- 2 hours ago
Scrubs 2026 S01E03 My Rom Com DD 5 1 H 264
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TVTranscript
00:01There was nothing more fun than rounding with my interns,
00:04especially when I had a curveball.
00:06All right, my beautiful hunks of unmolded clay,
00:08who can tell me the differentials on Mr. Billings' dysuria?
00:11His urinary pain could be due to kidney stones.
00:14Wrong.
00:14Or urethral strictures? Wrong.
00:16What about prostatic hypertrophy?
00:18All great guesses, you guys, and all soups wrong.
00:20Brace yourselves, it's chlamydia.
00:23These days, they are turning it up in the old folks' home
00:26like it's Burning Man, right, Mr. Billings?
00:28Yep.
00:28Yeah, he gets it.
00:29Ew, wait, is that why my grandma doesn't want me to visit?
00:32Yes, Tosh. Your nana loves threesomes.
00:35Yes, she does.
00:36Yeah, she does.
00:37Bang until the end, Fox.
00:39Ew.
00:40Ew, indeed.
00:41As they dealt with the thought of old people banging,
00:44I had to deal with being my ex-wife's boss.
00:46Oh, did he? Quick question.
00:48Ruh-roh.
00:48What the hell? Did you actually change the orders on my patient?
00:52Well, technically, as your boss, he's my patient, too.
00:55He's not your patient?
00:56They're all my patients, how are you?
00:57Oh, really? Okay.
00:59Without looking at her chart, what's wrong with Mrs. Goldberg here?
01:02Based on what I've seen today?
01:05Pregnancy scare.
01:05It's not funny, J.D.
01:06You can't just go and change the orders on my patient.
01:08Elliot, I am the chief of medicine of this hospital,
01:10and I'm shaping things up.
01:12Okay, I don't care if you're the chief of medicine.
01:13You haven't been here for a decade.
01:15What do you think my job is?
01:16I'm starting to think we can only hang out with one of them.
01:18Well, if they can't be our couple's friends, who are we gonna hang out with?
01:21My sister and her husband.
01:22We hate them.
01:24Is that just me?
01:30It's hard enough having J.D. back here, but I swear he's using his position as chief against me.
01:34Watch this.
01:35He just had these installed, and he knows these dispensers don't work for me.
01:39Maybe I just can't figure out the rhythm?
01:41Or maybe you don't have any.
01:42I'm telling you, J.D. had them installed to drive me crazy.
01:45Those things don't work for me either.
01:46I just thought they were racist and didn't work for black or brown people.
01:50Oh, look at that.
01:51Elliot, you and J.D. are letting the resentment from your marriage bubble up.
01:55You need to get a grip.
01:56Oh, I can't get a grip. My hands are wet.
01:58Look, I know I need to get things under control with Elliot, especially now that I'm her boss.
02:02Oh, boy, when you say that to her, it drives her crazy.
02:05She does not like it.
02:07Listen, Carla thinks we need to find new couple's friends,
02:09so you might want to keep the peace so we can still hang out.
02:12Worst case scenario, we annihilate anyone that comes between us.
02:15Yeah, okay.
02:16What exactly are you going to do to anyone who comes between you?
02:19Look, baby, you know you my world, but this right here?
02:23I mean, this is the fresh above a lifestyle, right?
02:26This shines brighter than the sun.
02:28So you never want to have sex with me again?
02:31J.D., I wish you the best with all your future endeavors.
02:36Turk!
02:38I can't do this all on my own, though I know I'm no Superman.
02:48I'm no Superman.
02:50In my entire eight-month career, I have never been abused like this.
02:55Good. I hope you're crying your car tonight.
02:57I'll have you know I cry in my car every night.
03:00Nurse, can you please show Mr. Sharp to his room or an empty elevator shaft?
03:03Whoa, whoa, whoa, you cannot talk to a patient like that.
03:06But that man is a nightmare.
03:07I told him he had high cholesterol and he told me to go get him a man doctor.
03:11Then he gave me a one-star review.
03:14Doctors are being reviewed more than ever on sites like Rate Your Doc.
03:17This one says, quote,
03:19I couldn't understand a word he said.
03:21I wish that little twink came with subtitles.
03:24Yeah, I don't know what you guys are talking about.
03:26Mine are all three stars.
03:27It's a five-star system, Blake.
03:30That changes things.
03:31Look, you guys are gonna get criticism throughout your whole career.
03:34You have to let it bounce off you like bullets off a Wonder Woman's bracelets.
03:37Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.
03:39I really wish I'd come up with a more masculine metaphor.
03:42Well, those reviews follow you around.
03:44Have you read yours lately?
03:45Tosh, I am a seasoned physician, okay?
03:48I haven't read those things in years, and I certainly don't plan to start now.
03:51I'm gonna start the second I'm away from them.
03:53Look, gang, healthcare is a service industry, and the customer is always right.
03:58I want you to let me die.
03:59I know end-stage heart failure sounds bleak, but...
04:02My cardiologist says I'd have to wear my heart in a backpack.
04:06Not true.
04:07The LVAD is implanted in your heart.
04:09However, the external operating system is housed in this backpack.
04:13Ooh!
04:14Or a stylish messenger bag for the fashion-forward heart failure patient.
04:18Wow, I'll take it.
04:19I am not much for gadgets.
04:22Look, without it, you could have a fatal heart attack at any moment.
04:26Please, think of your family.
04:29My husband and I are estranged.
04:31We never had any children.
04:32So, I'd live a little longer.
04:34What kind of life would that be?
04:35I'll call hospice care to start the paperwork.
04:39Um, but first, I wrote something that might change your mind.
04:44Uh, what if hell is real?
04:50Could you please tread lightly with her?
04:52I just want to give her a chance to think things over.
04:54I'm sorry, but the hospital is low on organ donors,
04:57and she looks like she's made of good stuff.
04:59I get how Georgia feels.
05:01Who would want to spend the rest of their days attached to some big, awkward medical device?
05:05My robot's here!
05:07Hey, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.
05:08No touching.
05:09No touching.
05:10Excuse me, thank you.
05:11Whew!
05:12She's beautiful.
05:12I named Elisa after WNBA Hall of Famer Elisa Leslie because she is all arms.
05:18Hey!
05:19That is what's up, girl dad!
05:21Stop kissing my ass.
05:22I haven't decided who's training on her first.
05:24I can't wait to use the 3D HD vision, the tremor filtration, and the wristed instruments that surpassed human hand
05:29range of motion.
05:30And I can't wait to slice somebody open with it.
05:32Amara.
05:32Amara goes first.
05:37Hey, nice one, Amara.
05:39I am happy for you.
05:42Why are you talking like that?
05:43It's my robot voice.
05:44Oh, it's fun.
05:49Wow.
05:50So you have, like, no game?
05:53Very little.
05:56It had been years since I'd taken a gander at my reviews, but so far these weren't to a quarter
06:02of a star.
06:03How is that even an option?
06:04They got you too, Dr. Dorian?
06:06Just remember.
06:07Pew, pew, pew!
06:08Oh, no, no, no.
06:09Don't worry, Tasha.
06:10I couldn't care less that some idiot named PicklePie3214 says I'm, quote, a narcissist who's not fit to run a
06:18hospital or a 5K.
06:21I can tell that hurt you.
06:23But, as you told me...
06:25I was too mad, so I tuned Tasha out to sound like the grown-ups in the Peanuts.
06:36Hey.
06:37Stop Charlie Browning me.
06:39I got your email.
06:40Why are you pushing me to discharge my heart failure patient?
06:42Because she's refused treatment.
06:44The hospital is overcrowded, and we need beds, Elliot.
06:47I'm trying to get her to change her mind, JD.
06:48I just need a little more time.
06:50None of this is personal, okay?
06:52Well, it feels personal, JD.
06:53Like those new paper towel dispensers, you know they don't sense my...
06:56Cold, pasty death mitts?
06:59Exactly.
07:00Look, you used to walk into bathrooms and get paper towels for me, and now you're weaponizing them.
07:05I gotta make some cuts around here, Elliot.
07:07Thanks for the new buffer, Chief.
07:09You even sprung for the heated seat I wanted.
07:12My toasty buns, thank you!
07:14That is a standard feature when you go with emerald green.
07:17Ugh!
07:19Careful!
07:20He's got it set to super shine.
07:25That's all personal!
07:27JD!
07:29Alright.
07:30Very good tomorrow.
07:31Set the clamp.
07:33Excellent job.
07:35We're gonna get this patient home to his family.
07:38Remember, it's tiny movements.
07:40It's like steering a car.
07:42Got it.
07:46Push the gas.
07:48Good.
07:49Too much gas.
07:49Brakes.
07:50Brakes.
07:50Brakes!
07:51Where's the brakes?
07:53Oh!
07:55It was a massacre.
08:02I thought you said you studied up on this.
08:04I did.
08:04It's just...
08:05All the driving metaphors were confusing me.
08:08Who doesn't get driving metaphors?
08:10Someone who doesn't know how to drive.
08:12Well, they didn't have drivers at my school, because it was a very small school.
08:15Just me and my brothers.
08:16And it was at my house.
08:18Oh, you're a homeschool kid.
08:19That makes perfect sense.
08:20I just thought you were weird.
08:22So you guys think homeschool kids are weird?
08:23Yes.
08:24No.
08:24No.
08:25Homeschool is actually awesome.
08:26I never got bullied.
08:27And I almost won prom queen twice, but my brothers always voted for my mom.
08:30Second place.
08:31She must be pretty.
08:32Forget it.
08:33I've overshared.
08:35Oh, hey Tosh.
08:37Let's say someone did get a bad review, and he, she, or they wanted to get it taken down.
08:43What would all those people do?
08:44You care.
08:45Oh.
08:45Great.
08:46So great.
08:49Oh, so it looks like I'm not the only one with thoughts on your performance as chief.
08:53I don't read the comments, Elliot.
08:55I fly above all haters.
08:57Look, if it bothers you so much, then just use the technique we learned in couples counseling.
09:01I mean, just vent everything you wish you could say into a voice note.
09:03Again, couldn't care less.
09:08Voice note.
09:08I don't love Elliot telling me what to do.
09:12My boss ordered me to discharge Georgia.
09:14Can you get our digital forms ready?
09:16You should hear this first.
09:17Sibby's talking to her next of kin.
09:19His name is Arthur.
09:20He's so sweet.
09:21I'm picturing him as the little guy from Up.
09:24The old one, not the chubby Asian Boy Scout one.
09:28Georgia and I were married for years.
09:30Now that she's dying, I wouldn't be able to bear it if I couldn't see her one last time.
09:33To tell her how I'd feel.
09:35I'm getting on a bus.
09:36Arthur, get on that bus and get here as fast as you can.
09:39This is just like a real life rom-com and I'm here for it.
09:42Oh, I bet he's wearing one of those tiny little hats like Ryan Gosling in a notebook.
09:45Okay, he's the old guy from Up.
09:47I thought we agreed on that.
09:50Maybe seeing Arthur will give Georgia a reason to live.
09:52We can't discharge her.
09:53Yes, she'd never know how much that sweet man loves her.
09:56How can we stall?
09:56Oh, please, I'm a nurse.
09:58I have ways to make discharges take all day.
09:59But if JD found out, he'd be pissed.
10:02Ah, perfect.
10:02Okay.
10:03You're gonna meet our IT guy.
10:05Now you've seen a lot as a doctor, but you've never seen anything quite like Rafi.
10:09So you expect me to perform an unscheduled software update causing the medical record system to go down for hours,
10:15bringing the hospital to a grinding halt?
10:18Yes.
10:19Look, I know it sounds crazy, but it's to help an old lady.
10:21Don't call yourself old baby.
10:23You're fine.
10:24Oh.
10:26No, it's not for me.
10:27It's for a real old lady.
10:28It's a deal.
10:30Ooh, I do like a wet hand.
10:33What is wrong with you?
10:34Several things.
10:34That's why they're not allowed to fire me.
10:36All right.
10:38Ready in three, two, one.
10:42In summation, pickle pie, three, two, one, four, I am not a narcissist.
10:46I am at the center of this hospital, universally beloved, and I control everything that's happening here.
10:51What's happening here?
10:52The whole digital system just shut down.
10:54What?
10:55This is very...
10:56Very bad.
10:57I know that because I'm in charge...
10:58A narcissist.
10:59In charge.
11:03Okay, everyone, the system is down, but not to worry. Turk and I are gonna figure this out.
11:08Why are you dragging me in on this?
11:09I'm dragging begging.
11:11Okay, fine.
11:11There is a guy, but you gotta know how to talk to him.
11:14I better go with you.
11:16Okay.
11:18Arthur, are you off the bus?
11:19I am.
11:20I'm right outside St. Vincent's.
11:22No!
11:23That's the wrong hospital.
11:24It's Sacred Heart.
11:24Okay, is there any chance you have access to a large amount of balloons?
11:28Stay put, Arthur.
11:28I'm sending someone to get you.
11:31Tosh, my patient needs your help.
11:32Her husband needs a ride.
11:33Will she give me a good review?
11:35She's in heart failure.
11:36I'll make sure she gives you one right before her life leaves her body.
11:38Sweet.
11:39I bet she'll use that wounded heart emoji.
11:41All right, everybody, listen up.
11:42About an hour and 20 before the system is back.
11:45Until then, we're using paper charts.
11:52We're writing.
11:53Haven't done this since primary school, but not a problem.
12:00Dude, keep it together, all right?
12:02Or at least hide it with your clipboard.
12:04Don't be crass.
12:05I just admire her.
12:07You better ask her out.
12:08Or someone else will.
12:10Maybe even me.
12:12You wouldn't.
12:14Would you?
12:15Blake?
12:17Hey.
12:23Look.
12:25So you may have grown up differently.
12:27But you are a surgical intern now.
12:29Huh?
12:29And you're living your best life.
12:30Not really.
12:31I live with my aunt.
12:32That's fun.
12:33You're living with your cool auntie.
12:35What, she's single?
12:35She's muscle weed?
12:36I got one of those.
12:37Nope.
12:38She's a mom.
12:39I have two chubby cousins who bully me, and an uncle I've only ever heard talk twice.
12:45Bishana, what if that grape had been a real person?
12:47Look, Amara, stop.
12:48It was a grape.
12:49Come on.
12:50You're just getting in your head.
12:51No, I'm not.
12:53I can't even drive.
12:55How am I supposed to learn to use that robot?
12:57Maybe I should just be a mortician like my quiet uncle.
13:00Can't kill people if they're already dead.
13:05Hey, you remember when I took you to my barber shop and I asked you not to say anything?
13:09Yeah, I said a bunch of stuff.
13:10I was very liberal with the word homie.
13:12Exactly, and now I can never go back there and have to shave my own head.
13:15Point is, when we get in here, please, don't talk.
13:17You got it.
13:20Rafi, you've been warned about tampering with the hospital's network.
13:23And now, from my position, I must hand down punishment.
13:26And then Turk said something that would haunt me forever.
13:30As a dungeon master of our Sunday afternoon Dungeons and Dragons campaign,
13:33I revoke the amulet of Ursaad.
13:36Oh, that gave me plus 11 charisma.
13:38I needed to seduce the siren to draft more.
13:41Oh, she ain't coming near your ass now.
13:43I don't know why you're blaming me.
13:44His snack of an ex-wife asked me to do it.
13:46And when baddies throw game, Rafi, don't fumble.
13:50I think I need to go have a little talk with that baddie.
13:54Hey.
13:54Hey, buddy.
13:57About what you just witnessed in there, my wife thinks I play golf on Sunday afternoons.
14:01I'd appreciate it if it stayed that way.
14:03Your nerd secret is safe with me.
14:05Okay, I got Arthur in the car with me.
14:08Arthur, say hey.
14:09Hey!
14:10Aw, what else can he say?
14:12Uh-oh, JD's coming. He looks pissed.
14:13I'm sorry, I can't handle another fight.
14:15The octaves you two reach.
14:17What do you mean?
14:17Oh, girl, no.
14:18I know everything, Elliot. And as your boss...
14:21Oh, here we go.
14:22When Elliot and I fight, it goes from zero to 60 pretty fast.
14:27Welcome to the main event, where a minor disagreement has turned into an all-out battle royale.
14:32Our marriage has been nothing but hate games.
14:35I threw that dirty bastard likes a grub.
14:37Climbing up to the top rope.
14:39Ooh, that beautiful queen has that vanilla bear right where she wants.
14:42Hey, JD!
14:43You know how you always complain that I never got on top?
14:45Well, happy birthday!
14:47No!
14:49No!
14:51Elbow to the face!
14:53Brother finally got some!
14:59Dr. Dorian, I'm gonna need you to go ahead and bring it down.
15:05I'm owed an explanation, Elliot.
15:07Why didn't you go this far for a patient I told you to discharge?
15:10Obviously, you weren't listening to me, JD.
15:13I told you I needed a little more time to help her.
15:22I'm not training.
15:23Uh, I want Amara to do it.
15:26Yeah, you know, I totally get that.
15:29Cause back in the day, I got the chance to do my first laparoscopic cholecystectomy.
15:34But Todd really wanted it, so I gave it to him.
15:37Really?
15:38No, Dashana.
15:40We're surgeons.
15:41We take what we want.
15:43You know what?
15:44You're right.
15:45Yeah.
15:46I'm gonna take what I want.
15:48Yeah!
15:48I want Amara to do the surgery.
15:50No!
15:51Dr. Turk, uh, look, you and I already have the confidence to go for what we want.
15:55But Amara, Amara needs some of that.
15:58And as her mentor, it is on you to help her.
16:03You tricked me.
16:04I did.
16:06I respect that.
16:12Stop following me!
16:13It's not creepy.
16:14It's not creepy.
16:14We're discussing work.
16:17In the women's bathroom.
16:21What am I missing, Elliot?
16:23I just wanted my patient to know that she was still loved.
16:25Maybe then she would have let us treat her.
16:26I understand, but you're not an intern.
16:28Sometimes patients choose to die.
16:30You know that.
16:30Yeah, of course I do.
16:31But I guess Georgia got to me because I thought you and I would always be together.
16:37And now, I guess I wonder if at the end of my life, if I'll have anyone at all.
16:44It must be so scary for her, JD.
16:47Maybe I wanted that couple to have a happy end to their story because it doesn't look like we're going
16:53to.
16:54And then it hit me.
16:55I needed to remember how much I cared for Elliot.
16:57She would always be one of the most important people in my whole life.
17:01I'm sorry I didn't listen to you, Elliot.
17:05I don't want to have all this resentment between us.
17:07I'm so sorry too.
17:09I care about you, JD.
17:10I will always care about you.
17:12You're my family.
17:16I just don't know how we do this.
17:20We'll figure it out.
17:24And unlike that couple you're helping, we're not going to wait until the end of our lives to be there
17:28for each other.
17:45Come on, let's go help your patient.
17:50Arthur's getting anxious and we are in so much traffic.
17:55There's one sure way through traffic.
17:57Excuse me, sir.
17:59When we think about a hospital, the first things that come to mind are illness, death, pain, and disease.
18:06But if you look in the right places, there is also love.
18:11What's going on?
18:12We're helping you touch grass.
18:17You're going to be an amazing surgeon, but we need to work on your aura.
18:21Hop on, I'm going to teach you how to drive.
18:23Are you serious?
18:23Absolutely.
18:24And there's a seat warmer on this bad boy.
18:26I don't want you thinking my ass is that hot.
18:28What if I crash?
18:29I taught two daughters how to drive.
18:31There's nothing you can do that'll throw me.
18:33Break, break, break, break, break!
18:38Let's try that again.
18:39This time maybe tap the gas.
18:41You're doing it, Amara!
18:42You're doing it!
18:45Yeah!
18:46Look dude, you got this, alright?
18:48Also, I heard Amara's some kind of weirdo shut in, so she's got nothing to compare you to.
18:53You have a shot.
18:54She's not a weirdo.
18:59Yeah, yeah, totally normal.
19:01Amara?
19:02Amara?
19:02Amara?
19:03I was wondering if you'd like to go up?
19:05And sure, love can sting sometimes.
19:07Yeah.
19:08Arthur, I'm Dr. Reed.
19:10I'm so happy that you made it.
19:11Yeah, where is she?
19:12Come right this way.
19:13But love is also the thing that heals us.
19:15I knew it.
19:16He looks just like the guy from Up.
19:21Arthur.
19:23What are you doing here?
19:24Georgia.
19:27It's been 20 years.
19:28Yeah.
19:30I couldn't let you go without telling you...
19:35You're a miserable cow.
19:38Please tell me that's just a cute nickname.
19:41You always were, and you always will be.
19:43Nope.
19:43Don't think it was.
19:44You rotten bastard.
19:46You are the same as ever, but fatter.
19:50I was gonna die, but now I think I'll stay alive just to spite you.
19:56Put my heart in a backpack!
19:59I'll never die.
20:02I was hoping you'd say that.
20:04You keep going, even if it's just to hate me.
20:08Wow.
20:09That took a turn.
20:10You hateful, lovely, ugly man, you.
20:13Okay.
20:14So they like it twisted.
20:16Mm-hmm.
20:16No judgment.
20:18Come here.
20:22You did a good thing, you miserable cow.
20:25So did you, you rotten bastard.
20:29Okay, I have a confession to make.
20:31I'm the one who wrote that nasty review about you.
20:33Your pickle pie, three, two, one, four.
20:36It never bothered me at all.
20:42Fast and furious.
20:43How could you not get that?
20:44Why don't you just do a mad face, like, brrrr, and then fast.
20:47Pew!
20:48Pew is not fast.
20:49This is fast.
20:50The wind is blowing my hair.
20:52Oh, we're gonna need more boos.
20:53They fight like an old married couple.
20:55You know what, Turk?
20:56I've had enough.
20:56Carla, on Sundays, when you think he's playing golf...
20:58No.
20:59He's living an entirely different life.
21:00No!
21:01He's a dungeon master.
21:03He controls an entire battalion of nerds.
21:06Is that why I saw you ironing that cape?
21:08It's a cloak!
21:11Feel the wrath of the dungeon master!
21:15Good job.
21:16Wild!
21:18ultra Ganzes at 12,500 feet,
21:18with a potato,
21:18small chicken with afontaine's shoulder.
21:19Go, go, go, go, go, go!
21:20Go, go!
21:22Go.
21:22the guitar!
21:22Good job.
21:23Good job.
21:23Business for work.
21:24All right, good job.
21:27Good job.
21:27Good job.
21:28Good job.
21:28Good job!
21:28Good job.
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