- 13 minutes ago
Going Dutch - Season 2 Episode 9 -
Apache Helicopter Parent
Apache Helicopter Parent
Category
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FunTranscript
00:01Stroopzorf is so honored to be hosting its first international peace talks, and we are
00:05proposing that we throw the events with a spa theme.
00:08We're building up to the park.
00:09Seriously? Been dragging this thing around for 30 minutes.
00:12Okay.
00:12You know what? Someone else can move it.
00:15As I was saying, we are honored to be hosting, and we think it would be...
00:19Honored could be pushing it a bit, sir. You know how I feel about these things.
00:21My old saying, those who can't fight, negotiate.
00:24Well, we all know that the only reason this is happening here is because you've been making
00:28kissy kissy with General Martin.
00:30Somebody sounds a little bit jealous.
00:32Okay.
00:33We can all agree that we need these talks to go well.
00:36Yes.
00:36So it's important that we make the delegates feel like they are...
00:39Wine moms at 8.15 a.m. on the first day of school.
00:42Which is why we have the Army's only on-site sommelier.
00:45This is a 1986 Chateau Bordeaux.
00:48It's full-bodied with hints of black currant and a velvety finish.
00:52And we have a sauna now, sir, which is basically a cedar closet that we emptied out and filled up
00:56with space heaters,
00:57but it is hot in there and people can go pantsless.
01:00And wrap themselves in luxurious towels.
01:03Mm-hmm.
01:03These swans are good.
01:04I genuinely don't know how to be bad at something.
01:06Did you ever work on a carnival cruise?
01:08And I'm a masseuse, but only chicks.
01:12You know what?
01:12I'm sold.
01:13Yes.
01:14Don't change a thing.
01:16And these swans are really a lovely touch.
01:20Oh, my God.
01:22Thank you, sir.
01:22You're welcome.
01:23All right.
01:25I knew it.
01:26I knew he would love these ideas, right?
01:28Shut it down.
01:29What?
01:29No, no.
01:30He hates it.
01:30He's going to sabotage us.
01:32He clearly loves you.
01:33I know what I'm talking about.
01:35I'll tell you this, Colonel.
01:37You have made some excellent soda back there.
01:39My skin is glowing.
01:41Oh, do you need this towel to make another swan?
01:43No, no, no.
01:45Hey!
02:04So far, I'm liking working together.
02:06I know.
02:07You can't beat the commute from the bedroom, right?
02:09All right.
02:10The first delegates are arriving in five minutes.
02:13Diplomacy is my least favorite part of the job.
02:15Worse than when I dug a bullet out of my thigh with a knife.
02:17Although, it was kind of satisfying.
02:19It was like a fleshy Easter egg hunt.
02:21I think peace is just completely overrated.
02:23I mean, we have all these great war machines like fighter jets and tanks.
02:26And, you know, kids aren't interested anymore.
02:28I blame video games.
02:29I think people are just squandering their blood loss on couches.
02:32Thankfully, I have an aide to camp who handles the logistics for me.
02:35She's good.
02:35Just don't mention Amsterdam.
02:37She went there last week, and she won't stop talking about the Van Gogh Museum.
02:40What is wrong with this generation of soldiers?
02:42We don't want to hear about your stupid dreams and your fantasy football
02:46and some guy that cut his ear off.
02:48Keep it to yourself.
02:49Speaking of faking interest, I'm going to have to do a lot of that this week.
02:52It's kind of key to my battle strategy.
02:55See, the real talks don't happen at the talks.
02:57Those talks are the fake talks.
02:59The real, real talks happen outside the fake, real talks.
03:03God, this is why I love guns.
03:12Admiral, nice to see you.
03:14Oh, Generale, I knew that jury would acquit you.
03:17And what a hat!
03:18Huh.
03:19That hat is a war crime.
03:20I can't do this.
03:21All right.
03:22Would you care for some Stroopstorf Swiss?
03:24You know, its roots actually go all the way back to World War II
03:27when an American soldier romanced a local cheesemonger's daughter.
03:31In Dutch, it's known as
03:35or unplanned pregnancy cheese.
03:37Enjoy.
03:39What the hell's going on here?
03:41They got you on cheese duty?
03:43General Martin's aide-de-camp that Major Higley put me in as greeter,
03:47but I thought I would take it as an opportunity
03:48to show people what Stroopstorf is all about.
03:50I'm honored to be but a small piece of the peace process.
03:55You know what's going on here?
03:56Mm.
03:57She has you assigned to an outpost far from the action
03:59while she is on the front line soaking up all the glory and the connections, okay?
04:03She is sidelining you.
04:05I am going to excel at the job that I was given, and that is how you win.
04:09No, honey, that's how you give up and lose.
04:10You need to go Quinn or go home. That's what you need to do.
04:14You said that you were going to be in your office all day.
04:16In fact, your exact words were, call me when the dorks make up.
04:19I'm going to go talk to General Martin about this.
04:21No, don't do that.
04:22Why?
04:22That's like a total helicopter parent move.
04:24What's that?
04:26Helicopter parenting. It's like a very common parenting term.
04:29I'd love to be a helicopter parent. I could probably really be good at that.
04:33I could be an Apache helicopter parent, like the most badass helicopter parent of all time.
04:38Helicopter parenting is a bad thing.
04:40How could it be a bad thing?
04:42I mean, a helicopter is like one of the greatest war machines ever.
04:45Invent the giant railing blades cutting through the air,
04:48and you can fire missiles as death from above for your enemies,
04:50and they're really loud.
04:51You've got to yell inside, you've got to yell outside.
04:53I love them.
04:54Helicopter parents try to control everything in their kids' lives
04:56by hovering over every decision they make.
04:58You're really selling it.
04:59No, Dad, don't.
05:00What?
05:00Let me fight my own battles.
05:01Let me just hover above.
05:03You have to wear a hairnet.
05:05Right, thank you.
05:06Yes, that, that, right here.
05:09I'm hovering.
05:12Ranger Higby, I heard about your recent trip to Amsterdam.
05:16Have you heard about our little drug testing program here at the base?
05:24Sorry soldiers, phone's in the bin, colonel's orders.
05:26We can't have any information about the peace talks leaking
05:29before they've reached an agreement.
05:30We are now on a base-wide internet blackout,
05:32and you are sequestered to the teen center.
05:34You know, there was a time before phones.
05:37Your generation's whole lives are on your devices.
05:38I only use mine for work.
05:40Other than that, I exist in the real world, see?
05:44Easy.
05:44Shaw is right.
05:45Rules are rules.
05:46This is important.
05:49Tonway?
05:50Hmm?
05:52All your phones, please.
05:53Okay.
05:54You got me.
05:57Yep.
06:04And the Saturday night special in your ankle holster.
06:08Okay.
06:14Good, next.
06:16All right, Jan, let's rehearse this.
06:18What is up, y'all?
06:20This is Corporal Elias Papadakis, a.k.a. Papadadadakis.
06:25I'm a BRMC for this whole freak nasty weekend apiece.
06:29Now let's get things kicked off with a little cha-cha slide over to that table over there.
06:35You can get a security badge, and remember, only one lanyard per person.
06:39Ask the official translator for the weekend.
06:42I will translate.
06:43Por favor, tomes sus cordones.
06:47But, Jan, you left it all...
06:49You left it all my flair.
06:51Yes.
06:51Okay, Papadakis, I need you to listen, okay?
06:53Now it's time for Sirius.
06:55These are important people.
06:56These are peace talks.
06:58Next time, I'm gonna need my stag verbatim, or else.
07:02Hey.
07:05Higley failed her drug test?
07:06Oh, my God.
07:07Well, that's Amsterdam for you.
07:09People ride bikes because they're too high to drive.
07:11The talk's just started.
07:12My aide, whose running point, is indefinitely suspended.
07:14Man on the wall of shame, which we call the wall of flame,
07:17because most of the people on there get caught smoking weed.
07:18I don't know what I'm gonna do.
07:20Well, what about Maggie?
07:21Hmm.
07:22I don't know if she's ready.
07:23She's a queen.
07:25She was born ready.
07:29Enjoy.
07:30Put the cheese down.
07:32Oh, and do like a charcuterie?
07:34You have a new assignment.
07:35Cheese related.
07:36No, honey, forget the cheese.
07:37There's been a change of plans.
07:38You're now in charge of all summit events.
07:40In charge?
07:40Mm-hmm.
07:41Yeah, thank you, man.
07:42Oh, Prime Minister.
07:43Cute tie.
07:44I love a bold neutral.
07:46Come here.
07:48I wonder what happened.
07:49I think she just saw what you were doing with the cheese thing,
07:51and she was like, hey, I want this girl
07:52to put some of her quince sauce on my peace talks.
07:55That's what I was saying.
07:56Yes.
07:56Right.
07:57I'll give her the sauce.
07:58One thing, hairnet.
07:59Hairnet?
08:00Yes.
08:01Ha!
08:02Okay, time to rehearse, Papa Douglas.
08:04Remember what we talked about.
08:05Less is more.
08:07Yeah.
08:07Shut up, young.
08:08What's up, y'all?
08:09It's your boy, Papa D, back on the mic.
08:12Listen, next piece set starts in five minutes,
08:15and now it would make an excellent time to go tingle.
08:18We should maybe grab some water or something.
08:20That's a great idea.
08:21Cool down a little bit.
08:23Who do we know what this flag is?
08:27It was upside down.
08:29You know, I can actually see the resemblance
08:32between you and Maggie.
08:34I think she looks more like her mom.
08:35They both have a weird-shaped skull.
08:37Because she, too, was on the verge of failure.
08:40I think she's gonna be fine.
08:41This is basically glorified party planning.
08:43Well, one more high-profile screw-up and, you know,
08:48I can have you replaced.
08:56Hey.
08:58Hi, Nick.
08:58How you doing?
08:59Seems like it's going pretty good.
09:00Maggie seems to be killing it.
09:02She better.
09:03Several countries have added delegates at the last minute,
09:06and the seating chart is a minefield.
09:07How much of a minefield can it be?
09:09It's just lunch, right?
09:09No, no, it's not just lunch.
09:11Remember how I told you the real talks don't actually happen
09:13at the talks?
09:14That I launch a diplomacy sneak attack
09:16the moment they least expect it?
09:17Well, this is that moment.
09:18Oh.
09:19But lunch is the most important part of the whole summit.
09:21Oh.
09:23Ooh, how bad.
09:25God, who brings a plus 20 to a peace talk?
09:27Oh, God.
09:35Don't worry.
09:36She killed him and...
09:38All right.
09:39Nice.
09:40Look at this.
09:40Everyone's adjusting to life without phones really well.
09:43Congratulations.
09:44We discovered that the phones were inside of us all along.
09:48We've been sitting here talking like a real-life group chat.
09:51You mean a conversation?
09:52Yeah, but the LOLs just hit different in real life.
09:55Oh.
09:56Sorry.
09:57I thought I felt my phone vibrate.
09:58Phantom vibrations.
09:59Oh, looks like you're the one who's jonesing for a phone.
10:02Tweaking for some speaking, dying for some dialing.
10:05It's so sad.
10:07Your generation is worse than us.
10:08You're addicted to your phones and you don't even know how to use them.
10:10What, do you miss your big font or putting period behind every word
10:13or accidentally leaving your flashlight on for 10 minutes at a time?
10:16Okay, no.
10:17It's just a work day and my work is on my phone, okay?
10:21It is important for me to be available for the Colonel at all times.
10:23I should call him, you know?
10:25Yeah.
10:26I don't have a phone so I can't call him and he can't call me.
10:29And that's okay.
10:30Yeah.
10:32Um, I'm just going to walk it off.
10:34How many steps do I have today anyways?
10:35Oh, I did it again.
10:37Okay.
10:38I just like to look at my GPS, know where I went, how long it took me to get there,
10:41but I can do that myself.
10:43One, two, I'm in the teen center.
10:45Three, four, five, heading left.
10:47Six, going into the meeting room.
10:49Seven, eight.
10:54Hey.
10:57Is this the menu?
10:59Dad, please.
11:00Oh, I just, I don't know, honey, if you understand how important this lunch is.
11:04Of course I understand how important this lunch is.
11:05Okay, well, it was news to me.
11:07What?
11:07It's pretty important, apparently.
11:09I've got a lot going on right now.
11:10I know.
11:10You know that way more delegates are coming than expected,
11:12which means I have to redo the seating chart and I have to add courses to the menu.
11:15Oh, okay.
11:16So, lots to do.
11:17We'd love the space to do it.
11:18Okay, well, I'm giving you the space.
11:19You're not.
11:19You are hovering.
11:20I'm...
11:20Kind of like a literal helicopter.
11:22An Apache helicopter.
11:23Yep.
11:23Dad, General Martin gave me this job because she believes in me.
11:26But somebody gives you a job because they believe in you doesn't mean they can't take
11:29it away from you.
11:30That's what a boss does.
11:31Okay.
11:31I was born to do this.
11:32Calm down.
11:33Okay.
11:33I'm trying.
11:34And these forks are too small.
11:35What did I say?
11:37Oh, boy.
11:38We're in...
11:38We're in a world of art.
11:41Hey, strike the whole menu.
11:42We need steak and potatoes, okay?
11:43Captain Quinn just confirmed the new courses.
11:46Well, Colonel Quinn is telling you there's a freezer full of steaks and we need to start
11:49cooking them up.
11:49Okay?
11:50You want world peace or not?
11:51Let's go.
11:52Because this fork, we know what this fork's for.
11:54You know, just an average fork.
11:55We want the baby version of this.
11:57But when I say baby version, I don't mean this because this feels like a fork for babies.
12:04You know, and you absolutely got this.
12:06And I believe in you and appreciate you.
12:08Thank you so much.
12:09You are hovering.
12:10I know.
12:11I had to hover because I wanted you to know a very important thing.
12:13I told the chef to change the menu from your...
12:16What?
12:16Fru-fru finger foods.
12:17We need to go heavy.
12:19Dad.
12:19We need to go steak, potatoes, gravy, maybe a side of stew.
12:22Oh, a side of stew?
12:23Because heavy food makes them tired.
12:25They'll agree to anything just to get out of the talks and go take a nap.
12:28You know that there's people who don't eat beef.
12:29I know.
12:29People who don't eat pork.
12:30People who don't eat meat at all.
12:31I know, but they're not here.
12:32They don't have important jobs.
12:33Yes, they are.
12:34They do have important jobs.
12:35Dad, you can't just go and change my menu.
12:36I am just trying to help.
12:38Okay?
12:38There's a lot riding on this.
12:40Yeah, yeah, yeah.
12:40Let me help.
12:40If you want help, then you have to change my menu back.
12:42Okay?
12:43Okay.
12:43I don't know how cucumber got its own sandwich.
12:46Yeah.
12:47And...
12:49I actually...
12:51I actually do need your help with something.
12:53Really?
12:54Yes.
12:54I forgot that I need to restock the kitchen with propane tanks.
12:57You know, I'm sure they need them for the auxiliary burners and...
13:00You want me to be...
13:03Mission Propane.
13:04Okay.
13:05So I'll get some, uh, some propane tanks and bring them back.
13:09Changing the menu back first.
13:10I'm going.
13:13You killed the steaks.
13:14Go back to the cucumber sandwiches.
13:15I'm getting 200 steaks, Pratt.
13:17I know, but apparently vegetarians are running countries now.
13:24Oh, hi.
13:25Captain, I must say you are really rising to the occasion.
13:28You keep this up, you can join me at the peace talk circuit.
13:30Geneva, Versailles...
13:33Oslo?
13:34One step at a time.
13:35Absolutely.
13:36Yeah, thank you, ma'am.
13:39Having fun, thief?
13:41Uh, sorry?
13:43The random drug test?
13:45I don't know what you're talking about.
13:47The only reason you have this job is because I was targeted for a drug test.
13:50And because I wanted to make the Van Gogh Museum a little more vibrant, I failed it.
13:54Look, I'm sorry, I had nothing to do with that.
13:56You only have this job because daddy made it happen.
13:58No.
13:59You have no idea what you're doing.
14:00You're the worst kind of nepo baby.
14:01You're no Dakota Johnson.
14:03You're Scott Eastwood.
14:06I am Dakota Johnson.
14:11She thinks she got into my head.
14:12She did not get into my head.
14:16Listen to me very carefully.
14:17Uh, we are going back to steak and potatoes.
14:20What?
14:21You heard me.
14:22You heard me.
14:25Exactly what Dakota Johnson would have done.
14:32The Prime Minister can't be sitting next to the shake, right?
14:36And obviously not next to the Premier.
14:39That makes no sense.
14:41Um...
14:41Ladies and gentlemen!
14:43Doors are open for lunch.
14:45Come on in and find your seat.
14:47What if, what if, what if they weren't sitting?
14:49Well, uh, uh, strike the chairs.
14:50Uh, and, and get high-top tables.
14:52What?
14:53You can't mess up a seating chart if you're not sitting.
14:56Bah!
14:56Just stall while I get rid of the chairs and add...
14:59High-top tables.
15:01Strike that!
15:02There's been a prank.
15:03Y'all just got lunched.
15:05It's something we do in the army here,
15:07where you think there's food and there's nothing.
15:10So y'all gonna be hungry for a minute.
15:20Ah, I am a genius.
15:23Stop elbowing me!
15:24I'm trying to cut my steak on this high-top table.
15:28What is this menu?
15:30I can't eat this.
15:31I am not a genius.
15:33Mm-mm.
15:34Propane.
15:37You gotta be kidding me.
15:40You know, the only thing worse than an errand
15:41is a fool's errand.
15:43Look, I, I needed you to stop helicoptering.
15:46And, and, and by the way,
15:47you really thought I wouldn't find out about General Martin's aid?
15:51I don't care about that.
15:51I'm proud of that, honey.
15:52I got a woman to pee in a cup for you.
15:54That means something.
15:55Dad, I want to succeed based on my own merits.
15:58Not because my daddy came in and blasted away the competition.
16:01It was a direct hit, splash, good.
16:03I believed in myself because I thought that General Martin believed in me
16:06and now I am so lost and confused and kind of losing my mind if I'm being honest.
16:11No, no, no, relax.
16:11You're fine.
16:12You're going to be fine, okay?
16:14This is culinary outrage.
16:17Should've gone with the steak and potatoes.
16:18I did.
16:20Potatoes!
16:21Two of these countries fought in the potato wars of 1637.
16:25Who changed the menu I approved?
16:27They did.
16:30Like six times.
16:32It wasn't six times.
16:33Fix this.
16:35Now.
16:36Yes, ma'am.
16:45Looking for something?
16:48Uh...
16:49I need my phone.
16:50My bones are cold.
16:51That means there's a work crisis.
16:52I just know it.
16:52Remember who implemented this media blackout in the first place?
16:55You are not yourself right now.
16:57Leave the phone.
16:58Let me see my messages.
16:59You are a workaholic.
17:00The colonel needs me.
17:01It's who I am.
17:01Shut up!
17:02You are more than your child.
17:03Fine.
17:07When I was a kid, uh, my grandparents, they had a... a bakery.
17:12Sneak attack!
17:13Ha ha!
17:14Hey!
17:15No!
17:17I might have a problem.
17:18You definitely do.
17:19Mm-hmm.
17:20Look, you're using words to distract yourself from your personal life.
17:23And I get it.
17:24No one does as many scams as I do and is a well-adjusted person.
17:27I don't have a personal life to avoid, okay?
17:29I'm a recent divorcee who actually wants his boss to call him on nights and weekends so I can feel
17:34like someone needs me.
17:35Well, you're welcome to come over anytime.
17:37I mean, I won't be there, but you can vacuum.
17:42Look, we're handling this situation.
17:44These aren't even the real, real talks.
17:46They're the fake, real talks, as you know.
17:48This was not General Martin's fault.
17:50It was the officer in charge of the base's fault, whoever that buffoon is.
17:54Maybe Colonel Patrick Quinn.
17:56I can't believe I made such a big mistake.
17:59And with everything riding on this, like, it's the talks and the base and our jobs.
18:03And I've ruined it.
18:04I've ruined it all.
18:06I wasn't ready for this.
18:08Who could be ready for two countries that went to war over potatoes and one of them's not Ireland?
18:13I should have known, okay, that this is what I want to do.
18:15You know, this is the world that I want to be in.
18:17Don't be so hard on yourself.
18:19That's my job.
18:21Yes.
18:21I don't know.
18:22I'm sure you have an annoying idea up your sleeve, right?
18:26Okay.
18:27Actually, I have something.
18:28Good.
18:29You know, remember all those ideas that I had for the peace talks that you didn't want
18:32to do?
18:32You hated them?
18:33Yep.
18:33We're going to do them.
18:34Thank God I kept the heart.
18:38Now you don't hover.
18:39I know.
18:39I got it.
18:40I got it.
18:40Let's go.
18:48Welcome.
18:49Breathe in.
18:49Drink wine.
18:54Welcome to Stroopstorff Health.
18:54See, this is what Stroopstorff has that nobody else has.
18:59People who are willing to turn their teen center into a spa.
19:02People who come together to make something successful.
19:05People who are there for each other.
19:08And that is not nothing.
19:10Yeah, I mean, I still wish we had something else, but let's go with the spa thing.
19:14Papa Duddy Dacus welcomes you to the Stroopstorff Spa.
19:27Jan.
19:29You did my stank.
19:30In the spirit of peace, I threw my ass into it.
19:37Relax.
19:38Okay.
19:39Do you think it's working?
19:40Can you check?
19:40I can check.
19:41Just see if they're happy.
19:42See if it's working.
19:43Um, well, I mean, they don't, they don't look happy, but they, maybe they're like calm?
19:48They look calm?
19:49What is calm?
19:49Are they calm or not happy?
19:50Well, they look like relaxed.
19:52I don't know.
19:52That's good.
19:53You have to.
19:53Hey.
19:55Oh, okay.
19:56General Martin, I am so sorry.
19:59And I completely understand if you don't want me in the professional development program.
20:02I was able to get the real, real talk started again.
20:04Two countries, which I cannot disclose, are right now having discussions in the sauna.
20:0864 degrees Celsius really loosens folks up.
20:11Is that hot?
20:13Look, you screwed up, but you fixed it.
20:15And that's where the real skill lies.
20:16Not everything has to be perfect.
20:18Now, I gotta get back there to that weird masseuse to get rid of this knot in my neck.
20:21Well, I could get that.
20:22Thank you, ma'am.
20:23No.
20:23No?
20:24No.
20:24Okay.
20:24Let me have this.
20:26Oh.
20:26You may have pulled this one off, Quinns, but when next you fail, rest assured I will
20:32be there.
20:33Okay.
20:35Okay.
20:35Understood, sir.
20:36I'm sorry, but if world peace depends on seeing his skinny legs in that robe, I'm not-
20:42I can't do it.
20:44Couldn't agree more.
20:44I'd rather go to war.
20:46Whoa!
20:48Is that a bullet wound?
20:49Yeah, really get in there.
20:51Okay.
20:52Ow!
20:53Oh, I didn't say stop.
20:54Okay.
20:55Keep going.
20:56The stories you know told like never before.
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