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01:38Is it Donald Trump saying he was thrilled to finally meet Mr. Bean?
01:44It's very rare that a passenger looks like they're made from higher quality leather than the seats they're on.
01:51Is it Donald saying, don't worry Keir, we're just going for a little drive?
01:58This looks like when you're arguing with your partner at a wedding and then suddenly the photographer turns up, you're
02:03like...
02:07I mean, the difference in expression, it looks like one of them is a lot more sure about the bulletproof
02:13nature of the glass.
02:16These are the exact expressions you'd expect both of them to make if the taxi driver started being racist.
02:24OK, I know this isn't really the point of this round and I know I've never done the show before,
02:27but have ties always been this long?
02:30LAUGHTER
02:32Am I crazy?
02:33I like blankets.
02:35All right, gentlemen, compensating for something?
02:37OK.
02:38When you get into a car, it's etiquette to tuck your tie into your gooch.
02:47Is it the back of the bonnie blue bang bus?
02:51LAUGHTER
02:52Is it Dara?
02:54Erm, erm, no.
02:56It's not?
02:56LAUGHTER
02:57Good, cos I wouldn't know what that looks like.
03:00LAUGHTER
03:00It's a bang bus.
03:02LAUGHTER
03:03Yeah, yeah, you've got a rival bus, I'm afraid.
03:07LAUGHTER
03:07Mine is a Dara being cuddle bus.
03:10It's a different...
03:11LAUGHTER
03:12No, it's not.
03:13LAUGHTER
03:14That sounds even creepier than the...
03:16Yeah, that does.
03:17LAUGHTER
03:18See what happens in my bus and let's hope it's mega.
03:23LAUGHTER
03:24What is the correct answer?
03:25Is it President Donald Trump and Prime Minister Keir Starmer in a car?
03:31LAUGHTER
03:32Yeah, well...
03:33Yeah, I mean, you could have made it more about the news this week,
03:35but no, that'll do fine.
03:36Thank you very much, Ed Byrne, you're very kind.
03:38APPLAUSE
03:39I don't think that's what it is.
03:42APPLAUSE
03:42Yes, of course, this is UK Prime Minister Keir Starmer
03:44and US President Donald Trump pictured in happier times.
03:47This is also the news that following a disagreement
03:49about the US using British airbases,
03:50Starmer called Trump in an attempt to repair the so-called special relationship.
03:55I feel like all of Starmer's advisers are just like,
03:58I feel like you should stay away from Donald Trump.
03:59He is not a good guy.
04:01And Starmer's like, but he looks so cute in hats.
04:03LAUGHTER
04:05That's weird, cos maybe you're coming from, as a man,
04:08I think it's more like, you know, that girl you're friends with
04:11who says, oh, you're my best friend, hold my coat while I shag that guy.
04:15LAUGHTER
04:17OK, she'll spot me eventually.
04:20We have a special relationship.
04:23Is that what she's doing?
04:24So I've been holding these coats for no reason.
04:27LAUGHTER
04:28How many coats do you have now?
04:31LAUGHTER
04:31So, yes, what is happening between the UK and the US?
04:34It's crazy, really, that this is the reason the special relationship's falling apart.
04:37Cos, like, one of the main things he's annoyed about,
04:39let me say, is that we won't let him use our military base.
04:42And it's like, yeah, he's Donald Trump.
04:43I wouldn't let him use my charger.
04:45LAUGHTER
04:46He's a nutter.
04:47Also, he's at war.
04:48You can't be at war and then ask to use our military base.
04:50It's like saying, I currently have diarrhoea, can I borrow your trousers?
04:54LAUGHTER
04:56I'm glad that Starmer stood up for himself,
04:58because, like, he told Trump he wasn't allowed to use the air bases
05:02for the war unless there was a legal mandate.
05:04And, I mean, he spoke to him on the phone for 20 minutes.
05:06I don't know about you guys, but a guy talking to another guy
05:09for 20 minutes on the phone sounds like a mandate.
05:11Bye!
05:13Good night, everybody.
05:19Tony Blair has intervened and said that Starmer
05:22should have, you know, acquiesced sooner.
05:24And I don't know about you, but is there a phrase
05:26that's more alarming than, Tony Blair has intervened?
05:30LAUGHTER
05:30A shiver goes through my body every time I hear it.
05:33I say, oh, I think Tony Blair is intervening.
05:36Why is Tony Blair so obsessed with it, right?
05:38Tony Blair, he dealt with the IRA, he did Iraq,
05:41and now he's doing it in Iran.
05:42Why is he so obsessed with the letters IRA?
05:45LAUGHTER
05:45Because he got an X called IRA and cheated on him.
05:49APPLAUSE
05:49He's like a freak.
05:52What did Trump say about Starmer?
05:54He called him a loser.
05:55He did?
05:56Yeah.
05:57That's it.
05:59LAUGHTER
05:59This made me feel jingoistic, right?
06:01Because, you know, I didn't realise...
06:03I don't have national pride, but I realised I do have national shame.
06:06LAUGHTER
06:06Because Trump has come out and said that Starmer's a loser,
06:09and I've immediately thought,
06:10well, no, you can't say that.
06:11We can say that.
06:12LAUGHTER
06:13But, like, as soon as he said it, I was like,
06:15he's not a loser.
06:15He's got a very difficult job.
06:17OK?
06:17He comes from Hungary.
06:19LAUGHTER
06:19His father was a toolmaker, you know?
06:22LAUGHTER
06:23He's trying his very best, OK?
06:25If a British person said,
06:26what do you think of Starmer,
06:27I'd go, that loser, his dad's a dickhead.
06:28LAUGHTER
06:29But I'm glad that he stood up to Trump
06:31and said that he's not allowed to use the bases,
06:33because I don't know if anyone else feels this way,
06:35but I am sick of obnoxious Americans
06:37coming over here, imposing themselves on British institutions
06:40for their own personal financial aid.
06:42LAUGHTER
06:42Thank you very much.
06:44LAUGHTER
06:44Beautiful.
06:47APPLAUSE
06:47You'd say you could only use that chair for defensive purposes.
06:51LAUGHTER
06:53He's got nothing to offer Trump, hasn't he?
06:54He doesn't want to give the bases,
06:56oh, the King's coming to see you,
06:57come for another state visit.
06:58He's like, oh, now,
06:59would you like to say that Shakespeare's American, please?
07:03LAUGHTER
07:03Would you like custody of Lorraine Kelly?
07:05Have I?
07:07What, therefore, is happening to energy prices at the moment?
07:10Are they sort of going down a bit?
07:12Are they slipping?
07:13Um...
07:14Overall...
07:14It's a good 50-50 shot.
07:16LAUGHTER
07:17I mean, there are times when they are,
07:19because it's quite a volatile situation at the moment,
07:21and at the time of the recording, it's up,
07:23and then it's down, it's up and then it's down.
07:24Who knows?
07:24Because oil is very slidey as well.
07:27LAUGHTER
07:28Is that a science-y term?
07:30That's a science-y term, actually.
07:32OK.
07:32And they're also sending teams in
07:33to get all their enriched uranium, aren't they?
07:36Would you sign up for that?
07:39LAUGHTER
07:39We're going to get three and a half tonnes of enriched uranium.
07:42That's not going to affect your life expectancy at all.
07:45LAUGHTER
07:45I don't expect to be approached for that job.
07:48LAUGHTER
07:48I mean, they'll go to Romesh first.
07:51LAUGHTER
07:52And then Ed Gamble next.
07:54But also, you know, you don't have any hair to lose.
07:56LAUGHTER
07:56You're right.
07:58I can't do it.
07:59I can't.
08:00It would be such a terrible loss to me.
08:03LAUGHTER
08:03Why are you in there?
08:04On that, Dara, you could stop off in Turkey on the way.
08:07LAUGHTER
08:09Come back for series two.
08:13Do you think I should go on a secret mission
08:16to get all the uranium out and yet come back with more hair?
08:21LAUGHTER
08:22So a barrel of oil is, like, last time I checked,
08:25$100 or £75, which actually seems stunningly low,
08:30bearing in mind that the oil is at the bottom of the ocean
08:33and they have to get it out.
08:35Like...
08:35Like...
08:36A birthday clown costs £225 on average.
08:41LAUGHTER
08:42I mean, kids need to get their priorities straight.
08:46You're right, you're right.
08:46Do you want an unemployed actor in a wig
08:48or do you want three barrels of crude oil kit?
08:52LAUGHTER
08:52How long can a birthday clown burn for?
08:56LAUGHTER
08:56That was one hour, Ed.
08:58£225 for one hour.
08:59I checked.
09:02What's going on here?
09:05Is this what happens when you go to see
09:06Back to the Future, the musical, but the understudy's on?
09:11Where we're going, we don't need votes!
09:14LAUGHTER
09:19She looks like she's really regretting
09:21putting her coffee in the driver door.
09:24LAUGHTER
09:27It's giving real mum sort of picking you up from a party
09:29energy.
09:30Like, I won't embarrass you!
09:32LAUGHTER
09:32I'll just open the door sideways!
09:35LAUGHTER
09:36She won't be smiling when she realises
09:37that car's not you, Les, compliant.
09:40LAUGHTER
09:41I would have said what the price of oil the way it is,
09:43a plutonium-powered car makes sense.
09:45Yeah, yeah, yeah.
09:46She's saying, can you help, please?
09:47There's a man having a wee against the side of the car.
09:51LAUGHTER
09:52All I can see is a photo of someone doing a great job
09:55in difficult circumstances talking to Kemi Badenov.
09:58LAUGHTER
10:00Why is it left-hand drive?
10:02Is it just to wind her up, to put her on the left?
10:05LAUGHTER
10:07I think, in the film, it's left-hand drive.
10:09It's a...
10:09It's a DeLorean, so it might be.
10:11Yeah.
10:12It wasn't that they were just built for Northern Irish market.
10:14Is the DeLorean a real car?
10:16It's a real car!
10:17Yeah, yeah.
10:18LAUGHTER
10:20I thought it was just the name of the thing in the film.
10:24No, no.
10:25It was a guy called John DeLorean,
10:26put a car factory in Northern Ireland
10:28and set up this thing,
10:29and he did a car with gold-wing doors and...
10:31Yeah.
10:31Not a very successful one.
10:32Notoriously dodgy car.
10:34Yeah.
10:34And then, even Back to the Future
10:36couldn't save the actual factory that made the car
10:38sort of Back to the Future.
10:40Well, do you know,
10:41I wasn't sure that this show needed to come back,
10:43and now I've learnt that fact because...
10:47It's not worth it!
10:48LAUGHTER
10:49It is, of course, Kemi Badnock.
10:51The news that the leader of the Conservative Party,
10:53Kemi Badnock,
10:53is reportedly pondering a Shadow Cabinet reshuffle
10:56in order to promote younger MPs
10:57and get rid of so-called dead wood.
10:59Why would you reshuffle the Shadow Cabinet?
11:01It's a pretend job.
11:04There's no point doing a reshuffle.
11:05It's no different to a football manager
11:06watching his team lose
11:07and making two of the subs swap seats.
11:09LAUGHTER
11:10They got 1.9% of the vote in the last by-election.
11:14Yes.
11:14I'm not sure a reshuffle's going to do it.
11:17LAUGHTER
11:17Haven't they already done a reshuffle to reform?
11:20LAUGHTER
11:22It's hardly surprising you can't trust people
11:24in a thing called the Shadow Cabinet.
11:26LAUGHTER
11:27Sinister piece of furniture you could imagine.
11:29At least...
11:30At least I've got my friends in the haunted wardrobe.
11:33LAUGHTER
11:34Lord Mandelson was once in the Shadow Cabinet.
11:38LAUGHTER
11:42APPLAUSE
11:44She wants younger voters, right?
11:46She does.
11:46It's a bit late, isn't it,
11:48for the Tories to suddenly target the youth.
11:49They've done nothing but nosh off pensioners for the last 50 years.
11:52LAUGHTER
11:53And they...
11:53What does that...?
11:55Excuse me.
11:55Excuse me, Gary.
11:57LAUGHTER
11:59You can look up her address afterwards.
12:02LAUGHTER
12:04I want to know what's so bad about noshing off pensioners.
12:06It's a good honest job.
12:09LAUGHTER
12:09And how are they going to get...
12:10Is she just going to be in PMQs trying to speak like a young person now?
12:13Just being like,
12:13Oh, small boats are such an ick.
12:16LAUGHTER
12:17She said a really weird thing.
12:18She compared the Labour Party to orcs and goons.
12:22Mm, yeah.
12:22Which is...
12:22Yeah.
12:23Which is weird, because orcs are goons.
12:26Like...
12:27They're the lowest rank in Saruman's army.
12:30LAUGHTER
12:30She should have said Uruk-hai and goons.
12:34LAUGHTER
12:34Wow.
12:35LAUGHTER
12:36Come on!
12:38APPLAUSE
12:40Tell you.
12:41She's...
12:42She's not going to recover from that.
12:44LAUGHTER
12:45It's so embarrassing.
12:46I know.
12:47I want to vote for you, Kemi.
12:50LAUGHTER
12:50She's not got a chance, has she?
12:51Because the problem is, like,
12:52all the age groups are now gone for political parties.
12:55You know, all the old people have now gone to reform,
12:57you know, in terms of where they're voting.
12:58Middle-aged people do Labour, young people do Green.
13:01What the Tories need to do, and what she needs to do,
13:03is start thinking about elections sort of 20 years in the future.
13:06Right?
13:06And they need to just target toddlers.
13:09She needs to just get her name out there with toddlers.
13:11Every PMQ, she's just looked down the barrel of the camera
13:13and go...
13:13Ba-duh...
13:14...knot-dood-dood-dood-dood.
13:16LAUGHTER
13:19That was it?
13:20That's how she's gonna win.
13:21Yeah, that's it.
13:22Look, if it entertained my son for 20 minutes,
13:23I'd put it on.
13:25LAUGHTER
13:27At the end of that round, the points go to Ed,
13:29Rhys and Jenise!
13:31CHEERING
13:32Join us after the break for more Mock The Week!
13:43Now we play a round called You Think That's Bad.
13:47In a world where everything seems to be going wrong,
13:49this is a chance for our performers to compete
13:50to outdo each other with tales of woe from their lives
13:52and I decide whose is the worst.
13:54Anyone care to start us off?
13:56I will.
13:57I am currently having my self-esteem demolished every night
14:00by the volume and enthusiasm
14:02with which the foxes outside my window orgasm.
14:07It is, I cannot compete with this volume.
14:09I have to lie next to my girlfriend every night
14:11if she goes, oh, another hot night in the vulpine community,
14:13as it means.
14:15I looked up what you can do to deter foxes, right?
14:17Apparently, to get rid of foxes from your garden,
14:18you're supposed to use male human urine.
14:20That's what it says.
14:21I read that, my first thought was, oh, I'll have to get a man round.
14:26That's how in my head they are.
14:29You think that's bad?
14:29I went into a cool cafe and they were playing cool music
14:33and I didn't recognise it.
14:34It was like, oh, oh, ha.
14:36It was like percussive and arrhythmical
14:39and I was grooving along to the bar.
14:40What is this?
14:40Oh, oh, ha.
14:42And I got to the bar and it was tennis.
14:46I thought, this is my new jam.
14:48This is, I'm going to be listening to this.
14:50What is this?
14:50A few months ago, me and my wife found what is clearly a lady's watch
14:56in our house and neither of us has any idea who owns it
15:01and we have phoned people.
15:03We've asked everybody, the babysitter, the babysitter's daughter.
15:07We cannot figure out who owns this watch
15:10and my wife is not even vaguely suspicious.
15:21I love the idea that she could find some, like, ladies' underwear
15:24and her first thought would be, have you started wearing ladies' underwear?
15:28Oh, no.
15:29The ghost is back that keeps shedding dust.
15:32The Victorian lady ghost who keeps leaving underwear
15:35and used condoms around our house.
15:39Oh, we have to get a priest in to bless that.
15:42You're the weird lady ghost.
15:43You think that's bad?
15:45I had to change my name for equity
15:47and my real surname is Joss.
15:50What is that?
15:52LAUGHTER
15:54You have to spell it, see, this, now, Hugh Joss.
15:59You think that's bad?
16:00I just bought an island for what I thought was an absolutely bargain price
16:04until I found out I used to own it.
16:07If you think that's bad,
16:09I once got cast to play a sex worker in a movie
16:11and I got paid less than an actual sex worker.
16:15I did it.
16:17You know, that's bad.
16:17I grew up in the northeast of England
16:19and I once heard someone call into a talk radio show
16:21and start their comment with,
16:23I am racist, but...
16:26LAUGHTER
16:28If you think that's bad,
16:29I had a C-section at a teaching hospital
16:31and, if you don't know, when you have a C-section, you're awake,
16:33so I heard everything
16:35and at one point I heard the senior doctor say to the junior doctor,
16:39Mm, now what I would have done differently there,
16:43You think that's bad?
16:44When I had my baby afterwards,
16:46I heard the doctor say,
16:47Where does that bit go?
16:49LAUGHTER
16:51LAUGHTER
16:52Just...
16:53They're just fucking with you!
16:54It is!
16:55Actually, and when I had another baby,
16:57I heard them say,
16:59I had a cesarean afterwards,
17:00they were sewing me up and they went,
17:01Time to clean the gutters now.
17:05Look at the gutters!
17:07Clean the clean, I guess, huh?
17:08Yeah.
17:09I think that's bad.
17:12Um...
17:13LAUGHTER
17:14LAUGHTER
17:16LAUGHTER
17:16LAUGHTER
17:16Tell her, babe!
17:17Tell her!
17:18It's like, raise the bar from that, babe!
17:20Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's fine.
17:22Now, um...
17:23We've actually got a French exchange student
17:25in our house at the moment
17:26and I've not met him
17:28because I...
17:29I never got round to getting a criminal background check,
17:32right?
17:33Which is fine,
17:34except that my wife said to me,
17:36in front of a neighbour,
17:37without context,
17:38don't forget the French exchange student
17:39arriving tomorrow.
17:40You're not allowed to be alone with them.
17:43LAUGHTER
17:45LAUGHTER
17:46LAUGHTER
17:47LAUGHTER
17:48LAUGHTER
17:48LAUGHTER
17:49Sorry, so your wife
17:50doesn't suspect you're having an affair
17:51with an adult woman?
17:52LAUGHTER
17:53She is worried about a French teenager.
17:57LAUGHTER
17:57At the end of that round,
17:58the boys go to Ellie, Hugh and Alistair!
18:01APPLAUSE
18:03The next round is called
18:05Passing Through the Strait of Hermusment.
18:08LAUGHTER
18:11This game involves Alistair and Janine,
18:12so if you could make your way
18:13to the performance area, please.
18:15This round is a stand-up challenge.
18:16I launch the Wheel of News
18:17and wherever it chooses to stop,
18:18one of our performers must step forward
18:20and talk about that subject.
18:21The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.
18:23OK, here we go.
18:24Let's our first topic, please.
18:27The subject is names.
18:28Who wants to come in on that?
18:29Janine.
18:31So, my husband and I,
18:33we had our first baby recently
18:34and it took us a while to name him
18:36because we didn't want him to get bullied
18:38because growing up,
18:39my name is innocuous enough,
18:41but people made up all sorts of mean nicknames.
18:43Kids called me
18:44Heroni Macaroni,
18:45Heroni Baloney,
18:47Bitch.
18:48LAUGHTER
18:50LAUGHTER
18:50When I was in high school,
18:51I knew a guy whose name was Michael Litteris.
18:55LAUGHTER
18:57That means his name was Mike Litteris
19:00and you couldn't even joke with him about it.
19:02Mike Litteris is very sensitive.
19:04LAUGHTER
19:06LAUGHTER
19:06You do not want to rub Mike Litteris the wrong way.
19:09And it's not even like he could ask people
19:12to call him Michael
19:13because then it just sounds sassy.
19:14They'd be like,
19:15Michael Litteris, so...
19:17LAUGHTER
19:19A lot of people asked us
19:21if we would give my son an Irish name
19:22because my husband is Irish
19:24and I love Irish names.
19:26My first flatmate was an Irish girl.
19:27Her name was Cuiva.
19:29And if you don't know the name Cuiva,
19:30that's spelled C-A-O-I-M-H-E.
19:34When she told me that,
19:35I was like,
19:35hmm, that's not a name.
19:37LAUGHTER
19:38That's a Wi-Fi password.
19:40LAUGHTER
19:40Very secure.
19:42I don't understand these women
19:43who let their husbands name the baby after themselves
19:47because women do 100% of the work in pregnancy.
19:51Like, honestly, being pregnant with my husband's baby,
19:53it felt like we'd been paired up
19:54to do a school science project
19:56where I had to do all of the work for nine months.
19:59LAUGHTER
19:59But he got the exact same grade
20:01because he brought the pen.
20:04LAUGHTER
20:05LAUGHTER
20:06And then after nine months of pregnancy,
20:08you still have to push a baby out your fun hole,
20:10and I was terrified of doing it.
20:12I called my mom and I asked her,
20:14what's it like?
20:14And she said,
20:15I mean, it was fine.
20:16I gave birth to three babies,
20:18no pain medication.
20:19It was fine.
20:21I mean, I tore
20:22and I couldn't feel my clitoris for two years,
20:23but it was fine.
20:25I said, what?
20:27Maybe that's what happened to Mrs. Litteris.
20:29LAUGHTER
20:31Maybe she wasn't naming her son.
20:32Maybe she was calling out for medical attention
20:34like, my clitoris!
20:35LAUGHTER
20:36And that would be like,
20:36Mike's a lovely name.
20:37Excellent choice.
20:38LAUGHTER
20:44OK, that leaves us with Alistair.
20:47Let's see what your topic is.
20:48Let's spin the wheel.
20:50The topic is smoking.
20:52LAUGHTER
20:54When I was a kid,
20:56the secret of being cool
20:57was having candy cigarettes,
20:59which were made of candy,
21:01shaped like cigarettes,
21:02super cool in the 90s
21:03because you could be there on the playground
21:04nibbling away, nibbling, nibbling.
21:05Like a little James Dean,
21:07nibble, nibble, nibble.
21:08So you'd have just a little bit of candy cigarette left
21:10and then you could be like,
21:11right, off to maths.
21:14LAUGHTER
21:15Instantly cool.
21:16You know, nibble, nibble, nibble, nibble,
21:17strut around the playground,
21:18stub out on a wall,
21:19have a go on the swings.
21:21Cool.
21:23I know I look like someone
21:24who's been blessed with many of nature's gifts.
21:28LAUGHTER
21:30What I mean by that
21:31is people often try to buy drugs from me.
21:34LAUGHTER
21:36That's not my thing.
21:36I've never been into drugs.
21:38But people don't believe that
21:39because of the way I look.
21:39A guy came up to me, he said,
21:41oh, you must know where we can get some stuff.
21:43And I said, no, honestly, I don't.
21:44He said, oh, come on.
21:45Come on.
21:46Not even, er...
21:49That's really it.
21:50Now, the thing is, genuinely,
21:51I don't know where you buy cannabis,
21:52I don't know where you buy marijuana,
21:54but I do know
21:55where you can get swanny whistles.
21:58LAUGHTER
22:01So that man is now on his way
22:03to Mr McGillicuddy's whistle factory.
22:05It's a prime emporium.
22:07And I'm full of drugs, actually.
22:10Now, it's a real problem.
22:11I used to work there
22:12and I tried to do something about it,
22:13but I don't know if you know,
22:14it's very difficult to report wrongdoing
22:16if you work in a whistle factory.
22:19APPLAUSE
22:21Thank you very much.
22:22At the end of that round,
22:23the points go to Ginny.
22:25Everyone come back here.
22:26Thank you very much.
22:28APPLAUSE
22:31Join us after the break
22:32for more Mock the Week.
22:40The next round is called
22:42If This Is The Answer,
22:43What Is The Question?
22:45On the board are six categories.
22:46Ginny, which category would you like?
22:48Science, please.
22:49OK, your topic is science.
22:50The answer is 685,000 miles.
22:53What is the question?
22:55Is it how far do I have to travel
22:57to escape my mother's criticism?
23:01Is it if you printed out
23:03all the emails in the Epstein files
23:04and laid them out flat,
23:06how far must you remain
23:07from schools at all times?
23:10How much railway have the French built
23:13since we started HS2?
23:16LAUGHTER
23:17Is it, girls, if we're honest,
23:19how big is too big?
23:21LAUGHTER
23:22You see, what is the range
23:23of the all-new, all-electric
23:25Land Rover Exaggerator?
23:28LAUGHTER
23:29What is the annual income
23:31and first name of a guy
23:33who thinks he's pretty bloody
23:34working-class, actually?
23:37LAUGHTER
23:41What does my step count appear to be
23:43if I change my watch
23:44to my left hand?
23:45LAUGHTER
23:48LAUGHTER
23:49LAUGHTER
23:52LAUGHTER
23:52LAUGHTER
23:52On a similar note...
23:54LAUGHTER
23:54What is inside Miles Jopps' testicles?
23:59LAUGHTER
24:00LAUGHTER
24:02LAUGHTER
24:03LAUGHTER
24:05That's not a similar note.
24:08LAUGHTER
24:09Is it what distance are people talking about
24:11when they say,
24:12that's not a million miles away?
24:15LAUGHTER
24:16LAUGHTER
24:17LAUGHTER
24:18Is it, after telling me he's .5 miles away
24:21two minutes ago, how far away is my Uber driver now?
24:24LAUGHTER
24:25Is it, uh, how far away would David Walliams
24:28now have to swim to get my donation?
24:30LAUGHTER
24:32LAUGHTER
24:33How close is Brooklyn Beckham to his family?
24:37LAUGHTER
24:39What is the area?
24:40Surface area.
24:41I'm going to go with that.
24:42Yeah, go on.
24:43Of your fucking noggin.
24:46LAUGHTER
24:47LAUGHTER
24:48APPLAUSE
24:54Miles is a measure of length, not of area.
24:57OK, er...
25:00Square miles.
25:01Yeah, does it say square miles?
25:02It says square miles there, does it?
25:03LAUGHTER
25:04No, no, the miles are not square.
25:05Do you know what it is, though?
25:07Ssss!
25:07LAUGHTER
25:09You don't hear fucking next to the word noggin very often, do you?
25:12LAUGHTER
25:13I think I do know the right answer to this, by the way.
25:15Oh, do you know the right answer? Yeah, exactly.
25:17Is it?
25:18LAUGHTER
25:20What I feel, this is not...
25:21No, no, no, this is serious.
25:23Is it...? There's a thing called Artemis,
25:24there's a rocket called Artemis, isn't there?
25:26There it is.
25:27It's going round the moon.
25:28So I'm kind of thinking, how far will it travel?
25:30Absolutely right. Thank you very much, Hugh.
25:32Oh, thank you.
25:33APPLAUSE
25:35APPLAUSE
25:37Yes, the question I was looking for was, how far will the Artemis 2 mission travel when it heads to
25:41the moon?
25:41This is news that NASA's latest attempt to reach the moon has suffered several setbacks
25:45and will now not launch until the 1st of April at the earliest.
25:48The mission will see a crewed spacecraft travel around the moon for the first time since Apollo 17, over 50
25:53years ago.
25:54Is that an easy rocket?
25:57LAUGHTER
25:59Why are we going back to the moon?
26:01It's not changed.
26:03LAUGHTER
26:03It's not like Hackney.
26:05LAUGHTER
26:06You're not going, oh, the moon used to be dangerous, now it's got a gale.
26:09LAUGHTER
26:10The moon has been gentrified, it's really come up, it's amazing, yeah.
26:14Finally!
26:14No, they're not, they're not going to the moon, are they?
26:16You know how close they get to the moon?
26:18They're flying by it, aren't they?
26:19Yeah, they are.
26:19So the closest they get to the moon's surface is 5,500 miles.
26:23Yes.
26:24That's like standing in Cornwall and going, yeah, I've been to Milwaukee.
26:27LAUGHTER
26:28They're not there, they're not going to the moon.
26:30We've basically gone to the moon, then.
26:32No. No, what?
26:34LAUGHTER
26:41I struggle to maintain the whimsical dance I'm supposed to do
26:45at a comedy show, when you idiots keep coming up with these things.
26:49LAUGHTER
26:49You're going to make them blow the top off his 685,000 square mile head.
26:55Where are they going, Tom? Where are they going?
26:58They're going because ultimately the idea is to go back and actually land on it
27:00and then either use it as a base for which to do other trips
27:03or to, you know, gather minerals from the moon.
27:05But we have landed on it, why are they going to see whether we can land on it?
27:09We have landed on it. We did land on it.
27:11So why are we going back?
27:12Have we forgotten how?
27:15LAUGHTER
27:16So they need to check out the parking.
27:18LAUGHTER
27:19I think this is the real danger, because we haven't been there since,
27:22like, the 70s, is that right? Yeah.
27:23So there's a very real possibility that when we get there,
27:25the moon will be casually racist.
27:28LAUGHTER
27:29So they're going to come back and they go,
27:31How is the moon? And he goes, ooh, inappropriate.
27:34LAUGHTER
27:34Cos I would say there's a much more gender-diverse
27:37and ethically diverse crew that are going up as well, like, whatever.
27:40So it's really asking for trouble.
27:41How many women are going?
27:43There's one woman of the four.
27:44Oh, so it's like a panel show?
27:45Yeah, I guess.
27:47Jimmy.
27:48Hey!
27:50It works.
27:53But they've delayed the launch, right?
27:54Because they can't...
27:55Because they're waiting for the price of fuel to come down.
27:59Did they do a thing called a wet dress rehearsal?
28:01Yeah. We've all done that.
28:04LAUGHTER
28:05And they've failed with these things, yeah, so far.
28:07So they keep putting it off.
28:09Would you like to have been an astronaut?
28:10I'd love to have been an astronaut, yeah.
28:11Aren't you too tall? How tall are you?
28:13I'm way too tall. All astronauts are really, really tiny.
28:15Yeah. Other than that, he would have been...
28:17I mean, that was it. He would have sailed through the medical.
28:19Yeah.
28:20LAUGHTER
28:22LAUGHTER
28:25Interestingly, there are four astronauts on this trip, like, whatever,
28:27but why do those astronauts have a special significance for Ed?
28:31Did one of them find a woman's wife?
28:34LAUGHTER
28:35The answer is, they're all younger than Ed,
28:37but they've done so much more with their life.
28:42LAUGHTER
28:45APPLAUSE
28:46Sorry, I know that.
28:47I'm younger than you, so...
28:49LAUGHTER
28:50That's also me.
28:51You can totally get a turn to me, but I know who said it.
28:56Dara, would you go, if you like...
28:58Yeah, of course I'd go.
28:58Would you go?
29:00How soon? How soon?
29:01How soon?
29:02LAUGHTER
29:03I just read the tone.
29:05Would you?
29:06If we all come in, guys!
29:08Would you go?
29:09Would you just...
29:09Would you go?
29:11Why do you want to go? It sounds crap.
29:14Why does it sound crap?
29:15Because you're basically locked in a tube with your colleagues for ages.
29:19If one of you farts, you can't even open the window or you die.
29:22LAUGHTER
29:23It's usually a two-month holiday on the Central Line.
29:25LAUGHTER
29:27If you...
29:27If you fart on a spacewalk,
29:30that fart is going to be waiting for you at the end, isn't it?
29:34Hang on...
29:35When you take a...
29:36When you take your helmet off...
29:37The thing off.
29:38It's not...
29:38Because the fart can't go anywhere, can it?
29:39Well, surely it's just in your whole...
29:41The whole thing.
29:42It's still going...
29:42Oh, when you take your helmet off, does it go...
29:44LAUGHTER
29:49Yes.
29:50Because...
29:52Because in space, no-one can hear you fart.
29:55LAUGHTER
29:57The end of that round, the points go to Ellie, Hugh and Alistair.
30:01APPLAUSE
30:05The next line is called Audience Question Time.
30:07We throw ourselves open to the studio audience
30:09and invite them to ask us questions on any topic.
30:11OK, first of all, is there an Anita here, by any chance?
30:14Hey, how are you?
30:15I'm good.
30:16Anita, tell us, what questions do you have first?
30:18What news headlines might you see next year?
30:23Oh, next year.
30:24Elon Musk grows Hitler moustache, claims lip was cold.
30:27LAUGHTER
30:30Helicopter crash involving my entire family came as complete shock,
30:34says King Andrew.
30:36LAUGHTER
30:38And we're ready to guess.
30:42Donald Trump invades Poundland.
30:46LAUGHTER
30:49The fight with Jake Paul was always a risk,
30:52say, grieving Attenborough family.
30:55Yeah.
30:59Irish comedian jailed.
31:01I told you not to leave him alone with that French exchange, Hugh.
31:05LAUGHTER
31:07Thank you very much, Anita.
31:09Round of applause for Anita, please.
31:10Thank you very much.
31:13Where is Jack?
31:14Where is Jack?
31:15Hey, Jack, how are you? How's yourself?
31:16Where are you from, Jack?
31:17Uh, Kerry, in Ireland.
31:19CHEERING
31:20Thank you for...
31:21Thank you for explaining to me where Kerry is.
31:24LAUGHTER
31:25I know you are.
31:26I know you are.
31:27It's horrifying for the rest of them.
31:29But obviously, I'm going to go,
31:31oh, jeez, I haven't forgotten, you know?
31:32The good people in TLC.
31:34Jack getting a sly dig in there.
31:35Kerry, in Ireland.
31:36Do you remember it?
31:37LAUGHTER
31:39Jack, thank you very much.
31:40Uh, what's your, uh, question, by the way?
31:42Uh, I want to know,
31:43what is your best hack for living healthy?
31:46All right.
31:46You're coming to me for that?
31:48Yeah, yeah.
31:49Everything Jack says is a veiled attack.
31:52Eh...
31:53LAUGHTER
31:53I go, hands so weak,
31:55you struggle to open packets of crisps.
31:59Sometimes I'll just be like,
32:00oh, I'll just have some lettuce.
32:03LAUGHTER
32:03I find opening packets harder and harder.
32:07Hmm.
32:07I don't know if I'm getting old
32:09or packets are getting stronger.
32:11LAUGHTER
32:12They run out of the,
32:13oh, the adhesive they used to use,
32:15make it stronger now, make it...
32:16I know, has everybody...
32:17Is it just me?
32:18Does nobody else find themselves
32:20carrying...
32:20What are you doing?
32:21What are you doing?
32:22Oh!
32:24I think you're not going to have it.
32:24It didn't look like that.
32:26No, it didn't look like that.
32:26It looked like you needed somebody to help you
32:28and you're going to do...
32:29Yeah, yeah, yeah.
32:29You're willing to do anything to get them to do it.
32:31LAUGHTER
32:31Please, please open the back for it.
32:34LAUGHTER
32:34I'm so gracious!
32:35My tongue is strong.
32:38LAUGHTER
32:38LAUGHTER
32:39LAUGHTER
32:42Oh, please, strong French teenager, please.
32:46LAUGHTER
32:49Take us on Sunday when we're going to watch this.
32:52We won't now.
32:54That's really awkward.
32:55Your first time...
32:56Your first time in the room with Jean-Claude.
32:59We're going to watch this Jean-Claude.
33:01This is what I do professionally.
33:02Argh!
33:06Sorry, does anyone have any other answers?
33:09LAUGHTER
33:10I think it's important if you're on a diet
33:12that you give yourself a cheat day.
33:13So on Thursday you can add loads of broccoli
33:15and on Friday you sleep with your husband's brother.
33:18LAUGHTER
33:20Just a pep in his step.
33:21For me, it's just been one very, very simple rule,
33:24which is don't eat cigarettes.
33:27LAUGHTER
33:29Er, Jack, thank you for doing that.
33:33Er...
33:33Semi-investigary, er...
33:35Which, as we know, is in Ireland.
33:37We're going to have a good jack-round applause.
33:39Thank you to all of our audience.
33:43Join us again after the break.
33:51The next line is called Between the Lines,
33:53which is Hugh and Rhys.
33:54Would you make your way to the press pit, please?
33:57Rhys will deliver a speech
33:58in the guise of a leading figure on the world stage,
34:00while Hugh will translate what they really mean.
34:03This week, Rhys is Nigel Farage.
34:06LAUGHTER
34:07LAUGHTER
34:14I shall deport you first.
34:18LAUGHTER
34:21Good evening.
34:22Great to finally get the chance to speak to you.
34:25Who am I kidding?
34:26I'm on TV more than Ramesh.
34:29LAUGHTER
34:30People say I'm out of touch with my working-class base.
34:33Poppycock, you peasants.
34:36LAUGHTER
34:37Some people seem to think I'm just a blustering,
34:40over-privileged, ignorant twat.
34:44LAUGHTER
34:47Yes, I went to private school.
34:49Yes, I used to be a stockbroker.
34:51Yes, I've said some pretty terrible things.
34:54Yeah.
34:55LAUGHTER
34:56I want to go back to the wonderful old traditions
34:59of the English countryside.
35:01Killing foxes, shooting hikers...
35:03..and incest.
35:06LAUGHTER
35:12I'm playing a role.
35:14LAUGHTER
35:17I'm the politician people most want to have a pint with.
35:20Mainly so they can pour it over my head.
35:22LAUGHTER
35:23I am tackling the issues that really matter to ordinary people.
35:28Oat milk is not real milk!
35:31LAUGHTER
35:33People say Brexit was the worst thing to ever happen to this country.
35:37Wait until I become Prime Minister.
35:40LAUGHTER
35:42Nadim Zahawi, Robert Jenrick and Suella Braverman
35:45were the first of an exciting new wave of reform members.
35:49Please welcome Greg Wallace.
35:51LAUGHTER
35:53Prince Andrew.
35:55And Hugh Edwards.
35:59After the local elections, we won't accept any more Tory defections.
36:03Not even I want Priti Patel.
36:06LAUGHTER
36:08APPLAUSE
36:08Well done, Rhys and G. Thank you very much.
36:16Now we come to scenes we'd like to see, so if everyone can make their way over to the performance
36:21area, please.
36:22I'll read out this week's topics and we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
36:25OK, here we go.
36:27The first subject is...
36:29..things you wouldn't hear at an awards show.
36:32..and the winner of least likely to be even capable of having an affair, Ed Bird!
36:38LAUGHTER
36:40APPLAUSE
36:41Thank you so much for this imposter syndrome award, I just really don't think I deserve it.
36:47LAUGHTER
36:49And to accept the award on behalf of Jim Carrey is a slightly odder-looking Jim Carrey.
36:55LAUGHTER
36:57APPLAUSE
36:58And as the Labour Party awards draw to a close, let's remember some of the voters we lost.
37:04LAUGHTER
37:04Very satirical, come on, satirical.
37:07APPLAUSE
37:08And I'd like to thank my wife, without whom none of this would be possible.
37:12Probably a bit more enjoyable.
37:15LAUGHTER
37:18The winner of our first award needs no introduction.
37:23LAUGHTER
37:26Wow, to win most emotionally repressed.
37:29I can't tell you what this means to me.
37:32LAUGHTER
37:36And the winner of Auto-Cue Operator of the Year goes to...
37:41..fuck you, fuck you, it's not me again, fuck you.
37:45LAUGHTER
37:47Oh, my God, thank you so much.
37:49Oh, my God, this is really heavy, isn't it?
37:50Oh, you can really shove this up your arse!
37:52LAUGHTER
37:56Let's hear it for ghosts.
37:59Sorry, and now, the in memoriam.
38:01LAUGHTER
38:06And now it's time to remember those who haven't died this year, but we wish they had.
38:13LAUGHTER
38:17Welcome to the Porn Awards.
38:19Thank you all for coming.
38:21LAUGHTER
38:24I am thrilled to accept this award on behalf of men who don't really know how to hold babies.
38:30LAUGHTER
38:31LAUGHTER
38:33And, finally, I'd like to thank the Student Loans Company, to whom I owe everything.
38:39LAUGHTER
38:41APPLAUSE
38:43So many people to thank, Roman Polanski, Harvey Weinstein, Bill Cosby, Geoffrey Epstein.
38:52Look, big guy, I miss you.
38:54LAUGHTER
38:57And now, at the Where's Wally Awards, we'd like to take a moment to look back at some of the
39:01people we've found this year.
39:03LAUGHTER
39:06And the winner for Worst Paper Cut goes, Jesus fucking Christ!
39:12LAUGHTER
39:13It's almost time for the British Railway Awards.
39:16We're just being held at a red signal.
39:19LAUGHTER
39:20Should be on the move shortly.
39:23APPLAUSE
39:24And the nominees for the FIFA Peace Prize are...
39:30LAUGHTER
39:32Donald Trump.
39:33LAUGHTER
39:33Genghis Khan.
39:36And Thanos from The Avengers.
39:40APPLAUSE
39:42And the award for Tiny Little Man Standing Very Still is...
39:47LAUGHTER
39:50And I'd just like to say, to all my fellow nominees, you can suck the farts from my arse.
39:58LAUGHTER
40:03Sadly, Bonnie Blue couldn't be here this evening, so she sent us this video.
40:07Oh, dear God, dear God.
40:09LAUGHTER
40:11And the winner of the Fortune Teller of the Year Award is on her way to the stage right now.
40:16Gosh, she's good.
40:17LAUGHTER
40:19Before we get on to the National High Street Bank Awards, can I just say to everybody out there that
40:25you can collect your awards online.
40:29LAUGHTER
40:30LAUGHTER
40:33The next topic is...
40:35Lines that kill a romantic mood.
40:38Why don't we move this into the board game room?
40:41LAUGHTER
40:45My penis is like Mock the Week.
40:47No-one looked at it for four years, so it had to be made twice as long.
40:51LAUGHTER
40:51LAUGHTER
40:54I've got a little electrical gadget you may want to use later.
40:58It's a defibrillator.
41:00LAUGHTER
41:05Is that not what you meant when you said drop a log on the fire?
41:10LAUGHTER
41:11LAUGHTER
41:16I wondered if you fancied...
41:20..a hule?
41:26God, sometimes you are just like your father, and that really turns me on.
41:31LAUGHTER
41:33OK, so somewhere in here I have secreted a pork chipolata, and I'll let you know when you're getting what
41:38my...
41:38..this isn't what you meant when you said play hide the sausage.
41:43LAUGHTER
41:47The labia is connected to the clitoris.
41:51LAUGHTER
41:52Sorry, just a song I do to help get my bearings.
41:55LAUGHTER
41:59A lot of women are intimidated by magicians.
42:03LAUGHTER
42:04LAUGHTER
42:07Oh, yeah, baby, oh, yeah. Sorry, one second.
42:10Idea for TV show, Britain's Weirdest Fannies.
42:15LAUGHTER
42:16LAUGHTER
42:24They, um, they didn't have any handcuffs, so...
42:28..I've brought a bike lock.
42:30LAUGHTER
42:31LAUGHTER
42:34We have to be together. We have so much in common.
42:37We even have the same mum.
42:40LAUGHTER
42:44Oh, Dobby's a naughty little house elf.
42:47LAUGHTER
42:47Dobby needs to be punished.
42:50Dobby, sorry, doggy style. Never heard of it.
42:54LAUGHTER
42:59We're wearing the same pants.
43:02LAUGHTER
43:03LAUGHTER
43:06You look different from the picture in your...
43:09..obituary.
43:11LAUGHTER
43:14Could I have your watch? I'm trying to make my wife jealous.
43:18LAUGHTER
43:19LAUGHTER
43:21So, what position are we trying?
43:23Six, seven. Oh, God, you're way too young for me.
43:26LAUGHTER
43:29I can give you eight inches,
43:31so long as you're happy to accept it in four easy-to-manage instalments.
43:35LAUGHTER
43:38I thought you might like some music.
43:41This is the theme to bagpuss.
43:44LAUGHTER
43:45LAUGHTER
43:47You know, you're a really good kisser.
43:50And I could tell. I've kissed over 80,000 men.
43:54LAUGHTER
43:56I'm afraid I've run out of chocolate body paint.
43:58But I've got some Mattesons fish paste.
44:02LAUGHTER
44:03LAUGHTER
44:07Good question.
44:08I favour being tickled gently on the anus with a feather.
44:13LAUGHTER
44:14Oh, a starter from the menu.
44:17LAUGHTER
44:20Oh, bonjour.
44:21I can't get my packet of crisps open.
44:24LAUGHTER
44:28That's the end of that round.
44:30The point is Ed, Rhys and Janine.
44:32CHEERING
44:35That's the end of the show.
44:37This week's winners are...
44:39Alistair Beckett-King, Hugh Dennis and Ellie Taylor.
44:43Commiserations to Janine Haruni, Rhys James and Ed Byrne.
44:47CHEERING
44:49Thank you for watching. I'm Dara Breen. Good night.
44:54MUSIC PLAYS
44:55CHOIR
44:56And all of these things happen to drop the world!
45:01You're gonna believe that everything you see I am.
45:07Read all about it!
45:12The Reach of the World! The Reach of the World!
45:16APPLAUSE
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