for personal right now, I'll take you on as a driver.
08:58I don't mind.
08:59Don't need any money from you, bro.
09:00I got stuff cooking.
09:02There's no why I heard.
09:02I got stuff cooking.
09:03Where you go cooking?
09:04I can't tell you.
09:05Huh?
09:05Because this top secret, I signed an NDA.
09:07You ain't signed no NDA.
09:08I did.
09:08Non-disclosure agreement.
09:10I signed it.
09:10I understand what that means, but you ain't signed.
09:12Now, you ain't got shit going on.
09:12Bro, you're mistreturning for mine.
09:13Yeah, no, we didn't, actually, because we're going to Mummy and Barbas.
09:16What?
09:16Yes.
09:17No.
09:17What do you mean, no?
09:18What?
09:18I mean, no.
09:19Yes, we are, bro.
09:20Okay?
09:21You have not checked in on your mum in time.
09:22She's going to be gassed to see you.
09:24Bro, I'm not in a mood.
09:25Yeah?
09:25Can you turn it around?
09:26Well, I don't care if you're in a mood or not.
09:27Well, if you're getting free rides, you're going to make the stops.
09:31NDA.
09:47Come.
09:48Yeah, I'll come in a minute.
09:51Sometimes beating here is enough, you know.
09:53Okay, just one minute.
09:55I'm coming.
10:01I'll come in tomorrow, okay?
10:04I'm coming.
10:04I'm coming in tomorrow, okay?
10:05I'm going to get a personal shopper with Harrods.
10:06Yeah.
10:07Okay.
10:08I need a silver rally set tomorrow.
10:10No, no, no.
10:10Silver rally set?
10:11No, no, thank you.
10:12It will look good, right?
10:13Yes, yes.
10:13It is.
10:14It is.
10:14It is.
10:18Look at you.
10:19All grown up, huh?
10:20Such a strong boy.
10:22MashaAllah.
10:23Bye.
10:24Bye.
10:25Bye.
10:25Bye.
10:26Look who came here.
10:28Look who came here.
10:28Who knows?
10:29Hey, brother.
10:30Come here.
10:31Come here.
10:32Come here.
10:34No, no, no.
10:34No, no.
10:34You have been two weeks.
10:35Two months, bro.
10:36Yes.
10:37Couple of weeks.
10:38Yes, I can't.
10:39I'm dying for this job.
10:40Black audition thing.
10:41You're dying to not keep me your rosee.
10:43Yeah, oh, you're going to talk about it.
10:45Oh, you're going to talk about it.
10:46What's your tone?
10:46You should fast all year.
10:47Hey, brother.
10:48Do you know what's going on here?
10:50My mind has come here so many days.
10:52He bought a car, bought a car, bought a house.
10:56I bought a botox.
10:58I thought it was Marco Jackson when I came in the house.
11:01Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
11:02Maybe so.
11:04Don't worry about it.
11:05Come on, teacher.
11:07I haven't seen Google Alerts in a few times, right?
11:11Yeah.
11:11I don't know.
11:12I don't know.
11:13I don't know.
11:15Don't talk about it.
11:15Don't talk about it, OK?
11:16Just tell me.
11:19Well, I'm just to do a prayer.
11:24Just pray.
11:25Do a prayer for you.
11:26I pray for you all the time.
11:28Do a prayer for you.
11:29OK.
11:30Yeah, just do a prayer.
11:31Baba, have you seen a brown leather case about this big?
11:33It's got my name written on it in gold.
11:34Where are you from, brother?
11:35I don't know.
11:37I've got some stuff cooking.
11:39It takes time to make a film.
11:40Yeah, but you don't have time.
11:42When you take a pop-up.
11:44That was one scene in one film.
11:46You've been pervert on his newsreader all day.
11:48I don't know.
11:50Baba.
11:51Why aren't you showing up to these doctor's appointments, huh?
11:53They're expensive.
11:54I booked them for you so we can find out what's wrong.
11:56All the money you pay for,
11:58you don't have to take.
11:59Hey, cousin.
12:00Oh, shit.
12:01What are you saying?
12:02No, man.
12:03Oh, bless.
12:04What's this?
12:05What's what?
12:05You've been getting to take out your tags.
12:07Oh.
12:07Rah!
12:08Is that you, yeah?
12:10Baba.
12:11See how your boy's spending?
12:12Give me that.
12:13Why are you at home?
12:14Quit my job, man.
12:15Manager was a dickhead.
12:16Hey.
12:17Has anybody really bothered to charge me?
12:19He was a weirdo.
12:20If you need work experience,
12:21I could sort you from Felicia, don't you?
12:22No, no, no.
12:23Listen.
12:23If you really want to help me,
12:24take me to Taser's show tonight.
12:25Is he playing tonight?
12:27Yeah, why?
12:29I told you it can't work for me.
12:30Brother, I already sent you my counter offer.
12:3250% of my business.
12:33Yes, but do you believe in gender equality or nah?
12:36No, not really.
12:38Oh, my God.
12:41Sharpie, are you going to be the next James Bond?
12:44What?
12:46What?
12:47Wait, wait, wait.
12:48It might be cut.
12:48Can I have a look at that?
12:50Oh, shit.
12:51No, no, no, no.
12:51It's legit.
12:52What the fuck?
12:53Oh, my God.
12:54This is crazy.
12:55This is crazy, bro.
12:56Wait, wait, wait, wait.
12:57Chill, man.
12:58Check the website.
12:59It's BBC we contracted.
13:00Greg Daniel, what's going on?
13:01Why didn't you tell me?
13:03It's just an audition.
13:05It's just an audition.
13:05Man, man.
13:05It's 59.
13:07Listen, it's an audition.
13:08It's a photo from today's audition.
13:09What's the name of James Bond?
13:11What?
13:11James Bond is white.
13:13Why are you doing that?
13:14Why are you doing that?
13:15Why are you doing that?
13:15I'm the haram.
13:16Do you know how much sex James Bond does?
13:19Why are you doing that?
13:20Why are you doing that?
13:23Why are you doing that?
13:24Why are you doing that?
13:24Why are you doing that?
13:24I'm the haram.
13:25You're doing that.
13:25I'm actually doing that.
13:25You're doing that.
13:27Listen, it's okay to be a little bit excited.
13:29It's nice even just to have the opportunity.
13:31It's a big deal.
13:32Brown James Bond.
13:33James Bond should be proud.
13:34You're gonna be mad.
13:35This guy's face is gonna be fucking blasted everywhere.
13:37Imagine it.
13:38Daniel Kri got paid 20 M's for the last movie.
13:41My Shaju will get 21.
13:43Just calm down.
13:44It's just an audition, yeah?
13:45Call me if you need a body double for sex scenes.
13:47Stop.
13:48Stop.
13:49Can you tell her to call me soon?
13:50She comes back in.
13:52Yes, she comes back in.
13:52Yes, she comes back in.
13:54Why?
13:54Why don't you call me?
13:55I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing.
13:57I'm just gonna sort this out and work it out.
14:01Look at me.
14:02I'm proud of you.
14:04Yeah.
14:06Fucking James Bond.
14:07Come on, my guy.
14:07Let's see.
14:08Let's see what happens.
14:08Of course, inshallah.
14:09But do they know about the height?
14:11What do you mean?
14:13They're gonna give you special shoes.
14:14Like, James Bond's a big, ain't it?
14:19I'm just saying it for you.
14:25Hey, Felicia, can you call me back, please?
14:27I'm just wondering if the audition news league thing has helped me
14:30or, you know, fuck me.
15:04Yeah.
15:05Yeah.
15:06Yeah.
15:06Where have you been?
15:07Painting my nails on a fucking sunbed.
15:09What the fuck do you think?
15:10Listen, did you call the pap?
15:12I'm not that clever.
15:14What are they saying?
15:16Are they pissed?
15:16Well, they are very surprised.
15:19Fuck.
15:19About how much you're trending.
15:21Right?
15:22Because of the reaction, they might give you a second chance to audition.
15:25Fuck!
15:26Yes!
15:27Oh!
15:28You plus the female director is doing very well for the 18 to 34s
15:31and you know that demographic gets them all wet.
15:33Oh, my God.
15:34So, listen.
15:35Sit tight and let this play out.
15:37Oh, my God.
15:40That is amazing.
15:41That's really, really cool.
15:42God bless the internet.
15:44Yeah.
15:45So, just one thing.
15:47We can't just see how this plays out.
15:48We've got to do everything we can to get me back in there.
15:51Sha, I just told you.
15:53It's good.
15:53You're trending.
15:54Look.
15:55I'm just thinking.
15:56Maybe I should delete all the old music.
15:58Just the really political bits.
15:59What do you think?
16:00As your agent, let me deal with that stuff.
16:03You just need to act.
16:05Listen.
16:06There's videos of me online fucking pissing on a British flag.
16:09It's already out there.
16:10All you can do is own it.
16:12That makes you the edgy POC candidate.
16:14Yes.
16:14Fresh blood.
16:15So, new fans for the great old institution.
16:17Listen.
16:17Don't find a thing that got you here, you know.
16:19Huh.
16:19Okay, okay.
16:20So, what were you saying?
16:21Maybe I should lean into it?
16:24Or...
16:25Because Taze and them lot are doing a show tonight.
16:27I could maybe do a little thing there.
16:29There's nothing to lean into.
16:30You just are.
16:31Listen.
16:31Just don't do anything and stay home.
16:34Yeah, yeah, yeah.
16:35Done.
16:49puis...
16:50New tolay.
16:54New tolay.
16:57New tol.
16:59New tol mystical.
17:01New tol.
17:01New tol.
17:13oh shit hey what are you doing here me what are you doing here you're everywhere today
17:24pretty cool isn't it
17:41oh
17:42what's good look who's back on the street
17:45bruh bruh bruh brickshaw what's up bro this shit blew up huh yeah it's working
17:50you killed it man what do you say amy yes what are you doing there man are you meant to
17:55be protecting
17:55Gotham City right now what no they're not Gotham bro don't you know totally new batman it's not fair
18:00man it's James Bond hey bruh be easy with the hollywood big man shit but this is just an audition
18:05let's see you know what we need to take pictures for that girl
18:10same man all right it's good to see you i'm just thinking
18:13what forget it forget it it's cool man nah nah say it nah nah i'm just go on i just
18:18had a mad thought
18:19like wouldn't it be sick if i um i warmed up for you a lot tonight because i think the
18:24crowd would love
18:25be like a reunion be like old times bro and like how dare you bro you know nothing you just
18:30you
18:30come back you act like you own this place walking through here or like look at me look at me
18:35brother i didn't i didn't mean it like that i didn't mean
18:42you're a dickhead you're a dickhead i can't knock the hustle man yo maybe uh yeah i was thinking maybe
18:48i could come through the crowd like um you know like the old days bro i'll meet you on stage
18:52with
18:52the mic shaman uh there's like a lot of hate coming at you on the internet right now just don't
18:57pay
18:57attention to it right it's all bullsh-t
19:02london are you ready for a tape
19:35you
19:38you
19:39you
19:40you
19:40you
20:05I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
20:10If we go on our way, we have fallen.
20:13We forgive everyone, my brother.
20:19Yes, this is the word of Allah.
20:21Allah, Allah, Allah.
20:45Arse, tsunami, fuck, fuck, fuck, yeah, double o' seven.
21:06Shah Latif, welcome to Sir Chattrick Stewart with me,
21:10Sir Patrick Stewart.
21:12It's an honor to be here.
21:13The honor is all mine.
21:15I've hosted many fine actors on my little podcast, but few who have had such an eventful
21:2124 hours.
21:22It's been a wild ride already, that's for sure.
21:24Now, I know a bond or two, Daniel Craig's dear friend, big shoes to fill.
21:30Do you think you're up to the job?
21:33Yes.
21:35Yes, I do.
21:37Now, more than ever, I'm ready to show the world that I've got what it takes.
21:42Nigel Murray, how are you?
21:43Vanguard.
21:44Good, yeah.
21:45At least she tells me you do security for all the top wankers.
21:48Yeah, that's right, yeah.
21:50I'm always happy to take on a few up and coming wankers as well.
21:54Do you do personal?
21:55Because I might have an event tonight.
21:57Yeah, I'm ready to do the full service.
21:58Even got a food taster if you need one.
22:00Right.
22:00Tell you what, let's have a look in the house and we can talk about that afterwards.
22:03So, house is two points of entry, hostile object into the front bay window.
22:08Those and the doors may need reinforcing and I was thinking maybe some visual deterrence
22:11along the perimeter if you have the bodies.
22:13Sixty friendlies expected tomorrow.
22:15Wow.
22:16You really know your stuff?
22:17Well, I played the translator in Homeland Season 7.
22:20Yes.
22:21Yes, yes, you did.
22:22They got a lot of shit wrong on that show.
22:24Come on.
22:24Okay.
22:25All right.
22:26Your guests are for Idel Fettir, I presume.
22:28Yeah?
22:29Yeah.
22:29Okay.
22:29Yeah.
22:30Yeah, just want to make sure everyone feels safe.
22:32Yeah, sure.
22:34It might make more sense for you to start off upstairs.
22:37I know it's harder to defend a position at a higher altitude, isn't it?
22:39Yeah.
22:40Okay.
22:40Well, I'll take my shoes off and go upstairs.
22:42Yeah.
22:42Do you agree?
22:43You can't really act this role.
22:45Part of you has to be it.
22:47Absolutely.
22:49Absolutely.
22:50Yeah.
22:51Yeah.
22:52Luckily, I'm already very experienced at navigating attacks of various kinds.
22:56Whether in the public eye or on the home front, as it were.
23:01Yep.
23:01You just got here.
23:02Oh, Mandarin Oriental.
23:03Sorted.
23:03Thank you for stopping out, Felicia.
23:04I'll speak to you later about the collar.
23:06All right?
23:06Bye.
23:07What are you showing me right now?
23:08It's a hotel.
23:08Okay?
23:09They do free stays for celebs.
23:10Like Michelle Yeoh, Diggity, fucking Northwest Nanny.
23:14And?
23:15Bro, your followers are blowing up.
23:16Okay?
23:16It's a five-star safe house.
23:18All of us, one week, is free.
23:20Obviously, minus my costs.
23:21But...
23:21Yeah?
23:23Look, we're not going to a hotel.
23:24I'm dealing with it.
23:25I'm not going to get anything happen to you.
23:27You don't need to be afraid.
23:28I'm not afraid.
23:29Talking about man.
23:40What the fuck's all this?
23:41What does it look like?
23:42Security?
23:42I told you that I had security sorted, so...
23:45Chill your pum pum out.
23:46Learn from that man.
23:47It's not a fucking movie, yeah?
23:48Is it?
23:49What you want to ask?
23:49Where you got this from?
23:50All this?
23:52Allah provides, bro.
23:54Does he?
23:54Yes.
23:55Does he provide discount rate mujahideen as well?
23:57I know these guys, but they're too thick to make it into ISIS.
23:59Which ISIS?
24:00ISIS-K.
24:00ISIS-L.
24:01OG ISIS.
24:02They've got different standards.
24:04I've heard.
24:08They're only PhDs, do they?
24:10Their heart is fucking committed.
24:11Takbir.
24:12I'm not trying to start.
24:13I'm a dresser, yeah?
24:14I'm just trying to bring in some real, actual protection.
24:16If you could just listen to me, for once.
24:18If I want your fucking protection, I'll ask for your extra small condoms.
24:22You like that one, don't you?
24:23Tiny lulli, yeah?
24:24Stop pressing me, cuz.
24:25I'm going to chat to Abba.
24:26We have to discuss this.
24:27You're doing my butt doing everything.
24:30Baba?
24:32What are you doing?
24:33Any fucking vagabond.
24:34Any fucking vagabond.
24:34You could just walk in.
24:35That's because you've taken off the back door.
24:37That's why I've hired a professional.
24:38I'm a professional.
24:39I'm not doubting that.
24:40If you let me do it, then it would be better for everyone.
24:43Sean Conry to the rescue, is it?
24:45How do you understand that?
24:47Shah, brother.
24:48Shah, you better go here and help me take this to the car.
24:51I...
24:51Come on.
24:53Sixty people's a lot for Reid.
24:54Your mommy needs my help.
24:58What are you doing?
25:02Chill, mommy.
25:03Bastard, you chill.
25:04Twenty fucking years, she's been trying to steal Eid.
25:06Already bringing her country's swelling.
25:08Kebabs.
25:09I like kebabs.
25:10Daira.
25:11What are you doing?
25:12Naila.
25:13Hey.
25:14Two days ago.
25:15Eid's a joint effort.
25:16I'm just doing my part.
25:17No, no, no.
25:17You've done already so much.
25:19Shahju, take the pots inside.
25:21Why are you giving Naila Andy more work?
25:22It's nothing, Daira.
25:23I was telling Shahju.
25:25I could be doing so much more.
25:27Last night, sadly, it's no longer safe here.
25:30Why not move into my house?
25:32Who's not safe?
25:34Everybody stop.
25:35Can you stop here, Baba?
25:36Baba, can you just come here, please?
25:37Can you stop the work, everyone?
25:38Right.
25:38Let's have a little chat about Eid and the plan.
25:40What's your plan, yeah?
25:41What?
25:42Outsourcing our protection.
25:43There is Freemason nonce.
25:44I'm not a nonce.
25:45Should've gone to the hotel.
25:46Nigel's here to help secure the house.
25:49The house won't be ready.
25:50House won't be ready.
25:51Food won't be ready.
25:51Naila, Naila.
25:52Please, Shahju.
25:53Sorry, guys.
25:54The Prophet.
25:54Please be upon him.
25:55So long.
25:56Exactly.
25:57Exactly.
25:57He said it best when he said,
25:59Trust in Allah, but tie up your camel.
26:04My guy.
26:04He knows his stuff.
26:05You gotta hand it to him.
26:06I just wanna say that holy days like this are an absolute lightning rod for bad actors.
26:09So perhaps you should think about moving your Eid celebrations to a different location.
26:13Hey, Bencho.
26:14Stop.
26:14One layover in Dubai thinks he knows our business.
26:16Who is this?
26:16I've got tremendous respect for Islamic culture.
26:18Especially after six tours of Afghanistan.
26:23This is a walk camera.
26:26You've got a lot of trouble.
26:26You've got a lot of trouble.
26:28Naila Ji.
26:29We'll come back with you.
26:30Please, please.
26:32If something happened, then you're responsible.
26:35Okay, Naila Ji.
26:37Tch.
26:38Mummy, don't.
26:39I didn't.
26:40Mummy.
26:44Lovely to meet the family.
26:45Colourful lot, aren't they?
26:46They really get after it.
26:48And your brother, he seems nice.
26:51Well, he's not my brother.
26:52He's my cousin.
26:53But he was raised with us.
26:54Okay.
26:54It's complicated.
26:55All right.
26:55Well, look.
26:56This is for you.
26:58There's your quote.
26:59Although, I would be willing to postpone payment, you know, in consideration of the future
27:06to work because if my internet searches are correct, then you will be needing our services
27:09a lot more in the future.
27:10Oh.
27:11Well, let's see what happens.
27:13It's really reasonable.
27:14Could you just leave it with me?
27:14I'm getting a few different quotes soon.
27:16That's fine.
27:16Okay.
27:17Oh, so did you want me to provide a personal for tonight?
27:20I can send one of my best guys.
27:21What did you do?
27:22You asked me to do security, no?
27:23For tonight?
27:24I did.
27:25Him?
27:25Yeah, so I won't be needing it.
27:27Thank you for coming by.
27:28Yeah, no.
27:29Absolute pleasure.
27:30Yeah.
27:31Well, oh, by the way, I've stolen dash cams.
27:33The battery life is, so bring the charger.
27:36I'm alright.
27:36You can have that for free.
27:38Cheers, Nigel.
27:39Why are you wasting your money on these render fees, bro?
27:42I've had your back since day.
27:53Do you go into this gala tonight?
27:56On your own, or?
27:59I've got a plus one.
28:01Is it?
28:04You haven't got any shoes on trainers.
28:07Can I range it?
28:09Go on, get rid of you, fucker.
28:32Wait, that is a proper go fucker day.
28:34It's a good job I came to babysit you.
28:36Ah, bro, you might be taking care of the muscle, but I'm winning over the hearts and minds,
28:39yeah?
28:41But when you're in the middle of a culture board, that's the real battleground.
28:43Big man, how are you gonna fucking battle them with your horny make-up face?
28:46What?
28:46You know the face that you do when you're on the red carpet.
28:49It looks like you're trying to shag that camera, but you're worried the camera's gonna shag you out.
28:52No, I'm not.
28:52Don't put that in my head right now.
28:54You're gonna put me off.
28:55Okay.
28:56For confirmation.
28:56What is that?
28:57Yeah?
28:58What, man?
28:58I look good there.
28:59You look like you're making a pervy version of fucking planet Earth.
29:01Alright, let me just see something.
29:04Raj Taka?
29:05Mother fucker?
29:06Is it?
29:06Alright, alright.
29:07Don't jizz on my level of seats.
29:08You can't afford the cleaning fee.
29:09Okay, listen, let's just go there and smash it, alright?
29:11Brother, we are already fucking smashing it, okay?
29:13We are arriving in the Muba Prime experience.
29:15Look at this.
29:16Halal Harry Bowls.
29:17Custom, specifically branded Zamzam water.
29:19You're a little mini dildo on the dashboard.
29:21Cuz, look at me.
29:22We are arriving like this is fast and furious, but without the four skins.
29:25You understand?
29:26Come on, let's get it, cuz, yes?
29:27Yeah, you ready?
29:28Yes, bro.
29:30Yeah!
29:32Come on, don't do that on the red carpet.
29:33I can't guarantee it.
29:46There's a lot of excitement, but also some displeasure at the idea of a Gujarati playing Bond.
29:53Proving those voices wrong has been my life's mission.
29:56How so?
29:57Well, it's why I want the role.
29:59It's why I'm here speaking to you.
30:01Is that why you wanted to make a speech at the King's Museum Gala?
30:04Exactly.
30:06To show people that this is what a hero can look like.
30:09To show them that this, too, is what British looks like.
30:16Hey, yo, listen.
30:17I support the team.
30:18I support the team.
30:19But when you finish tonight, please, get home with Muba.
30:22Okay?
30:22That's for you.
30:23Sorry, there's no service in your area.
30:25I'm Turkish.
30:26You're Turkish?
30:26Then there's service in your area.
30:28Excuse me, sister.
30:30Yo!
30:30Shut up!
30:32MC Rickshaw, mate!
30:35Can I get a pick?
30:37You want a pick?
30:37I'll kill you next week.
30:38Hey, yo, guys!
30:39Guys!
30:40Come and get a picture with your one and only fan.
30:41Come on.
30:42Oi!
30:43Bro, you're ignoring me.
30:44Bro, we gotta go, man.
30:45Why are you going in there?
30:47Man, slow down!
30:49You should be out here with us!
30:51Hey, yo, yo, yo!
30:52Make sure you made a photo with you.
30:53What's the problem?
30:54Bro, if I get a photo to take with them, it's not the right image I'm going for right now.
30:58Alright?
30:58The real change happens in there.
30:59We gotta get in there.
31:02Listen, I know you think you're His Majesty's Secret Service or something, eh?
31:05But don't go full coconut pussy all around you tonight.
31:07Oh, yeah?
31:08Then don't go into father fuckboy on me, then.
31:10You want that respect, my guy?
31:11Keep it real, yeah?
31:12Okay, why don't you respect this?
31:14Watch and learn.
31:18You're doing it again?
31:18I'm not doing the face.
31:20You're doing the face again.
31:21Alright, let me show you.
31:23Nah.
31:24You know what that is?
31:25You look like a paedophile germal, bro.
31:27There's cameras.
31:27Why would you say Peter find a camera?
31:28Because they don't have sound.
31:29It's follow up.
31:29Mr. Lateef.
31:30Hi.
31:31So happy to be here.
31:32I'm so glad to be here.
31:34This is my associate.
31:35Um, can I ask, um, who I might speak to about my speech this evening?
31:40Oh.
31:41We don't have you done us doing a speech.
31:42Oh.
31:42I think it's because I'm a last, a last minute addition.
31:45So.
31:46Well.
31:47It'll be a new house, I suppose.
31:48Yeah.
31:49She's our new director.
31:50Okay.
31:50Oh, I'm guessing I have a plus one?
31:53Uh.
31:54Mr. Soufricard Elliott, CEO of Movie Enterprises.
31:57I just think it should be like an official record that I'm here tonight.
31:59So, thank you.
32:02Cuz, where the fuck have you bought us, man?
32:04This looks like the Jarl's bull sack.
32:07You're from humble beginnings like me.
32:09So, how's your family dealing with all this?
32:12It's the same way we deal with everything.
32:14It's a team.
32:15Together.
32:16I'm proud to say that we've all got each other's backs.
32:20Bro, this is mad.
32:21Yeah, I told you, bro.
32:22I've got stuff cooking.
32:23Assalamu Alaikum.
32:24Assalamu Alaikum.
32:25Sorry.
32:28Alright.
32:30We've got to find this Vivian, yeah?
32:32Yeah.
32:33No point in me being here if I can't get on stage.
32:35There she is.
32:35Museum director, yeah?
32:36My God.
32:38The fuck are you, bro?
32:39Some eagle, bro.
32:40Look at this.
32:40Alright, listen.
32:42I'm gonna go work on it.
32:43Hey, yo, yo.
32:43Shall we take team her?
32:44What?
32:45Not like that.
32:46Convince her together.
32:47Like, good paki, bad paki.
32:50What would that be like?
32:52Like, good cop, bad cop.
32:53I've got packies.
32:55I've got this one covered, yeah?
32:57You sure, yeah?
32:57Yeah, yeah, yeah.
32:58In a bit.
32:59I'll be here.
33:01Sing, let me tell you about this.
33:07You didn't get it.
33:11I'm Vivian.
33:12Char Latif.
33:13Oh, yes.
33:14Of course, Mr. Latif.
33:15I wonder if I could borrow you for a moment.
33:17Oh, absolutely.
33:18Although anything borrowed has to be given back now, apparently.
33:21What can I do for you, Mr. Latif?
33:22I was actually wondering what I might be able to do for you.
33:25There's nobody like Muslims that can get you to where you need to be on time.
33:28Brother, we are on time for prayers five times a day.
33:30If you call me, brr, brr, Zulfi.
33:32Can you get me to where I need to go?
33:34I'll get you there.
33:34This museum means a great deal to me, and I saw you had a number of protesters outside.
33:39Yes, and it thrills me to see young people engaging in a conversation about our shared
33:44heritage and culture.
33:45In fact, we invite this kind of dialogue.
33:47Is it a dialogue, though, if you don't have an ambassador of sorts to help bridge the
33:50divide between those on the inside and those out there?
33:53Who's your name?
33:54Ali Reza.
33:55Ali Reza.
33:55I'm feeling the Iran.
33:57Yes.
33:57Yeah, bit of Farsi, my guy.
33:59Come on.
33:59So we could be in that region.
34:00I, for one, would be honored to get up there and say a few words about how global Britain
34:06truly is, both in its artifacts and its people.
34:09Well, you know I'm an eighth Indian.
34:10I did not.
34:11Wow.
34:12What about yourself?
34:13Where are you from?
34:13London.
34:14You're from London?
34:15You sound...
34:17Originally from London?
34:19But I understand your latest acquisition is from a Muslim country.
34:22Yes, but treasures like the one we're unveiling tonight don't just belong to Islam.
34:25They belong to us all.
34:27So I can go up and say a few words?
34:29I'll be very brief.
34:30No, Miss Latif.
34:32That's simply not how we do things around here.
34:34This isn't a pop-up Banksy exhibit.
34:35Besides, we already have our dear friend Raj Thakar giving a speech.
34:38Enjoy your evening.
34:41And so I say to him, Your Majesty.
34:47And now, to the more uncomfortable part of our chat.
34:51You didn't think this was going to be all softballs, did you?
34:55Raj Thakar, your rival?
34:57I wouldn't call him that.
34:58Come on.
35:00Come on.
35:00You can be honest.
35:01I can't be in the same room as Ian Magneto McKellen.
35:05Oh, sorry.
35:06Sir, Ian Magneto McKellen.
35:08I just think that there's plenty of room for all of us at the top.
35:12Oh, please.
35:13A day ago, you were the only brown bloke up for the job.
35:16And now, there are two.
35:18And word on the web is he'd make a better bond.
35:21Yeah, well, I don't really pay attention to what people say about me.
35:23It's just not in my nature.
35:24You should, old chap.
35:26He's a bigger name with a bigger fan base.
35:29And I dare say he's thought of as a better actor.
35:32That's subjective.
35:34Cut the camel shit, Latif.
35:36You couldn't even convince that museum director to let you speak.
35:40How do you expect to convince the world that you can be Bond?
35:44You don't stand a chance in a whore's pyjamas, do you?
35:48You pussy hole.
35:50He needs to go on a dissing, you pussy cunt!
35:55No use being angry with me.
35:58You only have yourself to blame.
36:00I'm trying.
36:01Try harder.
36:03Do you understand?
36:07There he is.
36:08Hey!
36:09Hey, Charlotte.
36:10Man, I haven't seen you in a minute, bro.
36:12How's it going?
36:12Yeah, when was the last time I saw you?
36:14Um...
36:15Mango tree premiere.
36:16Yeah, yeah, yeah.
36:17Thank you for coming.
36:17Man, you were so good in that.
36:19Do you guys see that?
36:20Under the mango tree.
36:22So it's about this magical mango tree.
36:24This white woman eats a mango.
36:25She travels back in time to colonial India.
36:27Falls in love with this Indian guy.
36:29And they have this relationship over space and time.
36:30And it's about how...
36:31Love's timeless and crosses all sorts of boundaries.
36:36I don't know why I didn't connect more.
36:37Actually, can I?
36:38Where are you from?
36:39Yeah, yeah.
36:40Thanks a lot.
36:42You look incredible, by the way.
36:43And very, very smart.
36:44Getting photographed in the tugs and holding that drink.
36:46It's a...
36:47Just here to support one of our nation's most important cultural institutions.
36:51Um...
36:53Just...
36:53One thing's got people going mental, hasn't it?
36:56Yeah, people are passionate, man.
36:57Yeah.
36:57It's just...
36:58The hate, though.
36:59The hate is...
37:00It's a lot, right?
37:01I know you're probably...
37:02Probably getting a lot of that, too.
37:04Not really.
37:06Nothing to cry about.
37:07You just gotta stay grateful.
37:09People are busting their asses at dead-end jobs.
37:12Just to put food on the table.
37:13We live in the dream.
37:14Yeah.
37:15Yeah, we are.
37:15Yeah, hate's a small price to pay.
37:17It is.
37:17It's just some...
37:18Psycho sent a pig's head to my mum's house.
37:21So...
37:22You serious?
37:23Yeah.
37:23Fuckin' hell.
37:24That's actually why I'm here.
37:26Um...
37:26I wanna show them that no amount of hate is gonna make me hide.
37:30And actually, if this museum can house treasures from all around the world, then this country
37:34has to take in people from all around the world.
37:36Am I right?
37:37Yeah, preach.
37:38I just wanna make a statement showing that this...
37:41This, too, is what British looks like.
37:43I love the passion, man.
37:45I'm so glad you said that because I heard that you're speaking later and I was thinking
37:48maybe we could tag team it.
37:49Yeah.
37:50Yeah, that's a great idea.
37:51Yeah.
37:52You've got something important to say.
37:53I wanna be a part of that.
37:54Yeah.
37:54I tell you what, why don't I go up first and then I'll bring you up.
37:57I would love that.
37:58Thank you, my brother.
37:59I love that, man.
38:00Of course.
38:01I really appreciate it.
38:01There you are.
38:03Hey.
38:03I know you.
38:04Oh, this is my security guy.
38:05The Muba guy.
38:06Yeah.
38:07I overheard you chatting about it earlier.
38:08I love the concept.
38:09Thank you, brother.
38:10Are you Muslim?
38:12Help me all.
38:12A little.
38:14Yeah.
38:14Have you got a card?
38:15I'll spread the word.
38:16Nice.
38:18Yeah.
38:19Okay.
38:19I gotta go.
38:20That's my mum.
38:21You brought your mum?
38:21Yeah, yeah, yeah.
38:23I wouldn't be here without her, so...
38:24Shouldn't be here without her, you know?
38:26Zulfikar.
38:27That's me.
38:27That's me.
38:28Good to see you, man.
38:29Yeah, you too.
38:31Man.
38:33He is either the sweetest twat I've ever met, or the thickest twat.
38:37You're a thick twat.
38:39What?
38:39Security guy.
38:42That's all I am to you, man.
38:43You literally told me to bring you here as security.
38:45Why are you getting cranky?
38:46Oh, you haven't broken fast, huh?
38:48No, I haven't.
38:49Of course I'm hungry, man.
38:49Did you eat a canapé?
38:50Champagne, gentlemen.
38:51Just have a little canapé, bro.
38:54Have a little something to eat.
38:56Nothing here.
38:56It's halal.
38:57None of the little things, the big things.
38:58None of it.
38:58Have some halumi.
38:59Halumi.
39:00Halumi's not Israeli.
39:01That's what they want you to think.
39:02It's an Arabic.
39:03Cheers.
39:04Prove it to me.
39:04Google it.
39:05You know I don't use Google.
39:11Too kind.
39:13Good evening.
39:16In 2001, we watched in horror as Taliban fanatics laid waste to a once great nation's cultural heritage.
39:24We wept as monuments to peace were turned to rubble.
39:30But tonight, we right this wrong.
39:33After a nine year, 15 million pound restoration project, it is my honor to present to you tonight the restored
39:42Buddha of Bamiyan.
39:57And now an extra special treat.
39:59It is with great enthusiasm that I invite tonight's guest speaker to the stage.
40:04The most gentle mini vampire hunter I've ever had the pleasure of meeting.
40:08Raj Dakar.
40:16It's an honor to be here.
40:17I mean, wow.
40:21This museum is home to artifacts from around the globe.
40:26And so it should follow that England, too, is home to people from those same places.
40:31And tonight is a celebration, but I would like to speak with you all about my experiences as an Englishman
40:36and as a person of color.
40:40Recently, racist hate took the form of a severed pig's head delivered to my family's doorstep.
40:51It was horrific.
40:53There was blood everywhere.
40:55My mother was left traumatized.
40:57Mummy, I'm sorry.
41:00But no amount of hate will make me hide.
41:03Those driven by prejudice.
41:07They need to see us in these spaces.
41:12And because this, too, is what British looks like.
41:21Excuse me, Mr. Latif.
41:23Do you have a situation?
41:24A man claiming to be your brother has been harassing and racially profiling museum guests.
41:29What?
41:32Oh, and Shah Latif wanted to say something, too.
41:36I'm about to go on, man.
41:37Shah?
41:39Otherwise, we're going to have to escort him off the premises immediately.
41:41I don't know.
41:50I don't know.
41:51I don't know.
41:59So, let's talk about your big moment.
42:02The speech that never was.
42:05A silky bit of spycraft from Thacker.
42:07He's clearly made for the role.
42:10Not to mention, he can get the bleeding lines out.
42:15Nine?
42:16I can do better.
42:17I can.
42:18Can you now?
42:20Let's see.
42:21I also had a pig's head sent to my mom's house.
42:28I, um...
42:29Nice one, dickhead.
42:31You're more frozen than me.
42:33But it's not your acting that's the problem, is it?
42:36It's who you are.
42:39You don't have the balls to be bombed.
42:42Shut up!
42:43Hey, yo, cut.
42:44I'm a meat one and only fan.
42:45You turned your back on your own fans.
42:48Man, slow down!
42:49You turned your back on your own family.
42:52I can't even fuck with me, bro.
42:55Face it.
42:56People like you are never the heroes of the story.
43:00You'll always just be a scared little packy.
43:09Send him back where he came from!
43:14No!
43:17No!
43:18No!
43:23Oh!
43:26Oh!
43:30Oh!
43:30Please.
43:32Oh!
43:34Eh, eh, eh, eh.
43:41Yeah?
43:45You OK?
43:47Yeah, are you?
43:48What were you doing?
43:50Nothing. What were you doing?
43:52Nothing, bro. It's 2am.
43:54Were you talking to someone or what?
43:56Oh, sorry, man. I was just running late.
43:59In a suit.
44:00Cost you a minute.
44:02Eh, well, the moon's been sighted, so...
44:05Eve Mubarak.
44:07Eh.
44:08Night-night, you weirdo.
44:13Eve Mubarak, bitch.
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