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01:49this because you're younger than the rest of us but when you used to have like one computer in a
01:53school this is what it was like in the computer room when you had your turn like someone was just
01:58sort of sitting next to you watching what you were doing waiting for theirs yeah how do you think
02:02i'm six i can't work it out at least i wouldn't understand those times he's saying don't don't
02:11shout at me mr president hms reluctant we'll be leaving port soon if he's actually talking to
02:18the whole jump he's just sitting there going you're on mute now you've turned your camera off
02:24he's saying as a result of the war we're cutting back on energy costs which is why i'm using this
02:28wooden keyboard yeah mandelson's gone i just need to take him off my top eight friends on my space
02:38your nuclear codes must contain at least one number and one special
02:49this is yeah he's looking for the folder marked due diligence
02:56he's saying finally some good news for national morale reese james is going on tour
03:03when race when no no no we are not starting that uh what is the correct answer hugh what's the
03:12correct answer please uh well that is prime minister keir starmer who's had a bit of a difficult week
03:17that's very right thank you very much very good thank you to have a ton of these things
03:24this is uk prime minister keir starmer pictured with secretary of defense john healey this is the news
03:28that in response to spiraling energy costs caused by the blockade in the strait of hormuz starmer has
03:33announced a package of measures worth 53 million pounds to help people struggling with rising prices
03:38who are the measures going to help the most well it's heating oil isn't it it is heating i'll say
03:42that's when you're not you're off grade is mainly people who live in the in country areas
03:46and that's the worry because some of that money will therefore go to prince andrew
03:52i thought people in role of communities just burnt outsiders
03:59better off sending them a giant wicker keir starmer
04:04well you've got to remember scott is this your first show and you're the outsider
04:11that i get my heating oil delivered and yeah i'm really feeling the pinch
04:18and it's weird because it throws people when you tell them you have your heating all delivered
04:21it seems like a very weird way to heat your house that a man drives a tanker full of oil
04:25up to your tank it's like it's like having your electricity delivered
04:28like every three months ago just showed up to change the batteries in your house
04:33a really huge double a battery you put it in the wrong way you put it in the wrong way
04:39take it out
04:39spinning around the old one a few times do you really i didn't i think you're joking i actually
04:47know we have heating oil in our house yeah it's more than doubled in price yeah this is the most
04:53irish i've ever felt that you are yeah i was reading this i'd never heard of this before that we
04:58were
04:58burning protestants
04:59fair enough
05:06we've been watching songs of praise going oh that's a good one out there
05:11you get a week out of that one now
05:15how'd you get the news about the oil prices ed your medium wave radio your blackberry
05:21we have the internet brought in once a week in buckets
05:26yeah what else might go up in price everything everything everything everything
05:30what's going to go up in price yay mortgage rates are going up aren't they mortgages are going to go
05:34up and uh as a millennial can i just say ha ha ha ha i just think with the mortgages
05:40going up right
05:40it's just like because you know boomers are the ones with the mortgages right and if you are a boomer
05:45who's struggling to pay your mortgage just think if maybe you'd bought a few less houses and a few more
05:49posh copies you wouldn't be in this mess yeah that's a millennial crowd can i say that we're
05:58always being criticized for being like the golden generation because we've earned more money from
06:02property than our kids let me tell you there is nothing golden about having your children live with
06:07you forever it does worry me i wonder if we're going to get to the point where the only way
06:18we'll
06:18keep warm we'll be having orges smothered in deep heat and you'll just pass pass lay-bys in norfolk
06:27and there'll be people rotting in puffin jacket that happens anyway yeah also people on ozempic
06:34and monjaro they got a lot of hate for a while and now food's so expensive who's laughing now we
06:40don't need it yeah but you can there's there's ways to like you know there's money-saving ideas to
06:46get it cheaper you know like to get petrol cheaper you just got to find that garage that does it
06:49cheaper than all the other ones haven't you you know i found this one it's 10p cheaper than anywhere
06:52else and it's in carlisle so i just drive there every time how has keir starmer stood up to donald
06:58trump like by not sending uh ships straight away and then offering to send ships but being told
07:06that the war is already won and then not even saying anything when being asked for more ships
07:13we have sent the ship anyway we have you have yeah but it was not it wasn't offensive it's
07:17defensive and it's the hms dragon why is it called a dragon dragons are not water-based animal i think
07:24i think it's a concession to the welsh i think it's a kind of but the welsh isn't a dragon
07:27is it
07:28technically no no it's got a different name and it's got those big legs i don't think that's a
07:33dragon either what is it then i should have listened more on qi the other day
07:38you're doing like an hour on this this will never come up again that's fantastic we basically you're
07:46bringing second-hand panel show information i tell them about the news what did they say about it on
07:53cat's countdown when are we doing the prize task this is a class 45 destroyer isn't it and what the
08:01thing i do yeah yeah yeah yeah if either me or dara knew that we'd look really suspicious
08:10yeah yeah notoriously they have certain weaknesses that semtex can be jammed into
08:15i think you should send him uh more ships but charge a 60 tariff for each one
08:22i think that's the by the way that's the system the chip the chip that's being sent isn't the one
08:29at
08:29the back it's the little white one at the front i think it's wonderful that he's just sent one
08:38battleship because even when you play the game battleships you have more than that i just love
08:45the idea of d4 hit right that's done then moving on before we move on a big shout out to
08:53people in
08:54cyprus because i was in cyprus last week because i got there faster than hms dragon
08:58be there and come back like whenever i did a show over there but a big shout out to the
09:02woman who
09:02posted on twitter the day after is they're going well thanks to dara breen who actually came unlike
09:06fake billy ocean so i don't know who fake billy ocean is but oh no you you are not welcome
09:14back in
09:14cyprus because you you chickened out of going to cyprus and fake billy ocean is somewhere london
09:18going sounded really dangerous you know and when the gun gets tough um they feel the ocean does not
09:25go to cyprus so you were there yes so you're our first line of defense i was yes briefly i
09:32was
09:32briefly i was in an advanced position in the current so it's like starmer basically said we're not
09:37sending you a warship we will send you dara obrije take your mind off it moving on what's going on
09:44here
09:46this is my pornography it's a fully dressed man being kind to animals those two the two ugly
09:53alpacas in the background look like they're bitching about the fit one at the front
09:56i think you'll find that's why alpaca is being radicalized by someone
10:08he's disappointed he's like on hinge it said feisty redhead
10:13they're actually becoming increasingly rare in the uk lib dems
10:20what is a lib dem race do they face the same prejudice as bisexuals
10:27this is that davy being no more mr nice guy he's saying vote lib down or i will slash this
10:31animal's
10:31throat
10:41this is the known answers tough guy they want to see from ed davy these days
10:46do you mind if we go back that thing's neck yeah can we can we go back to talking about
10:50the iran war to
10:51lighten the fucking moon many viewers are upset but any of the content in tonight's show there will
10:58be a number at the bottom my kids loved alpacas and then ed came on the television and talked about
11:04alpacas dying why did he do that why did you talk about ed about alpacas dying because sometimes they
11:08have to die they're a menace they're just for more votes yeah why was he criticized this week by the
11:16way why was there david criticized he's touching up an alpaca
11:21has he been told to ditch the clown act he has yeah absolutely yeah yeah i mean it's a bit
11:26annoying
11:26i've booked him for my daughter's birthday party bringing an alpaca with him which is going to be
11:33a nightmare in the open kitchen at the end he's holding up a severed head of an alpaca
11:39crying and going this is the new reality
11:43i mean they said to ditch the clown act but that's his whole thing isn't it yeah that's it without
11:47that
11:47he's got no personality he's got the you know spirit of a mortgage advisor trapped trapped in the body
11:53of a sex tourist yeah i think it's really out of order he's just a happy guy oh look at
11:59that
12:00that's an amazing photograph it is honestly this is enjoy this this not photoshopped not fake
12:08not ai slot genuine shot of a political leader and everything about it is perfect he's living the
12:14exact life of everyone in an advert for incontinence patch everything he does is like i can still do it
12:22all thanks to tenor i can go bungee jumping paddle boarding and all wearing white trousers
12:28and then you comes in with the oh look at that what a lucky guess yes oh no all of
12:34the photographs
12:35with this every photograph you have about davie is this like the go and pick up another one there
12:38we go and all of them come with loads of tiny text about how do not take money if you're
12:46also
12:46taking this due to me there counter-indications conclude heart attack disease it must be annoying
12:52to be a lib dem donor being like are you spending the money on campaign literature and focus groups
12:57oh no he's put springs on his ass and gone to thorpe park again where's ed as he zonks behind
13:03people where's ed gone and he's in a giant inflatable ball blading through legoland every day
13:08and in some ways refreshing rather than seeing somebody on a sex island yeah you're seeing
13:14somebody at chesington oh he makes me genuinely feel so happy i like him and i like the fact that
13:20yeah you're right epstein would never have replied to an email from him like i don't want to be his
13:26friend yeah and that's a good sign of him isn't it yeah they say do you want to come to
13:32the island of
13:32grown-up fun no you don't want to massage you want to go go-karting at the end of that
13:42round the
13:43points go to ed here and sarah join us after the break for more mock the week
13:58now we play a game called you think that's bad in a world where everything seems to be going wrong
14:03this is a chance for a performance to compete to outdo each other with tales of woe from their lives
14:07and i decide whose is the worst anyone care to start us off i wear the same pants as peter
14:15mandelson
14:18okay one small clarification right it's an arresting image uh you do need the same brand of pants it's
14:24not like you don't alternate games i'm intrigued by the fact that you read you've looked at the
14:27photos from the epitine file and recognized the brand of pants and felt well i don't say i'm wearing
14:33them now but when i was sort of a teenager i wore roughly the same sorts of pants i had
14:37a slight pant
14:38disaster at one point as a teenager and i had all my pants stolen and i had to go and
14:44buy more pants
14:44this is the day before i went back to school and i ended up with like 11 pairs of white
14:49pants and one
14:49pair of yellow pants that my mum thought were normal but on the front they had a logo that said
14:54beware the beast why did you have all your pants stolen i don't mean to sound like i'm victim blaming
15:02i don't know that now that you're famous
15:18you think that's bad
15:23i don't have one nearly as bad as any of that
15:26no we think that's weird
15:29well i years ago i used to have the weirdest fetish ever i used to steal a vicar's son's pants
15:36and i thought i got away with it too
15:39if you think that's bad if your wife suggests you should introduce some toys into the bedroom
15:43she didn't mean hungry hippos and they don't like to be called that it's alan and graham from next door
15:54i asked them to come around in huge pants as well
15:58if you think that's bad i just bought an apartment in dubai
16:06if you think that's bad my um cloud got hacked and my nudes were so unsexy they got grok to
16:11get me dressed
16:14if you think that's bad i just bought non-refundable tickets to take timothy
16:18chalamet to the ballet if you won an oscar
16:21if you think that's bad my children are so addicted to screens at the moment the only way
16:25i can get them out for a walk is to lure them out the house with the router
16:34we can only yeah we can only walk to a 50 meter extension extension of some sort
16:41if you think that's bad i've had so many kids now the hospital named some stirrups in my honor
16:48you think that's bad i had to tell my wife that our skybox is broken and i was unable to
16:53record
16:53last week's episode in order to stop her from watching the derogatory comments you lot made
16:59about what was going on between me and a french exchange student
17:06and the next round is called running out of hee hee hee heating oil
17:21this game involves sarah and scott if you could make your way to the performance area please this
17:26rounds the stand-up challenge i launched a wheel of news and wherever it chooses to stop one of our
17:30performers will step forward and talk about that subject the winner is whoever i think is the funniest
17:34okay here we go let's have our first topic please and the first topic is ambition who was with that
17:41sarah uh so i've been thinking a lot recently about paula radcliffe because it's uh 20 years ago this
17:49year um paula radcliffe of course an incredible athlete exceptional woman 20 years ago she was running
17:55the london marathon and she um yeah you remember now she uh she she needed the toilet and she didn't
18:03want to lose the time that it would take to go and do it uh sort of privately and you
18:06know they're
18:06they're filming it it's live television and so she she crouched down at the side of the road and she
18:11did it poo and this is the important bit she then got up and she won the london marathon i
18:20know and
18:21i'm obsessed with it i'm obsessed with it because there is nothing i want that much in terms of like
18:28your lives like your hopes and dreams like your ambitions the things you'd like to achieve is there
18:32anything where you think yeah i would do a outside in front of everyone in order to get it because
18:38i can't think of anything i can't think of anything you know like postcode lottery no driving license no
18:43i test myself with scenarios so i saw like imagine the other day i was like what if the academy
18:48call
18:48me and they're like sarah this year at the oscars we will give you the best actor oscar you're not
18:55in
18:55anything it's the male category we will read out your name all you have to do in the aisle as
19:03you're
19:03walking up to collect it and i would say no no thank you not under those circumstances and then i
19:09imagine that they're calling me back you know they're trying to persuade me they're like oh sarah
19:13no you you wouldn't have to crouch down and do it in an embarrassing way no you could just do
19:17it like a
19:20course yeah so let's not even slow down you still have it drop out of your dress on the way
19:26up there
19:27and i'll still say no no thank you i don't know if my lack of ambition is holding back my
19:32career
19:34my husband wants very different things to me uh uh my husband he would like a threesome that's his
19:39ambition um yeah he was like the other day he's like oh he's australian uh oh you don't want to
19:48be
19:48sexy if we could get some other people involved in the bedroom and i'm like no no no i could
19:53do all
19:54of it i'll just move my arms and legs quicker you know just whizz around the bed a bit you
19:59know
20:00i can put on a funny voice you won't know in the dark you know touch my tips
20:11that leaves us with scott let's see what your topic is let's spin the wheel
20:16okay the topic is aging
20:20okay i uh i'm 46 now um you're right not to applaud
20:26and i've reached the point now i'm going to the gym just to maintain where i am which is truly
20:32tragic
20:33i've got a i've got a personal trainer he says you're looking to get shredded you're looking to
20:36get ripped i was like no jace i'm looking to get dressed that would mean i just like to put
20:42my
20:42socks on without involving my children first i don't know what's happened to me i'm trying i'm
20:48clinging on i went to a post-punk gig recently and i got in the mosh pit which was an
20:53error
20:54because it was just everyone my own age at one point we all had our hands in the air
20:58like an act of defiance but what ruined it was a sea of apple watchers warning us we're in a
21:04loud
21:05environment you're gonna smash the system but you keep it below 85 decibels you're not meant to be
21:12there because that's the thing that leaves you behind my nephew's 19 he's had them holes put in
21:17his earlobes right when was that agreed it makes his face look like a camping ground sheet
21:24i don't know whether to talk to him or peg him down
21:35it's like a piece of tarpaulin with opinions
21:39do you know what that's really good for it's measuring the perfect portion of spaghetti
21:46what's that gonna look like when he's older i suppose he gives somewhere for a nurse to hang
21:50a drip doesn't it maybe that's the idea but i i look at my dad my dad's in his 70s
21:56he's embracing
21:57it right he stopped caring i was there the other week he was polishing his car with a pair of
22:02old
22:02underpants he said to me it's better than any cloth i said yeah but take them off
22:10i can't watch you grinding up the side of an octavia like a geriatric beyonce it's horrific
22:17doing a slow drop in the alloys mate like victoria beckham at a wedding i can't have this
22:27but i am trying i want to leave a legacy for my children i'm trying to look after myself and
22:32then
22:32something happened the other week and i thought what's the point because i was at a gig another
22:36act came up to me and said scott you look fantastic have you have you been training have
22:39you been dieting i'd have the neurovirus i've been shitting myself inside out for a month i thought
22:47i was gonna die and he looked at me and went whatever you're doing keep doing it that's the
22:53best you've ever looked your cheekbones have come back i've given up on the gym i'm licking
22:57handrails outside of walking town more eating in one star rated restaurants i've just ordered a
23:05tapeworm on the dark we're back basically i'm gonna ship myself into skinny jeans
23:29the next round is called if this is the answer what is the question on the border six categories
23:34scott which category would you like uh politics please okay your topic is politics the answer is
23:40around 500 000 pounds what is the question how much would i pay to have an uninterrupted poo in
23:46my own house is it how much will i win if prince andrew becomes the new host of strictly
23:55is it how much do i owe the student loans company for my degree in financial planning
24:02is it what would christmas have cost me if i got my kids everything they asked for
24:07is it of the 10 billion donald trump is suing them for how much would bankrupt the bbc
24:15is it what's the going rate to jog a politician's memory
24:20how much would a million pound house be worth if peter mandelson moved in next door
24:28is it how much do vets now charge to drain a dog's anal glands
24:33it's a lot it's a lot that is a lot if only we could run our houses on the juice
24:37that comes out
24:39i'll do it for free isn't the word juice it was the word juice
24:43is it how much was the restaurant find at the end of ratatouille
24:49is it how much of my half million pound investment did i lose when i invested in hawk twa coin
24:58is it how much did my dad think leaving a light on in one room would cost per day
25:03is it how much damage was done when they left my nan in charge of the thermostat at madame tussauds
25:10is it four people four nights summer holidays at center parks
25:15is it how much is a flight from abu dhabi to heathrow
25:20is it how much was bonnie blue's last drag cleaning bill
25:25is it how much could you make annually from my new cryptocurrency huge coin
25:33is it how much did i make selling a vicar's son's pants on ebay
25:38is it if a busker borrowed your hat dara how much could he bit in it
25:45no big head yeah massive head
25:53if you go to a money exchange in an airport and exchange one million british pounds for british
25:59pounds how much do you get okay they have the correct answer please how much does it cost to
26:04keep my daughter in her various school clubs per month dreams that are going nowhere
26:15how much has sarah pasco turned down to poo in public
26:21is it actually is it is it how much uh did peter mandelson ask for as a severance
26:26a absolutely right thank you very much ed thank you
26:32yes the question i was looking for is what did peter mandlin request a severance payment after he
26:37was sacked as uk ambassador to the united states this is news that information about the negotiations
26:41was included in the release of a 147 page collection of documents on mandel's appointment
26:45and subsequent removal following the emergence of more details about his friendship with jeffrey epstein
26:50peter mantle has continually denied any wrongdoing could we have written a more
26:54fucking word you have to what was the outcome of all this the outcome was he asked for a half
27:04a
27:04million and they gave him about 70 grand which just shows us the shit hot negotiator we lost
27:11that's what you got to do man i asked for 500 grand to do this show from tlc
27:14sure i didn't get it but i got 10 pounds an episode and an appointment with dr pimple popper
27:21he said the reason he asked for 500 000 pounds was because what he said was the actions of his
27:27majesty's government have permanently damaged his employability oh he's 72 what is he going to miss
27:35on an internship now because this i think we don't want to see like what he got we should be
27:41able to see
27:41how he asked for it you know i want to see dragons i'm asking for 500 to never work again
27:49yeah due to my
27:50links to an international super nonce alleged super nonce yeah i think we know that i just want to
27:59yeah i don't have to pick out he's not going to sue us from beyond the grave
28:04it's a bold move i almost respect him like would i let him take my daughter on holiday no but
28:09he could
28:10get a john lewis refund he's going to make his real money in podcasts though isn't he oh yeah it's
28:16so
28:16obvious that no one's going to get any consequences and he's going to start a podcast with andrew called
28:20the rest is redacted it's like me i complained about a pizza at domino's and i was on the phone
28:30sort of back and forth for about 20 minutes and then in the end they said you want some dough
28:34balls
28:35and i just went deal and that was i knew when i've won you know yeah yeah you've got pizza
28:41express
28:41dough balls from domino's that is how did you want to just pretend you'd been a pizza express because
28:48it might be useful as an alibi later it's where people go people go uh this picture came out
28:57you know during all this the the honestly the peter you know it's that's it there you go but it
29:01looks
29:01like the eye view of the terrified child who's come to collect their ball they've kicked over the
29:05fence that's quite gratifying but these like these this rich powerful cabal of men who were like
29:13secretly basically running the world the elite and they have the same chair and table you can buy from
29:19bq for 500 quid that's what they're saying it's a display model we'll never sell it now get off it
29:27finally an image more disturbing than when i caught my mom doing reverse cowgirl
29:37is andrew vaping he looks like he's vaping is he he'll do anything to impress a t
29:42do you say vaping yeah yeah i did say vaping he's allegedly vaping allegedly he is a vapist
30:00there's a lawyer with a pen going
30:08it was allegedly in there at the end of that round the points go to scott reese and catherine
30:19the next round is called audience question time we throw ourselves open to the studio audience and
30:24invite them to ask us questions on any topic first up is there a nikki here by the way hey
30:28nikki how are
30:29you i'm good how are you i'm very well thanks for asking uh and what question do you have for
30:32everyone here what do you think is really overrated qi
30:39it's just facts being explained slowly i mean people can't even remember them what's the point
30:45any podcast that won't have me as a guest instantly becomes overrated in my mind surely there's no one
30:52one that wouldn't have you as a guest there's loads yeah off men you can go fuck itself
30:59video doorbells people say they're amazing because you can check in on them wherever you are so you
31:03can be on a beach you know watching someone burgle your house and all you can do is try and
31:09persuade
31:10them to stop on your holidays going no no i'm just upstairs i'm just inconvenienced at the moment
31:17please don't take my son's pants again they're holding up the stuff they're robbing like that
31:22have you got the charger for this i've got a similar thing i think it's overrated i think
31:28camera phones are overrated i think looking at pictures of yourself actually makes you feel much
31:33worse about yourself much more critical i know that younger women look at women my age and older and
31:37think oh why are you walking around you know you look terrible um why don't you care about it and
31:44the reason is that like when we were growing up we had our photographs taken once a year at school
31:49twice if someone brought an owl in for me most overrated thing is like productivity gurus and
31:57like cold shower people who like wim hoffitt and do all that cold shower in the morning because they
32:00always say it's got all these benefits having a cold shower ice cold shower they're like really wakes
32:03you up in the morning i'm like yeah of course it does it's pouring ice cold water on yourself
32:07that's how they wake up hostages that's a cuckoo clock in guantanamo bay i'm a free man
32:12i can do it and then they'll be like oh it reduces stress it's like oh does it you know
32:16what
32:16i find stressful breathless goosebumps and a fully retracted penis okay you really hit your
32:21targets that's because i've been waterboarding yes thank you very much okay uh okay uh for the next
32:29question there's a will somewhere in the audience hey will how are you what uh question do you have
32:32for everyone uh what news would you most like to hear at the moment uh well i would love to
32:38hear
32:38that greenland and canada have launched a successful invasion of america um
32:48i am i really want sort of things for my friends so i'd like ed to get on off menu
32:53and race to get on qi
32:56i'd love to hear that trump has been an elaborate hoax by derren brown
33:01and i'd love that to be revealed by new mock the week host reese james
33:07i would like my teenage daughter to bring down the cups and bowls she's got in her bedroom
33:11uh yeah because at the moment we're a one bowl family and we're just passing it back and forth
33:21and uh you know i'm sick of eating my weetabix out of a wok
33:26oh you said bones i thought you said bones
33:30there could be bones up there i'll be honest with you i wouldn't be surprised
33:34it's like an archaeological dig under her bed at the moment how old is she 15. oh yeah yeah
33:41they're pure evil they're on tick tock so much they're like instruments of the chinese government
33:46at this point but they do bring them down is he has to leave them even near the dishwasher no
33:51they're
33:51inside the door of the kitchen magical fairies will take them from there to wherever you wait till you
33:56get a husband that's the dreams he's out there somewhere my daughter is a radiator and there's
34:06just cups and bowls the entire way along the radio yeah maybe unchain her from it then
34:11thank you very much thank you and thank you all the ladies join us again after the break
34:30the next line is called between the lines it features hugh and reese so would you make your
34:34way to the press pit please reese delivers a speech in the guise of a leading figure on the world
34:38stage
34:38while hugh translates what they really mean this week reese is ed milliband
34:45he's still knocking about is he
34:49hello remember me i am the political equivalent of tennis's
34:55jamie murray
35:01i know how effective wind is as an energy source i am full of hot air
35:08i am the choice of the party to replace keir starmer hard to believe i know
35:14we must learn to say no to donald trump especially when the question is would you like a bacon sandwich
35:24i am one of the few faces in the cabinet that people recognize they think i'm wallace
35:30chuck in cheese grommet thank god you said that i thought you meant greg wallace
35:38people mock my ideas as crazy i won't be laughing when i'm driving my cheese powered car to my house
35:43i don't know what's made of wool
35:46the tories of course okay
35:52the door is okay
35:55i don't know why is your internal monologue interrupting your external monologue
36:00hugh will you please let me continue my dream of pretending to be ed milliband
36:07i'm all about net zero that is my current approval rating
36:13sadly it is true that there are people in other countries who really hate us
36:18my brother still isn't speaking to me oil rig workers seem very keen for me to re-explore the north
36:24sea
36:25they kept trying to throw me out of their helicopter
36:29i want to reassure you the iran conflict will not affect your energy bills
36:33yes i want to but i can't we are doomed sell up burn your furniture live in a tent
36:54now we come to scenes we like to see so if everyone can make their way over to the performance
36:59area
36:59please i'll read it this week's topics and we'll see what our panelists can come up with okay here we
37:03go
37:03the first subject is unlikely things to hear on a property show
37:09well despite looking run down dated and a bit sad with just a bit of tlc
37:14we can get him back in his chair pressing his little buzzer
37:21well now it's time for a lick of paint and a sniff of glue
37:29a real fixer-upper but the economy's bad and i decided to move in with him anyway
37:36it has some wonderful period features uh the kitchen even has its own cholera outbreak
37:44now look at those wonderful exposed beams now if the roof hadn't caved in you wouldn't have seen those
37:53well they're renovating another property they've bought for a pound but have they paid too much
37:58find out in amanda and ellen's chernobyl job
38:04with its sea views excellent transport links and beautiful luxury accommodation epstein island really is
38:13the jewel in the crowd okay which one of the two is your least favorite right well don't send that
38:20one to private school and you can afford this flat
38:24today we're going to be answering the most important question when buying a house
38:29why are estate agents such twats welcome to homes under the hammer this week it's eamon and the
38:38hammer is a sledgehammer
38:42well i've pebbled dashed the wall i'm sorry about that but i do feel a lot better
38:49and this property actually has its own blue plaque i don't know much about the guy but
38:53like the name harold and seems he was some sort of sailor or ship man welcome to grand designs and
39:01here she is well gran what have you designed 21 year old callum is doing a fantastic job on this
39:11barn conversion he's got the drawings done the builders are on standby and now it's the tricky
39:16part of the project waiting for his parents to die now this one is a bit out of your price
39:24range but
39:24we've got a handy trick to knock a few grand off the asking price we've spray painted the word nonce
39:29on
39:29the garage i think they're going to love this next house it's near a school it's everything they wanted
39:38and it's in the country one problem that country is tajikistan
39:46homes under the hammer a program aimed at entrepreneurs but watched mainly by the unemployed
39:52in their underpants sitting in rented accommodation
39:58john here is looking for a new premises for his thesaurus shop and it's all about location position
40:03whereabouts now the primary bedroom does have ensuite potential if you're willing to take a
40:12shit in the wastebasket
40:17right so apparently that was a retaining wall
40:20i know people don't like estate agents but we are trustworthy now in answer to your question no this
40:29blood does not have subsidence you're going to be out there they've broken through the pelvic floor
40:35and breathe new life into this old fallopian tube that's all coming up this week on changing
40:41wombs
40:44the next topic is things you don't want a relative to say oh oh sorry sorry you have to be
40:50on the step
40:51what you're going to be on the step you're going to be on the step you're not to blame ed
40:54you're not
40:55to blame you're not to blame changing when i say the thing and then then we then you walk in
40:59all right all right i've never done this show before
41:04things you don't want a relative to say not not you ed
41:15no in real life dar is a cunt
41:23every third generation has a tiny penis your grandfather had one
41:31hand jobs aren't incest are they
41:37you look so much like your father which is lucky because he's just got a speeding fine
41:45can i ask some advice uh how long are you supposed to wait before you say i love you for
41:48the first
41:48time because it's been 34 years dad just say it we're so excited to meet your girlfriend uh your dad's
41:58been a subscriber for months this has been in our family for generations and now i'm passing it on
42:07to you son congratulations you're going to be bold before you're 30.
42:14the family that plays together stays together who's up for naked twister
42:22okay can i open another present what's it going to be oh it's rice i hate uncle ben
42:29oh yeah no we've done the dna so we are 30 anglo-saxon 25 scandinavian and 15 sheep
42:39while you are under my roof you will examine my stool samples
42:46well i'm sorry son but in this family we support tottenham hotspur
42:54i've got bad news about your father he's robert jenrich
43:02oh i used to change your nappies fill them with heroin and take you over the border
43:10i just wish mum and dad were here to see this but uh they couldn't be arsed
43:20your uncle david died doing what he loved your auntie janet
43:27yeah it was a really difficult birth i mean he's absolutely huge the full 30 pounds completely
43:31ripped me in shreds but uh we've thought of a name dara o'brien
43:40well done darling you're finally going to be on mock the week and it's not on the bbc
43:49the bad news is it's hereditary the good news is you're adopted
43:57i'll just clean the table before you sit down your grandfather messed it up when he was railing me
44:03on it earlier
44:07jord i hate you dad you're the worst dad in the world even worse than that dad from outnumbered
44:24and that's the end of the show this week's winners are ed byrne hugh dennis and sarah pasco
44:30all right commiserations to katherine ryan reese james and scott bennett
44:36thank you for watching i'm daryl breen good night
44:45oh
44:52oh
45:04oh
45:06oh
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