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Stephen Colbert 2026 03 31 Nathan Lane JOAN
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00:00The national average for gas prices just crossed the $4 mark for the first time in four years.
00:07In some states, it's already nearing $6, and it's all because the war in Iran is choking global oil prices.
00:14This Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, at the Newark Prudential Center,
00:20come see your favorite monster crocs standing still as hell.
00:26See Bigfoot with its engine off, and Grave Digger taking inertia to extreme.
00:36Thrilled to Megasaurus sitting quietly contemplating existence.
00:45So this Sunday, come to Newark Prudential Center and watch this part.
00:53It's The Late Show with Stephen Colbert.
00:59Tonight, Crude Awakening.
01:03But Stephen welcomes Nathan Lane and Arsenio Hall.
01:11Featuring Louis Cato and the Great Big Joy Machine.
01:16And now, live on tape from the Ed Sullivan Theater in New York City,
01:23it's Stephen Colbert!
01:48Welcome in here, out there, all around the world, ladies and gentlemen, to The Late Show.
01:52I'm your host, Stephen Colbert.
01:54It was...
01:57It was a beautiful day here in New York.
02:01Perfect for a walk to the park, a walk to work, a walk to Pennsylvania.
02:06The point is, no one can afford to drive, because we all woke up to the banner headline,
02:13yikes, gas prices soar, the most dignified headline since, zoinks, Titanic sinks.
02:20There you go.
02:21The reason we're all yikesing is that for the first time since 2022,
02:26gas prices soared past an average of $4 per gallon.
02:30I mean, who could have seen this coming?
02:33Just...
02:35Just two days ago, gas was a reasonable $3.98.
02:40Yesterday, it was $3.99.
02:43I mean, suddenly, out of nowhere, it's $4.
02:47There's no knowing what the price could be tomorrow.
02:53At $4 a gallon, gas is now officially more expensive than milk.
02:57Yeah.
02:58And everyone laughed when I bought my milk-powered car.
03:03Yes, I'm a proud owner of a Toyota Mamre.
03:12I'm sorry.
03:16I know the joke is over.
03:18Could you put it back up there for a second, please?
03:20So, it has...
03:25I don't understand why, if it runs on milk, it has udders.
03:29So, it makes its own fuel.
03:31Okay, that makes sense.
03:33This is a big change for consumers,
03:34because the price of a gallon of gas was below $3 a month ago.
03:38Now, obviously, we know what happened in the past month that raised prices.
03:42ABC canceled The Bachelorette.
03:44And...
03:46In response, Trump attacked Iran.
03:49And the fact...
03:51I think that's why.
03:52The fact that Trump is ruining everything all the time
03:54has not helped his popularity.
03:56According to a new UMass, YouGov,
03:59You Spin Me Right Round, Baby Right Round poll,
04:02his approval rating has sunk to 33%.
04:0833!
04:1033%, one-third.
04:12That's only one out of every three people.
04:15To put that into perspective,
04:16turn to your right.
04:18Now, turn to your left.
04:21Both of those people are more popular than Donald Trump.
04:32Trump's other poll numbers are also pretty rough.
04:35On average, 47.2% of Americans strongly disapprove of him,
04:39but there are still 22.4% who strongly approve of him.
04:48Who are you?
05:01Well, I want cash to be expensive.
05:04I want the Kennedy Center blowed up.
05:07And I know this is a pipe dream,
05:09but is there any way that maybe, maybe,
05:12we could get Denmark to hate us?
05:15Because I would just love,
05:17I would just love it if the price of licorice went up, too.
05:21The high...
05:24We were backstage going,
05:25What does Denmark make?
05:29Mermaids?
05:30Okay.
05:31The high gas prices and poor poll numbers
05:33might be spooking Trump,
05:34because the Wall Street Journal is now reporting
05:36that he's willing to end the U.S. military campaign in Iran,
05:39even if the Strait of Hormuz remains largely closed.
05:44Which, of course, brings us to another installment
05:47of our long-running series,
05:48Hormuz News You Can Use.
05:52Entering Month 2's
05:54Strait Still Closed?
05:57Me Confused.
06:05Trump seems to be changing his tune
06:07because administration officials determined
06:09that a mission to pry open the Strait
06:11would push the conflict
06:12beyond Trump's self-imposed timeline
06:14of four to six weeks.
06:16So he's just walking away
06:17from the disaster he created
06:19because it's too complicated.
06:21It's a military strategy
06:23known as starting a thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle.
06:27Ooh, this is fun.
06:30No, wait, maybe I hate jigsaw puzzles.
06:33Tell you what,
06:34I'm just going to leave this here
06:35on the dining room table
06:36for three years.
06:40Ooh, found an edge.
06:44Now, Trump, it's too much green.
06:48It's all just green.
06:54Now, Trump wants to cut and run
06:56and pass his problem off
06:58to just anybody else.
06:59This morning, he posted,
07:00all of those countries
07:01that can't get jet fuel
07:03because of the Strait of Hormuz
07:05build up some delayed courage,
07:08go to the Strait,
07:08and just take it.
07:10Iran has been essentially decimated.
07:14The hard part is done.
07:15Go get your own oil.
07:17Yes.
07:18No.
07:19Yes, he's right.
07:20The hard part is done.
07:22Now go do the harder part.
07:25It's like Alexander Graham Bale's
07:27famous words,
07:28Mr. Watson,
07:29come here and invent the telephone.
07:33If,
07:33if other countries
07:35bail,
07:37bail,
07:42if other countries
07:43don't step in,
07:44Trump has another,
07:46even worse idea,
07:47which he posted about yesterday.
07:49If the Hormuz Strait
07:50is not immediately
07:51open for business,
07:53we will conclude
07:54our lovely stay
07:56in Iran
07:57by blowing up
07:58and completely obliterating
08:00all of their
08:00electric generating plants,
08:02oil wells,
08:02and Karg Island,
08:04and possibly
08:05all desalination plants,
08:06which we have purposefully
08:08not yet touched.
08:11Okay.
08:12First off,
08:13uh,
08:14someone who's mentioned
08:15in the Epstein files
08:16over 38,000 times
08:17should not,
08:20really,
08:21should not put quotes
08:23around the word
08:23touched.
08:36B,
08:38deliberately blowing up
08:39civilian infrastructure
08:40could constitute
08:41a war crime.
08:42But at this point,
08:43I think Trump
08:44is hoping to achieve
08:45the crime EGOT.
08:47which, of course,
08:48is war crime,
08:49financial crime,
08:50sex crime,
08:51and Grammy.
08:54To add to the confusion,
08:58to add to the confusion,
09:00there was a press conference
09:01today from
09:01Defense Secretary
09:02Pete Hegseth,
09:03seen here finding out
09:04the Build-A-Bear workshop
09:05does not have a full bar.
09:09Hegseth,
09:09Hegseth,
09:10tried to,
09:11tried to clear things up
09:12about where we go
09:14from here.
09:15If Iran is wise,
09:17they will cut a deal.
09:18This new regime,
09:19because regime change
09:21has occurred,
09:22should be wiser
09:24than the last.
09:25Should they?
09:27Should they be?
09:29Because the guy
09:29we're negotiating with
09:30is the son of the Ayatollah
09:32we blew up.
09:34Not necessarily
09:35the best opening offer.
09:36It's like that famous scene
09:38from The Princess Bride.
09:40My name is
09:41Inigo Montoya.
09:43You killed my father.
09:45Prepare to...
09:47Negotiate!
09:51He's so good.
09:53Man.
09:54He's so good.
09:54He's so good.
09:56He's the best.
09:59Mandy.
10:00But our Secretary of War Crimes
10:02explained why
10:03it's okay to blow stuff up.
10:05Because God likes it.
10:07Because here he is
10:08last week at the Pentagon
10:09praying.
10:11Let every round
10:12find its mark
10:13against the enemies
10:14of righteousness
10:15and our great nation.
10:16Give them wisdom
10:18in every decision,
10:19endurance for the trial ahead,
10:21unbreakable unity,
10:23and overwhelming
10:24violence of action
10:25against those
10:25who deserve no mercy.
10:27We ask these things
10:28with bold confidence
10:29in the mighty
10:29and powerful name
10:30of Jesus Christ.
10:31Yes.
10:32Yes.
10:33No.
10:34No.
10:36Yes.
10:37Boo all you want,
10:38but we all remember
10:39the Sermon on the Mount
10:40when Jesus said,
10:42to him who strikes you
10:43on the one cheek,
10:44ask,
10:44do you know where you are?
10:46You're in the jungle, baby.
10:48You're gonna die.
11:12I don't know what in the blue-eyed,
11:15blonde, baby Jesus,
11:16Hegseth is talking about
11:18because that is not the Jesus
11:19I was raised with
11:20and it's not the Jesus
11:22the Pope was raised with either
11:23because on Palm Sunday,
11:24Pope Leo responded,
11:26Brothers and sisters,
11:27this is our God.
11:29Jesus, King of Peace,
11:30who rejects war,
11:31whom no one can use
11:33to justify war,
11:34he does not listen
11:35to the prayers
11:36of those who wage war
11:37or reject them,
11:39saying,
11:40even though you make many prayers,
11:42I will not listen.
11:43your hands are full of blood.
11:50Yeah.
11:51There it is.
11:54There it is.
11:58Though I gotta ask,
12:00hands full of blood,
12:02I mean,
12:02who could that be?
12:04Oh, there you go.
12:06There it is.
12:07But there's some good news
12:09from the federal courts,
12:10ladies and gentlemen,
12:10because earlier today,
12:12a federal judge
12:13blocked Trump
12:14from moving ahead
12:15with any further work
12:16on his ballroom.
12:23Yeah.
12:30Is there any way
12:31we can declare Iran
12:32a ballroom?
12:35And the judge,
12:36and he did not hold back
12:37in his ruling.
12:38He wrote,
12:38the president of the United States
12:40is the steward of the White House
12:41for future generations
12:42of first families.
12:43He is not, however,
12:45the owner.
12:47That's true.
12:48That's absolutely true.
12:52The judge is right.
12:54That's true,
12:55which is why
12:55they make every president
12:56put down a security deposit
12:58and charge 35 bucks
12:59if they lose
13:00their White House front door key.
13:02The president, of course,
13:03got winded this ruling,
13:04and he is,
13:05how will you say,
13:06a muy furioso.
13:08The National Trust
13:10for Historic Preservation
13:11choose me
13:12for a ballroom
13:13that is under budget,
13:15ahead of schedule,
13:16being built
13:16at no cost
13:17to the taxpayer,
13:18and will be
13:18the finest building
13:19of its kind
13:20anywhere in the world,
13:21but all of the many
13:23disasters in our country
13:24are left alone to die.
13:27Doesn't make much sense,
13:28does it?
13:29You know what?
13:30I'll grant him this.
13:31He really should end
13:32more sentences like that.
13:34I'm the president
13:35of the United States.
13:37Doesn't make much sense,
13:38does it?
13:41We've got a great show
13:42for tonight.
13:43My guests are Aiden Payne
13:45and Arsenio Hall.
13:47And when we come back,
13:49thanks.
13:50Join us.
13:53We'll be right back
13:54on the tag.
13:55We'll be right back to something.
14:00We'll be right back to that backdrop that газ
14:05We'll be right back to this.
14:15uniforms, banging on their way.
14:20THERE SHE IS, THERE SHE BLOWS.
14:23COMING UP, MY FRIENDS, MY FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS,
14:27COMING UP, WE HAVE TWO GIANTS OF THE STAGE AND THE SCREEN,
14:30MR. NATHAN LANE AND MR. ARSENIO HALL WILL BE OUT HERE.
14:33JUST A LITTLE, LITTLE OF THIS EXTRA HERE.
14:36THERE YOU GO. WOW, NO WAY.
14:39THAT'S WONDERFUL. I LOVE IT.
14:41WE GOT OUR OWN DOG POUN. ALL RIGHT.
14:44FOLKS, IF YOU KNOW ME, YOU KNOW I LOVE SCIENCE.
14:47WITHOUT IT, WHAT WOULD WE DO WITH BUNSON BURNERS?
14:50BURN BUNSON?
14:52AND I'D LIKE TO BRING YOU ALL... WE SHOULDN'T.
14:55THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING. WE SHOULDN'T DO THIS.
14:57I'D LIKE TO BRING YOU ALL THE LATEST SCIENCE NEWS IN MY SCIENCE SEGMENT.
15:01THE SOUND OF SCIENCE.
15:03THE LATEST SCIENCE OF SCIENCE.
15:08FIRST UP, A NEW STUDY SAYS...
15:11A NEW STUDY SAYS MAKING BABIES IN SPACE MAY BE MORE COMPLICATED
15:16THAN EXPECTED.
15:26FIRST OF ALL, THE ASTRONAUTS ARE GOING TO HAVE TO GET CLOSER THAN THAT.
15:31SCIENTISTS HAVE FOUND THAT...
15:34SPERM STRUGGLED TO NAVIGATE THROUGH THE FEMALE REPRODUCTIVE TRACK
15:37IN MICROGRAVITY, MAKING IT HARDER TO REACH THE EGG.
15:40THAT'S IF YOU CAN EVEN GET IT ON IN ZERO-G.
15:44ONE PERSON'S GOT TO BE VELCROED TO THE WALL.
15:46THE OTHER ONE'S GOT TO STRAP ON A BUNGEE CORD.
15:50YOU KNOW... YOU KNOW THEY'RE UP THERE TRYING IT.
15:53ASTRONAUTS DO LOVE TANG.
15:55NOW, OUR NEXT...
15:58COME ON. COME ON.
16:01WE'RE OFF THE AIR IN TWO MONTHS.
16:03NOW, OUR NEXT SCIENCE SOUND, MOO.
16:08BECAUSE SCIENTISTS HAVE REPORTED THE FIRST DOCUMENTED CASE OF A TOOL USE
16:11IN A PET COW.
16:13PLEASE BE A SLAP CHOP. PLEASE BE A SLAP CHOP.
16:16PLEASE...
16:18NOPE.
16:19A COW IS NAMED VERONICA, AND SHE'S TAUGHT HERSELF TO USE A BROOM
16:22TO SCRATCH HERSELF WITHOUT ANY HELP.
16:24SO, YES, SHE CAN WIELD A BROOM, JUST NOT QUITE WELL ENOUGH TO
16:28DEFEND HERSELF AGAINST RUTH'S CHRISS.
16:34MAYBE YOU SHOULD'VE LEARNED TO USE THE NUNCHUKS, VERONICA.
16:40NEXT UP...
16:42NO, THAT'S WHAT I WAS SAYING.
16:44THAT'S OKAY.
16:46NEXT UP, THE WEBSITE SCIENCE NEWS IS IMPLORING US TO WATCH THE FIRST
16:50VIDEO OF A SPERM WHEEL BIRTH, WHICH HAS BEEN CAPTURED ON CAMERA
16:54IN MORE INTIMATE DETAIL THAN EVER BEFORE.
16:58YOU KNOW WHAT?
16:59I WOULD LOVE TO.
17:01BUT ONE OF THE THINGS I GAVE UP FOR LENT IS LOOKING AT CLOSE-UP SHOTS
17:04OF WHEEL GENITALS.
17:06BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, COME MONDAY, FREE WILLY.
17:11NEXT UP...
17:13FREE WILLY, TANG, RUTH CHRIS, MAKING LOTS OF FRIENDS HERE.
17:19NEXT UP, SCIENTIST JUST TURNED LIGHT INTO A REMOTE CONTROL FOR CRYSTALS,
17:23WHICH REALLY SOUNDS LIKE DIALOGUE IN A BAD SCIENCE FICTION MOVIE,
17:27SO THEY CAN JUST GET ON WITH THE REST OF THE STORY.
17:29DOCTOR, HOW CAN WE STOP THE ALIENS IF THEIR WEAPONS ARE POWERED BY QUARTS?
17:33I JUST DID A SCIENCE, AND I TURNED LIGHT INTO A REMOTE CONTROL FOR CRYSTALS.
17:38NOW VELCRO YOURSELF TO THE WALL, AND I'LL GET THE BUNGEE CORDS.
17:43THERE YOU GO.
17:44IT'S A CALLBACK.
17:45IT'S CALLED A CALLBACK.
17:48CALLBACK.
17:49NEXT UP, SCIENTISTS HAVE DEVELOPED EYE DROPS MADE FROM PIG SEMEN THAT CAN DELIVER CANCER TREATMENT
17:55TO MICE, WHICH IS GOOD NEWS FOR THE MICE, AND I GOTTA SAY, GREAT NEWS FOR THE PIGS.
18:09NEXT UP, CHINS, THE HEEL OF THE FACE.
18:13HUMANS ARE THE ONLY MAMMAL THAT HAS THEM, AND RESEARCHERS SAY THAT THE HUMAN CHIN HAS LONG BEEN
18:19FERTILE GROUND FOR ARGUMENTS BETWEEN SCIENTISTS OVER ITS PURPOSE.
18:22AND SOME ARE STILL ASKING, WHY DO HUMANS UNIQUELY HAVE A CHIN?
18:26I CAN ANSWER THAT ONE.
18:28THE CHIN HAS A VERY CLEAR EVOLUTIONARY PURPOSE.
18:30IT'S SO YOU CAN GO, HMM.
18:35I WONDER WHAT A CHIN IS FOR.
18:40NOW, WHAT ELSE?
18:43WHAT ELSE IS DOWN THE SCIENCE HOLE?
18:45THIS.
18:45BLUE CRABS HAVE A SERIOUS CANNIBALISM PROBLEM.
18:48NOW, NOT TO NITPICK, BUT THAT IMPLIES THERE'S SUCH A THING AS A NON-SERIOUS CANNIBALISM PROBLEM.
18:55BETH, BEFORE THIS RELATIONSHIP GOES ANY FURTHER, I SHOULD TELL YOU I HAVE A MILD CANNIBALISM ISSUE.
19:01I HOPE YOU STILL WANT ME TO MEET YOUR PARENTS.
19:03YOUR DAD SOUNDS DELICIOUS.
19:07NEXT UP, A NEW STUDY LOOKED AT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU MAKE CLONES OF CLONED MICE AND FOUND THAT
19:15AFTER 20 YEARS OF CONTINUOUS CLONING FROM A SINGLE DONOR MOUSE,
19:19RECLONED MICE ACCUMULATED LARGE MUTATIONS IN THEIR DNA AND MAJOR ISSUES SHOWED UP BY THE 27TH GENERATION.
19:26IN SUPPORT OF THE STUDY, SCIENTIST PUBLISHED THIS PHOTO OF A 27TH GENERATION RECLONED MOUSE.
19:34WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH NATHAN LANE.
19:47WELCOME BACK, LAIDES, DELMOND, FRIENDS, AND NEIGHBORS, CHILDREN OF ALL AGES.
19:55FOLKS, MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS AN EMMY AND TONY AWARD-WINNING ACTOR.
20:01HE NOW STARS AS WILLIE LOWMAN IN THE BROADWAY REVIVAL OF ARTHUR MILLER'S DEATH OF A SALESMAN.
20:06PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO THE LATE SHOW, NATHAN LANE.
20:23HAT SAатов!
20:37Thank you, Adam, wow.
20:50Wow, what a nice way to start.
20:53Yes, nice to see you again.
20:55Thank you, and you look great.
20:56You look joyful and radiant,
20:57like Lindsey Graham with a bubble wand.
21:01Happiest place on earth.
21:03Yes, absolutely, especially when he's there.
21:07Thank you, sorry, we both jumped for the joke.
21:09There you go.
21:11Listen, you are now starring on Broadway
21:13in a revival of one of the greatest American plays.
21:16It's Arthur Miller's Death of a Salesman.
21:18Yeah.
21:20As opposed to all the other Death of a Salesman's out there.
21:25You're playing Willy Loman, okay?
21:27I understand this production has been in the works
21:29for 30 years?
21:30Yeah.
21:31It takes you that long to learn your lines?
21:35These days.
21:36Yes.
21:37You know, it's, you know, the way you feel about Lord of the Rings.
21:40This is how I feel about this play.
21:43It's like a sacred text to me.
21:45I saw it when I was 10 years old in 1966.
21:48There was a CBS special presentation of the play
21:52with the original stars Lee J. Cobb and Mildred Dunnick,
21:55and I remember being very upset at 10 by what was happening to Lee J. Cobb.
22:01Other children were watching Gilligan's Island.
22:05And I was mesmerized by Arthur Miller's attack on capitalism.
22:13But then cut 30 years later, I was rehearsing a Terence McNally play, this was in 1995, with
22:21the director of Salesman, the brilliant Joe Mantello.
22:25It was our first time working together, and one day he turned to me and said, you know, someday,
22:29we're going to do Death of a Salesman together.
22:32And I was sort of surprised and very touched that he thought I might be worthy of taking on such
22:39a monumental piece someday.
22:41And now, 30 years later, it's finally happening, and I couldn't be more thrilled and grateful
22:47to be doing it with this extraordinary cast over at the Winter Garden.
22:50Well, it's an amazing play.
22:53Iconic role.
22:58Willie Loman is an iconic role.
23:00What's it like playing him?
23:03Uh, well, you know, it's longer than King Lear.
23:07And it is...
23:08Is it?
23:08Yes, it is.
23:09The part, Willie Loman has more lines than King Lear.
23:12Yes, and it's been historically tough on the actors playing Willie.
23:18Arthur Miller wrote that Lee J. Cobb lost his voice after three months and wanted to take a
23:23two-week vacation, and they said, it's a hit, Lee, you can't leave.
23:27And he left the play early.
23:28Dustin Hoffman, he started doing eight shows a week, and then he reduced it to six.
23:33Brian Dennehy had to be hospitalized for exhaustion, and they reduced it to seven performances.
23:38What about how many years?
23:39I'm doing eight, so I'm on a death watch.
23:43But what a way to go.
23:46Exactly.
23:47I'll tell you that, you know, it's, it is, the power of this play is undeniable.
23:53And, and you know, it's a classic for a reason, and it speaks to us each time you see it.
23:59And certainly where you are in your own life and where we are in the country, it's, it's always
24:05relevant and it's always showing you something about how we live.
24:09But it's not just our country.
24:10This play has been performed all over the world.
24:12All over.
24:12Arthur Miller directed it in Beijing.
24:15Wow.
24:16And they all said, oh, it's our story.
24:18Why, why do you think that is?
24:19I remember my father, who didn't really like live theater, my mother loved it,
24:24he didn't really care for it.
24:26But they went to go see the original with Lee J Cobb, Death of a Salesman.
24:30And my father's father had been a salesman.
24:33And he walked out and turned to my mom and his entire review was, that was true.
24:37Oh, yeah.
24:38Yeah.
24:39I think, you know, when you hear, you hear people weeping in the dark, you hear a kind
24:44of silence that you only hear in the theater when you're, people are experiencing something
24:50like this.
24:51It's, you know, there are so many essays you can read about the socio-political aspects
24:56of the play, but ultimately it's a, it's a love story.
24:59It's a story about a family and a father and a son and, and mothers and sons.
25:05And, and it's about, and Miller, you know, was often asked what it was about and he had
25:10many different answers, but he said, when he directed in, in Beijing, he said, uh, it's
25:15a love story between a father and a son and, and in a crazy way between them and America.
25:21And, um, it's, you know, it's just, I've, it's a lifelong dream to be doing this.
25:28It's the culmination of, you know, 50 years as a professional actor.
25:32So to finally be doing it, uh, is, um, is just amazing to me.
25:38And I'm so happy that audiences have been responding to this.
25:42We have to take a quick break.
25:43We'll be right back with more Nathan Lane, everybody.
25:45Stick around.
25:54Hey everybody, we're back.
25:56No, sit down.
25:57We're not done yet.
25:58We're not done yet.
25:59Because we got, oh my.
26:01Hey, the kid.
26:03Welcome to show business.
26:05I'm so good.
26:06You'll understand someday.
26:07Ladies, it's Jason Lane, everybody.
26:09Sit down.
26:11Okay, I first saw you in Guys and Dolls.
26:14Oh, 1992.
26:15Back in the day, yeah, with Faith Prince and such.
26:18Oh, the greatest musical ever.
26:20I, uh, it is, it is.
26:22Pound for pound.
26:23Right.
26:23Everything's a hit in the entire thing.
26:25And I just love you.
26:27I know you don't, Willie does not sing, but I know you sing.
26:29And I was just wondering, I was wondering if you could do, uh, something for us.
26:33I understand there's something you actually wanted to do before.
26:35You know, this is, uh, you know, my final appearance on The Late Show.
26:39Unless George Clooney, you know, falls out and I get a last minute call.
26:43So, I wanted to.
26:45Leave your number.
26:45Okay, good.
26:46Uh, I, uh, I wanted to do something special.
26:50And, um, oh, that's so nice.
27:00So, um, and also, uh, for your audience and, but, you know,
27:04to thank you for being such a kind and gracious host.
27:07Oh, you're very kind.
27:07Thank you very much.
27:09No, it's our honor to have you on.
27:11I've enjoyed our visit so much.
27:12Yeah.
27:13So, I, I called my dear friend, um, Tony Grammy Emmy Award winner and seven-time Oscar nominee,
27:19Mark Shaman.
27:20Yes.
27:20And we, uh, found a wonderful song that we felt speaks to, uh, the challenging times we are living through.
27:29And I'd like to introduce you all to Mr. Mark Shaman.
27:41Nice to see you.
27:44So, Maestro.
27:46Yes.
27:47The stage is yours, friend.
27:48Oh, thank you very much.
27:50Um, so this is, uh, uh, just to, uh, to set this up, this is, uh, a song called Laughing
27:55Matters.
27:55It was, it debuted in 1996 in a little off-Broadway review called When Pigs Fly.
28:01And it's written by Dick Gallagher and Mark Waldrop.
28:06Hi, Mark.
28:07Hello, David.
28:10I'm a fan of the show.
28:11MS Now and CNN keep us all abreast of breaking stories that contend to make us anxious and depressed.
28:22Problems with no answers hang on like some chronic cough and every day some brand new issue
28:30Rears its head to piss you off.
28:38Bad guys win.
28:41Optimism's wearing thin.
28:43Things are spinning out of control.
28:51Cynicism's all the fad.
28:54World events could make us mad as hatters.
28:59Almost every day some underpinning slips away.
29:08These aren't laughing matters.
29:14Time bombs tick.
29:16People keep on getting sick.
29:19And a nickel's not worth a cent.
29:26Wickedness and greed abound.
29:30Just as peace is gaining ground, it shatters.
29:37Hate is here to stay.
29:40And justice goes to those who pay.
29:44Friends, these aren't laughing matters.
29:51The truth is scarier by far
29:57Than anything that Stephen King could write.
30:03The stories in the paper are
30:10The daily small decline and fall
30:15Spelled out in black and white
30:21Oh, what to do
30:24How to take a brighter view
30:29When your noodles totally fried
30:34Human spirits need to be
30:38Leavened by some levity
30:42So take those blues
30:43And bounce them off the wall
30:48Keep your humor
30:52Please
30:52Cause don't you know
30:56It's times like these
31:01That
31:02Laughing matters
31:06Most of
31:09All
31:29Death of the salesman
31:30Death of the salesman
31:30Is on broadway
31:32At their winter garden theater
31:33Mark Shaman and Nathan Lane, everybody
31:35We'll be right back
31:37With our Cineo Hall
31:56Welcome back
31:57Ladies and gentlemen
31:59I am so happy to say
32:00That my next guest tonight
32:02Is a legend of late night television
32:03You know him from coming to America
32:05And as the host of the
32:07The Arsenio Hall Show
32:08Please welcome back to the
32:09Late Show
32:09Mr. Arsenio Hall
32:33Thank you
32:39Hey man, it's great to see you
32:41I've interviewed you before
32:42Over Zoom during COVID
32:44But it's wonderful to be with you
32:46In the flesh for the first time
32:48Yes
32:48Yeah
32:48And my mother made you a hat
32:51Yes
32:51A knit hat
32:53Yes
32:53She made you
32:54Like you're gonna wear a knit hat
32:55Well
32:58Not this time of year
32:59But yeah, I might wear a knit hat
33:00Good hat
33:01Um, uh
33:02There's so much to talk about
33:03Let's just get straight to
33:04We've got a new memoir
33:05And my edibles just kicked in
33:06So I'm like
33:09This is beautiful
33:10Well
33:12As my elementary school teacher used to say
33:14Did you bring enough for the whole class?
33:17The new memoir right here
33:19Arsenio
33:21A memoir
33:22Tells the story of how
33:23I want to get to this guy as quickly as possible
33:27This talented aspiring young magician
33:32Who was obsessed with Johnny Carson
33:35And hosted a talk show in his basement
33:38You had your own?
33:39Yes
33:39And it was called?
33:40Uh, Arsenio
33:44Early and often
33:45Okay
33:45How he became the Arsenio Hall
33:47Would this young man be surprised that it worked out?
33:52Um
33:53This young man would be surprised that he has food on his table
33:58Uh, you know, when I was young it was
34:01It was, uh, tough goings for a while
34:03I, have you ever done this?
34:04Have you ever gone to the supermarket
34:05And put stuff in your cart and eat while you're there?
34:09Sure
34:10And then leave the cart and run out of the store?
34:13Yes
34:14That's, that's how I used to eat early on
34:17So I just wanted food, man
34:18But I'm happy it all worked out
34:20Yes
34:20All right
34:21Now
34:24Now your show, Arsenio
34:27Introduced so many artists that went on to be huge
34:29Mariah Carey, Will Smith, Snoop Dogg, MC Hammer
34:32Yes
34:33And did you, like, did you personally go like
34:36Oh, I want that, that person seems fantastic
34:38Did you have like a special sense of who these people might be?
34:42I, I think so
34:43I remember Tommy Mottola giving me a cassette tape
34:46In the Ivy, a restaurant in Los Angeles
34:49And on it, it said Mariah Carey, Vision of Love
34:53And I went to the car and played it on the way home
34:55And I'm like, hey, let's find her
34:58You know, and I put her on
35:00Or one time they brought me a tape
35:02Of a little boy doing an Elvis impression
35:05And, uh, I was like, we got to put him on
35:08And Paramount said no, because
35:09How old was he?
35:10Uh, he was an embryo
35:12He was like, uh
35:14No, he, he was, he was, uh, maybe five
35:16Yeah, yeah
35:16You know, they lied about his age, I think
35:18But, but, uh
35:20But we created something in the monologue
35:23So it was like a talent show
35:24And he competed against an old lady
35:26Who, who, who sings
35:28And he came out and turned it out
35:30And it was Bruno Mars
35:33Yeah
35:34Wow
35:35Yeah
35:35Bruno Mars
35:36Yes
35:37And he, and he never got much bigger
35:38No, no, he is
35:41Now, you, uh, you also had Prince on
35:44To perform multiple times
35:45And you like Prince, right?
35:47Oh, Prince is fantastic
35:48Oh, yeah
35:48It was great
35:49And, but you got to know him
35:51You got to know him
35:52What's it like to get to know Prince?
35:54Did you hang with him?
35:55Yeah, when I could
35:56Prince didn't have a cell phone
35:59So, so he was hard to hang with
36:02Because, but one time I said
36:04Why don't you get a cell phone, man?
36:05He said, why do I need a cell phone?
36:09And I said, so I can find your ass, you know
36:11He said, everyone around me has a cell phone
36:15And I'm like, oh, that's a good point, I guess
36:17You know, but, but Prince used to ask me for the whole hour
36:21And he was the only one I would give that to
36:23If Prince were here, would you give him the whole hour?
36:26I would kick you off the stage right now
36:33Yes, absolutely, that's the answer
36:34Yeah, exactly, that's it, of course
36:36Yeah, I'd kick me off the stage
36:38Yeah
36:39Yeah, I used to be a little heavy on music
36:42You know, I did a lot of music
36:44And, you know, music doesn't always hold the ratings the way
36:48No, no, no, we see the minute by minutes, yeah
36:50We love it, and you want to treat the artist very well
36:52Because you're grateful for there
36:53Because it blows your mind that you're there with Prince
36:55Or whoever it is, or McCartney, or whatever it is
36:57But the network's like, eh
36:58Yeah
36:59Yeah, and they, you know, it's expensive
37:00Yep
37:01They want to put it at the end of the show
37:02Right
37:03And my bread and butter was music
37:05One time I booked, uh, Michael Bivens from New Edition called me
37:09Oh, wow, this is a very hip group of white and black people
37:13Um, yes, yes, wow
37:19No, because
37:20Yes, that's CBS
37:21Yeah, yeah, there you go
37:24Because, you know, when you say Michael Bivens
37:27I expected the brother, you know
37:29I expected, yeah, I know Mike, he's from Philly, right?
37:33You know, but these white people were like, Michael Bivens
37:38I like it, but, uh
37:39We hand out glossaries before these
37:41That's good, thank goodness
37:42But, um, he called me and he said
37:44These guys from Philadelphia, there are four of them
37:47They're called Boys to Men
37:49The album's not finished yet
37:51But could you bring them on
37:53And maybe let them sit in with the posse, the band
37:55Yeah
37:56And I said, you know what, I got The Temptations
37:58Coming on
37:59And he said, oh, they love The Temptations
38:02And I had them all perform together
38:04What?
38:05And, and, yeah, and, and Paramount
38:08That, that was what Paramount wanted
38:09More black people
38:13That they didn't know performing
38:15So I, you know
38:18Now, listen, you write, you write in your book
38:21About your relationship with the great Richard Pryor
38:24Oh, that's the man
38:25Now, the first time you truly hung out
38:27He came to your unfurnished condo, right?
38:29Yes
38:29So you had a condo but had no furniture?
38:31I had no furniture
38:32Uh, I was talking to his security guy
38:35And, um, Rashawn
38:38Rashawn said, Mr. Pryor, uh, Sineo just bought a condo
38:43And I was like, you know, don't tell him
38:46Richard don't care about that, you know
38:47And, uh, Richard said, I'd like to see it
38:52And Rashawn brought him to my condo
38:56And I had no furniture
38:58But Rashawn had told me
38:59Just have some Kevassie
39:03And the three of us sat there and drank Kevassie
39:05And you know what?
39:06He said something to me
39:06And I never forgot it
39:08He said, he looked around this empty condo
39:10One bedroom
39:10And he said, you know, this is when I was happy
39:14And I said, what do you mean?
39:15He said, yeah, when it was simple
39:16And I had a place like this
39:18And it taught me a little something
39:20You know, the things you buy
39:22The material things
39:23That's not happiness
39:25You know, you can have a lot of stuff
39:27And be very unhappy, you know
39:29And I learned a lot from Richard
39:31You know, and some of it didn't have
39:34None to do with comedy
39:35Uh, but
39:41The man is Arsenio
39:43The book is Arsenio
39:46Arsenio
39:48Thank you
39:50We'll be right back
39:56Hey, that's it for The Late Show
39:57Tune in tomorrow
39:58My guest will be Meryl Streep
40:00Good night
40:19Hey, that's it for The Late Show
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