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Short filmTranscript
00:10And this is a recurring dream that you're having?
00:16Yes.
00:17And in it, the two of you are riding in that convertible in the motorcade in Dallas.
00:24Only you're the one that's injured.
00:27And what are you wearing?
00:28I'm wearing the same thing as Mother wore, the pink tweed suit and the pillbox hat.
00:34She hates wearing hats.
00:36I do.
00:37Okay, well obviously that's what tracks what we're talking about in our sessions.
00:42The idea that you are paying the price for John's fame, for John's ambitions.
00:48It also speaks to an outsized fear of exposure of the real world.
00:54Let's just try not to editorialize, okay?
00:56Well, maybe if I was at home sleeping with her in our bed, she wouldn't be having these nightmares.
01:01You were the one who decided to leave and now you're saying your absence is the problem.
01:04Yeah, so we wouldn't say anything we could never take back.
01:07Yeah, so you go on a walk, John. You don't move out.
01:09I didn't move out.
01:10You left and then you, you, yeah, you didn't come back. So how would you characterize that?
01:14Oh my God.
01:15And if that is your instinct to bolt when things get hard, how can I trust you just won't keep
01:19doing it?
01:20I was the one that made it very clear that divorce was off the table.
01:22So I should just feel comforted that you have unilaterally issued that decree?
01:26It means that the only option in my mind is to make this marriage work.
01:30John, there is a difference between not wanting us to fail and wanting us to succeed.
01:35John views our marriage through the lens of the media.
01:37He's more concerned with the optics of our issues than our actual issues.
01:41We cannot just ignore the fact that we live under a microscope because it's inconvenient.
01:45I cannot be the third person in my marriage, spending the rest of my life competing with everyone else in
01:52the world or his family's legacy or his magazine.
01:58I know that this is going to sound counterintuitive, but just based on everything that I'm hearing, I would advise
02:07a trial separation.
02:12I'm sorry, what?
02:13Your advice for our marriage is divorce?
02:17No, but I think part of the reason that you two aren't finding any clarity is that you're stuck in
02:26this sort of liminal space.
02:29Maybe, if you severed contact for a little while, you would gain a clearer idea of what you're missing or
02:39what your life would actually look like without the other.
02:44Mm-hmm.
02:45Like, for how long?
02:47Yeah, like one, two weeks?
02:49A month, maybe two.
02:53Um, do you have, like, too many clients or how many?
02:56No, no.
02:57I mean, you obviously would see me, you just wouldn't see each other.
03:01I can't not talk to my wife for a month.
03:04Yeah, I don't want to do that either.
03:06I mean, I don't think I could, even if you asked me to.
03:08Yeah.
03:10Well, I mean, you won't come together, you won't let go, and instead you are just white-knuckling this marriage
03:18into a downward spiral.
03:47What happened to one cigarette a day?
03:49We're drinking in a dive bar in the middle of a work day after marriage counseling.
03:54I'd say my discipline is shot for the day.
04:12You know something funny?
04:14When I'm at the Stanhope, reminiscing about our life together, I never replay the bad moments in my head.
04:21All I think about is us at our best.
04:24Laughing.
04:25Always reaching out for each other.
04:29Never enough for us to just be in the same room.
04:31We always have to feel each other to know that we're really there.
04:35And then when we get together, it's all we can do not to rehash every fight we've ever had.
04:39I don't think we're totally to blame.
04:43Our marriage counselor hates us.
04:49Yeah.
04:49I think she's going to become a divorce mediator because of us.
04:54You know what I was thinking about the other day?
04:56Hmm?
04:57That trip we took to Honduras when you got poison ivy everywhere and I had to wrap your hands in
05:04socks to keep you from itching.
05:05There was calamine lotion everywhere.
05:07Yeah, one big pink man.
05:11Very messy.
05:12What about that time we had sex on the rooftop in Paris and you almost got electric it in?
05:17Worth it.
05:27If only we knew that.
05:29What?
05:34How could we end it?
05:46We should get going.
05:47One more drink in this place and we really will be a sob story.
05:53Hey.
05:54Sorry.
05:56It's okay.
05:59Do you mind if I drop by and get that linen blazer?
06:29How about that time?
06:34How about that time?
06:39How about that time?
06:39How about that time?
06:39How about that time?
06:39How about that time?
06:39How about that time?
06:43How about that time?
06:44How about that time?
06:44How about that time?
06:45How about that time?
06:46How about that time?
06:46How about that time?
06:46How about that time?
06:47How about that time?
06:49How about that time?
06:51How about that time?
06:54How about that time?
06:55How about that time?
06:57It has to be our first, outside your apartment.
07:00No, no, that doesn't count.
07:03I mean, it's a couple.
07:05There have been lots.
07:06Yeah.
07:09John's Beach?
07:10Which time?
07:14What about by that fire in that lodge in Montana?
07:20Now I remember what it was.
07:22Fuck.
07:23I'm so late.
07:29Hey, wait.
07:29Give me a kiss.
07:34Bye.
07:35I'll see you later, yeah?
07:37Okay.
07:39Love you.
07:39I love you.
07:40Bye.
07:41Bye.
07:47That's not what I had in mind.
07:48Bye.
07:53Bye.
07:58Bye.
08:00Bye.
08:03Bye.
08:06Bye.
08:08Bye.
08:09Bye.
08:09Bye.
08:09Bye.
08:09Bye.
08:10Bye.
08:11Bye.
08:12Bye.
08:53Here you go, buddy.
09:14Morning.
09:16Hi.
09:17Hi.
09:21Sorry, I didn't want to wake you.
09:23No, it's fine.
09:24I know you haven't been sleeping well.
09:25It's okay.
09:29I have a 9 a.m. breakfast.
09:32Gotcha.
09:36I can cancel it.
09:38No, no, it's fine.
09:39I just, um, I thought maybe we might want to talk about last night.
09:44Yeah?
09:44Yeah.
09:49I mean, do you feel bad?
09:53Uh, no.
09:56I, I don't know.
09:57Do you feel good about what's happening right now?
10:03Why don't we meet for lunch?
10:06You know what?
10:07It's probably best we just talk about it at counseling anyway.
10:12Do you think we'd tell Colleen?
10:14I mean, we kind of did exactly the opposite of what she asked us to.
10:21John, I'm confused.
10:23John, I'm confused.
10:23Are we angling for a gold star here or trying to save our marriage?
10:27I mean, I just don't want her to think that we're any more self-destructive than she already does.
10:35Am I seeing you at the George Gala?
10:37No, John, I, I, I just can't right now.
10:42So then I assume Rory's wedding is off the table?
10:48I love you, but you still don't get it.
10:52It's not as easy for me as it is for you.
10:55What is it?
10:57Pretending like everything's okay.
11:00I can assure you that this is anything but easy for me.
11:04I'll talk to you later.
11:07Yeah.
11:23I don't think I've been back here since she died.
11:27You look terrible.
11:29Wow.
11:30Mom really is here with us.
11:31And you're graying.
11:32Yeah, well, stress will do that to you.
11:42Sit down.
11:47It's a lot.
11:51But you have to ask yourself what's actually within your control.
11:55And what can you save?
11:58She won't forgive me.
11:59For what?
12:00Ruining her life?
12:02Destroying her anonymity?
12:04Failing to protect her?
12:06I mean, I remember sitting here with mom and her telling me that any woman I ended up with would
12:11be under the illusion that we were entering a partnership.
12:13When in reality, I'd just have to orbit me like everybody else.
12:20She was married to the president of the United States.
12:24All she knew was how to orbit a great man.
12:27But you aren't dad and Carolyn isn't the first lady.
12:32John, you dated countless women who were more than willing to let you be the center of the universe and
12:38none of them stuck.
12:39And then you met someone who wasn't willing to contort themselves into whatever they thought you needed.
12:44And you fell in love.
12:47And now those qualities, that fire, that self-possession, aren't serving you anymore and you're crying foul.
12:53I have tried everything in my power to make her happy.
12:58What she's asking of you feels unreasonable because no one has ever asked it of you before.
13:03Your whole life, people have been willing to take whatever pieces of yourself you're willing to give them.
13:08But she isn't.
13:11And she was never going to be someone who would be.
13:19I know you've been made to feel like your life is predestined, but that doesn't mean you are powerless to
13:24change it.
13:28The question is, do you love her enough to do that?
14:00I spoke to John earlier.
14:04He called to ask what you were doing.
14:08Well, what'd you tell him?
14:09I said, pick up the phone and call her yourself.
14:16He did offer to drop me off in the vineyard on his way to Rory's wedding.
14:20That'll butter you up.
14:23Did you say yes?
14:25Well, I'm not going to turn down a ride on a summer Friday.
14:31You should have seen him when I came downstairs this morning.
14:34I was heading off to work like it was any normal day.
14:37Well, did you say, hey, can you cancel your meeting?
14:39We really have to talk.
14:41I shouldn't have to.
14:42It's not my job to edify him.
14:44Well, then you clearly weren't that desperate to communicate either.
14:48No.
14:50You think because of our shit with dad that him leaving is the ultimate betrayal?
14:55But this is also you projecting shit onto John that has nothing to do with him.
15:01If you really wanted to work on this relationship, you would swallow your pride,
15:07jettison this compulsion to be right, and do what's in the best interest of your relationship.
15:13All I've done is compromise for him, Lauren.
15:17It's only compromise if it's by your own volition.
15:19But you can't cling to the past and work towards a future at the same time.
15:31Thank you all for being here.
15:39Carolyn and I could renew our vows in Times Square,
15:42and the press would brand it a charged altercation.
15:45And I don't want to move a thing
15:48It might change my memory
15:56Oh, I am on a page
16:23Excuse me.
16:25You look beautiful.
16:27What made you change your mind?
16:29I know how important it is to you.
16:35And I know I want to try.
16:38I don't want to call my friends
16:42But they might make me from this dream
16:47Oh, I am on a page
16:51I'll do what I want
16:54But I can hide
16:59And I won't go
17:01I won't sleep
17:04And I can't breathe
17:08Until you're resting here
17:11And I can't breathe
17:13Oh, we got lost
17:35I won't yap
17:37And I can't breathe
17:37Or we've got lost
17:38I can't breathe
17:39Oh, man
17:47you're early
17:48well I knew if I was late
17:50and you stormed out
17:51I wouldn't be able to catch you
18:04it's your go-to date spot
18:05what can I say
18:07I'm a sucker for a laminated menu
18:14do you know what I remember
18:15about that first date
18:18that my bike got stolen
18:21that
18:23and
18:28you said you felt like you had a sign
18:29over your head
18:30that read the hunk of flunks
18:32and that that was all people saw
18:33when they looked at you
18:35and I remember asking you what your sign read
18:37and you wouldn't tell me
18:39and you still haven't told me
18:41I don't think I've told anyone
18:48because if you knew what my sign said
18:52please handle with care
18:54not as tough as she looks
18:55then Jig would have been up
18:58there'd be no mystery for you to solve
18:59no defense system to disarm
19:04and therefore no reason to stay
19:08but then I met you
19:11and I fell in love with you
19:12and I didn't want to do that anymore
19:16I wanted to let you in
19:23you made me realize that I'm someone who
19:27who wants to be loved
19:30and nurtured
19:33and taken care of
19:44how do we know we won't hurt each other
19:47we don't
19:49we just know that we want to try
19:52and build a life for ourselves
19:55as partners
19:56I know what does that look like though John
19:58because I don't think our marriage
20:00can withstand any more scrutiny
20:02I know
20:04and part of that means
20:05I have to re-examine my relationship
20:08with everyone and everything
20:09that isn't you
20:11because you come first
20:13but I don't want you to feel
20:14you have to choose
20:16I know you've been burdened
20:17with unfathomable expectations
20:19and I would never fault you
20:20for trying to meet them
20:22Carolyn
20:23you're the one thing in my life
20:25that I know that I'm destined for
20:29I love you
20:34I love you too
20:42you know I was thinking
20:44if you're up for it
20:46you and I could go on a trip
20:50where?
20:51anywhere you want
20:53Paris
20:54Philly
20:55Tahiti
20:58for how long?
21:00until we decide to come home
21:02wherever that might be for us
21:06I'll be back on Sunday
21:07from Rory's wedding
21:08why don't we pull out a world map
21:09and find the most remote island
21:11no one's ever heard of
21:13I forgot about that
21:15um
21:17Rory's wedding
21:17don't even worry about it
21:19Caroline's not even going
21:20no I want to go
21:22you do?
21:27yeah
21:31I miss dancing with you
21:35I miss dancing with you
21:40I miss dancing with you
21:41I miss dancing with you
21:41I miss dancing with you
21:41I miss dancing with you
21:42I miss dancing with you
21:42I miss dancing with you
21:44I miss dancing with you
21:44I miss dancing with you
21:47I miss dancing with you
21:48I miss dancing with you
21:52I miss dancing with you
21:53I miss dancing with you
21:54I miss dancing with you
21:54I miss dancing with you
21:55I miss dancing with you
21:56I miss dancing with you
21:57I miss dancing with you
21:58I miss dancing with you
21:58I miss dancing with you
21:58I miss dancing with you
22:00I miss dancing with you
22:03I miss dancing with you
22:09that might have been even better than the first time
22:17i should go
22:21gotta find a dress
22:29what if we're jumping the gun
22:30what do you mean
22:31it's just we're finally getting to a good place
22:34and i don't know if subjecting ourselves to the prying eyes of a massive kennedy wedding
22:39is the move for us right now
22:40it's normal to feel anxious and apprehensive
22:43but you two are going into this weekend with a completely different mindset than in the past
22:48go get your nails done
22:49go from there
22:50okay okay
22:52one step at a time
22:53love you
22:54thanks laura
22:54see you soon
23:03hey this is john kennedy requesting a standard weather briefing for a vfr flight from
23:08essex county to martha's vineyard departing around 6pm
23:10uh-huh
23:14uh-huh
23:16uh-huh
23:34what did she say exactly
23:37she was nervous
23:38i thought we moved past this
23:43neither of you are going to change overnight
23:45and then i want to be so ready
24:08a good enough
24:12i want to have to move
24:14and then i thought we should leave
24:57I'm going to go sit with him for a bit.
24:59Okay.
25:06Permission to enter the cockpit?
25:15Excuse me?
25:18Oh, fuck.
25:36I missed you.
25:42I had a feeling.
26:29I had a feeling.
26:56Everything okay?
26:58Yeah, you should go back to your seat.
27:08I want to stay with you.
27:37It's okay, just breathe.
27:40John, just breathe.
27:47Just breathe.
28:20I want to stay with you.
28:28Can I get the aircraft information?
28:34And the name of the pilot?
28:43I got attention.
28:49That's what I got.
28:50I got it.
28:59Can I help you?
29:00We're sorry to disturb you.
29:02We're from the Custer County Sheriff's Office.
29:04Your family's been trying to reach you on your cell,
29:06but we know there's no service out here.
29:08What is it? What's wrong?
29:09It's your brother, ma'am.
29:11This plane has been reported missing.
29:24Hello?
29:25Hello?
29:30What?
29:32I-I'm sorry.
29:34Can you say that again?
29:38no that's correct that was my understanding well i can wait if you want to check i don't think the
29:43answer is going to change they say they can have a plane ready for us within an hour what do
29:48you
29:48want to tell the kids i don't know just we have to get home have you talked to the highness
29:52airport
29:52no i wasn't able to get through them oh but teddy said they didn't land there either but we know
29:57they took off right yes we got confirmation from essex county airport i'm sure there's an
30:02explanation we begin tonight with breaking news john f kennedy jr's plane has been reported missing
30:09off the coast of massachusetts the piper saratoga allegedly disappeared from radar as it was on
30:16route from new jersey to martha's vineyard at this hour the coast guard is stressing that this remains
30:22a search and rescue mission officials are urging anyone with information to come forward
30:30what has happened to john f kennedy jr and his missing single engine aircraft plane is believed
30:37to have carried not only john f kennedy jr but his wife carolyn beset uh kennedy and her sister lauren
30:43they've taken off from new jersey heading to martha's vineyard in massachusetts for a kennedy
30:48family wedding the plane never arrived
30:57senator kennedy i have the president on the line
31:07mr president
31:17i understand we uh we uh appreciate your efforts sir
31:29thank you for calling
31:44please don't say another word
31:48i beg of you please
31:51please don't say anything
31:57they're reporting
31:58i don't care what they're reporting ed i'm not doing this again
32:01okay
32:03i will not
32:13why don't you come sit down i'm not leaving ed i'm staying right here okay as soon as i go
32:18out there
32:22he was just here
32:29he cannot be gone
32:31he cannot be gone
32:38that doesn't make any sense do you understand me that doesn't make any sense it doesn't make any
32:43fucking sense he's not god he's not he's not
32:57sweetheart i'm so sorry
33:02please don't do this to me i can't do it again
33:09i can't do it again
33:11oh
33:35oh
33:45teddy called again
33:48we have to discuss the funeral arrangements
33:50where would you like to have at st peter's basilica
33:54what do you want me to tell him
34:00don't let him know as soon as i make my decision
34:04uh uh the new york times called as well
34:13he spent his whole life bound to that little boy
34:21desperate to free himself from a tragedy he couldn't even remember
34:30all he wanted was to simply be
34:38all he'll be remembered for is what he could have become
34:54if you're flying using visual navigation alone relying on the lights of the coast the horizon
34:59instead of your flight instruments and you're suddenly flying in the pitch black with haze everywhere
35:04the ocean and sky essentially blend into this black hole and you can experience what's called spatial
35:10disorientation where you basically don't know which way is up so you start course correcting the plane
35:14based on what your impaired brain is telling you instead of reality would they have known they were going down
35:21they would have known if something was wrong obviously but no not necessarily
35:26i spoke to someone over to ntsb and he explained it's like being taken under by a wave water
35:42let me start by offering my deepest condolences where is she
35:49sorry your wife she was supposed to be here where is she i think she just felt uh in light
35:55of the
35:55circumstances it would be better if i helped broker the arrangements for the remains is that right
36:07i assure you she was just trying to be mindful of your feelings oh is that the pretext that her
36:13legal team concocted my feelings because if it is she should fire them oh why don't we uh
36:25president clinton has offered uh that john be buried in arlington national cemetery alongside president
36:33kennedy and jackie next to the eternal flame however if we wanted to keep john and carolyn together
36:41we propose uh holyhood the kennedy family burial plot in brooklyn massachusetts why would my daughter be
36:49buried in a state she has no ties to are you suggesting those are my two choices which you so
36:56kindly laid out for me no no of course not but if you prefer that carolyn be buried with john
37:05the family would insist that he'd be alongside the rest of the deceased kennedy relatives the family would
37:11insist the gall of you to sit there and try and dictate terms i'm i'm simply relaying the wishes of
37:21the kennedy family if the kennedy family feels so strongly about this why did they send you
37:31whatever you decide to do with carolyn's remains you keep saying her name you keep saying carolyn may
37:40i remind you that i had not one but two daughters on board that plane that he crashed
37:50but two daughters on board that day and i had not one but two daughters there i never said i
38:15had not be
39:17Maybe it's the best I call.
39:19I'm not finished, and I will not be dismissed a second time.
39:29Some of the media are saying they crashed because Carolyn was getting her nails done.
39:35Delayed their takeoff.
39:39Not that your brother wasn't equipped to fly at night and took off anyway, but that she held them back.
39:45Her vanity.
39:48Are you aware of that?
39:53I stopped reading the news.
39:54Well, I have nothing left to protect but their legacies.
40:00There are images of your brother beaming around the world on the cover of every newspaper and magazine.
40:08Carolyn's photo is usually on the inside, and Lauren is practically a footnote, but she wasn't famous, so I guess
40:16her face doesn't sell papers.
40:21My faith has allowed me to make sense of the world, helping me understand the big existential questions.
40:33But now, there's just a deafening silence.
40:47I mean, how do you live in a world that doesn't make any sense?
40:53How do you live in a world that doesn't make any sense?
40:54How do you even get out of bed?
41:00As soon as you open your eyes, one second longer and you realize the world you're waking up to is
41:08painfully incomplete.
41:23When I was 18, I was living in London, staying with a family friend who was a member of parliament.
41:32One night, we left his house and a bomb went off.
41:35The IRA had planted one under the front right tire of his car, and the only reason we weren't in
41:40it was because we were running late.
41:46I agonized over that for so many years.
41:52I couldn't understand why so many bad things had happened to people in my family.
41:57But for whatever reason, I was spared that day a bomb went off.
42:02The only thing I really gleaned from that experience was that there is no rhyme or reason as to why
42:09some of us get to stay here a little longer.
42:17All we know is that time doesn't belong to us.
42:23Nothing is promised.
42:32I'm sure you already know this about me by now, but I'm not someone who lets people in very easily.
42:39I don't know if it's because I question their motives or maybe it's because I have this feeling
42:45that the less people I know,
42:49the less people I'll inevitably have to grieve.
42:57I didn't know Lauren very well, unfortunately.
43:04But I knew she was incredibly smart, funny, beautiful, dynamic.
43:14But I did know Carolyn, and I knew she was struggling.
43:22And instead of reaching out to her,
43:29I will regret what I didn't do.
43:33And what I could have done for the rest of my life.
43:41She said she didn't recognize who she had become.
43:50And now that person will be immortalized forever.
43:59I only wish
44:01she had lived long enough to be remembered for something else.
44:18I've heard people say sorry for your loss so many times over the course of my life.
44:26It just starts to sound like white noise.
44:29It's like when people say, God bless you.
44:33But now I'm sitting here across from you.
44:40And all I want to say is how sorry I am.
44:46But I also know that it's not enough.
44:51And it will never be enough.
45:16I'm remembering a conversation I had with John a while back where he said he wanted to be cremated
45:23with his ashes spread across the sea.
45:27I was wondering if
45:31maybe we could spread John, Carolyn, and Lauren's ashes together
45:39as one.
46:11You know, you're on the digestible.
46:12I'm like, oh, let's go home.
46:12Let's go home place.
46:12I was like, I was like, I shouldn't have a wedding.
46:13I was like, let's go home so I'm like.
46:14Let's go home.
46:15Okay, let's go home.
46:15And then, after we go to Phelous.
46:17I can't go home.
46:17I never waived with McDonald's.
46:19This is what I should have been working on.
46:30I don't know.
47:15I don't know.
47:27I won't ask you how you're holding up.
47:29I always found that question moronic.
47:35I knew he was gone.
47:40As soon as I heard that pounding on the door, I just felt this shift.
47:47It's just overwhelming sense of dread.
47:54I felt that same way when I got the call about my parents playing.
47:58I was 27 years old.
48:00I had three children and a newborn.
48:04I just remember the phone ringing in our house in Hyannis.
48:08And for whatever reason, I wouldn't answer it.
48:11And then it rang again, again and again.
48:14I don't think I realized how young you were when that happened.
48:18I don't think I realized how young I was.
48:25I know I'm not a Kennedy by blood, but you and I are alike in a lot of ways.
48:31We take pride in our resolve and in our independence.
48:36That's why we're so averse to pity in all its forms.
48:41It's not enough we have to survive all this loss.
48:44We have to ensure that we're not defined by it.
48:48It's exhausting.
48:52It's hard to imagine a world in which I don't feel this way every day.
48:56Well, the grief is always going to be there.
48:59But it's your relationship with the grief that changes.
49:03At some point, you realize you can do something with it.
49:07Because you felt you had no choice?
49:09No, because when I didn't have one, I knew I could.
49:16I understand the urge to retreat even further.
49:20To get away from the prying eyes and the concerned whispers.
49:25But privacy doesn't always ensure peace.
49:29If it did, I'd have vanished a long time ago.
49:33We are Kennedy women, and we're still here.
49:37And that can't be for nothing.
49:58We are Kennedy women, and we're still here.
50:12And that can't be for all the victims.
50:52Death is nothing at all.
50:55It does not count.
50:57I have only slipped away into the next room.
51:01Nothing has happened.
51:05Everything remains exactly as it was.
51:08I am I and you are you, and the old life that we live so fondly together is untouched, unchanged.
51:18Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.
51:22Call me by the old familiar name.
51:26Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.
51:31Put no differences into your tone.
51:35Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
51:42Life means all that it ever meant.
51:48It is the same as it ever was.
51:56Do not stand by my grave and weep.
52:03I am not there.
52:04I do not sleep.
52:16I am the thousand winds that blow.
52:20I am the diamond glints in snow.
52:48I am the sunlight of ripe and green.
52:53I am the gentle autumn rain.
52:59As you awake with morning's hush.
53:04I am the swift outflaming rush.
53:13Of quiet birds encircling flight.
53:17I am the day transcending night.
53:40Do not stand by my grave and cry.
53:47I am not there.
53:48I do not die.
53:50I am the persons who lift.
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