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00:00Welcome, on stage, Mr. G. Kerr!
00:07Yeah.
00:08Sure.
00:09Thank you very much.
00:10Yeah.
00:11Sure.
00:11Oh, nothing.
00:13We'll be doing this, OK.
00:14So, Go Wild and Crazy 4, Rob Beckett, John Richardson,
00:17Miles Jupp, Judy Love, Roisin and Kiara,
00:20Susie Dent and Rachel Riley.
00:34Hello, everyone.
00:37He's tiny in real life, isn't he?
00:40Alright, let's roll the titles.
01:15Hello and welcome to edit of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
01:19a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
01:21OK, let's meet tonight's teams.
01:23First up, it's team captain, John Richardson.
01:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:32John Richardson, he's the thinking woman's crumpet
01:34and that woman is thinking,
01:36I'm not sure I like crumpets.
01:40And John's teammates, Judy Love.
01:46Judy is a regular panellist on Loose Women
01:48and it's wrong to say that Loose Women is just a load of ladies
01:50sitting around drinking Prosecco before noon.
01:52I happen to know a lot of that chat is fuelled by vodka.
01:55LAUGHTER
01:57My poor girls.
01:58Everyone's always coming for my girls.
01:59Girls.
02:00Your girls.
02:01Girls, combined age of 258.
02:06Up against them this evening, it's team captain Rob Beckett.
02:14Rob said on his podcast that he paid good money to see me naked.
02:18I find that weird.
02:19What would be so interesting about seeing my penises?
02:22LAUGHTER
02:22I think you're like a Ken.
02:24He'd pull down his pants and it's just flat.
02:27LAUGHTER
02:30Yeah, I think it would be if you did it.
02:35LAUGHTER
02:38APPLAUSE
02:42You did say you wanted to see me naked on the podcast.
02:45Yeah, I do want to see you naked.
02:45I'm intrigued.
02:46Why?
02:47Because you don't really present as a real person.
02:52You should do this.
02:54No time like the present, Jimmy.
02:56Jimmy.
02:57Jimmy.
02:58Jimmy.
02:58Jimmy.
02:59Oh, no, if you were all...
03:01Jimmy.
03:02Oh, if you were all out for this, I'd just get my cock out then.
03:05Yeah, sure.
03:06LAUGHTER
03:06I think it would be too much.
03:07I'd still...
03:08I don't think it'd be too much.
03:09Mate, what?
03:10I think it would be some.
03:13And joining Rob tonight's Myles Jug.
03:14Good luck.
03:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
03:20Miles has five children, which must be exhausting for his staff.
03:25LAUGHTER
03:26In fairness, they work bloody hard.
03:29LAUGHTER
03:29For, may I say, a pittance.
03:32LAUGHTER
03:33Talk us through a day in the life of Myles Jug.
03:35Uh, gosh.
03:36Well, I like to get up early, be first down to the kitchen.
03:39Uh, fix myself a quick, um, roast beef with all the trimmings.
03:43LAUGHTER
03:44Then it's breakfast, where I'm joined by the others.
03:48A quick snack before the school run.
03:50Usually a roast beef with all the trimmings.
03:52LAUGHTER
03:52Then it's Eleventies.
03:54Um...
03:55Yeah, perhaps a little walk around the garden.
03:57Uh, maybe going to town, do some shopping.
03:58Butchers, veg shop.
04:00Um, come home, quick roast beef with all the trimmings.
04:03LAUGHTER
04:03To set me up for lunch.
04:05Then I watch Loose Women.
04:07LAUGHTER
04:07I save the gravy for then.
04:09And then that's, er...
04:11Wow.
04:12Wow.
04:12That was clearly filthy.
04:14I wasn't expecting that.
04:16Erm...
04:17And that is how you maintain your girlish figure.
04:20That's right, yeah.
04:21My pre-Raphaelite curves, yeah.
04:24LAUGHTER
04:25John, if you could switch lives with anyone on the panel,
04:28for a day, who would you pick?
04:29God, I'd take any of you.
04:32LAUGHTER
04:37Genuinely, I'd have you for a day, I would ruin that body you paid so much for.
04:41LAUGHTER
04:42I'd wake up and tear hair out for an hour or two.
04:45LAUGHTER
04:46It's all replaceable.
04:48LAUGHTER
04:49I'd like to be Rachel, cos I'd like to sleep with one of the dancers off Strictly,
04:53but I don't have to go on the show.
04:55LAUGHTER
04:56Ideally, I'd like to have a night with Pasha.
05:00Erm...
05:00LAUGHTER
05:01Well, that's a lovely thought.
05:04I'm happy, Jimmy, I like my life.
05:07Coming across?
05:09No, she skipped me.
05:10I'd love to be you, Judy.
05:11Oh, OK.
05:12Just to know what it's...
05:14How quickly the gap eradicates between the thought and the speech.
05:20LAUGHTER
05:25Judy, you...
05:25Do you get annoyed quite easily?
05:27What sets you off?
05:28You know what it is?
05:29When people try to pay backhand compliments.
05:33Like, when people go, oh, how are you so confident?
05:35I'm like, what, because I've got a food bar
05:36and I haven't seen my fanny for years?
05:37Like, they find it really...
05:40Because you've got to a lot?
05:42You can only say it to big girls.
05:43Because you've got to a lot?
05:45A food bar, a food bar.
05:46It's like a little fold.
05:48Oh.
05:48It's a little fold.
05:50Yeah.
05:50Yeah, them backhand compliments get on my flippin' nerves.
05:54Rob, if you hadn't had a career as a successful stand-up comedian,
05:57what do you think you would have done?
05:59Er...
05:59Had a career as an unsuccessful one?
06:02LAUGHTER
06:03Don't have a dig at John.
06:05LAUGHTER
06:06LAUGHTER
06:07OK.
06:08Miles, have you got a mascot?
06:10I have, actually, yes.
06:11So, I was sent a book to have a look at, and not what I was expecting.
06:15I was told it was a...
06:16For the author, it was a real passion project.
06:19Anyway, here it is, this book.
06:20It's called Jimmy Carr's Bumper Book of Facts About Eggs.
06:25Oh, yes.
06:26You must...
06:27Your agent sent it to me very kindly, and really, just about another set of eyes.
06:31Give a bit of feedback.
06:33I'll put most of it in an email, but a few thoughts did come up.
06:37I've tried to approach it with an open mind.
06:39Chapter one.
06:39Every day, I have nine soft-boiled eggs for my breakfast.
06:43They always go straight through me.
06:46LAUGHTER
06:46But it means I get another chance to see my golden toilet.
06:50LAUGHTER
06:51I'm only joking.
06:53I always relieve myself directly into the cupped hands of a waiting servant.
06:57LAUGHTER
06:57I mean, it's unflinchingly honest, Jimmy.
07:00LAUGHTER
07:01Benefit of the doubt, let's look at the others.
07:03Er...
07:03Oh, here we go.
07:03I don't know if you were sort of hurrying to get towards the end,
07:06or perhaps you'd lost interest or confidence.
07:08Er...
07:08Some animals that you may be surprised to hear actually hatch from eggs.
07:11So this is...
07:12Strange chapter.
07:14Erm...
07:15Chickens.
07:16I will put more in the email, but that's not a surprise, Jimmy.
07:20Erm...
07:20Cows.
07:21I just don't think it's right.
07:23Erm...
07:23Minor royals, it says here.
07:26Erm...
07:27Place names with the word egg inside them.
07:29Er...
07:30You've written Winnipeg.
07:32That's it.
07:33It's only got one G for a start.
07:34LAUGHTER
07:34And then it says,
07:35The rest of this page has been left blank for you to fill in your own ideas.
07:39LAUGHTER
07:39You've lost 25 quid, Jimmy.
07:41That is...
07:41That's absolutely shameful.
07:43But look, fair play to you for sticking your head above the parapet.
07:45Best of luck with the book.
07:46Well done.
07:48APPLAUSE
07:48Miles Young, everyone.
07:51Er, John, have you got a mascot?
07:53Yes.
07:54I don't mind the jokes about me being little and having a small penis
07:57and going bald, all that stuff.
08:00Did anyone...
08:00Did anyone mention a small penis?
08:02LAUGHTER
08:03I feel like no-one mentioned a small penis.
08:05I just...
08:06I've had enough.
08:06I'm going to...
08:07I'm just going to do something different tonight so that you can't hurt me.
08:10So...
08:11OK.
08:11I'm just...
08:12I give less of a shit.
08:13So...
08:13What was that?
08:15Erm...
08:15That's a bad start to giving less of a shit.
08:17Oh, I've dropped something.
08:19LAUGHTER
08:21I start by sitting backwards on my chair.
08:23Oh, wow.
08:24That's what bad boys do, innit?
08:26Yeah?
08:27Yeah.
08:28Yeah.
08:28What do you think of that?
08:29It's going to be, like, bad tonight.
08:31It's going to be like a naughty boy.
08:33Erm...
08:33A naughty boy?
08:34Start by popping a leather jacket on.
08:40Over the cardigan?
08:41Over the cardigan.
08:43Over the cardigan.
08:45All right.
08:47You like that?
08:48You like that?
08:49Ooh.
08:50Yeah, you're quiet now, aren't you, Jimmy?
08:53Scared all of a sudden.
08:55Erm...
08:56That's in case you're thinking of picking on me.
08:58Woo!
08:59Yeah.
09:01We're working out.
09:02Get these guns pumped.
09:04You know that?
09:05Oh, God!
09:06Yeah.
09:06Oh, indeed, Judy.
09:08Wow!
09:09Yeah, pop them there.
09:09Where did we find weights that small?
09:12Oh, wow.
09:14You...
09:14Why?
09:15Well, you see?
09:16How would you check me out, then, in this kind of...?
09:18One brother, mate, let you come to me, innit?
09:19Oh!
09:22See anything you like?
09:24Not really.
09:27Smoking's cool, innit?
09:33These chairs are wider than I anticipated.
09:40It's got a rubber tip on it.
09:42Someone's glued it.
09:43It's still got a rubber...
09:44It's still got a rubber tip on the top, yeah.
09:50Take it first, John.
09:51Yeah.
09:54Have another crack, yeah.
09:55Here we go.
10:00What flavour's that?
10:02Er...
10:02Pussy and beer.
10:05Slightly more likely to be Dandelion and Burdock.
10:09Thank you, Judy.
10:10It's good.
10:12Whoop!
10:13And he's over.
10:14And I need...
10:15Oh, wow.
10:22What I really like is that John carried all that stuff in a pink bag with strawberries on it.
10:27Where's the bag? Can we see the bag?
10:29Oh, no.
10:36Whatever.
10:39Rob, have you got...
10:40Have you got a mascot?
10:41Yes, so I do have a mascot, actually.
10:43A little hobby of mine, someone I'm quite proud of, is I've got a cactus collection.
10:47And I don't know if you know this, because I've got quite green-fingered.
10:52Erm...
10:52You can actually train a cactus into different shapes.
10:56Ooh, fascinating.
10:57Are you into gardening and stuff?
10:58Oh, very much so.
10:59Really? What have you got?
11:00What have I got?
11:00Yeah, what kind of flowers and stuff?
11:02What kind of plants?
11:03Well, in which meadow?
11:07Right, here we go.
11:08So we've got a few bits of bobs here.
11:09So I've got this one.
11:10This is the first one I did, because it's sort of quite tricky.
11:12So you want to sort of, like, start small, work your way up.
11:15But I've done this one.
11:17Double.
11:19Do you hear that?
11:20So, erm, what do you think, Miles?
11:22Very, very tempting, yeah.
11:24They're lovely, aren't they?
11:25Yeah, so that's...
11:26I did that one first.
11:28Erm, and then this one, it's the second one I worked on.
11:31Which is, erm...
11:36Erm...
11:36What do you think?
11:37That, that, that is...
11:39Yeah, I mean, it's really terrific.
11:41It's really twitching.
11:42No, it's...
11:43It's absolutely...
11:43It's absolutely terrific, this, actually.
11:45This would adorn...
11:46Well, any tabletop, really.
11:47Yeah.
11:48Or bottom.
11:49Or...
11:49Yes.
11:52Rob Beckett's Green Fingers, everyone.
11:53What a mess.
11:55Erm, over in Dictionary Corner, it's, erm, Roisin and Kiara.
12:04It's your first time on the show, we're thrilled to have you here.
12:06Could you tell us a little bit about your act?
12:08Hmm.
12:08Oh.
12:09Well, yes, sometimes it can be quite, er, sort of...
12:18And then other times it can be more, sort of, earthy, you know, grounded in the pelvis, a bit more
12:23sort of...
12:23Ha!
12:25Rumpf!
12:25Ha-rumpf!
12:26Ha-rumpf!
12:26Ha-rumpf!
12:28Ha-rumpf!
12:29Ha-rumpf!
12:29Ha-rumpf!
12:29Ha-rumpf!
12:30You've been working together as a cult duo for the last decade.
12:33Everything we do, we do in perfect harmony.
12:37Let's get ready to rumble!
12:39Ha-rumpf!
12:42Ha-rumpf!
12:43Ha-rumpf!
12:44Ha-rumpf!
12:45Ha-rumpf!
12:45Ha-rumpf!
12:45Ha-rumpf!
12:46Roisin and Kiara, everyone.
12:48APPLAUSE
12:50And with them, of course, it's, er, it's our lovely Susie Dent.
12:53APPLAUSE
12:57Susie Dent is an inspiration.
12:59She's shown little girls up and down the country that, yes, women can be just as boring as men.
13:04LAUGHTER
13:05Susie, what have you been working on lately?
13:07Actually, I have been working on a series with Phil Wang for Radio 4.
13:12Actually, for a long time, Jimmy, I thought your name was Wang,
13:16cos Wang Ka is what loads of people call you backstage.
13:19LAUGHTER
13:21APPLAUSE
13:25Nice.
13:26But Miles has been on it.
13:27He was fab.
13:28Yeah, they're very kind.
13:29Yeah, you were.
13:30OK.
13:32LAUGHTER
13:32What's the podcast about?
13:34It's called Unspeakable, and we get people like Giles to come on,
13:37and come up with words.
13:39Giles, Giles.
13:39She means Giles Grandreth.
13:40What did I call you?
13:41You called me Giles.
13:42Giles Mup!
13:43Yes, essentially.
13:44I'm so sorry.
13:45Yeah, she's not very good with words.
13:47LAUGHTER
13:48He very gratefully came on the show.
13:50He came on the show.
13:51Very memorable guy.
13:53LAUGHTER
13:54OK.
13:55In charge of the numbers is Rachel Riley.
13:58APPLAUSE
14:01Yes, Rachel is here, which tells us one thing,
14:03the search for her replacement is taking longer than we thought.
14:06LAUGHTER
14:06Rachel, who's the most interesting person you've ever met?
14:09I've met a lot of cool people.
14:10I've met the king.
14:11I've met David Beckham.
14:13Mmm.
14:13And also met a guy that can fart on demand in time to pop songs.
14:18Yeah, roll back it.
14:19LAUGHTER
14:20Only up to 1999, though.
14:23As soon as drum and bass came in, I gave up.
14:26LAUGHTER
14:26OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this.
14:29The Countdown Dogbed.
14:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
14:45OK, everyone, that's Countdown.
14:47Time for our first game.
14:48Rob, Miles, you get the first pick of the letters.
14:50Giles, after you.
14:52LAUGHTER
14:54I'll have a consonant, please.
14:56Thank you, Giles.
14:57M.
14:58Could that also be a G?
15:02LAUGHTER
15:03That is very good.
15:06That is very good.
15:08APPLAUSE
15:10I'll have another consonant.
15:12Is that the way this works?
15:12Would you like three of each?
15:14Yeah, you'd like three of each.
15:14Three of each until Rachel looks worried for us.
15:17OK, yeah, another consonant, please.
15:18I'll have a lead.
15:19P.
15:20And then can I have the A on the top of the vowel pile?
15:23Look at that.
15:23A, yeah.
15:25LAUGHTER
15:26OK.
15:27Can I have another vowel, please?
15:29E.
15:30Another vowel.
15:31O.
15:32You choose some.
15:34You're a captain.
15:34OK, cool.
15:35Consonant, please.
15:36T.
15:38Another vowel.
15:41I.
15:41And then consonant, please.
15:42And the last one, L.
15:43And for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
15:49Oh, is that one?
15:51Fabio.
15:54Thanks.
15:57Fucking three.
16:04You all right?
16:05Just don't look at Caesar, you know?
16:09I'm worried about him falling to sleep.
16:10He's already had his nap.
16:11OK, we're probably at the end of the year.
16:23OK, we'll be right back.
16:27...no...
16:27LAUGHTER
16:27LAUGHTER
16:27LAUGHTER
16:28LAUGHTER
16:28HE LESTS
16:28Come on!
16:29APPLAUSE
16:30APPLAUSE
16:33Why do you get so cute?
16:35Rob, how many?
16:36Five. Giles?
16:39I've got seven.
16:42Seven. Impressive.
16:43John, how many?
16:44Would I risk a nine, Susie? No.
16:46No, I wouldn't then.
16:49Susie haven't got it.
16:50It's not in there, is it? I'll stick with a seven as well.
16:52Judy? Five.
16:54OK, what's your five? Plate.
16:56Rob, your five? Petal.
16:59Petal.
17:00Oh, I've got a terrible fucking colic.
17:04Miles, your seven?
17:06I've got two sevens, actually.
17:08They are climate
17:10and polemic.
17:12Wow. Very good.
17:13Private and polemic.
17:15So what's this nine?
17:18That was good, wasn't it, Susie?
17:20That was amazing, of Miles.
17:22Maybe write down his name.
17:24And what was your nine, John,
17:26that you went for?
17:27Well, compile is a seven.
17:29And then I wondered if you can have compilate
17:31as you can have a compilation of something.
17:33Yeah, no, you can't compilate.
17:35Oh, that's a shame. Seven for us, Jim.
17:38Seven points for both teams.
17:41APPLAUSE
17:43I might...
17:45I might go for my nap.
17:47That's such a weird...
17:48Hang on.
17:50It was me the whole time.
17:53Hang on, I might take my bonnet off.
17:55Roisin and Kiara, could they have done any better?
17:58Yes.
18:00Poetical.
18:01Ooh, let's have that again.
18:03Very breathy.
18:04Poetical.
18:06OK, so at the end of that, it's a draw.
18:08Everyone's got seven points.
18:10APPLAUSE
18:10Well done.
18:13OK, on to our first numbers round.
18:15John, Judy, you get to pick the numbers.
18:17Do you want to pick Judy, or will you just ruin it?
18:21Um...
18:21No.
18:22Three little ones.
18:23All right.
18:24OK.
18:24Nine, two, six, and then the big one.
18:2675, 50, and 100.
18:29And the target, 3, 5, 9.
18:32There it is.
18:32OK.
18:33And your time starts now.
18:35Come on, John.
18:35Come on, John.
18:36Come on.
19:05MUSIC
19:05Your target was 359. Judy Love, did you get it?
19:08Hold on. I got 342.
19:10Well, that is worth no points.
19:12I know, but...
19:14Give me some credit for how... Sorry, just speak.
19:17I know, but give me some credit.
19:18I can't expect you to not eat while we've recorded TV.
19:23342. Miles, did you get it?
19:25I got 357.
19:27OK. Rob?
19:28I did.
19:29What?
19:30I think I did.
19:31OK. John, did you get it?
19:33I got 358.
19:34Right.
19:34Rob, it's all on you.
19:35Six times 75.
19:37450.
19:39Minus 100.
19:40350.
19:41Plus the nine.
19:4210 points. Well done.
19:43Yes!
19:43Well done, mate.
19:44Yes!
19:46Finally!
19:48Very good.
19:49Can we just say I've got 342? Can we talk about that?
19:52No!
19:52We've done that, we've talked about that.
19:54No!
19:55We're all decided as a group it was irrelevant.
19:57Not years...
19:59So Rob and Miles have 17.
20:01John and Judy have seven.
20:03APPLAUSE
20:05Time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
20:07Roisin and Kiara.
20:08What have you got for us?
20:09Wow.
20:10Got a pretty good vibe.
20:11Yeah.
20:11You all right, Kiara?
20:13Yeah, I'm fine.
20:14You seem a little bit sort of subdued or...?
20:16No, I'm fine.
20:17I'm fine.
20:17All right, is it Jimmy?
20:19I just...
20:19I can't read him.
20:20I don't know what he's thinking.
20:21Yeah!
20:22Maybe it was earlier when you tried to sort of hug him.
20:24From behind?
20:25Yeah.
20:25Yeah, no, he didn't like that.
20:27Sorry, I think that's on Jimmy though, because like that is your like native Mediterranean
20:31war.
20:31Yes!
20:32Yeah!
20:32Because she's Italian.
20:36So I think we'd imagine she's someone sort of incredibly in touch with her sensuality.
20:40In fact, I'm a very sensual woman.
20:44Unusually connected with their femininity.
20:47Like Monica Bellucci.
20:49Actually, she is incredibly repressed.
20:52That's right.
20:53Because I'm also half English, so that explains that.
20:55And Roisin...
20:56Roisin, on the other hand, is Irish.
20:59Yeah.
21:00Catholic.
21:02That's right.
21:04But the wonderful thing about Roisin is that she's actually incredibly playful and
21:10loose and just a tiny bit slutty.
21:12What?
21:13Sorry, that is absolute like slander.
21:15Not at all.
21:16I'm not like that.
21:17It makes total sense, because she's just trying to connect.
21:20Right?
21:20Because we're born alone.
21:22Exactly.
21:23And we die alone.
21:24And that's...
21:25OK.
21:25Well, there we go.
21:26Are you a naughty boy?
21:27Uh-oh.
21:29OK.
21:30Oh, no, no, no, no.
21:31OK.
21:32Are you a kinky, kinky little boot?
21:34OK.
21:34Don't call him a boot, because he's a very, like, very well-known comedian.
21:38Uh-oh.
21:41She's got a thing for people in positions of power.
21:43Clearly, you're right in the middle.
21:45Uh-oh.
21:45Here we go.
21:46Here we go.
21:47Here we go.
21:50Just move your pups.
21:52Move, move, move.
21:54Guys, don't look.
21:56Don't watch.
21:59OK.
22:02OK.
22:04Roshi, Roshi, Roshi, Roshi!
22:06Roshi, Roshi!
22:07Roshi, Roshi!
22:08Roshi, Roshi!
22:09Roshi, Roshi!
22:09Roshi!
22:10Roshi!
22:10Come over here!
22:11What are you doing?
22:12He has been ogling me.
22:16All night.
22:17But we're here.
22:17We're part of the show.
22:18He can't...
22:19OK, all right.
22:20Regardless of the details, I've got something to say to you, Johnny.
22:22Might do this all the time.
22:23Maybe it's a bit of a laugh for you.
22:26It's all fun and games.
22:27But for me, I'm at work.
22:33Roshi and Chiara, everyone.
22:35Roshi, Roshi!
22:41The first time I've seen a woman straddle a man in a cardigan.
22:45Do you know what's funny?
22:46As much as John started to look very awkward,
22:49you moved that cup so fucking fast.
22:55We don't want two spilled liquids.
23:03You didn't just look back over there, did you?
23:07Sorry.
23:07Should look straight ahead.
23:09Would you like to swap seats, John?
23:11Er, well, this one's fucking sodden now, so...
23:16That is...
23:17I'm afraid that's a sign of a nervous bowel, isn't it, John?
23:19That's what's happening.
23:20That kimchi was on the turn,
23:22and I took a gamble on the wrong night.
23:23Yeah.
23:25There is such a thing as too much roughage.
23:27There really is.
23:27Yeah, isn't there?
23:28Enough with a sexy talk.
23:29OK.
23:37You move the crockery.
23:38I'll have one last clue.
23:45And here is your teaser.
23:46The words are meat bell.
23:48The clue is nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.
23:50That's meat bell.
23:51Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.
23:52See you after the break.
24:09Welcome back.
24:10The answer to the tease.
24:11The words were meat bell.
24:12The clue was nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.
24:14It was, of course, meltable.
24:15OK.
24:16OK.
24:16So, Rob and Miles are in the lead.
24:18They've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Rob and Judy.
24:22So, Judy, your turn to choose.
24:24I'll take a vowel, please.
24:26Great start.
24:27E.
24:28Continent.
24:28G.
24:30Continent.
24:32M.
24:33Continent.
24:35S.
24:36A vowel.
24:37Smeg.
24:38I.
24:38Oh.
24:40A vowel.
24:42Smeggy.
24:43E.
24:44Continent.
24:46T.
24:47Oh, go on.
24:48Let's have Smeggiest.
24:52Oh.
24:53Y.
24:55Continent.
24:55Continent.
24:56Final R.
24:57While you do this, I've just got to pick some friends up from the station.
24:59So, your time starts now.
25:20I had to just do a pick-up.
25:22On this station.
25:24Would you like crown green bowling on a Thursday?
25:29It's my turn to drive.
25:32Oh.
25:33Oh.
25:37Oh.
25:38Oh.
25:42Oh.
25:54We'll see cameras
26:22He should be in your dressing room, didn't he?
26:27Oh, it's Pasha, everyone.
26:29Hello, Pasha.
26:30Welcome to see you. Hello.
26:35I can't believe it, the Pasha's here, who's Rachel's other half,
26:39and also Susie Dent's other half's here.
26:44I should say, just earlier on the show,
26:48that John Richardson mentioned
26:49that he wanted to have sex with one of the Strictly dancers,
26:53specifically you.
26:55It's the first time I've ever said that on a show as well.
26:58One of the fucking chances.
27:01You'll be out of there in ten minutes, mate.
27:04Very efficient lovemaker.
27:05Oh, no. With my skill, you'll be out on two.
27:10Oh, please.
27:12It's like a date of the undateables.
27:16Round of applause for Pasha and my friends from The Volume Club.
27:25Judy, how many?
27:26Five.
27:27Five.
27:27Well, you only had 30 seconds. Fair enough.
27:37Six.
27:38Six? Wow.
27:39Smashed that five, didn't you?
27:41What was the five, Judy?
27:43Misty?
27:43Or timer?
27:44We'll go misty.
27:45Didn't fancy popping the ass on the end of timer?
27:47Yeah, timers.
27:49Sorry.
27:51Timers.
27:52Timers.
27:52Timers.
27:52Rob, you're six.
27:53I've got misery or mister.
27:55You said misery was not possible.
27:57You said mystery.
27:58No, but I said...
28:00I said misery or misery.
28:02I think John is unlikely to describe misery as not possible.
28:12Well, six points to Rob.
28:34Right.
28:35And here, today, I realised I can't smile.
28:40I'm just smiling with my eyes.
28:44You can't smile now because you've had too much work done.
28:47You're telling me that.
28:50But yeah, we could have done a bit better.
28:52We could have eight letters here.
28:54Germiest.
28:55Germiest?
28:56Germiest.
28:57You never mess a germ.
28:58I did spot that, but I've got some wipes down here at all times.
29:01Got rid of it.
29:02Have you finished undressing dictionary corner with your eyes?
29:05I'm not looking over there again.
29:07You can look at me.
29:08I can't make you smile though, can I?
29:12Who's picking these old numbers then?
29:20So, at the end of all that, Rob and Miles have 23.
29:23John and Judy have seven.
29:24Damn.
29:25Come on, Judy.
29:29OK, right.
29:31Now it's time for John and Miles to go head-to-head in the maths.
29:35Miles, your turn to pick the numbers.
29:36Yeah, is it six in total?
29:38Six.
29:38Is that what we're looking for?
29:39Yes.
29:39So, three...
29:40I'm increasingly confident.
29:42LAUGHTER
29:43I can count, I just can't...
29:45The angle I'm at...
29:47Erm...
29:48Although...
29:48There's no numbers yet?
29:49No.
29:51LAUGHTER
29:51Yeah, zero.
29:52You've already...
29:52Yes, you've already got it.
29:54LAUGHTER
29:55Three big numbers, three little numbers.
29:57Three and three coming up.
29:59You've got this.
29:59Three little ones.
30:01Ten, seven, two.
30:03And the three big ones, 75, 25 and 50.
30:07And the target, 192.
30:10OK, and your time starts now.
30:11MUSIC PLAYS
30:13MUSIC PLAYS
30:26MUSIC PLAYS
30:26MUSIC PLAYS
30:42So, the target was 192.
30:44Miles, did you get it?
30:45I didn't know.
30:46Why do you look so pleased with yourself now?
30:48LAUGHTER
30:49OK, John, did you get it?
30:50Er, 193.
30:52How did you get 193?
30:5475 plus 25.
30:56100.
30:57Plus 2 times 50.
30:59Plus 2 times 50.
31:02200.
31:02Minus 7.
31:03Yeah, one away.
31:04That's what I got.
31:05Judy, no-one believes you.
31:06Listen, I did 2 times 75.
31:10Keep going.
31:10And then I added 50.
31:12No.
31:1325.
31:14You added 50?
31:14I added 25 makes...
31:18And then I added...
31:21You haven't even done that.
31:22No, no, no.
31:24Then I...
31:24See the 10 and the 7.
31:25I added the 10.
31:26185.
31:27And the...
31:28Get out.
31:29...7.
31:30192.
31:31Oh!
31:33You did it!
31:34APPLAUSE
31:37Why are you looking at me like that wasn't bullshit?
31:40I just did it here in front of you.
31:42What the hell?
31:43You watched Rachel do it and blagged it.
31:45What?
31:45I can't win!
31:47I can't win!
31:47No, you can't!
31:48I can't!
31:49You weren't in that game.
31:50You can't win.
31:51Seven points to John.
31:52Oh, my...
31:57And here is your teaser.
31:58The words are oiled nut.
32:00The clue is, you can see the shape of it.
32:02That's oiled nut.
32:04You can see the shape of it.
32:05See you after the break.
32:07APPLAUSE
32:22Welcome back.
32:22The answer to the teaser.
32:23The words were oiled nut.
32:24The clue was, you can see the shape of it.
32:26It was, of course, outlined.
32:29John, your team was doing so badly
32:30that we thought you needed help.
32:32Please welcome comedian, Dane Buckley.
32:36APPLAUSE
32:40Dane went to a convent school
32:41where all the teachers were priests.
32:43Me too, which is why I've got dodgy knees.
32:46Oh, God.
32:47And no gag reflex, yeah.
32:49LAUGHTER
32:51I've got a gag reflex, baby.
32:53I remember, yeah.
32:56LAUGHTER
32:58I don't need to ask Dane how he got the job.
33:01LAUGHTER
33:02Dane, it's your first time on the show.
33:03Yeah.
33:03How would you describe yourself?
33:05Face of a Greek god, body of Turkish delight.
33:07OK?
33:07That's what I would say.
33:08That's what I say on the dating apps.
33:09No, I call myself the world's only Irish-Indian gay comedian, possibly.
33:13For the longest time, like, I wasn't out as half-Indian, like...
33:17LAUGHTER
33:18I never used to tell people I was good at IT, you know?
33:22LAUGHTER
33:22Not now.
33:23When you're Asian and white, you just generally look Mediterranean, you know, like Charlie XCX.
33:27But I learnt recently, you're darker down below.
33:30You're darker down south.
33:31And I didn't know...
33:32Yes.
33:33Thanks for sharing.
33:35I didn't realise that was a thing, but I was at the doctors recently, and he saw me naked, bless
33:39him,
33:39and he said,
33:40Mr. Buckley, can I ask you what your heritage is?
33:42And I was like, what has he found?
33:43Onion barge in my inner thigh.
33:44LAUGHTER
33:46Are you any good at Countdown?
33:48I'm massive dyslexic, so no, so that's why...
33:50LAUGHTER
33:51Guys, we're bringing the looks.
33:53Also, I think we look like a line-up of United Colours of Benetton campaign, don't we?
33:57Look at that.
33:58Funding written all over us.
33:59Yes.
34:00Yeah.
34:00United Colours of Benetton.
34:02Yeah.
34:02What's John, the guy from Accounts?
34:04LAUGHTER
34:05You wouldn't know what that looks like.
34:08LAUGHTER
34:13Oh, ten points, that's ten points.
34:17Jane, who's the funniest person you know?
34:19Hands down, you'll know this, Jimmy, as well, my mammy.
34:22Irish mammies are hilarious.
34:24Can people think that I am writing my mum and making her up?
34:27I'm not.
34:27This is how she is.
34:28Me and her won a beach in Broadstairs, walking along, minding my own business,
34:32and we straightened on to the nudist part of the beach.
34:35But there was this older gentleman there, completely naked, belly hanging out,
34:39penis hanging out, resting Brexit face, that kind of vibe.
34:42LAUGHTER
34:44No teeth, lots of opinions. That was his plan.
34:47LAUGHTER
34:48He was targeting women on the beach, but he'd never taken on an Irish mammy.
34:51And he said to my mum,
34:52Excuse me, love, does my penis make you feel uncomfortable?
34:55And my mum did not miss a beat, glasses on a chain.
34:57She said, What, love? That little thing there.
35:00LAUGHTER
35:01I highly doubt that ever made a woman feel uncomfortable.
35:05LAUGHTER
35:06She said, I'll be honest with your puppet, I've seen bigger in mother care.
35:10LAUGHTER
35:11He's walked away.
35:17Have you got a mascot? Can you bring your mascot?
35:18Oh, my God, yeah, I'm not just here to have fun. Look at this, yeah.
35:20Right.
35:22This...
35:23is a jalebi.
35:25The most famous of Indian sweets.
35:27It's, erm...
35:28It's crispy, it's deep-fried, it's syrupy, and it's, er...
35:31It's absolutely gorgeous.
35:32And my nan used to teach me how to cook Indian dishes once a week.
35:35And, erm, we would fry these and she would make masala chai tea
35:38and she'd read my tea leaves.
35:40But she used to use it as a time to get information out of me
35:43because she didn't want to ask.
35:44So she'd be like,
35:45Mmm, mmm, okay, not many...
35:46I'm allowed to do the accent, okay?
35:48So she'd be like...
35:50So she used to read my tea leaves and she'd be like,
35:52Mmm, okay, not many girls in your future.
35:55LAUGHTER
35:55So many boys.
35:56OK.
35:57Dancing so gay.
35:58Oh, darling, you're dancing round the pole.
36:00And I was like, give me that, nan.
36:01There's no way you can tell from those leaves he's Polish.
36:04LAUGHTER
36:07And so I thought, be brave.
36:08I didn't realise I had to come out to my nan.
36:11I said, nan, I'm gay.
36:12She said, we must call your father immediately.
36:14I said, why?
36:15She said, he owes me 20 pounds.
36:18LAUGHTER
36:20I said, nan, I'm as gay as the day is long.
36:24She said, rubbish, foolish, gay as the day is long.
36:26You mean to tell me you're going to be less gay in winter?
36:30LAUGHTER
36:31Hashtag gay light savings.
36:33LAUGHTER
36:35But, I brought some jalebes for you guys to try.
36:38I thought it'd be nice.
36:39Ooh!
36:40Jalebes.
36:41So they are vegan, the jalebes.
36:42Have a little go.
36:43No, you keep them, Judy.
36:46LAUGHTER
36:48Take one apart from them.
36:49They're nice, aren't they?
36:50Nice.
36:51Oh, my God, there's nothing to matter with that.
36:53It's nice.
36:54It's like that crispy shredded beef without the beef in.
36:56LAUGHTER
37:00Wow, way to change my culture, Rob.
37:02Great.
37:03Sorry.
37:04Do you want me to start on Angel Delight, Rob?
37:08You're going back in custard, have you?
37:11LAUGHTER
37:12It's been nice in a bit of rice pudding.
37:14LAUGHTER
37:15My mum knew that the Indian side would win in the kitchen.
37:18Fair, fair.
37:19But she wanted the cultural side to win in Ireland,
37:21so growing up, I spoke Irish.
37:23It's a Celtic language.
37:24And you'll know, if you know any Irish,
37:25nothing sounds like what you think it means.
37:27Like, listen to this.
37:31Which sounds like, honestly, you're saying,
37:33ready the war between the elves and the centaurs,
37:35but it means I have no interest in the local facilities.
37:39LAUGHTER
37:40And if you know anything about a gay man,
37:41that's just not true, Rob.
37:43LAUGHTER
37:46Well, I think I've done every stereotype.
37:47Thank you, good night.
37:50APPLAUSE
37:51APPLAUSE
37:57OK, on with the game.
37:59Dane, your turn to choose the letters.
38:00A consonant.
38:01That's so much sugar.
38:03That is extraordinary, isn't it?
38:04Yes, I like it.
38:04It feels like if we'd just eaten sugar,
38:05there would have been less sugar in it than that.
38:07LAUGHTER
38:08A vowel?
38:09Just make my eyes hurt.
38:11Oh.
38:12Another vowel?
38:13I think I might have type 3 diabetes.
38:15E?
38:17I'm an Irish speaker, so another vowel?
38:21A?
38:22Do you know what?
38:23Give us another vowel.
38:25What have you got to do?
38:26Colonisers?
38:27No.
38:29LAUGHTER
38:30You're going to start annoying John in a village.
38:32He's going to start getting itchy.
38:33If you do another vowel, he'll start panicking.
38:35We've just met and you've brought me a lovely treat,
38:37but, you know, let's not fuck about.
38:39LAUGHTER
38:40OK, a consonant.
38:42There you go.
38:43S.
38:44One fingers are too sticky to write.
38:46How many vowels am I allowed?
38:48Four.
38:50LAUGHTER
38:51Do you know what?
38:52Give me a big vowel.
38:53I'm so sorry, Jane, but the fun police have turned up.
38:57A consonant.
38:58A consonant.
38:59N.
39:00And the vowel.
39:02E.
39:04That's your max.
39:05Right.
39:06A consonant, then.
39:09A number?
39:10A W.
39:11OK, and your time starts now.
39:19We're a tick, right?
39:20Oh.
39:21You pick shit letters and we all suck.
39:23LAUGHTER
39:33You sound like they're spelling, does it?
39:36LAUGHTER
39:43Dane, how did you do?
39:44Four.
39:45Judy?
39:47Four.
39:48Did you get the same four that he got?
39:50Yeah!
39:53LAUGHTER
39:53I think, John, you're on your own.
39:54How'd you do?
39:55Six.
39:56Six, OK.
39:56Miles?
39:58Still eating it.
40:00Just some more.
40:01I've got extra.
40:02There you go.
40:04You do like it.
40:04I'm sure you can imagine what I'm like when I'm hyper.
40:06It'll be...
40:07LAUGHTER
40:09Five.
40:10It was sinew.
40:12Oh, wow.
40:12Yeah, just tell me straight away, it didn't matter.
40:15LAUGHTER
40:15All right.
40:16Rob, how many?
40:17Five.
40:17Swine.
40:18LAUGHTER
40:20Hyper.
40:21We're all hyper.
40:22We're on a sugar rush.
40:24Deal with it, Dad.
40:26Dane, your four.
40:27What was your four?
40:28News.
40:29Oh, well done.
40:31LAUGHTER
40:31Well done.
40:32Definitely...
40:34Definitely worth turning up four.
40:36LAUGHTER
40:37Judy?
40:38What was your four?
40:40No...
40:40Five.
40:41Five?
40:41What was it?
40:42Noise.
40:42Noise.
40:43John?
40:45Er...
40:45Insane in the membrane.
40:48Insane in the brain!
40:50LAUGHTER
40:51Very sugary.
40:54LAUGHTER
40:54Very sugary.
40:56Six points to John.
40:58APPLAUSE
40:58He's gone crazy.
41:01OK.
41:02Awkward amazing.
41:03Roisin, Chiara, Susie, could they have done any better?
41:05Yep.
41:06Swanny!
41:07What?
41:08Swanny?
41:09Swanny!
41:10Like the song?
41:11Like...
41:12Gah!
41:13Like a swan.
41:14It's like a swan.
41:15Or it's also, I think, quite a nice sort of padded waterproof jacket.
41:18Yes.
41:19With a hood.
41:19OK.
41:20So, the scores at the moment are Rob and Miles have 23.
41:23John, Judy and Dane have 20.
41:25Oh!
41:27And here is your final teaser.
41:29The words are, I'd nosh me, the clue is, anything for a good time.
41:32And that's, I'd nosh me, anything for a good time.
41:35See you after the break.
41:38And that's, I'd nosh me, the idea.
41:44It's like, it's like a swan.
41:45And that's a new one.
41:48And that's a new one.
41:48Thank you, my friend.
41:50And thank you, thank you.
41:50Thank you, thank you.
41:50Thank you, thank you.
41:52Welcome back.
41:53The answer to the teaser.
41:53The words were, I'd nosh me.
41:55The clue was, anything for a good time.
41:57It was, of course, hedonism.
41:58OK, time for our final letters game. John, Judy, Dane, your turn to pick.
42:06I think John might have to take the lead in picking the letters.
42:10These two are getting on really well.
42:14Consonant, please, Rachel.
42:16Thanks, John. T.
42:18Vowel.
42:20A. Consonant, please.
42:22F. Consonant, please.
42:24S. Vowel, please.
42:27E. Consonant, please.
42:29L. Vowel, please.
42:32A. Consonant, please.
42:34D. And another vowel, please.
42:38I've lost where I am.
42:41Actually, I'm bored of the clock music. I might change it up, if that's all right with everyone.
42:44OK, and your time starts now.
42:56B.
42:56B.
42:59B.
43:00B.
43:00B.
43:01B.
43:02B.
43:03B.
43:04B.
43:05B.
43:07I
43:23Okay, John, how many?
43:24Tengo un seis, gracias
43:29Sorry? Tengo un seis, Jimmy. What's happening to your voice, John?
43:32Ahora hablo español, Mr. Carl
43:36I have no idea what you're saying
44:00Sorry, we are having some technical difficulties. I'll try and swap it back to your normal voice
44:06I think that's it, try that
44:07Hello
44:10John, how many?
44:11Six
44:13Okay, Dane, how many? Five
44:14Judy, how many? Six
44:16Okay, Miles, how many? Seven, I think
44:19Oh, damn
44:21Rob? Five
44:22Fine, what's your five? Fades
44:24Fades, okay, Dane, your five? False
44:26False, okay, Judy? Ladies
44:29John, your six
44:31Fasted
44:32Miles, for the points, your seven
44:35Uh, dilates
44:37Yeah
44:38My man
44:40Oh
44:42Yeah
44:45Seven points to Miles
44:48Wow
44:49Could they have done any better?
44:51No, nope
44:52Lord Grantham absolutely nailed it, it was fantastic
44:56Well done, Lord Grantham
44:59Okay, so Rob and Miles have 30
45:01John, Judy and Dane have 20
45:06Oh
45:06Okay, so it's a crucial countdown conundrum today, you ready for this?
45:10Yeah
45:10Today's crucial countdown conundrum, your time starts now
45:27Pickiness
45:27Oh, how did you get that?
45:37That's it, Daddy Cool got it, I guess
45:39So the final scores are, everyone's got 30, it's a draw!
45:42Everyone's a winner
45:46Congratulations, you are now all the owners of this, the countdown dog bed
45:54Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience
45:56And to all of you for watching at home, that's it from us, goodnight
46:17We'll see you next week!
46:18We'll see you next week!
46:18We'll see you next week!
46:19You are new, and I'm back up to you!
46:24Thank you!
46:25You are new, and I'm that visitor in our right now!
46:29Thank you!
46:30We'll see you next week!
46:31You
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