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00:03You know that it's a new material night for experienced acts and it's also brand new
00:09beginners so if you've never done stand-up before this is where you come and do stand-up.
00:22Right Glasgow, I've got another newbie, never done this before. Please welcome to the stage.
00:38This is Will. This is terrifying! Slow down! And this is Ralph. I feel like a powerful badass.
00:45We've been mates for 20 odd years. Come here, let's have a snuggle.
00:50We might look like middle-aged blokes. Yeah, this is great fun. But really, we're just a pair of massive,
01:02noisy kids. Where have you got that cake from? So what will it take for us to grow up? I'm
01:07really tired.
01:09Embrace modern life. Should've gone for some subtle nails, like mine. And become better.
01:14Let it run, we found a survivor. Maturer men. Look at these times, there's something wrong with these.
01:20AGH!
01:37And I would walk 500 miles, and I would walk 500 more to be the man...
01:49so come on then why why are we here in Scotland we're investigating fear what
01:56are you scared of um I mean kind of everything no no you're a nervous man
02:01I'm getting scared of getting older I'm scared of dying firm I've got some bad
02:04news for you yeah no shut it I don't believe that's gonna happen to me I've
02:07told you I think technology's gonna catch up quick I'm gonna come up with a
02:11way that against living forever I think you're just gonna miss it right there is
02:17something that we've both talked about a lot something that genuinely scares us
02:20something that both of us are frightened of we've talked about we've dreamed about
02:23was threatened to doom over the years don't stand-up comedy stand-up comedy if
02:30you booked us it will make it we're not doing that week we in a matter of days
02:33are live stand-up comedy just a normal comedy night in which you and I are two
02:42of several acts Will and I are each booked to perform a solo comedy set at the famous
02:51stand comedy club in Glasgow now that I've said it out loud it's a terrible idea
02:59Ralph seriously but in Scotland we're in Scotland in Glasgow a place famously
03:07welcoming to the English exactly to get us ready I've arranged a meeting with top
03:13stand-up comedian Susie McCabe it's 28 degrees the moon's out I'm Scottish I'm like
03:22past the factor 50 hey there is a known scene in our industry the scariest thing
03:33you can do is do stand-up comedy I've never looked at it like that I remember a
03:38friend who said to me it's not nervous me it's just the adrenaline I know that if
03:44no one laughs there's gonna be adrenaline all in the back of my underpants I tell
03:47you that comedies it's got such a wide spectrum of what some people might find
03:52it might find what I might find funny you might not he might not I mean I've
03:55stood and looked at a room and hysterics and then half the room going I don't
04:01know what this is this person's doing have you died on stage I have to win
04:05things at some point but it's what you've got for you've got to learn you've got
04:09to learn but let me tell you that's right see if you come off after five
04:13minutes of laugh you will be up there for really these it is genuinely the
04:18greatest feeling in the world here's what I need you to do yes write
04:23yourselves your actors write yourselves a script okay get a pad and pen get a
04:27little a3 notebook and get writing yeah don't let me down boys
04:42how'd you feel after that she was nice Susie won't you really nice and
04:47actually made me feel a bit better did she well because she just said be
04:51confident in what you're saying you know if you're nervous they'll be nervous I
04:54think that's what I got from her is that what you heard what what did you hear I'll
05:01tell you what I heard it's terrifying
05:03yes it's terrifying
05:11okay right and you always go on about I'm not scared of things you know aliens and
05:15you know and spirits and all that shit well I think I've actually done
05:19something that you would find more frightening than any of that what I've
05:23done that I think you'd find more frightening enlighten me is have a child
05:29oh yes yes actually commit to something commitment like I have had two kids and
05:36brought them up right so yeah I thought to give you a little taste I'm taking to a
05:45place it's like a charity set up where dads can go and learn how to be good
05:50parents what to expect from a baby this is how to be a parent living nightly
05:58you'll learn something
06:02hello today's group is being run by co-founder Thomas Lynch
06:08what's the worry about children it's a lot of work in it I bought a bread maker once and I
06:14was
06:14loved making that bread but after a little while I was like I just unplug it and put it under
06:18the
06:18cupboard you can't really do that with babies can you that's the first time I've ever had a child
06:23compared to bread maker at first all they are is is you gotta feed them and clean them and that's
06:30sort of it for a while you don't get much back do you for a while and that can
06:33be quite soul-destroying it's like but especially for you guys you need that
06:36attention right I mean you're not wrong but I didn't expect to be called out quite so
06:41quickly and accurately yeah there is definitely a little bit that you need to give but as soon as they
06:47make little noises as soon as their eyes are opening oh it's brilliant Ralph what is it that you're most
06:52afraid of?
06:52do you think um I've lived a lot of my life having a mentality where there's nothing I can't walk
07:01away from
07:05um it's it's actually terrifying to me to the idea of loving something so completely and irreversibly
07:14uh yeah you can't walk away from it I can't walk away from it intact
07:18that's terrifying to me
07:19hmm I think we should go over get some hands-on experience change some nappies
07:24okay let's go
07:27good evening come on in come on in
07:28are these your regulars?
07:30the groups have run multiple times a week across Scotland giving free advice to new and expecting dads
07:36knowledge is power look after the neck is anyone expecting a baby yeah you yeah when is it coming
07:42in November how are you feeling uh nervous excited I'm going to show you how to put a baby in
07:48a car seat
07:48you want to get the baby as snug as possible what age is the baby when you sort of uh
07:53get your life back
07:57um so we're going to show you how to change a nappy on a baby this is the newborn baby
08:01so you don't
08:02need to take it over the baby's head and that's important for when you have what we call punami
08:06or kumageddon Ralph so hey you've got to change a nappy hands-on
08:15hiya you taking your watch off because I don't want to scratch the baby with me watch do you don't
08:20want shit on your watch that's what it is I don't want shit on me watch right okay
08:25I have no skin in the game really in there and it even was making me nervous was like
08:30there's a lot it was almost like just theoretically picturing the responsibility it felt like a lot
08:37twinkle twinkle little star beautiful singing oh god
08:47Michelle this one's for you that's how I'd play that right you should be very careful you don't
08:53lift the baby too high because of the baby's neck but that's fine with the big wings to the back
08:58and
08:58keep it nice and flat do you know what I I was watching that today with him changing his nappy
09:04and
09:04I missed it even though it's really hard and I might be looking at it through rose tinted glasses
09:11but my kids are all grown up now and it just you realize how quick time goes
09:16yeah I miss being a dad that the kids you know need and look up to that that was a
09:21magical part of it
09:23oh there we go there you go that looks good amazing oh it's just shit again
09:31okay now that's life beautiful well done well done before we leave Thomas has one little gift for
09:40Ralph we have your very own baby to look after for at least the next 24 hours but maybe 20
09:48years
09:49and you need to be responsible you can do this come on look after the neck remember baby will
09:57respond to you there you go you need to think of a name do you have a middle name
10:02Alistair it's good solid scottish that's a good scottish there you go call Alistair you have a night with it
10:08it's making noises
10:11you'll be all right yeah we're fine we believe in you you can do it i think you can do
10:16it
10:17all right thank you everybody thanks for your time guys and um good luck cheers and thank you everybody
10:44Ralph it might have shit itself it might have hold on please calm me down see what i mean you've
10:49just
10:49got to hold your nerve he'll stop good girl well it was a boy good boy
11:01i'll take care of it
11:08you can't just put the music up i can't hear it no that's not the key you've got to sort
11:14it out
11:14i had to escape the city was a bit of a cruise
11:23yes he's still crying wait wait wait
11:24it worked it worked it worked yes
11:32i drove all night
11:35to get to you
11:38i'm the best dad ever
11:51fun isn't it being parent
11:53isn't it fun being parents why are you saying this to me we're the parents
11:56hey you're you're the parent hey i've done my shift you didn't use protection
12:02you have responsibility too you don't just walk away see what happens to our relationship once a
12:06baby gets point to it yes see what happens yes go and see to the baby see it to the
12:12baby don't you
12:14talk to me like that you don't need to talk to me before like this it's all the baby out
12:17it's your
12:23baby
12:24where's this bottle give me the bop bop it's miserable what are you doing i'm turning it off
12:33you're not supposed to do that magic great idea let's get out
12:44that's the way you deal with it that worked that worked wouldn't it be great if you could
12:47just do that when they're crying just switch it off for a bit have you got a pub oh yeah
13:02yeah it's um it's been a funny old day just in general for me it's through some i can see
13:08it
13:08threw some questions into your mind that you weren't expecting yeah i could tell from your
13:13reaction that you was a bit like maybe maybe there is a reason a bit deeper why i haven't
13:20got had children for sure no it is yeah
13:26my parents were fantastic with us and did the best that they could yeah but their relationship broke
13:33down really in a really difficult way and that was very difficult for us yeah um you know not
13:40there's no there's no way of putting this that's not blunt but um you know they had three kids in
13:47an
13:47idyllic family life and then one of the kids was alive one weekend dead the next and everything
13:54their entire lives crumbled right in front of their eyes from that moment on it's like
13:59you know you can't protect them my mum was really
14:03my mum was really protective of us really protected
14:14and and and it happened anyway it happened anyway because you can't pretty you can't wrap
14:19your kids in cotton wool and protect them 24 7.
14:20no like it's it's a lot and it's only when i'm forced to sort of say these things out loud
14:27that i
14:28realize quite quite what a lot it is yeah yeah there's no guarantees is there
14:48how's the stand-up coming along do you have any ideas it's getting closer and closer i'm absolutely
14:54be shitting about this is the thing is i think my stomach's got worse since i realized we were
15:00doing stand-up you think it's possible you might shit yourself yeah well i've got some good news for
15:04you what for our next adventure to investigate fear you've said to me on more than one occasion on
15:13our podcast or whatever you've said to me do you know what i'd really love to do i'd love to
15:17i'd love
15:17to be in the circus i'll probably be a clown i feel like that 100 yeah we're going to the
15:24circus
15:24we're going to join the circus yeah and we're we're we're not actually going to be clones i thought
15:29we might do something a little more challenging something that might challenge fears what
15:40okay knees up hook them on that's it hands off look up leg straight
16:00nice you must be out of your mind if you think we're going to be able to do that
16:05scott craig started out in the circus as a child in australia nearly 30 years ago
16:10and now teaches trapeze here at community circus paisley this place uh basically a circus school
16:18it's now i think one of only two indoor flying trapeze rigs in the uk wow so i what is
16:24it we're
16:24actually going to be doing so we're going to start with the very first trick that everyone starts with
16:27on flying trapeze which is a knee hang which is literally just bringing your knees up hooking on
16:31onto the bar taking your hands off hanging from your knees as you swing through towards the catcher
16:36the catcher will grab you first and then you take your legs off the bar and you go for a
16:40swing
16:40on the catcher that's the first one the way he made that sound really simple i thought he was
16:44going to go she's going to swing by your arms yeah we'll start bit by bit we'll start on the
16:49ground
16:49it's pretty simple it's just if you can lie on the ground bring your knees up to your chest
16:54you've got it i have to say i'm loving the outfits thanks mate i noticed that you're not
17:04sporting one lie down on the ground that's it grab this stick and hold it above your heads
17:12so you can imagine you're hanging down that's it so the secret to getting your legs under the bar
17:18scott i'm exhausted already and all i'm doing is lying down as hard as it gets don't worry you're
17:23going to bring your knees up that's it and then roll them right up right up right up right up
17:27all
17:28right scott nice to meet you jesus christ take biney dinner first look yes there we go right over
17:34i'm stuck let's try it again right look down at your feet yep roll your feet right up to the
17:40bar if
17:41you can even further even further keep going keep going keep going that's it right up there we go
17:45that's it that's it that's it get out of the bar jesus christ scott scott scott you said anyone
17:55could do this this isn't easy at all there we go see hey i don't know how it happens okay
18:06i've got
18:07it's impossible oh there we go i'm not flexible like a piece of metal i don't bend when you lean
18:18out keep your hips forward and your shoulders back give me all of your weight straight legs
18:21yep feet apart a little bit more sorry that was my ankle did you hear that snap yeah that was
18:26me
18:26ankles i felt that through the floor i think he thought we might have had experience because he was
18:31like right do that do that let go done i was like whoa whoa whoa to jump backwards bring your
18:36hips
18:36your toes forward to go down that water slide okay shoulders back imagine you're rowing a boat
18:41hips forwards what hips forwards no that this is that's it there we go did i think scott's training
18:46was a bit rushed i think he just thinks we could all do what he can do you look down
18:52at your knees
18:52bring your knees up and around push the bar over hook your knees on hold on tight when i say
18:57hands
18:58off you're gonna let go and arch right back scott and then we'll just come back up to here what
19:02are you
19:03talking about under the bar you've got it you've got it put them on and then hands off
19:09i can't let go i can't i've got you can't possibly come down i can't let go let's go i
19:14can't let go
19:15i've got all your weight i can't let go seriously i can feel my heartbeat in my eyes
19:23let's do it you go first
19:29tell you what though that ladder looks really sturdy oh yeah
19:34you don't have to think just do what you're told when you're told it
19:44no mental oh my god no i'm sorry i can't let go there's no way there's no way mate you
19:52got it
19:52you're halfway there no i can't do it i'm telling you there's no way you got it we're facing our
19:57fears
19:58right but letting go of that bar once you've got one hand on to do that and lean over
20:08go on you can do it have you golden me yeah no sorry sir i can't seriously
20:15i'm shaking myself they've got you and i've got you on the lines as well oh my god honestly this
20:20is
20:20okay go i can't do it i can't get me down i'm not doing it i can't do it
20:29i don't know if it's because i'm getting older or what but
20:33that doubt and that fear was more than it's ever been before
20:43you can't do it
20:54we're ready yep go for it there's no way that's awful it's awful it's horrible
21:06i'll tell you what will it's quite high up when you look from this angle isn't it oh no no
21:12no let
21:12go ralph it's rather high let go ralph you're safe they've got you it's horrible i can't even reach
21:20it can't reach it i can't reach it i can't reach it just grab it there we go there you
21:28go now okay
21:29you ready yeah yeah okay so you're listening to me yeah yeah everything i say at the right time
21:35here we go so bend jump that's it relax now knees up put them on yep under the bar go
21:42go go
21:42okay stay there i'm gonna give you a bit of swing okay gently hands off look right up
21:49legs straight yes oh so you're not such a big deal
21:58what a bastard
22:01that was actually amazing
22:02fuck off okay truth
22:07the getting the second hand on it is by far the worst bit it's horrendous but by far the worst
22:11bit but
22:12from the moment you go it's like oh this is great you are you and one million percent can do
22:17it i don't
22:18think i can you can do it the worst thing that can possibly happen has already happened which is putting
22:23on that outfit that is true you got this these things you take for granted as a kid i used
22:31to go to
22:32parks swing from the ankles no fear no problem i'm 49 now and you can tell
22:47the longer you're up there thinking about it the worst it gets so the second time i just went just
22:52do it yeah you got it just stay there stay there that's exactly it you're safe he's got you
22:58one two three go go go go yes yes
23:04yeah nice okay ready knees up now there's fucking no chance i'm lifting my knees up
23:10on the other side after killing me do it i'm gonna let go i'm gonna let go okay when i
23:14say when
23:15i say ready let go let go now when i say yes nice one that can stay in my hands
23:21wait there one
23:23second you did it i'm proud of you that's fantastic that's bollocks once you were swinging did you not
23:31enjoy it nope will wasn't keen on another attempt but scott wanted me to try for a full catch
23:36swinging from one trapeze over to another gymnast okay so we go for a catch yeah okay so adam's
23:45going to tell you to bend and jump and then you'll listen to me and then adam will say leg
23:49leg straight yeah so bend and jump to start says yeah okay so left hand on that bar
23:59yeah buzz coming up second hand on it's the worst bit in it
24:07okay okay good okay okay knees up hook them on that's it hands off look up
24:18yes
24:41That was amazing!
24:43That was amazing, mate.
24:46That was unbelievable. Unbelievable.
24:48That was a real thrill. Superb.
24:51You can get on one last time, can't you?
24:53Plenty of chalk on the hands.
24:54I can't keep failing because it's not good for my head.
24:56I just keep thinking, just shit.
24:57Hold on, you haven't failed?
24:59I've not felt like that for a while.
25:00My brain going, you can't do this.
25:02The older you get, the less you do,
25:04so the more scared you are of doing things
25:06that you've never done before.
25:08I think that's the key.
25:09And I hate it.
25:11You did phenomenally today,
25:12to get from where you started to what you achieved.
25:15I appreciate your time, Nolan. Thank you.
25:17No, it's great having you.
25:18Come back any time, we'll get there.
25:20On the face of it,
25:21it looks like I had more success today than he did.
25:24But I'm not scared of heights.
25:25Will went, that looks terrifying,
25:27I'm not going to be able to do any of it.
25:29And he overcame several layers of fear.
25:32And did what he did.
25:34And actually,
25:35I think that's measurably,
25:38probably a bigger success.
25:43What happens,
25:45if I get that fear when I'm on stage doing stand-up?
25:48Are you worried that it might then?
25:49Confidence is everything, you know.
25:50Yeah.
25:51Even if you're not confident,
25:52you can sell that you are.
25:53Yeah.
25:54And that is what stand-up's about.
25:56Yeah.
25:56And that's just not me confidence.
25:57So when we go to do the stand-up,
26:00I'm not going to be as confident as I would have been
26:02if I hadn't have done that.
26:04Do you think it's too late to back out?
26:07Stand-up!
26:09It's the afternoon of the performance
26:10and we're meeting Susie to get our first look at the venue.
26:14Stand-up!
26:16Well, there's no going back now, mate.
26:19Hey, Susie.
26:20Susie!
26:20Hi, boys. How's it going?
26:22How's it going?
26:22Oh, come on over.
26:23This feels like the long walk.
26:25Dead men walking on the mile!
26:29So, you will have tables and everything, I mean...
26:32That close?
26:33Yeah, yeah, yeah.
26:34There?
26:34It has to be.
26:36Oh, no.
26:37Even though we've never done this,
26:39it feels like it's close enough to what we are known for doing.
26:43Even though we know it's very different,
26:45I think there's an added pressure to that.
26:46There's no way I would have signed up to do this
26:48if I thought you'd be terrible.
26:50Thanks.
26:51So, now I'm added pressure from Susie.
26:53Yeah, it does.
26:53Don't let us down.
26:54You're my comedy children.
26:56Oh.
26:57We're keeping our material secret from each other,
26:59so Susie has given us feedback in private.
27:02We won't see each other perform until tonight.
27:05Hands out your pockets.
27:07Listen off.
27:08Right.
27:09I've not learnt any of this yet.
27:11Ladies and gentlemen, please, welcome to this stage,
27:13Well Mailer!
27:16Yes, people!
27:18Why, did Will go with no notes?
27:19Did he?
27:21Shit house.
27:21I will plan and plan.
27:23I just turned 49.
27:24Shitting myself has come a bit more of a regularity.
27:27Shoot!
27:28Ralph will leave everything until the last minute.
27:29That's just how he is.
27:31Well, this is scary already.
27:36Thank you so much for welcoming me into this warm, dark space.
27:41It's very inviting.
27:48As always, in retrospect, I wish I'd spent longer on it.
27:52It's a young man's game.
27:54Trusting farts is a young man's game.
27:55That's funny!
27:56Yes!
27:57Yes!
27:57I liked it when you'd done the thing about kids being spoiled.
28:01See, I'll always punch up work.
28:02You've got to punch up.
28:04That's very funny.
28:05That's how we flip it round.
28:07That's it.
28:07That's a great shout.
28:08Thank you, Susie.
28:09Really appreciate your help.
28:11Right.
28:11Good off.
28:13I'm battling with this thing of going, it's a few hours away now.
28:16And as it stuns, I still have essentially nothing.
28:20But do you know what?
28:21You became less nervous as you get further into it.
28:24You looked less at your nose.
28:25And I think it is so much stronger than what you think it is.
28:29OK.
28:29I really do.
28:31I really do.
28:32So, yeah.
28:34OK.
28:35I'm going to go and spend a few hours learning this,
28:37rewriting bits of it, trying not to throw up.
28:40I'll be great.
28:41You will be great.
28:42You will be great.
28:58I did have to rewrite some stuff.
29:00You know, Susie gave me some tips that I then had to go and rewrite.
29:03I think the best stand-up is personal.
29:05I've always enjoyed stand-ups where you learn a little bit about them
29:08and the way they see life and the way they see the world.
29:12When I left Susie, I got her notes and I went back and I worked on it
29:15and I took on her advice and changed it.
29:19Which made me a bit nervous because I thought, if I change it at this point,
29:21what if that just messes my whole thing up?
29:27What's that?
29:28That's the music going on, that.
29:30Does that mean the audience is coming in?
29:31That means the audience is coming in.
29:35The stand is a 220-person capacity venue, and this evening, it's sold out.
29:47We are two of seven comedians on the bill.
29:50Nice to meet you, Ralph.
29:52You up for it, Ralph, then?
29:54I'm shitting my pants.
29:56Have many of your sitcoms been studio films?
30:00Yeah, two pints that I did with Will was...
30:02So did you not...?
30:03You're used to that, then, like, reacting to the laughter and stuff.
30:05Oh, yeah, 100%, but, you know...
30:07Somebody else wrote that, so if it was shit, then we didn't care.
30:10LAUGHTER
30:12The audience is all in.
30:14The night is about to begin.
30:18She's only about a few boys.
30:19So, you out there?
30:21Oh, here we go.
30:22Please welcome to the stage, your host, the podcast, Susie McKay!
30:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
30:30Oh!
30:33Oh!
30:36Give me a wee cheer if you are from Glasgow.
30:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
30:40Any English in?
30:43No.
30:44Not so fucking cocky now, are they?
30:48Eh?
30:49Up here trying to smuggle back your square sausage and tablet.
30:54Listen, hamburgers don't have to pay you to be shit.
30:57Just to make me look better.
30:59To be honest, I'm trying a lot of new stuff, so...
31:01Are you?
31:01It could go anywhere.
31:03All right.
31:03What's the set-up here?
31:05My God!
31:06You're like, Jesus!
31:09I mean, I am a bona fide lesbian, but fuck you, handsome!
31:14Don't fuck it up.
31:16Don't fuck it up.
31:19Please, welcome to the stage, your first act is coming!
31:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
31:32Now, I really should explain my aided entrance here, right?
31:35That I am, in fact, registered as blind, right?
31:37Just delighted I'm no next to the bins right now.
31:42Will is on next.
31:45Fuck, it just got real.
31:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
31:51You know that it's a new material night for experienced acts?
32:02This person's going to do it for the very first time,
32:04so please give this person all the love in the world.
32:06LAUGHTER
32:09Please, welcome to the stage, Mr. Will Miller!
32:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
32:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
32:19Yes!
32:25Wow!
32:27Just like Susie said, this is my first time ever doing this.
32:31It's a thing, you know, when you get a bit older, you start thinking,
32:34I've got to challenge myself.
32:36Do things that frighten you, you know?
32:38So here I am, shitting myself.
32:41Which, do you know what?
32:42I turned 49 just a couple of months ago, so...
32:46..shitting myself has become a bit more of a regularity, you know?
32:49LAUGHTER
32:49You know, it's true, it's true.
32:51Trusting farts...
32:55..is a thing for young people.
32:58Back in the day, TV seemed a lot more innocent.
33:02You know, what do we have programmes like Blind Date, right?
33:06Innocent.
33:07What's the equivalent we've got now?
33:09Fucking naked attractions.
33:11If you'd never seen Blind Date, if you were a bit younger,
33:13you'd have a lady.
33:15And she'd be asking questions.
33:16So she'd be like,
33:17OK, my question's for number three.
33:20Er...
33:20Number three, if you was a biscuit...
33:24LAUGHTER
33:25..what biscuit would you be?
33:27And he'd be like,
33:29Hello, er, well, I'd be a...
33:32I'd be a Jammie Dodger.
33:34Because I'm hard on the outside,
33:37and I've got a soft centre.
33:39And it's like, aw!
33:42Now it's like, do you like a big vulva?
33:45LAUGHTER
33:49Is...
33:57Does the dangly clit bother you?
34:02The balls are bigger than the dick, is that a problem?
34:05How have we gone from there to there in my lifetime?
34:10LAUGHTER
34:12I'll give you a little idea what I think's coming next.
34:15LAUGHTER
34:15Hey, I'm glad this is being recorded,
34:17because now I own this idea.
34:19LAUGHTER
34:22Er...
34:23So it's a man, right?
34:25This is the game.
34:25It's a man.
34:26And he stood there.
34:28Fuck all of them.
34:29Naked, like that, naked.
34:31Apart from the blindfold, like that.
34:33Blindfold.
34:34And in front of him, there's five women, also naked,
34:38but all bent over.
34:41Right?
34:42And the game is, using his penis alone,
34:48he's got to guess which one is his mum.
34:54LAUGHTER
34:58Hey!
35:00You've had it on series link in about five years.
35:02Trust me, it's coming.
35:04Listen, thanks for being nice to me.
35:06Thanks for having me.
35:08I'll see you again.
35:09APPLAUSE
35:11Let it go!
35:13Down on the floor
35:14Close the door,
35:16hook the phone
35:17Show me how
35:19Nobody's...
35:21Ladies and gentlemen, where are we?
35:23LAUGHTER
35:24It's his mum!
35:26Oh, my God!
35:28How was it? How was it?
35:29You smashed it?
35:30It was amazing.
35:31You smashed it?
35:31It was amazing, I just...
35:33It was amazing.
35:34Oh, God, I'm shitting it.
35:36I think it went all right.
35:36Do you think it'd go all right?
35:37What are you supposed to do?
35:38Oh, my God, I'm looking...
35:39Look at that.
35:40You're shaking.
35:41Well, when you're up there,
35:42you just sort of try and sit in it.
35:43I'm shaking, fucking watching.
35:44Yeah, it's scary.
35:45But if you push through that
35:47and you do something that's that scary
35:50and you come out the other side,
35:51there's no better feeling.
35:53I'm so good.
35:54I'll be here.
35:55What a feeling.
35:57What a feeling.
36:01I'm so delighted for you
36:02and I'm also like,
36:03I've got to do this now.
36:04You've set the bar here.
36:06You can hit a spiral really quickly.
36:09I got laughs on looks
36:11and paws and timing
36:12and I just really enjoyed that.
36:15You were amazing, honestly.
36:16There were...
36:17Oh, I'm so tough for you, pal.
36:19You were great.
36:21Well...
36:21Don't want to see that.
36:22Poor Ralph's got to go on.
36:23Look at that.
36:25And please welcome back
36:26to your host and comment,
36:27Susie McKay!
36:34Hey, hey!
36:36Listen, are we having a good night, folks?
36:40Right, Glasgow,
36:41I've got another newbie.
36:42Never done this before.
36:44Good luck.
36:45Do you enjoy it?
36:46Believe in yourself.
36:47You've got this.
36:48Please.
36:49Welcome to this stage,
36:51Mr Ralph Leto!
37:01Evening.
37:04So, this is my first time doing this.
37:06Susie McKay, legend, just said.
37:08She was very clear
37:09when she was giving me some tips.
37:10She was like,
37:11no memory aids are allowed whatsoever.
37:12No notes.
37:13Nothing written on your hand.
37:14But I like to do things my own way.
37:16So, I've written,
37:16Susie can fuck right off.
37:20All you need to know about me is,
37:2220 odd years ago,
37:23I was in a very successful sitcom
37:25with Will Mellor,
37:26who was on earlier,
37:27who was my co-star.
37:29And, back in the day,
37:30this woman recognised me.
37:31She got really, really excited.
37:32And she was like,
37:33Oh, do you mind if I call my mate?
37:35I was like,
37:35Yeah, sure.
37:36She called a mate, she was like,
37:36Joanne, Joanne,
37:37you won't believe who I'm stood next to.
37:39Oh, it's that lad from Two Pints.
37:42No, no.
37:43Not the fit one.
37:44The other one.
37:47I'm the other one.
37:49That's all you need to know about me.
37:54I'm 45.
37:55Got little kids.
37:56And, er,
37:57a lot of people are dads.
37:58At my age.
37:59A lot of people are granddads at my age.
38:02In certain parts of Glasgow,
38:04a lot of people are great granddads.
38:05I don't know.
38:13Wasn't sure about that one thing it fucked about.
38:16Er, show of hands,
38:17any parents out there?
38:19Any parents?
38:20Oh, bless you.
38:21Look at that.
38:22It felt like a really good idea,
38:23didn't it, at the time?
38:24Hey.
38:24Oh, in the moment, carried away during sex.
38:26You're like,
38:27Oh, yeah, great.
38:28Now you live with those consequences for the rest of your lives.
38:32Like the worst STD in the world.
38:34That's what a child is.
38:38Cost you a fucking fortune.
38:40Make you anxious.
38:40And if you ever split up and have to meet someone new,
38:43you have to disclose it straight out of the gate.
38:45There's worse than herpes, that.
38:49Except, if you try and use pills to get rid of it,
38:51that's frowned upon.
39:00I'm not going to get any of this up.
39:02This is like fucking therapy.
39:02Thank you so much.
39:07When I was nine...
39:15My sister died when she was 14,
39:17because she fell off a cliff.
39:19It made me learn from an early age
39:21that you have to try and laugh through,
39:22sort of, anything.
39:24But I don't think generational trauma
39:26is necessarily a good foundation for fatherhood.
39:28But that said,
39:30my other sister, who survived,
39:32we call her the spare.
39:42We call her the spare.
39:44She has two kids,
39:47and they're all right.
39:48My brother,
39:49he doesn't have that trauma
39:51because he was born a year after my sister fell.
39:55We call him the replacement.
40:01And he said to me,
40:04what was she like, Ralph?
40:06What was Kerry like?
40:08And I thought about it for a long time.
40:10And I was like...
40:14If I had to sum her up in one word,
40:15I'd say...
40:18Clumsy.
40:28Clumsy.
40:38So maybe, just maybe,
40:40I'm not the most suitable material to be a dad.
40:59How are you feeling?
41:00Fucking dead.
41:00Ladies and gentlemen,
41:01Mr Ralph Leto!
41:03You all right?
41:03Yeah, it was great.
41:05It was great.
41:05Well done.
41:06That was amazing.
41:07Fucking, you're dark, mate.
41:09You're dark.
41:09I told you.
41:10I told you all my shit was dark.
41:12I feel like I need to sleep for about ten days,
41:14but it's been amazing.
41:16How do you feel?
41:18Fantastic.
41:19Did you get three applause breaks?
41:21No.
41:22Three applause breaks,
41:23right for your first ever five minutes?
41:25Ah, I'm so tough for you, pal.
41:27I'm so tough for you.
41:27Thanks for all your help.
41:28It was so great.
41:29Lads, it was great fun.
41:31I don't know what's next.
41:32I just want to keep challenging myself
41:34and trying to get that feeling that I got tonight.
41:38It was just an unbelievable feeling.
41:41I question myself a lot.
41:43I'm always overthinking,
41:45and I want to try and stop that.
41:47I want to just accept that I'm all right,
41:50and I think doing things like this is good for me.
41:52I just want to be all right and just go,
41:55do a decent job.
41:56Pat yourself on the back and sleep well.
41:58Stop stressing.
42:02I've been so terrified about stand-up,
42:04and yet I did it, and it was great,
42:06and all of my worst fears didn't happen.
42:09Can you draw that same parallel with fatherhood?
42:12I get it.
42:14I get it.
42:18Filming this bit with Will,
42:20not just the stand-up, but the, you know,
42:23the trapeze and just all the fear stuff.
42:30It's been a lot.
42:33So, I don't know.
42:35If I could do stand-up,
42:36which is legit the scariest thing I've ever done,
42:38then maybe,
42:41maybe.
42:51I love it.
42:54What a song.
42:55Yeah?
42:55It's perfect.
42:57There's a voice that keeps on calling me.
43:01Down the road, that's where I'll always be.
43:06And every stop I make, I make a new friend.
43:10Can't stay for long, just turn around and I'm gone again.
43:14Maybe tomorrow, I'll wanna settle down.
43:19Until tomorrow, I'll just keep moving on.
43:24Down this road, that never seems to end.
43:28New adventure lies just around the bend.
43:32So, if you wanna join me for a while.
43:37Just grab your hat, we'll travel like that's hobo style.
43:42Maybe tomorrow, I wanna settle down.
43:46Until tomorrow.
43:48Just grab your hat, you eat Duril world.
43:49Wait till tomorrow.
43:49Wait till tomorrow, I will come back.
43:49Come back in, acompan beautifully.
43:49When you come back from 10 years old,
43:49you'll be live in,opolym약 tax.
43:50Excuse me.
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