- 2 days ago
Daddy Issues Season 02 Episode 03 Its A Plum
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Short filmTranscript
00:08Try and keep him up here!
00:12And nap!
00:25Sadie!
00:26Sadie!
00:32Go away!
00:37Not a fan of the squishy banana, then?
00:42Sadie!
01:01You look like you could do with a break.
01:03I had a lovely rest when I had that filling done last month, so I'm all good.
01:08Well, I've got a surprise for you.
01:12Have you booked me in for a root canal?
01:13The three of us are going away for the weekend.
01:16What?
01:18Dad!
01:23God's sake!
01:24Who is this? What do you want?
01:26Gem!
01:27Grandad Jackie!
01:28You still living in that little flat? Ground floor?
01:32Yeah, why?
01:38Gemma!
01:40Grandad?
01:41Dad?
01:41Oh, Malcolm.
01:43Were you put on weights on?
01:51Why are you back then?
01:53Finally made your way through all the women in the Costa Brava?
01:56I'm on the run from the Spanish Mafia after getting myself mixed up in a casino heist.
02:01I wanted to see my beautiful great-granddaughter.
02:06Yes, I did.
02:07Yes, I did.
02:09Dad, I think I'm just going to move these boxes because I don't want them falling on set.
02:12Do you know? Is that all right with you?
02:13Don't be so bloody wet, Malcolm.
02:15I need to keep them here because there's no room in that tiny little wank pad I'm renting.
02:20Oh, well, you can borrow the flat when we go away.
02:23What way?
02:24We're just, you know, just having a bit of a break.
02:28Where are we going?
02:28No, there's not a lot of room, Dad, you know, so just...
02:34Sorry.
02:38I'll be fine on me own.
02:41Could you, could you just give me my bag?
02:43I need my pills.
02:46There you go, Grandad.
02:48Thanks.
02:50Dad, is it really such a bad idea, him coming with us?
02:53Yes, it's the worst idea you've ever had.
02:57OK, OK, I'll just, I'll think about it, all right?
03:00OK.
03:01No, that tea's stone cold.
03:03Hey, let me get you some water, Dad.
03:05Water's disgusting, Malky.
03:07I'm not wasting the last years of my life drinking water.
03:10Grandad, water's not disgusting.
03:12It doesn't taste of anything, it's water.
03:14Disgusting.
03:15Staying for dinner?
03:17Depends who's cooking.
03:20Mrs Malky?
03:22No chance.
03:23Hey, Dad actually makes really normal food these days.
03:27I could rattle up a Spanakopita.
03:28I don't know what the fuck that is, Malcolm, but I am not eating it.
03:37So, what's the deal with the boxes?
03:39It's a new business venture.
03:42Europe's old news.
03:43I'm exploring the UK market once again.
03:47Actually, I was wondering if you might like to come in on this one, Malky.
03:50I've always thought we'd make great business partners.
03:54Me?
03:56Yeah, well, I could be interested.
03:59Dad, you don't even know what it is.
04:00What does matter, does it?
04:03What is it?
04:04It's an energy drink for ladies called shoes.
04:10Why is it called shoes?
04:11Well, ladies like shoes, don't they?
04:13You see, you buy all these cans from me, becoming a key member of my sales team.
04:17And you sell them on again at a profit, and I get some of your money.
04:21And you get paid by your sales team when they sell them on again.
04:25Wouldn't it be easier just to sell it to a shop?
04:27No.
04:28No, Malcolm, never.
04:29You must never ever sell them to a shop.
04:31Oh, okay, yeah.
04:32You sell them to someone else, and they sell them to someone else.
04:36And that's how we get paid.
04:38So it's a pyramid scheme.
04:39Shh, I'm about to reel him in.
04:42Well, how much you need?
04:44Dad?
04:45No.
04:47And you.
04:52He said he's here to see Sadie, but I know there's another reason.
04:59Do you think he, er, killed someone?
05:03No, he's not you.
05:04It'll be about a woman.
05:06Or a business deal.
05:07Or both.
05:08Oh.
05:09You think he hasn't paid up on an indecent proposal.
05:12I bet he owes a gangster 5,000 quid for shagging his wife.
05:15Oh.
05:18Hey, get him to visit me.
05:20Oh, Grandad was always my favourite.
05:22Of course he was.
05:23He's a con man.
05:25As the only other criminal in the family, I can see why you guys have a lot in common.
05:28Hey, I bet Dad's not happy, though, is he?
05:31No.
05:32He locked himself in the loo for two hours the other day,
05:34after Grandad smeared baby food on the back of his trousers,
05:37then told next door that he'd shit his pants.
05:40Aw, that's hilarious.
05:41Dad's booked us a holiday, though.
05:43It's really sweet.
05:45I bet it's the caravan park.
05:46It won't be the caravan park.
05:49You and Catherine used to love coming here when you were kids.
05:52Mm-hmm.
05:53And Grandad brought me and Jess once, yeah,
05:56with his friend Lorraine from the Buc-ee's.
05:58And his sister.
06:02Look at that view.
06:05Name me a hotel anywhere in the world with a better view than this.
06:10There isn't one.
06:11There isn't one.
06:13If we had the weather, this place would be full of fucking Ruskies.
06:18Right, let's have a look at the luxury accommodation you've booked.
06:27GUNSHOT
06:28GUNSHOT
06:30GUNSHOT
06:31GUNSHOT
06:31GUNSHOT
06:31GUNSHOT
06:31GUNSHOT
06:31GUNSHOT
06:32GUNSHOT
06:37GUNSHOT
06:42GUNSHOT
06:46Something died in here.
06:47It just needs a bit of air in, doesn't it?
06:49Crack a window open.
06:51Here we go.
06:52Here.
06:54Oh, God, maybe not that one.
06:57So I thought Sadie and Gemma could have the master bedroom.
07:02Master?
07:03Yeah, it's in here, look.
07:06And Dad, you and me are in here.
07:11Yeah, a bit alright.
07:13Yeah, it's cosy, isn't it?
07:15Lovely work, Malky.
07:17Well, bigger on the website, but...
07:21One knife.
07:23One frying pan.
07:25And no tin opener.
07:27Sorry.
07:28Oh, no, Dad, it's brilliant.
07:30Yeah, it's Sadie's first holiday.
07:32Your first holiday, Sadie.
07:35First holiday with Grandad, is it?
07:37Oh, okay.
07:39Sorry.
07:40You go change your top.
07:42Yeah, erm...
07:43The thing is, you know, there wasn't enough room in the car
07:46once we got all Sadie's stuff in,
07:47so I didn't pack a case, you know.
07:49I haven't got a change of clothes.
07:50Nothing?
07:50Not even pants?
07:52Yeah, I've got pants, obviously.
07:54Old pants.
07:55Got socks.
07:56And I got my toothbrush, look.
07:58I just need to remember to scrub my smalls in the morning.
08:01Not with a toothbrush, though, eh?
08:02Come on, Dad.
08:04Okay, I'll put tea on, shall I?
08:07Egg on toast?
08:08Yeah.
08:09Nope. Egg on egg?
08:11Look, I tell you what, why don't we, er...
08:14Why don't we go to the restaurant, eh?
08:16Yeah, look, it says here that it, er...
08:18often serves food.
08:34Don't make eye contact.
08:35Well, it smells good, doesn't it?
08:38This place is budsy.
08:40Oh, my God, what are they cleaning these tables with?
08:43Ribena!
08:46This one's good.
08:47Okay.
08:51Ooh!
08:52Right.
08:53Well.
08:57Are you ready to order?
08:59Yeah, shall we just do three fish and chips,
09:01and I'll have a Coke?
09:02Oh, yeah, me too, thanks.
09:03Me also, with two double whiskies poured right on in.
09:11What do you think of her, Malky?
09:13Eh?
09:13Oh, she seemed courteous and efficient.
09:19No, that was suspiciously quick.
09:24Um, may I enquire as to what is this?
09:28A plum.
09:30A what?
09:31A plum.
09:32It's a type of fruit.
09:34Yeah, we know what a plum is.
09:35Why is it on the same plate as fish and chips?
09:36Do you want me to get the Coke out here?
09:38Because she's just spent the last hour crying.
09:41And this will just finish her off.
09:44Is she as feisty as you?
09:48That's for you, charmer.
10:06Hey, Dad.
10:07Time to say goodnight.
10:09Hey, this is us.
10:10Yeah, I'll be staying somewhere else tonight, son.
10:12Give you some space.
10:13Snuck the shag wagon keys out of reception.
10:17Come on.
10:18Right next door.
10:20Andy.
10:22I hope these are soundproof.
10:26Oh, Jackie.
10:28Oh, Jackie.
10:28Jackie.
10:29Oh, Christ, you're right.
10:31Oh, Jackie.
10:33Oh, Jackie.
10:40Oh, Jackie.
10:42Oh, Jackie.
10:42Oh, Jackie.
10:43Oh, Jackie.
10:45Oh, Jackie.
10:45Will you fucking kids stop pissing in the kitchen sink
10:49while your dad's in the shower?
10:50If you can't hold it, do it out the door.
10:54Hey.
10:56Sleep okay?
10:57Yeah.
10:58Yeah.
10:59Yeah, you know.
11:01Eventually.
11:02You can go a long time.
11:04Yeah, yeah.
11:04He's got a condition.
11:06He tried to tell me about it once,
11:08but I just blocked it out, you know.
11:09Before he gets back,
11:10do you think you should speak to him?
11:12About what?
11:13About how mean he is to you.
11:15Oh, no, no.
11:16We don't need to do that.
11:17You're having a good time, aren't you, love?
11:20Brilliant.
11:22What?
11:23The holiday's a disaster.
11:25Gemma rates it.
11:26Yeah, of course she does.
11:27It's off-season at a caravan park, Malcolm.
11:28Yeah, well, I need you here to make it fun, don't I?
11:31Please.
11:32Is there an arcade?
11:33Yeah, yeah, there's an arcade.
11:34Definitely not coming.
11:35I can't do arcades.
11:36Well, I don't think you have to go to the arcade if you don't want to.
11:39Although, granted, I've not read the whole park rulebook.
11:41No.
11:43Oh!
11:44God!
11:46So when are you gonna boot the useless dickhead out your flat?
11:50What?
11:52A beautiful, smart young woman like you.
11:55Whole world her oyster.
11:57Shouldn't be shacked up with her old man.
12:00Yeah, well, I've got a baby.
12:02Just don't let that become an excuse.
12:06Old pedalo trips off, I'm afraid.
12:09Sewerage spillage.
12:10But I have found a shop that sells only purple items.
12:13No.
12:14Eh?
12:15Well, how about this?
12:16The fabulous Coaster Museum.
12:18I think I'll take Sadie to the soft play.
12:20Okay.
12:21I think I'm gonna go and watch some snooker in the clubhouse.
12:24Good idea.
12:25Oh, listen.
12:26If, you know, thingy comes knocking,
12:29just tell her I've had a change of heart.
12:30She'll accept it from you.
12:32You've got very feminine energy.
12:38Sadie!
12:40Mummy's just over here, okay, Sadie?
12:42Mwah!
12:43Mwah!
12:47It's meant to be freezing all weekend.
12:50Thank God for this place, eh?
12:52I know.
12:53I don't think they've updated it since the 90s.
12:56Who the fuck is McHammer?
12:58You know, they still end the talent show
13:00with everyone singing No Limits.
13:01And even that was a dated reference when I was little.
13:04Oh, my God, you came here as a kid, too?
13:06Mm.
13:06It was miserable.
13:08Charmaine.
13:09Gemma, my dad bought this.
13:11I honestly think he has Stockholm Syndrome.
13:13He truly remembers us having a great time.
13:14Yeah.
13:15My mum loves this place, especially the talent show.
13:19God, I wanted one of those talent show trophies
13:20so much when I was little.
13:22Well, I can't imagine you would have had much composition.
13:24What was your talent?
13:25Oh, no, I didn't want to win it.
13:26I just wanted it.
13:27For doing nothing?
13:28Yeah.
13:29Oh, my kind of woman.
13:32Here, Sadie.
13:33Up we go.
13:35Home soon, home.
13:39Oh, God.
13:40Don't worry, Gemma.
13:41I've come to save you from this fucking dreadful holiday.
13:44Derek's boss was a gift.
13:46Well, thank you, but you cannot stay here.
13:48Obviously you don't want to.
13:49Malcolm stinks of baby sick and wet socks.
13:52Oh, yes to both of those.
13:53You've got to admit, he's got a great nose.
13:55Did you manage to go and pick me up some clean clothes?
13:57I'm not your fucking handmaiden, Malcolm.
13:58All right.
14:05Yep.
14:06There's nothing else to do.
14:07I thought that we could get Sadie addicted to the slotties nice and early.
14:10I told you.
14:11I don't do arcades.
14:13Oh, yeah.
14:13He doesn't do arcades.
14:14Why?
14:15Is it the lights?
14:16The noises?
14:17The eroticism?
14:20The grabbers.
14:22No.
14:23No.
14:24No.
14:24No!
14:26Malcolm, you've got about 30 seconds to knock me out, mate.
14:28Well, I'm not going to do that, am I?
14:30Then you can only hold yourself to blame for what's about to happen.
14:53I think that's enough now, mate, eh?
14:55I mean, you've been here for three hours.
14:57It's never enough, Malcolm.
14:59That's the problem with the grabbers, isn't it?
15:01Well, Sadie has 15 toys now, so I think that's enough.
15:04Arguably too many.
15:06Why are we watching this jackass playing on the grabber?
15:08Oh, Dad, this is Derek.
15:10He's my friend.
15:10Best friend?
15:11Yeah, best friend.
15:12Yeah, fuck you, platypus.
15:14Fuck you.
15:14Right back into the egg from which you were hatched.
15:17Oh, God.
15:18Derek, I've got an investment opportunity
15:21because he's targeted at the sophisticated gentleman.
15:24Mark's not interested, then.
15:26I'm looking for five smart chaps to come on the sales team
15:29for my new energy drink for ladies.
15:31Grandad, no.
15:32Well, he's obviously a moron.
15:34Hey!
15:34Oh, sorry, you're talking about your mummy.
15:36Shut up, shut up, shut up!
15:39You're all making me lose concentration.
15:41Oh, I've got a surprise for you, though.
15:43Like, turn this holiday around.
15:44What is it?
15:45I've entered you for the talent contest.
15:48Dad, why?
15:49Well, because you always wanted one of those little trophies
15:51they give out, didn't you?
15:52Yeah, I wanted one,
15:53but I didn't want to have to do anything to get it.
15:54Come on, Gem.
15:55Hey, it might be fun.
15:57Hey?
15:5717.
15:5918.
16:01Calm down.
16:02Has anyone got a pound?
16:03No.
16:03Has anybody got a pound?!
16:09Fuck!
16:11Oh!
16:12Mate, I've been looking for you.
16:13You all right?
16:14Hey, mate.
16:15Have you been here all night?
16:16I thought they closed at 11.
16:18They do.
16:20I just hid in that tiny children's bus over there,
16:22just, um, watching the grabbers,
16:26strategising,
16:26till they came and turned the power back on.
16:30It's probably enough now, eh?
16:31Look, you've got loads.
16:34I do this all the time on family holidays.
16:37Kids thought it was amazing, you know,
16:39winning them so many toys.
16:40Yeah.
16:41And then they got a little bit older
16:41and realised it was probably symptomatic
16:43of a mental illness.
16:48Right.
16:53I don't even know why I bother with these.
16:55What's the point for someone who can't walk?
16:58Oh, God, sorry.
17:02It's fine.
17:04I, too, love taking my boots off and vomiting them.
17:07Usually after a bottle of red, though.
17:10Oh, God.
17:13Ugh.
17:15You dream of that holiday in the boutique hotel
17:18with the spa and the Egyptian cotton sheets.
17:21Life hands you a caravan park with sticky tables
17:23and a vaping bunny.
17:25Hmm.
17:27My dad's entered me for the talent show.
17:29Oh, my God, that's so extra.
17:31Mm-hmm.
17:32I was wondering,
17:33do you want to do something together?
17:35I would love that.
17:38No line dancing.
17:40Obviously no line dancing.
17:43I just don't know how to open, you know.
17:46Well, lucky for you, son, I have a solution.
17:48Meet the lovely Rosetta.
17:50And I...
17:51Well, do you two know each other?
17:52We became acquainted recently.
17:54Oh, God.
17:56Do you want my help or not?
17:57Yeah.
17:58Well, it's my friend.
17:59He's addicted, so...
18:05What the fuck, Malcolm?
18:06You got me tasered!
18:07I'm sorry.
18:09It can be quite pleasant if you hit the right spot.
18:11I bought it undoubted.
18:12We're using bitcoins.
18:13Yeah, it fucking hurts, you psycho.
18:18Whoa!
18:23Oh, my God!
18:24What have you done?
18:31I think it worked.
18:33You're joking.
18:36Thanks, Jackie.
18:37My pleasure.
18:39Hi.
18:40May I?
18:41Yeah, all right.
18:45Ooh!
18:48Yes, yes, yes, yes!
18:49Ah!
18:55That's the last one sold to another idiot.
18:59Now I've just got to wait for the cash to roll in.
19:02My little Gemma, starring the show.
19:05Run, Dad.
19:06We're just doing a duet.
19:07It's nothing amazing.
19:08Everything you do is amazing, Gemma.
19:10And I don't want you ever forgetting that.
19:13Or letting anyone hold you back.
19:16Gotta go.
19:17Charmaine's waiting.
19:18Bye, baby.
19:21Ooh!
19:22What's that dick pills?
19:23You need something.
19:24No, not me, mate.
19:24It's like a stick of rock.
19:26Long, thin and brittle.
19:30I've had many addictions in my time.
19:33And I've beaten them all.
19:34Booze, fags, cars.
19:36You still do all of them?
19:38Yes, but I'm not addicted to them, Malcolm.
19:40I've learnt to control them.
19:41You know, I've never been addicted to anything.
19:44Of course you haven't, son.
19:45You're too cautious.
19:46Too afraid of the world.
19:48Just like your mother.
19:50See, I thought with Malcolm getting rid of the shrew,
19:53it would free him up to grab life by the bollocks.
19:56Allow him to sow his wild oats.
19:57My oats are all right where they are, thank you.
19:59But instead, he's up to his arse in nappies
20:01and letting babies use him as a sick bucket.
20:03I don't let her, do I?
20:04You are a disappointment, son.
20:06And I'm only telling you because it's better you know it now
20:09while he can do something about it.
20:16And don't make that noise.
20:21He was doing that when he was five.
20:24Cheers.
20:25Cheers.
20:26Mm.
20:28Oh, hi.
20:29Mm-hmm.
20:30You know, as much as this has been a truly terrible holiday,
20:33I am really glad I met you.
20:35Me too.
20:37Look, this might seem really, I don't know, forward.
20:41You asking me out?
20:42No, you're not my type, babe.
20:44I've never been remotely Fanny Curious, unfortunately.
20:48No, I wondered if you ever heard of this energy drink for ladies called Shoes.
20:54Because I have got an amazing investment opportunity for you.
20:58Oh, you mean you're looking for the next idiot to sell to.
21:02Gemma?
21:04He's a con man.
21:06Hmm.
21:07Hey.
21:09Mm.
21:10Mm.
21:11Woo!
21:12Are you excited?
21:13I'm going to bed.
21:13What? You can't go to bed.
21:15I can.
21:15What are you doing?
21:17Next up we have Gemma and Sean.
21:19Where are you going?
21:19Couldn't help yourself, could you?
21:23No.
21:24Gemma.
21:25Next on the list?
21:26No, I'll have a go.
21:29Do you have a talent?
21:31No.
21:32Nope.
21:32Hey.
21:33I might do.
21:35Malcolm, Malcolm.
21:36This is going to be fucking hilarious.
21:50Mmm.
21:52Mmm.
22:04Mmm.
22:04Mmm.
22:04Mmm.
22:04Yeah, woo!
22:06Woo!
22:07Woo!
22:08Woo! Yes, make some noise!
22:17we have one to beat girls and boys
22:22yes malcolm fantastic next up we have nine-year-old linley
22:36fuck off
23:04you all right love
23:05i guess it wasn't the best idea coming on holiday with a small baby was it
23:13to be honest it is harder than just being at home
23:17yeah
23:20i've got something for you
23:22what
23:26dad did you win
23:28no no i had to bribe a small boy and went on it over
23:31how much
23:32three bin bags full of cuddly toys from the grabbers
23:37and it over then
23:43well better wash my socks if i get enough hey
23:45i would
23:50you
23:59you
24:00you
24:01you
24:04you
24:08you
24:10you
24:12you
24:14you
24:19you
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