- 3 hours ago
Bait S01E01-2 (2026)
Category
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TVTranscript
00:04You
00:42I suppose the term safe house is no longer apt.
00:48Nothing you touch is ever safe, is it?
00:52I told you not to come after me.
00:54James, she knows everything I know.
01:00You have terrible taste in hostages.
01:03Wentworth was the mole.
01:05Could have just as easily aimed a few centimeters higher.
01:10Then it wouldn't have mattered to you at all, would it?
01:14Just as long as you're pleasing your masters.
01:18Tell me, when it's just you all alone, how do you live with yourself?
01:26Do you even know who you are?
01:38Luane?
01:39Sorry.
01:40Sorry.
01:43Sorry, Helen.
01:45It's all good.
01:46It's all good.
01:48It's just we're on a bit of a schedule.
01:50Yeah, that's why I was thinking.
01:51Quick reset back to once or maybe this time.
01:52How are you blowing this audition?
01:55I know the speech.
01:56I know it.
01:57Yeah, you fucked it up every time at the exact same moment.
02:02What is this, a prank show, wearing a hidden camera?
02:05It's funny.
02:05No, I just have a very particular process.
02:07I've got my head around it now.
02:09I'm ready.
02:09Sorry, guys.
02:10You just said we had to...
02:10Yeah, well, just a minute.
02:11Sorry.
02:12How was your weekend?
02:13It was good, thanks.
02:13How was yours?
02:14Great.
02:14What did you do?
02:15Just...
02:16Yeah, thanks.
02:16Thanks, Jim.
02:18My set...
02:19Stop it.
02:20Sorry.
02:21You know what?
02:22They didn't want to see you.
02:24I had to convince them.
02:25So this is on me.
02:26I've got a confession to make.
02:29I'm lightheaded from fasting.
02:31It's the holy, muslim month.
02:34It's called Ramadan.
02:37This involves no eating and drinking in the day.
02:40I'm lightheaded from...
02:41If I can have a bit of a cultural understanding.
02:43Well, I've just seen you drink apple juice six takes in a row.
02:47I tried.
02:48Just a shame you didn't.
02:52Thanks so much for coming in, Sharon.
02:54We'll be in touch.
02:55I'll be in touch.
03:04You want to know what it's like doing the dirty work?
03:07Fighting everybody and being nobody.
03:13I don't live with myself.
03:14I live with whoever you need me to be.
03:18The blood on my hands is mine.
03:21Because I kill a part of myself every day if I don't know who I am.
03:26Because you don't want to.
03:31You knew it.
03:33You knew it.
03:35What's wrong with you?
03:38Do you know who you are?
03:39I'll tell you who you are.
03:41You're a fucking failure.
03:43Who just shot on your last chance of being somebody.
03:47You should be ashamed of yourself.
03:49You are ashamed of yourself.
03:50Because you're ashamed of your family.
03:52You're fucking nobody.
03:53You're nothing.
03:53You're just a fucking...
03:54Dumb fucking baggy.
03:57Dumb fucking baggy.
04:05um come in
04:08um i uh forgot to grab your mic
04:16sure
04:57i'm just you know uh there's a photographer
04:59camp's out front so i'm gonna take you down the side
05:02oh okay yeah the press gets a pic of anyone who's auditioned and the whole
05:06bond rumor mill goes crazy
05:10sorry you know what i just realized i left my charger in the uh
05:13dressing oh i'm happy to come with another way are you sure thank you though
05:17thanks a lot okay
05:31you all right
05:32so
05:40so
05:42so
05:43so
05:44so
05:46so
05:59so
06:00so
06:02so
06:21so
06:23so
06:32so
06:39so
06:41it was an amazing honor to be part of slumdog millionaire it was a great film that
06:51people loved that i loved i loved that film and i mean my family my community i mean
06:56internationally he's not dav patel
06:59what
06:59he's not dav patel
07:01look how short he is
07:04davis tall strong handsome our gujarati hero
07:09hello
07:09hello
07:09are you the shah jahan place
07:13who's shah's a shah's a shah's a shah's a shah latif shah that that's me
07:20can we go please
07:21no problem
07:22no problem
07:22no problem
07:27assalamualaikum mr latif shah i hope you are enjoying your mobile experience and that the
07:31temperature is of enjoyment for you i asked for asylum ride on the app so
07:36so
07:37just one thing
07:37where are you from
07:39because you are looking like the packy but you are talking like the honky-tonky
07:42right
07:46sphincter
07:46well that's a boss
07:49thanks for picking me up bro
07:51i appreciate it
07:52i love it
07:55you bring the watch yeah
07:56yeah i couldn't find it
07:59i'll be busy okay
08:01what you always say
08:01bro you're a dickhead
08:04what the fuck is this doing here
08:06i was gonna tell you anyway
08:07basically i need that for my cars bro
08:09there's no brown dolls for saying that it's weird
08:11it's not a doll bro it's a limited edition collectible action figure
08:14of me from my film
08:15you gotta ask me before you use my likeness
08:17you need to chew your tits
08:19first of all this don't even look like you
08:20and second of all you got a hundred of these many dildos lying around in the garage
08:23it's not a dildo
08:24look like a dildo to me and i need them for my fleet anyway
08:26fleet all right well you and six guys here
08:29it's 26 actually
08:31fuck off
08:31yes
08:32things have been going very well
08:33got some serious investors interested
08:36hmm
08:37hmm
08:38what
08:38say mashallah
08:40mashallah
08:40brother if you're gonna say it properly
08:42mashallah
08:42right
08:43investors know that nobody needs a muslim uber bro
08:46uber in london's already muslim
08:48right every next driver's named abdi
08:49listen to me
08:50we drive that thing
08:52but we need to own our thing
08:53and i want us to own this thing
08:54okay
08:55and if you're strapped for pesa right now
08:57i'll take you on as a driver
08:58i don't mind
08:59don't need any money from you bro
09:00i was
09:01yeah i got stuff cooking
09:02i got stuff cooking
09:03what you got cooking
09:04i can't tell you
09:05it's top secret i signed an nda
09:06you ain't signed no nda
09:08i did
09:08non-disclosure agreement i signed it
09:10i understand what that means but you ain't signed
09:12you ain't got shit
09:12bro you missed the timing for mine
09:13yeah no we didn't actually
09:14because we're going to mummy above us
09:15what
09:16yes
09:16no
09:17what do you mean no
09:18what i mean no
09:19yes we are bro okay
09:21you have not checked in on your mum in time
09:22she's going to be gassed to see you
09:24bro i'm not in the mood
09:25yeah could you turn it around
09:26well i don't care if you're in the mood or not
09:27if you're getting free rides you're going to make the stops
09:31nba
09:47come
09:48yeah i'll come in a minute
09:51sometimes being here is enough you know
09:53okay just one minute i'm coming
09:56can't slow the steps
09:59yes
10:01okay
10:03i'm going to see you next time
10:06that was going to get mistake
10:06yes
10:07okay
10:07your S arriere is coming
10:09ok
10:09i need to do the
10:10role in our master
10:11No, no, thank you.
10:12But it will be good, right?
10:13Yes, yes, it is.
10:14It's old, right?
10:15It's old, right?
10:16Welcome, auntie.
10:18Look at you.
10:19All grown up, huh?
10:20Such a strong boy.
10:22MashaAllah.
10:23Look who is here.
10:28Look who is here.
10:28Does anyone know him?
10:29Hey, baby, come here.
10:31Come here.
10:31Come here.
10:32You will die.
10:33Then you will come to your cover.
10:34It's been two weeks.
10:35Two months, bro.
10:36Yes.
10:37A couple of weeks?
10:38Yes.
10:38I can't.
10:39I'm dying for this job.
10:41Black audition thing.
10:42You're dying?
10:42You're not keeping your nose here.
10:43Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
10:45Oh, I've seen my tone.
10:46You should fast all year.
10:48I don't know what's going on here.
10:50My mind is coming so many days.
10:52He bought a car in Dubai.
10:55He bought a car.
10:56He bought a house.
10:56I bought a botox.
10:58I thought it was Michael Jackson when I came in the house.
11:02No, I'm sorry.
11:04Don't worry about it.
11:05Come on, teacher.
11:07I've seen something in Google Alerts.
11:11Yeah, there's stuff going on.
11:12I just don't want to talk about it.
11:15Don't talk about it, okay?
11:16Just tell me.
11:20Well, I'm...
11:23Just a prayer.
11:24Just pray.
11:25Prayer for you.
11:26I pray for you all the time.
11:29Okay.
11:30Just a prayer.
11:31Baba, have you seen a brown leather case about this big?
11:33He's got my name written on it in gold.
11:34Where are you from, brother?
11:36I'm watching TV.
11:37I don't see any of you.
11:38Yeah, I've got some stuff cooking.
11:39It takes time to make a film.
11:40Yeah, but you don't have time.
11:42You don't have time.
11:42I'm taking a pop.
11:44There was one scene in one film.
11:46You've been pervert on his newsreader all day.
11:48I don't know.
11:50Mama.
11:51Why aren't you showing up to these doctor's appointments, huh?
11:53They're expensive.
11:54I booked them for you so we can find out what's wrong.
11:56All the money you give,
11:58we'll take them.
11:59Hey, cousin.
12:00Shit.
12:01What are you saying?
12:02No, man.
12:03Oh, bless.
12:04What's this?
12:05What's what?
12:05You're beginning to take out your tags.
12:07Oh.
12:08Bro!
12:08Is that you, yeah?
12:10Give me that.
12:10Baba, see how your boy's spending?
12:12Give me that.
12:13Why are you at home?
12:15Quit my job, man.
12:15Manager was a dickhead.
12:17Hey, I wasn't able to review my brother charge me.
12:19He was a weirdo.
12:20If you need work experience,
12:21I could sort you from Felicia.
12:22No, no, no.
12:23Listen.
12:23If you really want to help me,
12:24take me to Taser's show tonight.
12:25Is he playing tonight?
12:28Yeah, why?
12:29I told you it can't work for me.
12:30Brother,
12:31I already sent you my counter offer.
12:3250% of my business.
12:33Yes,
12:34but do you believe in gender equality or nah?
12:36No, not really.
12:39Oh, my God.
12:42Sharpie,
12:42are you going to be the next James Bond?
12:44What?
12:46Eh?
12:47Wait, wait, wait.
12:48It might be capped.
12:48Can I have a look at that?
12:50Oh, shit.
12:51No, no, no, no.
12:51It's legit.
12:52What the fuck?
12:53Oh, my God.
12:53Oh, my God.
12:54This is crazy.
12:55This is crazy, bro.
12:56Wait, wait, wait.
12:58Chill, man.
12:58Check the website.
12:59It's BBC.
12:59We can't trust him.
13:01Why didn't you tell me he was speaking?
13:03No, no, no.
13:04It's just an audition.
13:05It's just an audition.
13:05It's just an audition.
13:06Super James Bond.
13:07Listen, it's an audition.
13:08It's a photo from today's audition.
13:10What do you do?
13:10What do you do, man?
13:11James Bond is white.
13:13Stop.
13:14Stop.
13:16Do you know how much sex James Bond does?
13:19What do you do?
13:20What do you do?
13:22What do you do?
13:22What do you do?
13:23What do you do?
13:24No.
13:25No.
13:27Listen.
13:27Baba, it's okay to be a little bit excited.
13:29You know, it's nice even just to have the opportunity.
13:31It's a big deal.
13:32You know, Brown James Bond.
13:33James Bond.
13:34You should be proud.
13:34You know.
13:35This guy's face is going to be fucking blasted everywhere.
13:37Imagine.
13:38Imagine it.
13:38Daniel Craig got me 20 M's for the last movie.
13:41My Shahjoo will get 21.
13:43Calm down.
13:44It's just an audition, yeah?
13:45Call me if you need a body double for sex scenes.
13:47Hello?
13:48What do you do?
13:49What do you do?
13:49Can you tell her to call me soon?
13:50She comes back in?
13:52Yes.
13:52What do you do?
13:54What do you do?
13:55What do you do?
13:56I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing.
13:58I've just got to sort this out and work it out.
14:01Yo, look at me.
14:03I'm proud of you.
14:05Yeah?
14:06Fucking James Bond.
14:07Come on, my guy.
14:08Let's see what happens.
14:08Of course.
14:09Shut up.
14:09But do they know about the height?
14:11What do you mean?
14:13They're going to give you special shoes.
14:14Like James Bond's big, isn't it?
14:19I'm just saying it for you.
14:21For you.
14:25Hey, Felicia.
14:26Can you call me back, please?
14:27I'm just wondering if the audition news league thing has helped me or, you know, fucked me.
15:04Yeah.
15:05Yeah.
15:06Where have you been?
15:07Painting my nails on a fucking sunbed.
15:09What the fuck do you think?
15:10Listen.
15:11Did you call the pap?
15:12I'm not that clever.
15:14What were they saying?
15:16Are they pissed?
15:16Well, they are very surprised.
15:19Fuck.
15:19About how much you're trending.
15:21Right?
15:22And because of the reaction, they might give you a second chance to audition.
15:26Fuck!
15:26Yes!
15:27Oh!
15:28You plus the female director is doing very well for their eight-interferences.
15:31And you know that demographic gets them all wet.
15:33Oh, my God.
15:34So, listen.
15:35Sit tight and let this play out.
15:37Oh, my God.
15:40That is amazing.
15:41That's really, really cool.
15:43God bless the internet.
15:44Yeah.
15:45So, just one thing.
15:47We can't just see how this plays out.
15:49We've got to do everything we can to get me back in there.
15:51Sha, I just told you.
15:53It's good.
15:53You're trending.
15:54Look.
15:55And I'm just thinking.
15:56It should be all that old music.
15:58Just the really political bits.
15:59What do you think?
16:00As your agent.
16:02Let me deal with that stuff.
16:04You just need to act.
16:05Listen.
16:06There's videos of me online.
16:07Fucking pissing on a British flag.
16:09It's already out there.
16:11All you can do is own it.
16:12That makes you the edgy POC candidate.
16:14Yes.
16:14Fresh blood.
16:15So, new fans for the great old institution.
16:17Listen.
16:17Don't find the thing that got you here, you know.
16:19Huh.
16:20Okay.
16:20Okay.
16:20So, what are you saying?
16:21Maybe I should lean into it?
16:24Or...
16:25Because Taze and them lot are doing a show tonight.
16:27I could maybe do a little thing there.
16:29There's nothing to lean into.
16:30You just are.
16:31Listen.
16:31Just don't do anything.
16:32And stay home.
16:34Yeah, yeah, yeah.
16:35Done.
16:51다 mabye!
16:53Da Da Da Da Da!
16:56Da Da Da Da Da!
17:13Oh shit
17:15Hey
17:16What are you doing here?
17:18Me? What are you doing here?
17:20You're everywhere today
17:24Pretty cool, isn't it?
17:43Look who's back on the street
17:46Brickshaw
17:47What's up, bro?
17:48This shit blew up, huh?
17:50Look at this
17:51You killed it, man
17:52What are you saying?
17:53Ami?
17:53Yes, dude
17:54What are you saying, man?
17:55Are you meant to be protecting Coffin City right now?
17:57What?
17:57No, it's not Gartham
17:58Bro, don't you know?
17:59Totally new Batman
18:00It's not fair, man
18:01It's James Bond
18:03Hey, bruv, easy with the Hollywood big man shit
18:04This is just the audition
18:06You know what?
18:07We need to take a big job
18:07For the grab
18:11Safe, man
18:11It's good to see you
18:12I'm just thinking
18:14What?
18:14Forget it, forget it
18:15It's cool, man
18:15No, no, say it
18:16Nah, nah, I'm just
18:17Go on
18:18I just had a mad thought
18:19Like, wouldn't it be sick if I
18:20I warmed up for you, God, tonight
18:24Because I think the crowd would love it
18:25It'd be like a reunion
18:26It'd be like old times, bro
18:27Yeah, man
18:27Like, how dare you, bro
18:29You know
18:29Nothing, you just
18:30You come back
18:31You act like you fucking own this place
18:32Walking through here
18:34All like
18:34Look at me, look at me
18:36Bro, I didn't mean it like that
18:38I didn't mean it like that
18:42You're a dickhead
18:45You're a dickhead
18:56Right now
18:56Just don't pay attention to it, all right?
18:59It's all bullshit
19:01London, are you ready for a tape?
19:03Yeah!
19:06Yeah!
19:08Yeah!
19:10Yeah!
19:11Yeah!
19:12Yeah!
19:12Yeah!
19:14Yeah!
19:14Yeah!
19:15Yeah!
19:15Yeah!
19:16Yeah!
19:17Yeah!
19:18Yeah!
19:21Yeah!
19:21Yeah!
19:24Yeah!
19:24Yeah!
19:25Yeah!
19:32It has a guess
19:35London
19:35Special guest MC
19:37IN THE BUILDINGS
19:38MC
19:39RAINCH writesHam
19:41Yeah!
19:42Yeah!
19:43Yeah!
19:45Yeah!
19:47US
20:06We'll stand here...
20:08...I got to the right direction to allow.
20:11We'll stand here.
20:13We'll forgive you all.
20:15Come on, Meola.
20:16I'm glad to have a right path.
20:17We'll do it.
20:19I love you
20:20to do
20:20a lot
20:21I love
20:22my love
20:23I
20:23I
20:23I
20:23I
20:23I
20:24I
20:26I
20:28I
20:29I
20:45Arse
20:46Sonami
20:47Fuck
20:48Fuck
20:49Fuck
20:49Yeah
20:51007
21:06Shah Latif
21:07Welcome to
21:08Sir Chattrick Stewart's
21:10with me
21:10Sir Patrick Stewart's
21:12It's an honor
21:12to be here
21:13The honor is all mine
21:15I've hosted
21:16many fine actors
21:17on my little podcast
21:18but
21:19few who've had
21:20such an eventful
21:2124 hours
21:22It's been a wild ride already
21:23that's for sure
21:24Now
21:25I know a bond
21:26or two
21:26Daniel Craig's
21:27dear friend
21:28big shoes to fill
21:30do you think
21:31you're up to the job?
21:33Yes
21:35Yes I do
21:37Now
21:37more than ever
21:38I'm ready to show the world
21:40that I've got what it takes
21:42Nigel Murray
21:43How are you?
21:43Thank God
21:44Good
21:45At least he tells me
21:46you do security
21:47for all the top wankers
21:48Yeah
21:48That's right
21:50I'm always happy to take on a few
21:51up and coming wankers
21:52as well
21:53So
21:54Do you do personal?
21:55Because I might have an event tonight
21:57Yeah we do the full service
21:58Even got a food chaser
21:59if you need one
22:00Tell you what
22:00let's have a look in the house
22:01and we can talk about that afterwards
22:02Yeah
22:03So house is two points of entry
22:05hostile object
22:06into the front bay window
22:07those and the doors may need reinforcing
22:09and I was thinking maybe some visual deterrents
22:11along the perimeter
22:12if you have the bodies
22:1360 friendlies expected tomorrow
22:15Wow
22:16You really know your stuff?
22:17Well I played the translator
22:19in Homeland season 7
22:20Yes
22:21Yes
22:21Yes you did
22:22They got a lot of shit wrong on that show
22:23Come on
22:24Okay
22:26Your guests are for
22:27I presume
22:28Yeah
22:29Yeah
22:30Just want to make sure everyone feels safe
22:32Yeah
22:32Sure
22:33It might make more sense for you
22:36to start off upstairs
22:37I know it's harder to defend a position
22:38at a higher altitude
22:39Yeah
22:40Okay
22:40I'll take my shoes off
22:41Do you agree?
22:43You can't really act this role
22:45Part of you
22:46has to be it
22:47Absolutely
22:49Absolutely
22:49Absolutely
22:50Yeah
22:51Yeah
22:52Luckily I'm
22:53already very experienced
22:54at navigating attacks of various kinds
22:56whether in the public eye
22:58or on the home front
22:59as it were
23:01Yep
23:01You just got in here
23:02Yo Mandarin Oriental
23:03Sorted in
23:03Thank you for sorting it out Felicia
23:04I'll speak to you later about the collar
23:06Alright?
23:06Why?
23:07What are you showing me right now?
23:08It's the hotel
23:08Okay they do free stays for celebs
23:10like Michelle Yeoh
23:11Diggity
23:11Fucking
23:12And?
23:15Bro your followers are blowing up okay?
23:17It's a five star safe house
23:18All of us one week is free
23:20Obviously minus my costs but
23:22Yeah?
23:23Look we're not going to a hotel
23:24I'm dealing with it
23:25I'm not going to get anything happen to you
23:27You don't need to be afraid
23:28I'm not afraid
23:29Talking about man
23:40What the fuck's all this?
23:41What does it look like?
23:42Security cuts
23:42I told you that I had security sorted so
23:45Chill your pom pom out
23:46Learn from that man
23:47It's not a fucking movie yeah?
23:48Is it?
23:49You want to ask where you got this from?
23:50All this?
23:52Allah provides bro
23:53Does he?
23:54Yes
23:54Does he provide discount rate Mujahideen as well?
23:57I know these guys bro they're too thick to make it into ISIS
23:59Which ISIS?
24:00ISIS-K
24:00ISIS-L
24:01OG ISIS
24:02They've got different standards
24:04I've heard
24:08They don't need PhDs do they?
24:10Their heart is fucking committed
24:11Takbir
24:12I'm not trying to start a madresa yeah?
24:14I'm just trying to bring in some real actual protection
24:16If you could just listen to me for once
24:18If I want your fucking protection
24:19I'll ask for your extra small condoms
24:22You like that one?
24:23Tiny lonely yeah?
24:24Stop pressing me cuz
24:25I'm going to chat to Abba
24:26We have to discuss this
24:27Doing my butt doing everything
24:30Baba?
24:32What are you doing?
24:33Any fucking bag of one could just walk in
24:35That's because you've taken off the back door
24:37That's why I've hired a professional
24:38I'm not doubting that
24:40If you let me do it
24:42Then you'll be better for everyone
24:43Sean Conry to the rescue is it?
24:45How do you understand?
24:47Shah
24:47Shah
24:47Shah you better be a Janu
24:49And help me take this to the car
24:50I
24:51Chalo now
24:53Sixty people's a lot for Eid
24:54Your mommy needs my help
24:58You put it
24:59What are you doing?
25:02Chill mommy
25:03Bastard you chill
25:04For twenty fucking years
25:05She's been trying to steal Eid
25:06Already bringing her kundi swelling kebabs
25:08I like kebabs
25:10Daira
25:10What are you doing?
25:12Naila
25:13Hey
25:14Two days
25:15Eid's a joint effort
25:16I'm just doing my part
25:17You've done already so much
25:19Shahju
25:20Take the pots inside
25:21Why are you giving Naila and Eid more work?
25:22It's nothing Daira
25:23I was telling Shajju
25:24I could be doing so much more
25:27Last night
25:28Sadly
25:28It's no longer safe here
25:30Why not move into my house?
25:32Who's not safe?
25:34Everybody stop
25:35Can you stop here Baba
25:35Baba can you just come here please
25:37Can you stop the work everyone
25:38Let's have a little chat
25:39About Eid and the plan
25:40It's your plan yeah?
25:41What?
25:42Outsourcing our protection
25:43That is free Mace and nonce
25:44I'm not a nonce
25:45Should've gone to the hotel
25:46Nigel's here to help secure the house
25:48The house
25:48Nothing is ready
25:50The house won't be ready
25:51Food won't be ready
25:51Naila Naila please
25:52Shahju
25:53Sorry guys
25:54The prophet
25:54Peace be upon him
25:55So long
25:56Exactly
25:57He said it best
25:58When he said
25:59Trust in Allah
26:01But tie up your camel
26:04My guy
26:04He knows his stuff
26:05You gotta hand it to him
26:06I just wanna say that holy days like this
26:08Are an absolute lightning rod for bad actors
26:10So perhaps you should think about
26:11Moving your celebrations to a different location
26:13Hey Bencho
26:14Stop
26:14One layover in Dubai
26:15Thinks he knows our business
26:16Who is this?
26:16I've got tremendous respect for Islamic culture
26:18Especially after six tours of Afghanistan
26:23This war camera is very clear
26:26You've got a lot of trouble
26:27Naila Ji
26:28We will come to you
26:30We will do it
26:31Please
26:31If something happened
26:32Then you're responsible
26:35Okay Naila Ji
26:37Okay
26:39Mommy
26:44Lovely to meet the family
26:45Colorful lot
26:46Aren't they?
26:46They really get after it
26:48And your brother
26:49He's
26:49Seems nice
26:51He's not my brother
26:52He's my cousin
26:52But he was raised with us
26:54Okay
26:54It's complicated
26:55Alright well look
26:56This is for you
26:57As you quote
26:59Although
26:59I would be willing to postpone
27:02Payment
27:03You know
27:03In consideration of
27:05Future work
27:06Because if my internet searches are correct
27:08Then you will be needing our service
27:09Is a lot more in the future
27:10Oh
27:10Well let's
27:12Let's see what happens
27:13It's really reasonable
27:14Could you just leave it with me
27:15I'm getting a few different quotes soon
27:16That's fine
27:16Okay
27:16Oh so did you want me to provide a personal
27:19For tonight
27:20I can send one of my best guys
27:21What are you doing?
27:22You asked me to do security now?
27:24For tonight
27:24I did
27:25Him?
27:26Yeah so well we needed
27:26Thank you for coming by
27:28Yeah no
27:29Absolute pleasure
27:30Yeah
27:30Well oh by the way
27:32Those stolen dash cams
27:33The battery life is
27:34So
27:35Bring a charger
27:35Alright
27:36You can have that for free
27:38Cheers Nigel
27:39Cheers Nigel
27:40Why are you wasting your money on these render fees bro?
27:42I've had your back since day
27:53I heard you go into this gala tonight
27:56On your own or?
27:59I've got a plus one
28:01Is it?
28:04Want your shoes on trainers?
28:07Can I arrange you?
28:10On Get ready you fucker
28:32Oi, that is a proper go-fuck out of there.
28:34It's a good job I came to babysit you.
28:36Ah, bro, you might be taking care of the muscle,
28:38but I'm winning over the hearts and minds, yeah?
28:41What, boy, in the middle of a culture war?
28:42That's the real battleground.
28:43Big man, how are you gonna fucking battle them
28:45with your horny make-up face?
28:46What?
28:47You know the face that you do when you're on the red carpet.
28:49It looks like you're trying to shag that camera,
28:51but you're worried the camera's gonna shag you back.
28:52No, I'm not. Don't put that in my head right now.
28:54You're gonna put me off.
28:55Okay. For confirmation, cuz.
28:57What is that?
28:57Yeah?
28:58What, man? I look good there.
28:59You look like you're making a pervy version of fucking planet Earth.
29:01All right, let me just see something.
29:04Raj Dekka? Motherfucker.
29:06All right, all right.
29:07Don't jizz on my level of seats.
29:08You can't afford a cleaning fee.
29:09Okay, listen, let's just go there and smash it, all right?
29:11Well, we are already fucking smashing it, okay?
29:13We are arriving in the Muba Prime experience.
29:15Look at this.
29:16Alal Harry Bowls.
29:18Customs, specifically branded Zamzam water.
29:19Your little mini-dildo on the dashboard.
29:21Cuz, look at me.
29:22We are arriving like this is fast and furious,
29:24but without the four skins.
29:26You understand?
29:26Come on, let's get it, cuz, yes?
29:27Yeah, you ready?
29:28Yes, bro.
29:31Come on, don't do that on the red carpet.
29:33I can't guarantee it.
29:46There's a lot of excitement,
29:48but also some displeasure
29:50at the idea of a Gujarati playing Bond.
29:53Proving those voices wrong has been my life's mission.
29:56How so?
29:58Well, it's why I want the role.
29:59It's why I'm here speaking to you.
30:01Is that why you wanted to make a speech at the King's Museum Gala?
30:04Exactly.
30:06To show people that this is what a hero can look like.
30:09To show them that this, too, is what British looks like.
30:16Hey, yo, listen.
30:18I support the team.
30:19I support the team.
30:19But when you finish tonight,
30:20please, get home with Muba.
30:22Okay?
30:22That's for you.
30:23Sorry, there's no service in your area.
30:25I'm Turkish.
30:26You're Turkish?
30:27Then there's service in your area.
30:28Excuse me, sister.
30:29No!
30:30Stop!
30:33MC Rickshaw, mate!
30:35Can I get a pic?
30:37You want a pic?
30:38I'll kill you next week.
30:38Hey, yo, guys!
30:39Guys!
30:40Come and get a picture with you one and only fan.
30:41Come on.
30:42Oi.
30:43Bro, you're ignoring me.
30:44Bro, we gotta go, man.
30:45Why are you going in there?
30:48Man, sold out!
30:49You should be out here with us.
30:51Hey, yo, yo, yo.
30:52Let's wear the photo with you.
30:53What's the problem?
30:54Bro, if I get a photo to take with them, Laura,
30:55it's not the right image I'm going for right now.
30:58All right?
30:58The real change happens in there.
30:59We gotta get in there.
31:02Listen, I know you think you're His Majesty's Secret Service,
31:05but don't go full coconut pussy around me tonight.
31:07Oh, yeah?
31:08Then don't go into father fuckboy on me, then.
31:10You want that respect, my guy?
31:12Keep it real, yeah?
31:13Okay, why don't you respect this?
31:14Watch and learn.
31:18You're doing it again.
31:19I'm not doing the face.
31:20You're doing the face again.
31:20Oh, go on, then you do the face again.
31:21All right, let me show you.
31:23Nah.
31:24You know what that is?
31:25You look like a paedophile gerbil, bro.
31:27There's cameras.
31:28Why would you say paedophile gerbil?
31:28Because they don't have sound.
31:29It's fault.
31:30Mr. Lateef.
31:30Hi.
31:31So happy to make this.
31:32I'm so glad to be here.
31:34This is my associate, Magaramachika Leng.
31:36Can I ask who I might speak to about my speech this evening?
31:40Oh, we don't have you done as doing as well.
31:42Oh, I think it's because I'm a last-minute addition.
31:46Well, Livya Newhouse, I suppose.
31:49Yeah.
31:49She's our new director.
31:50Okay.
31:51Oh, I'm guessing I have a plus one.
31:54Mr. Soufrakhan Ali, CEO of Moob Enterprises.
31:57I just think it should be like an official record that I'm here tonight, so thank you.
32:02Cos, where the fuck have you bought us, man?
32:04This looks like the Jarl's bull sack.
32:07You're from humble beginnings like me.
32:09So, how's your family dealing with all this?
32:12The same way we deal with everything.
32:14It's a team, together.
32:16I'm proud to say that we've all got each other's backs.
32:20Bro, this is mad.
32:22Yeah, I told you, bro.
32:22I've got to stop cooking.
32:24Assalamualaikum.
32:24Assalamualaikum.
32:25Sorry.
32:28All right.
32:30We've got to find this Vivian, yeah?
32:32Yeah?
32:33No point in me being here if I can't get on stage.
32:35There she is.
32:35Museum director, yeah?
32:37My God.
32:38What the fuck are you, bro?
32:39Some ego, bro.
32:40Look at this.
32:41Come on.
32:41Listen, I'm going to go work on her.
32:43Hey, yo, yo.
32:43Should we tag team her?
32:44What?
32:45It's not like that.
32:46I mean, like, convince her together, like.
32:48Good, paki, bad, paki.
32:50What would that be like?
32:52Like, like, good cop, bad cop.
32:53What, paki's?
32:55I've got this one covered, yeah?
32:57You sure, yeah?
32:57Yeah, yeah, yeah.
32:58In a bit.
32:59I'll be here.
33:01Sing, let me tell you about this.
33:07He didn't get it.
33:11I'm Vivian.
33:12Charlotte Eve.
33:13Oh, yes, of course, Mr. Lateef.
33:15I wonder if I could borrow you for a moment.
33:17Oh, absolutely.
33:18Although anything borrowed has to be given back now, apparently.
33:21What can I do for you, Mr. Lateef?
33:22I was actually wondering what I might be able to do for you.
33:25There's nobody like Muslims that can get you to where you need to be on time.
33:28But we are on time for prayers five times a day.
33:30If you call me, brr, brr, Zulfi, can you get me to where I need to go?
33:34I'll get you there.
33:35This museum means a great deal to me, and I saw you had a number of protesters outside.
33:39Yes, and it thrills me to see young people engaging in a conversation about our shared heritage and culture.
33:45In fact, we invite this kind of dialogue.
33:47Is it a dialogue, though, if you don't have an ambassador of sorts to help bridge the divide between those
33:51on the inside and those out there?
33:53Who's your name?
33:54Ali Reza.
33:55Ali Reza.
33:55I'm feeling the Iran.
33:57Yes.
33:57Yeah, a bit of Farsi, my guy.
33:59Come on.
33:59So we could be in that region.
34:00I, for one, would be honoured to get up there and say a few words about how global Britain truly
34:07is, both in its artefacts and its people.
34:09You know I'm an 8th Indian.
34:11I did not.
34:12Wow.
34:12What about yourself?
34:13Where are you from?
34:13London.
34:14You're from London?
34:15You sound...
34:17Originally from London?
34:19But I understand your latest acquisition is from a Muslim country.
34:22Yes, but treasures like the one we're unveiling tonight don't just belong to Islam.
34:26They belong to us all.
34:27So I can go up and say a few words?
34:29I'll be very brief.
34:30No, Miss Latif.
34:32That's simply not how we do things around here.
34:34This isn't a pop-up Banksy exhibit.
34:35Besides, we already have our dear friend Raj Thakar giving a speech.
34:38Enjoy your evening.
34:47And now, to the more uncomfortable part of our chat.
34:51You didn't think this was going to be all softballs, did you?
34:55Raj Thakar, your rival?
34:57I wouldn't call him that.
34:59Come on, come on.
35:00You can be honest.
35:01I can't be in the same room as Ian Magneto McKellen.
35:05Oh, sorry, sir, Ian Magneto McKellen.
35:08I just think that there's plenty of room for all of us at the top.
35:12Oh, please.
35:13A day ago, you were the only brown bloke up for the job.
35:16And now, there are two.
35:18And word on the web is he'd make a better bond.
35:21Yeah, well, I don't really pay attention to what people say about me.
35:23It's just not in my nature.
35:25You should, old chap.
35:26He's a bigger name with a bigger fan base.
35:29And I dare say he's thought of as a better actor.
35:32That's subjective.
35:33Cut the camel shit, Latif.
35:36You couldn't even convince that museum director to let you speak.
35:40How do you expect to convince the world that you can be bond?
35:44You don't stand a chance in a whore's pajamas, do you?
35:48You pussyhole.
35:50He's the god of this, you pushcunt!
35:55No use being angry with me.
35:58You only have yourself to blame.
36:00I'm trying.
36:02Try harder.
36:03Do you understand?
36:07Here he is.
36:08Hey.
36:09Hey, sure, I love this man.
36:11I haven't seen you in a minute, bro.
36:12How's it going?
36:12Yeah, when was the last time I saw you?
36:15Mango Tree premiere.
36:16Yeah, yeah, yeah.
36:17Thank you for coming.
36:18Man, you were so good in that.
36:20Do you guys see that?
36:20Under the mango tree.
36:22So it's about this magical mango tree.
36:24This white woman eats a mango.
36:25She travels back in time to colonial India.
36:27Falls in love with this Indian guy.
36:29And they have this relationship over space and time.
36:31It's about her love's timeless and crosses all sorts of boundaries.
36:36I don't know why it didn't connect more.
36:37Actually, can I?
36:39Where are you from?
36:39Yeah, yeah.
36:40Just for it.
36:40Yeah, thanks a lot.
36:42You look incredible, by the way.
36:43And very, very small getting photographed in a tux and holding that drink.
36:46It's just here to support one of our nation's most important cultural institutions.
36:53Just one thing's got people going mental, hasn't it?
36:56Yeah, people are passionate, man.
36:57It's just that the hate, though.
36:59The hate, it's a lot, right?
37:01I know you're probably getting a lot of that, too.
37:04Not really.
37:06Nothing to cry about.
37:08You've just got to stay grateful.
37:10People are busting their asses at dead-end jobs just to put food on the table.
37:13We live in the dream.
37:14Yeah, there we are.
37:15Yeah, hate's a small price to pay.
37:17It is.
37:17It's just some psycho sent a pig's head to my mom's house.
37:22Are you serious?
37:23Yeah.
37:23Fuckin' hell.
37:24That's actually why I'm here.
37:26I want to show them that no amount of hate is going to make me hide.
37:30And actually, if this museum can house treasures from all around the world, then this country
37:35has to take in people from all around the world.
37:37Am I right?
37:37Yeah, preach.
37:38I just want to make a statement showing that this, this, too, is what British looks like.
37:43I love the passion, man.
37:45I'm so glad you said that because I heard that you're speaking later and I was thinking
37:48maybe we could tag team it.
37:50Yeah, that's a great idea.
37:51Yeah.
37:52You've got something important to say.
37:53I want to be a part of that.
37:54Yeah.
37:55I'll tell you what, why don't I go up first and then I'll bring you up.
37:57I would love that.
37:58Thank you, my brother.
37:59I love that, man.
38:00Of course.
38:01I really appreciate it.
38:02There you are.
38:03Hey.
38:03I know you.
38:04This is my security guy.
38:05The Mooba guy.
38:06Hey, yeah, I overheard you chatting about it earlier.
38:08I love the concept.
38:09Thank you, brother.
38:10Are you Muslim?
38:12Aren't we all?
38:12A little.
38:14Have you got a card?
38:15I'll spread the word.
38:16Nice.
38:18Yeah.
38:19Okay.
38:20I got to go.
38:20That's my mom.
38:21You brought your mom?
38:22Yeah, yeah, yeah.
38:23I wouldn't be here without her, so I shouldn't be here without her, you know?
38:26Zulfikar.
38:27That's me.
38:27That's me.
38:28Good to see you, man.
38:29Yeah, you too.
38:31Man, he is either the sweetest twat I've ever met, or the thickest twat.
38:37You're a thick twat.
38:39What?
38:40Security guy.
38:42That's all I have to, man.
38:43You literally told me to bring you here as security.
38:45Why are you getting cranky?
38:46Oh, you haven't broken fast, huh?
38:48No, I haven't.
38:49Of course I'm hungry, man.
38:50Did you eat a canapé?
38:50Champagne, gentlemen.
38:51Just have a little canapé, bro.
38:54Just have a little something to eat.
38:56Nothing here.
38:56It's halal.
38:57None of the little things, the big things.
38:58None of it.
38:58Have some halumi.
39:00Halumi.
39:00Halumi's not Israeli.
39:01That's what they want you to think.
39:02It's an Arabic.
39:03Cheers.
39:04Prove it to me.
39:04Google it.
39:05You know I don't use Google.
39:11Too kind.
39:14Good evening.
39:16In 2001, we watched in horror as Taliban fanatics laid waste to a once great nation's cultural heritage.
39:24We wept as monuments to peace were turned to rubble.
39:30But tonight, we right this wrong.
39:33After a nine-year, 15 million pound restoration project, it is my honor to present to you tonight
39:41the restored Buddha of Bamiyan.
39:57And now an extra special treat.
39:59It is with great enthusiasm that I invite tonight's guest speaker to the stage.
40:04The most gentle mini vampire hunter I've ever had the pleasure of meeting, Raj Dakar.
40:16It's an honor to be here, I mean.
40:19Wow.
40:21This museum is home to artifacts from around the globe.
40:26And so it should follow that England, too, is home to people from those same places.
40:31Now, tonight is a celebration, but I would like to speak with you all about my experiences
40:35as an Englishman and as a person of color.
40:40Recently, racist hate took the form of a severed pig's head delivered to my family's doorstep.
40:51It was horrific.
40:53There was blood everywhere.
40:55My mother was left traumatized.
40:57Mummy, I'm sorry.
41:00But no amount of hate will make me hide.
41:04Those driven by prejudice, they need to see us in these spaces.
41:12And because this, too, is what British looks like.
41:21Excuse me, Mr. Latif.
41:22You have a situation?
41:24A man claiming to be your brother has been harassing and racially profiling museum guests.
41:30They're really doing very special work.
41:33Oh, and, uh, Shah Latif wanted to say something, too.
41:36I'm about to go on, man.
41:38Shah?
41:39Otherwise, we're going to have to escort him off the premises immediately.
41:41I don't know it.
42:00So, let's talk about your big moment.
42:03The speech that never was.
42:05A silky bit of spycraft from Thacker.
42:08He's clearly made for the role.
42:10Not to mention, he can get the bleeding lines out.
42:15Line?
42:16I can do better.
42:17I can.
42:18Can you now?
42:20Let's see.
42:22I also had a pig's head sent to mine for himself.
42:28I, um...
42:29Nice one, dickhead.
42:31You're more frozen than me.
42:33But it's not your acting.
42:35That's the problem, is it?
42:36It's who you are.
42:39You don't have the balls to be bombed.
42:43Hey, yo, guys.
42:44Bombed by me, you weren't an only fan.
42:45You turned your back on your own fans.
42:49Mansona!
42:50You turned your back on your own family.
42:52Come on, get the fuck with me, bro.
42:55Face it.
42:56People like you are never the heroes of the story.
43:00You'll always just be a scared little packy.
43:09Send him back where he came from!
43:36I don't know.
43:41Yeah?
43:46You okay?
43:48Yeah, are you?
43:49What were you doing?
43:51Nothing. What were you doing?
43:52Nothing, bro. It's 2am.
43:54Were you talking to someone, or what?
43:56Oh, sorry, man. I was just running lines.
43:59In a suit?
44:00Costume, innit?
44:02Oh, well, the moon's been sighted, so...
44:05Eve Mubarak, yeah.
44:08The night, you weirdo.
44:13Eve Mubarak, bitch!
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