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00:00:02Next up on C-SPAN, Secretary of War Pete Hegseth is about to take questions from the press
00:00:07about the current military operation in Iran.
00:00:10Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
00:00:14The Secretary of War has been preparing all afternoon, and it looks like he's about ready.
00:00:20So please welcome Secretary Hegseth.
00:00:36All right, enough. Cut the track. Cut it!
00:00:41All right, I finished my Hegstan.
00:00:45And relax, it was Sprite.
00:00:49All right, listen up, dipsticks, okay?
00:00:52Because this is actually serious, okay?
00:00:54As you may have seen from our epic pentagram meme drops,
00:00:59we're treating Iran like the breathalyzer in my car and blowing it the hell up.
00:01:05The good news is, our operation couldn't be going better, and everyone loves it.
00:01:11To quote my personal hero, Papa Roach,
00:01:16Cut Iran in two pieces.
00:01:19Make it a Trump resort.
00:01:26Now, this situation's complicated, okay?
00:01:29So let me put it in terms that I can understand.
00:01:32We're giving Iran a third-degree purple nurple.
00:01:36All right?
00:01:37And we've torpedoed their ships so bad,
00:01:39their Navy's gonna be singing,
00:01:41Andadasi!
00:01:44Yeah, that's right, we could do Jamaican again, you're welcome.
00:01:50Now, a lot of the press have looks on their faces like,
00:01:53So now I'm gonna be taking your questions
00:01:56and throwing them directly into a trash can.
00:01:58You, Hanson brother, go.
00:02:02Uh, Secretary Hegseth, you said this war could...
00:02:05Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, war?
00:02:07Okay, whoever called this a war?
00:02:10Except maybe the president a couple times accidentally.
00:02:13Okay?
00:02:14This isn't a war.
00:02:14Also, why do we have to put labels on everything, okay?
00:02:17What are you, my high school girlfriend, which I had?
00:02:22This isn't a war, okay?
00:02:24It's a situationship.
00:02:26Right?
00:02:27We're just gonna hook up, we're gonna see where it goes, okay?
00:02:29If it feels good, we'll keep going,
00:02:31and if we get bored, we'll start hooking up with Cuba.
00:02:34Okay?
00:02:35Does anyone have a not-stupid question?
00:02:38Yeah, can you just tell us
00:02:39if there are gonna be boots on the ground?
00:02:41Uh, yeah, your mom's next to my bed after I bang her.
00:02:48I just think the American people are worried
00:02:50this could turn into a total quagmire.
00:02:52Uh, yeah, good, quagmire's hilarious.
00:02:55I mean, he's no Suey, but who is?
00:02:58Giggity.
00:03:00What is happening?
00:03:01Okay, I'll tell you what's happening, okay?
00:03:03We don't know.
00:03:05Okay?
00:03:05And that's the whole point.
00:03:07If we don't know what we're doing,
00:03:09then Iran definitely doesn't know what we're doing.
00:03:12We're wild, okay?
00:03:13We're unpredictable.
00:03:14We're like Shia LaBeouf and Nowlins.
00:03:17Okay?
00:03:18Shout-out Transformers.
00:03:19Shout-out Megan Fox back on Insta.
00:03:28All right, next question.
00:03:30Gaylord says what?
00:03:32What?
00:03:33Oh, my God.
00:03:35Brutal.
00:03:36Okay, next.
00:03:38Yeah, this week the president was asked
00:03:40if Americans should be worried about Iranian attacks
00:03:42here at home,
00:03:43and the president said,
00:03:44I guess.
00:03:45Should people be afraid?
00:03:46Uh, oh, probably.
00:03:48I mean, probably you are.
00:03:50Look, you guys don't understand
00:03:52what we're doing here, okay?
00:03:53Y'all, y'all playing chess.
00:03:55I'm playing Grand Theft Auto.
00:03:56Okay?
00:04:00All right, next question.
00:04:01Girl.
00:04:03First of all, I have a name.
00:04:05Oh, really?
00:04:06Is it Jessica No Wonder I'm Single?
00:04:08Oh.
00:04:11Yes.
00:04:15Last week you said that the U.S. defense agenda
00:04:18was, quote,
00:04:20maximum lethality,
00:04:21not tepid legality,
00:04:23violent effect,
00:04:24not politically correct.
00:04:26Uh, what did you mean by that,
00:04:28and why did it rhyme?
00:04:30Uh, because I'm White Hamilton?
00:04:34I'm just like my country.
00:04:36I'm drunk, angry, and horny,
00:04:37and they made me throw away my scotch.
00:04:43Yeah.
00:04:45Yeah.
00:04:46Yeah, like a poster.
00:04:48All right.
00:04:49Now, this is all fun news today.
00:04:52Okay?
00:04:52After year, singular, of hard work,
00:04:56DHS Secretary Kristi Noem
00:04:58has been reassigned under the bus.
00:05:02So let's bring her out
00:05:04to give her a proper goodbye.
00:05:06Kristi Noem.
00:05:09Thank you, Secretary Hegseth.
00:05:11I just want to make it clear
00:05:12that I didn't get fired.
00:05:14I self-deported.
00:05:16And though I may be leaving this job,
00:05:19I will not be ending my mission.
00:05:21As I told my plastic surgeon,
00:05:24the work is never done.
00:05:27But I gave my all to the DHS,
00:05:29and I have no regrets,
00:05:31because like they say,
00:05:33you miss 100% of the dogs you don't shoot.
00:05:36And I'm proud of what we've accomplished.
00:05:39I took this job with the goal of securing our border,
00:05:42deporting thousands of illegals,
00:05:44and spending $200 million on ads of me riding a horse.
00:05:49And I think I really nailed it.
00:05:52And by it, I mean my married co-worker
00:05:54in a big, beautiful flying bedroom
00:05:5730,000 feet over Minneapolis.
00:06:01And while I look forward to what comes next,
00:06:04leaving is bittersweet.
00:06:06But the time has come for me to turn in my badge,
00:06:09gun, lips, lashes, teeth, and forehead.
00:06:14But I'm so excited about my new job
00:06:17as Special Envoy to the Shield of the Americas.
00:06:20Something about President Trump.
00:06:22He created it for me.
00:06:24I just saw my new office,
00:06:25which is at a WeWork space outside of Denver,
00:06:29and it is spectacular.
00:06:31So this may be goodbye,
00:06:33but this isn't goodbye forever.
00:06:35Yeah, except that it is.
00:06:37Oh, okay.
00:06:37And live from New York, it's Saturday Night!
00:06:46It's Saturday Night Live!
00:06:50With...
00:06:51Michael Chang!
00:06:58Mikey Day!
00:07:05Andrew Dismute!
00:07:07Andrew Dismute!
00:07:14Chloe Fineman!
00:07:26Marcelo Fernandez!
00:07:31James Austin Johnson!
00:07:34James Austin Johnson!
00:07:42Colin Jost!
00:07:47Sarah Sherman!
00:07:53Kenan Thompson!
00:07:55Kenan Thompson!
00:07:59Featuring...
00:08:01Tommy Brennan!
00:08:05Jeremy Colhan!
00:08:11Dan Marshall!
00:08:18Ashley Padilla!
00:08:20Ashley Padilla!
00:08:22Cam Patterson!
00:08:24Cam Patterson!
00:08:26Veronica Slowikowska!
00:08:30Jane Wickline!
00:08:40Musical guest!
00:08:42Gorillaz!
00:08:45And your host,
00:08:47Brian Gosselin!
00:08:52Ladies and gentlemen,
00:08:55Brian Gosselin!
00:09:15Thank you!
00:09:18Thank you!
00:09:20Yeah!
00:09:20Thank you. Thank you very much.
00:09:24I'm thrilled to be back hosting, especially now.
00:09:27This is the perfect time to be in New York City.
00:09:30Early March.
00:09:33Right? No, it's beautiful.
00:09:37Is that Harry Styles?
00:09:54What are you doing here, man?
00:09:57Well, I'm hosting next week, and it's been a while.
00:10:05It's been a while, so I just wanted to watch, get a feel for it.
00:10:09Yeah, that's so professional. That's awesome.
00:10:12If you were here, I just wish someone would have told me.
00:10:17Anyway, welcome.
00:10:19Uh, I have a new movie coming out.
00:10:22It's called Project Harry Styles.
00:10:24Hello?
00:10:27Nope.
00:10:29Uh, be a good movie, though.
00:10:31Uh, it's called Project Hail Mary.
00:10:35It's so fun. Thank you.
00:10:37And, uh, people are saying it's, like, E.T. meets Interstellar,
00:10:43which is crazy because those are, like, what?
00:10:45Like, two of the best films of all time?
00:10:47So they're kind of, like, saying it's, like, what?
00:10:50Like, double that?
00:10:51I don't know. I didn't say it.
00:10:53I just... I've always loved making films about space.
00:10:56It's just something about them gives me perspective.
00:11:02It reminds me that the Earth, uh, is just a speck in the cosmos.
00:11:13I mean, look at that.
00:11:15The pale blue dot.
00:11:18That's us.
00:11:21On it.
00:11:22Everyone you know.
00:11:24Everyone you've ever heard of.
00:11:26Lived out their lives.
00:11:29Every king.
00:11:31Every peasant.
00:11:34Every... I'm sorry, why are we on Harry Styles?
00:11:39I don't know. I'm just listening.
00:11:42Well, could you listen less cool?
00:11:46It's like your coolness is becoming a bit of an issue.
00:11:50Anyway.
00:11:52Back to the pale blue dot.
00:11:55Home to every hero.
00:11:57Every villain.
00:11:58Every creator and destroyer of civilizations.
00:12:02Every young couple in love.
00:12:05Every what's going on.
00:12:06I'm just trying to understand why we'd be in a split screen.
00:12:11Come on, guys.
00:12:12Let's get rid of the split screen.
00:12:13Let's get rid of...
00:12:15Let's get rid of...
00:12:15And not...
00:12:18Not like that.
00:12:23Not like that.
00:12:25No.
00:12:25Not like that.
00:12:27You know what I meant.
00:12:29Come on.
00:12:29What's going on with camera two?
00:12:31What's going on?
00:12:33Okay.
00:12:35Okay.
00:12:37Okay.
00:12:39Hi.
00:12:40Hi.
00:12:41Look.
00:12:41We all heart Harry.
00:12:42Okay.
00:12:42Just get the stupid earth out of here.
00:12:44Get it out.
00:12:45Wait, Ryan.
00:12:46What's going on?
00:12:47Are we still going to do the big dance number?
00:12:49We're not going to do the number.
00:12:51Harry Styles is here and just everything is different now that Harry Styles is here.
00:12:56Harry Styles is here?
00:12:57Yeah.
00:12:58Get me to God's country.
00:13:02But Sarah, where are you going?
00:13:09You like my body, Harry?
00:13:14I'm kidding.
00:13:15All right.
00:13:16I'm sorry, ladies.
00:13:18We're not going to do the number.
00:13:19We just...
00:13:19We're running out of time.
00:13:21I'll just...
00:13:21I'll do this song.
00:13:22Thank you, Jenna.
00:13:23Do this song.
00:13:24In the movie...
00:13:26There's a song.
00:13:27It's a karaoke song.
00:13:28Sandra Huler sings it.
00:13:29It's just...
00:13:30It's very poignant.
00:13:31And it's the anthem of our generation.
00:13:33Some have said it's called Sign of the Times.
00:13:35And oh my God, it's by Harry Styles.
00:13:40Now I got to sing it in front of him.
00:13:43I love this for me.
00:13:49Just stop your crying.
00:13:51It's the sign of the times.
00:13:54Nobody wants this.
00:13:56Welcome to the final show.
00:13:58This is probably my final show.
00:14:01Hope you're wearing your best clothes.
00:14:03I genuinely hate this.
00:14:05You can't bribe your door on the way to the sky.
00:14:09It's like, why would his face be next to mine?
00:14:12You look pretty good down here.
00:14:14And he does look really good down there.
00:14:16But you ain't really good.
00:14:17Can we just please get him off the screen?
00:14:21No, ladies.
00:14:22I don't want to bring you into this.
00:14:24Honestly, this is not...
00:14:25You're better than this.
00:14:27I don't want to do this to you.
00:14:29I take a bullet right now.
00:14:31I take a bullet right now.
00:14:33I don't know what to do.
00:14:34What do I do?
00:14:37I'm just kidding.
00:14:41I'm just kidding.
00:14:41Oh, God.
00:14:43Oh, God.
00:14:47Oh, God.
00:14:48Oh, God.
00:14:50I promised myself I wouldn't do that.
00:14:55God.
00:14:57do you guys remember
00:14:58when I did that at the Oscars?
00:15:02It was like
00:15:04it was pretty cool. I just thought
00:15:06I had another one in me, I guess.
00:15:08Hey, hey.
00:15:14Don't be
00:15:16don't be sad, Rai Rai.
00:15:20Wait, wait.
00:15:22The most of the cast?
00:15:26Wow.
00:15:27You guys all came to help me
00:15:29because I'm like
00:15:31your favorite host of all time?
00:15:37That's so beautiful.
00:15:41That's so beautiful, Kenan.
00:15:43Yeah, no.
00:15:44What?
00:15:45We just came to get a better look at Harry.
00:15:49That's it.
00:15:51But I guess while we're here
00:15:55Just stop your crying
00:15:57It's the start of the time
00:15:59Everybody!
00:16:01We gotta get away from you
00:16:04We gotta get away
00:16:08We gotta play a show for you tonight!
00:16:11Girls are here!
00:16:14Harry Styles is hosting next week!
00:16:17Stick around, we'll be right back!
00:16:34All right, party people!
00:16:36Give it up for the bride and groom
00:16:37Mark and Ellie!
00:16:39Woo!
00:16:43Hey, we just wanted to thank you all for coming
00:16:46Yes, we know it was a long trip for some of y'all
00:16:51But I promise we plan to be married
00:16:53for the rest of our lives
00:16:55Although that's not always the case
00:16:57Right, Claudette?
00:17:01My husband died
00:17:05I did forget that
00:17:06And I apologize, Claudette
00:17:08But we genuinely love everyone in this room today
00:17:12And I love this man a little extra
00:17:15Ooh!
00:17:17Woo!
00:17:17Woo-hoo-hoo!
00:17:19Uh-oh
00:17:20Okay, we know what that means
00:17:23Yep, all right
00:17:24Come here, come here
00:17:26Mwah!
00:17:35Um, what just happened?
00:17:38With the clinking of the glasses?
00:17:40It's like a wedding tradition
00:17:42Yeah, if someone clinks their glass
00:17:44the bride and groom have to kiss
00:17:45Yeah
00:17:47They have to?
00:17:51Interesting
00:17:54They have to
00:18:02Well, there are a few people
00:18:04we want to thank today
00:18:05Um, my mom
00:18:07who went to every Goodwill in Binghamton
00:18:08Yes
00:18:09to find the brass candlesticks
00:18:10on your tables
00:18:21Kiss
00:18:24You have to
00:18:26Well, you don't have to tell me twice
00:18:29Mwah!
00:18:30And shout out
00:18:32to my best man
00:18:33for planning
00:18:33the bachelor party
00:18:35Trust me, babe
00:18:36Nothing bad happened
00:18:40Kiss
00:18:43I don't make the rules
00:18:46A lot of kisses
00:18:47Let's save some for the honeymoon
00:18:49Yeah, okay
00:18:49There you go
00:18:50Okay, anyway
00:18:51Before everyone hits the dance floor
00:18:53I just wanted to say
00:18:54um
00:18:54a quick word
00:18:56about someone we lost
00:18:57this year
00:18:57Thank you
00:18:58Um, my favorite person
00:18:59in the world
00:19:00My Nana
00:19:02Yeah, so whenever I pictured
00:19:10my wedding day
00:19:11I
00:19:13There you go
00:19:15I always pictured
00:19:16my Nana here
00:19:17but unfortunately
00:19:18that wasn't God's plan
00:19:20So
00:19:29Okay, I think we're done
00:19:30with the kissing
00:19:32Whoever's doing that
00:19:33we're all set
00:19:34It's him
00:19:35The guy who's dressed
00:19:37like Reba McIntyre
00:19:38at the Grammys
00:19:41Guilty as charged
00:19:43Who let the kiss out?
00:19:45Smooch
00:19:46Smooch
00:19:47Smooch
00:19:47Smooch
00:19:48Smooch
00:19:49I'm sorry
00:19:50Who are you?
00:19:53Put it this way
00:19:54I'm your favorite comedian's
00:19:56favorite comedian
00:19:59Uh, no
00:19:59Uh, that's Donathan
00:20:01Uh
00:20:02I backed into him
00:20:03with my car
00:20:04and he said
00:20:06in lieu of going
00:20:06through insurance
00:20:07I could just invite him
00:20:09to my wedding
00:20:14I'm clinking the bottom
00:20:15of the glass
00:20:17When I clink the top
00:20:18of the glass
00:20:19you kiss on the lips
00:20:22So when I
00:20:30Guess
00:20:30Guess what body part
00:20:33I want you to kiss now
00:20:36The poosie
00:20:42The poosie?
00:20:44I'm not going to kiss
00:20:45my wife's poosie
00:20:48Wouldn't kill you
00:20:52I don't know about that
00:20:54Apparently that's actually
00:20:56how Claudette's husband died
00:21:00My husband died of leukemia
00:21:04Well that just chilled the room
00:21:08Now we need a kiss
00:21:09more than ever
00:21:12Okay
00:21:13Someone take
00:21:14Donathan's knife away please
00:21:16Let's just move on
00:21:17Ellie's sibling
00:21:19are going to say
00:21:20a quick toast
00:21:21Woo
00:21:22Hi
00:21:23Hello everyone
00:21:24Hi
00:21:30I'm doing the siblings now
00:21:34Kiss
00:21:35Stop
00:21:36We're brother and sister
00:21:37man
00:21:38And yet
00:21:39the rules are the rules
00:21:41Stop
00:21:44Stop
00:21:44Stop
00:21:45What are you doing?
00:21:48Go
00:21:48Go go
00:21:50Think about what you just did
00:21:53That was insane
00:21:59All right look
00:22:00Jonathan
00:22:01Bud
00:22:02I'm sorry
00:22:03But we want you to leave
00:22:05And I want to watch
00:22:06some kisses
00:22:09But before I go
00:22:11I have one final question
00:22:13I have one final question
00:22:14This is the groom's class
00:22:16If I clink the stem
00:22:20Will he kick his
00:22:21Will he kiss his own
00:22:24Poonus?
00:22:28No
00:22:29No
00:22:30Yeah I'm not kissing my own
00:22:32Poonus
00:22:33Donathan
00:22:33We're done kissing
00:22:35Oh whatever
00:22:35Come on babe
00:22:37Let's get out of here
00:22:37I don't know you
00:22:41Then I'll go with my second choice
00:22:42Let's go Claudette
00:22:44All right
00:22:45I don't love being second
00:22:46But I'm down
00:22:56On a sunny day
00:22:58I don't want to wear long sleeves
00:23:00But with my plaque psoriasis
00:23:02I don't have another choice
00:23:03Worst of all
00:23:04It robbed me of my confidence
00:23:06That's when my doctor told me about Otesla
00:23:10Otesla is the number one prescribed treatment
00:23:12For moderate to severe plaque psoriasis
00:23:15Now I feel like me again
00:23:16Otesla is not a cream
00:23:18And it's not an injection
00:23:19Otesla isn't a patch
00:23:20A liquid medicine
00:23:21Or an inhaler
00:23:22Hmm
00:23:23So what is it
00:23:24We
00:23:26Don't know
00:23:27Huh
00:23:28We don't know what Otesla is
00:23:30Or how it got here
00:23:31And we don't know what it wants
00:23:33But we do know that it treats plaque psoriasis
00:23:35And that we can't stop it
00:23:37And now
00:23:37I'm the king of the dance floor
00:23:39It looks like a pill
00:23:41But that may be what Otesla wants us to believe
00:23:44On security footage
00:23:45When humans look away
00:23:46It becomes something else
00:23:48Either way
00:23:49I've got my confidence back
00:23:51Otesla has no known weaknesses
00:23:54Or vulnerabilities
00:23:55It cannot be created or destroyed
00:23:57Ask your doctor if Otesla is right for you
00:24:00And ask an old blind man
00:24:02If Otesla was foretold
00:24:03Otesla works fast
00:24:05And we believe plaque psoriasis might be its food
00:24:07Best of all
00:24:08Otesla is covered by most insurers
00:24:10Worst of all
00:24:11Otesla appears to be moving through time
00:24:13Differently than we are
00:24:15So our future is its past
00:24:17Otesla has been with us before
00:24:19Always right before a major leap
00:24:21In civilization
00:24:21Perhaps nudging humanity forward
00:24:24Optimistically
00:24:25This could be Otesla's way
00:24:26Of guiding humanity
00:24:28To one day create Otesla
00:24:30Or pessimistically
00:24:31To a future of enslavement
00:24:33Nine out of ten dermatologists
00:24:35Recommend Otesla
00:24:36The tenth dermatologist
00:24:37Carved a bunch of numbers
00:24:38Into a wall
00:24:39And then shot himself
00:24:40I'm open
00:24:40Some people
00:24:41May be allergic to Otesla
00:24:43If you're allergic
00:24:44You may be the key
00:24:45The secret weapon
00:24:46We need to fight back
00:24:46And now
00:24:47I can dance the night away
00:24:49Do not take Otesla
00:24:52If you are pregnant
00:24:53Nursing
00:24:53Or taking other plaque psoriasis medications
00:24:55Especially Skyrizi
00:24:57Otesla is either working with
00:24:59Or the mortal enemy
00:25:00Of Skyrizi
00:25:02It's possible that one has been sent
00:25:04To protect us
00:25:05And one to kill us
00:25:06If one molecule of Otesla
00:25:08Touched one molecule of Skyrizi
00:25:10Space and time
00:25:11Would collapse
00:25:12So say goodbye to plaque psoriasis
00:25:14Thanks to Otesla
00:25:16Whatever it may be
00:25:17Or want
00:25:19O, O, O, O, Otesla
00:25:22What do you mean it's taken?
00:25:25Thank you
00:25:32On a quest for the treasure of Dahlor
00:25:35The three Cyclopses
00:25:37Slayed the evil Bogrog
00:25:38And arrived at the ancient temple
00:25:41Where they were greeted
00:25:42By the beautiful maidens
00:25:44Of the vault
00:25:46Hello
00:25:47We are here for the treasure
00:25:50Treasure
00:25:52Your treasure awaits you
00:25:54Brave one-eyed warriors
00:25:56Behind this locked door
00:25:58Though the Cyclops
00:26:00Is the realm's simplest creature
00:26:02You have passed every test
00:26:03Of strength on your quest
00:26:05And now you face the test
00:26:07Of the mind
00:26:10Why?
00:26:12Because that is what the ancient ones devised
00:26:15To open the door
00:26:16You must solve a riddle
00:26:19We don't have a riddle
00:26:22No
00:26:23We have the riddle
00:26:27Can we have the riddle?
00:26:29We need a riddle to open the door
00:26:31No, no
00:26:32We say a riddle
00:26:35And you answer it
00:26:39Why?
00:26:40Wait
00:26:41Because that is how it works
00:26:45Can you open the door?
00:26:47Not right now, no
00:26:49Well, when can you open the door?
00:26:54After you solve the riddle
00:26:56Now listen closely
00:26:59For I will tell you
00:27:02The riddle
00:27:03What?
00:27:04Listen
00:27:05Not physically close
00:27:06Just go back
00:27:07Go back
00:27:08Go back
00:27:08Wife
00:27:10Go back
00:27:10Stop
00:27:11Go back
00:27:12Wife
00:27:12Not your wife
00:27:13Get, get, back
00:27:14Wife
00:27:15Go back
00:27:19Stop
00:27:20Go back
00:27:21Go back
00:27:22Stop, stop
00:27:23You are his wife
00:27:24Go back
00:27:25You are his wife
00:27:25Go, go
00:27:26You are his wife
00:27:27Go back
00:27:33Stop
00:27:39Stop
00:27:41Stop
00:27:44Let me say it
00:27:45Stop
00:27:47Stop
00:27:50I have hands and a face
00:27:52Though I am not of human stock
00:27:55I mark the hours of each day
00:27:57I am a ticking
00:27:59Okay
00:28:00Hands and a face
00:28:01Hands and a face
00:28:02I am a ticking
00:28:03Can you open the door?
00:28:09No
00:28:09No, you must answer the riddle first
00:28:13I have hands and a face
00:28:16Though I am not of human stock
00:28:18I mark the hours of each day
00:28:21I am a ticking
00:28:23Hat
00:28:24Hat
00:28:24Hat
00:28:25Hat
00:28:25Is not the answer we seek
00:28:27The answer was clock
00:28:32But the door did not open
00:28:33Okay, stop, stop
00:28:34Stop
00:28:35Stop
00:28:36My friends
00:28:38Listen, please
00:28:39We want you to win here
00:28:41We have guarded this door
00:28:43For one thousand years
00:28:45Opening it
00:28:47Will set us free
00:28:49We will give you another riddle
00:28:53I cannot be seen, but can make trees bend. I whistle without my mouth. I am the howling.
00:29:04Hurt! Stop it. No, no, no. Try. Stop, stop, stop. I'm going in the door. No, don't go in there.
00:29:10Stop.
00:29:10I'm going in the door. I'm going in the door. Stop it. Stop it. Go back. Try again. Think, my
00:29:15friends. Think. Stop it. Stop it. This is my door. Stop.
00:29:22Stop. Please, my lord. Please, God. Stop. I'm begging you, please.
00:29:30Why? Please, God. Why? Please. Stop it.
00:29:39Huh. No.
00:29:44I cannot be seen, but make trees bend. I whistle without a mouth.
00:29:52I am the howling.
00:29:56Can you open the door?
00:29:57No.
00:29:58No, no. One more chance.
00:30:02The answer is not hat.
00:30:05I cannot be seen, but make trees bend. I whistle without a mouth. I am the howling.
00:30:11And the answer is not hat.
00:30:18Not hat.
00:30:20Oh. Oh, my God. No. The answer was wind.
00:30:25But the wind's not a hat.
00:30:28I guess that's technically true. Okay. The wind is not a hat. So, um, congratulations. You solved the riddle.
00:30:37The treasure is yours.
00:30:42Yes.
00:30:47Guys, I got the treasure.
00:30:50That's the key for the door.
00:30:52Oh! That's a... Okay, fine. Goodbye!
00:30:55Thank you for your time.
00:30:55Thank you for your time.
00:30:55Thank you for your time.
00:31:11Congratulations!
00:31:13You, special few, found a golden donut
00:31:17and have won the chance to tour
00:31:19Monty McTreat's
00:31:21Famous Pastry Bakery!
00:31:24And your tour guide
00:31:25will be none other than Monty McTreat's
00:31:28the famous baker of sugary sweets!
00:31:30Boo!
00:31:33McTreat's is a bore!
00:31:36On opposite day...
00:31:38What's him? Monty McTreat's!
00:31:40Tis I, tis me, tis us, tis we!
00:31:45And you, lucky few, are about to be
00:31:48the first visitors ever.
00:31:50Believe me when I say,
00:31:51you won't believe your eyes.
00:31:53When you look ye at our cookies
00:31:55and you gaze upon our pies
00:31:58Our donuts are the glaziest!
00:31:59Our waffle cones the tastiest!
00:32:01And our cupcakes, for goodness sake,
00:32:03they're simply the cupcake-iest!
00:32:05Oh my goodness!
00:32:07What are those charming little creatures?
00:32:10Why, those are my do-de-dees.
00:32:13Over one thousand of those pudgy little pals
00:32:15work in my bakery.
00:32:18No tummy aches or sugar crushes.
00:32:21Just cupcakes and milk mustaches.
00:32:23Just desserts, scores you'll see!
00:32:24Open the doors and follow me
00:32:27into my tasty pastry bakery!
00:32:37Oh! Oh my god!
00:32:40A do-de-dee hung itself with the...
00:32:43Shhh! Shhh!
00:32:43Close the door!
00:32:44Let go of me!
00:32:45I'm sorry!
00:32:46The tour will begin soon.
00:32:48In the meantime, enjoy some cookies!
00:32:51Sir!
00:32:51Yes?
00:32:52The doors are jammed!
00:32:53We need Leonard!
00:32:54Who is Leonard?
00:32:55Hello?
00:32:56Fix the doors and cut that thing down!
00:32:58Hey, boys and girls, guess what?
00:32:59The tour is now taking place
00:33:01in the loading bay!
00:33:03Bunch of more dead ones back there.
00:33:05What?
00:33:05Well, it's springtime!
00:33:06And that's when they mate!
00:33:08And you know, after they mate
00:33:09the males off themselves
00:33:10to free up resources
00:33:11for the women and the babies.
00:33:12Jesus!
00:33:13Oh, no, it's not sad!
00:33:14It's just what they do!
00:33:16Don't you know anything about their society?
00:33:18And culture and religion?
00:33:19I didn't know they had any of that stuff!
00:33:21I thought they were like animals!
00:33:23I just shoved them in nets
00:33:24and I shipped them here!
00:33:25You what?
00:33:25What?
00:33:26Hey, look over here!
00:33:28Would you like to hear a joke?
00:33:30Why do golfers love donuts?
00:33:32Excuse me!
00:33:33Isn't there a more respectful way
00:33:35to get it down?
00:33:37Daniel!
00:33:38What are you doing?
00:33:39I'm trying to get it down!
00:33:40Well, if you're just gonna poke it
00:33:42with a giant spoon,
00:33:43I would prefer that you leave it there!
00:33:46Here's a fun fact.
00:33:47The walls behind me are a thousand cookies tall.
00:33:52Why?
00:33:53To keep my secret recipes a secret.
00:33:57How do you get your jellies jelling?
00:33:59Two tablespoons of I'm not jelling.
00:34:02How do you make a perfect dough?
00:34:05Add a little pinch of you'll never know.
00:34:13It's okay.
00:34:14He's just napping.
00:34:16No one's buying that.
00:34:17Sir!
00:34:17The doors are working.
00:34:19Thank God.
00:34:22Pardon our dust, folks.
00:34:24We'll be back before you can frost a flame.
00:34:26No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
00:34:28No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:34:42Ladies and gentlemen, gorillas.
00:35:00I ain't happy, I'm feeling that I got sunshine in a bag, I'm useless, but not for long, the future
00:35:10is coming on
00:35:12I ain't happy, I'm feeling that I got sunshine in a bag, I'm useless, but not for long, the future
00:35:22is coming on
00:35:23It's coming on, it's coming on, it's coming on, it's coming on
00:35:29Yo, finally, someone let me out of my cage, now time for me is nothing, cause I'm counting no eggs
00:35:35No, I couldn't be there, yo, you shouldn't be scared, yo, I'm cool with repairs, and I'm under your snare
00:35:41Intangible, bet you clear things so I command you too, panoramic view, y'all make it all manageable
00:35:46They can choose, sit and lose, all you different grooves, chicks and dudes, so you think it's really kicking tunes
00:35:52Picture you getting down in a picture too, like you nicked a fuse, you think intentional, mystical, maybe spiritual
00:36:00Hero who appear to you, the three of you, and you're too crazy
00:36:03Righteous, the seventh definition of a life is vice, listen y'all, cause I put you on the hype
00:36:09You like it, gun smoke, you righteous with one toe, psych is a bundle, cause there's you a warrior
00:36:15I ain't happy, I'm feeling glad I got sunshine in a bag, I'm useless, but not for long, the future
00:36:24is coming on
00:36:26It's coming on, it's coming on, it's coming on, it's coming on, it's coming on, it's coming on
00:36:56See with your eyes and see destruction and demise
00:36:59Corruption and disguise from this enterprise
00:37:02A certainty alive through Russell
00:37:04Not his muscle but percussion he provides
00:37:06For me as your guide
00:37:08Y'all can see me now and you don't see with your eye
00:37:10You can see with your mind and that's the inner
00:37:13So I'ma stick around with Russ and be a mentor
00:37:16Clown all these fools, make sure they remember what the thought is
00:37:19I brought all this so y'all can survive
00:37:22When law is lawless
00:37:23Feeling sensations you thought was dead
00:37:26No squealing, remember that's on your head
00:37:29I ain't happy, I'm feeling glad
00:37:32I got sunshine in a bag
00:37:35I'm useless, but not for long
00:37:38The future is coming on
00:37:40I ain't happy, I'm feeling glad
00:37:43I got sunshine in a bag
00:37:46I'm useless, but not for long
00:37:49The future is coming on
00:37:52It's coming on
00:37:53It's coming on
00:38:06It's coming on
00:38:49Oh
00:39:07It's weekend update with Colin jose at michael chan
00:39:19thank you very much thank you thank you good evening everyone welcome to weekend update
00:39:24i'm michael chay i'm colin jost
00:39:28well homeland security secretary christy noem has been fired
00:39:36wait what why i mean name one to twenty things she did wrong
00:39:43was it calling the innocent guy they shot a domestic terrorist
00:39:47was it spending 220 million dollars of taxpayer money on an ad campaign where she dressed up like
00:39:54jesse from toy story
00:39:58she's so happy riding the horse in this i bet his name is cory lewandowski
00:40:07you know on some level i feel bad for christy noem imagine being singled out as the worst member of
00:40:13trump's cabinet that's like someone coming up to you at a party and saying we think you should leave
00:40:19you're making diddy uncomfortable
00:40:24president trump said he will reassign christy noem
00:40:26to be special envoy for the shield of the americas
00:40:30which is a brand new department located on a farm upstate
00:40:35the cia is reportedly working to arm local militias in iran
00:40:39with the hopes that they will lead an uprising
00:40:42hey work great in afghanistan
00:40:46president trump said that he should be involved in choosing iran's next supreme leader
00:40:52so congrats to new supreme leader ayatollah jared kushnari
00:40:59the prediction market site kalshi is being sued for failing to pay out 54 million dollars
00:41:05to people who bet that the ayatollah khamenei would leave office before march 1st
00:41:10because technically he never really left the office
00:41:15oh a lot of ayatollah fans here tonight
00:41:17wow
00:41:19donald trump announced that he will attend the white house correspondence dinner
00:41:23which will be hosted by famous mind reader
00:41:26ose perlman
00:41:27big deal even i can read trump's mind
00:41:29uh dementia
00:41:34officials in new mexico are reopening investigations into the ranch that jeffrey epstein owned
00:41:39and they should have known something was up when epstein's ranch was all ponies
00:41:47really bumming them out there
00:41:48health secretary robert f kennedy jr who is what happens if you leave walton goggins in an air fryer
00:42:02said that he will challenge dunkin donuts to prove that their sugary drinks are safe
00:42:08you know what that means a push-up contest with ben affleck
00:42:13a rash has appeared on president trump's neck which is just above his collar apparently someone accidentally washed his shirt
00:42:21in holy water
00:42:32warner
00:42:33warner brothers
00:42:34warner brothers world abu dhabi is officially developing harry potter themed land in the united arab emirates
00:42:41so hopefully they know the spell for misalum deflectus
00:42:44i love it two employees at a smoothie king in michigan were reportedly fired after refusing to serve a smoothie
00:42:57to a man
00:42:58who was wearing a president trump hoodie which is crazy
00:43:01i mean what happened to being sybil and just serving a smoothie with spitting it
00:43:08timothy chalamet is being criticized by major opera and ballet organizations
00:43:13after he said that no one cares about those art forms
00:43:16chalamet made the comment on a press tour for his movie about ping pong
00:43:25a passenger on japan airlines posted a picture of a seat cushion on the plane that features a cheek splitter
00:43:32wedge
00:43:32in the middle which is very confusing because cheek splitter is also the japanese title for heated rivalry
00:43:46in the front row that got a couple
00:43:51an etiquette expert is saying that the proper way to eat cereal is with a spoon in one hand and
00:43:56a fork in the other
00:43:58the fork is to attack anyone that comes from me lucky charms
00:44:05this is so dumb
00:44:08astronomers say that they have discovered what they are calling a dark galaxy
00:44:12after they got off the wrong exit in atlanta
00:44:19kensucky police arrested a man after he was caught having sex with a dead deer
00:44:25i know worse it wasn't dead when he started
00:44:27thank you
00:44:34it's a weird transition
00:44:35and march is women's history month
00:44:41women's history month
00:44:44celebrating all those ladies who did that stuff
00:44:47good job girlies
00:44:54oh this is our emby show
00:44:57with so much negativity in the world i thought we all needed a little boost
00:45:01so since it's technically sunday morning i asked the official weekend update pastor to give us
00:45:05a little uplift
00:45:06please welcome pastor update and his band leader teddy
00:45:38blessings
00:45:39blessings
00:45:59thank you
00:46:02thank you
00:46:04amen amen amen brother
00:46:07hey
00:46:09what do you think about them snacks teddy
00:46:10hey you can have all the meat you want but if it ain't a sandwich you ain't got no bread
00:46:14all right
00:46:20okay
00:46:20okay
00:46:22i mean that was great but i was kind of hoping you could say something that would feel you know
00:46:27unifying
00:46:27oh absolutely
00:46:28bow your head
00:46:29okay
00:46:30father got lord jesus
00:46:33we got to come together
00:46:36no matter who you are
00:46:38no matter what your skin color
00:46:41no matter if you're a man or a woman
00:46:46i especially want to thank god for making woman
00:46:49beautiful woman
00:46:51y'all know the kind
00:46:53apple bottom jeans
00:46:56boots with the fur
00:46:59big old forehead
00:47:01and the curvature
00:47:03mm
00:47:05oh we love the curvature of an ample big four headed woman
00:47:10rihanna
00:47:12tyra
00:47:14zoe de chanel
00:47:15what you hiding under them bangs i know is crazy
00:47:21amen
00:47:23amen
00:47:24what's your thoughts on that teddy
00:47:26hey if you shake it more than twice you're playing with it all right
00:47:34you okay teddy
00:47:36well speaking of bang bang
00:47:38uh chay
00:47:39whatever happened to that rendezvous that you had with abbott elementary's
00:47:43cheryl lee ralph
00:47:45i don't know cheryl lee ralph
00:47:47oh that's not what you told me you said that you wanted her to cheryl on your lee until you
00:47:51ralphed
00:47:52no
00:47:53i have never met cheryl ralph
00:47:55look i'm just asking for a nice prayer something that gives everybody encouragement
00:47:59oh oh i see what why didn't you say so
00:48:01come on come on pray with me chay
00:48:03okay
00:48:05father god lord jesus
00:48:07we pray that chay finds peace
00:48:10we pray that he finds love
00:48:13we pray that he gets off his laptop looking at them nasty pictures on the computer
00:48:19nasty videos
00:48:20cause lord chay is gooning
00:48:24gooning in the living room
00:48:26gooning in the kitchen lord
00:48:30he's gooning in his office with the door locked up
00:48:33laptop heavy with sin
00:48:37computer got so many viruses than he do
00:48:42laptop sounds like a lawn mower when they turn it on
00:48:45that is theictives on time to update everybody
00:48:48well stop your gooning chicks
00:48:49I'm not you!
00:48:51I'm not you!
00:48:52I'm not you!
00:48:53I'm not you!
00:48:54I'm not you!
00:49:09Settle!
00:49:09Settle!
00:49:10Excuse me!
00:49:11Hello!
00:49:12Hello!
00:49:12Quiet!
00:49:13Oh my gosh!
00:49:14Is there a young person's slang term for be quiet that you'll actually hear?
00:49:17Uh, oh, yes.
00:49:19Uh, it is chode.
00:49:22Chode.
00:49:23Good to know.
00:49:24Okay.
00:49:24Principal Witt is here to speak to you all about the bullying problem that we've been having.
00:49:30Thank you, Miss Perry.
00:49:32As you know, the school's policy on bullying is no bullying.
00:49:37That extends to things like gossip and rumors.
00:49:41Oh, I'm sorry.
00:49:42Hold on, Principal Witt.
00:49:43What? What's going on?
00:49:43Owen.
00:49:44Owen, are you passing a note?
00:49:45Give it to me, Owen.
00:49:46No.
00:49:46Are you passing a note?
00:49:48This is exactly what Principal Witt is talking about.
00:49:51Come on, Owen.
00:49:52How about I share this with the class, huh?
00:49:54No, no, no, no.
00:49:55Please don't read that, Miss P. Please.
00:49:57You know my rule.
00:49:59God, Owen.
00:49:59If I catch you passing a note, I'm gonna read it out loud.
00:50:02Now we all get to hear about who's smooching who, huh?
00:50:07I'm so sick of it.
00:50:11Oh, it's about me.
00:50:12Oh, it's about me.
00:50:14Yo, real talk.
00:50:16I sat behind Miss P on the bus when we took that field trip last week.
00:50:21She was on her phone.
00:50:22She uploaded a picture of herself to ChatGPT and said, do you have any...
00:50:31She said, do you have any makeover tips for me?
00:50:36And ChatGPT just answered no.
00:50:40Pretty sad, bro.
00:50:43Come on, Owen.
00:50:44Well, at least you're not gossiping about each other, huh?
00:50:47Principal Witt, I'm sorry.
00:50:48Go ahead.
00:50:50Right.
00:50:51Now, let me explain something, okay?
00:50:54People say, I wasn't bullying him.
00:50:56I was roasting him.
00:50:57Okay, what's the difference?
00:50:58Roasting is bullying that's really funny.
00:51:00And that's it.
00:51:01That's the only difference.
00:51:03Yep, yep.
00:51:03Excuse me.
00:51:04Gavin, Gavin.
00:51:06Are you seriously passing a note while I'm talking?
00:51:08No, I'm not.
00:51:09Give it...
00:51:11Gavin?
00:51:12Gavin?
00:51:13Gavin?
00:51:15Please.
00:51:16It's all wet, Gavin.
00:51:18Please, Mr. Witt, don't read that.
00:51:20It's legit embarrassing.
00:51:22Well, let's see about that, shall we?
00:51:24Okay?
00:51:26Don't tell anyone this, but I came to school early the other day
00:51:29and Principal Witt was in the school gym shooting hoops.
00:51:33Oh, okay.
00:51:34Oh, God.
00:51:35I saw him miss 133 layups in a row.
00:51:41After each miss, he said, there's gotta be a way to do this.
00:51:48When he finally made one, he tried to celebrate by ripping his T-shirt in half, but he couldn't do
00:51:56it.
00:51:56He just stretched it out really bad.
00:52:01It was weird.
00:52:02Well, the only person that embarrassed was you.
00:52:06Okay?
00:52:07All right, well, I don't know why I'm getting in trouble.
00:52:09Dante passed me this note earlier, and you didn't even know.
00:52:11Oh, really?
00:52:12You a snitch!
00:52:12Oh, my gosh!
00:52:13Are you kidding me?
00:52:14Is this note about something you saw myself or Principal Witt do?
00:52:18No, no, it's not.
00:52:20Good.
00:52:22So I didn't see this personally, but my cousin did.
00:52:29She works at a gynecologist's office.
00:52:34Bro, she saw Miss P pacing outside, trying to psych herself up to go in.
00:52:41She was saying to herself, come on, Eileen.
00:52:43They've seen it a hundred times.
00:52:49You can't have the worst one in the world.
00:52:54Just tuck it in.
00:52:58Mark in there, and say, and say, it happened again.
00:53:07Wow, okay.
00:53:08Wow.
00:53:09That is nasty.
00:53:11Okay, it's fine.
00:53:12I don't care.
00:53:13That is so bad.
00:53:14God.
00:53:14Guys, I suggest you all chode, okay?
00:53:16Just chode it up.
00:53:17Just chode it up.
00:53:18All of you.
00:53:19Chode.
00:53:19Chode it up.
00:53:20Mandy, are you kidding me?
00:53:21Come on, Mandy.
00:53:22Oh, we weren't.
00:53:23I'm sorry.
00:53:24I never expected...
00:53:25I never expected this from you, Mandy.
00:53:28You're such a good student, and you have so few friends.
00:53:31Oh.
00:53:32Here you go.
00:53:35This happened a few years ago.
00:53:37I went to see Barbie...
00:53:40with my sister, and Principal Witt was there.
00:53:43He bought an entire row for himself.
00:53:48Every time the Ken character came on screen, he'd say,
00:53:53finally something to look at.
00:53:58If I were still gay...
00:54:03I'd do him.
00:54:05Wow.
00:54:06Oh, my God.
00:54:07Well, I have...
00:54:09I refuse to apologize for being right.
00:54:14Okay?
00:54:15Yo, Miss P, I caught Dante passing another one.
00:54:17Can I read it?
00:54:19Sure, Tyler.
00:54:20Go ahead.
00:54:22Like...
00:54:24Yo.
00:54:25I think Tyler is an undercover cop.
00:54:29Bro looks like he's in his 40s.
00:54:33He's absolutely caked in makeup.
00:54:36One time, he dropped his wallet, and a picture of his wife fell out.
00:54:43No shade, but she looked almost exactly like Jelly Roll.
00:54:51P.S. Have you seen what's in Miss P's desk?
00:54:56My desk?
00:54:57Is community property?
00:54:58Are we kidding?
00:54:59Okay, you know what?
00:54:59I have nothing to hide.
00:55:00You think I care?
00:55:01Huh?
00:55:08Huh?
00:55:08You think I care about this?
00:55:14You think I care about lunch number two?
00:55:21How much spaghetti?
00:55:25Well, now that you've seen it, I guess I don't have to eat it in my car anymore.
00:55:31You know what?
00:55:32Class is missed.
00:55:33I'm done with you.
00:55:34Class is missed.
00:55:36Class is missed.
00:55:47Once again, gorillas.
00:55:50peux
00:56:00Love me.
00:56:03Oh...
00:56:18SONG
00:56:19Where I brought my tears
00:56:24Lit the lantern
00:56:29On my childhood field
00:56:34If you're leaving
00:56:38Don't make it harder than it is
00:56:44Let me know
00:56:48So I can say goodbye
00:56:52The things I
00:56:57Swore I'd never become
00:57:02Like the vastness of the river
00:57:07The cradle light they dump
00:57:11And you are taking so long now
00:57:16While my voice not strong now
00:57:23It's because
00:57:24You'll never recognize me again
00:57:27If you've ever traveled on a mountain
00:57:31For the things I
00:57:35Swore I'd never become
00:57:40Like the vastness of the river
00:57:44In the cradle light they dump me
00:57:49Even before we feel like
00:57:53I've never born with you
00:57:58The destiny's forever coming
00:58:02With our dreams
00:58:06Like the vastness
00:58:16Yes please
00:58:20Grilling beginning
00:58:21One more time for the top
00:58:29Yo I could
00:58:30Like a butterfly
00:58:31Give me any
00:58:32I'ma let it slide
00:58:33Bet you I'ma
00:58:33Like I'm in the sky
00:58:35Like a power
00:58:35When I let the ideas just
00:58:37Up high like a new hot
00:58:39To be a goal
00:58:40Only way I
00:58:40Treat it like it's gossip
00:58:42And jest
00:58:42Then watch this
00:58:43Yo I could
00:58:44Like no other guy
00:58:45Give me any
00:58:46I'ma let it ride
00:58:47Bet you I'ma
00:58:47Like it's been a vibe
00:58:49I'ma jest
00:58:49Then check it
00:58:50Yo I can telescopic
00:58:52For profit
00:58:52When I float topic
00:58:53The topic
00:58:54Is it hip hop
00:58:55Is it gothic
00:58:56Can it fit into a corner pocket
00:58:57Is it hovering up on the surface
00:58:59Is it bang
00:59:00Where the megahertz is
00:59:01Where the mass jet
00:59:02Where the church is
00:59:03Or the last days
00:59:04Where the earth is
00:59:05It's a movie
00:59:05Listen to me
00:59:06They have given the permission
00:59:08To me to move like
00:59:09Mr. Halloumi
00:59:10When I leave here
00:59:11Don't pursue me
00:59:11Let me float topic
00:59:13The topic
00:59:13From the posthit
00:59:14To the mosh pit
00:59:15To the ghost watch
00:59:16And the folk clock
00:59:17And the most popular optic
00:59:18Spread it all around
00:59:19From the small town
00:59:20To the empire
00:59:21For the fall down
00:59:22The energy
00:59:23To throw the wall down
00:59:24The mothership
00:59:25Won't crawl down
00:59:26Like force
00:59:26The heat gon' be sports
00:59:28The beat gon' need force
00:59:30It sound down
00:59:31Like awesome
00:59:32But downtown light
00:59:33Different than the sounds
00:59:34Y'all like
00:59:35Let me break it down
00:59:36For a light
00:59:36Yeah
00:59:37Turn it out
00:59:54Forget it about this
00:59:56Forget it about this
01:00:10Babe
01:00:11Thanks for coming
01:00:13On my work trip
01:00:13With me babe
01:00:14Sorry I had so many
01:00:15Meetings all weekend
01:00:16Babe
01:00:17It was a free trip
01:00:18To phoenix
01:00:18I'm not complaining
01:00:20Hi
01:00:21Hi there
01:00:22Hi sorry
01:00:23Hi we're just checking out
01:00:24Mitchell room 1020
01:00:26Okay
01:00:26Ooh la la
01:00:28Junior suite
01:00:29Well the room
01:00:31Was prepaid
01:00:32But I do need to confirm
01:00:33Some incidental charges
01:00:34Okay
01:00:35I have cashews
01:00:36From the minibar
01:00:37For twelve dollars
01:00:38Ooh
01:00:39Guilty
01:00:41Cashew girl
01:00:42Uh oh
01:00:43A 90 minute
01:00:44Shiatsu massage
01:00:46From the spa
01:00:47For 215
01:00:48Yep
01:00:49Guilty
01:00:49Looks like a couple
01:00:51Bottles of Fiji water
01:00:52Yep
01:00:53Yep
01:00:54Yep
01:00:54Okay
01:00:54And then twelve hundred dollars
01:00:56For two visits
01:00:57From the goo goo man
01:01:01I'm sorry
01:01:02I'm sorry
01:01:03What
01:01:03Yeah yeah
01:01:03Back up
01:01:04What was that
01:01:04Last charge bud
01:01:05Uh that's twelve hundred dollars
01:01:08For two in room visits
01:01:09From the hotel's
01:01:10Goo goo man
01:01:12No
01:01:12That's a mistake
01:01:13Yeah we're not paying
01:01:14For that
01:01:15Okay
01:01:16I only got one visit
01:01:18From the goo goo man
01:01:19Oh I see
01:01:20Yeah
01:01:21Douglas
01:01:22What's happening
01:01:23Well that's what
01:01:24I'm trying to figure out babe
01:01:26Dude
01:01:26The goo goo man
01:01:28Only came once
01:01:30Okay well I'm happy
01:01:31To show you
01:01:32An itemized bill
01:01:33Do
01:01:33Do
01:01:34Get comfy folks
01:01:35Cause this could take a while
01:01:36Oh hey
01:01:37Yeah
01:01:37Douglas
01:01:38What is the goo goo man
01:01:39It is not something
01:01:40That costs twelve hundred dollars babe
01:01:42Okay let me just
01:01:43Pull that up for you
01:01:45And here you are sir
01:01:47Thank you
01:01:47Take a look
01:01:47Okay
01:01:48Uh okay
01:01:50Goo goo man deluxe
01:01:51Yes
01:01:52Um tummy time
01:01:53Sure
01:01:55Huddle car
01:01:56Yes
01:01:56Um
01:01:57That's right
01:01:58Nom noms
01:02:00Yeah
01:02:00Wait a second
01:02:01No no no no
01:02:01See dude
01:02:02This is what I'm saying
01:02:03I got the wacky pack upgrade
01:02:05Nom noms are included
01:02:08How do I explain this to him babe
01:02:09I don't know
01:02:12I don't understand
01:02:13Anything you're saying right now
01:02:15And like what is this
01:02:16Uh that's the goo goo accessories rental fee
01:02:20Gotcha
01:02:21Interesting
01:02:21Follow up question
01:02:22Why would I rent goo goo accessories
01:02:27Like it doesn't make sense
01:02:28Why would I rent goo goo accessories
01:02:31When I already brought them from home
01:02:36Like what do you think babe
01:02:37Like do you think that I would rent
01:02:39Goo goo goggles when I have them of my own
01:02:42Who are you
01:02:44Hi I'm so sorry
01:02:46An older gentleman has fallen by the pool
01:02:48Oh hey there I'm sorry
01:02:50There's this new thing that people are doing
01:02:51It's called waiting your turn
01:02:52You should try
01:02:55Jesus
01:02:56Uh sir perhaps you read the pricing incorrectly
01:03:00Question are you her
01:03:02No
01:03:02Then why are you jerking me around
01:03:10Congrats bro
01:03:12I'm officially pissed off
01:03:13So get your manager now
01:03:15Of course sir
01:03:17Hey FYI
01:03:18If anyone else got the in room goo goo man visit
01:03:21You should check your bill
01:03:24Will do man
01:03:26Yeah
01:03:27Thanks for the heads up
01:03:29Is this a known thing
01:03:32Hello
01:03:33I'm so sorry for the delay
01:03:34I'm afraid I fell by the pool
01:03:38Now
01:03:39I understand that there's a problem with your goo goo bill
01:03:42Let me just take a look here
01:03:44Okay
01:03:44Goo goo man deluxe
01:03:46Oh well
01:03:47Hold on
01:03:48He got the wacky pack
01:03:49So
01:03:49This should all be included
01:03:51Thank you
01:03:52Ladies and gentlemen
01:03:53May I present a competent individual
01:03:55Well I want to make this right
01:03:57So I'm going to go ahead and comp this goo goo man visit
01:03:59And credit your account
01:04:01Yeah
01:04:01And uh
01:04:02If you have your goo goo rewards number
01:04:04I am ready when you are
01:04:05I sure do
01:04:05Yep
01:04:05It's
01:04:05Three
01:04:06And done
01:04:07Okay
01:04:09Okay
01:04:10I do apologize
01:04:11Hey it's fine
01:04:12These things happen
01:04:12Just answer me one thing Douglas
01:04:15Yeah
01:04:16Is the goo goo man a sex thing?
01:04:19How could you ask me that?
01:04:23That's the goo goo man's decision
01:04:40In 2005 I had sex with Barack Obama
01:04:44Did you catch that?
01:04:45It's called lying and it's more common than you may think
01:04:49Ever since cutting out sugar and carbs I have felt so good
01:04:52Lie
01:04:53It's so fun running into you
01:04:55We should do dinner sometime
01:04:56I'd love to
01:04:57Lie
01:04:58You know my penis is ten inches long
01:05:01And perfectly straight
01:05:02Lie
01:05:03I myself lie
01:05:04I lied to my therapist
01:05:06I told him I didn't need therapy anymore because I had stopped wetting the bed
01:05:10Lie
01:05:10But actually I just didn't trust his life advice after I saw his tattoo
01:05:14That's our time thank you so much for coming
01:05:17But I never lie to you which is why I do all of my own stunts
01:05:21Hey well thanks so much
01:05:22So in order to learn more about lying I tried the biggest lie of all
01:05:29To live my life as someone else
01:05:31And I knew just whose life I wanted to live
01:05:35Oh my god that Colin Jost
01:05:37It's me
01:05:39It worked
01:05:40I was Colin Jost
01:05:42Please welcome back to the show our very good friend Colin Jost everybody
01:05:47I'm doing the Colin dance man
01:05:50Seth
01:05:50Here's a weekend update for you
01:05:52It's Colin Jost time now
01:05:55Bro for real
01:05:56How much money do you got?
01:05:58And even though I found some weird stuff in Colin's dressing room
01:06:01I loved Colin's life
01:06:03What's up my wife?
01:06:05You're her from the movie Her and I'm certainly him
01:06:09Bienvenidos Marcelo
01:06:10Yo soy Colin Jost
01:06:11Excelente
01:06:12Bow
01:06:14Hey Colin
01:06:15Are we going to dinner?
01:06:16Or straight to dessert?
01:06:18I think New York's about to get hit with a whole new kind of blizzard
01:06:22But eventually my lie caught up to me
01:06:25What the hell are you doing in my office?
01:06:27Were you reading my musical?
01:06:30What are you doing man?
01:06:31Wait
01:06:31Which one of you is the real Colin Jost?
01:06:34I am
01:06:34I can't tell
01:06:35Whoa
01:06:36Jane
01:06:37I'm going to ask you guys something only the real Colin would know
01:06:39What's your son's name?
01:06:41Um
01:06:41I want to say Connor
01:06:43What's your wife's name in Jurassic World?
01:06:46Damn it
01:06:46Zora Bennett
01:06:51Told ya
01:06:52LIE
01:07:13Thanks to Harry Styles
01:07:16Gorillaz
01:07:17Zelda Funky Homosapien
01:07:20Anushka Shankar
01:07:21Asha Puthli
01:07:23And Black Thought
01:07:24Happy Birthday
01:07:25Thanks to Lauren
01:07:27Thanks to this whole cast
01:07:29Alma
01:07:31Ezzie
01:07:31I love you
01:07:32Happy Birthday
01:07:34Sarah
01:07:35Sarah
01:07:36Sarah
01:07:37It's her birthday
01:07:46It's her birthday
01:07:54She's billion
01:08:09She's espectacular
01:08:10Her birthday
01:08:10She's intoation
01:08:10Yeah I'm
01:08:14Very good She
01:08:14looks good
01:08:14She looks good
01:08:15And it's
01:08:16her birthday Of course She
01:08:17I'm in
01:08:18birthday
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