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Short filmTranscript
00:16Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Tom Davis!
00:45Yes, thank you for being here tonight! Are we good? Have a spit? Oh, baby, yeah. Can I say that
00:53feels good, I'm just going to get this out of the way.
00:55I played a gig at the weekend and it didn't go so well. I played the Hair Awards.
01:03Let me tell you, as a bald man, that's a long four hours.
01:09You know the worst thing of it, at the end of the Hair Awards, the guy organising it come over
01:13to me and he goes,
01:14well done tonight, mate, nice one. Here's a goodie bag. What am I going to do with a goodie bag?
01:20There was volumiser in there! I'm like, that's like giving a goldfish a parachute.
01:27Can I make an omission? Are we friends? Can I tell you a secret? I'm as high as a kite.
01:35Absolutely off my suite. Not in an old-school way, I've not been at the coke. No, I'm on Cocodomole.
01:42The dad's drug. Let me break it down. I was putting my daughter to bed this evening,
01:47which weirdly is the time I usually like a couple of lines of cocaine.
01:52I find the Gruffalo's a better book when you're off your nut.
02:00The mouse took a stroll through the deep dark wood.
02:05Don't cry, Dad. It's the Gruffalo. No-one understands him.
02:11It's a weird thing. I put my daughter to bed.
02:13I don't know how many parents we've got in the room. Make some noise. Parents.
02:17It's a bizarre... I'm still struggling with the whole sleep thing.
02:20For example, when my daughter does go to sleep, when she is sleeping,
02:23I'm in there every five minutes just to make sure she's still breathing.
02:26I don't know if you do this thing, running in, going...
02:31She's all right. She's fine. Just check again. Just check again.
02:35She's fine. She's okay. Actually, just check one more time.
02:38I worry I'm still doing that when she's 21.
02:45Sorry, mate. Just...
02:51Just checking she's...
02:55Didn't know you were staying over.
02:58You're only dropping off a pizza.
03:03We're going through a thing at a moment with her where you put her to bed
03:06and you have to wait now for about seven hours until she actually goes to sleep.
03:11You have to sit in the room until she's into a deep, deep sleep.
03:13And that's the... You sit in a corner.
03:16She's like, just sit over there until I'm asleep.
03:18And you're like, okay. So you sit in the corner.
03:20And then you've got to try, you know, wait two, three hours before you can sneak out.
03:24It's very hard to sneak when you're my size. You're six foot seven.
03:26Everything creaks when I stand. I've got flatulence now. So it's like...
03:38As I'm making my way out of the room, a little head pops up like a sniper and goes,
03:42Where are you going, Dad?
03:45I need you to wait until I'm probably asleep.
03:49It's probably you idiot.
03:52I was in there tonight and I know I've got to be here.
03:55So I think I've got to get out. I've got to sneak out best I can.
03:58So I start sneaking out.
04:00And in my daughter's room, there's a chest of drawers.
04:03I've always got on with this chest of drawers before.
04:04Never ever had a problem with it before. Never once in my life.
04:07As far as I know, me and the chest of drawers were on good terms.
04:10I start coming out of the room and I walk past the chest of drawers.
04:13And as I walk past the chest of drawers, I catch three of my toes.
04:16Smash!
04:17The pain sears through my body.
04:20But I can't scream.
04:22I can't make a sound.
04:23Because if I make a sound, I'm going to wake her and then I won't be able to be here.
04:27So I do the most insane thing, Apollo.
04:30I silently scream.
04:32I go like this.
04:41Like that's a better thing for my daughter to wake up and see her dad in her room just there.
04:45Looking at her going.
04:49And this is where this gets worse.
04:50I start freaking out at the chest of drawers.
04:53Like it's a geezer who's knocked my pint over in her Wetherspoons.
04:55I start going, you prick.
04:57You snidey little prick.
04:59I'm a nice guy.
05:00I start fantasising about what I'm going to do to the chest of drawers tomorrow.
05:04I wave my wife off to work.
05:05My daughter off to nursery.
05:06Then go upstairs into the bedroom.
05:08Walk up and go, you still want to go now?
05:11You still want to make one with me in the cold light of day?
05:14Drag it down to the garage.
05:16I'm not going to beat it up.
05:16Not in my daughter's bedroom.
05:17That would be psychopathic.
05:18Take it to the garage.
05:20Light a cigarette, pour a whiskey like I'm in a Tarantino movie.
05:24Start circling it going, come on then.
05:26Let's have you now.
05:27Pick up a sledgehammer and just start smashing the granny out of it.
05:30You tell all the rest of the stuff to not mess with me in the house.
05:33You tell that French door to close when I push it.
05:36I think I'm carrying a lot of inner rage.
05:38That's what it is.
05:40On the basis, my daughter doesn't respect me.
05:43She's three and a half.
05:44She's got no respect for me at all.
05:45Nothing.
05:46For example, she started school this week, right?
05:48First day of school, she's at the bottom of the stairs.
05:50She's trying to put her little shoes on.
05:51She's got them on the wrong feet.
05:53She's struggling with the laces.
05:54Struggling to do up the Velcro.
05:55And I come over and go, I've got this.
05:57Come here.
05:58I'll do this for you.
05:59Put the shoes on the right feet.
06:00Do the laces.
06:01Do the Velcro.
06:02I go, there we go.
06:02Have a good day.
06:03And she stands up and looks at me up and down.
06:05She goes...
06:07Oh, wow, Dad.
06:10Amazing.
06:12That was pretty amazing.
06:13You've been there for 45 minutes,
06:15making an absolute idiot out of yourself.
06:18We've been going through the Disney phase.
06:19Parents in the room.
06:20Have you done the Disney phase?
06:21Yeah.
06:23We've been going film by film.
06:24We started off with Beauty and the Beast.
06:26Started watching Beauty and the Beast 10, 15, 20 times a day.
06:29We're watching Beauty and the Beast.
06:29And at the end of the day, she'd turn around and go,
06:31Dad, Dad, can we play Beauty and the Beast?
06:34Obviously, that can only go one way.
06:37Feels like the start of therapy in 30 years I've was, doesn't it?
06:41Why have you got such a low opinion of yourself, Grace?
06:43I was like three and me and my Dad would play Beauty and the Beast
06:47and he'd put on a yellow dress and just prance around the room.
06:52Obviously, obviously, she's Beauty and the Beast.
06:55And we'll be playing and she'll be going,
06:56Come here, Beast.
06:57Come here, disgusting Beast.
07:00Come here, dirty Beast.
07:02Vile Beast.
07:02Come here, grubby, disgusting Beast.
07:05I'm like, I don't actually remember Belle being such a prick
07:09in the movie, if I'm honest with you.
07:12Before long, though, Beauty and the Beast becomes tiresome.
07:15It becomes boring.
07:16She starts watching, like, Frozen.
07:18And she's like, Daddy, Daddy, can we play Frozen?
07:20I was like, of course we can.
07:21She's like, I'm going to be Elsa.
07:23I'm like, good for you.
07:24Nice.
07:24Who am I?
07:26Olaf?
07:27Sven?
07:28And she looks at me cold in the eye and she went,
07:30No, Dad.
07:33You're the Beast.
07:39I said,
07:41There's not a Beast in Frozen.
07:43And she went,
07:44You're always...
07:47...the Beast.
07:50Subsequently, I've been the Beast in Toy Story.
07:52I was the Beast in Moana.
07:54I was the Beast in Up.
07:57I've been typecast in my own ass.
08:02Beast!
08:06Bizarrely, that was a moment in my life that I thought,
08:07You know what? I've got to lose a bit of weight.
08:10I joined the gym.
08:11I always think, if you want to find a dickhead, go to the gym.
08:14Favourite bit of kit in the gym that I love,
08:17More than anything in the world, is the good girl, bad girl machine.
08:20Do you know that one?
08:21This one, you sit there and go,
08:22Good girl, bad girl.
08:23Good girl, bad girl.
08:25I like the bit of gym kit you sit at for ages.
08:28Tuba Pringles.
08:28Couple of cans of Fosters.
08:30Good girl, bad girl.
08:31Good girl, bad girl.
08:33I'm in there the other day and this fellow bowls in.
08:36He's in full tennis wights, dressed up.
08:38By the way, has anyone here been to Wimbledon?
08:39Just quickly.
08:40Not the town.
08:42I mean the tennis.
08:43You've been to Wimbledon?
08:45Yes.
08:45You enjoy it?
08:47I enjoy Wimbledon.
08:49I've got to say, I've been to some places in my life
08:50I've never, ever, ever felt as out of place anywhere in my life as Wimbledon.
08:55I felt like an XL bully walking through Crufts.
08:59Bizarre place.
09:00Anyhow, I'm here this guy bowls in.
09:03He's in full tennis wights, perma-tanned,
09:04and he walks up to this big mirror, bowls up slow-like,
09:07looks himself up and down, gives a little sniff and goes...
09:11You're out of place, he's in full tennis wights in my office.
09:15Shock.
09:22You're in full tennis wights.
09:30Looking in for that...
09:30You are in full tennis.
09:38You are in full tennis.
09:40You're in full tennis wights.
09:52I think to myself, this prick is playing shadow tennis, and he's losing.
10:05It's a funny thing, they say to be healthy, to keep yourself healthy, you need two things,
10:09you need to work out, you need to stay fit, which I've got on lock, as you can see.
10:14And you need a good diet, you've got to be on top of the diet.
10:16That is where I fall down, the diet.
10:18I am a greedy piece of shit by nature.
10:21For example, first thing I'll do when I get home tonight,
10:23won't be going to see my gorgeous wife, my Catherine, my girl, my world,
10:27make sure she's okay, or checking in on my daughter.
10:30No, I'll go to my first love, the fridge.
10:34Bowling to the kitchen, stick on a bit of Ed Sheeran in the lights.
10:40Slowly walk up to her, pull her open.
10:46Rest my chin on a shelf, look down and look up and go,
10:50no, who's coming to bed with me tonight?
10:54You ever seen Ham wince?
10:58Got a derrily dunker just making her run for the door.
11:03I'm disgusting when I get going.
11:04For example, the other week, I'm sitting there, I'm sitting watching Traitors.
11:08Anyone who's seen Traitors?
11:09I'm on the sofa, do you watch Traitors?
11:11I like Traitors.
11:12All I wish it had was Danny Doe.
11:13I wish Danny Doe was in every program.
11:15I love Danny.
11:16But you know, like, the moment, every morning when they sit around together at breakfast
11:20and they're all really worried about who's been murdered and who's the traitor,
11:23and they're all so polite, they're going,
11:24who do you think did it?
11:25Who do you think's a traitor?
11:27Who do you think's been murdered?
11:28Who do you think the traitor is?
11:30Oh, I don't want to look at anyone.
11:31I want Danny to come in seven Stellas deep, just come bowling in, going,
11:36are you the traitor?
11:37Are you the traitor?
11:39Are you the traitor?
11:40I'm the traitor.
11:41Right, complete it.
11:42Stick me in gladiators.
11:46I'm sitting there watching Traitors, right?
11:48I iron out a whole sleeve of Jaffa Cakes to myself.
11:52Whole sleeve, just gone.
11:53And it's disgusting.
11:55I get halfway through the sleeve of Jaffa Cakes, think,
11:57that's enough Jaffa Cakes, but I start just wedging them into my mouth,
12:00two by two, just stuffing them in.
12:02I kick the wrapper across the floor, like I'm in an MMA fight.
12:07Go out to my bedroom, pull off my T-shirt, my gut falls over my Calvins.
12:12I just stand there looking in a full length mirror like,
12:15you're disgusting.
12:17That was a disgusting show of greed down there with those Jaffa Cakes.
12:20You just demolished a whole sleeve of Jaffa Cakes to yourself.
12:25Families of four.
12:27Of an evening we'll share a sleeve of Jaffa Cakes.
12:31You just ate them on your own.
12:32You've got to do better.
12:33You're a dad now.
12:34Show some restraint.
12:35I get in the bed.
12:36I lay there for about two or three minutes and think,
12:40that was a two-pack of Jaffa Cakes.
12:44There's another sleeve downstairs.
12:48My biggest show in a greed of late,
12:50my biggest show in a greed was,
12:54was last year I took my wife out for Valentine's Day.
12:58I'm like, we're going out, babe, we're going to go somewhere lovely,
13:00have a right romantic one together.
13:02I mean, I should have probably dressed up a bit differently.
13:04I took her to a burger joint in North London.
13:08She got very dressed up, black dress, handbag, high heels.
13:12I was like, you're going to embarrass yourself in there.
13:14They give you a plastic bib to eat with.
13:17And the front, outside the front of this place,
13:20is a picture of what they say is London's biggest burger.
13:23I turned to my wife, all sexy-like,
13:25and I'm like, I'm going to eat that tonight.
13:29She's like, no, you're not.
13:31And I'm like, why?
13:33Don't you think I can?
13:34She went, no, I know you can,
13:36but it's Valentine's Day,
13:37and that would be disgusting.
13:40I took that as a flirty challenge.
13:44Bowled straight in the gaff, walked up to the waiter,
13:46went, oi, John, get me one of the big burgers, pal.
13:48Get me a big burger.
13:49Burger comes out, and let me tell you, Apollo,
13:51it was beautiful.
13:53Brioche bun, four beef patties,
13:55a little bit of bacon,
13:56some iceberg lettuce, blue cheese.
13:58There was a tomato in there.
13:59I kicked that mug straight out.
14:03Stay away from our burgers, you little prick.
14:06It's a pasta, sausage and salads.
14:08That's as political as I get.
14:12I pick this burger up.
14:14I look at my wife into her beautiful eyes,
14:16I give her a sexy wink.
14:17I open my mouth as wide as I can.
14:19I go, and stuff the burger in there.
14:21And as I close my mouth down, it just stops.
14:25And there's a stick running through the middle of the burger.
14:29I'm like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
14:36My wife at first is like, I told you not to.
14:38It was too big.
14:39I told her, and I'm like, then she starts worrying.
14:45She's like, there's something wrong with my husband.
14:46There's something wrong with my husband.
14:48I think he's having a heart attack.
14:49The whole rest of the restaurant is like,
14:52running over, going, is he okay?
14:53Is he all right?
14:54Everyone's panicking now, is he? Are you okay?
15:02Panemonium, everyone's worried. Everyone.
15:06Finally, one guy steps forward, looks a bit like Bradley Cooper.
15:10I say he looks like Bradley Cooper.
15:12He looks like Bradley Cooper if you're driving really quickly down the road.
15:14You go, you see him, he looked like Bradley Cooper.
15:17You drive around the block, slow down, you go, no, he didn't.
15:20What a waste of both our time.
15:24He comes over and he leans forward and he goes, he's French by the way.
15:29I've seen this before somewhere.
15:32He's gone too big on his first bite.
15:34And he has a shtick caught in his mouth.
15:39Worry and anxiety turns to ridicule and laughter.
15:42Everyone just starts pissing themselves.
15:44Everyone's just laughing, my wife's laughing so much.
15:46She's got her forehead buried into this guy's chest and she's like,
15:50Oh, is that Tom Ford?
15:52One guy finds it so funny, he runs to the door of the restaurant,
15:55boots it open and goes,
15:55You gotta see this!
15:57Some fat wank has got himself harpooned on a burger stick!
16:03People start coming in from out of the restaurant.
16:05People are leaving other restaurants.
16:06People are cancelling Ubers.
16:07All just to get a look at me salad at that.
16:11All the time I'm just worried.
16:13I'm worried this is me for the rest of my life now.
16:15Gracie's wedding day like that coming down the aisle.
16:26Finally my wife and Bradley Cooper stop kissing.
16:31And he leans forward and he says,
16:33Yes, I've seen this somewhere before.
16:35The only thing he can do is pull the burger from the stick and out of his mouth.
16:39Then we break the stick.
16:41I would arguably say, Apollo, the most disgusting, unromantic thing you're ever likely to see on Valentine's Day
16:48is this Wally, pull a burger that's been in his mouth for about 10 minutes,
16:52out of his mouth, watch him break a stick
16:54and then watch him pick the said burger up and go for a second bite.
16:58I'd say that's a Valentine's low right there.
17:07Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your first act?
17:11So I've got mad, got crazy, make some noise for my guy,
17:16Mr. K! K!
17:33Apollo, how are we doing? You well?
17:38Lovely, it's nice seeing you guys.
17:40Give me a cheer if you're over 30.
17:43Love that, my people.
17:44Back pain setting in already, love it.
17:47Give me a cheer if you're in your 20s.
17:50I can't stand you guys.
17:53No, honestly, I've got to that age where I can't stand anything about young people.
17:57I hate you lot.
17:59I do, you know when they're like,
18:00let's leave the world in a better place for future generations.
18:05And you look at them.
18:10They're just like, let the world burn, bruv.
18:12Like, they're going to put it on TikTok anyway.
18:16I can't stand you lot with that look that you all have, just that blank stare.
18:22It's like somewhere along the way you lot forgot that you have to communicate with your face.
18:26You just ask them anything and they're like...
18:30I hate you lot, man, you speak too much.
18:33You do, they talk too much.
18:34They just go on TikTok and tell you about their illnesses without anybody telling you why.
18:38Like, they're just there.
18:41Always talking about their illnesses.
18:43Like, I was on TikTok the other day, this girl was like,
18:45follow me for a day in the life of somebody with IBS.
18:52What is going on, guys?
18:53Like, when was it alright to start telling people you're walking around with a leaky bumhole, right?
19:04When did we okay this, right?
19:06When did we decide as a society this was okay, right?
19:09Like, do you know what happened when you used to suffer from IBS?
19:12You'd sit closest to the toilet and you'd shut up.
19:19I wouldn't tell a single soul I had IBS.
19:21Are you mad I'd hold that shit in?
19:25I wouldn't tell anybody I'm ill.
19:27Like, are you mad?
19:28Like, I would lie at every given opportunity.
19:32Why were you in the toilet?
19:33Cocaine!
19:34Like, damn it, like...
19:36I would rather you thought I was a Class A drug addict
19:40than somebody that could poo myself when I sneeze, right?
19:47Everybody has to have a label these days, right?
19:50Well, you know, everyone's like, oh, I've got anxiety, I've got ADHD,
19:53I'm neurodiverse, I'm...
19:56Do you know where it is?
19:57Somewhere along the line, someone made oppression look cool.
20:01And now everybody wants a piece of it, right?
20:03Like, and I blame X Factor.
20:04Remember back in the day, it used to have all those sob stories?
20:08It did, but you know the sob stories at the beginning when it first started?
20:11It was like real sob stories, innit?
20:13It was like a single mum had beat cancer three times
20:16and she was like, I want to sing Whitney Houston.
20:18You were like, do whatever you like, bruv.
20:19Like, just...
20:21Nowadays, you watch a TV programme about cleaning,
20:23it's a dad there going, yeah, it's really hard to clean,
20:26being a single dad, having a gluten intolerance.
20:28It's like, bruv...
20:36Everyone has to have a label.
20:37What happened to just being a bit weird?
20:40Do you remember that one?
20:41Like, why has he got his coat on indoors?
20:43I don't know, it's a bit weird, innit?
20:52It was...
20:54It was lovely, right?
20:55Why is he faxing pictures of his cock?
20:57I don't know, he likes it!
21:00You made jokes about him and he felt included, nah.
21:05Now you just go, how are the trains, Rick?
21:07And they're like, oh, did you know Rick's on the spectrum
21:09and you're in a HR meeting?
21:10It's like...
21:15It's a tough time, though.
21:16It's a tough world to live in right now, man.
21:18It's a tough world for young people to live in as well.
21:20You've got...
21:21You've got the rise of the far right, as I say.
21:23There's flags going up everywhere.
21:24Like, do you lot think the flags are racist?
21:28I don't know.
21:29Right.
21:30No, I don't know.
21:31It's not putting up the flags that's racist.
21:33It's what you do when you're putting up the flags that are racist.
21:35Cos I associate the flag with Euro 96, innit, right?
21:39That's...
21:40No, I do.
21:41Whenever I see the St George's flag,
21:42I just hear three lines on a shirt, right?
21:44That's...
21:45That's what I hear, right?
21:46That's...
21:47No, it is!
21:47It is, obviously.
21:49Right.
21:51It's not the flag that's the issue.
21:53It's what you do when you're putting up the flag.
21:55If you're shouting, get the hell home,
21:57eh, maybe it's the marketing.
22:01That's your problem, right?
22:03If they started playing Wonderwall and gave out sandwiches,
22:06we'd be like, oh, what a lovely community event, right?
22:12That's why everybody loves a Jamaican flag,
22:14cos when you see a Jamaican flag,
22:15there's always music playing in the background.
22:18Right?
22:18Just out of nowhere, there's, like, some jerk chicken.
22:20They take you on a sensory experience.
22:23Before you know it, you're watching the Olympics going,
22:25and I want Jamaica to do well, yeah.
22:33St George's flag, though, it's a great one for racists, though.
22:36It's a great one.
22:37Easy.
22:37Two lines.
22:41You could be stark drunk, right,
22:44and you could still draw that, right?
22:46Imagine being a Welsh nationalist, like...
22:48Yeah, I know.
22:53Do you know what I mean?
22:56How do you draw a dragon?
22:58Off by heart.
23:00That is a four-man job, at least.
23:04You need four people to carry the tins of paint,
23:06you need an art degree.
23:08And even if you do get the dragon up,
23:10there's going to be people walking by going,
23:11oh, my God, Chinese New Year.
23:14LAUGHTER
23:26Do you know what?
23:26Like, that thing about the flag really makes me laugh, right?
23:29Because they put up the flag everywhere.
23:32They put it up.
23:32I've been up and down the motorway recently, right?
23:34I've been up and down the motorway,
23:35seen the flag everywhere.
23:36And when you ask people these questions,
23:37the ones that put it up,
23:38they're like, oh, yeah, we're putting it up.
23:39So immigrants know where they stand, right?
23:45Like, they're trying to put immigrants off coming here
23:47by putting the flag.
23:48But I don't know about you guys, right?
23:49Listen, if I was risking my life
23:50to come over here on a boat
23:52to travel 21 miles on a dinghy,
23:56if I saw the England flag,
23:57I'd just be happy I made it.
24:03Do you know what I mean?
24:08I'd be there like,
24:09Mahmood, look, we made it!
24:12It's England!
24:14What?
24:15If you really want to stop the boats,
24:17there's a great plan.
24:18Right.
24:19If you really want to stop the boats,
24:21just line Dover with French flags.
24:24Right?
24:33Line the whole place with French flags,
24:35start giving out Eiffel Tower key rings, right?
24:39They'd be like, again?
24:40What the hell?
24:47Confuse the hell out of them.
24:49It will stop the boats in a week.
24:51Right?
24:53It's a terrifying time, man.
24:55It's a terrifying time.
24:56The whole world's in disarray.
24:57You know, people...
24:58People moaning about Donald Trump.
25:00Any Donald Trump fans in here?
25:02Woo!
25:05Two guys over there
25:06forgot they weren't on Facebook.
25:07Ah, yeah.
25:10No, no, I think like the rest of these lot.
25:12Yeah, yeah.
25:14I've not got a massive opinion on Donald Trump, right?
25:17I just do find it funny when people
25:18go, I can't believe he said that.
25:22I'm like, I can.
25:24He's 78.
25:26Let's put a camera in front of your granddad.
25:28Let's see how progressive he is.
25:35I'm going to be a bigot.
25:39I know I'm going to be a bigot.
25:40I've already started planning it, right?
25:43But I'm going to be a bigot to the machines, right?
25:46Yeah, I know.
25:47I'm going to be a bigot to AI.
25:48I can't wait.
25:50I'm already thinking of slurs to call them.
25:52Code monkeys.
25:55Rusties.
25:56Well, no, because...
25:57I hate the robots already, right?
25:59That's why I don't have one of those smart speakers.
26:02It's like bringing an enemy into your own home.
26:05Those things record everything you say, bro.
26:08You think they don't.
26:09One day you're going to be singing along to your favourite rap song and it's going to be like, record
26:12a part where you said the n-word by accident.
26:14And it's like, do you want me to post this?
26:16No, no, no, no, no.
26:20I'm going to be a bigot to it, man.
26:21I can imagine one day in the future I'm going to be playing with my future kids.
26:25Alexa's playing music in the background, right?
26:27I'll be like, shut up, Alexa.
26:30My kids are going to be like, daddy.
26:32Because I'm going to have middle-class children, right?
26:38Daddy, you mustn't say that.
26:41I'm like, why not?
26:43It's got feelings.
26:45No, it doesn't.
26:46It's a machine.
26:47And then I'm there on TikTok doing an apology video.
26:51I apologise to the AI community.
26:54I wasn't aware of your struggle.
26:58I'll do better in future.
27:02It is a tough one, man.
27:03It is a tough one with racism.
27:05We had our own race riots last year as well, right?
27:08Football season ended, you know, there was that month.
27:13What are you going to do, innit?
27:16It was terrifying, right?
27:18Because for the first time in about 25 years, I got racially abused, right?
27:21And that's when I knew racism had gone too far, you know?
27:24It's affecting me now. Stop it.
27:31Everybody could just shut up now, right?
27:33You had your fun, right?
27:34No, I did.
27:35I got racially abused in South London.
27:37Straight up my road, I got racially abused.
27:39And this is when I knew racism had gone too far, right?
27:41I got racially abused by an Irish man.
27:46Do you know how bad racism has to get for the Irish to get involved?
27:49It's like, bro, what happened?
27:51You lot used to be on the signs as well.
27:55We can't use bins in Canary Wharf because of your lot.
28:01No, I'm not.
28:02I love the Irish.
28:05I thought we were on the same team.
28:07This guy was out shouting racist abuse at every black and brown person
28:10that was going by.
28:11He was shouting the N-word and the P-word.
28:13He's like, look at you, you.
28:14Look at you, you.
28:15And then he saw me and he's like, look at you.
28:20What the flip are you?
28:23That could be anything you want me to be, sir.
28:27I watched the racism turn into homophobia really quickly.
28:30It was great.
28:32I was watching those marches with a lot of interest.
28:34I was watching them with a lot of interest, right?
28:35Because you've got to do a bit of self-reflection sometimes.
28:37I was like, why am I not racist, right?
28:42You've got to ask that question sometimes, right?
28:44And like, you know, obvious reasons, but I...
28:48I was like, why am I not marching with these guys?
28:50And I was looking at them, right?
28:51And all of them, they're like shouting,
28:53oh, let's get our country back.
28:54And I was like, get your hairline back first, innit?
29:00No, honestly, like...
29:02Because that's when I realised why I couldn't be raped.
29:04Because they're way too ugly...
29:07..for me to believe them, innit?
29:09If you want to tell me you're better than me,
29:10you better be sexy, innit?
29:11Right?
29:13No, because I don't believe a word ugly people say in general,
29:16right?
29:16Like...
29:17As a rule, I don't believe ugly people, right?
29:19Like, that's why I didn't believe in climate change for years,
29:22right?
29:24I'm serious, right?
29:25Like, they used to get these scientists on TV,
29:27like, at the rate the world is heating up.
29:30Oh, shut up, Specky!
29:33Get back in the lab.
29:36As soon as they got Angelina Jolie to speak about it,
29:38I was like, clean out these yoghurt pots.
29:40This is important.
29:47All I'm saying is, right, like,
29:49they need someone sexy, right?
29:51They need someone sexy to be racist,
29:52and then I'll believe them.
29:54Because if you want to say you're better than me,
29:56you better be beautiful.
29:57Oh, my God, you better be gorgeous, right?
29:59If David Beckham came out tomorrow as racist,
30:02I'm joining in, right?
30:06Honestly, if he's there on Instagram one day like,
30:08well, me and Victoria have been thinking...
30:13It's time to get our country back.
30:16I'll be there like,
30:17Mum, pack your bags, it's time to go.
30:18Let's go.
30:19Ladies and gentlemen, my name's Kay Kerr.
30:21Enjoy the rest of your night. Have a good one. See you later.
30:28Ladies and gentlemen, Kay Kerr!
30:32So, ladies and gentlemen, I'm gonna bring another act on.
30:35Are you ready?
30:37Ladies and gentlemen,
30:39put your hands together!
30:41Go wild!
30:42Go crazy!
30:44For the amazing
30:45Miss
30:46Louis
30:49Ian!
31:07Oh, my God, this is crazy. Thank you so much for having us. This is amazing.
31:11I've done a few gigs down south this week.
31:13Whenever I'm down south, I do have this...
31:15I have this awareness that I have to slow this accent down.
31:18The Geordie accent, it's peculiar on people's ears.
31:22And I realised this, because I met my friend's brother a while ago, right?
31:25My friend's German.
31:27And so's his brother. They're quite weird like that to Germans.
31:31Strange.
31:31And when I met him, though, I thought...
31:33Because I'm quite, like, a friendly, open person,
31:34so I thought I was being, like, you know, nice and friendly and open when I met him.
31:38Then when I left the situation,
31:40me friend's brother had said behind me back,
31:42Your English friend.
31:44She's very nice.
31:45But...
31:46Why does she speak like a pirate?
31:50So I know I've got to slow it down.
31:52And, like, an accent like this kind of, like, betrays a working-classness.
31:55And I'm very aware of that.
31:56I've always been kind of, uh, acutely aware of me working-classness from a young age, right?
32:01And, listen, this is a nice audience.
32:04I'll be vulnerable with yous.
32:06I've always been very aware of me working-classness.
32:10Because...
32:11When I was 12...
32:15I quit smoking.
32:19But genuinely, as well, like, for all the right reasons.
32:22Like...
32:23For the baby.
32:25For...
32:26No.
32:28Don't.
32:29Don't applaud it.
32:30I shouldn't...
32:31I shouldn't perpetuate stereotypes like that.
32:33I haven't got...
32:33I haven't got any kids, right?
32:34And I remember...
32:36Because, seriously, this job has saved my life, right?
32:39I used to be really, really off the rails.
32:41Like, really, really off the rails up until...
32:43About a week ago.
32:46And, uh...
32:47No, but seriously, a few years ago I was going crazy.
32:49And, like, a big turning point in my life, right?
32:51One of my friends, she tried to stop us from going down a dark path.
32:54And she went, Louise!
32:55It was quite brutal, this.
32:56But I know why she was doing it.
32:57She went, Louise!
32:58It's a good job.
32:59You haven't had any kids.
33:01Because if you did, they'd be taken off you.
33:04And I was like, I know!
33:06I'm so sorry.
33:07I'm going to sort my life out.
33:08I'm so, so, so sorry.
33:09I will turn this around.
33:10I will.
33:10That's what I said.
33:12But I can remember, very vividly, at that moment in me head,
33:16thinking, oh, my God, there's a good chance that's actually happened.
33:20And I just can't remember.
33:23It was an intense time.
33:25But I've calmed myself down, like, quite a bit now.
33:28I'm a lot calmer these days, right?
33:29I live with my girlfriend, my fiancée now.
33:33Thank you very much.
33:34Yes, what a bunch of gay lords.
33:38Thanks.
33:39But, like, the thing is, like, it's mad being gay.
33:41It really is, right?
33:42I performed at a lesbian festival recently, right?
33:46And what a rowdy bunch we are.
33:49Like, really uncouth.
33:50Do you know what I mean?
33:51But it was a good festival.
33:52It was really good.
33:53It was a big success as well.
33:55A St John's ambulance ran out of finger splints.
34:03It was wonderful.
34:06What an experience.
34:08No, I don't live in Newcastle any more, right?
34:10I went back to see me family this summer at a family barbecue
34:14and me auntie, me great-auntie, came up to us.
34:17And she meant nothing by this.
34:18She was absolutely lush.
34:20But she come up to us and she went,
34:21Oh, hello, pet.
34:23Are you back, are you?
34:24Oh, I've missed you.
34:26And I've been thinking about you loads at the minute.
34:29With the women's football being on.
34:35I have to have more confidence in myself sometimes.
34:38Like, sometimes where it counts, I don't have confidence, right?
34:41And I realise this.
34:42If I'm on a date and I get into a taxi with my girlfriend,
34:46and if I get the slightest feeling the taxi driver is a little bit homophobic,
34:50right?
34:50And I shouldn't do this, but I do.
34:52I'll say to my girlfriend, listen, don't hold me hand.
34:55Don't put your arm around us.
34:57Don't be affectionate.
34:58Just don't.
35:00Yes.
35:01I know how that sounds.
35:02I know it sounds quite harsh of me.
35:04It sounds quite weird.
35:06It sounds pathetic.
35:07It sounds weak of me.
35:08But, like, I need you to understand, like, from my perspective,
35:13I feel like I almost have to kind of, like, protect...
35:17...me Uber rating.
35:23It's just hard being gay sometimes.
35:26Listen, I've covered the kind of Geordie thing, right?
35:28But I'm actually, I'm technically half Turkish, half Geordie, right?
35:31That's a bit of a weird combination.
35:33The thing is, though, I haven't been to Turkey loads in me life, right?
35:35So I'm technically just, like, culturally very Geordie.
35:39But I've got a couple of Turkish behaviours
35:41that have, like, hung on in the DNA, right?
35:43I love to haggle.
35:44I love to barter for a price.
35:46Like, I'm in a bazaar at all times.
35:48I love it.
35:49But I'm shit at it, right?
35:50Because I'm too British.
35:50I'm too polite.
35:51I don't get stuck in the way you're supposed to get stuck in.
35:54And I realised this, right, on a holiday with my cousin.
35:57I bought something from a stall.
35:59And I was so excited to show her what I'd bought.
36:01And she was stood there.
36:03I'll never forget this.
36:04She was, like, shaking her head, like, really angry at me.
36:07And she went, you know what's happened there, don't you?
36:10And I was like, what?
36:11These were her words.
36:13She went, underneath, they've seen your English money
36:16and they've taken you for a ride.
36:19I remember feeling so...
36:21I felt mortified.
36:23I felt so culturally stupid, so foolish.
36:25Because we're in this little place called, erm...
36:28It's not Abu Dhabi.
36:29And I always go to call it Abu Dhabi.
36:31It's Abu...
36:33Don't say I've forgotten the name tonight of all night.
36:37Guys, I'm not kidding.
36:40Oh, God.
36:41No, don't help us.
36:42Sorry.
36:43Aberdeen.
36:46Got yous.
36:48I bloody got yous.
36:49You thought that Geordie had fucked up there, didn't you?
36:52That was great.
36:54Whatever you are in life, right, you're going to have stereotypes thrown at you, aren't you?
36:57And I've realised, right, and I don't care, but the stereotype that I often get if I say I'm Turkish,
37:03right?
37:03And I don't care.
37:04I don't care what people say, right?
37:05But this is often what I've got to feel.
37:06So I say I'm Turkish and someone will go,
37:10You've got to watch Turkish men.
37:12Oh, you've got to watch Turkish men.
37:14My cousin, she went to Turkey.
37:16She's got blonde hair, blue eyes.
37:19They wouldn't leave her alone.
37:20Right?
37:21And whatever.
37:22It doesn't usually bother us, right?
37:23It doesn't, but it did upset us a few months ago
37:26because it was like, it was round like a dinner table.
37:29And I felt very trapped.
37:30And everyone was kind of laughing and it felt horrible.
37:33And my girlfriend was sat next to us
37:35and my girlfriend's got blonde hair, blue eyes.
37:38And I was quite startled.
37:40And I had to say something and I was like,
37:42Oh my God.
37:44I'm just like the rest of them.
37:46This...
37:48This is terrible.
37:50I do feel as though I'm trying to sort myself out and everything.
37:53I'm getting to that age where a lot of people around us are having kids and stuff.
37:56And stuff like that.
37:57You might know people like this, right?
37:58My best friend's become a mother.
38:00And I'm so proud of her.
38:02She's so good at it.
38:02She's just taken to motherhood like so well.
38:05And she was a worse party girl than me.
38:07So I'm even more proud of her.
38:09Right?
38:09And she was saying...
38:11And not everyone's going to feel like this.
38:12But she was like,
38:13Louise, there's no feeling like being a parent.
38:16This is amazing.
38:17Waking up and seeing me baby.
38:19I love it.
38:20It's better than any drink.
38:22Any drug.
38:23Any line.
38:25Any pill.
38:27I thought, Oh my God.
38:29Even if you don't agree with that, just think about that on a chemical level.
38:33If that's how amazing parenting can just naturally feel to some people.
38:41Imagine how good parenting must feel on drugs.
38:46So I'm looking forward to that.
38:49That would be great.
38:50Give me a chair if you've been in Newcastle upon time before.
38:55Most of you.
38:56Give me a chair if you've not been.
38:58That was the same people cheering twice there for something to do.
39:01Wasn't it?
39:02I think Newcastle is quite a risky place to live.
39:06Right?
39:06If you are susceptible to madness.
39:08Because it's such a party city.
39:10Right?
39:10And so there's a TV moment that happened in Newcastle upon time where I'm from.
39:16And it sums up the place so beautifully.
39:19So just let me paint this picture for you.
39:20Because it's one of my favourite TV moments of all time.
39:23Right?
39:23And so the clip is on a documentary called Booze Britain.
39:28You know where I'm going with this.
39:30You're not stupid.
39:30So it's obviously a documentary about how people in the UK drink too much.
39:34It was on about 15 years ago.
39:36And they're going around Newcastle for one of the episodes.
39:39Right?
39:39And they get talking on the street.
39:42It's like a fly on the wall type thing.
39:44And they get talking on the street to this woman called Debbie.
39:46Okay?
39:47And they're like, Debbie, are you having a good night out?
39:50And as you can imagine, Debbie, I'm having a fucking wicked night out.
39:56She's off her tits, bless her heart.
39:57Right?
39:58And so what they do on the documentary is they make Debbie do a breathalyser.
40:02Right?
40:03I know.
40:04It was very unethical.
40:05It was 10 years ago, 15 years ago, before anyone cared about anyone's feelings.
40:09Right?
40:09So they make Debbie do a breathalyser.
40:12They take a reading and then they show the camera.
40:16Right?
40:16And on the next scene of this documentary, you see Debbie, she's dancing around on the table.
40:22She's trying to rip her top off.
40:23She's going insane.
40:24She's having a genuinely wonderful night out.
40:26She's letting go.
40:27Right?
40:28But at that precise moment, the voiceover on the documentary just goes,
40:35Debbie may be feeling in the party spirit, but medically, she has enough alcohol in her bloodstream
40:43to be in a potentially fatal coma.
40:47Well, welcome to my home.
40:50Because screw the coma, Debbie did the Macarena.
40:53It was wonderful.
40:55You know, a lot of it, right?
40:56I was thinking about this.
40:58A lot of comedians will harm up how crazy they are, like, for comedic effect.
41:03I don't want you to think that I would ever do that, right?
41:05And I've got kind of proof of how insane I used to be, right?
41:09So I was doing a comedy club in the North East and Gaza, Paul Gascoigne, was in the audience.
41:14Do we all know who Gazzer is?
41:18If anyone doesn't know, very, very quickly, right, he was a footballer in the 90s,
41:24issues with drinking drugs, really mad life, once tried to save an assassin with a fishing rod.
41:30That is true, right?
41:31So he's in the audience, right?
41:33And I was quite a new comedian, so I was doing a lot of jokes about going off the rails
41:37and how mental I was.
41:39This is how I know my life must have been objectively ridiculous.
41:42When I got off stage, Gaza, Paul Gascoigne, ran up to us.
41:48This is true.
41:49He gave us a massive big hug and he went,
41:51Oh, Louise, it's like we've had the same life.
42:00That's when you know your life's been friggin' shambolic.
42:04When Gaza is relating to it on a seriously deep level.
42:08It's like we've had the same life, me and you.
42:10But he's not wrong.
42:10I'm not taking the piss, like I said, you know, when I played for England.
42:17That was great.
42:17Oh, no, but when he became a Turkish lesbian, that was outrageous.
42:21When he did that, wasn't it?
42:23I'm going to leave you with this.
42:24This last joke, it's a philosophical joke.
42:27It's more for you to kind of ponder on the way home this evening, right?
42:31Just let this marinade in your heads.
42:33So this blew my mind, this.
42:35So statistically, some taxi drivers will be serial killers.
42:40So have a lovely evening.
42:42And...
42:43Right, I've been Louisian.
42:44You've been wonderful.
42:45Thanks for having us.
42:46Good night.
42:46Cheers.
42:48Yes, yes, yes, ladies and gentlemen.
42:52Louisian!
42:54Apollo, thank you so, so much for coming out tonight.
42:58It's been an incredible lineup.
43:00Much of nice for Louisian!
43:02The character!
43:05Our bigger host, Tom Davis, Apollo, out!
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