- 2 days ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:29Satsang with Mooji
00:57Satsang with Mooji
01:10Satsang with Mooji
01:11Satsang with Mooji
01:11Satsang with Mooji
01:19No, it's good to be out here in New York.
01:22It's good.
01:23I know you guys haven't seen a lot of this.
01:26You don't have this combo.
01:29Guys that look like this and sound like this.
01:32I'm Chinese-Australian.
01:34My dad, he moved from China to Australia to give us a better life.
01:39I moved to America to make it worse again.
01:45I love America.
01:46It's going in a great direction.
01:49There are Chinese people in Australia.
01:52We've got Chinese guys.
01:53There's a lot of them.
01:55I went to a school that was 90% Chinese and Indian kids,
01:59which you can't officially legislate.
02:04You're not allowed to just pick them.
02:06But you can make the test really hard.
02:13I was doing the exam.
02:14I'm like, these questions are difficult in a way that's racist.
02:19I was very offended doing the test.
02:24I've been traveling around America.
02:26I've been all around.
02:27I've been to the South.
02:28Your enemy.
02:31I like the South.
02:32I do.
02:33I like it.
02:33It gets a better...
02:34I like the South.
02:35It's one of my favorite directions.
02:38I like it so much.
02:39When people say things are going south, I say good.
02:42You know?
02:43Let's go further.
02:45Let's go to Mexico.
02:46You know?
02:47I've been all around.
02:48I've been to San Francisco.
02:50Oh, yeah.
02:52Every time I go back, these commies are up to something new.
02:56They're...
02:57These commies.
02:58They've got driverless cars now.
03:00You seen this?
03:02Waymo.
03:04Waymo.
03:05I like it.
03:06I hope we eliminate all humans.
03:08You know?
03:10One day I'd love to perform to just Waymo.
03:13That'd be good.
03:15Those commies.
03:19It's good to be out here.
03:20What a place, you know?
03:22It took me a long time to fly out here.
03:24From Australia to America, 22 hours in the air.
03:28That's unbelievable.
03:29They've got meals on the plane now.
03:32They always had that, but it's still going, you know?
03:37They only have two options, chicken or fish.
03:40That's all they ever had.
03:42And that's not enough information, you know?
03:45Like, what's the chicken?
03:46What's the fish?
03:47They don't tell you in the carts.
03:48They go quick.
03:49So you're not allowed to ask them questions.
03:51I panic, you know?
03:53I say fish.
03:54But it turns out that chicken is a pasta,
03:57which is my absolute favorite.
04:00Chicken Alfredo.
04:01Oh, my gosh.
04:04Fish was a milkshake.
04:09Horrible stuff.
04:13But you guys got good airlines here.
04:15Beautiful airlines.
04:17I am very nice.
04:19I flew on Southwest Airlines.
04:22You heard about this?
04:24They have a thing called open seating.
04:26You can pick whichever seat you want when you're on the plane.
04:30It's unbelievable.
04:31I didn't know that.
04:32They didn't tell me that.
04:33There was nothing.
04:33There was no email.
04:36I found out when I was on the plane.
04:39That's squid games.
04:41You know, I was having a panic attack in the aisle.
04:44People were stepping over my body.
04:46I got the worst seat on the plane, you know?
04:49I just had to sit there, think about my life.
04:51It's horrible.
04:52At one point in the flight, a woman got up to go to the toilet.
04:55I took her seat.
05:00She comes back.
05:01She's like, what's going on?
05:02I'm like, it's open seating, lady.
05:04You know, I'm using her iPad.
05:06I'm looking after her child.
05:11Very good kid.
05:12Very good.
05:14No more chips until you finish your fish smoothie.
05:16We got to...
05:21I came to New York two years ago.
05:23I flew in.
05:24I landed via JFK Airport.
05:26What a beautiful airport.
05:28This is...
05:28It's really good.
05:30Really nice.
05:30They got great Wi-Fi.
05:34Unbelievable Wi-Fi.
05:35You got to log into the Wi-Fi.
05:37They don't just let you on.
05:38You log on, right?
05:39And they got a log-on page.
05:41At the bottom of the log-on page, there's a box you can click.
05:44And it says, would you like to receive JFK Airport news?
05:49I'm like, who's that for?
05:51Who wants JFK Airport news?
05:54But I accidentally clicked it on the way to logging in.
05:57So now I'm getting JFK Airport news.
06:01But I don't even read the regular news.
06:05So my main source of news is JFK Airport news.
06:11That's not helpful, you know?
06:14New York's a high-level city.
06:16You know about this?
06:20This is a low-level crowd.
06:21This is...
06:24A lot of low-level guys in here.
06:25They're low-level.
06:28No, I'm serious.
06:29I was at a dinner party the other night.
06:31Not to brag.
06:33And I was sat next to one of these guys, right?
06:35High-level guy.
06:38And I was doing pretty good.
06:39You know?
06:40I was keeping up.
06:41If you saw me, you'd be like, this guy's keeping up.
06:45And I was, right?
06:46But at one point, he turns to me and he's like, what do you think about the conflict in Ukraine?
06:53And I was like, how about the renovations at Hudson News?
06:59Like, what do you think about that, you know?
07:05Because if you want to talk, we can talk.
07:09But it does have to be about JFK, you know?
07:11Like, let's be reasonable.
07:15I don't know.
07:16There are conflicts.
07:17I do know about them.
07:18They've got modern technology now.
07:20I've seen it.
07:21They've got tanks.
07:22Oh, my goodness.
07:24How did they come up with that?
07:26Some believe it.
07:27What?
07:27Some of the invention.
07:28A guy, he must have saw a gun.
07:30He'd be like, yeah, I'd like to drive that.
07:38Well, it's good to be here in America, USA.
07:40What a pli-
07:41Whoa.
07:44She loves it.
07:46It's great.
07:47It's great to be here.
07:48It's hard to come here, you know?
07:50It takes a lot to come here.
07:51You've got to get a visa.
07:53Anyone here got a visa?
07:55You don't have a visa?
07:56What are you on?
07:58E3 visa.
08:00This is a rare visa.
08:03This is an Australians-only visa.
08:06It was a gift from America to Australia
08:09because we helped out in the Iraq war.
08:12So for us, it was not a pointless war.
08:18We got a visa out of it, you know?
08:21Get them, boys.
08:24And we did get them.
08:26We got them.
08:27Visa secured.
08:30I'm not on that visa.
08:32I didn't support the war.
08:33She loves it.
08:34She really likes it.
08:38I'm on a visa.
08:39It's called the O-1 visa.
08:41That's Alien of Extraordinary Ability.
08:45This is it.
08:49What I'm doing right now, no American could do.
08:52This is Australian excellence.
08:57It's a hard process to get the visa.
08:59It's very difficult, you know?
09:01It took me one year.
09:02It cost me $10,000.
09:05Australian dollars.
09:06So 20 USD.
09:08It was a lot for me.
09:11And at the end of it, they make you do a 100-part questionnaire.
09:15And it's psycho.
09:17It's a psycho questionnaire.
09:19I never...
09:19Question one, it lures you in.
09:21Question one, what's your name?
09:24At that point, I'm pretty confident.
09:26You know, I think I got this.
09:29Questions 90 to 100, they go crazy.
09:31Question 90, have you ever been involved in a terrorist organization?
09:36Question 95, have you been a government official in charge during a genocide?
09:43And then question 100, the last question they ask you before you enter America is,
09:48have you ever employed a child soldier?
09:52Now, I'm reading these questions, and I'm like,
09:56I guess everyone has to fill out forms.
09:59You know, like, there's some guy out there answering yes to these.
10:04Who is that?
10:06It's just like a warlord.
10:08He's sitting with his child soldier.
10:12He's like, I'm sorry, kid.
10:13I don't think we're going to Broadway.
10:18I don't know if you'll get to see Nicole Schlesinger in Cats.
10:23I don't know if she's in Cats.
10:30It's good to be here in New York.
10:31What a place.
10:33I went to the Natural History Museum.
10:35Yeah, I took my friend who's a vegan, and they had an exhibition.
10:41It was on carnivorous plants.
10:43I'm like, these guys are the opposite, you know?
10:48Who's going to get who?
10:49But it's...
10:52Things are on a different scale in America, you know?
10:54You guys do things on a big scale.
10:57It's like, for example, your most famous statue is called the Statue of Liberty.
11:04It represents all your freedom, all in one statue.
11:08You've got the Washington Monument.
11:11That represents something also.
11:17In Australia, our most famous statue, it's called the Big Banana.
11:22It represents a regular banana, but we wanted to see how big we can get it.
11:29Turns out pretty bloody big.
11:34But it's good to be out here.
11:36What a place, huh?
11:38You do have to be brave to live in New York.
11:41Only some of the bravest guys live here.
11:44There's a lot of bravery.
11:45I saw a guy jumping over the turnstiles at the subway.
11:49What?
11:51That's unbelievable.
11:53I could never do that.
11:54I crawl under.
11:57You've got to be brave to live here, you know?
11:59Because you can get tricked.
12:01I'm getting tricked.
12:03I'm getting tricked.
12:05I'm serious.
12:06They're tricking me a lot.
12:07You know these guys, they sell the charities at you?
12:09They've got the vests on.
12:10You know, they've got the clipboard.
12:12They're good.
12:15They're unbelievable, you know?
12:16They're always tricking me.
12:17They've got little riddles, you know?
12:20They've got traps and stuff.
12:21If you get any of them wrong, you have to solve world hunger.
12:26The first trap they have is they say,
12:28I love your shirt.
12:30It took me two or three times to realize
12:33they did not love my shirt.
12:35This is not a coincidence, you know?
12:38What I learned is you're meant to say,
12:39thank you so much, and you keep walking, right?
12:42You've got to ignore these guys.
12:43But then they've got a second riddle.
12:46And they say, do you know the only state
12:48that ends with the letter K?
12:51That's very hard not to stop for.
12:54That's very intriguing.
12:56I'm like, I don't know, Kentucky?
13:01And they say, no.
13:03It's New York.
13:06Isn't that charming?
13:08Isn't that nice?
13:10That's where we are right now.
13:12The answer was beneath our feet.
13:15This is unbelievable.
13:18But you get it wrong,
13:19and I have to give them all my credit cards.
13:22But I've adapted, you know?
13:24You've got to adapt to the city.
13:25I'm adapting.
13:26I know what you're supposed to do.
13:28The other day, they tried to get me.
13:29They work in twos, you know?
13:30I'm walking on the street.
13:32One of them comes up to me.
13:33He's like, I like your shirt.
13:34I say, thank you.
13:35And I keep going.
13:36And the other guy, he goes,
13:38well, do you know the only state?
13:39And I say, New York.
13:42He perishes.
13:43He's dead.
13:44He's just keep going, you know?
13:49You've got to be brave.
13:50People are brave here.
13:51People are obsessed with crimes in New York.
13:54They love it.
13:55They love...
13:56I know they're obsessed,
13:57because you guys got an app called Citizen.
14:01Yeah, get it, girl.
14:06It's unbelievable, you know?
14:08This app, it's...
14:09If you don't know what it is,
14:10it shows you a map of New York City,
14:12and it shows you every single crime
14:14going on at that exact moment.
14:17There's a second map on there.
14:18It shows you every registered sex offender
14:20that lives near you.
14:22It's unbelievable.
14:22People are obsessed with this app.
14:24There's a premium function.
14:26You can pay money to it, you know?
14:28I think you match with them.
14:29I, um...
14:31I don't know.
14:32I don't know.
14:32I don't know.
14:33Sorry.
14:36It's good to be...
14:37It's a busy, busy city.
14:38Can we all admit that?
14:40Very busy, this city.
14:42Very busy.
14:43Some people, they even call it...
14:44They call it the city that...
14:46It's very busy.
14:48It's...
14:49It's busier.
14:50Yeah, some people are so busy,
14:51they're eating overnight oats.
14:54Have you heard about this?
14:56They don't have time in the morning
14:58to make oatmeal.
14:59They've got to make it the night before.
15:02That's too busy.
15:05Oatmeal is not traditionally
15:06a 24-hour dish, you know?
15:09We never had to plan
15:10for oatmeal before.
15:12For hundreds of years,
15:14we've been making oatmeal
15:14when we feel like it.
15:17It's too busy.
15:19Since moving here,
15:20I've become too busy
15:21for overnight oats.
15:23When I go to sleep,
15:24I put the oats in my mouth, you know?
15:27I wake up and I swallow it.
15:28I'm like,
15:29let's go.
15:34But you have to eat oats, you do.
15:37That's what they say.
15:38It's a super food.
15:40You know about this?
15:43The food system's all messed up.
15:46I swear.
15:47They got their microplastics now.
15:50You heard about this?
15:50One of my friends,
15:51he was telling me,
15:52allegedly,
15:53the average person
15:54eats one credit card a week.
15:59That's too much.
16:02I don't,
16:03I take one bite,
16:04I'm like,
16:04that's enough, you know?
16:08But you got to eat healthy,
16:09you know?
16:09You do have to eat healthy.
16:12I've been having smoothies.
16:15You guys don't do smoothies?
16:18I'm doing smoothies.
16:19You got to do smoothies now.
16:21I don't know what to put
16:21in the smoothies.
16:23I don't know who to trust.
16:24I got like,
16:24I just got everything in there.
16:26Anyone,
16:28anything anyone says
16:29you got to put in a smoothie,
16:30I'll put it in there,
16:31you know?
16:32I don't know who to trust,
16:33left wing,
16:34right wing.
16:35They all have great ideas
16:37on smoothies.
16:39I've got elk meat
16:40and AstraZeneca,
16:41you know?
16:43I'm having diarrhea
16:44and autism.
16:45I'm having diarrhea
16:48and autism.
16:51No,
16:51it's crazy
16:53to be out here.
16:56It's a beautiful place,
16:58America.
16:59Because you guys have
17:00diversity here.
17:02Not in this room,
17:04but generally there is
17:07diversity,
17:07you know?
17:08It's beautiful.
17:09We got diversity in Australia,
17:11but we got different guys
17:13to you.
17:15You guys got different guys here.
17:17And I think that's nice.
17:19I think that's good.
17:21It's good to see new guys.
17:23I've been seeing new,
17:24I saw a Korean man
17:26yelling at a Hasidic Jew
17:28in Spanish.
17:31Isn't that beautiful?
17:34Isn't that what we've been
17:35working towards?
17:37That's gorgeous.
17:38That's nice.
17:39It's because you have
17:40Latin culture.
17:41Latin culture is infused
17:42into American society.
17:44It's beautiful,
17:45you know?
17:45We don't really have
17:46Latin culture in Australia.
17:48We got a couple of guys.
17:52They're called
17:53Guzman and Gomez.
17:57They're kind of entrepreneurs.
17:59It's a part of American society.
18:01I've been embracing it a lot.
18:03I went to a Mexican restaurant.
18:06It's called Chipotle.
18:10Very beautiful culture.
18:12I went to a Mexican restaurant
18:14one time in Los Angeles
18:16and it was a beautiful restaurant.
18:17Very long line.
18:18I was lining up.
18:19I was lining up behind
18:20this middle-aged man
18:22and he was with his mother
18:23and they were speaking
18:24Spanish to each other.
18:26That's traditional.
18:29At one point,
18:30he leaves a line
18:31to go get his mother a menu
18:32but he also got me a menu.
18:36Isn't that gorgeous?
18:37That's really nice.
18:39That's really...
18:40So I look him in the eyes
18:41and I say,
18:43gracias.
18:46He looks at me.
18:47He says,
18:47I speak English.
18:49You don't need to practice
18:50your Spanish on me.
18:52And that's a learning moment
18:54for me, you know.
18:55I'm humbled.
18:56I'm not from around here.
18:58All I can do,
18:58I bow my head
18:59and I say,
19:01lo siento.
19:17Lo siento.
19:21But my life's not going well.
19:23I, um...
19:26I'm serious.
19:27I realised my life
19:28wasn't going well
19:28cos Spotify recommended me
19:30a playlist called
19:31Sad Girl Vibes.
19:35That's not good, man.
19:37The world's gone nasty.
19:39The internet's gone nasty.
19:41Don't you think?
19:42Internet's very nasty now.
19:43I was on gmail.com.
19:47Very nasty stuff
19:48they got going on.
19:49They got a new notification.
19:51It says,
19:52you sent this email
19:53four days ago.
19:54They haven't replied.
19:57It's like,
19:57you don't need to tell me that.
19:59I've been thinking about that
20:00for four days,
20:02you know.
20:04It's nasty,
20:05you know.
20:05They have a thing now.
20:06It's called AI.
20:09I heard they're introducing it
20:11at JFK Airport.
20:12It's...
20:18I heard it's going to affect
20:20the future of jobs.
20:21That's what it's saying.
20:22It's saying the job...
20:23The article I was reading,
20:25it was saying
20:25the jobs that are most secure,
20:27they're the ones you can define
20:28just by reading the job title.
20:30Like, just by reading the job title,
20:31you need to know
20:32what the job's about.
20:33Job's like a soccer player.
20:36That's really good,
20:37you know.
20:39Nurse.
20:40That's a doing word.
20:44Yeah, yeah.
20:47Not to brag,
20:48but stand-up comedy,
20:49that's very secure.
20:51Comedy,
20:52make people laugh.
20:53It even tells you
20:54what position to do it in,
20:55you know,
20:56like,
20:57upright.
20:59But I get worried
21:00because I have a family friend
21:01and he's a management consultant.
21:04I can't even begin to know
21:05what that is,
21:06you know.
21:07I don't even know
21:08what management is.
21:09I guess you manage,
21:10but so does everyone,
21:12you know.
21:14Even people who are struggling.
21:16You say,
21:17do you need help?
21:18They say,
21:18I'll manage,
21:19you know.
21:21I'm worried about him
21:22on multiple levels
21:23because even family friends.
21:29That's someone
21:30who's neither family
21:30nor a friend,
21:31you know.
21:32That's a guy
21:33you have to hang out with
21:34because of your dad.
21:40But my life's not going well.
21:42I'm serious.
21:43I clogged my drain
21:44the other day.
21:47I did.
21:48I clogged it right up.
21:49I had to get a bottle of Drano.
21:51This guy,
21:51he shows me around the store
21:52for like 10 minutes.
21:54At the end of it,
21:55he's like,
21:55this is unbelievable.
21:56I have no idea
21:57where they're putting it.
22:00I was like,
22:00I thought you were them,
22:02you know,
22:02like.
22:03But I go home,
22:04I take the Drano home.
22:06This drain is clogged up.
22:09It's really bad.
22:10I had to pour
22:10the whole bottle of Drano
22:11down there
22:12to get it unclogged.
22:13I thought that's
22:13what you're supposed to do.
22:15I told my friend this.
22:16He said,
22:17that's disgusting.
22:18It's like,
22:19do you know how bad
22:20that is for the dolphins?
22:22And to be honest,
22:23like,
22:23I didn't even consider
22:24the dolphins,
22:25you know.
22:26I didn't know
22:27that it got to them.
22:28That's so far away.
22:31I'm on the seventh floor.
22:34But when he told me that,
22:35I felt horrible,
22:37you know.
22:37I was disgusted with myself.
22:39I had to make
22:40a peace offering.
22:41I poured a can of tuna
22:42down there.
22:45Please have that,
22:46you know,
22:46please.
22:47It wouldn't really go down
22:48so I had to put
22:49a little bit of Drano
22:50to ease it through,
22:53you know.
22:54We've got to get it
22:55to the dolphins.
23:00Other stuff's going well.
23:01I got a dishwasher.
23:03Yeah,
23:03thank you.
23:07That's the biggest
23:08clap of the show.
23:12I got a dishwasher.
23:13It's been going
23:14pretty good.
23:15I used to rinse
23:16the dishes
23:17before I put them in.
23:18But I heard that
23:19you're not supposed
23:20to do that,
23:21you know.
23:21I heard that
23:21if you rinse them
23:22before you put them in,
23:23it's actually really bad
23:25for the dishwasher's
23:26self-confidence.
23:28It needs to be built
23:29on trust,
23:29you know.
23:32I don't risk it anymore.
23:33I go dining now.
23:35I'm eating out.
23:36You guys dine?
23:39Hell yeah.
23:42You guys dine?
23:43Wow.
23:44Table for two?
23:47Pretty good.
23:49Pretty good.
23:50I've been doing
23:50Table for One.
23:52Nothing wrong with that.
23:54It's not illegal yet.
23:55They're probably
23:56going to try to make it.
23:57But Table for One,
23:59you can book online.
24:02Resi.com?
24:05What is this,
24:05an open table crowd?
24:18I'm booking online.
24:19I am Table for One.
24:22They always ask you
24:22if it's an occasion.
24:24I always put something,
24:26you know,
24:27because it's funny.
24:28On the page,
24:29it looks funny.
24:31Table for One,
24:31there's an occasion.
24:33Are you kidding me?
24:36That's unbelievable.
24:39You get there,
24:40it's not funny.
24:43They're very sad for you,
24:45you know.
24:48Happy anniversary.
24:49You know,
24:50like,
24:56but I mean,
24:57yeah,
24:57I've been dining out
24:58too much,
24:59probably.
24:59I've been dining out
25:00a lot.
25:01My body is falling apart.
25:03It's falling apart.
25:04I had a tooth
25:05that was decaying so bad.
25:06I went to the dentist
25:07and she's like,
25:08yeah,
25:09we're going to have to
25:09put a crown on it.
25:11I was like,
25:11why are you putting
25:12a crown on that one?
25:13That's the worst tooth.
25:16You've got to put it
25:16on the canines.
25:18I love those dogs.
25:22But she's like,
25:23no,
25:23it's urgent.
25:23We're going to have
25:24to do it now.
25:25And she did the root canal,
25:26put the crown on
25:27and she's like,
25:28I'm sorry,
25:29I'm sorry,
25:30but you're going to
25:31have to hold off
25:31from flossing that area
25:33for about two weeks.
25:35And I was like,
25:36I've been holding off
25:36for a lot longer than that.
25:38You know,
25:39on your word,
25:39doc.
25:40Yeah.
25:43My body's falling apart.
25:45I got a fungal infection
25:46on my toe,
25:47you know.
25:47Sorry to have to tell you that,
25:49but that is what's going on
25:51in my life.
25:52And I went to the doctors
25:53and he said,
25:54you know,
25:54in the past,
25:56traditionally,
25:57like how people
25:57would prevent infection,
25:58they used to urinate
25:59on the feet.
26:01I was like,
26:02I'm going to need
26:03a second opinion on that
26:05before you do it.
26:06Like,
26:06you know,
26:06like.
26:09But I need to get into shape.
26:11I do.
26:11I'm a family man now.
26:13I got a sister.
26:17I got a sister.
26:18I'm trying to get into shape.
26:19I'm getting inspired.
26:20I watch my friend
26:21do the triathlon.
26:24That's running,
26:25swimming,
26:25and cycling.
26:26I don't think
26:27I've done those activities
26:28in the same calendar year,
26:30you know.
26:31It's very inspiring.
26:33I've got to get inspired
26:34to work out.
26:35I've been watching sports.
26:36You seen this?
26:39They're fit,
26:40these guys.
26:41I've been watching soccer.
26:43I watched the game
26:44just today,
26:45you know.
26:46At halftime,
26:47they got the commentators
26:48to come on,
26:49talk about the first half
26:50of the match.
26:51And one of them,
26:51he was talking about a player.
26:53He said,
26:53this is the most creative player
26:55we've ever seen.
26:56He's like a book
26:57with hundreds of pages
26:59and every page is different.
27:02I'm like,
27:03that's every book.
27:06If your book has the same pages,
27:09I'd say your book is broken,
27:10you know.
27:11You need to get a new book.
27:14But I'm doing it now.
27:15I'm working out.
27:16I go and I work out.
27:17I go to a gym.
27:19I go to one of these gyms.
27:20Everyone's looking gorgeous,
27:22you know.
27:22You know,
27:23these,
27:23some gyms,
27:24people don't look good.
27:26The gym I'm at,
27:27everyone's gorgeous.
27:28But they work out
27:29with an intensity
27:30in their eyes
27:31that suggests that
27:32they don't believe
27:33they look good.
27:35That's a real tragedy.
27:37It breaks my heart,
27:39you know.
27:40I have to remind people,
27:42you know.
27:42I announce it
27:43in the change room.
27:45I'm like,
27:46fellas,
27:46you're looking good.
27:48You're looking nice.
27:50The lady's got no two.
27:51I don't go,
27:51I yell it into the change room.
27:54There's no laws against that.
27:56But, um,
27:59not yet.
28:05But, I don't know.
28:06It's good to be out here,
28:07you know.
28:09I'm married now.
28:11Yeah.
28:14What a beautiful institution.
28:17I went to Thailand
28:18for the honeymoon.
28:21Yep.
28:23We love Thailand.
28:24I told my dad this.
28:26I texted him.
28:26I said,
28:27I said,
28:27we're going to Thailand
28:29for the honeymoon.
28:30He doesn't text back.
28:31He calls back immediately.
28:32He's like,
28:33don't go to Thailand.
28:34They're harvesting
28:35the organs
28:36of Taiwanese nationals.
28:39And immediately,
28:40I know what's going on,
28:41right?
28:42Because my dad,
28:43he's on an app
28:43called WeChat.
28:45And what this is,
28:46it's a Chinese messaging app
28:48where all my family
28:49have a group chat
28:50with one another.
28:51And they share
28:51conspiracy theories,
28:54often in the form
28:54of a JPEG.
28:58And the one of that day
28:59was about harvesting
29:00Taiwanese organs.
29:02I pushed back.
29:03I'm like,
29:03Dad,
29:04I'm not Taiwanese.
29:05He knows that,
29:07you know.
29:08We've known each other
29:09quite some time.
29:11But he's adamant.
29:12He keeps pushing,
29:13right?
29:13And I want to convince him
29:15once and for all
29:15that these are
29:16conspiracy theories,
29:17like anyone can do them.
29:18I'm pretty good
29:19at Photoshop.
29:21So what I did was
29:22I got a picture
29:22of the Australian
29:23Prime Minister
29:25and I put a caption on it.
29:26I said that
29:27they're beheading
29:28Chinese people
29:28in Hornsby.
29:31That's where he lives.
29:32And I post that
29:34in the group chat.
29:35Ten minutes later,
29:36the group chat's
29:37going crazy.
29:39My uncle calls me.
29:40He's like,
29:40we're locking down.
29:41You know?
29:44I defied
29:45my father's orders.
29:46I went to Thailand anyway.
29:48Beautiful country.
29:49It's one of the
29:50great massage cultures.
29:53You've got Thailand,
29:55Sweden,
29:57and there's others.
30:02But they have
30:04these massage places
30:06that are run
30:06entirely by
30:07female ex-prisoners.
30:09It's beautiful
30:10because a lot of society,
30:11they write these women off,
30:13right?
30:13Some of them
30:14have petty crime charges.
30:15Some of them
30:16even have assault charges.
30:18But these places,
30:19they see these women
30:20and they said,
30:21what you did,
30:23could you focus that
30:24on the neck
30:24and the shoulders?
30:25It's like...
30:31My dad's a great guy.
30:33He's a good guy.
30:33He helped me invent
30:34my signature,
30:35you know?
30:36He sat me down.
30:37I was eight years old.
30:38He's like,
30:38you're a man now.
30:39And I remember
30:40it was such a tender moment.
30:41He helped me
30:42do every, like,
30:43jag and every curve
30:44with the signature beautiful.
30:46Immediately after,
30:47he helped me
30:48commit my first tax fraud.
30:50He, like,
30:51signed here where it says,
30:52you work for me.
30:53And I didn't work for him.
30:55So I was reluctant,
30:57you know?
30:57But he had to take me
30:58to his accountant
30:59to try to strong-arm me.
31:01And she's a Chinese woman
31:03and she was really flexing on me.
31:06And how you do this
31:07in Chinese culture
31:08is you bring up
31:09a lot of stories from history,
31:11show off your knowledge,
31:12like,
31:13you've got to know
31:13a lot of idioms,
31:14stuff like that.
31:15And she sits me down
31:16and she's like,
31:17do you know Michelangelo?
31:19And I was like,
31:20yeah.
31:21I thought it was a turtle.
31:27But she says,
31:28when he finished
31:29building the statue of David
31:30and I was like,
31:31there's another one.
31:36But when he finished,
31:37someone came up to him
31:39and they said,
31:40was it hard?
31:41And he said,
31:42no, it was easy.
31:43I just took away
31:44from the marble
31:45everything that wasn't David.
31:48And I was like,
31:49what's that got to do
31:50with my tax return,
31:51you know?
31:52And she said,
31:53well, the block of marble,
31:54that's your income.
31:56David,
31:57that's your tax return.
32:00And I didn't know
32:00what that meant.
32:02But I thought
32:03we were both going to jail
32:04for sure.
32:07It is good being married.
32:09It's a beautiful thing
32:10to be married.
32:11My wife,
32:12she moved from Australia
32:14to America with me.
32:15She quit her corporate job
32:16in Australia.
32:17And now she's
32:18at culinary school.
32:22After that,
32:23we'll send her
32:23to cleaning school.
32:32Sorry for saying that.
32:36But a lot of you
32:37did like it,
32:38so...
32:40I wanted to cut that
32:42out of the special,
32:43but you liked it too much.
32:47She goes to a culinary school
32:49in Manhattan.
32:49It's called
32:50the Institute
32:51of Culinary Education.
32:53That's ICE.
32:56It's an unbelievable time
32:57to be going to a school
32:58called ICE.
33:00They like the name.
33:01They think it's good.
33:02It's on big letters
33:03on her backpack, ICE.
33:06She catches a subway
33:07like that.
33:08I'm like,
33:09I'm going to get
33:10a different one.
33:13If you want to go
33:14to culinary school
33:15in New York,
33:16the two options
33:17that you have
33:17is ICE
33:18or the Culinary
33:19Institute of America.
33:22CIA.
33:24This is unbelievable.
33:26She's going to have
33:27to do a postgrad abroad.
33:29She's going to Al-Qaeda.
33:31It's a beautiful school.
33:35But it's good
33:36to be married.
33:37We're having
33:37a couple of arguments.
33:39That's healthy.
33:40That's beautiful.
33:43Our main source
33:44of argument
33:44at the moment
33:45is how we sort
33:45the laundry,
33:46you know,
33:47how we organise
33:47the clothes.
33:48Because I'm quite
33:49the simple guy.
33:50Like, simpleton,
33:51that kind of thing,
33:52you know.
33:53Our very simple system
33:54of organising my laundry,
33:56it follows the human form.
33:58It goes top shelf tops,
34:00bottom shelf bottoms,
34:02middle shelf,
34:03obviously belts.
34:06But she has a much
34:07more complex system,
34:08you know.
34:08She's very intelligent.
34:10She tries to trick me.
34:11And she doesn't just
34:13have three categories,
34:14she's got subcategories.
34:16And some of the categories
34:17are subjective,
34:18you know.
34:19She's got a category
34:19called cute little tops.
34:23I'm like,
34:24how am I supposed
34:24to do that?
34:25You know?
34:26We're having big fights.
34:27I'm like,
34:27honey,
34:27I don't think
34:28that top's that cute.
34:30LAUGHTER
34:34But it's taking me
34:35a long time
34:35to sort the laundry,
34:37you know.
34:37So I've been reading
34:38the tags.
34:40There's stuff in,
34:41there's content,
34:42you know.
34:42I didn't know there was
34:43content.
34:44Everywhere you look,
34:45you can find content.
34:47That's really good.
34:48There's content
34:49on the tag.
34:49I was reading
34:50one of the shirts
34:51and one of the tags,
34:52it said,
34:52that I'm made
34:53of 100%
34:55recycled plastic bottles.
34:57I was shocked.
34:57I took the shirt up to her.
34:58I said,
34:59we're doing pretty well.
35:01I can get you
35:02something better,
35:03you know.
35:04Made of anything
35:05you want.
35:06Even new bottles.
35:07Like,
35:08we can,
35:09we can do that.
35:11But that's not to say
35:12that I don't have
35:13crazy clothes of my own.
35:14I got a set of pyjamas.
35:16That's tops and bottoms.
35:19Where's that going?
35:20You know?
35:22Can't go with
35:22the belts.
35:24But the pyjama,
35:25the top,
35:26it's a button-down top,
35:27right?
35:27And that's more formal
35:29than I wear day-to-day.
35:31I imagine an outside
35:33observer looking in,
35:34they'd see me
35:34take off my T-shirt
35:36and putting on
35:37a button-down.
35:39They'd be like,
35:39this guy is serious
35:40about sleep.
35:42You know,
35:42I'm like,
35:43let's hit those KPIs.
35:46But since we moved
35:47in together,
35:47we have new stuff.
35:49There's new stuff
35:50in the house.
35:51It's unbelievable.
35:52The bathroom
35:53has more things.
35:56Before I got married,
35:57I had three liquids.
35:59You had the hand wash,
36:02toothpaste,
36:03and then three-in-one.
36:05And that would cover
36:07all realms of the body.
36:09But now we've got
36:10a lot of liquids.
36:11There's new sources.
36:13We've got a skin care
36:15regime now.
36:16And it is a regime.
36:17Very oppressive.
36:19It's...
36:22It's daily.
36:23It's this new...
36:24There's new liquids
36:25that I never heard of before.
36:27She's...
36:27The other day,
36:28she said to me,
36:29can you pass the toner?
36:31And I was like,
36:31we don't have a printer.
36:32You know, like...
36:41But it's good, you know,
36:43it's...
36:44You've got to put
36:45the effort in.
36:49That's really my advice.
36:50You do.
36:50I've been putting
36:51the effort in.
36:52I did the love language test.
36:55It's so important.
36:57It's one of the most
36:58important things
36:59you can do.
37:00And I did it.
37:02I did the love language test.
37:04It turns out
37:04my love language
37:05is not gift-giving.
37:06And it was my wife's
37:07birthday the other week.
37:10So what I did
37:11was I put my hand
37:11on her shoulder
37:13and I said,
37:14good on you.
37:16That's words of affirmation
37:19and touch, you know.
37:20Kind of...
37:21Got her two things.
37:24Really spoiled her.
37:27Quality time, too.
37:28Two hours straight.
37:28We did it.
37:30It's good on you.
37:31Good on you, you know.
37:33She does like quality time.
37:35She loves it.
37:36She loves going
37:36to cultural events.
37:38Isn't that good?
37:41We went to the opera together.
37:43We went...
37:44I struggled,
37:45I must admit.
37:48She's like,
37:48why are you closing your eyes?
37:49I'm like...
37:50I'm really into it.
37:55I think you were snoring.
37:57I was like,
37:57I was singing along.
37:58I...
38:01I love that bit.
38:02I...
38:06But you learn a lot
38:07from being married.
38:08You do.
38:09I have been learning a lot.
38:10Before I got married,
38:11I had the same pillow
38:13for ten years.
38:15I didn't know you weren't allowed.
38:18I thought that was good.
38:20Like, cost per use.
38:21That kind of thing, you know.
38:22By the time I was finished with it,
38:23it was wafer thin.
38:26It was a memory foam pillow, you know.
38:29Ran out of storage space.
38:30I guess we're...
38:33Well, I got married.
38:34I found out that you're not allowed
38:35to have one pillow for ten years.
38:37It's disgusting.
38:39It's against God.
38:41You have to have four pillows all the time.
38:44Two of the pillows you use,
38:46and two of the pillows you put on the floor
38:48straight away,
38:51every single night.
38:52You never use them, right?
38:54Your neck couldn't sustain that angle
38:56for the duration of the night.
38:59These are decorative pillows.
39:01What are they decorating?
39:03The other pillows.
39:06It's unbelievable.
39:07They're high-quality pillows, too.
39:09In my household,
39:11these pillows,
39:12they're the same as the main pillows.
39:14That's a lot of potential
39:15going wasted on the floor every night.
39:18They're like,
39:18put me on, coach.
39:20I could change this.
39:22They're waiting for the main pillows
39:23to get drooled out.
39:25And I am drooling.
39:27I hate to admit it,
39:28but I have to wear a mouth guard
39:30to go to sleep.
39:32Anyone do that?
39:34That's humiliating.
39:36It's horrible to admit.
39:42Back in the day,
39:43mouth guards,
39:44they were reserved for professional boxers,
39:47NFL players.
39:49But nowadays,
39:50my life's gotten so stressful
39:52that the act of going to sleep
39:54is the same as blunt force head trauma.
40:00It's humiliating wearing this thing,
40:01and so many oats get stuck in it.
40:04It's...
40:09but it's good.
40:11But it's good.
40:11We've been traveling.
40:12We travel...
40:13We went to Mexico.
40:17What a beautiful place.
40:19Mexico City.
40:23There's a few attempted claps tonight.
40:30We went to Mexico City.
40:31We went to watch the Lucha Libre.
40:34You know about this.
40:35You don't have to start.
40:39We saw the Lucha Libre.
40:40These guys,
40:41the Luchas,
40:42they wear the masks.
40:43You know,
40:43these guys,
40:44they wear the masks.
40:46If you don't know the Lucha...
40:47the most famous Lucha is called Jack Black.
40:53And we went to watch the Lucha Libre.
40:55The first match we watched,
40:56it was between a Lucha,
40:58the guy wearing the mask,
40:59and he was fighting a caveman.
41:02And everyone was booing the caveman.
41:05I didn't know what was going on,
41:06so I had to ask someone,
41:07I was like,
41:07what's happening?
41:07And he said that,
41:09they like the Lucha more,
41:10because the Lucha's more traditional.
41:12But I would have thought
41:13that the caveman's more traditional.
41:16You know,
41:16that's one of the original guys.
41:19But if you thought that I was confused,
41:21my wife didn't know that wrestling was fake.
41:25So she thought that this was a real fight,
41:28and they were still choosing to backflip.
41:30You know,
41:30like they,
41:32they thought that was a good use of their time.
41:36Her mind was,
41:36she took like a hundred Instagram stories on the night,
41:39all with the captions like,
41:40wow,
41:41like,
41:42OMG,
41:42like it was the best night of both of our lives.
41:45It was unbelievable.
41:46At one point in the fight,
41:47a little person came into the ring,
41:50and he threw the referee out of the ring.
41:53And at that point,
41:54I thought,
41:55the jig is up.
41:58The jig was not up.
42:00She turns to me,
42:01she's like,
42:01is that allowed?
42:05I'm like,
42:05I don't know,
42:06it's a real perversion of justice.
42:08You know?
42:10We were walking home from the night,
42:13from the event,
42:13and we were both feeling very good.
42:15We were on cloud nine.
42:17But as we were walking,
42:18the pieces start to fall into place,
42:20and she started to get messages from back home,
42:22from her friends.
42:23They're like,
42:23you do know that wrestling isn't real?
42:27And she was furious at me.
42:29She was like,
42:30why didn't you tell me that wrestling was fake?
42:32And I was like,
42:33I wouldn't know where to begin.
42:36Like,
42:37do you know that cavemen aren't around?
42:38Like,
42:38we,
42:42we don't have that anymore.
42:43I don't have that anymore.
42:46Dude,
42:46this is a beautiful crowd.
42:48What a beautiful crowd.
42:49This is amazing.
42:50What a night,
42:51huh?
42:52Any of you come to this show
42:54because you know me from Fisk?
42:57A few Fisk's heads.
42:58If you don't know what Fisk is,
43:00it's kind of a legal comedy.
43:02It's created by the Australian government,
43:05and I think it's a psy-op.
43:10No,
43:10it's,
43:11it changed my life
43:13because before I did Fisk,
43:14I was,
43:15I was just doing stand-up comedy,
43:17you know,
43:17and I always look like this.
43:20This is all I had to offer.
43:22And I would go on YouTube and Instagram
43:25to see the demographics,
43:26like who was,
43:27who was watching this stuff.
43:28And it was always 90% male,
43:3125 to 34.
43:33Anyone fit that demographic?
43:35Woo-hoo!
43:37This is not a good demographic.
43:39It's a lot of incels.
43:44These guys,
43:45they don't come out to the show.
43:46They're busy planning something.
43:49I don't know what I am.
43:52But it was a very dark path I was going down.
43:54It couldn't continue that way.
43:56But then God intervened.
43:59He sent the prophet,
44:00Kitty Flanagan.
44:02And she cast me in this show, Fisk,
44:04Overnight,
44:05the demographic changed.
44:06Women,
44:0745 to 54.
44:11What a beautiful sound.
44:13This is...
44:15Overnight,
44:16these angels descended into my shows.
44:18These beautiful white angels.
44:24They love coming to the shows.
44:27But that's why I had to leave Australia.
44:29I had to get away from all these mamas.
44:31But I...
44:32All right, that's my time.
44:33Thank you very much, New York.
44:50governance okay now.
45:04Thank you!
45:04Thank you, New York.
Comments