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00:01It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV.
00:08But where are those good old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?
00:15Lucky is a family guy. Lucky is a man who wants to give and can do all the things that
00:22make us laugh and cry.
00:24He's a family guy!
00:35Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker, reporting live from the historic Quahog Playhouse,
00:40formerly the Bitcoin Center, formerly the Enron Arena, formerly the Lead-Based Paint Pavilion,
00:45formerly the Chesterton Cigarettes Hall, formerly Captain Jerry's Slave Auctionarium.
00:49Yep, a lot of history here, folks.
00:51But this beloved landmark was about to close until a local woman without a job, who calls herself a community
00:57activist,
00:58decided to mount three plays to try to save it.
01:01Hello, everyone. As many of you know, I'm a community activist.
01:06Tonight, we'll be performing three plays to save this local treasure that none of us supported while it was open.
01:12But we can't let our fear of COVID shudder another business.
01:16Oh, crap! Everybody out! This isn't worth it!
01:19It's not COVID. I have black lung.
01:22Oh, thank God. I thought it was something that could affect the rest of us.
01:25So, without further ado, please enjoy our first play, To Kill a Mockingbird,
01:31a searing portrait of the Jim Crow South that, from Harper Lee to Aaron Sorkin,
01:35no black person has ever been allowed to work on. Not one.
01:40Okay, let's do this. Places, everybody. As they say in the theater.
01:44Breaking L3 vertebrae.
01:46I'm so glad I saved my Colonel Sanders Halloween costume.
01:49And listen, I don't want to make anybody nervous, but I just found out an agent is here, from Allstate.
01:55We play this right, we're all gonna get earthquake coverage.
02:01Ah, the 1930s, when the South was 90% porch.
02:06Mail for Fatica Cinch.
02:08Ah, yes. Thank you.
02:09Boy, I'm really shvitzing in this heat.
02:12Ah, okay. That'll be all, mailman.
02:14Screw you, putz. My pharmacy is sponsoring this play.
02:18Anyone who claps for me gets their OxyContin prescription refilled, no questions asked.
02:26Not you two.
02:28Aw.
02:29The opioid crisis has turned pharmacists into gods.
02:32Dad, some of the kids at school said you're defending a black man accused by a white woman.
02:37That's right, Scout. Everyone in this country is entitled to good legal counsel.
02:41And they also said, one time in court, you sat on your balls and fainted.
02:44Who the hell are these kids? They shouldn't be talking about that.
02:47Now, hey, it's getting late. Where's your brother Jim?
02:50Here I am, Pop.
02:51Oop, everyone's already on their phones.
02:52I'm gonna have a Patti LuPone meltdown if a ringer goes off.
02:57Oh God, I do have to take this.
02:59Patti, hi.
03:00Now I can talk.
03:02Say, Scout, I see you're playing with a new toy.
03:04Yeah, it was Left for Me in a Tree by Pooh Badly.
03:07Ah, Pooh Badly.
03:08A guy obsessed with children and AR-15s.
03:11He seems like someone I want to leave you alone with later in the play.
03:15All right, let's pretend to walk to the next scene.
03:21Fun fact, that's the same tree from The Wizard of Oz that the Munchkin used to hang himself.
03:26What part of that is fun?
03:29Munchkin.
03:32That black man violated me and besmirched my virtue.
03:36Cleveland, how could you?
03:37You're supposed to be on my side.
03:39And my character's name is Tom.
03:41Can't believe I missed a raw bass concert for this.
03:44And I'm his biggest fan.
03:46Hey, yo, Co-Hog, how many does it take to make a thing go right?
03:50Hey, wait, where's Cleveland?
03:52Faticus Inch for the defense, Your Honor.
03:54Now if I may begin.
03:55Hello to the all-white jury, the all-white gallery, and the very rickety segregated balcony.
04:01Are you sure this balcony is safe?
04:03Of course you're safe.
04:04You think a guy like me roots for people to fall and have horrible spinal injuries?
04:09Especially when my murder ball team needs four new players for regionals.
04:12What size jerseys are you guys?
04:14I mean, you're safe, totally safe.
04:16Now, Miss Yule, you said my client assaulted you.
04:19But you have a history of telling falsehoods, do you not?
04:22No, Mr. Inch.
04:23I have always told the truth.
04:25Is that right?
04:26And when you worked at West Elm, did you or did you not tell me that fake leather chairs look
04:30just as good as the real thing?
04:32Well, so what if I did?
04:34You know there's a rumor that John Rockefeller has West Elm chairs.
04:37Objection, Your Honor.
04:38She's trying to sell the jury terrible furniture.
04:40Sustained.
04:41Yes, and now that we've established that, you said my client gave you a black eye with his right hand.
04:46But that's impossible, isn't it?
04:48Because everyone knows that for the last two weeks he's been stuck in a Chinese finger trap.
04:53That's you.
04:55Forgive me, Your Honor.
04:56Me played joke.
04:57It's the 1930s, so I can say that.
04:59I'll allow it.
05:00And isn't it also true that your father has a history of abusing you and also has the strongest right
05:05arm in town?
05:06That's outrageous.
05:07I'm so mad I'm gonna punch my daughter tonight.
05:10I mean, I mean someone else's daughter.
05:12I mean, a son who disappointed me at sports.
05:16Ah, dammit, he saved it.
05:17God, it's so obvious Tom is innocent.
05:19Our society is blinded by prejudice.
05:21Oh, that's so deep. Nice armchair activism.
05:25Are you a mockingbird?
05:26Are you a mockingbird?
05:28That's how you sound, dude.
05:29Leave me alone.
05:29Fat Snoopy says what?
05:30What, you little jerk? How dare you call me that?
05:33Yeah, what are you gonna do? You're not gonna do anything.
05:34Yeah, Mike Tyson, sit back down.
05:37You know, this story is actually pretty good.
05:39Well, I regret banning it.
05:40And that is why I am confident that you will find my client not guilty.
05:45Don't worry, we got this in the bag.
05:47We find the black guy guilty.
05:49Ah, nuts.
05:50So are they gonna kill me now?
05:52Yeah, but it'll be off stage.
05:53This play about racism is about how it affects white people.
05:57Alright, we're done here.
05:58Kids, why don't you walk home together in the dark?
06:01Take Stab Street to Knifey Lane.
06:03And remember, there's no street lights,
06:04cause the rural south still doesn't have electricity in this time period,
06:08which is underratedly shocking.
06:09It was basically North Korea.
06:11What a horrible injustice.
06:13God, this country is racist.
06:15Oh, yeah?
06:15I looked up your Instagram.
06:17You sang Gold Digger at karaoke and you said all the words.
06:20That's it.
06:20I'm gonna kill a mockingbird.
06:23I can't believe our son is in a play.
06:25In a play?
06:26He's in a scene where they said the title.
06:29Alright, Scout and Gem are walking home.
06:31Prepare the nighttime set.
06:35It's the Mac Tonight Moon from the McDonald's ads.
06:39Created to increase dinner business.
06:43I really like that moon.
06:45Hey, crazy idea.
06:47You wanna go to McDonald's after like 5 p.m.?
06:49There you kids are!
06:50I'm mad at your dad, so I'm gonna stab you to get back at him.
06:53And I'm confident that no lunatic will coincidentally show up to stop me,
06:57because that would be very bad writing.
06:59Get away from those kids!
07:00Who badly?
07:01The scary recluse?
07:03That's right.
07:04There was never any reason to be afraid of me.
07:06And to prove it, I'm gonna murder this guy.
07:10Stop!
07:10Stop!
07:11This isn't what we blocked!
07:12Dammit, Chris, you said you took stage combat!
07:15Wow.
07:16Thank you for saving us.
07:17No problem.
07:19So, let's sum up the messages of this award-winning play.
07:22It's good for your daughter to have an older, physically aggressive man follow her around,
07:26and women who accuse men of sexual assault are liars.
07:30I did it!
07:31I killed a mockingbird!
07:32No!
07:33Honey!
07:34Honey!
07:34He's acting!
07:39He's good.
07:48God, did you guys read everyone's bios?
07:51Lois Griffin was the body double for Amy Adams in American Hustle.
07:55Yeah, right.
07:56What a lying hag.
07:57Yeah, look at this.
07:58Glenn Quagmire would like to thank Stella Adler.
08:01He never studied with Stella Adler.
08:03I can still thank her, Brian!
08:04I can still be grateful!
08:06Hey, guys!
08:07Big news!
08:07I just found out a manager is here!
08:09From Panera!
08:10We nailed this, we're all gonna get free bread bowls!
08:13I think we have to stop getting excited about Dad's announcements.
08:17And now for our next play.
08:19In the 1960s, a young playwright named Neil Simon posed a question.
08:24What if Broadway could be more Jewish?
08:26Ladies and gentlemen, The Odd Couple.
08:33What a great day to be the last non-Hispanic man named Oscar.
08:39Hi, Oscar.
08:40Sorry to bother you, but I need a place to stay because my wife just threw me out.
08:44Aw, that's too bad, Felix.
08:46Did she take the Nintendo Switch?
08:47No, I grabbed it.
08:48Come on in!
08:49Oh, good.
08:50I was scared to ask because we're so different.
08:52I mean, two white guys with slightly different standards of neatness sharing the same apartment?
08:57And even though we both have solid careers in an era of famously depressed New York real estate,
09:02it makes sense we should split rent, so that'll be $40.
09:05What?
09:06Yep, three months up front.
09:11All right, let's play some 1960s cigar chewy pulling on suspenders poker.
09:17Oh, no, I just cleaned.
09:19Whoops.
09:20Oh, man, different standards of neatness.
09:23This is definitely a play, movie, and three TV shows worth of comedy.
09:27Mmm, I-I don't know.
09:29Shouldn't the fastidious one be the person who originally has the apartment, not the person coming to stay there?
09:34Who cares if their guest is Nate?
09:36Yeah, don't poke holes in the premise.
09:38I miss Rob Bass for this, and he was touring with Tone Loke.
09:42What's up, Carl?
09:43Now tell me something.
09:44Do you like your Medina not funky and hot?
09:47No!
09:48My favorite part is the pre-song banter.
09:51Well, time to read one of the 18 newspapers we have here in New York.
09:55Ah, one plus of this era is I'll never forget how to spell the word assassinated.
10:00Hey, do you guys think we're cowards for not fighting in Vietnam?
10:03As much as I love killing babies, I'm happy to be right here in New York City.
10:08Plus, if we were over there, who's gonna spit on the soldiers when they get back?
10:12Hang on, guys. I wanna turn on the radio for the ball game so it surprises us later in the
10:17play.
10:17And what else is going on?
10:18Cleveland, I hear you're on trial for sexual assault?
10:21That was the last play.
10:23Speaking of which, are you guys ever gonna get us down?
10:26Uh, we're working on it, Donna.
10:28Well, that's not good enough.
10:29Let me handle this.
10:30As a cop, I've had a lot of experience stonewalling upset women.
10:34I'll just mam her till she stops.
10:36Ma'am?
10:37Don't you mam me.
10:38Ma'am?
10:38Don't you use that cop trick.
10:40Ma'am?
10:40You think I'm going away?
10:41I'm not going away.
10:51Ma'am?
10:52I wanna get down.
10:57Good news.
10:58The Pigeon Sisters are coming over for dinner tonight.
11:01They're almost 23, which means they're desperate to get married.
11:04And like all women of this era, I hear the Pigeon Sisters have pretty prominent nests.
11:09Peter, my dad is in the audience, alright?
11:11Please stay on book.
11:12Also, I'm not sure I'm ready to date again.
11:15Oh.
11:16Is this cause I only have one rubber from the army for the two of us to split?
11:19It's got some miles on it, though, so you might want to use a shoelace to tie it down.
11:23I'm sorry, Glenn.
11:24I don't think this is for me.
11:26Dammit, Peter!
11:27None of this is in the play!
11:29But I'll give dating a shot.
11:31Just let me go to the bathroom and freshen up.
11:34Peter!
11:34Did you go in the prop toilet?
11:36Oh, I thought you said the plop toilet.
11:39Oh, boy.
11:40That's a biggie.
11:41Will Assistant Stage Manager Meg Griffin please come to stage right?
11:45Then bring the grill tongs.
11:47Welcome, ladies.
11:48Now, if you'll excuse me for a moment, it's a New York play and I haven't yelled anything
11:52out my window today.
11:53Taxi!
11:54Hey, keep it down over there!
11:56You keep it down!
11:57Asking neighbors to speak at a lower volume is a hallmark of apartment-based theater.
12:02So, tell us about yourselves.
12:04Well, we were both lobotomized as teenagers for being willful.
12:08Yeah, and I had a fiancé, but he was brutally killed in the war.
12:11And it's out of here!
12:13Home run for Mickey Mantle!
12:14Whoa!
12:15He did it!
12:16That son of a gun!
12:18I'm sorry, ladies.
12:19Please continue.
12:19Uh, Oscar, can we talk privately for a moment?
12:22Sure, just give me a second.
12:23I just gotta use the plop sink.
12:24Damn it, Oscar!
12:25I'm not comfortable doing this.
12:26It's all happening too fast for me.
12:28I miss my wife.
12:29What's wrong with you?
12:30Those chicks are hot!
12:31And they live in our building, so when things go south, we'll still see them every day.
12:35And often for a slow iron gate elevator ride.
12:41Hey, did you guys know that Picasso is still alive?
12:44I was way off on that by like 300 years.
12:47That's one small step for man.
12:49God, this is so boring.
12:50I'm changing the channel.
12:52Ah, here we go.
12:54The dating game.
12:55We're all gonna remember where we were when we saw this.
12:58Hey, put the rubber on the radiator.
13:00Chicks love it when the rubber's hot.
13:02So, Felix, I hear you're a news writer.
13:05Uh, that's right.
13:07And Oscar is a sports writer.
13:09Writers in two totally different departments.
13:12On the same floor, but still.
13:14Uh, listen.
13:15You're very beautiful, but so is the woman who just broke my heart.
13:19So I can't in good conscience...
13:20You know what?
13:21This is a stupid play.
13:22No single guy in New York would ever turn down any kind of sex.
13:25Especially in the 60s.
13:26Come on, girls.
13:27We're going to my room.
13:28There you go, Felix.
13:30Now you're getting the hang of it.
13:31Wait a minute.
13:32That's my wife.
13:33It's our characters having sex, Peter.
13:35Not us.
13:35Now, Glenn, is that a hot rubber?
13:37Yeah.
13:38We women love that.
13:46So you're really kicking me out, huh?
13:48Yeah, get lost, pal.
13:49I already found a better New York roommate.
13:51Well, I'm out.
13:54Boo!
13:55This sucks.
13:56Oh, don't heckle, Kramer.
13:57Well, that guy over there is a...
14:02Ah.
14:03Well, that's fitting, I guess.
14:05Okay, I've got a medium and an XL murder ball jersey.
14:08Who's not feeling anything from the waist down?
14:16All right, and it's time for our final play of the evening, William Shakespeare's Hamlet.
14:22There's something rotten in Denmark.
14:25That's Peter's fault.
14:26The grill tongs just broke it in half.
14:28We're dealing with it.
14:33Good morrow, dear mother.
14:35Thou wanted to seest me on this fine day in Denmark.
14:39And that ball's gone!
14:41Home run number 500 for Mickey Mantle.
14:44Sorry, that was from the last play.
14:45Sorry.
14:46Look, I called you in here because I have bad news.
14:49Your father, the king, is dead.
14:52Well, that's quite tragic, but I see no reason to descend into madness
14:56as long as Al doesn't immediately marry someone he was related to.
15:00So I married his brother, Claudius.
15:03Thou hast what?
15:05Hey there, new stepson.
15:07Sorry I'm late.
15:07I was dealing with some of those jokers from Norway.
15:10Norway's our rival.
15:12Listen, I know things are a little awkward, but remember,
15:14I'm still the same uncle you've always known, except now I'm having sex with your mom.
15:18And Mantle is coming out to tip his cap to the fans!
15:22Sorry, second radio.
15:27Ah, Lady Archers pulling on their bows with their overly developed triceps.
15:32Hi.
15:33There's the rub.
15:35Classy masturbation joke, son.
15:37Dad?
15:37But you died.
15:39That means you're a g-g-g-g-g-ghost!
15:42Yeah, but calm down.
15:43This is Shakespeare, not Scooby Doo.
15:44So what are you doing here?
15:46Well, I came to tell you the truth about my death.
15:48But first, since I'm a ghost...
16:01A lot of being a ghost is helping people craft.
16:04So you said you wanted to tell me the truth about your death?
16:07Oh, right.
16:08Son, my death was no accident.
16:10I was killed by my brother Claudius.
16:13What?
16:13Everyone said your death was your own fault.
16:16That you ate pool chemicals to not get COVID.
16:18Well, yes, I do listen to Sir Joe of Rogan.
16:21But that's not how I died.
16:22Claudius killed me, and I need you to avenge me.
16:25You got it, Dad.
16:26Great.
16:27Also, there's a naked etching of Beowulf under my mattress that I need you to throw away.
16:31Do that part first.
16:32Oh, and I lost some money betting on ice fishing.
16:35So when a guy named Ivar shows up, you gotta give him a hundred gold coins.
16:39A hundred?
16:39I don't even have that many.
16:41Well, you better by the time Ivar comes.
16:43He's 5'7", which is enormous for our time.
16:46Also, before I died, I told your mother I'd clean the castle eaves.
16:49Oh, for God's sake, this is like so many things.
16:52No, it's not, I promise.
16:53Just focus on the important stuff, okay?
16:55So again, it's etching of Beowulf.
16:57That's the biggie.
16:58Gotta get rid of it.
16:58Then pay Ivar, clean the eaves, and time permitting, revenge.
17:04Greetings, fair Hamlet.
17:06It is I, the King's Counselor, Polonius.
17:09Are you okay?
17:10You look like you're going mad.
17:11Yeah, I just got some disturbing news.
17:13Also, I took a lot of fentanyl, but I'm pretty sure it's the news part.
17:17Ah, well, listen, there's supposed to be heavy rains tomorrow, and I heard you're now the castle eaves guy.
17:23Why is everyone asking me to do stuff?
17:27You dick.
17:29This is why we need sword control.
17:31I don't know.
17:32I think the play is pretty clear that my problem is mental health.
17:39Now I'm supposed to give the to be or not to be speech, but I couldn't remember it.
17:43So this is the Kurt Russell speech from Miracle.
17:49Great moments are born from great opportunity.
17:52And that's what you have tonight, boys.
17:53That's what you've earned here tonight.
17:56One game.
17:57If we played them 12 times, they might win 11.
18:00But not this game.
18:02Not this 12th night.
18:04Tonight, we skate with them.
18:06Tonight, we stay with them.
18:08And we shut them down because we can.
18:12Tonight, we few.
18:14We happy few.
18:15We band of stinky American college students are the greatest hockey team in the world.
18:22I'm sick and tired of hearing about what a great hockey team the Soviets have.
18:27Screw them.
18:27This is your time.
18:29Now go out there and take it!
18:32Woo!
18:33Yeah!
18:34USA!
18:35USA!
18:37USA!
18:38USA!
18:39USA!
18:41USA!
18:42USA!
18:43All right, Laertes.
18:44I hear Hamlet is plotting to kill me and also doing lazy movie references.
18:48So I need your help.
18:49Wait.
18:50That's your costume?
18:51They ran out of Shakespeare stuff and I didn't know what to do.
18:54Sorry.
18:55It's been a frustrating day.
18:57I just found out Sir Mix-a-Lot made a surprise appearance.
19:00Who out there likes big butts?
19:02Hey, we're Squagmire.
19:04Sorry, Cleveland.
19:05I'm kind of the leader of that fan club.
19:07Have either of you seen my phone?
19:09I think I lost it when I smushed Lois' kid.
19:11Okay.
19:12It's obvious things are going off the rails, so we're gonna skip ahead to the end.
19:15Uh, Claudius decides to kill Hamlet.
19:18There's a lot of scheming, a girl throws herself in the lake.
19:21Oh, oh, and I find a very disturbing picture of Beowulf and three other guys under my husband's
19:27mattress.
19:28You said it was just Beowulf.
19:30It doesn't matter.
19:30I said to get rid of it.
19:33En garde!
19:38What the hell?
19:39You said you took stage combat.
19:41Yeah, on Zoom.
19:45Well, that was easy.
19:46Say your prayers, Hamlet.
19:48I'm gonna kill you, and then I'm going to the ice rink to watch that great Soviet hockey team.
19:52I am sick and tired of hearing about what a great hockey team the Soviets have!
19:59Audience, do you believe in miracles?
20:04USA!
20:05USA!
20:06Great job, son.
20:07Now let's drag him behind the castle and violate his corpse.
20:11Hamlet.
20:17Let's give it up for the Quahog players.
20:21Woo!
20:25Woo!
20:28Woo!
20:30Woo!
20:30Woo!
20:32Woo!
20:33Woo!
20:34Woo!
20:34We did it, Peter.
20:36We saved the playhouse.
20:37We sure did, Lois.
20:39But the truth is, it wasn't our plays that saved this place.
20:43It was Quahog legalizing Lauren Boebert over the pants handiwork in theaters.
20:48What was once a boring night out became a celebration as men decorated the inside of their pants
20:53and then fell asleep while women got left alone to watch whatever the hell was on stage that they wanted
20:58to see.
20:58Everyone was happy.
21:00Aye, there truly is the rub.
21:21View нашего
21:22Twelve
21:24We've been joined by Hathaway Villa today.
21:26We've been joined by Hathaway说,
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