- 11 minutes ago
Bait S01E01-2 (2026)
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TVTranscript
00:04You
00:42I suppose the term safe house is no longer apt.
00:48Nothing you touch is ever safe, is it?
00:52I told you not to come after me.
00:54James, she knows everything I know.
01:00You have terrible taste in hostages.
01:03Wentworth was the mole.
01:05Could have just as easily aimed a few centimeters higher.
01:10Then it wouldn't have mattered to you at all, would it?
01:14Just as long as you're pleasing your masters.
01:18Tell me, when it's just you all alone, how do you live with yourself?
01:26Do you even know who you are?
01:38No.
01:39Lorraine?
01:39Park!
01:40Sorry.
01:40Sorry.
01:43Sorry, Helen.
01:45It's all good.
01:46It's all good.
01:48It's just right around a bit of a schedule.
01:50Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
01:50Quick reset back to once.
01:51I'll nail it this time.
01:52How are you blowing this audition?
01:55I know the speech.
01:56I know it.
01:57Yeah, you fucked it up every time at the exact same moment.
02:02What is this, a prank show, wearing a hidden camera?
02:05It's funny.
02:05No, I just have a very particular process.
02:07I've got my head around it now.
02:09I'm ready.
02:09Sorry, guys.
02:10You just said we had to...
02:10Yeah, well, just a minute.
02:11Sorry.
02:12How was your weekend?
02:13It was good, thanks.
02:13How was yours?
02:14Great.
02:14What did you do?
02:15Just...
02:16Yeah, thanks.
02:16Thanks, Jim.
02:18My set...
02:19Stop it.
02:20Sorry.
02:21You know what?
02:22They didn't want to see you.
02:24I had to convince them.
02:25So this is on me.
02:26I've got a confession to make.
02:29I'm lightheaded from fasting.
02:31It's the holy, muslim month.
02:34It's called Ramadan.
02:37This involves no eating and drinking in the day.
02:40I'm lightheaded from...
02:41If I can have a bit of a cultural understanding.
02:43Well, I've just seen you drink apple juice six takes in a row.
02:47I tried.
02:48Just a shame you didn't.
02:52Thanks so much for coming in, Sharon.
02:54We'll be in touch.
02:55Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
03:00Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
03:02Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
03:04Do you want to know what it's like doing the dirty work, fighting everybody and being nobody?
03:11Woody, I don't live with myself.
03:14I live with whoever you need me to be.
03:18The blood on my hands is mine.
03:21Because I kill a part of myself every day
03:24if I don't know who I am.
03:26Because you don't want to.
03:31You knew it.
03:33You knew it!
03:35What's wrong with you?
03:38Do you know who you are?
03:39I'll tell you who you are.
03:41You're a fucking failure.
03:43Who just shat on your last chance of being somebody.
03:47You should be ashamed of yourself.
03:49You are ashamed of yourself.
03:50Because you're ashamed of your family.
03:52You're fucking nobody.
03:53You're nothing.
03:53You're just a fucking...
03:55Dumb fucking baggy.
04:06Um...
04:08Come in.
04:11Um...
04:11I, er...
04:12Forgot to grab your mic.
04:16Sure.
04:26He, er...
04:27Er must be sad...
04:33They were too bad...
04:35Alright.
04:37All right.
04:38He's so old and...
04:38I wanna say...
04:38You've been too old and...
04:41I'm so old and I'métais..
04:42Alright.
04:57I'm just, you know, there's a photographer camped out front, so I'm going to take you
05:01on the side.
05:02Oh, yeah, yeah.
05:03The press gets a pic of anyone who's auditioned and the whole Bond rumour mill goes crazy.
05:10Sorry, you know what?
05:11I just realised I left my charger in the dressing room.
05:14Oh, I'm happy to come with.
05:15I'll go and grab it.
05:15Another way.
05:16Are you sure?
05:16Thank you, though.
05:16Thanks a lot.
05:17Okay.
05:31You all right?
05:32Okay.
05:44Okay.
06:00Zumba, Zumba, Zumba
06:16Hey, dude, I know you, mate.
06:20I'm a huge fan.
06:21You're talented.
06:22No, no, no.
06:23Yes, you are.
06:24You're an exceptional actor.
06:25I want you to know that.
06:26Thank you, man.
06:27This is like a little video for my girlfriend, Heather.
06:29She's like obsessed with you.
06:30Really?
06:30Yeah, yeah.
06:31Babe, check it out.
06:32Walking down the street.
06:33Guess who I've been to?
06:35Deb fucking Patel.
06:36What?
06:37Deb Patel, just walking down the street.
06:40Say something about Slumdog.
06:42She loves Slumdog.
06:46It was an amazing honor to be part of Slumdog Millionaire.
06:50It was a great film that people loved, that I loved.
06:52I loved that film.
06:53I mean, my family, my community, I mean, internationally.
06:56He's not Dave Patel.
06:59What?
07:00He's not Dave Patel.
07:01Look how short he is.
07:03Dave is tall, strong, handsome.
07:06I'm a Gujarati hero.
07:09Hello, Shah Jahan Latif.
07:10Are you the Shah Jahan place?
07:12Who's Shah's...
07:14Shah's...
07:14Shah Latif, Shah.
07:16That's me.
07:20Can we go, please?
07:21No problem, sir.
07:27Assalamualaikum, Mr. Latif, Shah.
07:28I hope you are enjoying your mobile experience and that the temperature is of enjoyment for you.
07:34I asked for an asylum ride on the app, so...
07:36Sir, just one thing.
07:37Where are you from?
07:39Because you are looking like the packy, but you are talking like the honky-tonky, right?
07:42And you look like the jahadi, but he's a sphincter.
07:46Sphincter?
07:46Well, that's a boss.
07:47He likes sphincter.
07:48He just came to me like that.
07:49Sphincter?
07:49Thanks for picking me up, bro.
07:51Come on, man.
07:51I appreciate it.
07:52Watch my upholstery, please.
07:53Your ass off my shoulder.
07:54No, you fucking love it.
07:55Hey, listen, did you bring the watch, yeah?
07:57Yeah, I couldn't find it.
07:58You couldn't find it or you didn't look?
07:59I didn't look.
08:00I'll be busy, okay?
08:01What do you always say?
08:01Bro, you're a dickhead.
08:04What the fuck is this doing here?
08:06I was going to tell you, innit?
08:07Basically, I need that for my cars, bro.
08:09And there's no brown dolls for saying like that.
08:11It's weird.
08:11It's not a doll, bro.
08:12It's a limited edition collectible action figure of me from my film.
08:15You've got to ask me before you use my likeness.
08:18You need to chew your tits.
08:19First of all, this don't even look like you.
08:20And second of all, you've got a hundred of these many dildos lying around in the garage.
08:24It's not a dildo.
08:24It looks like a dildo to me.
08:25And I need it for my fleet anyway.
08:26Fleet?
08:27All right.
08:28Well, you and six guys, yeah?
08:30It's 26, actually.
08:31Fuck off.
08:32Yes.
08:32Things have been going very well.
08:34Got some serious investors interested.
08:37What?
08:39Say, mashallah.
08:40Mashallah.
08:40Bro, if you're going to say it properly, mashallah, there you go.
08:43Right.
08:43Does your investors know that nobody needs a Muslim Uber, bro?
08:47Uber in London's already Muslim.
08:48All right, every next driver's named Abdi.
08:50Listen to me.
08:51We drive that thing, but we need to own our thing.
08:53And I want us to own this thing.
08:55Okay.
08:55And if you're strapped for PESA right now, I'll take you on as a driver.
08:59I don't mind.
08:59Don't need any money from you, bro.
09:00Is it?
09:01Yeah, I got stuff cooking.
09:02There's no why I heard.
09:02I got stuff cooking.
09:03What you got cooking?
09:04I can't tell you.
09:05It's top secret.
09:06I signed an NDA.
09:07You ain't signed no NDA.
09:08I did.
09:09Non-disclosure agreement.
09:10I signed it.
09:10I understand what that means, but you ain't signed.
09:12You ain't got shit, girl.
09:12Bro, you missed the timing for mine.
09:13Yeah, no, we didn't actually, because we're going to mummy above us.
09:16What?
09:16Yes.
09:17No.
09:17What do you mean no?
09:18What?
09:18I mean no.
09:19Yes, we are, bro.
09:20Okay?
09:21You have not checked in on your mummy in time.
09:22She's going to be gassed to see you.
09:24Bro, I'm not in the mood.
09:25Yeah, can you turn it around?
09:26Well, I don't care if you're in the mood or not.
09:27If you're getting free rides, you're going to make the stops.
09:31NDA.
09:47Come.
09:49Yeah, I'll come in a minute.
09:51There's some time being here is enough, you know.
09:53Okay, just one minute.
09:55I'm coming.
10:01Okay.
10:01Tahira, I'll take a look at the car.
10:03Okay?
10:04I'm going to get a personal shopper.
10:06Yeah.
10:07Okay, my silver rally is going to be a silver rally set.
10:10No, no.
10:10Silver rally set?
10:11No, no, thank you.
10:12It'll be good, right?
10:13Yes, yes.
10:14It's been a bit old.
10:15Welcome, auntie.
10:17Shasham, look at you.
10:19All grown up.
10:20Such a strong boy.
10:22MashaAllah.
10:23Bye.
10:24Bye.
10:24Bye.
10:25Bye, auntie.
10:27Look who is here, see who is here.
10:29Any better, please come here.
10:31Please come here.
10:32We will die, then we will come to cover.
10:34It's been two weeks.
10:37A couple of weeks.
10:38I can't, I'm dying for this job, like audition thing.
10:41You're dying, Timbana, keeping your nose here.
10:43Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
10:45Oh, my tone is saying,
10:46you should fast all year.
10:48I don't know what's going on here.
10:50My mind has gone so many days.
10:52He bought a car in Dubai.
10:55He bought a car in Dubai.
10:56I bought a botox.
10:58I thought it was Michael Jackson when I came in the house.
11:02I'm sorry.
11:04Don't worry about it.
11:05Come on, teacher.
11:07I haven't seen Google Alerts.
11:11Yeah, there's stuff going on.
11:12I don't know.
11:15Don't talk about it, okay?
11:16Just tell me.
11:20Well, I'm...
11:23Just a prayer.
11:24Just pray.
11:25A prayer for you?
11:26A prayer for you all the time.
11:29Okay?
11:30A prayer for you.
11:31Baba, have you seen a brown leather case about this big?
11:33It's got my name written on it in gold.
11:34Where are you from?
11:36I don't see TV.
11:37Yeah, I've got some stuff cooking.
11:39It takes time to make a film.
11:40Yeah, but I don't have time.
11:41I don't have time.
11:45I don't have time.
11:50Baba.
11:51Why aren't you showing up to these doctor's appointments, huh?
11:53They're expensive.
11:54I booked them for you so we can find out what's wrong.
11:56The kids will give me the money,
11:58we'll take some money.
11:59Hey, cousin.
12:00Oh, shit.
12:01What are you saying?
12:02No, man.
12:03Oh, bless.
12:04What's this?
12:05What's what?
12:05You're beginning to take out your tags.
12:07Oh.
12:08Rah!
12:08Is that you, yeah?
12:10Baba, see how your boy's spending?
12:12Give me that.
12:13Why are you home?
12:14Quit my job, man.
12:16Manager was a dickhead.
12:17Hey!
12:17I'm not going to charge her.
12:19He was a weirdo.
12:20If you need work experience, I could sort you from Felicia, I told you.
12:22No, no, no, listen.
12:23If you really want to help me, take me to Tazer's show tonight.
12:25Shad you, Kado?
12:26Is he playing tonight?
12:28Yeah, why?
12:29I told you you can't work for me.
12:30Brother, I already sent you my counter offer.
12:3250% of my business.
12:33Yes, but do you believe in gender equality or nah?
12:36No, not really.
12:39Oh, my God.
12:42Shabai, are you going to be the next James Bond?
12:44What?
12:46What?
12:47Wait, wait, wait, wait.
12:48It might be cut.
12:48Can I have a look at that?
12:50Oh, shit.
12:51No, no, no, no, it's legit.
12:52What the fuck?
12:53Oh, my God.
12:55This is crazy.
12:55This is crazy, bro.
12:56Wait, wait, wait, wait.
12:58Chill, man.
12:58Check the website.
12:59It's BBC we contracted.
13:00Greg Daniel, what's up?
13:01Bro, why didn't you tell me?
13:02You're sneaky.
13:03It's not.
13:04It's just an audition.
13:05It's just an audition.
13:05Man, I think he died, man.
13:07Listen, it's an audition.
13:08It's a photo from today's audition.
13:09That's all.
13:10It doesn't make sense, bro, man.
13:11His Bond is white.
13:13People are chilling.
13:15I'm the fool.
13:16He's playing just6.
13:17Do you know how much sex James Bond does?
13:19Who's doing sex, tyle,0, do you?
13:21What's up, what's up?
13:22What's up, what's up, what's up?
13:23I'm the fool.
13:24I'm the fool.
13:25No.
13:26Don't get that oldsten of the world.
13:27Listen, Baba, it's okay to be a little bit excited.
13:29You know, it's nice even just to have the opportunity.
13:31It's a big deal, you know, brown, James Bond.
13:33It's probably a crowd.
13:35This guy's face is going to be flooded everywhere.
13:37Imagine, imagine it!
13:38Daniel Kree got me 20 M's for the last movie.
13:41Why, Shahju? We'll get 21.
13:43It's just calm down. It's just an audition, yeah?
13:45Call me if you need a body double for sex scenes.
13:47Hello?
13:48Hello?
13:49Could you tell her to call me soon? She comes back in.
13:52Yeah, sure.
13:54What's wrong with you?
13:55I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing.
13:58I'm just going to sort this out and work it out.
14:01Yo, yo, look at me.
14:03I'm proud of you.
14:05Yeah?
14:06Fucking James Bond, my guy.
14:07Let's see what happens.
14:08Of course, inshallah, but do they know about the height?
14:11What do you mean?
14:13They're going to give you special shoes like James Bond's big, isn't it?
14:19I'm just saying it for you.
14:25Hey, Felicia, can you call me back, please?
14:27I'm just wondering if the audition news league thing has helped me or, you know,
14:31fucked me. Thank you.
14:38I love it.
14:41I love it.
14:46I love it.
14:55I love it.
15:04yeah yeah yeah where you been painting my nails on a fucking sunbed what the fuck you think
15:10listen did you call the pap i'm not that clever what were they saying they pissed well they are
15:17very surprised about how much you're trending and because of the reaction they might give you a
15:24second chance to audition yes oh you plus the female director is doing very well for the 18 to
15:3134s and you know that demographic gets them all wet oh my god so listen sit tight and let this
15:36play out
15:36oh my god thank you that is amazing that's really really cool thank you god bless the internet yeah
15:45so just one thing we can't just see how this plays out we've got to do everything we can
15:50to get me back in there sure i just told you it's good you're trending look and i'm just thinking
15:56maybe i should delete all the old music but there's just the really political bits what do you think
16:00as your agent let me deal with that stuff you just need to act listen there's videos of me online
16:07fucking pissing on a british flag it's already out there all you can do is own it that makes you
16:13the
16:13edgy poc candidate yes fresh blood so new fans for the great old institution listen don't find the
16:18thing that got you here you know huh okay okay so so what were you saying maybe i should lean
16:23into
16:23it or or because because taze and them lot are doing a show tonight i could maybe do a little
16:28thing there there's nothing to lean into you just are listen just don't do anything and stay home yeah
16:34done
16:35yeah
16:37yeah
16:37yeah
16:46yeah
16:51yeah
16:53yeah
16:53yeah
16:55yeah
17:13Oh, shit.
17:15Hey.
17:16What are you doing here?
17:18Me? What are you doing here?
17:20Me all everywhere today.
17:24Pretty cool, isn't it?
17:43Look who's back on the street.
17:45Bro, bro, bro, bro, brickshaw.
17:47What's up, bro?
17:48This shit blew up, huh?
17:50Yeah, it's working.
17:51You killed it, man.
17:52What are you saying?
17:53Ami? Yes, dude.
17:54What are you doing here, bro?
17:55Are you meant to be protecting Coffin City right now?
17:56What?
17:57No, it's not Gartham.
17:58Bro, don't you know?
17:59Totally new Batman.
18:00It's not fair, man.
18:01It's James Bond.
18:03Hey, bruv, easy with the Hollywood big man shit.
18:05But this is just the audition.
18:06You know what?
18:07We need to take a picture.
18:08For the grab.
18:11Same, man.
18:11All right, it's good to see you.
18:12I'm just thinking.
18:14What?
18:14Forget it.
18:14Forget it.
18:15It's cool, man.
18:15No, no, say it.
18:16No, no, I'm just.
18:17Go on.
18:18I just had a mad thought.
18:19Like, wouldn't it be sick if I warmed up for you tonight?
18:24Because I think the crowd would love it.
18:25It'd be like a reunion.
18:26It'd be like old times, bro.
18:28Like, how dare you, bro?
18:29You know?
18:30Nothing.
18:30You just come back.
18:31You act like you fucking own this place.
18:33Walking through here all like, look at me, look at me.
18:36Bruh, I didn't mean it like that.
18:38I didn't mean it.
18:40You all right?
18:41I didn't mean it like that.
18:42You're a dickhead.
18:43You're a dickhead.
18:44I can't act to hustle, man.
18:46Yo, maybe.
18:48I'm thinking maybe I could come through the crowd, like, you know, like the old days.
18:51Well, I'll meet you on stage with a mic.
18:53Shut up, man.
18:54There's like a lot of hate coming at you on the internet right now.
18:57Just don't pay attention to it, all right?
18:59It's all bullshit.
19:02London, are you ready for faith?
19:03Yeah!
19:34Yes, yes, well done.
19:36Special guest MC in the buildings.
19:38MC.
19:39Right shot.
19:40Hmm.
19:40Huh?
19:42Huh?
19:50I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm going to do.
20:10I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what
20:18I'm going to do.
20:45I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what
20:56I'm going to do.
21:06Shah Latif, welcome to Sir Chatterick Stewart, with me, Sir Patrick Stewart.
21:12It's an honor to be here.
21:13The honor is all mine, I've hosted many fine actors on my little podcast, plus few who have had such
21:20an eventful 24 hours.
21:22It's been a wild ride already, that's for sure.
21:24Now, I know a bond or two, Daniel Craig's a dear friend, big shoes to fill, do you think you're
21:31up to the job?
21:35Yes, yes I do.
21:37Now more than ever, I'm ready to show the world that I've got what it takes.
21:42Nigel Murray, how are you? Thank God.
21:44Good, yeah.
21:45At least he tells me you do security for all the top wankers.
21:48Yeah, that's right, yeah.
21:50I'm always happy to take on a few up-and-coming wankers as well.
21:54Do you do personal? Because I might have an event tonight.
21:57Yeah, I might do the full service.
21:58Even got a food chaser if you need one.
22:00Tell you what, let's have a look in the house and we can talk about that afterwards.
22:04So, the house has two points of entry, hostile object into the front bay window, those and the doors may
22:09need reinforcing,
22:09and I was thinking maybe some visual deterrence along the perimeter if you have the bodies.
22:1460 friendlies expected tomorrow.
22:15Wow, you really know your stuff?
22:17Well, I played the translator in Homeland Season 7.
22:20Yes, yes, yes you did.
22:22They got a lot of shit wrong on that show. Come on.
22:25Okay, all right.
22:26So, you're a, you're a guest of Edelfetter, I presume, yeah?
22:29Yeah, yeah.
22:30Yeah, just want to make sure everyone feels safe.
22:32Yeah, of course.
22:32Sure.
22:33Fuck!
22:34It might make more sense for you to start off upstairs.
22:37I know it's harder to defend a position at a higher altitude, isn't it?
22:39Yeah, okay.
22:40Well, I'll take my shoes off and go upstairs.
22:42Yeah.
22:42Do you agree? You can't really act this role. Part of you has to be it.
22:47Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah.
22:52Luckily, I'm already very experienced at navigating attacks of various kinds, whether in the public eye or on the home
22:59front, as it were.
23:01Yep, you just got in here.
23:02Yo, Mandarin Oriental. Sorted.
23:03Thank you for sorting it out, Felicia. I'll speak to you later about the collar, all right?
23:07What are you showing me right now?
23:08It's a hotel, okay? They do free stays for celebs, like Michelle Yeoh, Diggity, fucking Northwest Nanny.
23:14And?
23:15Bro, your followers are blowing up, okay?
23:16It's a five-star safe house.
23:18All of us, one week, is free.
23:20Obviously, minus my costs, but...
23:22Yeah?
23:23Look, we're not going to a hotel. I'm dealing with it. I'm not going to get anything happen to you.
23:27You don't need to be afraid.
23:28I'm not afraid. Talking about, man.
23:39Bro, what the fuck's all this?
23:41What does it look like? Security cuts.
23:43I told you that I had security sorted, so...
23:45Chill your pom-pom out. Learn from that, man. It's not a fucking movie, yeah?
23:48Is it?
23:48Oh, you want to ask? Where you got this from?
23:50What is?
23:52Allah provides, bro.
23:54Does he?
23:54Yes.
23:55Does he provide discount rate mujahideen as well?
23:57I know these guys, bro. They're too thick to make it into ISIS.
23:59Which ISIS?
24:00ISIS-K, ISIS-L, OG ISIS.
24:02They've got different standards.
24:04I've heard.
24:08They don't need PhDs, do they?
24:10They're hard as fucking they're committed.
24:11Ta-kbir.
24:12I'm not trying to start Amidrissa, yeah?
24:14I'm just trying to bring in some real, actual protection.
24:16If you could just listen to me, for once.
24:18If I want your fucking protection, I'll ask for your extra small condoms.
24:22You like that one of the tiny lonely, yeah?
24:24Stop pressing me, cuz, and go and chat to Abba.
24:26We have to discuss this.
24:28Doing my butt-dain every day.
24:30Baba?
24:32What are you doing?
24:33Any fucking bag of one could just walk in.
24:35That's because you've taken off the back door.
24:37That's why I've hired a professional.
24:38Aye, professional.
24:39I'm not doubting that.
24:40If you let me do it, then it'll be better for everyone.
24:43Sean Connery to the rescue, is it?
24:45How do you understand?
24:47Sean, Sean.
24:48Sean, you better be a Janu and help me take this to the car.
24:51Let's go.
24:5360 people's a lot for Eid.
24:54Your mommy needs my help.
24:58You put it.
25:00What are you doing?
25:02Chill, mommy.
25:03Bastard, you chill.
25:04For 20 fucking years, she's been trying to steal Eid.
25:07Already bringing her country swelling kebabs.
25:09I like kebabs.
25:10I don't know.
25:11I'm here.
25:12Naila.
25:13Hey.
25:14Two days left.
25:15Eid's a joint effort.
25:16I'm just doing my part.
25:17No, no, no.
25:18You have done already so much.
25:19Shaju, take the pots inside.
25:21Why are you giving Naila and Eid more work?
25:22It's nothing, Daira.
25:23I was telling Shaju.
25:25I could be doing so much more.
25:27Last night, sadly, it's no longer safe here.
25:30Why not move into my house?
25:32Who's not safe?
25:34Everybody stop.
25:35Can you stop here, Baba?
25:36Baba, can you just come here, please?
25:37Can you stop the work, everyone?
25:38Right.
25:38Let's have a little chat about Eid and the plan.
25:40No plan, yeah?
25:41What?
25:42Outsourcing our protection.
25:43There is free, Mace, and nonce.
25:44I'm not a nonce.
25:45Should've gone to the hotel.
25:46Nigel's here to help secure the house.
25:48Look, Daira, there's nothing ready.
25:50House won't be ready.
25:51Food won't be ready.
25:51Naila, Naila, please, Shaju.
25:53Sorry, guys, the Prophet, please be upon him.
25:55So long.
25:56Exactly, exactly.
25:58He said it best when he said,
25:59trust in Allah, but tie up your camel.
26:04Micah, he knows his stuff.
26:06You gotta hand it to him.
26:06I just want to say that holy days like this
26:08are an absolute lightning rod for bad actors.
26:10So perhaps you should think about moving
26:11your Eid celebrations to a different location.
26:13Hey, Bencho, shut up.
26:14One layover in Dubai thinks he knows our business.
26:16I've got tremendous respect for Islamic culture,
26:18especially after six tours of Afghanistan.
26:24He's walking around me,
26:24he's been very careful.
26:26You guys have a lot of pain.
26:28Naila, we'll come to you.
26:30You guys have a lot of pain.
26:31But he is, but he is.
26:32But if you look at someone,
26:33you'll be able to get to him.
26:35You'll be able to get to him.
26:35What's he going to do?
26:39Mommy, don't, I didn't.
26:40Mommy.
26:44Lovely to meet the family.
26:45Colorful lot, aren't they?
26:46They really get after it.
26:48And your brother, he's, seems nice.
26:51He's not my brother.
26:52He's my cousin.
26:53But he was raised with us.
26:54Okay.
26:54It's complicated.
26:55All right, well, look.
26:56This is for you.
26:58Here's your quote.
26:59Although, I would be willing to postpone payment,
27:03you know, in consideration of future work.
27:06Because if my internet searches are correct,
27:08then you will be needing our services
27:09a lot more in the future.
27:10Oh, well, let's see what happens.
27:13It's really reasonable.
27:14Could you just leave it with me?
27:15I'm getting a few different quotes soon.
27:16That's fine.
27:16Okay.
27:17Oh, so did you want me to provide a personal for tonight?
27:20I can send one of my best guys.
27:21What are you doing?
27:22You asked me to do security, no?
27:23For tonight?
27:24I did.
27:25Him?
27:26Yeah, so I won't be needing it.
27:27Thank you for coming by.
27:28Yeah, no, absolute pleasure.
27:30Yeah.
27:31Well, oh, by the way,
27:32those stolen dashcams,
27:33the battery life is...
27:34So, bring a charger.
27:36All right.
27:37You can have that for free.
27:38Cheers, Nigel.
27:39Why are you wasting your money on these render fees, bro?
27:42I've had your back since day.
27:45Oh.
27:53I heard you go into this garland tonight.
27:56On your own, or...
27:59I've got a plus one.
28:02Is it?
28:04You've got any shoes on trainers.
28:07Can I range it?
28:10Come on, get ready, you fucker.
28:18덤 Let's sleeve it and get ready, man.
28:21Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum!
28:25Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum.
28:32Wait, that is a proper goal fucker dayles.
28:35It's a good drink I came to babysit you.
28:36Ah, bro, you might be taking care of the muscle, but I'm winning over the hearts and minds, yeah?
28:41But when you're in the middle of a culture war, that's the real battleground.
28:43Big man, how are you going to fucking battle them with your horny make-up face?
28:46What?
28:47You know the face that you do when you're on the red carpet.
28:49It looks like you're trying to shag that camera, but you're worried the camera's going to shag you back.
28:52No, I'm not. Don't put that in my head right now. You're going to put me off.
28:55Okay. For confirmation, because...
28:57What is that?
28:57Yeah?
28:58What, man? I look good there.
28:59You look like you're making a pervy version of fucking planet Earth.
29:02All right, let me just see something.
29:04Raj Taka?
29:06Motherfucker is...
29:06All right, all right. Don't jizz on my 11 seats. You can't afford the cleaning fee.
29:09Okay, listen, let's just go there and smash it, all right?
29:11Bro, we are already fucking smashing it, okay?
29:13We are arriving in the Muba Prime experience. Look at this.
29:16Alal Harry Bowers. Customs, specifically branded Zamzam water.
29:19Your little mini dildo on the dashboard.
29:21Kaz, look at me. We are arriving like this is fast and furious, but without the four skins.
29:26You understand?
29:26Come on, let's get it, Kaz, yes?
29:27Yeah, you ready?
29:28Yes, bro.
29:30Yeah!
29:32Come on, don't do that on the red carpet.
29:33I can't guarantee it.
29:46There's a lot of excitement, but also some displeasure at the idea of a Gujarati playing Bond.
29:53Proving those voices wrong has been my life's mission.
29:56How so?
29:58Well, it's why I want the role. It's why I'm here speaking to you.
30:01Is that why you wanted to make a speech at the King's Museum Gala?
30:05Exactly. To show people that this is what a hero can look like.
30:09To show them that this, too, is what British looks like.
30:17Hey, yo, listen. I support the team. I support the team. But when you finish tonight, please get home with
30:22Mova, okay? That's for you.
30:23Sorry, there's no service in your area.
30:25I'm Turkish.
30:26You're Turkish? Then there's service in your area. Thank you.
30:28Excuse me, sister.
30:38Hey, yo, guys. Come and get a picture with your one and only fan. Come on.
30:42Oi, bro, you're ignoring me.
30:44Bro, we gotta go, man.
30:46Why are you going in there?
30:48Man, slow down.
30:49You should be out here with us.
30:51Hey, yo, yo, yo.
30:52It's where the photo with you. What's the problem?
30:54Bro, if I get a photo to take with them, Lord, it's not the right image I'm going for right
30:57now, all right?
30:58The real change happens in the air. We gotta get in the air.
31:02Listen, I know you think you're His Majesty's Secret Service or something, yeah?
31:05But don't go full coconut pussy all around you tonight.
31:07Oh, yeah? Then don't go into father fuckboy on me, then.
31:10You want to respect my guy? Keep it real, yeah?
31:13Okay, why don't you respect this? Watch and learn.
31:18You're doing it again?
31:19I'm not doing the face.
31:20You're doing the face again.
31:20Go on, then you do the face again.
31:21All right, let me show you.
31:23Nah, you know what that is?
31:25You look like a paedophile germal, bro.
31:27There's cameras. Why would you say paedophile germal?
31:28Because they don't have sound. It's fault.
31:30Mr. Lateef.
31:30Hi.
31:31So happy to make this.
31:32Really, I'm so glad to be here. Thank you.
31:34This is my associate, Magaramachika Lung.
31:36Can I ask who I might speak to about my speech this evening?
31:40Oh, we don't have you done us doing a speech.
31:42Oh, I think it's because I'm a last-minute addition.
31:46Well, you live in Newhouse, I suppose.
31:49Yeah.
31:49She's our new director.
31:50Okay.
31:50Oh, I'm guessing I have a plus one.
31:54Mr. Zulfokar Ali, CEO of Move Enterprises.
31:57I just think this should be like an official record that I'm here tonight, so thank you.
32:02Cos, where the fuck have you bought us, man?
32:04This looks like the Jarl's bull sack.
32:07You're from humble beginnings like me.
32:09So, how's your family dealing with all this?
32:12It's the same way we deal with everything.
32:14It's a team, together.
32:16I'm proud to say that we've all got each other's backs.
32:20Bro, this is mad.
32:22Yeah, I told you, bro.
32:22I've got stuff cooking.
32:23As-salamu alaykum.
32:24As-salamu alaykum.
32:25Sorry.
32:28All right.
32:30We've got to find this Vivian, yeah?
32:32Yeah?
32:33No point in me being here if I can't get on stage.
32:35There she is.
32:35Museum director, yeah?
32:37My God.
32:38What the fuck are you, bro?
32:39Some ego, bro.
32:40Look at this.
32:41Listen, I'm going to work on her.
32:43Hey, yo, yo, shall we take team her?
32:44What?
32:45We're not like that.
32:46We're like, convinced her together, like, good packy, bad packy.
32:50What would that be like?
32:52Like, good cop, bad cop.
32:53I've got packies.
32:55I've got this one covered, yeah?
32:57You sure, yeah?
32:57Yeah, yeah, yeah.
32:58In a bit.
32:59I'll be here.
33:01Sing, let me tell you about this.
33:03You said anything anymore, Mark?
33:04He said we don't think I've been able to talk complex.
33:07He didn't get it.
33:08I didn't leave you.
33:09You're incomprehensible.
33:11I'm Vivian.
33:12Shah Latif.
33:13Oh, yes, of course, Mr. Latif.
33:15I wonder if I could borrow you for a moment.
33:17Oh, absolutely.
33:18Although anything borrowed has to be given back now, apparently.
33:21What can I do for you, Mr. Latif?
33:22I was actually wondering what I might be able to do for you.
33:25There's nobody like Muslims that can get you to where you need to be on time.
33:28But we are on time for prayers five times a day.
33:30If you call me, brr, brr.
33:32Zulfi, can you get me to where I need to go?
33:34I'll get you there.
33:34This museum means a great deal to me, and I saw you had a number of protesters outside.
33:39Yes, and it thrills me to see young people engaging in a conversation about our shared
33:44heritage and culture.
33:45In fact, we invite this kind of dialogue.
33:47Is it a dialogue, though, if you don't have an ambassador of sorts to help bridge the divide
33:51between those on the inside and those out there?
33:53Who's your name?
33:54Ali Reza.
33:55Ali Reza.
33:55I'm feeling the Iran.
33:57Yes.
33:57Yeah, a bit of Farsi, my guy, come on.
33:59So we could be in that region.
34:01I, for one, would be honored to get up there and say a few words about how global Britain
34:06truly is, both its artifacts and its people.
34:09Well, you know I'm an 8th Indian.
34:11I did not.
34:12Wow.
34:12What about yourself?
34:13Where are you from?
34:14London.
34:14You're from London?
34:15You sound...
34:17Wait, originally from London?
34:19But I understand your latest acquisition is from a Muslim country.
34:22Yes, but treasures like the one we're unveiling tonight don't just belong to Islam.
34:25They belong to us all.
34:27So I can go up and say a few words?
34:29I'll be very brief.
34:30No, Miss Latif.
34:32That's simply not how we do things around here.
34:34This isn't a pop-up Banksy exhibit.
34:35Besides, we already have our dear friend Raj Thakar giving a speech.
34:38Enjoy your evening.
34:47And now, to the more uncomfortable part of our chat.
34:51You didn't think this was going to be all softballs, did you?
34:55Raj Thakar, your rival?
34:57I wouldn't call him that.
34:59Come on, come on.
35:00You can be honest.
35:01I can't be in the same room as Ian Magneto McKellen.
35:05Oh, sorry.
35:06Sir Ian Magneto McKellen.
35:08I just think that there's plenty of room for all of us at the top.
35:12Oh, please.
35:13A day ago, you were the only brown bloke up for the job.
35:16And now, there are two.
35:18And word on the web is he'd make a better bond.
35:21Yeah, well, I don't really pay attention to what people say about me.
35:23It's just not in my nature.
35:25You should, old chap.
35:26He's a bigger name with a bigger fan base.
35:29And I dare say he's thought of as a better actor.
35:32That's subjective.
35:34Cut the camel shit, Latif.
35:36You couldn't even convince that museum director to let you speak.
35:40How do you expect to convince the world that you can be Bond?
35:44You don't stand a chance in a whore's pajamas, do you?
35:48You pussyhole.
35:50He's the god addition, you push cunt!
35:55No use being angry with me.
35:58You only have yourself to blame.
36:00I'm trying.
36:01Try harder.
36:03Do you understand?
36:07Here he is.
36:08Hey!
36:09Hey, sure, I love this man.
36:11I haven't seen you in a minute, bro.
36:12How's it going?
36:12Yeah, when was the last time I saw you?
36:15Mango tree premiere.
36:16Yeah, yeah, yeah.
36:17Thank you for coming.
36:18Man, you were so good in that.
36:19Do you guys see that?
36:20Under the mango tree.
36:22So it's about this magical mango tree.
36:24This white woman eats a mango.
36:25She travels back in time to colonial India.
36:27Falls in love with this Indian guy.
36:29And they have this relationship over space and time.
36:31It's about how loves timeless and crosses all sorts of boundaries.
36:36I don't know why it didn't connect more.
36:37Actually, can I?
36:38Where are you from?
36:39Yeah, yeah.
36:40Just for it.
36:40Yeah.
36:40Thanks a lot.
36:42You look incredible, by the way.
36:43And very, very smart getting photographed in the tugs and holding that drink.
36:46It's just here to support one of our nation's most important cultural institutions.
36:53Just one thing's got people going mental, hasn't it?
36:56Yeah, people are passionate, man.
36:57It's just that the hate, though.
36:59The hate, it's a lot, right?
37:01I know you're probably getting a lot of that, too.
37:04Not really.
37:06Nothing to cry about.
37:08You just got to stay grateful.
37:09People are busting their asses at dead-end jobs just to put food on the table.
37:13We live in the dream.
37:14Yeah, we are.
37:15Yeah, hate's a small price to pay.
37:17It is.
37:17It's just some psycho sent a pig's head to my mom's house.
37:22Are you serious?
37:23Yeah.
37:23Fucking hell.
37:24That's actually why I'm here.
37:26I want to show them that no amount of hate is going to make me hide.
37:30And actually, if this museum can house treasures from all around the world,
37:34then this country has to take in people from all around the world.
37:37Am I right?
37:37Yeah, preach.
37:38Yeah, bro.
37:38I just want to make a statement showing that this, this, too, is what British looks like.
37:43I love the passion, man.
37:45I'm so glad you said that because I heard that you're speaking later and I was thinking maybe
37:48we could tag team it.
37:50Yeah, that's a great idea.
37:51Yeah.
37:52You've got something important to say.
37:53I want to be a part of that.
37:54Yeah.
37:55I'll tell you what, why don't I go up first and then I'll bring you up.
37:57I would love that.
37:58Thank you, my brother.
37:59Yeah, yeah.
37:59I love that, man.
38:00Of course.
38:01I really appreciate it.
38:02There you are.
38:03Hey.
38:03I know you.
38:04Oh, this is my security guy.
38:05The Muba guy.
38:06Yeah.
38:07I overheard you chatting about it earlier.
38:08I love the concept.
38:09Thank you, brother.
38:10Yeah, yeah.
38:10Are you Muslim?
38:12Help me all a little.
38:14Yeah.
38:14Have you got a card?
38:15I'll spread the word.
38:16Nice.
38:18Yeah.
38:19Okay.
38:20I've got to go.
38:20That's my mum.
38:21You brought your mum?
38:22Yeah, yeah, yeah.
38:23I wouldn't be here without her, so I shouldn't be here without her, you know?
38:26It's all thicker.
38:27That's me.
38:27That's me.
38:28Good to see you, man.
38:29Yeah, you too.
38:33He's either the sweetest twat I've ever met or the thickest twat.
38:37You're a thick twat.
38:39What?
38:40Security guy.
38:42That's all I have to.
38:43You literally told me to bring you here as security.
38:45Why are you getting cranky?
38:46Oh, you haven't broken fast, huh?
38:48No, I haven't.
38:49No, of course I'm hungry, man.
38:50Don't eat a canapé.
38:50Champagne, don't eat a canapé, bro.
38:52Just have a little canapé, bro.
38:54Have a little something to eat.
38:56You know, think here is halal, none of the little things, the big things, none of it.
38:58Have some halumi.
39:00Halumi.
39:00Halumi's not as really.
39:01That's what they want you to think.
39:02It's an Arabic cheese.
39:04Prove it to me.
39:04Google it.
39:05You know I don't use Google.
39:11Too kind.
39:14Good evening.
39:14In 2001, we watched in horror as Taliban fanatics laid waste to a once great nation's cultural heritage.
39:25We wept as monuments to peace were turned to rubble.
39:30But tonight, we right this wrong.
39:33After a nine-year, 15 million pound restoration project, it is my honor to present to you tonight
39:41the restored Buddha of Bamiyan.
39:57Now an extra special treat.
39:59It is with great enthusiasm that I invite tonight's guest speaker to the stage.
40:04The most gentle mini-vampire hunter I've ever had the pleasure of meeting, Raj Dakar.
40:16It's an honor to be here, I mean.
40:19Wow.
40:21This museum is home to artifacts from around the globe.
40:26And so it should follow that England, too, is home to people from those same places.
40:31Now tonight is a celebration, but I would like to speak with you all about my experiences
40:35as an Englishman and as a person of color.
40:40Recently, racist hate took the form of a severed pig's head delivered to my family's doorstep.
40:51It was horrific.
40:53There was blood everywhere.
40:55My mother was left traumatized.
40:57Mummy, I'm sorry.
41:00But no amount of hate will make me hide.
41:04Those driven by prejudice,
41:07they need to see us in these spaces.
41:12And because this, too, is what British looks like.
41:21Excuse me, Mr. Latif.
41:23Do you have a situation?
41:24A man claiming to be your brother has been harassing and racially profiling museum guests.
41:29What?
41:33Oh, and, uh, Shah Latif wanted to say something, too.
41:36I'm about to go on, man.
41:38Shah?
41:39Otherwise, we're going to have to escort him off the premises immediately.
41:42I don't know him.
41:50I know.
42:00So, let's talk about your big moment.
42:03The speech that never was.
42:05A silky bit of spycraft from Thacker.
42:08He's clearly made for the role.
42:10Not to mention, he can get the bleeding lines out.
42:15Line?
42:16I can do better.
42:17I can.
42:18Can you now?
42:20Let's see.
42:21I also had a pig's head sent to mine for themselves.
42:28I, um...
42:29Nice one, dickhead.
42:31You're more frozen than me.
42:33But it's not your acting that's the problem, is it?
42:36It's who you are.
42:39You don't have the balls to be bombed.
42:43Hey, yo, guys.
42:44Bomby, me, you weren't an only fan.
42:45You turned your back on your own fans.
42:49Mansona!
42:50You turned your back on your own family.
42:52I can't get the fuck with me, bro.
42:55Face it.
42:56People like you are never the heroes of the story.
43:00You'll always just be a scared little packy.
43:09Send him back where he came from!
43:11Come on!
43:16Come on!
43:18Come on!
43:22Ah!
43:23Ah!
43:24Ah!
43:25Oh!
43:30Ah!
43:32Ah!
43:34Ah!
43:35Hey, hey, hey.
43:41Yeah?
43:46You OK?
43:48Yeah, are you?
43:49What were you doing?
43:50Nothing. What were you doing?
43:52Nothing, bro. It's 2am.
43:54Were you talking to someone or what?
43:57Oh, sorry, man. I was just running lights.
43:59In a suit?
44:00Costume, innit?
44:02Oh, well, the moon's been sighted, so.
44:05Eve Mubarak.
44:07Yeah.
44:08Night night, you weirdo.
44:13Eve Mubarak, bitch.
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