- 6 hours ago
The Office US S09E23 Finale Cut 1 H 264
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00:18the tea in Nepal is very hot but the coffee in Peru is much hotter
00:32last week I finally became permanent manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton my first project
00:37increased security I got these doors from a jewelry store that had recently gone out of
00:42business now they're protecting America's real treasure paper every morning I email the day's
00:48security codes to the outside observer it sounds like the most natural conversation in the world
00:52the swans fly south in the summertime but in winter they fly north
00:59something that's been really missing from my life has been writing secret codes
01:03it's not the KGB but it's a start
01:09the tea in Nepal is very hot but the coffee in Peru is far hotter close
01:16this is Tuesday right the the coffee in Paraguay is far hotter colder coffee in Paraguay is colder
01:23no I meant you were getting colder the correct response is the coffee in Peru is much hotter
01:30much okay that's three wrong so I gotta give you the steam
01:33no unless you want me to break protocol
01:41no no no give me the steam
01:49it's just harmless steam to panic intruders I'd like to get harmful steam but the prices are absurd
01:55break protocol break protocol
01:59break protocol oh I'm saving a fortune on dry cleaning
02:05oh
02:06oh
02:06oh
02:09oh
02:09oh
02:11oh
02:11oh
02:12oh
02:14oh
02:15oh
02:16oh
02:17oh
02:19oh
02:31oh
02:37Angela someone wants you
02:39okay
02:40we're coming
02:44Hi baby
02:45Angela's divorce from the Senator has been very difficult for her
02:49when she got kicked out of her apartment I invited her to move in with me
02:54Ironic that now it's Angela who's living in the closet
03:00Saddle shoes with denim
03:02I will literally call Child Protective Services
03:12Every morning I take Phillip to my church daycare
03:15I love St. Jillian's
03:17They do not care about your social position
03:19They even let the custodial staff attend services
03:24Some services
03:26It's you at 6 o'clock
03:29Angela
03:29Yeah
03:30We can't accept Phillip anymore
03:31Why not?
03:33It has come to our attention you're cohabitating with a gay man
03:36Another gay man
03:38Okay, well I can explain that
03:40Angela, we don't understand what this lifestyle choice is
03:43But it doesn't accord with our values
03:45I'm sorry
03:47Oh, hold on there, sweetie
03:49We need to keep you away from her
03:51Because we don't want you to pick up any confusing words, do we?
03:55Confusing words
03:56Bye, Angela
03:57So sorry
03:59Bye, Phillip
04:01What a bitch
04:02Oh, hi, Jonathan
04:04Come on in
04:08I'll be watching you tonight in my living room
04:10I like the sound of that
04:12The documentary about us starts airing tonight
04:15I better come out of this smelling like a rose
04:17I've been on my best behavior for nine years
04:20If it wasn't for the cameras
04:21I would have done some truly vulgar crap
04:27Go get him, honey
04:28Well, don't worry
04:29They'll get God
04:32Manager of Dunder Mifflin?
04:33Check
04:33Owner of a 1600 acre beet farm?
04:35Check
04:36Engaged to be married to an actual milkmaid?
04:39Check
04:40On that
04:41Later today
04:43This
04:44Is my grandmother's ring
04:47It was made from a bullet I took out of her left buttock
04:49She was a moonshiner shot by Adolf Kors
04:52This is my grandmother's buttock bullet ring
04:57Hi, good morning
04:58Name is Andrew Bernard
05:01You might know me from a TV documentary that's premiering tonight
05:05Also killed it in local theater
05:07And I am fresh off of a hot industrial flick
05:11Okay, thanks
05:12Go ahead and get in the back of the line
05:14Yes!
05:22Well, burned all my bridges at Dunder Mifflin
05:24And time to become the next American Idol
05:27By winning America's next acapella sensation
05:30On channel TBD
05:32It's a really cool show
05:34It's like a total reinvention of the whole American Idol
05:36Voice
05:37Sing-off phenomenon
05:38On this show
05:39All three judges are mean
05:44Sales form for you to sign
05:46You know what to do
06:00Okay
06:00Behind every great regional manager
06:02Is a great assistant to the regional manager
06:04And I have chosen one of the best
06:06Oh, thanks, man
06:07Once upon a time we were natural enemies
06:09But we've overcome our differences
06:11Much like Germany and Italy and World War
06:13Nope
06:14Good call
06:15Together we run a no-nonsense office
06:29Pre-conference room meeting with Dwight
06:30Went really well
06:31Oh, bodes well for the post-conference room meeting
06:33All depends on the conference room meeting itself
06:37Uh, okay
06:39Is that them again?
06:40Yeah
06:41Maybe you should call back
06:43Maybe you should call back
06:44Oh
06:46I will
06:49The guys at Athlete are still bugging me about this three-month roadshow thing
06:52Meeting athletes on their home turf, building relationships
06:55Yeah, it sounds exciting
06:57But I said no and that's final
07:00I almost lost Pam over this business
07:02I'm not risking that again
07:05When Jim decided to come back to Scranton full-time
07:07I was relieved
07:09But I also feel a little guilty
07:12I mean, he's giving up this big thing for me
07:16But he seems happy
07:17I mean, he's certainly been goofing around a lot
07:20I love Goofy Jim
07:22Welcome
07:23He welcomes you
07:24Please take an agenda item
07:26Your agenda taking pleases him
07:27Have a seat, Phyllis
07:28There we go
07:30As you know, I like to begin each day with an inspirational quote
07:33Some say the only failure there is
07:35Is the failure to try
07:38Eh, that is wrong
07:39Failure of any kind
07:41Is failure
07:42Jim, over to you
07:43Let's not get crazy
07:44And ruin our no-nonsense streak
07:46Alright?
07:47So, for instance
07:48If you're expecting a fax today
07:49Please don't yell out
07:50Michael J. Fax
07:51From Fax of the Future
07:53Okay?
07:54That's nonsense
07:55Question
07:55Yes, beautiful girl in the front
07:57We are expecting a water delivery
07:59Today at 10 a.m.
08:01What if as they're delivering the water jug
08:03Someone screams out
08:04Nice jugs
08:04That's obviously nonsense
08:07Nonsense
08:07And what percentage of nonsense
08:10Do we tolerate in this office?
08:11Zero
08:12No, no, no
08:13Zero
08:14Can't have nonsense
08:15What is going on?
08:16Daycare won't take Philip anymore
08:18Why?
08:19Apparently my station in life has descended to a depth
08:22Even they won't forgive
08:23So, hi
08:25Hi, buddy
08:26Okay, um
08:28New agenda item
08:30Philip will be joining us at the office today
08:32Gotta write that down
08:33Okay, big day today
08:35Airing in the documentary
08:36Who's excited
08:39Over the course of this documentary
08:40I've had three affairs
08:41If you find my body in a ditch
08:44Let me save the police some trouble
08:45My wife did it
08:47We just don't know how many people are going to be watching tonight
08:49It could be thousands
08:52It could be millions
08:55What if word reaches China?
08:58They are very judgmental over there
09:02So don't air that bit
09:05I'm not sure I'll even watch
09:06Because if it wasn't for this documentary outing my secretly gay ex-husband
09:11I would still be in a fairytale marriage
09:14I'm letting you all off half an hour early to view the documentary
09:18So you can make it up to me by working an extra half an hour tomorrow
09:21Or a minute extra for the rest of the month
09:23Ooh, announcement
09:24Some of us whose televisions got broken during an all-you-can-eat shrimp commercial
09:28Will be watching tonight at Poor Richard's
09:31But note, all are welcome
09:33Not just those who saw an all-you-can-eat shrimp commercial
09:37And charged their television
09:39I can't believe the doc is finally going to air
09:42When this thing started, I was still having sex with women
09:46As was Kevin, I believe
09:49This airs tonight?
09:51Oh my god
09:53If my parents see this
09:55I am toast
09:57What if we come off looking stupid?
09:59I mean, we don't even know what they're going to air
10:00You're right
10:01We could look like idiots
10:02Guys, do you think we're going to be hounded by the popperoni?
10:06One thing's for sure, life will never be the same
10:08Wait, wait, wait, Oscar
10:09Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
10:11This is verging into chit-chat
10:12Which can quickly escalate into horseplay
10:14Which can veer around the corner into
10:16You-know-what-sense
10:19Nonsense
10:19Nonsense
10:21Next item on the agenda
10:22Is the announcement of final agenda item
10:25So
10:26Everybody listen up
10:28Here comes the announcement of the final agenda item
10:30No, no, no
10:31The final agenda item is to announce
10:32That it's the final agenda item
10:34So there it is
10:35Everybody listen up
10:35Here it comes
10:36No, this is what I'm saying
10:38I did it
10:38It's done already
10:40Announcement of final agenda item
10:42Which is coming right now
10:43I already announced it like five minutes ago
10:45Like it's hot
10:46Okay, this meeting is adjourned
10:48There are no more announcements
10:50This is the final agenda item
10:52After you announce it
10:53Oh my god
10:56Good job today, everybody
11:05This is really huge
11:07This is like the March on Washington
11:08But for a singing show
11:10Can you imagine if Martin Luther King were here
11:12And sang I Dreamed a Dream from Les Mis
11:14With that baritone
11:15That would be historic
11:17Woohoo!
11:18KCD in Cincinnati, Ohio
11:19Doctor, doctor
11:21I give her the news
11:22I got a great KCD for you
11:25No
11:25America
11:26No, this is my time
11:27You don't belt on my time
11:28I belt on my time
11:30KCD
11:33KCD
11:37Man, those are some nice pipes
11:40Yeah
11:41What's your name?
11:43Andy
11:44What's yours?
11:47Why didn't you pack the Apple Snacks?
11:49Why didn't you pack the Apple Snacks?
11:51Guys
11:51Because whenever I pack the bag
11:53You say I do it wrong
11:54Guys
11:55Why don't you pack it?
11:56Guys
11:56Kevin, what is
11:57Do you want to see a video of a weatherman
12:00Who says bold front instead of cold front?
12:03It's insane
12:04Not now, Kevin
12:06Can't you see we're busy?
12:07Just Kevin
12:07Phillip needs his Apple Snacks
12:09Seriously, Kevin
12:10I'm just going to have to go to the store
12:12Okay, you go to the store
12:13Billup, Billup, Billup
12:15It's all about Phillip
12:17I hate Phillip
12:23Not now, private time
12:24I love Star Wars as much as the next guy
12:26Hey, hey
12:27Seriously?
12:31My God, I'm so sorry
12:35Well, this might make up for it
12:36I think I have found an enormous source of Overlook PFN
12:41Which is, of course
12:42Potential future nonsense
12:44Yes
12:45Good abbreviating, Jim
12:46That saved some time
12:47Now hurry up, shut the door
12:50Break it down for me
12:51I'm going to need you to look at your hierarchy, Mobile
12:54You've got a regional manager
12:56The power source
12:57Obviously
12:57The assistant to the regional manager
12:59The loyal but bungling apostle
13:00But what about the assistant assistant to the regional manager?
13:10Someone to whisper in the ear of the consigliere
13:12Exactly
13:13I'd have to get some more wire and string
13:16But it's doable
13:17You think any of them out there are capable?
13:20Yeah, right
13:21I mean, unless they're willing to pass some tests
13:23I like the sound of that
13:25What did you have in mind?
13:26Well, I know it sounds crazy
13:27But how would King Arthur choose the next night of his round table?
13:32That doesn't sound crazy, Jim
13:34That's the sanest thing I've ever heard
13:38What are you listening to?
13:39I'm locking in my starting note
13:43A440
13:44Oh, sweet
13:45Acapella is all about pitch
13:46And I am nothing if not a total pitch bitch
13:50What's up, everybody?
13:51And welcome to America's next acapella sensation
13:55Oh, my God!
13:59You're gorgeous
13:59Thank you
14:00Thank you so much
14:01And thank you for your patience
14:02And we hope to see you guys within the next five to seven hours
14:05Now, just to give you a couple parameters of the show
14:08Each of you will sing a song for 30 seconds
14:11After which our judges will decide if they want you in their acapella group
14:15Now, bear in mind
14:16Our judges have no experience whatsoever actually leading an acapella group
14:22Hey, hey, let Mark McGrath talk
14:25Go ahead, Mark
14:26Thank you, sir
14:27Now, each group will start with 90 singers
14:29Which will compete in a series of singing and physical challenges
14:32Oh, and look out for that pesky mole
14:37There's a mole
14:38Oops
14:39I'm not supposed to
14:41I'm not supposed to say that
14:42All right, no mole
14:43Forget I said it, all right?
14:44What mole?
14:45What are you talking about?
14:45I already forgot about it
14:46Good man right there
14:48I'll see you guys inside
14:49Good luck, all right?
14:50Yeah!
14:52Put some sugar ray on me
14:53What?
14:55On a roll watch?
14:56I don't know where it came from
14:57That was amazing, man
14:57Yeah, it felt good
14:58It felt funny
14:59Yeah, you made a personal connection with him
15:01I did
15:01Big time
15:02Wow, I gotta harness that energy for the judges
15:04Yeah, and the mole
15:07Casey, we're not supposed to know about the mole
15:09Oh, damn it
15:10Get your head in the game, Casey Dean
15:12Come on
15:13Just focus
15:14It's amateur hour
15:14Relax
15:16I just pulled something, I think
15:23Big good night tonight
15:26Yeah
15:27Yeah
15:28Sorry, I can't chat
15:30I'm working
15:30Go to Port Richards tonight
15:32Check out the Krogue ramp
15:34Yeah
15:36Everyone's going, aren't they?
15:38I meant, uh
15:39Would you like to come with me?
15:41Give me a date
15:44Or it could be less than a date
15:46I mean, it's just
15:47Just we'd know
15:48That I asked
15:50There
15:52Or it would just be a thing in our heads, really
15:55No, I don't want to go with you
15:57Sitting
15:59Near
16:04I figured it wouldn't hurt to ask
16:08It's wrong
16:16What are you so excited about?
16:18Nothing
16:19What are you up to?
16:24Members of the office, hear ye
16:26That means ye plop
16:28Plop?
16:29Still?
16:30We owe Andy that much
16:32Yeah
16:32Absolutely we do
16:34Am I right, people?
16:36Fine
16:37Today, we will be testing candidates
16:39For the position of assistant
16:41To the assistant
16:42To the regional manager
16:43Aw, heck yeah
16:44Nice
16:44You'll always have the upper hand
16:46When you've got a good
16:48Arm
16:50Trademark pending
16:50This is not an excuse
16:52To blow off work
16:53Doing carnival-like activities
16:54Sure, every participant
16:56Will be getting a corn dog
16:57But that's for fueling only
16:59No savoring
17:00Ah, what an honor
17:01God, I envy them
17:02He envies you
17:03You don't need to repeat
17:04Right now
17:05All right
17:05By two o'clock
17:07Dwight will choose himself
17:08To be assistant
17:09To his own assistant
17:10Me
17:20What's up?
17:21What's going on?
17:22How was the delivery?
17:23Delivered all my furniture to the Philly
17:24Hey, keep it down
17:25Or nobody knows I'm here
17:27I hate goodbyes
17:29So last week
17:30When I left Dunder Milfam for good
17:32I pulled the old Irish exit
17:33Just slipped out
17:34Without making a big deal
17:35No hard feelings
17:36No feelings at all
17:40A good assistant
17:42Knows what their superior
17:43Is thinking
17:44Before they even think it
17:46Meredith, what number
17:47Am I thinking of right now?
17:48Uh, two
17:49Nine hundred and eighty-five trillion seventeen
17:52Not even close, Meredith
17:54Come on
17:55Pam, what song
17:56Is running through my head right now?
17:58Theme song
17:58From Saved by the Bell
17:59Oh, my God
18:00It was the theme song
18:01To Boy Meets World
18:02Wait, no, no, no, stop
18:03Spouses can read each other's minds
18:04You're trying to give your wife this job
18:06That's exactly what I was doing
18:09Plop
18:09What animal am I picturing?
18:11A horse
18:11Ooh
18:12The exact opposite, actually
18:14What's the opposite of a horse?
18:15Come on
18:15Seahorse
18:16Seahorse
18:18Whoa
18:19How did you know
18:21That I was gonna say
18:22Say that
18:24Uncanny
18:25Uncanny
18:27Challenge number two
18:28Protocol
18:29Clark
18:30Yeah
18:30Do you want a corndog?
18:32I would love a corndog
18:33We'll see
18:34You are an assistant
18:35Who's just gotten a phone message
18:37I am in a meeting
18:38With Dwight, Robert Dunder
18:40And his niece
18:40Uh-oh
18:41Look who came to join us
18:42The Turkish ambassador to Armenia
18:44Yuri Slovak
18:45Who, by the way
18:45Is extremely embarrassed
18:46About the size of his nose
18:47Go ahead and read that phone message
18:50Mr. Halpert
18:51Your wife called
18:51To find out
18:52How your meeting
18:53With Yuri
18:53Big Nose went
18:54No
18:54No
18:54No
18:55No
18:55You don't read it
18:56Aloud like that
18:58God
18:58Besides the whole thing
18:59Is a trick question
19:00There's no Turkish ambassador
19:01To Armenia
19:02Two countries
19:03Don't have diplomatic relations
19:07Uncanny
19:09I just hope that
19:10If my buddies
19:11Who are still in Afghanistan
19:12See me win
19:13They'll feel like
19:13Anything is possible
19:15Great
19:15More screen time
19:16For the war vet
19:18All you gotta do
19:19Is risk your life
19:19For this country
19:20And everyone goes
19:20Gaga for you
19:21Over at the port-a-potties
19:23They were interviewing
19:23A homeless single mother
19:24With three kids
19:26What
19:28Is this a show
19:29About the resiliency
19:30Of the human spirit
19:32Or is it a show
19:33About singing
19:34I don't know
19:35But I'm getting
19:35Really worried here
19:36Me too
19:39Hold my place in line
19:40Where are you going?
19:42They want feel-good stories
19:45Where do they get
19:46A good feel of me
19:49Thanks man
19:50Thank you
19:51Take care
19:53Daryl, hey
19:53Hey
19:55Cool, are you coming back
19:56To say hi?
19:57No, no
19:58I'm not here
19:58Actually
19:59These donuts
20:00Are part of my escape
20:01From the guys at the warehouse
20:02I didn't say goodbye to
20:03Uh-huh
20:04How's athlete?
20:05Living like rock stars
20:06I'm about to eat
20:07Free steak
20:08With my sports heroes
20:09In 32 different cities
20:10Wow
20:11Jim really doesn't want to come?
20:12He says he doesn't want to
20:14Man
20:15I hope he doesn't regret it
20:17Well, he seems really happy
20:19Being back here
20:19At Dunder Mifflin
20:21Jim is happy here
20:22Selling paper
20:23At Dunder Mifflin
20:23That's what he says
20:25If you say so
20:27Hey, good seeing you
20:28Remember
20:29I was never here
20:30All right, hey
20:33An assistant brings
20:34Their boss coffee
20:34With speed
20:35And dexterity
20:36But an assistant
20:37To the assistant
20:38Has a thousand times more
20:39To prove
20:40A thousand times more
20:41I'll try this one
20:42Phyllis
20:43Grab both these coffees
20:44Double fist it
20:45And head through
20:46This obstacle course
20:47Okay
20:47It's hot
20:48Yep, it's real
20:50It's the only way
20:51You'll learn
20:52Okay
20:52And go ahead
20:56Oh, God, nice
20:58She's through the green, everybody
21:00Here comes yellow
21:00No, no, no
21:01Real doozy
21:02Careful
21:02Look at that form
21:05Oh, God, this is pathetic
21:06The boss needs his coffee
21:08Wow
21:14Here you are, sir
21:16Here's your coffee
21:16Ow, my skin
21:18Ow, ow, ow
21:19Burns
21:20Ah, ah, ah
21:24Uncanny
21:28Daryl?
21:29Daryl
21:30Whoa
21:31Oh, hey
21:32Hey, what's up, y'all?
21:34You left us without saying goodbye
21:36Oh, my bad
21:39Goodbye, everybody
21:40Hey, no way
21:42That is totally uncor
21:42Are you kidding?
21:44You broke our hearts
21:45Get upstairs
21:46I don't think I should
21:47Get upstairs, mister
21:49Yeah
21:49Right now
21:51So I'm going upstairs
21:52You know, Dwight
21:53This whole search for the assistant thing
21:55None of these people are good enough
21:57I know
21:58What I'm about to say makes no logical sense
22:01And yet
22:02It might be the most logical thing I've ever said
22:04Jim, this is going to come as no surprise
22:05But I know exactly what you were going to say
22:08The only possible assistant to my assistant is
22:13Me
22:14The new assistant
22:16To the assistant
22:18To the regional manager
22:19Is
22:21Dwight K. Schrute
22:22Yes
22:25Thank you
22:25I think you might want to kneel for this
22:28And yet
22:29The manager for Dunder Mifflin kneels for no man
22:35Wait
22:36That's it
22:37Okay
22:37You look really, really good
22:39Okay
22:49Okay
22:50From now on
22:51Anyone who needs to speak to me
22:52Has got to go through me first
22:54All right?
23:01Hey
23:03Hey
23:04Hey
23:04You all right?
23:07What's going on?
23:10Are you happy?
23:11Yes, I'm happy
23:13I know that you're like
23:14Happy and like you had fun today
23:17And that was fun
23:18But what about a year from now?
23:20What?
23:21What about five years from now?
23:22Pam
23:23Because I'm so glad you're back, baby
23:24But I'm just
23:26I was talking to Daryl
23:27And he was talking about the trip
23:30And I just feel like
23:31You're giving up so much
23:32This was my decision
23:34Not yours
23:35You didn't force me
23:36I kind of forced you to do it
23:37You did not force me to do this
23:39I don't know how else to tell you
23:40I'm afraid you're going to resent me
23:41And I'm afraid that this is not enough for you
23:43And I'm afraid that I'm not enough for you
23:47Is that really what you think?
23:52Not enough
23:54I don't know how else to explain it to her
23:55So
23:57You know what?
23:58I know it's against the rules
23:59But
24:00I'm going to need a favor from you guys
24:02Okay
24:03You got it, man
24:10I didn't realize we were this close
24:12Oh, we are, buddy
24:13We are this close
24:15Oh, Darren's probably feeling nostalgic
24:18We're all a little hormonal
24:19What the doc hearing
24:21Are you going to come to Port Richards
24:22And watch with us tonight?
24:24Uh, yeah
24:26Depending on the traffic
24:27He ain't coming
24:29Oh, God
24:32These dudes are definitely in a weird mood
24:35Picked the wrong day to return the truck
24:36Okay
24:37I should probably be taking off
24:39You know what really is tearing me to pieces?
24:42All the years Daryl was here
24:43I never gave him a hug
24:45I never gave Daryl a hug
24:46Oh, I purposely avoided hugs from Daryl
24:48Because his cologne's so overpowering
24:52Come here, big buddy
24:53I'm next, big buddy
24:54I could use a taste
25:01Oh, what?
25:03Here we go
25:05Webster's defines begging as the act of asking with earnestness and humility
25:21Oh, God
25:23Okay, I'm going to come
25:24I'm going to come with you
25:25To Port Richards tonight
25:28Okay
25:29Okay
25:30Okay
25:31Okay
25:31Okay
25:31Yes
25:32All right
25:32Yes
25:33Well, that's great
25:34That's great
25:35It feels good
25:37Okay
25:38No
25:42Okay
25:52Well, it's been great
25:53Eleven years
25:54A guy is in your life for eleven years
25:56And then he's gone for who knows how long
25:58Maybe forever
25:59Anyhow
26:00Could we ever have lunch together?
26:02Just
26:02Just the two of us
26:04You know what?
26:05I'm going to make reservations right now
26:07At Cucino's
26:08I reserve a half an hour to play checkers with Daryl
26:11Checkers is very important to me
26:12You all know that
26:14I got winners
26:15Question for Daryl
26:16Did we ever get loaded and listen to Zeppelin in my van?
26:19Oh
26:20Oh, I'm sure we did
26:21Nah
26:22I call one hour van time with Daryl
26:24Daryl, you know
26:25I would love to just record some of your stories
26:27Just let the tape roll for six or eight or ten hours
26:30And just see what we get
26:31Listen, guys
26:32We can do it all
26:33We just have to divide Daryl's next 12 hours
26:36Into 90-minute segments
26:37I will go watch an eHow video on how to use Excel
26:40And then we'll get this started
26:41Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
26:42Wait a minute
26:43Okay, I made the mistake of sneaking out of here
26:46And that's on me
26:47But
26:48I'm not going to spend the rest of the day here
26:50Doing stuff with you
26:52Because you're feeling sentimental
26:53You have to
26:55Hey, hey, hey
26:56I'll do one thing
26:57With y'all
26:59Which thing?
27:00I don't care
27:01Choose amongst yourselves
27:02Not the van, no
27:06Yes, it's right
27:09Kevin, Kevin
27:10Oh, you know my name
27:12Well, that is shocking
27:15Kevin, could you not do that?
27:17What?
27:18I'm moving the ink down in my pen
27:20For work
27:22Here, use my pen
27:23Don't tell me what to do
27:25I don't need this
27:26And you obviously don't need me
27:29Kevin, where are you going?
27:30Away
27:31Tell Philip
27:32That his stupid little baby wish came true
27:39He just won't go down
27:40And that's if he's excited by all this paper
27:43I know
27:44Earlier today
27:45He tried to eat some of the 24 weight letter bond
27:47Smart baby
27:49That's the most flavorful bond
27:57Hey, what's going on over here?
28:00Some sort of singing competition for the young'uns?
28:03You're back
28:04No, it's me, Annie
28:06No, I know
28:06No, no, no
28:07I'm wearing makeup
28:08You did a really great job
28:10You even look shorter
28:11Oh, I took out my lifts
28:12Oh
28:13Yeah, unlike Annie Bernard
28:14This character's my real hype
28:16Wait a second
28:17Are you a singer and an actor?
28:19You want to know the truth?
28:20Yeah
28:20Singer, actor, musician, dancer
28:24The quadruple threat
28:25It's so rare to meet another one
28:28Holy Toledo
28:29Hold on a second
28:31Hey
28:31Hey, producer of the singing show
28:34I got this old man who can really belt
28:36It's a real heartwarming human interest story
28:39What's that, you say?
28:40Yeah, be confused
28:42All day long it's moo the cows
28:44And cluck the hens
28:46Get the sheep bod
28:47Oink the pigs
28:49Oink the pigs
28:50That is very important
28:51Dwight
28:53I'm telling you about all the things that Ma said after the horse kicked her in the head
28:56Where are you?
28:59Dwight
29:00The way that boy looks at the Galactica
29:02Is precisely the way I look at the Galactica
29:06And he eats the same kind of paper I do
29:09Hmm
29:18Thank you, Esther
29:31You threw the summoning bag at me, sir
29:33I need you to perform a test
29:35Perform a test
29:36On an innocent baby
29:38Ooh
29:39I like where this is going
29:40Unfortunately, I have a lot on my plate today
29:42So I'm gonna have to hand this off to my number two
29:44But don't worry
29:46He's the best in the biz
29:48Damn straight
29:49Unless you think he can't handle it
29:50Hey
29:50He can handle it
29:58Listen, listen
29:59Shh, buddy
30:01Stanley's sleeping
30:02You don't want to wake up the grumpy little walrus, do you?
30:04I heard that
30:06Mama
30:08Hey, you want me to take the little diaper blaster?
30:10Pam can attest
30:11There's no one better at getting brats to shut their yaps
30:14He does have a gift
30:16Well, he's crying for his mom, but
30:18Okay, here
30:19Here you go
30:19Careful, he bites
30:20Mama
30:21Okay
30:25You ever been in a manager's office before?
30:28Phillip, you want to play a little game?
30:30It's called shrewd or consequences
30:32You're gonna choose one of these two things
30:35A check for a million dollars
30:38Or this dirty old beat
30:42Yuck
30:43Pew
30:43Which will it be?
30:47Money or the beat?
30:51Beat
30:52Yeah
30:53I see
30:55Any ordinary child would have taken the money
30:57But you're no ordinary child, are you?
30:59No
30:59I can tell by your gorgeous
31:03Widely set eyes
31:08Sorry, folks, the judges are totally swamped
31:11We are all done taking auditions
31:12Okay
31:13Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what?
31:15Thanks for coming out
31:16And please be sure to watch America's next acapella
31:19Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
31:20You can't do that
31:21You can't do that
31:22We've all been waiting
31:22Okay
31:23I am going in there
31:24Don't, don't, don't
31:26Please don't
31:26Touch me
31:27I'm not touching you
31:29Run, old man, run
31:32Run
31:33Run for your life
31:35Get, oh, don't you dare
31:36Don't get
31:37I saw you were going to get handsy with me
31:38Not interested
31:40I'm Casey Dean
31:42Be seeing the last of me
31:43Or I meant you won't be seeing the last of me
31:51Can I talk to you for a second?
31:53Well, I've never really had much for saying that, have I?
31:56Okay
31:56This is really hard for me
31:58But, uh, I don't think I should be with someone who doesn't want to be with me
32:03You're canceling our semi-non-date-ish standabout at Paul Richards?
32:08Yeah, that, whatever it is, it was, it's over, the whole thing
32:17Do you understand that you are breaking up with a woman who is in fact not dating you?
32:24Yes, I do
32:26For the first time in my life
32:28And it feels right
32:38What was that, exactly?
32:40Did Toby just reject me?
32:44Does he think by rejecting me, I'm going to suddenly want him?
32:48That old cliche
32:50Yeah, because it didn't work
32:52Newsflash, I still don't find Toby attractive
32:56Hmm?
32:57Even though he finally grew a spine
33:00And told me where to get off
33:02Alright, maybe I'll find him a tiny bit more attractive now
33:04But, I mean, come on
33:07Toby's my last chance
33:10Toby's my last chance
33:13And now he doesn't even want me
33:16My God, he's good
33:19Excuse me
33:23Hey, did you manage to feed him?
33:25I don't know what it is
33:25He just keeps spitting out the nipple
33:27That's because this baby is of superior intelligence
33:29And can tell when he's being tricked out of the experience of a real human breast
33:33Come on
33:34He's not that smart
33:36He doesn't know where I hid his duck
33:44I am beautiful
33:46Oh, no matter what they say
33:51Yes, words can't bring me down
33:56Oh, no, no, no
33:58You're still here?
33:59Ah, thank God
34:01Gloria Aiken, Santi Gold, Aaron Rodgers
34:03You're like my three favorite people ever
34:05Shh, shh
34:06Excuse me, what is this?
34:07Sweetheart, you're amazing, okay?
34:09You're obviously going to be on the show
34:10So, it's someone else's turn now
34:12Yep, go ahead
34:13Alright
34:15Um, my name is Ezra Cornell
34:18And I'm just a kindly old fellow with a song in my heart
34:23No, you're a middle-aged man with a lot of makeup on it
34:26Busted
34:28Got it, yes, alright
34:30Tried to get your attention with tricks
34:32But you just want to hear me sing, I respect that
34:34We do not want to hear you sing
34:37Gabriella was our last audition
34:39Thank you, goodbye
34:40Nope, can't end like this
34:42Slept in my car last night
34:44Quit my job, burned all my bridges
34:46I went to the bathroom on my boss's car
34:48And I did unspeakable things with Carla Fern
34:51Flag on the play
34:52That's, that's what, yeah
34:54Okay, alright, well here's the song
34:57Far above Cayuga's waters
35:00With her wave so blue
35:05Stands our noble alma mater
35:09What is this song?
35:10Are you insane?
35:12It's the Cornell fight song
35:13Listen, alright, thank you very much, we're not interested
35:16You didn't let me finish, that's not fair
35:18Look man, you're not terrible
35:19But we've heard a lot of really good singers today
35:21And you're just not good enough
35:23Wow, you guys are really mean
35:25I guess that's the show
35:27Let me try a different song, okay?
35:29Can you do this?
35:30Hey, hobo man
35:31Hey, dapper Dan
35:33You both got your style
35:35But brother, you're never fully dressed
35:38Without a smile
35:43Your clothes may be both probably
35:46Look, you gotta go
35:54You can't just sit here and cry
35:55Oh, I can't, so just sit here and cry
36:12Thank you
36:16Hey Kev, how you doing buddy?
36:19I can't hear you
36:20I'm giving you the silence treatment
36:23How does it feel being ignored?
36:27Okay, I guess it's just that Phillip got you something
36:30Yeah, a $25 gift card, iTunes
36:34I think there's like $7 left
36:36It's just his way of saying thanks for letting me hang out in accounting
36:40Phillip got this for me?
36:42Sure
36:44That was a really cool move
36:46Would you like to hold Phillip?
36:51Yeah, that's Kevin
36:54Whoa
36:54Easy
36:55What a chubbers
36:59Whoa
36:59Okay, I'm losing my balance
37:02Now Kevin
37:02Hey, no
37:03No, no horseplay
37:04Stop it
37:05You want to play with the cactus?
37:06No, no
37:07So me and Phillip were just talking and we've decided we're gonna be best friends
37:14He's a little standoffish at first, but once he starts buying you things, man, you can tell he likes you
37:26Tobey
37:26What?
37:29Nothing
37:30This is gonna come as a surprise to you
37:32Certainly came as a surprise to me
37:34But I have reconsidered
37:36And I will go to Paul Richards with you
37:39As your date
37:44No
37:45I don't want to be anybody's second choice
37:48Second choice?
37:50Oh, try 11th
37:51See, that's what I'm talking about
37:53Okay?
37:54You're making my point for me
37:56I want the fairy tale
37:59Sorry
38:07I want the fairy tale
38:13We have our decision
38:16You chose one thing
38:18We want to dance with you
38:20You want to dance?
38:22One dance
38:23All of us together
38:26This is what you want?
38:27Yes
38:28Absolutely
38:28Yeah
38:31Better get some decent speakers up here then
38:34Because we're gonna do this right
38:35Yeah
38:37Yeah
38:39Woo
38:45All right
38:46You want the fairy tale or here it is
38:49Toby
38:50I am throwing myself at you
38:53I want to be with you tonight
38:55Take me to this dark den
38:57And do with me
38:58And do with me
38:59As you please
39:02Wow
39:06Okay then
39:07That's all I wanted
39:09Somebody wanting me for me
39:11You know
39:12Not me always running after them
39:15It's kind of rousing
39:17So
39:18Yes
39:20Yes
39:21Yes
39:21I will go with you
39:23To poor Richard's tonight
39:25As your date
39:31No
39:33Sorry
39:34Oh
39:34I'm so sorry
39:36No
39:36No I can't
39:38I can't
39:38I thought I could
39:39I can't
39:40Oh it's remarkable isn't it
39:41How close we come to making life
39:43Destroying choices
39:44But
39:44No
39:45So
39:47So sorry though
39:49Buffalo wings on me tonight
39:51Though
39:53Hmm
39:59All right
40:01Free wings from a woman
40:03It's not too shabby
40:06Hey
40:07You wanted to see me
40:08Door
40:09Chair
40:13It's about Philip
40:14I'm sorry he's here today
40:15But I had this
40:16I believe
40:16That that boy
40:18May be a shrewt
40:19And if he is
40:21That child
40:22Needs to be accorded
40:24What is his
40:24An enormous farm
40:26An inheritance
40:27And the right to be raised
40:29Under rigorous shrewt traditions
40:32You will
40:33Of course
40:33Be compensated
40:35With a marriage proposal
40:39How thoughtful
40:41Then the two of you
40:41Would move to my
40:421600 acre estate
40:43Which let's face it
40:44Is a big step up
40:45From living in a gay man's closet
40:48If
40:49He is your son
40:52That's a great plan
40:54But he's not
40:57He's not your son
41:00Very well
41:03Can I go back to my desk now
41:04Yes
41:18What's this
41:19Well I've been trying to tell you
41:20How I feel
41:21And
41:23You wouldn't believe me
41:24So
41:26I needed a little help
41:29Jim
41:29I need my assistant
41:30To the regional manager
41:31Code red
41:32Okay
41:32I don't have my pocket
41:33Code chart on me
41:33Right now
41:34So
41:35Now
41:37I have an assistant now
41:38Who can help you
41:39With whatever you need
41:40He is lazy
41:41So crack the whip
41:42Jim
41:42I'm not kidding
41:44I need you
41:49Go ahead
41:51Okay
41:51Um
41:53This is
41:55I'll be right back
42:01What do we got
42:02I was thinking of proposing
42:04To Esther today
42:05Wow
42:05Okay congratulations
42:07That's a really big step
42:08She's got a ton of great qualities
42:10She's young
42:10She's beautiful
42:11Jeans so pure
42:12You could lick them
42:14Her family admires me
42:16My family tolerates hers
42:17A lot of them are the same people
42:18Because we're third cousins
42:20Which is great for bloodlines
42:21And isn't technically incest
42:23Right in the sweet spot
42:24I think you're going to be really happy
42:25Plus her dowry
42:26Contains a walk-in freezer
42:28Full of frozen premium cattle sperm
42:31That's a lot of pros
42:32And did I mention that she weaves
42:33Colorful durable blankets and rugs
42:35It all adds up
42:36So what is the problem?
42:43Angela
43:10I don't know what you want me to tell you man
43:14All I know is that
43:16Every time I've been faced
43:18With a tough decision
43:21There's only one thing
43:23That outweighs every other concern
43:25One thing that
43:26Will make you give up
43:28On everything you thought you knew
43:31Every instinct
43:33Every rational calculation
43:36Some sort of virus?
43:38Love
43:40Oh
44:00The anger swells in my guts
44:06And I won't feel these slices
44:09And cuts
44:14I want so much to open your eyes
44:21Cause I need you to look into mine
44:29Tell me that you'll open your eyes
44:36Tell me that you'll open your eyes
44:42Tell me that you'll open your eyes
44:49Tell me that you'll open your eyes
44:51Tell me that you'll open your eyes
45:00Dwight, listen, no matter what happens, you gotta forget about all the other stuff.
45:07You gotta forget about logic, and fear, and doubt.
45:12You just gotta do everything you can to get to the one woman who's gonna make all this
45:18worth it.
45:19At the end of the day, you gotta jump.
45:28You love Angela, Dwight.
45:32I think you always have.
45:38You're a good assistant, Jim.
45:40I'm not as good as you.
45:43That's very true.
45:47Get the hell out of here.
45:48You got it.
45:50I was just, um, checking out my presents.
45:54This is an amazing gift, because it comes with bonus gifts.
45:59Look inside.
46:05Oh my god.
46:08The yearbook picture.
46:10Yes.
46:10Incredible.
46:11Is this the boggle timer?
46:12I didn't think we didn't get that one.
46:14I really didn't.
46:15Oh no.
46:15This is like the best present ever.
46:17Wow.
46:17Okay, wait.
46:19What is this?
46:20The mini golf that's what you threw at me.
46:23Like three years ago, you saved this?
46:26And I won't waste a minute without you.
46:35You watched it.
46:38Yeah.
46:39Well, then I guess you're ready for this.
46:44What's that?
46:45It's from the teapot.
46:48Everything you'll ever need to know is in that note.
47:08Not enough for me.
47:10You are everything.
47:25Okay.
47:26Ready, everybody?
47:27Hand it, Brad.
50:30I've got my...
50:31See you guys at Poor Richard's.
50:32All right, Meredith.
50:33All right.
50:34See you there.
50:34Bye, Philip.
50:35Listen, high five.
50:38Yay!
50:40I'm gonna drop Philip off at my mother's and I'll meet you at Poor Richard's in an hour.
50:44You sure you don't want me to drop him off?
50:45She doesn't know I'm living with a straight woman.
50:47I don't wanna get her hopes up.
50:49All right.
50:50Bye, buddy.
50:50Bye, bye, bye.
50:51Oh, my goodness.
51:00Pull over.
51:02Dwight?
51:03Move to the side of the road.
51:06Why?
51:06Pull over.
51:09Dwight!
51:13Dwight!
51:14What the f*** is your problem?
51:17Who drives like that?
51:19I love you.
51:19And I don't care if a pen-up's not my son.
51:22I will raise a hundred children with a hundred of your lovers if it means I can be with you.
51:29Can you put that down?
51:31This expresses how loudly I love you.
51:34It's too loud.
51:41This is a ring.
51:43Taken from the buttocks of my grandmother.
51:46Put there by the gangster patriarch of the Coors dynasty.
51:50Melted in a foundry run by Mennonites.
51:53Okay.
51:53Yes.
51:54Yes, I will.
51:59I love you.
52:01I love you.
52:04And I lied to you.
52:05What?
52:07Phillip's your son.
52:08What?
52:09Why would you say that?
52:10I just needed you to want to marry me because you wanted to marry me.
52:16Get out!
52:18I'm a dad!
52:19You're a dad!
52:28Hey, grab a seat.
52:29We have that table and that table, but not that table or that table or that table.
52:34Floor's up for grabs.
52:35Meredith has been hogging the can.
52:39Oh.
52:42You have to change the channel to PBS.
52:44Yeah.
52:45College baseball's on.
52:46Well, there's a documentary coming up.
52:47Everyone in the bar will love it.
52:48What's it about?
52:49A paper company.
52:52How many people want the game?
52:53Yes!
52:54Yes!
52:55Who wants PBS?
52:57Woo!
52:59Sorry.
53:00Time means I do nothing.
53:02Sir, please.
53:03This show is about me and my attempts to find love in all the wrong places.
53:10One more for the doc.
53:11Hey!
53:13Hey!
53:14Andy!
53:15Andy!
53:16All right.
53:17Yes!
53:19Hey, how was the singing show audition?
53:20Oh.
53:22Eh.
53:22Whatever.
53:23No big deal.
53:25Okay.
53:2630 seconds to showtime.
53:29I feel scared a little.
53:31Yeah, I'm not ready for this.
53:33No one is ready for this.
53:34You can't be ready for this.
53:35We don't even know what this is.
53:36One thing we do know, nothing will ever be the same.
53:40Here we go.
53:45All right, Jim.
53:46Your quarterlies look very good.
53:48How are things going at the library?
53:50Oh, I told you.
53:50I couldn't close it, so...
53:52So, you've come to the master for guidance.
53:55Is this what you're saying, Grasshopper?
53:57Actually, you called me in here.
53:59All right.
54:00Well, let me show you how it's done.
54:33Music playing
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