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00:03You know that it's a new material night for experienced acts and it's also brand new
00:09beginners so if you've never done stand-up before this is where you come and do stand-up.
00:22Right Glasgow, I've got another newbie, never done this before. Please welcome to the stage.
00:38This is Will. This is terrifying! Slow down! And this is Ralph. I feel like a powerful badass.
00:45We've been mates for 20 odd years. Come here, let's have a snuggle.
00:50We might look like middle-aged blokes. Yeah, this is great fun. But really, we're just a pair of massive,
01:02noisy kids. Where have you got that cake from? So what will it take for us to grow up? I'm
01:07really tired.
01:09Embrace modern life. Should've gone for some subtle nails, like mine. And become better.
01:14Let it run, we found a survivor. Maturer men. Look at these times, there's something wrong with these.
01:30and 2nd of them.
01:38And I would walk 500 miles, and I would walk 500 more just to be the man.
01:49So come on then, why are we here in Scotland?
01:52We're investigating fear.
01:56What are you scared of?
01:58I mean, kind of everything.
01:59No, no, no.
02:00You're a nervous man.
02:01I'm getting scared of getting older.
02:02I'm scared of dying.
02:04I've got some bad news for you.
02:05Yeah, no, shut it.
02:06I don't believe that's going to happen to me, I've told you.
02:08I think technology's going to catch up quick.
02:10I'm going to come up with a way that I can live forever.
02:12I think you're just going to miss it.
02:14Right.
02:16There is something that we've both talked about a lot,
02:19something that genuinely scares us,
02:20something that both of us are frightened of.
02:22We've talked about, we've dreamed about,
02:23we've threatened to doom over the years.
02:26Stand-up comedy.
02:28Stand-up comedy.
02:29Have you booked us in?
02:30We'll make it.
02:31We're not doing it, are we?
02:32We, in a matter of days, are live stand-up comedy,
02:38just a normal comedy night in which you and I are two of several acts.
02:46Will and I are each booked to perform a solo comedy set
02:50at the famous Stand Comedy Club in Glasgow.
02:55Now that I've said it out loud, it's a terrible idea.
02:59Ralph, seriously.
03:01But in Scotland?
03:03We're in Scotland.
03:03In Glasgow.
03:05A place famously welcoming to the English.
03:08Exactly.
03:10To get us ready, I've arranged a meeting with top stand-up comedian,
03:14Susie McCabe.
03:17It's 28 degrees, the moon's out, I'm Scottish, I'm like,
03:22pass the factor 50, hen.
03:25I do not trust the moonburn, get me.
03:28The factor 50.
03:30There is a known saying in our industry,
03:32the scariest thing you can do is do stand-up comedy.
03:36I've never, ever looked at it like that.
03:38I remember a friend who said to me,
03:41it's not nerves, mate, it's just adrenaline.
03:44I know that there's...
03:44Yeah, but if no-one laughs,
03:45there's going to be adrenaline all in the back of my underpants,
03:47I'll tell you that.
03:49Comedy's, it's got such a wide spectrum of what some people
03:51might find funny, what I might find funny.
03:54You might not, he might not.
03:55I mean, I've stood and looked at a room in hysterics
03:58and then half the room going,
04:00I don't know what this person's doing.
04:03Have you died on stage?
04:04Aye, everyone dies at some point.
04:06But it's what you've got, you've got to learn.
04:09You've got to learn.
04:10But let me tell you this, right?
04:11See if you come off after five minutes of laugh,
04:15you will be up there for days.
04:17It is genuinely the greatest feeling in the world.
04:20Here's what I need you to do.
04:21Yes?
04:22Write yourselves, you're actors,
04:24write yourselves a script.
04:26Okay.
04:26Get a pad and pen, get a little A3 notebook,
04:29and get writing.
04:31Yeah.
04:31Don't lie me down, boys.
04:32My reputations on the line,
04:34yeah, my reputations on the line.
04:36Thank you very much.
04:37Stand up!
04:39Stand up!
04:42Stand up!
04:43How did you feel after that?
04:44She was nice, Susie, wasn't she?
04:46Really nice, and actually made me feel a bit better.
04:49Did she?
04:50Well, because she just said,
04:51be confident in what you're saying, you know.
04:53If you're a little nervous, they'll be nervous.
04:54I think that's what I got from her.
04:56Is that what you heard?
04:57What did you hear?
05:00I'll tell you what I heard.
05:02It's terrifying.
05:03Yes, it's terrifying.
05:11Okay, right.
05:12You're always going about,
05:13I'm not scared of things,
05:14you know, I'm aliens and, you know,
05:16and spirits and all that shit.
05:17Well, I think I've actually done something
05:19that you would find more frightening than any of that.
05:22What I've done,
05:23that I think you'd find more frightening...
05:25Enlighten me.
05:27..is have a child.
05:29Oh.
05:30Yes.
05:31Yes, actually, commit to something.
05:33Commitment.
05:34Like, I have had two kids and brought them up, right?
05:37So...
05:37Yeah.
05:38..I thought, to give you a little taste...
05:42Oh, God.
05:44..I'm taking you to a place,
05:45it's like a charity set-up,
05:46where dads can go and learn
05:49how to be good parents.
05:51What to expect from a baby.
05:53This is...
05:53How to be a parent.
05:54Living nightly.
05:58You'll learn something.
06:02Hello.
06:03Today's group is being run
06:04by co-founder Thomas Lynch.
06:08What's the worry about children?
06:10It's a lot of work, innit?
06:12I bought a bread maker once,
06:14and I loved making that bread,
06:15but after a little while,
06:16I was like, I'll just unplug it
06:17and put it under the cupboard.
06:18Put it in the garage.
06:19You can't really do that
06:20with babies, can you?
06:21That's the first time
06:22I've ever heard a child
06:23compared to a bread maker.
06:24At first, all they are is...
06:26is you've got to feed them
06:27and clean them,
06:29and that's sort of it for a while.
06:31You don't get much back,
06:32do you, for a while?
06:33And that can be quite soul-destroying.
06:34It's like...
06:34Well, especially for you guys,
06:36you need that attention, right?
06:38I mean, you're not wrong,
06:40but I didn't expect to be called out
06:41quite so quickly and accurately, yeah.
06:44There is definitely a little bit
06:45that you need to give,
06:46but as soon as they make little noises,
06:47as soon as their eyes are opening,
06:49it's brilliant.
06:50Ralph, what is it
06:51that you're most afraid of,
06:52do you think?
06:55I've lived a lot of my life
06:57having a mentality
06:59where there's nothing
07:01I can't walk away from.
07:05It's actually terrifying to me,
07:07the idea of loving something
07:09so completely
07:12and irreversibly.
07:14Yeah, you can't walk away from it.
07:16I can't walk away from it intact.
07:18That's terrifying to me.
07:20I think we should go over,
07:22get some hands-on experience,
07:24change some nappies.
07:25OK.
07:25Let's go.
07:27Good evening, come on in, come on in.
07:29Are these your regulars?
07:31Yeah.
07:31The groups have run
07:32multiple times a week
07:33across Scotland,
07:34giving free advice
07:35to new and expecting dads.
07:37Knowledge is power.
07:38Look after the neck.
07:39Is anyone expecting a baby?
07:41You?
07:41When is it coming?
07:43In November.
07:43How are you feeling?
07:44Nervous, excited.
07:46I'm going to show you
07:47how to put a baby in a car seat.
07:48You want to get the baby
07:49as snug as possible.
07:51What age is the baby
07:52when you sort of
07:54get your life back?
07:58So, we're going to show you
07:59how to change a nappy on a baby.
08:00This is a newborn baby,
08:02so you don't need to take it
08:03over the baby's head
08:03and that's important
08:04for when you have
08:05what we call Poonami
08:06or Poonageddon.
08:07Ralph, so...
08:08Hi.
08:09You've got to change a nappy.
08:10Hands on.
08:15Hiya.
08:16You taking your watch off?
08:17Because I don't want to
08:18scratch the baby
08:19with me watch, do I?
08:19You don't want shit
08:20on your watch, that's what it is.
08:21I don't want shit on me watch.
08:22Right, okay.
08:25I have no skin in the game,
08:27really, in there.
08:28And it even was making me nervous.
08:29It was like,
08:30there's a lot.
08:31It was almost like
08:32just theoretically
08:32picturing the responsibility.
08:34It felt like a lot.
08:35It's twinkle, twinkle,
08:38twinkle, little star.
08:39Exactly.
08:39Beautiful singing.
08:42Oh, God.
08:45Michelle!
08:47This one's for you.
08:49That's how I'd play that.
08:51Right, so you've got to be careful
08:52you don't lift the baby too high
08:53because of the baby's neck.
08:55No, that's fine.
08:57Put the big wings to the back
08:58and keep it nice and flat.
09:00Do you know what?
09:00I was watching that today
09:02with him changing his nappy
09:04and I missed it.
09:06Even though it's really hard
09:07and I might be looking at it
09:09through rose-tinted glasses,
09:11but my kids are all grown up now
09:13and it just,
09:14you realise how quick time goes.
09:16I miss being a dad
09:17that the kids, you know,
09:19need and look up to.
09:20That was a magical part of it.
09:23There we go.
09:24There you go.
09:25That looks good.
09:27Amazing.
09:28Oh, it's just shit again.
09:32Fucking hell.
09:33That's life.
09:35Beautiful, well done.
09:36Well done.
09:37Before we leave,
09:39Thomas has one little gift for Ralph.
09:41We have your very own baby
09:43to look after
09:44for at least the next 24 hours,
09:47but maybe 20 years
09:49and you need to be responsible.
09:53You can do this.
09:54Come on, Ralph.
09:55Look after the neck, remember.
09:56Baby will respond to you.
09:58There you go.
09:59You need to think of a name.
10:00Do you have a middle name?
10:02Alistair.
10:02It's a good solid Scottish name.
10:03That's a good Scottish name, yeah.
10:04There you go, call Alistair.
10:05You have a night with it tonight.
10:08It's making noises.
10:11You'll be all right.
10:12Yeah, we're fine.
10:13We believe in you.
10:14You can do it.
10:15I think you can do it.
10:17Right, thank you, everybody.
10:18Thanks for your time, guys.
10:19And good luck.
10:21Cheers.
10:21And thank you, everybody.
10:44Ralph, it might have shits itself.
10:46It might have...
10:47Hold on.
10:48He's calming down.
10:48Oh, see what I mean?
10:49You've just got to hold your nerve.
10:51He'll stop.
10:54Good girl.
10:55Well, it was a boy.
10:57Good boy.
11:01I'll take care of it.
11:08Ralph, you can't just put the music on.
11:10I can't hear it.
11:11Ralph, that's not the king.
11:13You've got to sort it out.
11:14I had to escape.
11:16The city was a big cruise.
11:21Ralph.
11:23Yes, he's still coming.
11:26It worked.
11:28It worked.
11:29Yes.
11:30Yes.
11:32I drove all night to get to you.
11:39I'm the best dad ever.
11:43I drove all night.
11:51Fun, isn't it, being parent?
11:53Isn't it fun being parent?
11:55Why are you saying this to me?
11:55We're the parents.
11:56Hey, you're the parent.
11:58I've done my shift.
12:00You didn't use protection.
12:02You have responsibility to.
12:04You don't just walk away.
12:04See what happens to our relationship
12:06once a baby gets put into it.
12:07Yes.
12:07See what happens.
12:08Yes.
12:10Go and see it to the baby.
12:12See it to the baby.
12:13Don't you talk to me like that.
12:15You don't need to talk to me like this.
12:16Show the baby out.
12:17It's your baby.
12:21Oh, God.
12:23Are you feeding it or something?
12:25I don't know.
12:25Where's this bottle?
12:27Give him the bop-bop.
12:29It's miserable.
12:31What are you doing?
12:32I'm turning it off.
12:34You're not supposed to do that.
12:37Magic.
12:37Great idea.
12:39Let's get out of here.
12:44That's the way you deal with a baby.
12:45That worked.
12:46Wouldn't it be great if you could just do that
12:47when they're crying?
12:48Just switch it off for a bit.
12:51Shall we go to pub?
12:52Yeah.
13:02Yeah, it's been a funny old day.
13:05Just in general for me.
13:07It's through some...
13:07I can see it threw some questions into your mind
13:10that you weren't expecting.
13:11Yeah.
13:12I can tell from your reaction
13:13that you was a bit like,
13:15maybe there is a reason,
13:18a bit deeper,
13:19why I haven't had children.
13:21For sure.
13:23There is.
13:23Yeah.
13:26My parents were fantastic with us
13:28and did the best that they could.
13:30Yeah.
13:31But their relationship broke down
13:33really in a really difficult way
13:36and that was very difficult for us.
13:37Yeah, yeah.
13:41There's no way of putting this
13:42that's not blunt,
13:43but they had three kids
13:47in an idyllic family life
13:48and then one of the kids
13:49was alive,
13:50one where you can dead the next.
13:51And everything,
13:54their entire lives crumbled
13:56right in front of their eyes
13:57from that moment on.
13:58It's like,
14:00you know,
14:00you can't protect them.
14:02My mom was really...
14:08My mom was really protective of us.
14:11Really protective.
14:14And it happened anyway.
14:16It happened anyway
14:17because you can't wrap your kids
14:19in cotton wool and protect them 24-7.
14:22Like, it's a lot.
14:25And it's only when I'm forced
14:26to sort of say these things out loud
14:27that I realise quite what a lot it is.
14:30Yeah, yeah.
14:31There's no guarantees, is there?
14:36I don't know.
14:48How's the stand-up coming along?
14:50Do you have any ideas?
14:52It's getting closer and closer.
14:53I'm absolutely shitting about it.
14:55This is the thing is,
14:56I think my stomach's got worse
14:58since I realised we were doing stand-up.
15:00You think it's possible
15:01you might shit yourself?
15:02Yeah.
15:02Well, I've got some good news for you.
15:05What?
15:07For our next adventure
15:09to investigate fear,
15:11you've said to me
15:11on more than one occasion
15:13on our podcast or whatever,
15:14you've said to me,
15:15do you know what I'd really love to do?
15:16I'd love to be in the circus.
15:18I'd probably be a clown.
15:20I feel like that.
15:22100%.
15:22Yeah.
15:23We're going to the circus.
15:24We're going to join the circus?
15:25Yeah, and we're not actually going to be clowns.
15:29I thought we might do something
15:30a little more challenging,
15:31something that might challenge fears.
15:35What?
15:39Up!
15:40Okay, knees up.
15:41Hook them on.
15:42That's it.
15:43Hands off.
15:44Look up.
15:46Leg straight.
15:48Up!
16:00Nice.
16:01You must be out of your fucking mind
16:03if you think we're going to be able to do that.
16:05Scott Craig started out in the circus
16:07as a child in Australia nearly 30 years ago
16:10and now teaches trapeze
16:12here at Community Circus Paisley.
16:16This place is basically a circus school.
16:18It's now, I think,
16:19one of only two indoor flying trapeze rigs in the UK.
16:22Wow.
16:22So what is it we're actually going to be doing?
16:25So we're going to start with the very first trick
16:26that everyone starts with on flying trapeze,
16:28which is a knee hang,
16:29which is literally just bringing your knees up,
16:31hooking them onto the bar,
16:33taking your hands off,
16:33hanging from your knees
16:34as you swing through towards the catcher.
16:36The catcher will grab you first
16:38and then you'll take your legs off the bar
16:39and you go for a swing on the catcher.
16:41That's the first thing.
16:42The way he made that sound really simple.
16:44I thought he was going to go,
16:45she's going to swing by your arms.
16:46I thought I was going to do that!
16:48Yeah, we'll start bit by bit.
16:49We'll start on the ground.
16:50It's pretty simple.
16:50It's just, if you can lie on the ground,
16:52bring your knees up to your chest.
16:54You've got it.
17:01I have to say, I'm loving the outfits.
17:02Thanks, mate.
17:03I noticed that you're not sporting one.
17:06Lie down on the ground.
17:07That's it.
17:09You're going to grab this stick
17:10and hold it above your heads.
17:12So you're going to imagine you're hanging down.
17:15That's it.
17:16So the secret to getting your legs under the bar.
17:18Scott, I'm exhausted already.
17:20All I'm doing is lying down with my hands.
17:21As hard as it gets, don't worry.
17:23You're going to bring your knees up.
17:24That's it.
17:25And then roll them right up,
17:26right up, right up, right up.
17:27All right, Scott.
17:29Nice to meet you.
17:30Jesus Christ.
17:31Take by me dinner first.
17:33Yes, there we go.
17:34I'm stuck.
17:36Let's try it again, right.
17:38Look down at your feet.
17:39Yep.
17:39Roll your feet right up to the bar if you can.
17:41Even further, even further.
17:42Keep going, keep going, keep going.
17:44That's it, right up.
17:44There we go.
17:45That's it, that's it.
17:46Get out of the bar.
17:49Jesus Christ.
17:52Scott, Scott, Scott.
17:54You said anyone could do this.
17:56This isn't easy at all.
17:58There we go.
17:59See?
18:00Wait!
18:02I don't know how it happens.
18:05Okay, I've got it.
18:06Okay, here we go.
18:07It's impossible.
18:09Oh, there we go.
18:13I'm not flexible.
18:15Like a piece of metal.
18:16I don't bend.
18:17When you lean out,
18:18keep your hips forward and your shoulders back.
18:20Give me all of your weight.
18:21Straight legs.
18:22Yep, feet apart a little bit more.
18:23Sorry, that was me ankles.
18:24Did you hear that snap?
18:25Yes, that was me ankles.
18:27I felt that through the floor.
18:28I think he thought we might have had experience
18:30because he was like,
18:31do that, do that, let go, done.
18:33I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa.
18:34So you jump backwards,
18:35bring your hips and your toes forward
18:36to go down that water slide.
18:38Okay.
18:39Shoulders back.
18:40Imagine you're rowing a boat.
18:41Hips forwards.
18:41What?
18:42Hips forwards.
18:43No, no, this is hard.
18:44That's it, there we go.
18:45Did I think Scott's training was a bit rushed?
18:49I think he just thinks
18:50we can all do what he can do.
18:52Look down at your knees,
18:53bring your knees up and around.
18:54Push the bar over,
18:55hook your knees on,
18:56hold on tight.
18:57When I say hands off,
18:58you're going to let go
18:58and arch right back.
19:00Scott.
19:01And then we'll just come back up to here.
19:02Scott, what are you talking about?
19:04Under the bar.
19:04You've got it, you've got it.
19:06Hook him on.
19:07And then hands off.
19:09I can't.
19:10I've got you.
19:11I can't.
19:11I've got you, you can't possibly come down.
19:12I can't let go.
19:13Scott, I can't let go.
19:15I've got all your weight.
19:15Scott, I can't let go.
19:17Wait.
19:19Seriously,
19:20I can feel my heartbeat in my eyes.
19:24Let's do it.
19:25You go first.
19:29Tell you what, though,
19:30that ladder looks really sturdy.
19:31Oh, yeah.
19:34You don't have to think.
19:36Just do what you're told
19:36when you're told it.
19:43No.
19:45Mental.
19:47Oh, my God.
19:48No, I'm sorry.
19:48I can't let it go.
19:49There's no way.
19:50There's no way, mate.
19:51You've got it.
19:52You're halfway there.
19:53No, I can't do it.
19:54I'm telling you, there's no way.
19:56You've got it.
19:57We're facing our fears.
19:58All right.
19:59But letting go of that bar,
20:01once you've got one hand on,
20:02to do that,
20:03and lean over.
20:08Go on, you can do it.
20:10Have you called on me?
20:12Yeah.
20:13Oh, sorry, sir, I can't.
20:14Seriously.
20:15I've got to shake myself.
20:16They've got you,
20:17and I've got you on the lines as well.
20:19Oh, my God.
20:19Honestly, this is horrible.
20:20Let go!
20:24I can't do it.
20:25I can't.
20:25Get me down.
20:26I'm not doing it.
20:27I can't do it.
20:30I don't know if it's because
20:30I'm getting older or what,
20:31but that doubt
20:34and that fear
20:36was more than it's ever been before.
20:43You can't do it.
20:53We ready?
20:55Yep.
20:55Go for it.
20:55There's no way.
20:58That's awful.
20:59It's awful.
21:01It's horrible.
21:06I'll tell you what, Will.
21:08It's quite high up
21:09when you look from this angle, isn't it?
21:10Oh, is it?
21:11Oh, no, no, no.
21:12Let go, Ralph.
21:13It's rather high.
21:14Let go, Ralph.
21:16You're safe.
21:16They've got you.
21:18It's horrible.
21:19I can't even reach it.
21:20I can't reach.
21:22I told you.
21:25I can't reach it.
21:26Just grab it.
21:27There we go.
21:28There you go.
21:28Now what?
21:29Okay.
21:29You ready?
21:31Yeah.
21:31Yeah.
21:32Okay.
21:32So you're listening to me, yeah?
21:34Yeah.
21:34Everything I say at the right time.
21:35Here we go.
21:36So bend, jump.
21:38That's it.
21:38Relax now.
21:39Knees up.
21:40Come on.
21:41Under the bar.
21:42Go, go, go.
21:42Okay, stay there.
21:43I'm going to give you a bit of swing.
21:45Okay.
21:46Gently hands off.
21:47Look right up.
21:49Leg straight.
21:50Yes.
21:51Oh.
21:53So you're not such a big deal.
21:58Water, bastard.
22:00That was actually amazing.
22:02Fuck off.
22:03Okay.
22:04Truth.
22:06The...
22:07Getting the second hand on it is by far the worst bit.
22:10It's horrendous.
22:11By far the worst bit.
22:12But from the moment you go, it's like, oh, this is great.
22:15You are...
22:15You 1 million percent can do it.
22:17I don't think I can.
22:18You can do it.
22:19The worst thing that can possibly happen has already happened,
22:23which is putting on that outfit.
22:26That is true.
22:27You got this.
22:29These things that you take for granted as a kid.
22:31I used to go to parks, swing from me ankles.
22:34No fear, no problem.
22:36I'm 49 now.
22:39And you can tell.
22:41Take your hands.
22:47The longer you're up there thinking about it, the worse it gets.
22:50So the second time, I just went, just do it.
22:53Yeah, you got it.
22:54Just stay there.
22:55Stay there.
22:55That's exactly it.
22:56You're safe.
22:57He's got you.
22:57Bend, jump.
22:591, 2, 3.
23:00Go, go, go.
23:01Yes.
23:02Go on, Storm.
23:04Yeah.
23:05Nice.
23:06Okay, ready?
23:06Knees up now.
23:07There's fucking no chance I'm lifting my knees up.
23:09Knees up on the outside.
23:11Do it.
23:11I'm going to let go.
23:13I'm going to let go.
23:13Do it.
23:14Okay, when I say, when I say.
23:15Ready?
23:16Let go.
23:16Let go now.
23:17When I say.
23:18Yes.
23:19Nice one.
23:19Fuck that.
23:20You can stay in me fucking hands.
23:22Wait there, one second.
23:25You did it.
23:26I'm proud of you.
23:27I don't mean to do that again.
23:27That's fantastic.
23:28That's bollocks.
23:29Once you were swinging, did you not enjoy it?
23:31Nope.
23:32Will wasn't keen on another attempt, but Scott wanted me to try for a full catch,
23:37swinging from one trapeze over to another gymnast.
23:40Okay.
23:41Should we go for a catch?
23:43Yeah?
23:44Okay.
23:44So Adam's going to tell you to bend and jump, and then you'll listen to me, and then Adam
23:48will say, leg straight, yeah?
23:50So bend and jump to start?
23:52Adam says, yeah.
23:55Okay.
23:56So left hand on that bar.
23:59Yeah, bar's coming up.
24:00No chance.
24:01Second hand on.
24:02It's the worst bit, innit?
24:05Okay.
24:06Ready on board?
24:07Here we go.
24:08Bend!
24:09Jump!
24:09Good.
24:11Good.
24:11Knees up.
24:11Hook them on.
24:13That's it.
24:14Hands off.
24:15Look up.
24:17Quick.
24:18Yes, son!
24:20Get in there, lad!
24:22From the shield that it is, from the shield that it is, I'm gonna feel like tomorrow.
24:34Woo!
24:35Woo!
24:37Woo!
24:38Woo!
24:38Woo!
24:40That was amazing!
24:43That was great fun!
24:43That was amazing, mate.
24:46That was unbelievable.
24:47Unbelievable.
24:48That was a real thrill.
24:50Superb.
24:51You can get on one last time, can't you?
24:53Plenty of chalk on the hands.
24:54I can't keep failing, because it's not good for me head.
24:56I just keep thinking, I'm just shaking.
24:57Hold on, you haven't failed.
24:59I've not felt like that for a while.
25:00My brain going, you can't do this.
25:03The older you get, the less you do, so the more scared you are of doing things that you've
25:07never done before.
25:08I think that's the key.
25:09And I hate it.
25:11You did phenomenally today, to get from where you started, to where you were
25:15achieved.
25:15I appreciate your time, though, and thank you.
25:17No, that's great, haven't you?
25:18I'm sorry about that.
25:18Come back any time, we'll get there.
25:20On the face of it, it looks like I had more success today than he did.
25:24But I'm not scared of heights.
25:25Will went, that looks terrifying, I'm not gonna be able to do any of it.
25:29And he overcame several layers of fear, and did what he did.
25:34And actually, I think that's measurably, probably a bigger success.
25:43What happens if I get that fear when I'm on stage doing stand-up?
25:48Are you worried that it might, then?
25:49Confidence is everything, you know.
25:50Yeah.
25:51Even if you're not confident, you can sell that you are.
25:53Yeah.
25:54And that is what stand-up's about.
25:56Yeah.
25:56And that's just not me confidence.
25:57So when we go to do the stand-up, I'm not gonna be as confident as I would have been
26:02if I hadn't have done that.
26:04Do you think it's too late to back out?
26:09It's the afternoon of the performance, and we're meeting Susie to get our first look
26:13at the venue.
26:16Well, there's no going back now, mate.
26:19Susie.
26:20Susie!
26:20Hi, boys.
26:21How's it going?
26:22Oh, come on over.
26:23This feels like the long walk.
26:25Dead men walking on the mile!
26:29So, you will have tables and everything, I mean...
26:32That close?
26:33Yeah, yeah, yeah.
26:34There?
26:34It has to be.
26:36Oh, no.
26:37Even though we've never done this, it feels like it's close enough to what we are known
26:42for doing.
26:43Even though we know it's very different, I think there's an added pressure to that.
26:46There's no way I would have signed up to do this if I thought you'd be terrible.
26:50No, thanks.
26:51So, now added pressure from Susie?
26:53Yeah, it does.
26:53Don't let us down.
26:54You're my comedy children.
26:57We're keeping our material secret from each other, so Susie has given us feedback in private.
27:02But we won't see each other perform until tonight.
27:05Hands out your pockets.
27:07Listen off.
27:08Right.
27:09I've not learnt any of this yet.
27:11Ladies and gentlemen, please, welcome to this stage, Will Miller!
27:16Yes, people!
27:18Why, did Will go with no notes?
27:19Did he?
27:21Shit house.
27:21I will plan and plan.
27:23I just turned 49 and shitting myself has become a bit more of a regularity.
27:27Ralph will leave everything to the last minute.
27:29That's just how he is.
27:31Well, this is scary already.
27:36Thank you so much for welcoming me into this warm, dark space.
27:41It's very inviting.
27:48As always, in retrospect, I wish I'd spent longer on it.
27:52It's a young man's game.
27:54Trusting farts is a young man's game.
27:55That's funny.
27:56Yes!
27:57I liked it when you'd done the thing about kids being spoiled.
28:01You always punch up, mate.
28:02You've got to punch up.
28:04That's very funny.
28:05I can't help you.
28:05That's how we flip it round.
28:07That's it.
28:07That's a great shout.
28:08Thank you, Susie.
28:09Really appreciate your help.
28:10Right.
28:11Good hours.
28:13I'm battling with this thing of going, it's a few hours away now.
28:16And as it stuns, I still have essentially nothing.
28:20But do you know what?
28:21You became less nervous as you get further into it.
28:24You looked less at your nose.
28:25I think it is so much stronger than what you think it is.
28:29Okay.
28:29I really do.
28:31I really do.
28:32So, yeah.
28:34Okay.
28:35I'm going to go and spend a few hours learning this, rewriting bits of it,
28:39trying not to throw up.
28:40I'll be great.
28:41You will be great.
28:42You will be great.
28:58I did have to rewrite some stuff.
29:00You know, Susie gave me some tips that I then had to go and rewrite.
29:03I think the best stand-up is personal.
29:05I've always enjoyed stand-ups where you learn a little bit about them and the way they see life and
29:09the way they see the world.
29:12When I left Susie, I got her notes and I went back and I worked on it and I took
29:16on her advice and changed it,
29:19which made me a bit nervous because I thought, if I change it at this point, what if that just
29:22messes my whole thing up?
29:27What's that?
29:28That's the music going on there.
29:30Does that mean the audience is coming in?
29:31That means the audience is coming in.
29:34The stand is a 220-person capacity venue and this evening, it's sold out.
29:47We are two of seven comedians on the bill.
29:50Nice to meet you, Ralph.
29:53You got fruit, Ralph, then?
29:54I'm shitting my pants.
29:56Do you, have many of your, like, sitcoms been, like, studio films?
30:00Yeah, two pints that I did with Will was line-boarding.
30:03Are you used to that, then, like, reacting to the left?
30:05Oh, yeah, 100%, but, you know, somebody else wrote that, so if it was shit, then we didn't care.
30:12The audience is all in.
30:13The night is about to begin.
30:18She's on the battlefield, boys.
30:19So, you out there?
30:21Oh, here we go.
30:23Please welcome to stage your host, I can't get it, Susie McKay!
30:28Yay!
30:30Oh!
30:36Give me a wee cheer if you are from Glasgow.
30:40Any English in?
30:43No.
30:45Not so fucking cocky now, are they, yeah?
30:48Eh, up here trying to smuggle back your square sausage and tablet.
30:54Listen, hamburgers don't have to pay you to be shit.
30:57Just to make me look better.
30:59To be honest, I'm trying a lot of new stuff, so...
31:01Are you?
31:01Could go anywhere.
31:03All right.
31:03What's the set-up here, my God?
31:06Just, you're like, Jesus!
31:09I mean, I am a bona fide lesbian, but fuck you, handsome!
31:14Don't fuck it up.
31:16Don't fuck it up.
31:19Please, welcome to the stage, your first act is coming!
31:32I really should explain my aided entrance here, right?
31:35That I am, in fact, registered as blind, right?
31:38Just delighted I'm no next to the bins right now.
31:42Will is on next.
31:45Fuck, he just got real.
31:51You know that it's a new material night for experienced acts?
32:02This person's going to do it for the very first time,
32:04so please give this person all the love in the world.
32:09Please, welcome to the stage,
32:11Mr. Will Miller!
32:16Will Miller!
32:18Yes!
32:19Yes!
32:25Wow.
32:27Just like Susie said,
32:28this is my first time
32:30ever doing this.
32:32It's a thing, you know,
32:33when you get a bit older,
32:33you start thinking,
32:34I've got to challenge myself.
32:36Do things that frighten you,
32:38you know,
32:38so here I am,
32:39shitting myself.
32:41Which, do you know what?
32:42I turned 49
32:43just a couple of months ago,
32:45so
32:45shitting myself
32:46has become a bit more of a regularity,
32:48you know?
32:49No, it's true.
32:50It's true.
32:51Trusting facts
32:55is a thing for young people.
32:58Back in the day,
32:59TV seemed a lot more
33:00innocent.
33:02You know,
33:03what do we have programs
33:04like Blind Date,
33:05right?
33:06Innocent.
33:07What's the equivalent we've got now?
33:09Fucking naked attraction.
33:11If you've never seen Blind Date,
33:13if you're a bit younger,
33:14you don't have a lady.
33:15And she'd be asking questions.
33:16So she'd be like,
33:17okay,
33:17my question's for number three.
33:20Er,
33:21number three,
33:22if you was a biscuit,
33:25what biscuit would you be?
33:28And he'd be like,
33:29hello,
33:30er,
33:30well,
33:31I'd be a,
33:31I'd be a jammy dodger.
33:34Because,
33:35I'm hard on the outside,
33:37and I've got a soft centre.
33:39And it's like,
33:41aw.
33:42Now it's like,
33:43do you like a big vulva?
33:48Is,
33:56does the dangly clit bother you?
34:02The balls are bigger than the dick,
34:03is that a problem?
34:05How have we gone
34:06from there
34:08to there
34:09in my lifetime?
34:12I'll give you a little idea
34:13of what I think's coming next.
34:15Hey,
34:16I'm glad this is being recorded,
34:17because
34:17now I own this idea.
34:21Er,
34:23so it's a man,
34:24right?
34:25This is the game.
34:25It's a man.
34:26And he stood there,
34:28fuck all of them.
34:29Naked,
34:30like that,
34:30naked.
34:31Apart from the blindfold,
34:32like that.
34:33Blindfold.
34:34And in front of him,
34:35there's five women,
34:37also naked,
34:38all bent up.
34:39All bent over.
34:41Right?
34:42And the game is,
34:44using his penis alone,
34:48he's got to guess,
34:49which one,
34:51is his,
34:52mum.
34:58Hey,
35:00you'll have to run series link,
35:01in about five years.
35:02Trust me,
35:03it's coming.
35:04Listen,
35:04thanks for being nice to me.
35:06Thanks for having me.
35:07I'll see you again.
35:09I'll see you again.
35:30I'll see you again.
35:34I'll see you again.
35:38Oh my God,
35:39look at that.
35:40You're shaking.
35:41Well,
35:41when you're up there,
35:42you just sort of try and sit in it.
35:43I'm shaking,
35:44fucking watching.
35:44Yeah,
35:44it's scary,
35:45but if you push through that,
35:47and you do something that's that scary,
35:50and you come out the other side,
35:51there's no better feeling.
35:53Oh,
35:53it's so good.
35:54I'll be here.
35:55What a feeling.
35:57What a feeling.
36:00That's it,
36:00well done.
36:01I'm so delighted for you,
36:02and I'm also like,
36:03I've got to do this now.
36:04You've set the bar here.
36:06You can hit a spiral really quickly.
36:09I got laughs on looks,
36:11and paws,
36:12and timing,
36:13and I just really enjoyed that.
36:14You were amazing.
36:16Honestly,
36:16you,
36:16there were,
36:17oh,
36:18I'm so tough for you,
36:19pal.
36:19You were great.
36:20Wow.
36:21Can't we see that?
36:22Poor Ralph's got a corner.
36:23Look at that.
36:25And please welcome back to host and content,
36:27Susie McKay!
36:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
36:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
36:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
36:35Hey, hey!
36:36Listen,
36:37are we having a good night, folks?
36:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
36:40Right,
36:40Glasgow,
36:41I've got another newbie.
36:42Never done this before.
36:44What?
36:45Do you enjoy it?
36:46Believe in yourself,
36:47you've got this.
36:48Please.
36:50Welcome to this page,
36:52Mr Ralph Wetzel!
36:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
36:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
37:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
37:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
37:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
37:01Evening.
37:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
37:04So,
37:04this is my first time doing this,
37:06as Susie McKay,
37:07legend,
37:07just said.
37:08She was very clear
37:09when she was giving me some tips.
37:10She was like,
37:11no memory aids are allowed whatsoever,
37:12no notes,
37:13nothing written on your hand.
37:14But I like to do things
37:15my own way,
37:16so I've written,
37:16Susie can fuck right off.
37:18LAUGHTER
37:20All you need to know about me
37:21is 20-odd years ago,
37:23I was in a very successful sitcom
37:25with Will Mellor,
37:26who was on earlier,
37:27who was my co-star,
37:29and back in the day,
37:30this woman recognised me,
37:31she got really, really excited,
37:32and she was like,
37:33oh, oh,
37:34do you mind if I call my mate?
37:35I was like, yeah, sure.
37:36She called her mate,
37:36she was like,
37:37Joanne, Joanne,
37:37you won't believe who I'm stood next to.
37:39Oh, it's that lad from Two Pints.
37:42No, no,
37:43not the fit one,
37:44the other one.
37:45LAUGHTER
37:47I'm the other one.
37:49That's all you need to know about me.
37:54I'm 45,
37:55got a little kids,
37:56and a lot of people are dads
37:58at my age.
37:59A lot of people are granddads
38:01at my age.
38:02In certain parts of Glasgow,
38:04a lot of people are great granddads.
38:06LAUGHTER
38:13I wasn't sure about that one,
38:14I thought about it.
38:16Er, show of hands,
38:17any parents out there?
38:19Any parents?
38:19Yeah!
38:20Oh, bless you,
38:21look at that.
38:22It felt like a really good idea,
38:23didn't it,
38:23at the time,
38:24hey?
38:24Oh, in the moment,
38:25carried away during sex,
38:27you're like,
38:27oh, yeah, great.
38:28Now you live with those consequences
38:29for the rest of your lives.
38:32Like the worst STD in the world,
38:34that's what a child is.
38:35LAUGHTER
38:38It costs you a fucking fortune,
38:39makes you anxious,
38:40and if you ever split up
38:41and have to meet someone new,
38:43you have to disclose it
38:43straight out of the gate.
38:45It's worse than herpes, that.
38:47LAUGHTER
38:49Except,
38:49if you try and use pills
38:50to get rid of it,
38:51that's frowned upon.
38:54LAUGHTER
38:56APPLAUSE
38:57APPLAUSE
38:58APPLAUSE
38:58LAUGHTER
38:59APPLAUSE
39:00Not only getting any of this up,
39:02this is like fucking therapy.
39:03Thank you so much.
39:04LAUGHTER
39:07When I was nine,
39:09I...
39:10LAUGHTER
39:11LAUGHTER
39:13LAUGHTER
39:14LAUGHTER
39:15Um...
39:15My sister died when she was 14
39:17because she fell off a cliff.
39:19It made me learn from an early age
39:21that you have to try and laugh through
39:22sort of anything.
39:24Um...
39:24But I don't think generational trauma
39:26is necessarily a good foundation for fatherhood.
39:28But that said,
39:30my other sister who survived,
39:32we call her the spare...
39:35LAUGHTER
39:37LAUGHTER
39:38LAUGHTER
39:39LAUGHTER
39:40LAUGHTER
39:42LAUGHTER
39:42LAUGHTER
39:43LAUGHTER
39:43We call her the spare.
39:44She has two kids
39:46and they're all right.
39:48My brother,
39:49he doesn't have that trauma
39:51because he was born
39:52a year after
39:53my sister fell.
39:55We call him the replacement.
39:58LAUGHTER
39:59LAUGHTER
40:01And he...
40:02He said to me,
40:04what was she like,
40:06Ralph?
40:06What was Kerry like?
40:08And I thought about it for a long time.
40:10And I was like...
40:13LAUGHTER
40:13If I had to sum her up in one word,
40:15I'd say, um...
40:19Clumsy.
40:20LAUGHTER
40:38So maybe,
40:39just maybe,
40:40I'm not the most suitable material
40:42to be a dad.
40:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:59How are you feeling?
41:00Fucking dead.
41:00Ladies and gentlemen,
41:01Mr Ralph Leto!
41:03You all right?
41:03Yeah, it was great.
41:05It was great.
41:05Well done.
41:06That was amazing.
41:07Fucking, you're dark, mate.
41:09You're all right.
41:09I told you.
41:10I told you all my shit was dark.
41:12I feel like I need to sleep
41:13for about ten days,
41:14but it's been amazing.
41:16How do you feel?
41:18Fantastic.
41:19You got three applause breaks?
41:21No.
41:22Three applause breaks,
41:23right, for your first ever five minutes?
41:25Ah, I'm so tough for you, pal.
41:26I'm so terrible.
41:27Thanks for all your help.
41:28It was so great.
41:29Oh, lads, it was great fun.
41:31I don't know what's next.
41:32I just want to keep challenging myself
41:34and trying to get that feeling
41:36that I got tonight.
41:38It was just an unbelievable feeling.
41:41I question myself a lot.
41:43I'm always overthinking,
41:45and I want to try and stop that.
41:47I want to just accept that I'm all right.
41:50I think doing things like this
41:51is good for me.
41:52I just want to be all right
41:54and just go,
41:55do a decent job,
41:56pat yourself on the back
41:57and sleep well.
41:58Stop stressing.
42:02I've been so terrified about stand-up
42:04and yet I did it
42:05and it was great
42:05and all of my worst fears
42:07didn't happen.
42:09Can you draw that same parallel
42:11with fatherhood?
42:12I get it.
42:14I get it.
42:18Filming this bit with Will,
42:20not just the stand-up,
42:21but the, you know,
42:23the trapeze and the...
42:26just all the fear stuff.
42:30It's been a lot.
42:33So...
42:34I don't know.
42:35If I could do stand-up,
42:36which is legit the scariest thing
42:37I've ever done,
42:38then maybe...
42:40maybe.
42:54What a song.
42:55Yeah?
42:55It's perfect.
42:57There's a voice
42:58that keeps on calling me
43:01Down the road
43:03That's where I'll always be
43:05And every stop I make
43:08I make a new friend
43:09Can't stay for long
43:12Just turn around
43:13And I'm gone again
43:15Maybe tomorrow
43:16I'll want to settle down
43:19Until tomorrow
43:21I'll just keep moving on
43:23Down this road
43:25That never seems to end
43:27New adventure
43:30Lies just around the bend
43:32So if you want to join me
43:35For a while
43:36Just grab your hat
43:39We'll travel like
43:40That's all those times
43:41Maybe tomorrow
43:43I want to settle down
43:46Until tomorrow
43:48You
43:48Can't stay for long
43:48Get
43:49To
43:49You
43:49End주세요
43:49ksi
43:49You
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