- 23 hours ago
Bernard and the Genie (1991) – A charming and hilarious British Christmas comedy from the writer of Four Weddings and a Funeral and Love Actually . Art dealer Bernard Bottle (Alan Cumming) is having the worst day imaginable—fired by his vicious boss (Rowan Atkinson), dumped by his girlfriend, and betrayed by his best friend. When he accidentally releases a 2,000-year-old genie named Josephus (Lenny Henry) from an antique lamp, his luck finally begins to change. But as Bernard discovers, wishes come with consequences . This forgotten festive gem is packed with Richard Curtis' signature wit, heart, and a surprising amount of warmth. Winner of the Radio Times TV Comedy Performance of the Year award for Lenny Henry .
🔹 Starring: Alan Cumming, Lenny Henry, Rowan Atkinson, Denis Lill, Angie Clarke, Andrée Bernard, Bob Geldof, Gary Lineker
🔹 Director: Paul Weiland
🔹 Writer: Richard Curtis (Four Weddings and a Funeral, Notting Hill, Love Actually, Blackadder)
🔹 Genre: Fantasy Comedy, Christmas Film, British Comedy
🔹 Network: BBC Television
🔹 Awards: Lenny Henry – Radio Times TV Comedy Performance of the Year
🔹 Release Year: 1991
🔹 Runtime: 67 minutes
💬 Why Watch?
✓ The perfect hidden gem for fans of Richard Curtis' sharp, heartfelt comedy.
✓ Rowan Atkinson in a hilariously villainous role as Bernard's awful boss.
✓ A genuinely moving story about friendship, kindness, and the true meaning of Christmas.
✓ A treasure trove of 90s British pop culture cameos.
🔹 Starring: Alan Cumming, Lenny Henry, Rowan Atkinson, Denis Lill, Angie Clarke, Andrée Bernard, Bob Geldof, Gary Lineker
🔹 Director: Paul Weiland
🔹 Writer: Richard Curtis (Four Weddings and a Funeral, Notting Hill, Love Actually, Blackadder)
🔹 Genre: Fantasy Comedy, Christmas Film, British Comedy
🔹 Network: BBC Television
🔹 Awards: Lenny Henry – Radio Times TV Comedy Performance of the Year
🔹 Release Year: 1991
🔹 Runtime: 67 minutes
💬 Why Watch?
✓ The perfect hidden gem for fans of Richard Curtis' sharp, heartfelt comedy.
✓ Rowan Atkinson in a hilariously villainous role as Bernard's awful boss.
✓ A genuinely moving story about friendship, kindness, and the true meaning of Christmas.
✓ A treasure trove of 90s British pop culture cameos.
Category
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:05Oh
00:00:37Your name is Easepa.
00:00:39Keep your name.
00:00:42I am the only one who wants you to be.
00:00:44I can't tell you.
00:00:49I can't tell you.
00:00:50I can't tell you.
00:00:52I can't tell you.
00:00:52I can't tell you.
00:00:55But I can't tell you.
00:00:57I will tell you.
00:00:57I can tell you.
00:00:58Let's go!
00:01:02I'll go!
00:01:03Get up!
00:01:06I'm going to the river,
00:01:08I'm going to the river
00:01:10I'm going to the river
00:01:12I'm going to the river
00:01:41Whoa.
00:01:43Whoa.
00:01:45Whoa, Whoa!
00:01:51He's Mr. Success
00:01:53He's higher than High
00:01:55He's sweeter than
00:01:57the sweetest cherry pie he's king of the hill he's top of the heat he's mr unique he's not mr
00:02:06sheep from the shine on his shoe to the stars in his eye if he were a girl he'd be
00:02:12princess
00:02:13die he's mr. success he's higher than high he's sweeter than the sweetest cherry pie he's king of the
00:02:43ye enter ye thank you sir oh and uh thanks for sending your limo sir oh pish city city cigar
00:02:55oh
00:02:56oh come on take ye take ye excellent well bottle you had quite a day yesterday didn't you not bad
00:03:05sir better than a hefty kick in the trousers oh come on boast ye boast ye due to your ability
00:03:12to
00:03:12ferret out great works of art in the country houses of some mad short-sighted old sock knitters
00:03:18you've made this firm 50 million pounds in clear profit well not quite sir not once we've paid the
00:03:25old ladies back there share oh yes now i wanted to talk to you about this bernard do you mind
00:03:31if i
00:03:31call you bernard no sir bernie if you like yes well the fact is bernard i haven't quite mastered this
00:03:42refund bit elucidate ye well sir i bought the paintings for a song but i always said that if
00:03:50they turned out to be really valuable we'd pay the owners back properly probably not the full amount
00:03:56because if we hadn't found them the old ladies in question wouldn't have got anything that's a good
00:04:00point bernard that's a fully fledged bastard of a good point yes so now that we've sold them i thought
00:04:07we'd return half the money to the lovely old birds oh i see excellent so you're suggesting we return
00:04:1425 million pounds to the aforementioned old bats and keep a cool 25 mil for ourselves that's the ticket
00:04:23sir and i've got a list of some other old ladies who might have the odd gainsborough tucked away in
00:04:27their attic
00:04:28have you yes good good i like the cut of your jib bottle i've been watching you and i've been
00:04:39thinking
00:04:40about your future with the firm thank you sir yes i'm already assessing the prospects for the staff
00:04:46and so naturally my thoughts have turned to you have they sir yes they have and i've made a big
00:04:54decision
00:04:55and what's that sir you're fired
00:05:01sorry sir fired bottle i suck ye i want you and your philanthropic little arse out of this building
00:05:12pronto oh i'll have you arrested for loitering and probably throw a charge of sexual harassment into
00:05:17the bargain i'm not with you sir not anymore you're not and if i have anything to do with it
00:05:22you won't
00:05:23be with anyone else either miss temple take a letter i want it circulated to everyone in the art world
00:05:30including gilbert and george dearest darlings i write to warn you against employing a mr b bottle
00:05:38whom i've just caught attempting to steal notice steal their bottle 25 million pounds from me
00:05:46don't even interview him he has just left my office and suddenly my gold fountain pen has
00:05:52disappeared i'm therefore yours in crayon p.s i've just dropped in on my secretary who looks distinctly
00:06:01harassed sexually i think you get the message bucking yes sir
00:06:12not a very nice message no it's a true blue sticker farewell bottle and never darken our doors again
00:06:22this is a profit-making organization not help the agent
00:06:29wait a minute this isn't just a lovely joke before you promote me to head of department
00:06:34does this happen no right bugger ye
00:06:47oh
00:06:51is
00:06:55but has been kids
00:06:57He's a life-sickin' a man
00:07:00He's Mr. Dispatch
00:07:03He's Mr. Badluck
00:07:06He's Mr. Hedgehog
00:07:09And Mr. Truck
00:07:27Home early, sir?
00:07:29Did they give you the day off as a reward?
00:07:30Oh, no, actually, Keppel. They fired me.
00:07:32Oh, no, sir.
00:07:33Oh, yes, Keppel.
00:07:37I make them a fortune and them gloom and well kick me out.
00:07:40That's terrible, sir.
00:07:42Exactly the same thing happened to me.
00:07:43I used to work for this big oil firm.
00:07:46I discovered the formula for a new kind of petrol.
00:07:48Cleaner, cheaper, more efficient.
00:07:50Kinder to the environment.
00:07:52Handed it in, the next day they fired me.
00:07:54I never saw a penny of the profits.
00:07:56Is that true, Keppel?
00:07:57No, sir, it's not.
00:07:59Not true?
00:08:00No, sir, it's a total lie, sir.
00:08:02I thought I might cheer you up.
00:08:08That's very decent of you, Keppel.
00:08:11No, sir.
00:08:22No, sir.
00:08:44Hello, I'm sorry, I'm not in my office at the moment.
00:08:46Please leave a message, I'll get back to you.
00:08:48Bye.
00:09:09Hello?
00:09:09Hi, Kev, Bernie here.
00:09:11Oh, hi, look, um, things are a bit complicated right now, okay?
00:09:15God, you are like a rabbit, you never stop.
00:09:17Yeah, I know.
00:09:19Look, I've got some pretty grisly news could do with a shoulder to cry on.
00:09:23I've just tried Judy, but she's out.
00:09:24You don't know where she is, do you?
00:09:26Um, well, um, Barney.
00:09:30What?
00:09:31I do, actually.
00:09:32Oh, great.
00:09:34Hello, Bernard.
00:09:35Oh, hi, sweetheart.
00:09:37Oh, look, you're not going to believe what's going to blooming well happen.
00:09:41I potted into work this morning and...
00:09:45Wait a minute.
00:09:47What in the banana tree are you doing there?
00:09:49Well, you had to find out sometime.
00:09:52It might as well be now.
00:09:54Look, the thing is...
00:09:57Kevin and I are deeply in love.
00:10:00Yeah, sorry about this, mate.
00:10:02And we thought seeing you to getting so successful in everything these days...
00:10:06Yeah, congratulations.
00:10:08Great news.
00:10:08Perhaps you wouldn't mind so much us telling you.
00:10:10Well, wait a minute.
00:10:12You...
00:10:13Let me get this straight.
00:10:14You mean...
00:10:15You and Kevin?
00:10:17Yeah.
00:10:17That's right.
00:10:19Thanks for introducing us, mate.
00:10:21Oh, Barney, by the way, just as a matter of interest...
00:10:25You know who used to wonder why it was that Kevin got so many girlfriends?
00:10:30Yes, why does he get so many girlfriends?
00:10:32Because he's so good in bed.
00:10:36Oh, great.
00:10:49Barney?
00:10:50Yes?
00:10:51I was thinking, darling, do you mind if I just come round?
00:10:55Oh, no, please do.
00:10:56I'm sure there's nothing a good chat can't sort out.
00:11:00I want to get my stuff.
00:11:01I'm really eager to get settled in here.
00:11:03Oh, good.
00:11:05Excellent news.
00:11:21It'll be lovely this Christmas
00:11:25Without you to hold
00:11:28It'll be lonely this Christmas
00:11:32Lonely and cold
00:11:35It'll be cold, so cold
00:11:39Without you to hold
00:11:43This Christmas
00:11:50Each time I remember
00:11:53The day you went away
00:11:59How I would listen
00:12:01To the things you had to say
00:12:04I just break down
00:12:06As I look around
00:12:08And the only things I see
00:12:12Are emptiness
00:12:13And loneliness
00:12:15And an unlit
00:12:17Christmas tree
00:12:19It'll be cold, so cold
00:12:24Without you
00:12:26Without you
00:12:27Still
00:12:27This Christmas
00:12:37You remember last year
00:12:39When you and I were
00:12:41We never thought there'd be an end
00:12:47And I remember looking at you
00:12:49And I remember thinking
00:12:51That Christmas must have been made
00:12:53Because darling
00:12:56This is the time of year
00:12:57That you really
00:12:58You really need love
00:13:00When it means
00:13:02So very
00:13:04It'll be lonely
00:13:06So it'll be lonely
00:13:08This Christmas
00:13:08Without you
00:13:10Without you to hold
00:13:12It'll be lonely
00:13:15What happened?
00:13:16Seems to have been some sort of explosion, sir
00:13:18Good Lord, how am I?
00:13:20Do I still look vaguely human
00:13:21Or have I turned into Julian Knight-Webber?
00:13:22No, you're fine, Mr. Bottle
00:13:24Just a little bang on your head
00:13:25And one severely singed testicle
00:13:28You'll be out of here in the morning
00:13:29Don't you worry, sir
00:13:30I had a friend who had both his legs
00:13:31Brown off
00:13:31And he was up and walking around
00:13:32In a fortnight
00:13:33Is that true, Kev?
00:13:34Not exactly, sir
00:13:38Right
00:13:39Now you just rest
00:13:40And tomorrow your friend can make you up
00:13:41Thank you, sister
00:13:52Thanks for sticking with me last night
00:13:55I'm sorry, sir
00:13:56I didn't nickname me Sticky Keppel for nothing
00:13:59Your nickname was Sticky Keppel?
00:14:01No, sir, it wasn't
00:14:02They don't go in for nicknames in the Navy
00:14:09I didn't know you were in the Navy, Keppel
00:14:12I wasn't, sir
00:14:13Can't stand the sea
00:14:15However, be that as it may
00:14:16If you ever need anything
00:14:17You just call
00:14:18And I'll be up there faster
00:14:19Than a poker-up-a-pervert
00:14:23Indeed
00:14:26Anchors away, sir
00:14:27I'll be up there
00:14:30I'll be up there
00:14:53I'll be up there
00:14:57Come on.
00:15:51Oh, my God, you're a maniac.
00:15:53Oh, my God, you're a maniac.
00:15:55Oh, my God, you're a maniac.
00:15:57Oh, my God!
00:16:00Oh, my God!
00:16:07Get out of here!
00:16:09Campbell, Campbell, save me!
00:16:29There's nothing there to steal.
00:16:31My bloody government is going to take the Lord.
00:16:41Oh, lox and mercy, I wish you could speak English.
00:16:43I can't.
00:16:44You can't?
00:16:45Yes, your wish is my command.
00:16:47Now, beware, O short one.
00:16:48You smell of peppermint, and it is time to die.
00:16:55Sorry?
00:16:56You smell of peppermint.
00:16:57No, no, before that.
00:16:58Beware, O short one.
00:17:00No, no, no, no, further back, right at the top.
00:17:04Unfortunately, your wish is my command.
00:17:06Okay.
00:17:06Then I wish you'd stop trying to kill me.
00:17:09Damn.
00:17:18Okay.
00:17:18What a story, Abdul.
00:17:20How the blooming hell did you get into my house?
00:17:22I was in the blooming lamp.
00:17:24Yes, very likely.
00:17:25And how do large transvestites get inside lamps these days?
00:17:28A blooming wizard did it and made me into a blooming genie without so much as a blooming
00:17:32by your lead.
00:17:34I'm dealing with a madman.
00:17:36Starman!
00:17:37This is one of these really scary Bulgarian poison-tipped umbrellas.
00:17:40One trick is fatal.
00:17:43I'm going to ring the police.
00:17:45Damn, I wish there was a phone in here.
00:17:51Have you just injected LSD into my bottom?
00:17:53Look, I've explained this.
00:17:55I'm a genie.
00:17:56Oh, come off it, mate.
00:17:57Who's ever heard of genies?
00:17:59Well, you, obviously.
00:18:00Look, we're like ghosts and dragons and unicorns.
00:18:02You don't think they exist until you meet them.
00:18:04So all I have to do is wish?
00:18:06As far as I know, the training for this stupid job is practically non-existent.
00:18:09Well, you better get your next alibi ready pretty quickly.
00:18:12Because I wish this chair was Melvin Bragg.
00:18:18I wish it wasn't.
00:18:22Sorry, Melvin.
00:18:24Lord in heaven, you mean...
00:18:28So, for instance, if I were to wish my pockets were full of money...
00:18:38Oh, my God.
00:18:47Oh, Kevin, I'm worried about Bernard.
00:18:50Yeah, I'm worried about him too, baby.
00:18:52This guy's my best friend.
00:18:53I'd do anything not to hurt him.
00:19:01I know.
00:19:03I know.
00:19:04But you know, baby, Bernard's always lived in a bit of a dream world.
00:19:08I mean, I love this man.
00:19:10He looked like a turnip.
00:19:12If what you say is true, he had all the sexual skills of a small Dutch cheese.
00:19:16Well, a medium-sized Dutch cheese.
00:19:18And yet he still thought he could go out with a goddess like you.
00:19:21The fact is that sometime Bernard's got to come down to earth.
00:19:25Got to realize that it's a tough dog-stabs-dog-in-the-back-and-then-eats-dog world.
00:19:30We're doing him a favor.
00:19:32The sooner Bernie faces up to reality, the better.
00:19:39So, all I have to do is wish.
00:19:41As far as I know.
00:19:43Wish my mum could see me now.
00:19:45Hello, Bernard.
00:19:47Are you feeding yourself properly?
00:19:49And what a condition this place is in!
00:19:53Second thoughts.
00:19:54No offence, Mum.
00:19:54I wish you couldn't.
00:20:00I have to be very careful.
00:20:02Don't I?
00:20:04Yes.
00:20:05Say the words I wish with the caution you would normally reserve for.
00:20:08Please castrate me.
00:20:10Yes.
00:20:11This could be brilliant.
00:20:13But I think we should sort out just exactly how it's going to work.
00:20:19Hmm.
00:20:21Things must have changed somewhat since you were last...
00:20:24...out.
00:20:25I bet.
00:20:26So tell me, how's old Caesar?
00:20:28Caesar?
00:20:29Yes, the emperor.
00:20:32Uh, well, you see, he's dead.
00:20:33No, what happened?
00:20:34He was stabbed in the capital.
00:20:36God, so who's in charge now? Brutus?
00:20:38No, he's dead too.
00:20:40Wow, a real massacre.
00:20:41Yeah.
00:20:44Look, um...
00:20:47There's something I think I ought to explain.
00:20:50You see, you've obviously been inside the lamp slightly longer than you think.
00:20:55How long?
00:20:56Well, give or take a day or two.
00:20:59Two thousand years.
00:21:01No.
00:21:02Two thousand years?
00:21:04Most of my friends will be dead.
00:21:07All the things are more likely, yes?
00:21:09Yes, and my girlfriend, my mother, my father, my sister.
00:21:15The kittens.
00:21:18Wow.
00:21:20I'm very sorry.
00:21:22No, no, I'm the one who should be sorry.
00:21:25The last thing you need around the place is a gloomy genie.
00:21:28Go ahead, make some wishes. Go ahead. I'll be fine.
00:21:31Oh, no, for heaven's sake.
00:21:34I know how you feel.
00:21:38My life hasn't been too rosy recently either.
00:21:42Getting teased a lot about this stupid haircut?
00:21:45No.
00:21:46Everything else has been pretty crappy.
00:21:48I just got sacked and then found out that my fiancée was sleeping with my best friend.
00:21:53Do you wish me to kill them?
00:21:55Um, no, that's not really the way we do things any longer.
00:21:58Well, how do you deal with your enemies these days?
00:22:01Well, um, we kind of don't see them.
00:22:03You know, sort of, spurn them, spurn them.
00:22:06Um, then the odd nasty look kind of, uh, sarcastic remark.
00:22:09And then we, uh, kind of encourage other friends, you know, not to see them.
00:22:13And to be a bit sarcastic too.
00:22:16That's it?
00:22:18So it's not all progress then?
00:22:22Still, don't get too depressed.
00:22:23Look on the bright side.
00:22:24Your fiancée is buried in the arms of your best friend.
00:22:28Mine is buried in an artichoke patch in Jerusalem.
00:22:30Good point.
00:22:35I know.
00:22:36I wish you weren't so depressed.
00:22:41No, it doesn't work.
00:22:43You can't change people's feelings with wishes.
00:22:47Oh dear.
00:22:50We're made in trouble, aren't we?
00:22:53We're made in trouble, aren't we?
00:23:14We're made in trouble, aren't we?
00:23:18How does a hamburger grab you?
00:23:20A what?
00:23:21Oh, well, it's, um, two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun.
00:23:30Mmm.
00:23:31I might take out the pickles.
00:23:32You might be the first.
00:23:33I wish we had two Big Macs.
00:23:36I will try.
00:23:39Um, take it out of the box first.
00:23:44Everybody dead.
00:23:46All I ever wanted was to get out of the lamp.
00:23:50Now, I almost wish I hadn't.
00:23:57On the other hand, bite my beetroot! That is fantastic!
00:24:02You get the right price. You can sell hundreds of these.
00:24:06Well, they do sell quite a few.
00:24:08There's a difference about this. People will enjoy.
00:24:11Even the pickles are nice.
00:24:14Something wrong?
00:24:15You know something unbelievably right.
00:24:18My ears want to mate with this music and have its children.
00:24:20Tell me.
00:24:21Who is this guy, Bernie?
00:24:23It's a chap called Motor Shark.
00:24:24This is my kind of guy. Incredible!
00:24:27This new music is great.
00:24:29That isn't modern music.
00:24:31This is.
00:24:32That is fantastic!
00:24:35Make me with a mango!
00:24:37All right!
00:24:39Tell me, Bernie.
00:24:40What colour is this guy?
00:24:41Black.
00:24:42Thought so.
00:24:48Ah!
00:24:48Girls!
00:24:49Girls!
00:24:50Enter ye!
00:24:51Enter ye!
00:24:55Sit ye!
00:24:56Sit ye!
00:24:58Now, as you probably heard,
00:25:01Mr. Bottle left us yesterday.
00:25:03And I've been worrying about it.
00:25:06Do either of you think I was a little harsh on him?
00:25:09Well, sir,
00:25:10I think perhaps you might have given him a warning.
00:25:14Good.
00:25:15Good.
00:25:16You're fired.
00:25:18I want you out of here in two minutes,
00:25:20you disastrously faded old crone.
00:25:24Exit ye!
00:25:25Exit ye!
00:25:34Exit ye!
00:25:37Now, Miss Purse.
00:25:39No pressure.
00:25:41Just old friends talking.
00:25:44Just bosom buddies bantering.
00:25:49Any opinions on the Bottle scenario?
00:25:52Inspired move, sir.
00:25:56But I have, as I said,
00:25:58been worrying.
00:26:00Because Bottle had a list
00:26:02of some other priceless paintings.
00:26:05And I want it back.
00:26:07I want you to search his office,
00:26:09and if it isn't there,
00:26:10we'll just have to go to where he lives and steal it.
00:26:14I shall start looking immediately, sir.
00:26:17Good.
00:26:18No pressure, you understand?
00:26:20No pressure.
00:26:21Although, for the moment,
00:26:22I'll just put your Christmas bonus on hold.
00:26:26Yes, sir.
00:26:28Thank ye.
00:26:29Thank ye.
00:26:32Oh, by the way, Miss Purse,
00:26:34I was joking about the Christmas bonus.
00:26:38Oh, thank you, sir.
00:26:41You weren't getting one anyway.
00:26:46Who do you think I am?
00:26:47Felicity Kendall?
00:26:50If you want money, work for it.
00:26:52I did.
00:26:54And I won't let any little creep take it from me.
00:27:00So, I really can have absolutely anything.
00:27:04Yep.
00:27:06Okay.
00:27:08Well, for a start,
00:27:09let's brighten up this flat a bit.
00:27:13Ah.
00:27:16Ah.
00:27:21Unbelievable.
00:27:25Okay, I wish I had the Mona Lisa on that wall.
00:27:30Oh, my God.
00:27:36Cute chick.
00:27:37Bit of a smudge around the mouth, though.
00:27:39Here, let me sort that out.
00:27:40No, no, no.
00:27:41First leave, I think.
00:27:45Unbelievable.
00:27:46Fantastic.
00:27:46Yeah, bit of a tease, though, eh?
00:27:48Yeah, I could just stay here all night just staring at her.
00:27:58Oh, look, sorry.
00:28:00I'm not being a very good host, am I?
00:28:02You'd probably like to take a look round.
00:28:04Good idea.
00:28:05Ah, yes.
00:28:07Things have changed quite a lot in the last thousand years.
00:28:09I'll say.
00:28:09For instance, in my day, this would have made an attractive hat.
00:28:13Look, I'll take you round town if you like.
00:28:15Excellent.
00:28:18That's the only thing is that, after all that business at work, I don't actually have any
00:28:21transport.
00:28:29Ah, smudge, here we come.
00:28:31Woo!
00:28:33I think it's fair to say that the people from Allied Carpers will be genuinely surprised by this.
00:28:38The real skill, of course, is in the landing.
00:28:50And I think I need a little more practice.
00:28:54Look, before we go any further, I think we should do something about the clothes.
00:28:58What? You cannot get hotter than this.
00:29:00Chicks see this stuff and die.
00:29:02Yes, I'm sure.
00:29:03I just wish we had the modern equivalent.
00:29:06Yes, now that's a lot better.
00:29:13I feel fantastic.
00:29:17And I look it, too.
00:29:20You are cute.
00:29:35I must say, I don't normally come here.
00:29:37It's got rather dirty recently.
00:29:39You call this dirty?
00:29:40Where I come from, you go out shopping, you come back with leprosy.
00:29:43People used to urinate on their vegetables to give it that early morning, dewy, fresh look.
00:29:47This is the cleanest place I've ever seen in my whole life.
00:29:50Let's boogie.
00:29:51Teens, teens, teens.
00:29:53It's not your face.
00:29:55Teens, teens, teens.
00:29:57What's in these steps?
00:29:59Teens, teens, teens.
00:29:59He's the greatest dream that evolved.
00:30:03Teens, teens.
00:30:22Ah, delicious. I'm glad dog meat is still popular.
00:30:48Get him, Arnie! He's an alien and he's killing absolutely everyone! Get him!
00:30:59Hasta la vista, baby! That was unbelievable! Those people were huge! Tell me, where do they all live?
00:31:06Most of them are in Los Angeles. That's the place for me. That woman's breasts were 60 feet high!
00:31:12Thank you. Which flavor would you like?
00:31:20That one! This is great, Bernie. In my country, there's only one type of dessert and it tastes disgusting!
00:31:30Oh my God! Take out my eyeballs and fry them in ginger! That is unbelievable! Here, hold that.
00:31:39Hey! Everybody! Come in here! This stuff is brilliant! It's really cold and it tastes completely of strawberries! It's wonderful!
00:31:47People try that. There's nothing special to them anymore. You're crazy! I think I'll try a few more flavors.
00:31:57Bernie, it's great to be here. Let's go.
00:32:22How do you feel? A bit sick, actually, but it's okay. I haven't had a stomach ache for 2,000
00:32:28years. It's like the return of an old friend.
00:32:31Mr. Beardy, again! Is he like emperor here or something? No, no, it's Christmas, which is a kind of holiday
00:32:37we have at this time of year.
00:32:39And the chap in the beard goes around with his flying reindeer and then comes down the chimneys and gives
00:32:43children presents.
00:32:43Wow! And what do you want for Christmas? A car and a train and three Nintendos! Yes, and a pencil's
00:32:53also nice, isn't it? Yes.
00:32:56Except he doesn't, in fact, come down chimneys. And it isn't actually him who gives the presents.
00:33:02Do the reindeer really fly? I think not.
00:33:06Mr. Beardy is beginning to sound like a bit of a non-event.
00:33:11Yes, Christmas isn't what it used to be.
00:33:13It sounds just real funny.
00:33:16Now it's just the time that kids learn to live with disappointments.
00:33:19Ah, speaking of which, I'm a bit disappointed that we haven't eaten anything for a while.
00:33:23It's been a good, ooh, 20 minutes since my last full meal.
00:33:25Your wish is my command.
00:33:38Well, I've sucked on some pretty wonderful things, Bernie, but that takes the biscuit.
00:33:43You and I are going to be a wonderful partnership. I can see it now.
00:33:45But, you know, there's more to me than fantastic pants. I'm going to find you a woman.
00:33:50Oh, no.
00:33:50Starting right now.
00:33:52Okay, now those two over there are definitely out.
00:33:56A bit wrinkly.
00:33:57And she is pretty cute.
00:33:59Okay, she's a bit older than you, but if she shakes her booty the way she shakes her milk.
00:34:05On the other hand...
00:34:07Oh, no, please.
00:34:08Ah, you like the look of her?
00:34:10Well...
00:34:10Leave it to me.
00:34:11I'm pretty experienced at this kind of thing.
00:34:17Oh, thank God it's mere closing time. We're running out of pencils.
00:34:20Close.
00:34:24Good evening.
00:34:26Oh, hello.
00:34:27Good day to hear.
00:34:28Oh, thank you very much.
00:34:29Myself and my friend with the very unfortunate hair, but he's very fertile and has a large inheritance.
00:34:35Couldn't help noticing the splendid work you were doing with the children.
00:34:38Oh, thanks.
00:34:39It's her, actually.
00:34:40Santa drinks like a fish and these hot pants were tailor-made for Bonnie Langford.
00:34:44Indeed.
00:34:45Would you care to join us for a shake of milk?
00:34:47Or perhaps you'd like me to organize something more formal where your parents were involved?
00:34:51No.
00:34:52No, I'll just have a cup of coffee and fly.
00:34:54What a coincidence!
00:34:55We're flying too!
00:34:56Is that right?
00:34:56Yes!
00:34:58Could you hang on for just one second, please?
00:35:00Certainly.
00:35:02Actually, you'd better make that two coffees.
00:35:04Santa keeps on dozing off over the children.
00:35:07It's going very well.
00:35:08She says her pants are hot.
00:35:09She wants your body and she wants it now.
00:35:11She doesn't know it.
00:35:12She does.
00:35:13A little more negotiation and the match will be made.
00:35:15Depending, of course, on proof of childbearing capability.
00:35:18So, is that your flying carpet then?
00:35:20Yes, it is.
00:35:21Would you fancy a ride?
00:35:22Oh, no.
00:35:22That A&D can get very jealous if I use alternative needs of transfer.
00:35:29Very amusing.
00:35:30Now, down to business.
00:35:31Obviously, the question of the dowry raised its ugly head.
00:35:35I'm sorry.
00:35:35He's not from right here.
00:35:37No.
00:35:37I sort of guessed that.
00:35:39I think your hair's quite nice.
00:35:41Bye.
00:35:48It's a dead set.
00:35:49I can see it now.
00:35:50The loving relatives.
00:35:52The priest.
00:35:52The staggeringly attractive best man.
00:35:54The shagged out bridesmaids.
00:35:57No.
00:35:58Somebody like that would never fancy me.
00:36:00Of course you would.
00:36:01All we have to do is sex you up a bit.
00:36:04Like how?
00:36:05Well, if you don't mind my saying so, Bernie, you are a bit neat.
00:36:07What you need is that rough look.
00:36:09You need to be given that sexy unshaven thing.
00:36:12You mean scruffy?
00:36:14Scruffy can be sexy.
00:36:16Okay.
00:36:17I wish I looked like Bob Geldof.
00:36:19Oh my god.
00:36:21What do you think, eh?
00:36:22Certain rugged charm?
00:36:23Might be one way of putting it.
00:36:24A total blooming mess might be another.
00:36:26And I'm so damn cheeky.
00:36:28Isn't that me?
00:36:29Oh, Bernie, I liked you the way you were.
00:36:32Let's have a look.
00:36:33Bloody hell, you're right.
00:36:35This voice is getting on my nerves as well.
00:36:37I wish it was me again.
00:36:40Mr. Cute, that's my boy.
00:36:43Welcome back.
00:36:45What's next?
00:36:46Well, I thought we could go back home and check out Mona.
00:36:50Brilliant idea.
00:36:51Although, I have an even more brilliant one.
00:36:53Why don't you go home and check out Mona, and I'll go and check out those 60 foot breasts again.
00:36:59Are you sure you'll be all right without me?
00:37:01Of course.
00:37:01More importantly, will you be all right without me?
00:37:04Oh, yes.
00:37:04Up to you, Dr. Stinkley.
00:37:05Good.
00:37:07Happy days are here again.
00:37:08Whoo!
00:37:38We're slim, Hmmm, How am I?
00:37:49Whale.
00:37:53Who would you have?
00:37:54Well, you know what?
00:37:54Who nice, dude.
00:37:54Let's go.
00:37:54Damn.uary
00:38:00on the bus lane on his car. We will
00:38:02leave. Look.
00:38:02Huh?
00:38:09I'm sorry.
00:38:12Oh, I, I, I...
00:38:14We'll take that, if you don't mind.
00:38:16We don't want anyone else brutally assaulted, do we?
00:38:21Send me some assistance, Alan.
00:38:24But can I ask you why you're here?
00:38:26Is there something wrong?
00:38:28Yes, well, as a matter of fact, there is, Mr. Bottle.
00:38:31Well, you're about to be accused of...
00:38:35Grand theft.
00:38:38Hello, sir.
00:38:40What are you doing here?
00:38:42Well, I just thought I'd pop round for a little Christmas drinkie with my old pal, Bernie.
00:38:48And I discover this list of priceless paintings that you stole from our office.
00:38:55Then I happened to inspect the walls and discovered this, dear lady.
00:39:02Do you recognise that picture, Mr. Bottle, hmm?
00:39:04Oh, yes, of course I do.
00:39:05It was stolen from the Louvre earlier today.
00:39:09It is a magnificent work, isn't it?
00:39:12No matter how much time passes, one can never quite get over the wonder of that smile.
00:39:18And somehow it seems to have made its way here.
00:39:21Yes, well, I think I can explain that.
00:39:23Yes?
00:39:23Yes.
00:39:24Yes.
00:39:26Yes.
00:39:26Yes.
00:39:27Well, um, you see, the thing is, there's this lamp.
00:39:33Um, well, on second thoughts, I think I can't explain it.
00:39:40I wish it wasn't here.
00:39:47I wish it wasn't here.
00:39:53Good shot, Bobby.
00:39:54I wish it wasn't here.
00:39:57Well, I'm afraid it is.
00:39:59You're coming with us.
00:40:01Oh.
00:40:03Excuse me if I don't keep you company, gentlemen.
00:40:06Christmas bash at number ten.
00:40:08Don't want to keep poor Johnny and dear Norma waiting.
00:40:12As for you, what can I say?
00:40:15Oh, God rest ye, Mary.
00:40:18God rest ye.
00:40:19I don't mean to be cruel, don't mean to be rude.
00:40:24But Mr. Success is Mr. Totally Swoost.
00:40:29Life can be tough, life can be unfair.
00:40:34He's off to meet Mr. Electric Chair.
00:40:39Don't you worry, sir.
00:40:40I was once arrested for murder and sentenced to death by hanging.
00:40:45Is that right, Keppel?
00:40:46Oh, yes.
00:40:47He tried to appeal, but the High Court threw it out.
00:40:49I was caught red-handed, you see, sir.
00:40:51Smoking gun in the victim's mouth.
00:40:53So there I was.
00:40:54Noose round the neck.
00:40:55Padre in attendance.
00:40:57Mother in tears.
00:40:58No hope in sight.
00:41:06And?
00:41:06Oh, it all turned out all right in here, sir.
00:41:09Just a few of the lads larking about.
00:41:13Thank you, Keppel.
00:41:25Peaks.
00:41:41All right.
00:41:45Eh?
00:41:47Bottle. Bernard.
00:41:51Crime?
00:41:52Grand theft.
00:41:53And murder of a police officer.
00:41:56Really?
00:41:58Yes.
00:41:59I wonder if he's guilty.
00:42:01It's a tricky one.
00:42:03The Mona Lisa hanging in his front room
00:42:05and three witnesses who saw him clubbing his victim to death.
00:42:08Do you know something, Alan? You're right.
00:42:11It's one of those ones juries really agonize over.
00:42:22All said and done. Not a good day.
00:42:28Make one phone call.
00:42:30Might I recommend a priest?
00:42:32Either that or a publisher.
00:42:34I believe tales from death row are always big sellers.
00:42:44Please be at that. Please be at that.
00:42:46Please be at that.
00:42:47And the answer to
00:42:49All my dreams
00:42:53You're my friend
00:43:08You're my friend
00:43:09You're my friend
00:43:24I got the Dr.
00:43:39Josephus?
00:43:40Josephus?
00:43:43Hello?
00:44:05We're dealing with highly trained villains, sir.
00:44:08The first five times, there's no reply.
00:44:10Then twice, the phone's picked up but put down straight away.
00:44:13Textbook stuff.
00:44:15Brilliant work, Parker.
00:44:17Obviously, the accomplice has returned to the flat.
00:44:19We got them by the shortened painfuls.
00:44:22They're doomed, Parker.
00:44:23Doomed, sir.
00:44:25Doomed.
00:44:32Said, well, when we have none, ours is three, Bell.
00:44:37I'll come back when you have none.
00:44:39Fair enough.
00:44:40I'll come back when you have none.
00:44:42No gags like the old gags, eh, Frankie?
00:44:46Hi, guys.
00:44:47Can I help?
00:44:47You're lucky to come with us, Sunshine.
00:44:49Certainly.
00:44:51You know, he's really tiny but very funny.
00:44:53Love the uniform.
00:44:54Kinky.
00:44:54Cool.
00:44:56Spread them.
00:44:57Mmm, I was right.
00:44:59Very kinky.
00:45:01Don't try and be funny.
00:45:04Mmm, tasty.
00:45:06Thank you for the bracelet, but do you think it goes with the pendant?
00:45:11Can I just say before I answer that, that that is an absolutely splendid beard, although it might be more
00:45:17useful if you wore it on top of your head.
00:45:19Just ignore him.
00:45:20He's a smart-ass.
00:45:22Josephus.
00:45:35Get in there, smart-ass.
00:45:38Anything you say, smart uniform?
00:45:41Barney, my oldest news, pal.
00:45:44Where have you been?
00:45:45Here.
00:45:46Funny choice.
00:45:47Steal it.
00:45:47He'll have a certain kooky charm.
00:45:50Colorful toilet, and those guys out there are fun.
00:45:52It's not a choice.
00:45:53We are in real trouble.
00:45:55I could spend the rest of my life in prison, you know.
00:45:57It's no joke.
00:45:58No joke?
00:46:00Not amusing?
00:46:05What happened?
00:46:06Oh, God, it's too depressing to explain.
00:46:10Even with a genie, I'm a disaster.
00:46:15When I got home last night, they arrested me for nicking the Mona Lisa.
00:46:21The only girlfriend I'll ever get now will be six foot two with a full beard.
00:46:25Sounds okay to me.
00:46:27Oh, come on, be serious.
00:46:29I killed a policeman.
00:46:34God, poor bastard.
00:46:37And his family.
00:46:39I mean, he leaves home at 9 a.m. in a panda car, comes back home at midnight in a
00:46:43plastic bag,
00:46:44murdered by an ex-art dealer with a scimitar.
00:46:48Oh, dear.
00:46:50If only I'd been there.
00:46:53I wish you had.
00:47:04You can do that.
00:47:05For you, anything.
00:47:09Ouch.
00:47:10Ouch.
00:47:12Ah.
00:47:13Good evening, officers.
00:47:15Good evening, Mr. Bottle.
00:47:18Hi.
00:47:19Sorry, is there something wrong?
00:47:21Yes, well, as a matter of fact, there is Mr. Bottle.
00:47:24You're just about to be accused of...
00:47:29Grand theft.
00:47:30Hello, sir.
00:47:31What are you doing here?
00:47:33Well, I just thought I'd pop around and have a little drink here with my old pal, Bernie.
00:47:37And I discover this list of priceless paintings that you stole from our office.
00:47:44Then I happened to inspect the walls and discovered this, dear lady.
00:47:50Oh, yes, Kylie, my absolute favourite.
00:47:52Wait a minute.
00:47:53What's going on here?
00:47:54You told us it was the Mona Lisa.
00:47:56Well, yes, it was the Mona Lisa.
00:47:58I like this chick better.
00:47:59Yes, it's a fabulous work.
00:48:01And no matter how much time passes, one still can't quite get over the wonder of that smile.
00:48:08Hello?
00:48:10That's all.
00:48:10That's what it's for.
00:48:12What?
00:48:18Apparently, the painting's been returned.
00:48:20What do you mean, returned?
00:48:21It's back in the Louvre.
00:48:24I think we owe these people an apology.
00:48:26Mr. Bottle and Mr....
00:48:29Smartass.
00:48:31Yes.
00:48:32Um, sorry to disturb you, Mr. Smartass.
00:48:37We'll be off now.
00:48:39Thank God for that.
00:48:40I can't think of anything we'd like to do less than hang around with scum like you.
00:48:45Come again, sunshine.
00:48:47Yes.
00:48:48You are obviously a slime bag and living proof that man is directly related to this slug.
00:48:52And your face looked familiar when I first saw it.
00:48:54And now I remember seeing something very similar whilst washing down the hindquarters of a camel.
00:48:59You what?
00:48:59And you are a very large turd in a horrible pink shirt.
00:49:04I beg your bloody pardon.
00:49:10Do you wish I'd never said any of that?
00:49:14Yes, I do.
00:49:43Well, goodbye, gentlemen.
00:49:45It's nice to meet you.
00:49:45Certainly.
00:49:46Thank you, Bottle.
00:49:48Thank you, sir.
00:49:49Bye, Flower.
00:49:59My friend!
00:50:00I suspect it is going to be a very merry Christmas.
00:50:05Have you seen my toothbrush?
00:50:11No.
00:50:22I put this in the water, yes?
00:50:25Yes, not too much, though.
00:50:27How much is too much?
00:50:28Well, just put in a drop.
00:50:40I think it's too late.
00:50:41Look to the future now.
00:50:45It's only just because...
00:50:52Are you waiting for the family to arrive?
00:50:59Are you sure you've got the room to spare inside?
00:51:04How many of you are?
00:51:22Yeah.
00:51:22How many of you do?
00:51:39What can we get into?
00:51:42Let it seize your mark of Christmas at first.
00:51:46Ah, so here it is, Merry Christmas.
00:51:54Everybody's having fun.
00:51:57It's a reason I let it go.
00:52:04Ready?
00:52:05Yeah, let's rock.
00:52:19So, tell me about this Christmas thing.
00:52:21Well, it's become a very big commercial thing in recent times.
00:52:25Oh, I like commercial. I like commercials.
00:52:27Fly fishing.
00:52:28By J.R. Hartley.
00:52:29Yeah, but originally it was supposed to celebrate the birth of this chap called Jesus Christ,
00:52:33who was born, well, about 2,000 years ago.
00:52:36Jesus, you say?
00:52:38Yes.
00:52:39But I knew this guy.
00:52:41You did not.
00:52:43I did. Well, what did he do to get so famous?
00:52:45Well, he turned out to be the son of God.
00:52:46No, I thought he was kidding.
00:52:48No, true blue.
00:52:52Damn it.
00:52:53I knew there was something special about him from the moment I first met him.
00:52:57You met him?
00:52:57Of course.
00:52:58He helped out with the wine at my brother's wedding.
00:53:04Wait a minute, sir.
00:53:06You were at the wedding at Cana?
00:53:07Well, I think so.
00:53:08Although, by the end of it, I was so completely legless, I can't be sure.
00:53:13This is so bizarre.
00:53:14I told him, you could be a big money spinner, but oh no, goody two shoes was having none of
00:53:18it.
00:53:19One night, we're on the boat.
00:53:21He walks on water.
00:53:24You were there.
00:53:27One day, 5,000 people came out to see him talk, and they didn't have any food.
00:53:31So, guess what he did?
00:53:32He produced loaves and fishes for them all.
00:53:34Yes.
00:53:35I said, let's open a restaurant right now.
00:53:38We'll call it Something Fishy.
00:53:39But he didn't like the name.
00:53:42Anyway, happy birthday, Big Jay.
00:53:44A crap businessman, but a great human being.
00:53:46To Big Jay.
00:53:47Big Jay.
00:53:51Well, tell me, what happened to him?
00:53:53Well, he's crucified.
00:53:57You're kidding.
00:53:58They've not.
00:54:00There's no need for that.
00:54:03This is a wonderful guy.
00:54:06But being the son of God, he came back to life again.
00:54:09Oh great, is he still alive?
00:54:10Not really, no.
00:54:11You see, he rose up into heaven.
00:54:13Lucky for you, Jesus was not keen on people making money out of religion.
00:54:18One day I was in the temple when they tried to turn it into a supermarket.
00:54:21Jesus went in there and kicked the ass.
00:54:23Like Arnold Schwarzenegger?
00:54:25Yes, but with smaller pectorals.
00:54:27Yeah, well, unfortunately, it seems the big money people are taking over.
00:54:31Well, it's time for the no money people to strike back.
00:54:33Let's make some wishes for Big Jay his way.
00:54:36You're the boss.
00:54:36Let's do it.
00:54:47Let's do it.
00:54:50Let's do it.
00:54:52Let's do it.
00:55:02Let's do it.
00:55:05Well I'm going to take me.
00:55:11Let's do it.
00:55:15Let's take him.
00:55:27Let's do it.
00:55:30Merry Christmas!
00:55:34Look, Mommy!
00:55:42Look, Mommy, look what I've got!
00:55:53Mommy, look!
00:55:55Merry Christmas!
00:55:56Oh, you too!
00:56:00What about you? Do you fancy him as well?
00:56:11So, what did you wish for?
00:56:14No.
00:56:18What was that?
00:56:19Don't worry, Bernie, it was just a warning.
00:56:21Now, what about you?
00:56:22What would you like for Christmas?
00:56:24Well, I have had one or two little thoughts.
00:56:26Ah, good!
00:56:28Little Woods have announced their largest ever pools winner.
00:56:32Mr. Frank Keppel, a doorman in Wandsworth, has won three million pounds.
00:56:38Today, he said, it won't change his life.
00:56:41No, you see, this is in fact the fourth time I have won the three million pound prize.
00:56:45No, I don't believe it!
00:56:51Oh dear, the lifter's stuck.
00:56:53He's never done that before.
00:56:54Exactly.
00:56:56And in Battersea tonight, the cracking of a major drugs ring.
00:56:59Kevin Bell, the city financier, was found with 30 pounds of marijuana stored under his bed.
00:57:06Look, it's a plant!
00:57:07I think you'll find it's a hundred plants, actually.
00:57:10More like a thousand.
00:57:11Well, if it was all there, why did he ever give her yet?
00:57:14Tragic.
00:57:15Very terrible.
00:57:16And they look such a nice couple.
00:57:18And finally, a charming Christmas story.
00:57:20This evening, the Queen received an unexpected letter at Buckingham Palace.
00:57:24It included a check from arts dealer Charles Pinkworth, donating a hundred million pounds to Christmas charities.
00:57:31We went down to the house where a grateful crowd has gathered.
00:57:38Mr. Charles Pinkworth?
00:57:42Yes?
00:57:43What made you make this extraordinarily generous gesture?
00:57:47What gesture?
00:57:48A hundred million pounds!
00:57:50The hundred million pound check to the Queen.
00:57:53Repeat ye.
00:57:55Buckingham Palace apparently has received a one hundred million pound charity check from you.
00:58:02You've become a national hero because of your generosity.
00:58:06Have I?
00:58:07And knighthood is surely on its way.
00:58:09I wish it wasn't on its way.
00:58:11Is it?
00:58:12No, no, apparently it's not.
00:58:15But please tell the nation what your motives were.
00:58:18Fifty million people want to know.
00:58:20How is this?
00:58:22Well, Christmas is very much a time for giving and I thought it was about time that somebody from the
00:58:31commercial sector put their money where their mouth was and gave their entire fortune away to the needy.
00:58:41The fortune for which he has worked for twenty-five bloody years.
00:59:10And what a wonderful story that is.
00:59:12Now the Christmas weather.
00:59:14And for the first time in fifteen years, deep, deep snow.
00:59:19From all of us here, goodbye and a very merry Christmas.
00:59:27Well, that's it, isn't it?
00:59:28Uh, not quite.
00:59:33Excuse me, please.
00:59:40Ah, snack time.
00:59:43A little light refreshment.
00:59:50So, what do you want for Christmas, George Freshman?
00:59:52Oh, new pair of pants.
00:59:55Oh, new pair of pants.
00:59:55What have you liked?
00:59:56Chicken tandoori flavored toothpaste.
00:59:58Oh, come on.
00:59:59You know, when we first met, I was the most wretched bloke in the whole world.
01:00:05Except maybe for that guy who was married to Esther Anson.
01:00:08Maybe him.
01:00:10But now, you know, I'm as happy as Michelle Pfeiffer's underpants.
01:00:16And I'd like to give you something fab for Christmas.
01:00:20Well, there is something, Bernard.
01:00:22Mm-hmm.
01:00:23But it's blooming hard to ask for.
01:00:24Well, just you ask away.
01:00:25Whatever it is, it's yours.
01:00:30I want to go home.
01:00:35See, I like it here.
01:00:38I love little Frank Carson and I love big Kevin Costner.
01:00:42I love post-it notes.
01:00:46I love you.
01:00:49But I miss things.
01:00:52I miss my family.
01:00:55I don't have anybody to write Christmas cards to.
01:00:59I miss my fiancée.
01:01:02I miss Eggbird and Pee Wee.
01:01:04The kittens.
01:01:05The kittens.
01:01:08And no one stir-fries rabbit droppings like my mum does.
01:01:12Yes.
01:01:13Yes, well, people rather seem to have lost an act there.
01:01:18Oh dear.
01:01:20Yes.
01:01:21Well.
01:01:23Surely.
01:01:25And there's another thing.
01:01:26If I could just get the recipe for these 100% beef patty things.
01:01:29You could make a bob or two.
01:01:30Exactly.
01:01:31And if I could memorize the songs by Mr. Barry White.
01:01:33I could snog every babe in a Yashmak from Mount Hebron to the Red Sea.
01:01:37We got it together, didn't we?
01:01:39Sure, sure.
01:01:40I understand.
01:01:45You should go.
01:01:49But first, there's one thing I'd like to try.
01:01:53Don't be nervous, Manny.
01:01:55Don't worry, I've got you.
01:02:01That's where I was born.
01:02:16That was a fabulous tour, Bernie.
01:02:19Rome wasn't quite as big as I expected it to be.
01:02:22But New York.
01:02:23Wow, that was fantastic.
01:02:24Yeah, the Americans have put a lot of work into it.
01:02:28Tell me, why there are no tall buildings in Beirut?
01:02:31That's a long story.
01:02:33Take me home, James.
01:02:41I can't believe you wished for this stuff.
01:02:43It's bloody freezing.
01:03:09Well, here we go.
01:03:12Goodbye.
01:03:15You got it, big funky dude?
01:03:21I'd like to say I'd call, but the phone system in first century Palestine
01:03:24is absolute crap.
01:03:28Okay.
01:03:31Are you sure you got enough stuff?
01:03:33I think so.
01:03:37Look, um, if you bump into Jesus,
01:03:41tell him to keep an eye on Judas.
01:03:42He's a nasty piece of work.
01:03:45Okay.
01:03:47I have a present for you.
01:03:49Take it from me.
01:03:50It may not look like much, but it may come in handy when I leave.
01:03:54Okay, fine, thanks.
01:03:59And when you're looking through that old Bible...
01:04:01Bible?
01:04:02Whatever.
01:04:03And it says,
01:04:04the multitude gathered.
01:04:07Remember,
01:04:09one of them is a close personal friend of yours.
01:04:12Oh, this is getting far too emotional.
01:04:15I wish you'd just go.
01:04:16No way.
01:04:18I wish...
01:04:19I wish...
01:04:22I wish...
01:04:42Merry Christmas.
01:04:49So what do you want for Christmas?
01:05:01and we're going to live.
01:05:05I might not have a chance.
01:05:08we might not have a chance in class.
01:05:09But if we have a chance to give my rent,
01:05:10it's time to give up sometimes.
01:05:10And i'm going to give up.
01:05:37Let's go.
01:05:40The person who is in the heart is a woman,
01:05:42and she is a woman, and she is a woman.
01:05:45If you are not a woman,
01:05:47we will not be able to get married.
01:05:52We will not be able to get married,
01:05:53We will have a meeting
01:05:54from a woman's house.
01:06:16He's Mr. Success, he's higher than high
01:06:20He's sweeter than the sweetest cherry pie
01:06:23He's king of the hill, he's top of the keep
01:06:27He's Mr. Unique, he's not Mr. She
01:06:31From the shine on his shoe to the stars in his eye
01:06:35If he were a girl, he'd be Princess Di
01:06:42He's Mr. Success, he's higher than high
01:06:46He's sweeter than the sweetest cherry pie
01:06:49He's king of the hill, he's top of the keep
01:06:53He's Mr. Unique, he's not Mr. She
01:07:19He's master, I'm Str. Unique, he's high now
01:07:22Your friend, unique, she's higher than high
01:07:25As it goes on his Kind tube and he's high yawn
01:07:26You
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